Shorter Chris Christie

“After an extensive investigation of myself by me and my staff, I have determined that not only am I not guilty of anything, but I am witty, slim, and a magnificent lover.”

I guess now we get to watch and see if this press swallows this choad. I can’t watch it because I am out of shape and worry about heart failure, but I bet tomorrow’s Morning Joe is going to be an excellent static display of contortion.

56 replies
  1. 1
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Bloomberg News accepted it without blinking, so yes, the media is still filled with useful (or useless, depending on your standpoint) idiots. The NYT, as far as I could tell, picked up on the pertinent fact, which is that Wildstein said that he had told Christie about the traffic jams when they were happening.

  2. 2
    Cap'n Phealy says:

    Shorter press response to Christie: Thank you, sir, may we have some more?

  3. 3
    Jerzy Russian says:

    I am glad that is all cleared up.

  4. 4
    BGinCHI says:

    If you want to be lied to then this all makes perfect sense.

  5. 5
    Violet says:

    He also blamed his staff, right?

  6. 6
    aimai says:

    Man, I’d have myself cleared by an independent commission if it would take a few years and pounds off me, too.

  7. 7
    Sinnach says:

    Yeah, the media is busy lapping it up. Just came across the headline ‘Christie cleared in scandal’. No mention of who or why (in the headline). Ah well, I do hope he still runs in 2016. The other GOP candidates will eat him alive if he tries.

  8. 8
    Jeff Spender says:

    Well, you know what they say. If you can’t trust a law firm you hired with deep connections to your administration to clear you of all wrongdoing, who can you trust?

  9. 9
    Baud says:

    If only Obama had done an internal investigation on Benghazi, we wouldn’t still be talking about it.

  10. 10
    Mike E says:

    CBS Evening News reported it quite matter-of-factly…Texts and emails…Dem state legis lady had an 8 sec sound bite…Wildstein and Bridget did it…No idea as to why.

  11. 11
    Tommy says:

    All I will say is this. As messed up as my state is and the state next to me, if you tried to shut down parts of 64 from IL into MO cause well, you just wanted to punish say East St. Louis (which a lot of folks would like to), you’d need a security detail. You also wouldn’t have a job.

    My last two governors are still in jail. A judge by me sold heroin. A local police chief of a major city is trying for the forth time to get his license back, cause well he tends to kill folks when he drives. The list of things that happen are staggering. But we’d find what Christie did to be a little over-the-top.

  12. 12

    I’m surprised they didn’t issue a blanket apology to him and his staff for having bothered him with all these baseless charges.

  13. 13
    Amir Khalid says:

    Christie’s a lawyer. He must have known this would never pass any smell test. It certainly won’t with the federal prosecutors who, last I heard, were looking at him. Is this how he’s planning to bully/charm his way out of that?

  14. 14
    PsiFighter37 says:

    @Mike E: It’s not a true scandal unless there’s sexual intercourse involved. Everyone knows that.

  15. 15
    Elizabelle says:

    Well, alrighty then.

    Uh uh.

  16. 16
    JMG says:

    This isn’t helping Christie. This is Nixon saying to L. Patrick Gray to just continue his full investigation. This is also Christie saying to his trusted aides “Sorry guys, but screw you.” That never works, because of the part where you used to trust them.

  17. 17
    Violet says:

    Diane Sawyer is getting the first Christie interview post Bridge scandal. The interview is taking place at Christie’s home and is also featuring his wife. They’re working hard to soften his image, aren’t they?

  18. 18
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @Violet: Just watching a clip on MSNBC. He is an insufferably smug bastard.

    @PsiFighter37: That’s why I was surprised his lawyer brought the Kelly-Stepian affair out in public (it’s apparently been an open secret). If you want the Village to stop paying attention to something, you don’t offer the pecksniffian Mr and Mrs Grundys of Broderville sex to obsess about.

  19. 19
    Hunter Gathers says:

    @Tommy:

    But we’d find what Christie did to be a little over-the-top.

    We would have booted his ass out 2 days after the story broke. We demand that real crooks run the state. Not half-assed wannabe tough guys who would rather look like a chump than admit that he lied. Compared to Ryan and Blago, Christie’s a fucking piker.

  20. 20
    BGinCHI says:

    Today at Nuremberg, all National Socialists were found innocent by the report graciously supplied by Herr Goebbels.

  21. 21
    JMG says:

    Diane Sawyer is the living exemplar of why television news is and always has been worthless.

  22. 22
    Pogonip says:

    @aimai: Me too! Can I also withdraw the effects of time and gravity?

  23. 23
    JPL says:

    Here’s the interview with Diane Sawyer. You can watch so I don’t have to. link

  24. 24
    Baud says:

    @JPL:

    Please tell me she asks him how he’s been able to get such a trying time.

  25. 25
    The Dangerman says:

    ….my staff….a magnificent lover…

    So, size DOES matter.

  26. 26
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    Just saw that Jennifer Stefano (Americans for Prosperity) bellowing on last night’s All In that $94,000/yr is a lot of money. Aren’t these the same people who spent the last five years telling me that $250K/yr is paycheck-to-paychek working class?
    ETA: her argument is that medicaid expansion to 140% of poverty level covers households making $94K/yr.

  27. 27
    JPL says:

    @Baud: haha.. I didn’t watch it. CBS has scored an interview with the President that will air tomorrow night. That’s the one I’ll watch.

  28. 28
    Tommy says:

    @Hunter Gathers: Piker is a great word.

  29. 29
    JPL says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Technically she is right about the poverty level. Of course you have to be a family of sixteen.

  30. 30
    Hill Dweller says:

    Sawyer is part of the same club that thinks former Dubya flunkies are foreign policy experts.

  31. 31
    Baud says:

    @JPL:

    I’ve realized I rarely watch Obama’s interviews anymore because I can’t stand the journalists.

  32. 32
    trollhattan says:

    @JMG:

    Worked in the Nixon White House so she must have felt right at home. I think she was the prototype for the Standard Issue Fox News Hawt Blonde, admittedly with fifty-percent more substance.

    Anybody see Samantha Bee’s performance art takedown of Morning Blow? Effing brilliant.

  33. 33
    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader says:

    Christie took on a national liberal media trying to invent a scandal and came out a winner. I can’t wait to find out how his faith in Christ helped him through it.

  34. 34
    Mandalay says:

    Sawyer: But does it [the report] make you feel clueless?…

    Christie: Not clueless, but it certainly makes me feel taken advantage of.

    Yet again Christie decides to play the wimpy victim. So be it; he will get shredded in the Republican primaries. They’ll paint him as weak, clueless and lacking any leadership skills.

  35. 35
    raven says:

    @trollhattan: I posted it this afternoon.

  36. 36
    Snarki, child of Loki says:

    “After an extensive investigation of myself by me and my staff, I have determined that not only am I not guilty of anything, but I am witty, slim, and a magnificent lover.”

    …and humble. So very, very humble.

    Mustn’t leave that out.

  37. 37
    Violet says:

    @Hill Dweller: Never forget, Diane Sawyer worked for Nixon and stayed with him after he left office:

    She eventually found a job as an assistant to Jerry Warren, the White House deputy press secretary. She was at first assigned to write press releases and quickly graduated to other tasks like drafting some of President Richard Nixon’s public statements. In a few months, she was hired as administrative assistant to White House Press Secretary, Ron Ziegler, and eventually to staff assistant for U.S. President Richard Nixon.[4] Sawyer continued through Nixon’s resignation from the presidency in 1974 and worked on the Nixon-Ford transition team in 1974–1975, after which she decamped with Nixon to California and helped him write his memoirs, published in 1978. She also helped prepare Nixon for his famous set of television interviews with journalist David Frost in 1977.[5]

  38. 38
    Tommy says:

    @Hill Dweller: I say it stuns me, but it shouldn’t stun me. At least on foreign policy and war everybody not as liberal has me has been wrong 24/7.

    I note that before I started to read as much I thought invading Iraq was a good idea. Yes I said that and will admit it. I was a liberal at the time, but all the “experts” told me it was a “good” idea.

    All those folks were wrong. Now they were not a little wrong, they were totally wrong.

    The worse offenders, the Republicans and Bush officials, were more wrong then anybody. I mean I can’t really find an another example to highlight how wrong they are. Then I turn on my TV and I see them all still being asked what they think.

    I assume nothing of what they say is right. I am not sure they know water is wet.

  39. 39
    Violet says:

    Photo of Diane Sawyer with Nixon.

  40. 40
    ed says:

    Related:
    Nixon not a crook, Jessica Hahn not a bimbo, Paul Ryan not a racist.
    OK, then.

  41. 41
    burnspbesq says:

    Were you expecting some other outcome?

    The only investigation that matters is the grand jury investigation.

  42. 42
    Baud says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader:

    I can’t wait to find out how his faith in Christ helped him through it.

    True story. Jesus Christ was named after Chris Christie.

  43. 43
    mai naem says:

    @PsiFighter37: Actually, Bridget Kelly apparently had an affair with Bill Slepian and they are apparently portraying her as a woman hath scorned….according to Chris Matthews, anyway.

  44. 44
    Baud says:

    @burnspbesq:

    Were you expecting some other outcome?

    Have to admit, it would have been quite funny if Christie’s own investigation had concluded “Goddamn, Chris Christie’s one corrupt SOB.”

  45. 45
    maximiliano furtive, formerly known as dr. bloor says:

    @Sinnach:

    The other GOP candidates will eat him alive if he tries.

    I think Christie is the only candidate capable of eating Christie.

  46. 46
    catclub says:

    @Hunter Gathers: Are you from Louisiana or Rhode Island?

  47. 47
    Hill Dweller says:

    @Tommy: Condi Rice apparently called President Obama weak in the last couple of days. Never mind the Dubya flunkies’ ineptitude in Iraq and Afghanistan; they didn’t lift a finger when Putin invaded Georgia on their watch.

    The Village is full of sociopaths.

  48. 48
    Boudica says:

    Maddow is talking about this right now. Pictures of mayor Zimmer yawning read by body language experts as proof that she wasn’t threatened.

  49. 49
    Tommy says:

    @Hill Dweller: I agree. Look if you ask me something. I tell you this. This is how you fix that problem with your car. Your plumbing. I am not somewhat wrong, but totally wrong. Your car catches on fire and your house floods.

    You have car problems again, your next call isn’t to me

    If I had a TV show and Condi came on it would be ugly. I might actually open the interview with, “name something you were right about as Sectary off State?”

  50. 50
    Mike in NC says:

    @Hill Dweller: Condi apparently has nothing better to do these days than attend GOP conventions and fundraisers, so despite her wretched performance as National Security advisor and Secretary of State, some people are once again speculating whether someone who has never run for or held elected office will run for president in 2016. Jesus wept.

  51. 51
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @Mike in NC: She has a 65% approval rating, as of the summer of 2012 when there was some speculation about her as Willard’s running mate. I laughed when I heard it, then almost cried when I saw how weak our national character is.

    Looks like Boss Hogg is doubling down on blaming Bridget Kelly

  52. 52
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist:

    She was screaming and almost literally frothing at the mouth. It was an amazing, and somewhat scary, performance.

  53. 53
    kindness says:

    Tomorrow morning Scarboro will be on his knees fellating Christi all show long. No two ways about it.

  54. 54
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Baud:

    Have to admit, it would have been quite funny if Christie’s own investigation had concluded “Goddamn, Chris Christie’s one corrupt SOB.”

    Behind the scenes, I expect they did.

  55. 55
    Waynski says:

    @Amir Khalid: I think, as he is an attorney, he’s trying to muddy the waters and taint the jury pool. He’ll be standing before a Federal judge before too long and knows he will need some kind of defense. He knows he only needs one dumbass to believe his horseshit version of events to keep himself out of jail. It’s not about his political career. It’s about not becoming a prison bitch. Let’s not forget that he was a Federal prosecutor. The inmates would be painting him with lipstick on day one.

  56. 56
    bobbo says:

    @Violet:
    Diane Sawyer is getting the first Christie interview post Bridge scandal. The interview is taking place at Christie’s home and is also featuring his wife. They’re working hard to soften his image, aren’t they?

    Makes perfect sense. She was Nixon’s press aide, of course.

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