Don’t ever change:
A Florida woman wearing nothing but a thong rampaged through a St. Petersburg McDonald’s Monday, banging her head on the counter and then attempting to take apart the kitchen with her bare hands. Eventually, she chilled out by eating soft-serve straight out of the machine.
Employees posted the uncensored security footage to LiveLeak later that night, along with their running commentary.
Betty, why are you seemingly the only sane person in the state?
jayboat
Ha! I am only sane on Thursday from 2-2:30.
Roger Moore
Those of us with Florida Woman in our twitter feed already got this one. She and Florida Man are amazingly busy.
elm
Has Betty posted since this woman was taken into custody?
proterozoic
Ah, another entry into our favorite game: “What would they be saying about this person if she were black?”
Betty Cracker
Hey, it was really muggy yesterday. They probably fucked up her order. My theory is that topical mosquito spray and sunblock combine to create a psychoactive compound.
Frankensteinbeck
To echo @elm, why do you assume this wasn’t Betty?
EDIT – Hello, Betty. You seem to know a lot about how this happened!
Mnemosyne
If my co-worker isn’t careful, I’m gonna go all Florida Woman on her. Really, I can’t have a place to hang my calendar because you don’t like the way a corkboard looks? WTF?
Chris
*I* was sane before I moved here.
Comrade Mary
Canada can’t beat that.
Rob Ford stuck with 10000 Easter eggs.
Man goes on Tim Horton rampage
John S.
It’s the sunshine here. The rays go right through your skull and cook your brains.
Belafon
@proterozoic: They (meaning Florida, not gawker) would probably be asking why someone at the McDonald’s didn’t stand their ground, and call for more guns to protect people from an ice cream thief. And they’d show her mug shot over and over.
eric
the radiation from her obamaphone must have gotten to her
catclub
@John S.: That is basically what Garrison Keillor says.
bemused
@Mnemosyne:
Is she the only co-worker you share space with? She sounds pretty anal. It must be tempting to tell her you don’t like the way she looks either but that’s probably just me.
Biff Longbotham
Being Florida, I blame Fidel.
WereBear
Ah. Florida. I once had an old man at the bus stop in Tampa go all crazy, stomping around. “It’s too hot!” Over and over.
And it was. So what are you going to do?
Chris
@WereBear:
In his defense, it really IS too hot.
THANKS, OBAMA.
rikyrah
ummm…
ummm….
Some things are just hilarious
scav
@Belafon: don’t forget the long homilies about how a broken culture necessarily leads to such inappropriate dress sense, eating habits and lack of respect for private property.
WereBear
I went to an UN-airconditioned high school in Central Florida. Inland.
So when we read Southern Gothic short stories, I had no doubts where it all came from. The heat rash potential alone was enough to send someone over the edge.
Belafon
@scav: And if she’d just had a good husband, not one of those lazy inner-city types…
Belafon
@WereBear: The United Nations air conditioned your school? (I had to read your post a couple of times before I could get what you wrote.)
? Martin
It would be unreasonable not to speculate, I suppose.
kindness
Wait?!? That’s Betty trashing that Mickey D’s?
Anoniminous
This running around bare chested Thing has got to stop.
It frightens the children and sends the wrong message to horses.
? Martin
@Belafon: The path to gun confiscation and the Amero is a long one.
First they came for the high humidity, and I did not speak out — because I was chafing…
Cassidy
@proterozoic: “We regret to inform you, but…”
Mike G
@Belafon:
Haha
World Government-chilled air is COMMUNISM!
gnomedad
Craziness in Florida not involving guns? Kind of refreshing, actually.
mai naem mobile
John you ‘re just jealous that you don’t have governor voldemort and,hell, if you did have governor voldermort you would be at that McDonald’s doing your nekkid mopping act!
Betty Cracker
@kindness: Oh hail no! When I strip down and go berserk in a restaurant, I choose much classier joints. Like Steak ‘n Shake. The ice cream is way better, and they have these little shoe-string fries! Mmmm!
shelly
Sounds like an ex-manager who just heard they were thinking of raising the minimum wage.
NorthLeft12
@Comrade Mary:
“Canada can’t beat that.”
Thank God for that!
Signed A Canadian
FridayNext
If Florida had won the championship last night, this behavior would have been totally excused.
Mart
Over thirty comments in and no, “I’d do her”. They have kneecapped the real men in this once great country.
gbear
Actually, if I had less self control, I’d be doing the same thing as Florida woman. I’m having that kind of day.
I got up this morning, showered and got dressed and came downstairs to pet the cat and get her breakfast. She’s not a big fan of being picked up and petted, but this morning I decided I wanted to give her a snuggle. It only took a couple seconds to realize that she had a poop stuck to her butthairs. I had to go upstairs and change clothes and then unsuccessfully tried to get her to stay still long enough to get the poop off her butt. She ran upstairs feeling terrorized, and my day has been going downhill since.
I did make an appointment with my vet for this evening to get Halley a ‘sanitary trim’. No way am I going to do it myself.
Roger Moore
@Mike G:
Why didn’t anyone tell me Communism was so great? I thought it was just about expropriating the capitalists. Nobody told me there was free air conditioning.
SatanicPanic
I’m lovin’ it
kc
Speaking of ice cream, today is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s.
kc
Speaking of ice cream, today is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry’s.
MattF
I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation for it. My theory is that her hovercraft was full of eels.
Tone in DC
@Betty Cracker:
I like it.
Trollhattan
Won’t someone think of the poor thong?
? Martin
@Roger Moore: Redistribution of heat is theft!
muddy
@gbear: You could ask John for tips, he’s an experienced cat ass shaver.
NCSteve
@NorthLeft12: Given the number of Canadians in Florida at any given time, are you really sure you want to stake yourself out on that?
kc
@gbear:
Well, I WAS going to go get a free cone at Ben & Jerry’s, until I read that.
Trollhattan
@Betty Cracker:
Recommend Outback. Could fashion bloomin’ onions into pasties, or somesuch.
muddy
I liked the way she was so methodical about her destruction. Very businesslike.
? Martin
@kc: You don’t have to get Mocha Dingleberry Crunch, you know. They have lots of other flavors.
gbear
@muddy: If I remember correctly, that didn’t end well for John.
Roger Moore
@gbear:
Or more booze. I think it’s a safe guess that some kind of mind-altering substance was involved, as it is in most of the antics coming from Florida Woman and Florida Man.
Belafon
@Tone in DC: You could always go with Hel (one L), the Norse Goddess of the Underworld which bears her name.
It’s fun talking language with a middle schooler who is a mythology fanatic: “Sorry, son, but you still can’t say that at school, unless you can figure out a way to make two Ls sound different than one. No, they won’t let you say hell as if it were written in Spanish.”
Bokonon
She was protesting BENGHAZI!
the Conster
Florida woman is the honey badger. I love internet meme convergence.
Elizabelle
Thank God Florida doesn’t have Stand Your Counter laws.
Was this woman having a psychotic break? Or on drugs? (Or her ex managed the McD’s?)
With the Live Leak footage, I found the woman’s verbal narration far more offensive than the rampaging naked chick.
She was calling the woman a “ho” and laughing about it. She seemed to know the staff people involved. She was commenting on the size of the “titties” too.
Villago Delenda Est
@scav: WHERE’S MY FUCKIN’ ICED TEA, ASSHOLE!?!
Wally Ballou
No, no, you people don’t understand.
Jonathan Winters died one year ago this week, and this woman, being a fan, decided to honor his memory by re-creating his filling station scene from “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World”.
muddy
@gbear: He hasn’t complained of injury since, he must have improved his technique.
Cassidy
This is Michael Franti day. Sometimes I wish I still smoked pot.
SatanicPanic
@Bokonon: No, she was distracting us from Benghazi!
Villago Delenda Est
@Anoniminous: Could have been much worse.
Could have been Chris Christie.
Mustang Bobby
If it had happened here in Miami, she would have chewed off someone’s face.
Amir Khalid
@Villago Delenda Est:
Heavens to Betsy — to Murgatroyd, even. That would have been a truly gross pair of titties.
Elizabelle
Tampa Bay Times: they’re not so sure yet this happened in St. Pete.
You’d think the department had heard of such an incident.
COULD IT BE JEB BUSH’S DAUGHTER WHO’S HAD DRUG PROBS IN THE PAST?
Somebody has to speculate.
That would be my flavor of the week.
Betty Cracker
@Elizabelle: I’m figuring she (the narrator) was a kid. Doesn’t make it right, but most teenagers would respond similarly, I’m guessing. I know I would have said something I’d be ashamed of now if someone had rampaged through the Pizza Hut where I worked as a teen. Hopefully she’ll earn enough scratch at Mickey D’s to fund a community college women’s study course at some point and attain a more enlightened POV.
Mustang Bobby
And if it had happened in Key West, they would have said, “Oh, hey, dinner and a show. Cool.”
Elizabelle
@Betty Cracker:
Yeah. I really winced at the “ho” throughout. If you’re not around that word all the time, it’s even uglier (to me) than the F word.
(And I use the F word a lot, if not out loud.)
Cacti
Speaking of Floriduh, from the world of GOP hispanic outreach:
The Orange County (FL) GOP chair has lamented that change in his county’s voter demographics has been fueled by an influx of welfare-moochin’ Puerto Ricans.
Can’t link but Gawker has the story.
Mustang Bobby
Meanwhile…
Police: Hialeah official stashed meth pipe in his rectum.
Ouch.
Tone in DC
@Belafon:
Al infierno con estas hamburgesas!!!!1!
Actually, I can’t stand the McAttack’s hamburgers. Just sayin’.
As for our underdressed vandal/yogurt thief, let’s hope she finds and takes her meds.
NotMax
You deserve a (psychotic) break today…
Tone in DC
LULz.
I understand that the narration was childish/sexist/kind of foul, but I had to chuckle at that line.
Elizabelle
This poor woman.
Talk about what do you do when your eventual future employers become aware of this video?
WereBear
@Mustang Bobby: Won’t want that back.
Elizabelle
@Mustang Bobby:
It’s bad enough to have a glass tube up your butt, but toward the end of the story:
Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2014/04/07/4045581/police-hialeah-official-stashed.html#storylink=cpy
A leadership post in Public Works? What did PW do to deserve that?
Elizabelle
@Tone in DC:
Yeah, I don’t blame you for laughing. It was kind of a surreal comment.
However: I wouldn’t laugh at a dog or animal being beaten, and it was obvious something was terribly wrong with that woman. Funny situation, I’ll grant you.
PaulW
As a long-time Florida resident, I banana woop under the wibble hahahahahaha.
Also, SQUIRREL.
P.S. I think that poor woman was on drugs. remember the cases where naked guys ran around biting people’s faces off? might be the same thing, only more gelatin focused.
Tone in DC
Maybe the dude with the (pipe) glass in his ass and this nearly nude yogurt thief know each other. Or something.
It’d be irresponsible not to speculate.
Cassidy
Probably just drunk. Tends to happen around the water.
PaulW
this must have just happened. FARK isn’t even reporting it yet… or else I’m not looking in the right place…
Pogonip
@gbear: Well, that just shaves the cat’s ass, doesn’t it?
dollared
As a yankee (but not a Yankees’ fan), I really think we underestimate the value of winter. It kills the mosquitos and fleas, it keeps everyone inside and drinking quietly by themselves for a couple of months, and it seems to somehow prevent this kind of shit.
Anoniminous
@Villago Delenda Est:
Thank you for that image.
(Now I have to run to store to replenish my supplies of brain bleach and mental floss.)
Grung_e_Gene
This could be a case of excited delirium. The reason people run around nude and act strangely and seek out cool substances (i.e. ice cream) is their body temperature is elevated and they need to cool down. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out she had an interaction with legal or non-legal substances.
BTW, if you see someone acting like this you should call 911 because if it is Excited Delirium they are going to die.
wmd
Carl Hiasson can’t keep up with the wackiness of real Florida.
sm*t cl*de
I love internet meme convergence.
Fuck this.
Fuck that.
Fuck those too.
Fuck all these.
Fuck this cash register in particular.
SFAW
@Betty Cracker:
Film at 11?
cckids
@WereBear:
I deeply sympathize. August days when the AC is out on the car & I’m sitting in traffic. I’d include more cursing, though.
Mustang Bobby
@WereBear: Yeah, talk about bogarting….
mclaren
The question on everyone’s mind, of course, is: how did eemom get into a Florida McDonald’s?
Comrade Mary
@kc: Yes! Yes it was! I was at DFW waiting for my delayed connecting flight, saw the Ben and Jerry sign, and joined what seemed to be a rather long line-up. It was only as I got closer that I found out I was going to get a FREE cone! Dear nice people at the DFW B&J: I left a handful of American change and a single Canadian toonie for the Boys and Girls club because that was all the coinage I had. Sorry.
EDIT: New buttons on desktop site as well as mobile? Well, they sure do stand out.
Jackie
@gbear: My Cinder is 20 yrs old and sometimes gets poop stuck to her butt hairs. And sometimes the poop drops off inside the cat door rather than outside. She’s 20. I just grab a paper towel – moistened and clean her bottom and/or use dampened paper towel to pick up. I’m just glad she’s still with me and pooping.
She gets embarrassed and I just pretend nothing happened – to save face. She’s worth it.:) She really works on grooming and I know it’s important to her so I just pretend when I need to and she’s finally accepting “my help” to keep her dignity intact. I also have to cut out chunks of fur around her lower back because she just can’t reach anymore and it gets matted – but it pisses her off enough to bite me – if I’m not fast enough to cut and move.
I’ll so miss her when she’s not here any more. I adopted her when she was 4 1/2 weeks old. She basically told me “I’m going to change your life” and she sure has!
taylormattd
That video is fantastic