Old Man Gets Splenetic, Hilarity (and sadness) Ensue

My sister and brother and Bill and everyone else left around 11:30- midnight, so I dutifully turned on the latest Psych episode On Demand (it’s all about Woody, so you know it is going to rock), and then promptly fell asleep about five minutes in.

Woke up to a continuous stream of horn honking and drunk people screaming while leaving the bar and heading to the local frat houses, so I clutched my walking stick, got out of my chair, hobbled slowly to the door, grabbed my big ass maglite next on the table with my power outage kit, opened the door, shined the light onto the front walk, and as I opened the door, before looking, bellowed “It’s 12:30, show some damned decency and shut up.”

And that is when my eyes focused and I saw that I had my flashlight beamed on some skinny black dude walking down the street by himself. quietly talking on the phone, minding his own business and not bothering anyone, and he stopped, looked at me, and calmly said “Yo, dude. You missed them. They’re down the street now.” I looked down the street, and sure enough, there was the crowd of revelers walking alongside an SUV, making a shitload of noise.

Don’t think I have ever felt dumber and sadder about my so-called existence than right now.






57 replies
  1. 1
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Some asshole set off fireworks at 6 AM here in Zurich on the rooftop next to my building. Maybe this kind of thing happens often here, because literally no one else besides me appeared to turn their lights on, run to the window, and figure out what the hell was going on. And the cops didn’t care either.

    If someone in NYC had pulled that kind of stunt, the cops would’ve been there in less than a minute. Different strokes for different folks. And with that, I’m off to get breakfast and check out this city a little.

  2. 2

    They caught you napping. And…?

  3. 3
    Suzanne says:

    I think my Spawn the Younger is Cole’s mental doppelgänger.

    Mr. Suzanne, who is an SLP, has been eagerly monitoring her utterances to see if/when she makes grammatically correct sentences. So far, the very first one that we heard her say is, “I want to shave my butt.”

    No lie.

  4. 4
    Little Boots says:

    I hope you are well, John.

    Don’t want to be a jerk.

  5. 5
    Little Boots says:

    actually, that’s pretty funny.

  6. 6
    max says:

    quietly talking on the phone, minding his own business and not bothering anyone, and he stopped, looked at me, and calmly said “Yo, dude. You missed them. They’re down the street now.” I looked down the street, and sure enough, there was the crowd of revelers walking alongside an SUV, making a shitload of noise.

    “Yo! Sorry for interrupting your call, dude!”

    Don’t think I have ever felt dumber and sadder about my so-called existence than right now.

    This is some kind of extended troll, isn’t it?

    @PsiFighter37: Some asshole set off fireworks at 6 AM here in Zurich on the rooftop next to my building. Maybe this kind of thing happens often here, because literally no one else besides me appeared to turn their lights on, run to the window, and figure out what the hell was going on. And the cops didn’t care either.

    Shit, man, around here we get serious fireworks displays on Halloween, Xmas Eve, Xmas, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, July 4th. That’s not including the amateur uh, displays, which pretty much start about June 25th and continue through about July 10th.

    It wouldn’t be so bad if the one dog (rescue, probably abused) wasn’t utterly terrified of the noise.

    max
    [‘And then there’s the motherfucker on the corner that got arrested last July 4th for drunk & disorderly. On his own property.’]

  7. 7
    Mary G says:

    Just say sorry and go back to sleep. You are not a racist, just a grumpy old man. So glad Steve is back safe and sound.

  8. 8
  9. 9
    PsiFighter37 says:

    @max:

    And then there’s the motherfucker on the corner that got arrested last July 4th for drunk & disorderly. On his own property.

    That’s…impressive? How drunk do you have to be for that to happen…

  10. 10
    Little Boots says:

    aangus, why are you perfect?

    you’ll upset john.

  11. 11
    Gex says:

    Feeling pretty sorry myself. My aspirational to-do list for this weekend is:
    1) Make my bed
    2) Pull myself together

    I literally looked down in my journal and those are the two things I feel I should really make a concerted effort at this weekend given how well I’m functioning. It’s funny and sad all at once.

    @max: One of the things I ended up enjoying from Pawlenty’s tenure as MN governor was loosening up the fireworks laws. I disagreed with him on that, but after the change so many of my neighbors put on decent enough fireworks shows on the 4th of July that Kate and I would just stay home and watch fireworks while floating in our pool.

    Of course the dog REALLY hated the proliferation of fireworks.

  12. 12
    Time Travelin says:

    Mr. Cole. You and I are so much alike. Well, aside from the rural / urban divide. Ride on sir, ride on.

  13. 13
    LT says:

    YOU are going to kill me (and probably others) one day. Just please settle down and let us all live for a while, for goodness’ sake!

    And don’t feel dumb and sad: you got a nice young man as a mirror for that little id-episode. Could have been WAY worse. That reflects on you, son – way to go.

  14. 14
    srv says:

    Argle bargle depends, brouhaha shutup!

    Pretty soon, you’ll enjoy watching McCain on Sundays.

    You better start taking care of yourself, we Death Panel members are not going to be merciful. Obama Orders.

  15. 15
    Little Boots says:

    ride on where? to morpheus?

  16. 16
  17. 17
    Origuy says:

    I get firecrackers for the next two weeks since several Asian businesses are just down the street. They used to go all night but tend to stop after awhile. Except for last night, which was the first night of Lunar New Year.

    I screwed up my knee, too, but not as bad as you. I twisted it three weeks ago doing Scottish dancing. Just a muscle strain, but it still hurts.

  18. 18
    LT says:

    @PsiFighter37: Chinese New Year. Have a little respect!

  19. 19
    Little Boots says:

    @aangus:

    damn, just damn.

  20. 20
  21. 21
  22. 22
    Mnemosyne says:

    So all of the musical fans know about the sing-along edition of Frozen that’s going to be in theaters for the next few weeks, right?

    Here’s a sample.

  23. 23
  24. 24
    Little Boots says:

    @aangus:

    damn, you are too much.

  25. 25
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Gex:

    Not to sound all Little Boots, but you should find a theater with the Frozen sing-along and go. There’s a whole thing in Julia Sweeney’s book and one-woman show, God Said Ha! about the time she started sobbing uncontrollably a few weeks after her brother died, so her friend took her to see The Bridges of Madison County, and she stopped crying as soon as everyone else in the theater started to.

    Hey, if nothing else, it’ll be a distraction. And you can eat popcorn.

  26. 26
    Little Boots says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    hey, I liven up the place.

  27. 27
  28. 28
    Little Boots says:

    ya know, this place needs more omnes.

  29. 29
    monkeyfister says:

    Get off my laaaawn!

  30. 30
    Little Boots says:

    @monkeyfister:

    can’t.

    obsessed.

  31. 31
    aangus says:

    @monkeyfister:

    : ))

    Hi. again.

  32. 32
    Anoniminous says:

    Because I am a stinker.

  33. 33
    Little Boots says:

    @aangus:

    fine, go to him, but,

    miley cyrus???

  34. 34
  35. 35
    ruemara says:

    I’d almost feel your pain, except I’m ridonkulously youthful and spry, so when I go out and play mad old bird, I get right people to yell at.
    Heard-correction-contacted the place I’m supposed to go in Eureka, since they did not respond to my email. I was told that they are not interested in doing Skype and they felt they had waited long enough (a whole month!) to fill the job, so the best they could do was move things up earlier. Which means even more inconvenience to my admittedly unworthy employers and myself. It took a lot of fretting and struggling to figure out what to do, then it dawned on me. Do I really want to go work for any agency department that will not avail themselves of standard tech to find the best talent, has no qualms about plain old scheduling a person without contacting that person and after making you wait 2 months, can’t give you even a few days so you can keep things smooth with your employer? Unless teleporting happens for me soon, I think this was a lovely bit of warning since this person would be my direct boss. I am grateful for her being so clear about the type of work environment I’d encounter. It’s not much but it certainly took a load off my mind.

  36. 36
    Little Boots says:

    @ruemara:

    I somehow love this word salad.

  37. 37
    max says:

    @PsiFighter37: That’s…impressive? How drunk do you have to be for that to happen…

    I dunno, but drunk enough that you’re willing to bicker and scream and threaten over the fact that your wife/girlfriend/sister made fun fun of you. Given that I could hear it from a good hundred yards away, D&D seems like the least they could do. The dude is just like that. He likes setting off fireworks at all hours, too. Maybe I should tell him about the wunnerful opportunities in the West Virginia panhandle.

    @Gex: Of course the dog REALLY hated the proliferation of fireworks.

    We have to put her in her straitjacket thundershirt, which reduces the shaking to a mild quiver, instead of the ‘I’m actually riding a lawnmower’ shake she usually has.

    max
    [‘I can’t wait to see what kind of spectacular accident Cole has planned for the Superbowl.’]

  38. 38
    aangus says:

    Do keep up the rest of the conversation folks, Caligula & I will be a seperate conversation.

    We do know each other from other places.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....laynext=11

  39. 39
    Little Boots says:

    @aangus:

    do we? you do have the best musical taste.

  40. 40
    max says:

    @aangus: Caligula & I will be a seperate conversation.

    Bitch bitch bitch.

    Danielle Dax – Tomorrow Never Knows

    max
    [‘Double classic.’]

  41. 41
    Little Boots says:

    meet you all upstairs

  42. 42
    Steeplejack says:

    @aangus:

    Jefferson Airplane, “It’s No Secret.”

  43. 43
    Mnemosyne says:

    @ruemara:

    Yeah, I think that was probably a pretty accurate preview of how the actual job would have gone, so you made the right decision. No point in jumping from the frying pan into the fire, and all that.

  44. 44
    Ruckus says:

    @ruemara:
    Better to make that decision now than have to suffer a crappy workplace. Sorry that it didn’t work out though.
    Are you still coming to LA soon? Meet up?

  45. 45
    ruemara says:

    @Ruckus: still a go. I think I found a couch surf, but I need to confirm it. The last lose end is the sleeping situation.

  46. 46
    NotMax says:

    12:30? On a weekend night?

    Shank of the evening.

    When you were much younger, you were the very soul of decorum, of course. (But I kid.)

    Bonus is you get to hobble around the lawn tomorrow and gather some free wild oats.

  47. 47
    Soonergrunt says:

    Well John, considering that you didn’t stand your ground against the unarmed African American kid and shoot him for being walking while black, I’d say you’re OK.

  48. 48
    Calming Influence says:

    ” …had my flashlight beamed on some skinny black dude walking down the street by himself. quietly talking on the phone, minding his own business and not bothering anyone,…”

    Well sure, that would be embarrassing, but I hope you at least had the presence of mind to yell “GET OFF MY LAWN!” at him.

  49. 49
    Robert Paehlke says:

    You have to be more alert and nimble to do grumpy old man right. I know about these things I am 72 and often not energetic enough to be convincingly grumpy.

  50. 50
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    OTOH you could take a moment to consider whether you did that kind of stuff when you were that age and then just let it go.

  51. 51
    PaulW says:

    At least the black guy had the decency to call you “dude.”

  52. 52
    PaulW says:

    seriously. Go get your knee fixed and get back out into the nightlife.

  53. 53
    moderateindy says:

    I wonder, If you had screamed at the actual perpetrators, what exactly did you think you were going to accomplish? Screaming at a bunch of drunk college kids would like result in a fine howdy do, and go f yourself old man as a response, and we’re talking best case scenario. Who knows what it could have escalated into. It really seems like a uselss case of old man wankery/ wasted outrage.
    You have to pick your battles, and let the rest roll off your back, or you’ll go through life like a Fox News viewer, constantly outraged all the way to eleven. This coming from a guy who routinely, and loudly, shames people for transgressions like hitting the express aisle with too many items, and once got out of the car at a stoplight and picked up a cigarette butt someone had chucked out of their car and threw it back in. The difference being, that might actually deter people from doing it in the future (OK not the smoker, but I was much less mellow back then). Screaming at drunk kids at 12:30 on a weekend, will accomplish nothing positive at the present, or in the future. You live in a college town, that comes with both plusses and minuses, if you want one, you have to put up with the other. Plus, what kind of wussy college kids leave the bars at 12:30 on a weekend?

  54. 54
    Ken says:

    Don’t think I have ever felt dumber and sadder about my so-called existence than right now.

    One thing I have learned, life will always give you a second chance.

    Often it’s a second chance to make an even bigger fool of yourself, so be careful.

  55. 55
    phoebes-in-santa fe says:

    What happened to Steve?????????

  56. 56
    imonlylurking says:

    @Gex: My roommate has decreed a Superbowl party for people who don’t care about football. You are welcome to join us if you want-we’re near Lake and Bloomington so not too far from downtown Mpls.

  57. 57
    Gex says:

    @imonlylurking: I am so thrilled to receive this invitation! I would love to take you up on it if I didn’t already have plans. Darn it.

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