I never trusted those fat bastards…

Headline in a local rag:

manatee_conspiracy

Sure, they look all cuddly and friendly, floating slowly around the canals. But turn your back on them for a moment, and they plot murder and mayhem!

o-MANATEE-900

PS: The headline refers to a conspiracy in Manatee County! Also, open thread.






77 replies
  1. 1
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    I thought the conspiracy might involve assholes running down manatees with their speedboats.

    I’m pretty sure that when you’re talking about redneck Floridians, there’s a conspiracy afoot to do something, like perhaps run cocaine or pot past the other rednecks who are the cops.

    As far as actual manatees are concerned, it’s a conspiracy to out cute kittens and puppies, which is something with which the kittens and puppies will not put.

  2. 2
    pacem appellant says:

    Any BJers who live in the SF Bay Area (South Bay preferred) feel like getting together to complain about the insanely low primary turnout and the upcoming Khanna vs Honda fight that’s going on my district (CD-17)?

  3. 3
    Mandalay says:

    An even handed view of rape…:

    Madhya Pradesh Home Minister Babulal Gaur has described rape as a social crime, saying “sometimes it’s right, sometimes it’s wrong“, in the latest controversial remarks by an Indian politician about rape….Gaur also expressed sympathy with Mulayam Singh Yadav, head of the regional Samajwadi Party. In the recent election, Mulayam criticised legal changes that foresee the death penalty for gang rape, saying: “Boys commit mistakes: Will they be hanged for rape?”

    And on the use of rape in war:

    One United Nations peacekeeper, who has witnessed the suffering, said that it was now more dangerous to be a woman than a soldier in modern wars.

    Armed gangs in the DRC rape 36 women or girls on an average every day. In the Somalian capital of Mogadishu, 50 children a week are being subjected to sexual violence.

    According to the report, post conflict Liberia reports as many as 87 per cent of all its children suffered some form sexual violation during its civil war, with 65 per cent of the rape survivors under 15.

    According to the report, the Balkans wars witnessed rape as an “instrument of terror”.

    Violence on women has to be right up there with climate change as the biggest problem the world has to address.

  4. 4
    BGinCHI says:

    One of the other crimes was apparently aggravated cuteness with intent to cause SQUEEE!

  5. 5
    chopper says:

    oh, the huge manatee!

  6. 6
    geg6 says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    I had the same thought initially. And I was getting all fired up because few things piss me off like the rednecks in Florida who have no thought or concern about those adorable manatees!

    I went diving in the Indian River once and the manatees just swam along with me like dogs.

  7. 7
    NCSteve says:

    @Villago Delenda Est: I assumed it was some plan by the Scott Administration’s political appointees to the state fish and wildlife agency to slaughter manatees just because it would piss off liberals.

  8. 8
    Trollhattan says:

    So, if instead of googling “Florida man” I google “Manatee man”…

    Manatee man paints American flag on home during dispute …

    Manatee man, impersonating police, stops Tampa officer

    Missing endangered Manatee man last seen Monday

    400-pound Manatee man subdued by stun gun after tussle

    Aaaand

    Fort Pierce man charged with molesting manatee …

    I think my work here is done.

  9. 9
    WaterGirl says:

    @pacem appellant: I want to know when we’re going to start live streaming the BJ meetups!

  10. 10
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Mandalay: Jeeze, those Indian politicians are swell guys, aren’t they? Regular Elliot Rodgers they are

    Some ass needs to be kicked there, ass belonging to Babulal Gaur and Mulayam Singh Yadav, Repeatedly. With hobnailed boots. Perhaps THEN these pricks will feel a bit of empathy.

  11. 11
    WaterGirl says:

    @BGinCHI: It took me a minute to reconcile your comment with the one above yours. After reading the comment about war and rape, I had totally forgotten about the manatees.

  12. 12
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @NCSteve: Well, given that cleek’s Law seems to be running totally out of control all over the continent, yes, that’s not too outrageous an assumption to make.

  13. 13
    Arclite says:

    The Bechdel test is often used to show the state of male-centric movie making. It’s not perfect however, as movies like Pacific Rim which has a strong female character with her own arc, fail the Bechdel test (regardless of how you felt about that movie).

    I stumbled upon the Mako Mori test:

    Let’s propose the Mako Mori test, to live alongside the Bechdel test (not to supplant it! My point is not that we shouldn’t care about women interacting—I care about this A LOT—but that isn’t the pinnacle of feminism or the only thing we should care about). The Mako Mori test is passed if the movie has: a) at least one female character; b) who gets her own narrative arc; c) that is not about supporting a man’s story. I think this is about as indicative of “feminism” (that is, minimally indicative, a pretty low bar) as the Bechdel test. It is a pretty basic test for the representation of women, as is the Bechdel test. It does not make a movie automatically feminist. (Many movies/shows would not pass it).

    Thought that was interesting and conversation worthy.

  14. 14
    Betty Cracker says:

    @geg6: I’ll never forget the first time the mister saw a manatee up close. He was new to boating when we met, and I told him I knew where we could see some manatees in the water.

    We idled up to the spot, and I saw the swirls they make on the surface of the water with their tails, so I anchored and pointed out where to snorkel. He swam out, and then came swimming back moments later with his eyes HUGE behind the mask, spluttering, “It’s as big as a VAN!”

    That was 20 years ago, and I still tease him about being afraid of manatees, LOL!

  15. 15
    PaulW says:

    The Manatee Murder Massacre starring Tim Matheson and January Jones, next on SYFY…

  16. 16
    Trollhattan says:

    Wait, there’s more.

    Manatee man solicited girl, 12, for ‘ghastly’ sex act, sheriff says
    Manatee man stabbed with scissors, then jailed on battery …

    Zzzap!

    FWC officer cites same Manatee man twice in week for …
    Manatee man accused of stabbing ex-girlfriend 25 times …
    Manatee Man Shot, Killed As Kids Practice Football
    Manatee man arrested after incident with knife

  17. 17
    Enhanced Voting Techniques says:

    Consider, if you will, a mod for the computer game Fallout, were 200 years in the future in post nuclear apocalypse Washington DC the zombified editorial board of the Washington Post debates how the Wanderor lacks the gravitas to oppose President Dick Richardson and the Enclave’s program of genocide to rebuild America is just bold, counter intuitive thinking.

  18. 18
    PaulW says:

    To be fair, Fort Pierce is nowhere near Manatee County

  19. 19
    piratedan says:

    @PaulW: from the people that brought you Sharknado!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. 20
    kindness says:

    Was going to write snarky comment about shiftless Mantee’s wanting free Obamacare but those big lugs are so cute I can’t make up shit about them. I’d be a lousy Republican.

  21. 21
    Mnemosyne says:

    At last, I can tell my manatee story:

    The now-hubby and I went to Sea World in San Diego and were part of a group gaping at the manatees in the tank.

    One woman says, “Oh, look, it’s nursing.”

    There was a pause, and someone else said, “That’s not a breast.” Upon which statement some people started brightly steering their kids along to the next exhibit.

    Yep, we got to witness some hot (well, extremely slow-motion) manatee-on-manatee action for the price of our ticket.

  22. 22
    JMV Pyro says:

    @NCSteve:

    See, that’s what a normal Tea Party animal would do. Scott has a glass of fresh spilled manatee blood served to him daily. They said it would make him more youthful and charismatic.

  23. 23
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Enhanced Voting Techniques: No diet of PhD enriched brains will save the zombified WaPo editorial board. There’s some stupid that can’t be cured.

  24. 24
    TaMara (BHF) says:

    JeffreyW posted a cute picture of kittehs that I just couldn’t resist, I had to add a caption that’s made me smile all day.

    It’s that kind of day. Fuck everything else and give me cute, be it manatee or kitteh.

    @chopper: Won the thread in 5!

  25. 25
    SatanicPanic says:

    I wanna hug that manatee. Is that weird?

  26. 26
    BGinCHI says:

    @WaterGirl: Only Tucker Carlson would think those rape stats are cute.

  27. 27
    geg6 says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    OMG, I’d never let him forget it either. Manatees are truly the golden retrievers of sea life.

  28. 28
    the Conster says:

    BTW, whatever happened to long time commenter Odie Hugh Manatee?

  29. 29
    PaulW says:

    Boy there hasn’t been an Open Thread this depressing since that Family Guy gag about Justin Beiber went nowhere.

    …what, too obscure a Manatee Gag?

  30. 30
    geg6 says:

    @the Conster:

    Good question. I can’t recall seeing his nym lately.

  31. 31
    scav says:

    @BGinCHI: But rape is a social crime, like white shoes after labor day or mocking the difficulty of tying bow ties. right?

  32. 32
    MattF says:

    @Trollhattan: I think the manatees have a valid beef with the State of Florida. Or, at least, whoever it is that names counties.

  33. 33
    raven says:

    Puppy Rescued by Obama Accused of Having Rabies

    WASHINGTON – A cocker spaniel puppy that President Obama rescued from a burning building has created an uproar in the U.S. Congress, where many leading lawmakers have accused the puppy of having rabies. “The President rushed into the burning building and yanked out the puppy, keeping all of us in the dark,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S. Carolina). “If that rabid dog bites a single American, it’ll be on President Obama’s watch.” In the House, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-California) called for hearings on the burgeoning Doghazi scandal, with several prominent House members demanding the President’s impeachment.

  34. 34
    Woodrowfan says:

    but once they’re in prison they’ll end up joining some gray-supremacist gang..

  35. 35
    BGinCHI says:

    @scav: For Tucker it’s a crime if the victim gets all uppity and tells someone.

  36. 36
    Roger Moore says:

    @raven:
    [citation needed]

  37. 37
    MattF says:

    @raven: Didn’t mention that both Graham and Issa were foaming at the mouth.

  38. 38
    Betty Cracker says:

    @the Conster: Awhile ago, I think I recall him saying something to the effect that this place was getting too firebaggy for him and that he planned to spend less time here. Either that happened, or I hallucinated it in an insomniac stupor, but I’m pretty sure it actually did occur.

  39. 39
    Belafon says:

    @Arclite: I’ll have to read it at home, sounds interesting though.

  40. 40

    manatees are the cows of the sea but they’re related to elephants.

  41. 41
    raven says:

    @Roger Moore: I found a link but it’s marked as spam. Try the Amherst Times.

  42. 42
    SatanicPanic says:

    @Betty Cracker: woah that’s a low tolerance for firebaggery. We’re pretty waterbaggerish if you ask me

  43. 43
    FlipYrWhig says:

    Yeah right, sea cow. #gaffigan

  44. 44
    mdblanche says:

    Speaking of sea mammals and rape…

  45. 45
    raven says:

    @Betty Cracker: The last posts I see were interaction with T&H and Cornerstone.

  46. 46
    scav says:

    @BGinCHI: I mean, how dare anyone protest his choice to bless them even with his simple presence. I rather think he’d enjoy the publicity and proof of man-manliness if they swooned and fanned themselves during the telling.

  47. 47
    gogol's wife says:

    @raven:

    I think Betty’s right.

  48. 48
    raven says:

    @gogol’s wife: I don’t think our answers are all that different do you?

  49. 49
    pacem appellant says:

    @WaterGirl: If I can get a meetup together, I’ll live stream it!

  50. 50
    SatanicPanic says:

    @raven: Whatever happened to Cornerstone and T & H?

  51. 51
    gogol's wife says:

    @raven:

    I wasn’t trying to contradict you.

  52. 52
    J R in WV says:

    What a combination of up and down. Manatees and Kittys and Rape!

    And what about that exploding radioactive waste treated with organic litter?

    What’s the world coming to?

    That’s Not a Breast?!?!?

    ;-)

    Please, no one accuse me of making light of rape, one of the most horrid crimes out there! It’s the thread’s fault!

  53. 53
    raven says:

    @gogol’s wife: I was just axin.

  54. 54
    raven says:

    @SatanicPanic: I, for one, don’t care.

  55. 55
    Trollhattan says:

    @SatanicPanic:
    If you ask that question three times out loud to the bathroom mirror with the lights out….

  56. 56
    MattR says:

    @Arclite: Since you mentioned Pacific Rim. This is pretty damn cool. The plan is to open the World Cup next week by having a paralyzed person walk a few steps and kick a soccer ball while wearing an exoskeleton that he controls with his mind. This is some facebook video of the last of the 8 candidates taking her first steps.

  57. 57
    Betty Cracker says:

    @SatanicPanic: I believe Cornerstone dropped in fairly recently, but it was a rare sighting. As for ed-Tay & Co., just please for the love of Christ don’t say “Beetledouche” three times.

    ETA: Annnnd Trollhattan beat me to the punch!

  58. 58
    SatanicPanic says:

    @Betty Cracker: T & H was our only troll, kinda miss him

  59. 59
    Ronzoni Rigatoni says:

    My boat was attacked by a goddam redneck manatee. Put-putting onto Terra Ceia Bay down here in Beautiful Manatee County, a giant manatee suddenly lifted my outboard out of the water (very slow speed, and very shallow channel) and slammed it back down against the stern board, cracking the brass mounts and costing me a $2500 repair. Dang things are bigger’n a cow and, from my experience, meaner’n hell. I fish off piers these days.

  60. 60
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @SatanicPanic: No one cares what happened to T & H. With any luck, a meteor fell on him.

  61. 61
    feebog says:

    @SatanicPanic:

    T & H was our only troll, kinda miss him

    I kinda miss him/her like a toothache.

  62. 62
    FlipYrWhig says:

    @Betty Cracker: He’s “another voice I enjoy,” remember? Those were the days.

  63. 63
    SatanicPanic says:

    @FlipYrWhig: Oh man, things were contentious back then. Freddie, Bernard, ED Kain, ABL. constant foodfights. Kinda miss the drama.

  64. 64
    FlipYrWhig says:

    @SatanicPanic: I can’t believe it was that long ago already.

  65. 65
    Pogonip says:

    @Trollhattan: That Manatee Man sure is busy.

  66. 66
    SatanicPanic says:

    @FlipYrWhig: Yikes, 2011. Yeah, I’ve been here since I think 2009. FIVE YEARS. time flies

  67. 67
    Arclite says:

    @MattR: This is pretty cool. Technology FTW.

  68. 68
    Jay C says:

    @feebog:

    Yeah, and whatever happened to BiP? As soon as the Ukrainian elections were over (and no one raised a swastika flag over Kiev or started shooting Jews) he just seems to have slunk away*. Maybe he’s off enjoying a couple of weeks at the Simferopol Peoples’ Recreational Hostel Number 375 and Spa? (Mudbaths complimentary!)

    * And good riddance!

  69. 69
    A Humble Lurker says:

    @SatanicPanic:
    Now ABL I miss.

  70. 70
    Trollhattan says:

    @Betty Cracker:
    I like “Beetledouche” moar better.

  71. 71
    Trollhattan says:

    @Jay C:
    No such luck, he was here briefly (whew!) in yesterday’s GoT thread, with the predictable and appropriate response from us.

  72. 72
    SatanicPanic says:

    @A Humble Lurker: me too. I know her tenure here was divisive, but she brought an interesting perspective every now and then

  73. 73
    A Humble Lurker says:

    @SatanicPanic: I don’t mind that it was divisive because it was divisive because of stupid people. I could just ignore them.

  74. 74
    Woodrowfan says:

    I miss ABL a lot. T&H, not so much.

  75. 75
    another Holocene human says:

    @Mandalay: Richard the Lionhearted was alleged by contemporaries to have raped women during his wars in France. Plus ca change…

  76. 76
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @another Holocene human: I’m sure he did. It’s what they did back then…women, especially commoners, were playthings for the “nobility”.

  77. 77
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Betty Cracker @top: Have you been to Manatee County? Your headline is still appropriate.

Comments are closed.