Heartache to Heartache We Stand

This video from BYU Housing and Student Living explains why turning in your roommate for jacking off is just like fighting in one of “the battles of the great war”.

We wouldn’t need a Keystone pipeline if we could figure out a way to harness the energy created by putting a few thousand teenage and twenty-something kids in close proximity and forbidding them from having sex or even rubbing one out.






90 replies
  1. 1
    Trollhattan says:

    I am triple-checking my calendar yet am unable to get a reading of “April 1.” Calendar clearly done got broked.

  2. 2
    dmsilev says:

    They got the music all wrong. Needs to be set to Ken Burns’ favorite piece of music-to-go-to-war-with, Ashokan Farewell.

  3. 3
    Ash Can says:

    When I first heard about this I thought it was a joke. WTF is the matter with these people?

    ETA: Although I can easily imagine that this movie is the source of endless amusement among the students themselves.

  4. 4
    Lolis says:

    I actually follow Mormon concerns because I have a lot of Mormon relatives. Word on the street is porn addiction is becoming something that is perceived as a problem in the churches. The bishops are getting a lot of reports of it. Not surprising when you think about how sheltered they are. The narration on this video just makes it so much worse though. They should have hired an actor.

  5. 5
    Burnspbesq says:

    Just so we’re clear: we don’t need the Keystone XL pipeline. Canada needs a pipeline to get the proceeds of the Rape of Alberta to market. There isn’t a single reason why they should get to export any of the risk of environmental catastrophe that is inherent in moving that crap (arguably the dirtiest crude oil the world has ever known) to market.

    You want a pipeline? Build it in your own fucking country.

  6. 6
    GregB says:

    Don’t whack, do tell.

  7. 7
    Mr. Longform says:

    OK, that was pretty hilarious. I especially enjoyed all the homoerotic pats and going into rooms together and pointing phallic guns at each other. And, as I recall being a 19-year-old dorm resident, there was nothing like a night of shooting pool with my buddies who also weren’t getting any and looking at girls to keep these evil jerking off tendencies at bay. And, the war analogy is especially great because getting your rocks off is pretty much the same as getting shot at, right?

  8. 8
    Trollhattan says:

    @Ash Can:

    WTF is the matter with these people?

    Let’s start with the premise of “everything” to at least get within reach of the truth. They steadfastly remain the 19th century’s answer to $ciento1ogy.

  9. 9
    🎂 Martin says:

    @Lolis:

    Word on the street is porn addiction is becoming something that is perceived as a problem in the churches

    Utah has long been the highest per capita consumer of porn.

    They need to loosen up. Maslow will not be denied.

  10. 10
    dr. bloor says:

    @dmsilev:

    They got the music all wrong. Needs to be set to Ken Burns’ favorite piece of music-to-go-to-war-with, Ashokan Farewell.

    I sure know my dorm room was the site of reenactments of Pickett’s charge on a frequent basis.

  11. 11
    Mnemosyne says:

    I can’t get to it at work, but there was a great post on LoveJoyFeminism recently about some of the instructions that fundies are getting about sex and how it seriously warps the brain (to the point where, to the author ETA: of the piece being critiqued, it seems totally normal for a teenage boy to be angry at the woman he finds attractive because she should be covering herself). When I get home, I’ll post it here.

    ETA: Sorry, it seems normal to the author of the piece being critiqued, not to the author of the post. Just to be clear.

  12. 12
    PaulW says:

    There was a facebook response to this: “I knew I was a goddamn American hero…”

  13. 13
    Tommy says:

    I just got my power bill. Included with it was an EPA study on our water. It would seem my tap water is about as clean as tap water can get. That is kind of cool. Really cool I get that. I bet you don’t get that with your power bill and I am sad about that.

  14. 14
    PaulW says:

    @dr. bloor:

    I sure know my dorm room was the site of reenactments of Pickett’s charge on a frequent basis.

    Let’s just say American-Australian diplomatic relations worked out real well during negotiations in my dorm room during the month of October 1988…

  15. 15
    Amir Khalid says:

    Just out of curiosity: If you make a habit of secretly watching your college roommate pleasuring themselves — to gather evidence, let’s say — can someone then denounce you to BYU’s Housing and Student Living office as a voyeur?

  16. 16
    Roger Moore says:

    @Ash Can:

    WTF is the matter with these people?

    Their brains have been taken over by a particularly virulent meme. One of its characteristics is that it spreads from parent to offspring, and it grows more rapidly by encouraging maximum reproductive rate and discouraging any behavior that might diminish reproductive rate.

  17. 17
    Warren Terra says:

    @Lolis: I don’t know if it held up, but a study a half-dozen years ago found that Utahns were the biggest porn consumers in the USA, I think by a fair margin.

  18. 18
    kindness says:

    Jesus’ General used to be really good on this one. Now he only tweets soooo

    I may be showing my olds but when I lived in a dorm for 2 years back in the day we didn’t do that around our room-mates. It was considered poor form.

  19. 19
    Geeno says:

    @Amir Khalid: You’ve found the catch-22 to all of this.

  20. 20
    scav says:

    @Amir Khalid: Circle-Snitch of the Circle-Jerk? That’s 2/5s of the way to being a Fundie Olympics.

  21. 21
    Roger Moore says:

    @Burnspbesq:

    Just so we’re clear: we don’t need the Keystone XL pipeline.

    We don’t need it, but we do benefit from it economically, because it means that most of the refining will happen in the US. I think the economic benefits don’t come close to making up for the environmental danger, but the profits are privatized while the risks are socialized, so you know the money people like it.

  22. 22
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    First there was Cathy McMorris Rodgers and the wacky rules of the college she attended. Now this.

    I don’t even … I just can’t ….

  23. 23
    Violet says:

    Don’t know who’s doing the voiceover for this video but he sounds like an entitled jackass. He’s probably spending Daddy’s trust fund on hookers and blow. Isn’t Utah the state with the highest p0rn usage?

    Edit: Oh, I just got the part in the video where they show the guy. He’s a lot older than he sounds. Maybe he’s spending his own money, then.

  24. 24
    Hawes says:

    I think Democrats should be vocally pro-onanism. There are a lot more votes there.

  25. 25
    Anoniminous says:

    Nobody in the Mormon Church has read a book on sexuality published after 1623.

    (That’s a guess so the date may actually be 1263.)

  26. 26
    Gindy51 says:

    @🎂 Martin: Also the highest per capita consumption of anti depressants, mostly for their female population. If you think this video is weird, Google Mormon and floating. It will open up a whole new world for you, or not.

  27. 27
    EriktheRed says:

    Take note folks: comments for the video are disabled on YouTube.

    They usually are when Theo-cons post put their propaganda on there, since they just can’t seem to take even a sliver of criticism.

  28. 28
    tybee says:

    that look of love the poor victim gave his rescuer….and got back in return.

    bet that leads to another short film.

  29. 29
    different-church-lady says:

    @Trollhattan: Early candidate for comment of the year.

  30. 30
    Violet says:

    @Mr. Longform: Yeah, no kidding. Is this some kind of Mormon gay dating film?

  31. 31
    different-church-lady says:

    @EriktheRed: The world would probably be a better place if comments for all videos were disabled on YouTube.

  32. 32
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Violet:

    I think he’s the president of BYU’s Idaho campus.

  33. 33
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Ash Can:

    WTF is the matter with these people?

    Somebody has to tell the snitches they’re heroes: everyone else is going to treat them like bigoted jerks.

  34. 34
    IowaOldLady says:

    Does it seem like organized religion spends about 90% of its time worrying about sex? Is sex seriously the major moral issue we face?

  35. 35
    rea says:

    Dude, what’s with all the porn for masturbation? Don’t you have an imagination?

  36. 36
    Roger Moore says:

    @Tommy:

    I bet you don’t get that with your power bill and I am sad about that.

    I don’t get it with my power bill, but I do get an annual report on my city’s water quality. It’s not perfect, but it’s safe to drink. Our big problem is that our water is ridiculously hard. I’ve had to give up on soap and go exclusively to detergent-based hand and body washes to avoid having my skin so covered with soap scum that I get hives.

  37. 37
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Gindy51:

    I can never not know that now, can I?

  38. 38
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @kindness:

    I may be showing my olds but when I lived in a dorm for 2 years back in the day we didn’t do that around our room-mates. It was considered poor form.

    Well, I’d like to think that kids today don’t intentionally do it around their roommates, but sometimes, people just get caught in flagrante delicto, as it were.

  39. 39
    Roger Moore says:

    @Amir Khalid:
    I’d suggest anonymous reporting, but it wouldn’t help if the snitch is your roommate.

  40. 40
    jl says:

    I guess this is for real?

    The war machismo, guts, bonding and camaraderie stuff might get a poor lonely kid off p 0 rn and Mr. hand, and looking for a partner of some kind for the night. Which I think would be an improvement. I’m sure the Mormon church would agree!

    Edit: And the WWII stuff seemed European. Ahh, thoughts of sexy French and Italian village girls dance in my head. Yeah, I’m sure that goofy clip will work just fine.

  41. 41
    Comrade Jake says:

    Wouldn’t a better title for this post have been ” I touch myself” ? Missed opportunity there, dpm. You could have been somebody.

  42. 42
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Amir Khalid: Good point. I guess that would be possible.

    Anyone talking to their bishop about this type of sin risks being thrown out of the church and then having to prove themselves worthy of being admitted again.

    One of my guilty pleasures is watching Discovery ID (or crime all the time). They’ve had stories of all kinds of troubles Mormons have gotten themselves into — fraud, theft, murder family members, out of wedlock sex (both before and after marriage). Argh. They aren’t amoral, they’re immoral.

  43. 43
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    First there was Cathy McMorris Rodgers and the wacky rules of the college she attended.

    Holy shit. The “eye babies.” Takes the term “bedroom eyes” to a whole new place I’d rather it didn’t go.

  44. 44
    Ash Can says:

    @IowaOldLady: Tells you a lot about the religious leaders in question, doesn’t it?

  45. 45
    jl says:

    @Amir Khalid:
    @PurpleGirl:

    Thanks for pointing that out. Signs of not quite thinking things all the way through before they made this strange thing, whatever it is.

    Edit: probably will be very serious committee meetings on when quietly observing your room mate taking care of business becomes porn, or even worse, attendance at a live sex show, with homoerotic overtones. Criteria will be established. I hope it results in another clip we can watch at Balloon-Juice explaining it all.

  46. 46
    cmorenc says:

    The leading pioneer Mormon men like Brigham Young himself (for whom BYU is named) because they had enough wives to cavort with a different one each night (or in Brigham Young’s case, a different one each night of the month with several left over. It would have indeed been sinfully selfish of him to have whacked off on the side and not been able to get it up to perform his marital duties with at least one among his wives who were in a horny mood on any given night.

    SOLUTION: Alter the male:female ratio at BYU to more like 1-to 7; then the young lads will be so busy servicing one or another of the females at the school each night, they won’t have need or inclination to waste their seed indulging the sin of jacking off.

    SIDE NOTE: What’s especially precious about visiting Brigham Young’s home on a corner near Temple Square in Salt Lake City is that when you take the tour with a couple of young 20-ish Mormon women as your guide, and ask a question about why the house has so many bedrooms, dining rooms and parlors, how their answer dodges any acknowledgement of his many wives. “He had a lot of social engagements”.

  47. 47
    Roger Moore says:

    @IowaOldLady:

    Does it seem like organized religion spends about 90% of its time worrying about sex?

    I think it only seems that way. The 90% is only the percent of their energy they devote to pestering the general public in broad public announcements. They also devote lots of energy to small scale proselytizing and to hitting up their members for money.

  48. 48
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Anoniminous: Would it be wrong to suggest that “[n]obody in the Mormon Church has read a book on sexuality published after 1623″?

  49. 49
    boatboy_srq says:

    @Comrade Jake: There would have been room for both promises and demands, then.

  50. 50
    boatboy_srq says:

    @PurpleGirl: Spartan Ethic Redux. It’s all good and proper and Righteous as long as you don’t get caught. The SBC are masters of this, but I think LDS and AoG have them beat these days.

  51. 51
    jl says:

    @Roger Moore: I do think 90% of their time worrying is about sex. When you add up worrying about other people’s sex, and worry about getting caught for your own sex that is forbidden, both probably add up to around 90% of the grand total worry. The latter part is pretty big, but we only get a glimpse of that part of the worry-burden when some preacher man (or equivalent) gets caught.

  52. 52
    charmtrap says:

    “President Kim B. Clark reminds students at BYU-Idaho to reach out to roommates in need.”

    Kind of an unfortunate tag line.

  53. 53
    jl says:

    And I am not gay, but if I were, I think the stolid heroic handsome soldier who’s done seen things would be a type I would go for.

    Lots of backfire potential in this handy-dandy (sorry) helpful public announcement and very promising idea for a Monte Python skit.

  54. 54
    muricafukyea says:

    Stories like 2 wetsuits and a dildo, and any 1st year psych major will tell you, the people responsible for this project are themselves projecting.

  55. 55
    WaterGirl says:

    @Roger Moore: I thought I read recently that when all is said and done with the pipeline, it will only bring about 20 or 25 permanent jobs to the US. NOT WORTH IT.

  56. 56
    replicnt6 says:

    So, what I’m getting out of this video is that whacking off is as noble as being wounded in battle? Where do I pick up my purple heart … factory?

  57. 57
    WaterGirl says:

    I stopped watching the video at the point where it looked like the guy was waking up and had something weird on his face, below his eye. What was that about?

  58. 58
    tybee says:

    @WaterGirl:

    an aborted eye baby, i think.

  59. 59
    Violet says:

    @WaterGirl: He’s “injured on the battlefield” and his hunky, muscular, chisel-jawed roommate is in full battle gear, sees him, and goes to help him. It’s Mormon gay pr0n for sure.

  60. 60
    Ernest Pikeman says:

    The Lakota are saying Keystone XL will NOT go through their Treaty lands. To me this is the “no” that means NO. Anybody who tries to force it against their wishes will be dead to me, and I’m pretty fucking far from a Native American.

  61. 61
    Bill Arnold says:

    we could figure out a way to harness the energy created by putting a few thousand teenage and twenty-something kids in close proximity and forbidding them from having sex or even rubbing one out.

    The Shakers did this experiment. They were fairly inventive, so perhaps there is something to the idea.

  62. 62
    Runt says:

    Oh, those brave young men who daily fight the Battle of the Bulge in Their Pants. Never forget!

  63. 63
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @cmorenc:

    SOLUTION: Alter the male:female ratio at BYU to more like 1-to 7; then the young lads will be so busy servicing one or another of the females at the school each night, they won’t have need or inclination to waste their seed indulging the sin of jacking off.

    You clearly didn’t google “Mormons” + “floating” per Gindy51‘s suggestion, did you?

  64. 64
    celticdragonchick says:

    I was kind of wondering why US soldiers in WW II are carrying Chinese Communist SKS rifles from the Vietnam era.

  65. 65
    Trollhattan says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    ZOMG, that led me to “Provo snowshovel.”

  66. 66
    PurpleGirl says:

    @celticdragonchick: Cheap production values — no one checking continuity and props.

  67. 67
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Trollhattan:

    I … don’t think I want to know.

  68. 68
    raven says:

    @celticdragonchick: Easy to get.

  69. 69
    Roger Moore says:

    @boatboy_srq:

    Would it be wrong to suggest that “[n]obody in the Mormon Church has read a book on sexuality published after 1623″?

    Considering that the Book of Mormon was only written revealed and translated from the original gold tablets around 1830, a lot of Mormons would be very insulted.

  70. 70
    LanceThruster says:

    We have always been at war with Kolob.

  71. 71
    LanceThruster says:

    Can I just do it until I need a transfusion?

  72. 72
    LanceThruster says:

    For the AV techs, know that nothing gets you closer to Heavenly Father than a little video evidence (for the good of the casualty, of course).

  73. 73
    LanceThruster says:

    For the AV techs, know that nothing gets you closer to Heavenly Father than a little video evidence (for the good of the casualty, of course).

  74. 74
    LanceThruster says:

    Does this mean that “Orgasmo” was actually a documentary?

  75. 75
    LanceThruster says:

    Moral of the story – Be sure to marry early so you have an approved receptacle for these carnal urges.

  76. 76
    LanceThruster says:

    You know who else preferred war and having indoctrinated youth turning in others for the good of the tribe..?

  77. 77
  78. 78
    Roger Moore says:

    @WaterGirl:
    Just remember, jobs and money are not the same thing. The refinery owners are likely to do very well on the deal, especially if they don’t have to pay many employees to run their refineries.

  79. 79
    boatboy_srq says:

    RE: the video: outside the blatant stupidity of the guy watching pr0n on his desktop with his back to an open door, there’s the whole homoerotic vibe of the thing, coupled with the eerie sensation that we don’t know what he was watching besides what the “narrator” mansplains to us. In terms of behavior modification it seems to me that this is about as counterproductive as it gets. I can’t help but wonder whether this is paired as a double-feature with some similarly-boneheaded anti-contraception or anti-premarital-sex short.

  80. 80
    Bill in Section 147 says:

    @dr. bloor: Pickett’s discharge.

  81. 81
    Bill in Section 147 says:

    @Roger Moore: Once completed I understand the refining will move out of the US so we actually refine more of the oil without it complete.

  82. 82
    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason says:

    @Tommy:

    EPA study on our water.

    Every water supplier is required to mail these out annually. Since it came with your power bill, let me guess: LA Dept of Water and Power is your supplier? There aren’t too many others I can think of that combine the two.

  83. 83
    Mnemosyne says:

    Here’s the post about the creepy-ass book that I referenced earlier. A little preview:

    A week later Bob dropped out of the youth group. His sudden departure puzzled and saddened the earnest youth director. He went to Bob to ask him if there was anything Bob wanted to talk about. Bitter bile filled Bob’s mouth at the memory of the youth director’s wife slowly walking up the church steps with her tight skirt and high-heeled shoes, just like the woman on the TV. Lydia, with her sanctimonious smile, did not deceive him; how could she be so dumb as to not know exactly what she was doing to him?

  84. 84
    Mike Toreno says:

    You people are disgusting, scoffing and mocking the way you do while pornography ruins the lives of so many young men. Why don’t you try encouragement rather than mockery. The next time you see a few young men who are struggling with this problem, just tell them that if they all pull together, they can beat it!

  85. 85
    Mike G says:

    @Gindy51:

    If you think this video is weird, Google Mormon and floating.

    I’ve heard of that as ‘soaking’.

    The backflip-hairsplitting these people do to avoid violating silly rules must make them really warped. No wonder Rmoney acted like a robot.

  86. 86
    Paul in KY says:

    Just watched it. Holy crap is about all I can say.

    Also, thank God I’m not mormon.

  87. 87
    TerryC says:

    @scav: “Circle-Snitch of the Circle-Jerk?”

    On one of my Vietnam tours, I watched a dozen sailors schedule and carry off a faux naked circle jerk scheduled to time with security’s nightly walk through our sleeping quarters on my ship. Each of them was off the ship, in a helicopter, and on the way back to the US the very next day.

  88. 88
    dmbeaster says:

    @Ash Can: Its modern day Reefer Madness

  89. 89
    Chicagopat says:

    The parody videos are going to be breathtaking. I can’t wait.

  90. 90

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