I Now Have No Pets

Lily has forsaken me:


I now have three pets I feed every day, give shelter, pay medical bills, brush, and one of the pets shits in a box in my house that I have to clean daily, and they return the favor by spending every minute feeding Shawn affection. It reminds me of the old Bill Cosby routine where he talked about spending 20+ years teaching his kid how to play football, and in his one moment on national television, looks at the camera and says… “HI MOM! I LOVE YOU!”

52 replies
  1. 1
    Jell-OH Schott says:

    Give Lily a scritch for me.

  2. 2
    Comrade Mary says:

    Just make sure you get Shawn something nice for Mother’s Day.

  3. 3
    Kifaru1 says:

    Welcome to my life! Doesn’t matter which set of dogs we have had in the last 18 years, they always run to my husband for fun.

  4. 4
    PurpleGirl says:

    Don’t hate me JC but Lily is looking at Shawn with such love in her eyes. She’s been bewitched by him.

  5. 5
    aimai says:

    The way I see it Shawn is another one of your pets. You’d be thrilled if lily, rosie and steve all liked to cuddle one another. Why be jealous of Shawn?

  6. 6
    Yatsuno says:

    @aimai: I don’t think Shawn gets to sleep in the bed with JC. I don’t think anyway…

  7. 7
    Comradde PhysioProffe says:

    You let that dude wear a fucken Ravens cap in your house? I don’t tolerate any Redde Socke shittio in my house, even from my best friends.

  8. 8
    YellowJournalism says:

    Oh, John, sounds like you’re the Momma. It’s almost the opposite of being the daddy in a people kid relationship. Just wait until one of them is cared or sick, though, and they won’t leave your side. My little gal always goes to my husband first when we get home, but when she was sick and in the vet hospital, she wouldn’t let anyone but me touch and comfort her.

  9. 9
    srv says:

    Like me, they only loved you when you were a ranting drunk.

  10. 10
    Mnemosyne says:


    At this rate, it’s only a matter of time. Soon we’ll be getting complaints from Cole that he had to sleep on the couch because Lily and Shawn were snuffling into his armpits too much.

  11. 11
    YellowJournalism says:

    @Mnemosyne: Or that Shawn requested John switch deodorants.

  12. 12
    Violet says:

    Lily is so cute. I just love her.

  13. 13
    p.a. says:

    Help him get that CDL and get him on the road toot sweet if you want your babbies back.

  14. 14
    p.a. says:

    On a more serious note a mid-haul (I don’t remember long-hauling being an option) trucking is a real challenge to someone with dietary restrictions.

  15. 15
    beth says:

    Aw fuck – I feed the dog, I walk the dog, I take her to the dog park and everywhere else and I spend lots of time playing catch with her. And when my husband walks in the house in the evening, it’s like I just don’t exist anymore. I feel John’s pain.

    By the way, has anyone here yet remarked on just how fine our President looked today going to church? Damn he was rocking the GQ look today.

  16. 16
    Punchy says:

    @Comrade Mary: at this point, I think an engagement ring may be in order…

  17. 17
    Yatsuno says:

    @Punchy: Heck someone has to get the lawsuit in West Virginny rolling.

  18. 18
    trollhattan says:

    @Comrade Mary:

    Thread be ovah….

  19. 19
    Rarely Posts says:

    First, Lily completely adores you, and Shawn cannot possibly get between the two of you. He may be the visiting Rock Star, but you are her sun and moon and celestial temple.

    Second, and undermining the first point, I think Shawn is super cute, and if he were gay, I’d totally want to be cuddled up with him, Lily style.

    There, that should be awkward enough for everyone involved.

  20. 20
    MikeJ says:

    Tonight Cosmos features the woman (yes woman) who determined the earth is 4.5 billion years old and also pointed out the dangers of lead in the atmosphere.

    What percentage of their shit will the teabaggers lose?

    ☐ 25
    ☐ 50
    ☐ 75
    ☑ 100

  21. 21
    Dcrefugee says:

    Did you know eggs and wheat are in chocolate cake?

  22. 22
    ulee says:

    @Rarely Posts: You’re starstruck, obviously, as is John. Shawn needs to get a job.

  23. 23
    amk says:

    heh, who wants to live with a raging alcoholic ?

    @MikeJ: stealed and tweeted.

  24. 24
    CaseyL says:

    Lily looks absolutely mesmerized. Besotted.

    John, I think you need to see the movie “Single White Female” :)

  25. 25
    Culture of Truth says:

    Dogs have no loyalty.

    Cats on the other hand…loyalty?

  26. 26
    KG says:

    @Dcrefugee: yes, that’s why chocolate cake is healthy!

  27. 27
    StringOnAStick says:

    They’re all just trying to be exceptionally good hosts to your guest, whom they figured out has strong ties to you from a long time ago, and they are only doing it to make you look like the best host/friend ever. That, or they are total sluts.

  28. 28
    Joel says:

    Don’t you mean the Carlos Mencia joke?

  29. 29
    Elizabelle says:

    Well, if that’s the worst problem you gots …

  30. 30
    Mike E says:

    @MikeJ: @amk:
    Not a lady, a dude: C C Patterson was called Connie, why, I don’t know but, yeah. Male.

  31. 31
    LanceThruster says:

    We all luvs us some strange from time to time…

  32. 32
    Yatsuno says:


  33. 33
    MikeJ says:

    @Mike E: Oh, too bad. It hasn’t aired here on the west coast yet.

    He still did enough to piss off teabaggers though. They wouldn’t accuse Neil deGrasse Tyson of trolling them every week if they weren’t so easy to troll.

  34. 34
    SG says:


    It was Clair Cameron Patterson, a man, who was the geochemist who determined the age of the Earth. Sorry. Granted, the cheesy animations can fool you. I love the show, but those animations and substandard CGI are surprising in such a prestige production.

    John, Lily has a heart large enough to love you both, and besides, I’m sure she’ll always love you best. Same with Rosie. Steve, like every cat, will always love himself best.

    Also, can you please get Shawn to take off that damned baseball cap for 30 seconds? I’m beginning to think must wear it like a weird kind of man-burka.

  35. 35
    MikeJ says:

    @SG: Right now NdGT is taking on archbishop Usher head on. Bwahahahah.

  36. 36
    KG says:

    @Yatsuno: exactly

  37. 37
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Dcrefugee: And milk. Milk does a body good.*

    *Brought to you by the Milk Marketing Board.

  38. 38
    KG says:

    @Joel: what you did there, it has been seen, and it has been noted

  39. 39
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Mike E: With a name like Clair Cameron, he was probably called much worse things in grade school!

  40. 40
    BubbaDave says:

    Lily has two daddies.

  41. 41
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @BubbaDave: And everyone should be okay with that.

  42. 42
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    Hey, John Cole, I am actually listening to American Beauty right now. This is a once in every 17.5 year event.

  43. 43
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: And it is over.

  44. 44
    Pogonip says:

    Shawn of the Dead: bringing permanently sleeping dogs back to life since 2014.

  45. 45
    Laertes says:

    Lily is gorgeous. You’re a lucky man.

  46. 46
    Cermet says:

    When my daughter achieves fame and fortune, I will be fine with the lack of recognition – really, isn’t going the right thing its own reward with the knowledge that in fact, you did the both good for someone you love and helped the world become a better place??

  47. 47
    bob h says:

    Last week my wife got a tearful call from a friend who had been evicted and whose German Shepherd had been taken to a NJ dog pound. We retrieved the dog and placed it with an animal rescue neighbor. However, the dog proved hostile to men, and the German Shepherd rescue organization in NJ did not respond to our calls.

    So we had to have her euthanized. As she waited at the vets, she sensed what was coming and started to shake uncontrollably. I am haunted by that, but at least she was among friends at the end.

  48. 48
    Suffern ACE says:

    @Cermet: hell no. I want my name in the Oscar speech. I want tickets to the man of the year dinner.

  49. 49
    Tone in DC says:

    We retrieved the dog and placed it with an animal rescue neighbor. However, the dog proved hostile to men, and the German Shepherd rescue organization in NJ did not respond to our calls.

    So we had to have her euthanized. As she waited at the vets, she sensed what was coming and started to shake uncontrollably.

    I am not a veterinarian. Nor do I play one on TV.
    What is this? Any male that is around this dog gets barked at, or bitten?

  50. 50
    bob h says:

    @Tone in DC: She was aggressive towards most of the men who came thru the house, and it was just a matter of time before someone got bitten. So go fuck yourself.

  51. 51
    Tone in DC says:

    So go fuck yourself.

    It was an actual question, I don’t grok such animal behavior.
    As for your suggestion… You first, asshole.

  52. 52
    Peter Sinn says:

    I am a hands on dog owner. I always make sure that everything is in its best when it comes to my cuddly pet Yana. I was jealous at one time because she was very close to my mom, as if I don’t exist at that moment. And then I suddenly remembered when I was not around for a week for a business trip, she was not feeling well. My mom was the one who took care of her until she was well. I read in a certain article that for some instance dogs might feel a so called “Huff” when their owner is not around specially when they are ill. Maybe the dog just feel the same way. Try to remember an instance that you were not around when your pet needs you most.

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