My new favorite SB Nation blogger, PFT Commenter (parodist, we hope), Explains It All for us:
… What is Free Agency?
Free Agency is when a player and his agent love each other very much, and they get together to try and break the hearts of all the inocent little kids and honest 40 year-old autograph collecting males who bought their jerseys. Basically the players got together and said “we need to find a way to quit and still get paid” and presto! Free Agency was born.
When a player decides that hes had enough of a certain fanbase literally paying his salary, he gets to test the free agent waters. Sometimes they strike out but sometimes they can convince Dan Snyder to give you $100 million dollars to do absolutley nothing…
What’s a Franchise Tag?
Its when a player gets so mad at his own team on account of they want to pay him the average of the most overpaid players at his position. They become literaly the only person on Earth who doesnt want to get paid more then $8 million a year to play football (a GAME) for a living. Heck, Id do it.
PFT Commenter Innovation Station:
I think that if players get a franchise tag they should have to get literaly tagged like a turtle on a nature show on there ears or through there necks for the duration of there tag year- you cant tell me that wouldnt be the coolest. It would help you identify players who return to the breeding grounds of free ageny over and over and would educate fans on the migration patterns of these “ME Agents.” Most NFL fans think that this is what actually happens but it actually isnt…
So, what sporting or other events are on the schedule for this evening?