Ohh, Florida

Don’t ever change:

A Florida woman wearing nothing but a thong rampaged through a St. Petersburg McDonald’s Monday, banging her head on the counter and then attempting to take apart the kitchen with her bare hands. Eventually, she chilled out by eating soft-serve straight out of the machine.

Employees posted the uncensored security footage to LiveLeak later that night, along with their running commentary.

Betty, why are you seemingly the only sane person in the state?






94 replies
  1. 1
    jayboat says:

    Ha! I am only sane on Thursday from 2-2:30.

  2. 2
    Roger Moore says:

    Those of us with Florida Woman in our twitter feed already got this one. She and Florida Man are amazingly busy.

  3. 3
    elm says:

    Has Betty posted since this woman was taken into custody?

  4. 4
    proterozoic says:

    Ah, another entry into our favorite game: “What would they be saying about this person if she were black?”

  5. 5
    Betty Cracker says:

    Hey, it was really muggy yesterday. They probably fucked up her order. My theory is that topical mosquito spray and sunblock combine to create a psychoactive compound.

  6. 6

    To echo @elm, why do you assume this wasn’t Betty?

    EDIT – Hello, Betty. You seem to know a lot about how this happened!

  7. 7
    Mnemosyne says:

    If my co-worker isn’t careful, I’m gonna go all Florida Woman on her. Really, I can’t have a place to hang my calendar because you don’t like the way a corkboard looks? WTF?

  8. 8
    Chris says:

    *I* was sane before I moved here.

  9. 9
  10. 10
    John S. says:

    It’s the sunshine here. The rays go right through your skull and cook your brains.

  11. 11
    Belafon says:

    @proterozoic: They (meaning Florida, not gawker) would probably be asking why someone at the McDonald’s didn’t stand their ground, and call for more guns to protect people from an ice cream thief. And they’d show her mug shot over and over.

  12. 12
    eric says:

    the radiation from her obamaphone must have gotten to her

  13. 13
    catclub says:

    @John S.: That is basically what Garrison Keillor says.

  14. 14
    bemused says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Is she the only co-worker you share space with? She sounds pretty anal. It must be tempting to tell her you don’t like the way she looks either but that’s probably just me.

  15. 15
    Biff Longbotham says:

    Being Florida, I blame Fidel.

  16. 16
    WereBear says:

    Ah. Florida. I once had an old man at the bus stop in Tampa go all crazy, stomping around. “It’s too hot!” Over and over.

    And it was. So what are you going to do?

  17. 17
    Chris says:

    @WereBear:

    In his defense, it really IS too hot.

    THANKS, OBAMA.

  18. 18
    rikyrah says:

    ummm…

    ummm….

    Some things are just hilarious

  19. 19
    scav says:

    @Belafon: don’t forget the long homilies about how a broken culture necessarily leads to such inappropriate dress sense, eating habits and lack of respect for private property.

  20. 20
    WereBear says:

    I went to an UN-airconditioned high school in Central Florida. Inland.

    So when we read Southern Gothic short stories, I had no doubts where it all came from. The heat rash potential alone was enough to send someone over the edge.

  21. 21
    Belafon says:

    @scav: And if she’d just had a good husband, not one of those lazy inner-city types…

  22. 22
    Belafon says:

    @WereBear: The United Nations air conditioned your school? (I had to read your post a couple of times before I could get what you wrote.)

  23. 23
    🍀 Martin says:

    Betty, why are you seemingly the only sane person in the state?

    It would be unreasonable not to speculate, I suppose.

  24. 24
    kindness says:

    Wait?!? That’s Betty trashing that Mickey D’s?

  25. 25
    Anoniminous says:

    This running around bare chested Thing has got to stop.

    It frightens the children and sends the wrong message to horses.

  26. 26
    🍀 Martin says:

    @Belafon: The path to gun confiscation and the Amero is a long one.

    First they came for the high humidity, and I did not speak out — because I was chafing…

  27. 27
    Cassidy says:

    @proterozoic: “We regret to inform you, but…”

  28. 28
    Mike G says:

    @Belafon:

    The United Nations air conditioned your school?

    Haha
    World Government-chilled air is COMMUNISM!

  29. 29
    gnomedad says:

    Craziness in Florida not involving guns? Kind of refreshing, actually.

  30. 30
    mai naem mobile says:

    John you ‘re just jealous that you don’t have governor voldemort and,hell, if you did have governor voldermort you would be at that McDonald’s doing your nekkid mopping act!

  31. 31
    Betty Cracker says:

    @kindness: Oh hail no! When I strip down and go berserk in a restaurant, I choose much classier joints. Like Steak ‘n Shake. The ice cream is way better, and they have these little shoe-string fries! Mmmm!

  32. 32
    shelly says:

    Sounds like an ex-manager who just heard they were thinking of raising the minimum wage.

  33. 33
    NorthLeft12 says:

    @Comrade Mary:

    “Canada can’t beat that.”

    Thank God for that!

    Signed A Canadian

  34. 34
    FridayNext says:

    If Florida had won the championship last night, this behavior would have been totally excused.

  35. 35
    Mart says:

    Over thirty comments in and no, “I’d do her”. They have kneecapped the real men in this once great country.

  36. 36
    gbear says:

    Actually, if I had less self control, I’d be doing the same thing as Florida woman. I’m having that kind of day.

    I got up this morning, showered and got dressed and came downstairs to pet the cat and get her breakfast. She’s not a big fan of being picked up and petted, but this morning I decided I wanted to give her a snuggle. It only took a couple seconds to realize that she had a poop stuck to her butthairs. I had to go upstairs and change clothes and then unsuccessfully tried to get her to stay still long enough to get the poop off her butt. She ran upstairs feeling terrorized, and my day has been going downhill since.

    I did make an appointment with my vet for this evening to get Halley a ‘sanitary trim’. No way am I going to do it myself.

  37. 37
    Roger Moore says:

    @Mike G:

    World Government-chilled air is COMMUNISM!

    Why didn’t anyone tell me Communism was so great? I thought it was just about expropriating the capitalists. Nobody told me there was free air conditioning.

  38. 38
    SatanicPanic says:

    I’m lovin’ it

  39. 39
    kc says:

    Speaking of ice cream, today is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s.

  40. 40
    kc says:

    Speaking of ice cream, today is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s.

  41. 41
    MattF says:

    I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for it. My theory is that her hovercraft was full of eels.

  42. 42
    Tone in DC says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    Oh hail no! When I strip down and go berserk in a restaurant, I choose much classier joints. Like Steak ‘n Shake. The ice cream is way better, and they have these little shoe-string fries! Mmmm!

    I like it.

  43. 43
    Trollhattan says:

    Won’t someone think of the poor thong?

  44. 44
    🍀 Martin says:

    @Roger Moore: Redistribution of heat is theft!

  45. 45
    muddy says:

    @gbear: You could ask John for tips, he’s an experienced cat ass shaver.

  46. 46
    NCSteve says:

    @NorthLeft12: Given the number of Canadians in Florida at any given time, are you really sure you want to stake yourself out on that?

  47. 47
    kc says:

    @gbear:

    Well, I WAS going to go get a free cone at Ben & Jerry’s, until I read that.

  48. 48
    Trollhattan says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    Recommend Outback. Could fashion bloomin’ onions into pasties, or somesuch.

  49. 49
    muddy says:

    I liked the way she was so methodical about her destruction. Very businesslike.

  50. 50
    🍀 Martin says:

    @kc: You don’t have to get Mocha Dingleberry Crunch, you know. They have lots of other flavors.

  51. 51
    gbear says:

    @muddy: If I remember correctly, that didn’t end well for John.

  52. 52
    Roger Moore says:

    @gbear:

    Actually, if I had less self control, I’d be doing the same thing as Florida woman.

    Or more booze. I think it’s a safe guess that some kind of mind-altering substance was involved, as it is in most of the antics coming from Florida Woman and Florida Man.

  53. 53
    Belafon says:

    @Tone in DC: You could always go with Hel (one L), the Norse Goddess of the Underworld which bears her name.

    It’s fun talking language with a middle schooler who is a mythology fanatic: “Sorry, son, but you still can’t say that at school, unless you can figure out a way to make two Ls sound different than one. No, they won’t let you say hell as if it were written in Spanish.”

  54. 54
    Bokonon says:

    She was protesting BENGHAZI!

  55. 55
    the Conster says:

    Florida woman is the honey badger. I love internet meme convergence.

  56. 56
    Elizabelle says:

    Thank God Florida doesn’t have Stand Your Counter laws.

    Was this woman having a psychotic break? Or on drugs? (Or her ex managed the McD’s?)

    With the Live Leak footage, I found the woman’s verbal narration far more offensive than the rampaging naked chick.

    She was calling the woman a “ho” and laughing about it. She seemed to know the staff people involved. She was commenting on the size of the “titties” too.

  57. 57
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @scav: WHERE’S MY FUCKIN’ ICED TEA, ASSHOLE!?!

  58. 58
    Wally Ballou says:

    No, no, you people don’t understand.

    Jonathan Winters died one year ago this week, and this woman, being a fan, decided to honor his memory by re-creating his filling station scene from “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”.

  59. 59
    muddy says:

    @gbear: He hasn’t complained of injury since, he must have improved his technique.

  60. 60
    Cassidy says:

    This is Michael Franti day. Sometimes I wish I still smoked pot.

  61. 61
    SatanicPanic says:

    @Bokonon: No, she was distracting us from Benghazi!

  62. 62
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Anoniminous: Could have been much worse.

    Could have been Chris Christie.

  63. 63

    If it had happened here in Miami, she would have chewed off someone’s face.

  64. 64
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:
    Heavens to Betsy — to Murgatroyd, even. That would have been a truly gross pair of titties.

  65. 65
    Elizabelle says:

    Tampa Bay Times: they’re not so sure yet this happened in St. Pete.

    The popular news aggregation website Drudge Report was promoting a video Tuesday morning with the headline, “VIDEO: Topless woman ransacks MCDONALDS, steals ice cream …” and “WARNING: Graphic.”

    A click on the link directed readers to a story on Breitbart.com captioned, “A CCTV video shows an “agitated” topless woman in only panties going crazy in a St. Petersburg, FL McDonald’s…”

    Calls to the St. Petersburg Police Department to confirm the video’s origin weren’t immediately successful. Spokesman Bill Proffitt was looking into it, but said he hadn’t heard of such an incident.

    You’d think the department had heard of such an incident.

    COULD IT BE JEB BUSH’S DAUGHTER WHO’S HAD DRUG PROBS IN THE PAST?

    Somebody has to speculate.

    That would be my flavor of the week.

  66. 66
    Betty Cracker says:

    @Elizabelle: I’m figuring she (the narrator) was a kid. Doesn’t make it right, but most teenagers would respond similarly, I’m guessing. I know I would have said something I’d be ashamed of now if someone had rampaged through the Pizza Hut where I worked as a teen. Hopefully she’ll earn enough scratch at Mickey D’s to fund a community college women’s study course at some point and attain a more enlightened POV.

  67. 67

    And if it had happened in Key West, they would have said, “Oh, hey, dinner and a show. Cool.”

  68. 68
    Elizabelle says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    Yeah. I really winced at the “ho” throughout. If you’re not around that word all the time, it’s even uglier (to me) than the F word.

    (And I use the F word a lot, if not out loud.)

  69. 69
    Cacti says:

    Speaking of Floriduh, from the world of GOP hispanic outreach:

    The Orange County (FL) GOP chair has lamented that change in his county’s voter demographics has been fueled by an influx of welfare-moochin’ Puerto Ricans.

    Can’t link but Gawker has the story.

  70. 70
  71. 71
    Tone in DC says:

    @Belafon:

    Al infierno con estas hamburgesas!!!!1!

    Actually, I can’t stand the McAttack’s hamburgers. Just sayin’.

    As for our underdressed vandal/yogurt thief, let’s hope she finds and takes her meds.

  72. 72
    NotMax says:

    You deserve a (psychotic) break today

  73. 73
    Tone in DC says:

    With the Live Leak footage, I found the woman’s verbal narration far more offensive than the rampaging naked chick.

    LULz.

    I understand that the narration was childish/sexist/kind of foul, but I had to chuckle at that line.

  74. 74
    Elizabelle says:

    This poor woman.

    Talk about what do you do when your eventual future employers become aware of this video?

  75. 75
    WereBear says:

    @Mustang Bobby: Won’t want that back.

  76. 76
    Elizabelle says:

    @Mustang Bobby:

    It’s bad enough to have a glass tube up your butt, but toward the end of the story:

    A couple of weeks after the arrest, López was transferred from purchasing director to a leadership post in Public Works.

    In the middle of February, when an el Nuevo Herald reporter asked Hernández the reasons for the transfer, the mayor said it was part of a restructuring.

    Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/201.....rylink=cpy

    A leadership post in Public Works? What did PW do to deserve that?

  77. 77
    Elizabelle says:

    @Tone in DC:

    Yeah, I don’t blame you for laughing. It was kind of a surreal comment.

    However: I wouldn’t laugh at a dog or animal being beaten, and it was obvious something was terribly wrong with that woman. Funny situation, I’ll grant you.

  78. 78
    PaulW says:

    As a long-time Florida resident, I banana woop under the wibble hahahahahaha.

    Also, SQUIRREL.

    P.S. I think that poor woman was on drugs. remember the cases where naked guys ran around biting people’s faces off? might be the same thing, only more gelatin focused.

  79. 79
    Tone in DC says:

    Maybe the dude with the (pipe) glass in his ass and this nearly nude yogurt thief know each other. Or something.

    It’d be irresponsible not to speculate.

  80. 80
    Cassidy says:

    Probably just drunk. Tends to happen around the water.

  81. 81
    PaulW says:

    this must have just happened. FARK isn’t even reporting it yet… or else I’m not looking in the right place…

  82. 82
    Pogonip says:

    @gbear: Well, that just shaves the cat’s ass, doesn’t it?

  83. 83
    dollared says:

    As a yankee (but not a Yankees’ fan), I really think we underestimate the value of winter. It kills the mosquitos and fleas, it keeps everyone inside and drinking quietly by themselves for a couple of months, and it seems to somehow prevent this kind of shit.

  84. 84
    Anoniminous says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    Thank you for that image.

    (Now I have to run to store to replenish my supplies of brain bleach and mental floss.)

  85. 85
    Grung_e_Gene says:

    This could be a case of excited delirium. The reason people run around nude and act strangely and seek out cool substances (i.e. ice cream) is their body temperature is elevated and they need to cool down. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she had an interaction with legal or non-legal substances.

    BTW, if you see someone acting like this you should call 911 because if it is Excited Delirium they are going to die.

  86. 86
    wmd says:

    Carl Hiasson can’t keep up with the wackiness of real Florida.

  87. 87
    sm*t cl*de says:

    I love internet meme convergence.
    Fuck this.
    Fuck that.
    Fuck those too.
    Fuck all these.
    Fuck this cash register in particular.

  88. 88
    SFAW says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    Oh hail no! When I strip down and go berserk in a restaurant, I choose much classier joints.

    Film at 11?

  89. 89
    cckids says:

    @WereBear:

    I once had an old man at the bus stop in Tampa go all crazy, stomping around. “It’s too hot!” Over and over.

    I deeply sympathize. August days when the AC is out on the car & I’m sitting in traffic. I’d include more cursing, though.

  90. 90

    @WereBear: Yeah, talk about bogarting….

  91. 91
    mclaren says:

    The question on everyone’s mind, of course, is: how did eemom get into a Florida McDonald’s?

  92. 92
    Comrade Mary says:

    @kc: Yes! Yes it was! I was at DFW waiting for my delayed connecting flight, saw the Ben and Jerry sign, and joined what seemed to be a rather long line-up. It was only as I got closer that I found out I was going to get a FREE cone! Dear nice people at the DFW B&J: I left a handful of American change and a single Canadian toonie for the Boys and Girls club because that was all the coinage I had. Sorry.

    EDIT: New buttons on desktop site as well as mobile? Well, they sure do stand out.

  93. 93
    Jackie says:

    @gbear: My Cinder is 20 yrs old and sometimes gets poop stuck to her butt hairs. And sometimes the poop drops off inside the cat door rather than outside. She’s 20. I just grab a paper towel – moistened and clean her bottom and/or use dampened paper towel to pick up. I’m just glad she’s still with me and pooping.

    She gets embarrassed and I just pretend nothing happened – to save face. She’s worth it.:) She really works on grooming and I know it’s important to her so I just pretend when I need to and she’s finally accepting “my help” to keep her dignity intact. I also have to cut out chunks of fur around her lower back because she just can’t reach anymore and it gets matted – but it pisses her off enough to bite me – if I’m not fast enough to cut and move.

    I’ll so miss her when she’s not here any more. I adopted her when she was 4 1/2 weeks old. She basically told me “I’m going to change your life” and she sure has!

  94. 94
    taylormattd says:

    That video is fantastic

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