My Day So Far

Because I was up way late, I over slept and did not let the girls out until 9 am, and in doing so, stepped in a pile of Rosie shit. I suppressed the gag reflex (you know how the saliva spigots turn on underneath your tongue when you are car sick and your mind becomes a kaleidoscope of nausea, horror, and disgust) and hopped to the tub to wash the foot off and then let the girls out.

I then wasted two hours trying to arrange to get my car out of the field.

I then went to get groceries, and I think Steve got out while I was bringing bags in, because he is nowhere to be found.

As such, I dutifully panicked, tore the house apart looking for him, and then went outside and walked the neighborhood looking for him. No luck. I was in such a froth looking for him that I slipped on ice and managed to hyper-extend my right knee. I don’t think there is any real damage, just some loose ligaments, but it feels a little wobbly from side to side and I have a bag of frozen peas on it and am waiting for one of the frat boys to bring down a knee brace. I’d go to a doctor, but I have had multiple knee injuries like this and even if it is something serious, they can’t do much but immobilize it in the short term and ice the hell out of it, so I’ll do that and see how it is tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t need to be fucking scoped. Again.

The frat boys are mobilizing with flashlights for a cat hunt, so if you are in my area and see a bunch of large football players wearing greek letters walking around the neighborhood ye3lling “Steve” and shaking bags of treats, it’s all good.

*** Update ***

He’s home. I left the back gate of the fence open and Walt and I were about to mobilize another cat hunt, looked out the sliding door, and there he was. He came in and rubbed all over the entire house and chirped everywhere, triumphantly announcing his return from the kitty crusades, jumped up on the table and had his dinner, and is now walking around the house chirping again.

I seriously can not describe how instantly I was transplanted to a dark place the moment he did not show up for dinner. All I could think was “I can’t fucking go through this again.”

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181 replies
  1. 1
    ShadeTail says:

    You’d better give us an update when he is found. :(

  2. 2
    Howard Beale IV says:

    Colonel Meow died last night-maybe Steve is on his way to Seattle to pay his respects?

  3. 3

    Come home, Steve. Now. :(

  4. 4
    Mark S. says:

    Dear god, we need to put you in a bubble so you can’t hurt yourself anymore.

  5. 5
    max says:

    I then went to get groceries, and I think Steve got out while I was bringing bags in, because he is nowhere to be found.

    Goddammit. Yeah, that’s usually when it happens.

    Well, if he likes you he’ll come back. (Sending out the kids with the flashlights is probably a bad plan – Steve won’t recognize them, so they’ll push him further away from the house.)

    When Cicero got out, I looked for him, but basically he was out long enough that people moving around had chased aways a bit, so I had to wait for him to skulk back. If he tries to come back tonight, he’ll skulk back well after dark.

    max
    [‘They are nocturnal predators. So that’s when they’re most likely to be active.’]

  6. 6
    paradox says:

    Good luck, John.

  7. 7
    gogol's wife says:

    Praying for Steve to come home soon.

  8. 8
    danielx says:

    Boo hiss……and knocking on wood for his imperial majesty’s quick return.

    In the meantime, for distraction and because commies, please note Communists with Cats, courtesy of the fine folks at Lawyers, Guns and Money.

  9. 9
    Zam says:

    You know who else had a band of young followers to do his bidding?

  10. 10
    Zam says:

    You know who else had a band of young followers to do his bidding?

  11. 11
    muricafukyea says:

    Jesus titty fuking christ. Here I thought at least wr0ng way Cole had his sheit together enough to take care of his own affairs. The car is still in the fuking field???? Jesus fuk! What an awesome pet owner he must be too if they aren’t even housebroken.

  12. 12
    srv says:

    Maybe he’s looking for the car

  13. 13
    MomSense says:

    Steve come home!!!

  14. 14

    If it is cold enough he’ll come home eventually. My outdoor cat Cadbury refused all efforts to bring her indoors. I even set up blanket lined beds for her at the front door so she would have somewhere warm to sleep during the winter. I brought her indoors during the recent record lows and she hasn’t even thought about going back outside since. I can’t blame her of course, right now there is two foot of frozen snow outside. Who the hell wants to go out in that?

  15. 15
    Laertes says:

    Wait, what? The car is still in the field? Wasn’t that weeks ago?

  16. 16
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    I think (hope) he is in a closet or somewhere up reachable.

    When I went to Israel in 1908, my friends took care of Hamish and Heather (littermate cats). Heather always showed up for meals, etc., but Hamish (totally black and a genius at making himself invisible) never showed himself for the full three weeks I was gone. The minute I came home, there he was.

  17. 17
    Mnemosyne says:

    Personally, I’m hoping for a sheepish Turns out Steve was curled up in a tiny corner of his room the whole time post later on tonight.

  18. 18
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @srv:

    Maybe he’s looking for the car mustard.

    FTFY

  19. 19
    Mnemosyne says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Our cat Annie’s talent is How Not to Be Seen. If she doesn’t want you to find her, you won’t. The first few times we had cat sitters, they got worried because they never, ever saw her, but as soon as we got home, she would be sitting in the middle of the living room like, Hey, guys, where ya been?

    They were super-excited a couple of years ago when the same sitter came the whole week and finally spotted her because Annie got curious enough to spy on her. I suspect they thought were just kidding when we said we had a third cat.

  20. 20
    YellowJournalism says:

    @Mnemosyne: Headline: “Still Love This Goddamn Cat”

  21. 21
    qwerty42 says:

    Just a day in the life …
    Seriously John, hope Steve is back soon and you are quickly on the mend.

  22. 22
    I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet says:

    @Mnemosyne: Ditto.

    But if he did get out, I would assume he’d want back in in the morning.

    Fingers crossed for you JC.

    Cheers,
    Scott.

  23. 23
    WaterGirl says:

    @muricafukyea: I don’t think I’ve said anything like this in decades, but you are a piece of shit for writing that.

  24. 24
    YellowJournalism says:

    Those frat boys are earning themselves another hearty dinner. I’d bake them cookies if I didn’t think they’d grow stale in the packaging.

  25. 25

    Steve was too smart to hang around someplace Rosie might crap again at any moment. But in my experience (cat was let out by best man’s GF, day of wedding, is the high point in my Indoor Cats Gone Wild history) pursuit is not typically a good idea.

  26. 26

    Frat boys out hunting pussy with treats and flash;ights. Sounds like your typical college town hijinks. Although I don’t get the flashlights. Does the light freeze them in their tracks making for an easier capute?

  27. 27
    Elizabelle says:

    I think Steve will be back soon. He’s on an adventure.

    He’s got a warm coat and excess digits. He’ll be good. Maybe a little cold on the shaved ass.

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Good point about triple checking the closets, although Steve is not the shy or retiring type. (Had a friend’s shy cat go missing and the closet turned out the be the hideaway.)

  28. 28
    Elizabelle says:

    @WaterGirl:

    I think he’s just ribbing John, maybe to cheer him up. This character has said worse.

  29. 29
    jl says:

    Good luck finding Steve, or maybe (I hope) he is napping in some obscure corner of the house.

    Hope the knee gets better.

  30. 30
    Betty Cracker says:

    Damn, I hope that cat shows up soon! And you best tell us when he does!

    I misplaced a dog last week, searched all through the house and yard, drove around the neighborhood rattling a leash (the sound that brings them running to go for a walk — even if the dummies are already outside!) and yelling PATSY MARIE! PATSY MARIE! like a lunatic.

    When I came home dogless, I discovered she was in the backyard, where she’d apparently been all along. We theorize the chicken shit she hoovers up is a gateway drug and that she’d crawled under the shed for something more exotic like possum poop…

  31. 31
    the Conster says:

    Cats are too smart to get lost – they know where their food is and who loves them where their staff lives. He’ll reappear on his own like nothing happened – he’s probably watching all this going on with great amusement. I’ve been there done that so many times, and it just never fails to amaze me how they pull it off with such cool.

  32. 32
    sm*t cl*de says:

    @Zam:
    You know who else had a band of young followers to do his bidding?

    IIRC they were called “Disciples”.

  33. 33
    LanceThruster says:

    Happy hunting.

    I have my own Steve-clone handed down to me and the first time she made a run for it, she stayed lost till the nighttime temp dropped and finally showed up on the steps. She tried the same maneuver the other night but I dropped my groceries and grabbed her tail to pull her back across the threshold (I was surprised that she had the attitude of “no harm no foul” with a look of “Well, you know I at least gotta try” even though touching her in ways that pisses her off will usually get you hurt)

    Steve’s smart enough to know where home base is and his dudez is that all belong to him.

  34. 34
    WaterGirl says:

    During the house construction/repairs period last fall, I was in a state of panic because Mr. Bear had completely disappeared the day the painters were here. Total panic.

    We looked everywhere, and it went on for nearly an hour before the painter found mr. bear inside the heating duct. They had taken the grill off to paint and if you looked far enough back into the heating duct, you could see the eyes looking out at you. (kitty is black)

    Cole, here’s hoping it’s not too long before you find Steve safe & sound.

  35. 35
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    When I went to Israel in 1908

    1908?

  36. 36
    LanceThruster says:

    @PhoenixRising:

    Yeah, the “I only came back because I wanted to” mindset is very strong in the species.

  37. 37
    khead says:

    Hoping Steve has the good cat sense to realize how good he has it in the Cole house.

  38. 38
    rikyrah says:

    Karma remains undefeated:

    Rep. Grimm might have more trouble to worry about. It seems the reporter he threatened the other day, Michael Scotto, is the nephew of a former Gambino boss:

    http://talkingpointsmemo.com/e.....-for-grimm

  39. 39
    raven says:

    The summer of 72 we were in Carbondale for an intense party weekend. Ralph the dog was a pup and somewhere in the revelry he was missing. About 50 lit hippies searched high and low for the pup with no luck. After many hours he was found curled up behind the toilet where it was cool. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for Esteban.

  40. 40
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Yeah, it’s funny, I sit for a couple of cats occasionally, and they LOVE me — seriously, I walk in the front door, yell “Kittehs!!” and the one cat literally flings himself into my arms. They are both pretty sociable, but Wellington in particular is friendly almost to the point of weirdness, even if he hasn’t seen me in months.

    All the cats that have owned me have been super-affectionate with me, but not so much with strangers or sitters. It may have something to do with the fact that they were mostly rescues (although I adopted Heather and Hamish as tiny kittens, so it’s not like they had been abused in a previous life).

    ::shrug:: Dunno. Different personalities.

  41. 41
    WaterGirl says:

    @Elizabelle: I don’t think I’ve read his comments after the first 3 or so times he posted, so I had no way of knowing.

    I just read it today because I thought surely he wouldn’t do his same old schtick when John is in a panic about losing Steve.

    Edit: You mean I said something horrible when I haven’t done that in decades, and I blew that on someone who was not serious???

  42. 42
    Ed Marshall says:

    Cat’s don’t go very far. If he is out he is under your neighbors porch or something unless someone nabbed him. He will come back.

  43. 43
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @rikyrah:

    Protip: Don’t mess with anyone whose last name ends in a vowel.

  44. 44
    pseudonymous in nc says:

    Ah, fuck. Get back to where it’s warm, Steve.

  45. 45
    WaterGirl says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: I grew up saying that, too! One of my classmates was the son of a mob guy. I grew up in Berwyn, do I recall correctly that you grew up somewhere close by?

  46. 46
    donnah says:

    Reading that Steve went missing made my stomach hurt. I hope he’s tucked himself somewhere in the house, but if he did make a break for the outside, then I hope he comes home soon.

    No kidding around.

  47. 47
    jl says:

    I wrote up an anecdote about the uproar that ensued when I tried to harness and leash up my folks cat and take a few feet outside into the backyard patio to enjoy a warm sunny day.

    I thought the cat would like it, but it resulted in instant majorly freaked out catapocalypse as soon as it realized I was trying to take it out of the house. That cat is terrified of going outside.

    But, WP ate up the comment, looks like.

    Edit: it didn’t mind the harness and leash very much, but as soon as it realized i wanted to take it onto the patio steps, the cat went completely haywire.

  48. 48
    LanceThruster says:

    Plus my elderly cat urped on my bedclothes the other day, but I won’t be able to clean it up until tonight (threw a towel over it).

    Fun times.

  49. 49
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Elizabelle:

    Yeah, I don’t know how they do it, but if they really want to remain hidden, they can not only do the Best EVAH Camouflage, they can also make it so their eyes don’t reflect when you shine a flashlight in the closet corners.

    How.Do.Dey.Do.Dat??

  50. 50
    JPL says:

    Hopefully you find Steve soon. He’s just looking for another sucker to feed him and house him. Once he realizes they don’t have the climbing tower, he’ll be back. At least I hope so. Please take care and I’m really sorry.

  51. 51
    LanceThruster says:

    @jl:

    I plan to try a harness with “Big Fa,t” the tiger-striped beast, to see if she’d tolerate it in order to be able to hang with me in an unfamiliar environment. I want to increase the quality time I have with her but only have a couple of windows each day.

  52. 52
    Elizabelle says:

    @WaterGirl:

    Ah, you’re just fine.

    Weird tip: put the cat litter box outside near an entrance. It will (allegedly) help guide the cat home to its own smells.

    Maybe that tip was penned by a sadist (look at that fool with a cat box in the yard! ha ha.), but it makes sense to me.

  53. 53
    JPL says:

    @donnah: That was my feeling. Just sh.t….

  54. 54
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @BillinGlendaleCA:

    1908?

    Oops, hahaha!

    1980

  55. 55

    @LanceThruster: Cat barf is like glue when it comes to getting it off bedding. I have no idea why. I have been known to put my comforter through a “stain wash”2+ hours and there are still bits of cat kibble on it when it comes out.

  56. 56
    cckids says:

    @muricafukyea: You need to f*ck right off, then DIAF.

    Please & thank you. Asshole.

  57. 57
    jl says:

    @LanceThruster: When I visit I am the default cat catcher for cat related activities the cat does not like, since I am relatively spry compared to my folks.

    That d___d cat forgave me for catching it to take medicine it hates, and to put it into the cat carrier to go to nasty icky places like the vets.

    But it has not really forgiven me for trying to lead it a couple of damn feet into the patio. My cat catching cred has fallen off around my folks house. The cat will still deal with me, and even wants to come up and be affectionate from time to time, but only on its terms, thank you very much.

    As I said in the lost comment, I think the cat would have been less upset if tired to throw it into a fire. Cats are strange.

    I hope your cat takes to harness the way my folks cat does. Makes a lot of things easier.

    Edit: check to make sure he harness is snug, so the cat cannot wriggle out of it, if it gets scared, or decides it is tired of patronizing you.

  58. 58
    Violet says:

    Oh no. Poor Steve. I bope he.comes home soon.

  59. 59
    Ash Can says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    When I went to Israel in 1908

    Wait, you saw the Cubs win the World Series?!! I haz a envious…

  60. 60
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @WaterGirl:

    Yes, I was born and spent the first 19 years of my life in Oak Park, right next to Berwyn.

    I had a classmate at Oak Park-River Forest High School whose father (Tony “The Tuna” Accardo) was one of the biggest mob bosses in the western suburbs. His daughter, Marie, was voted “most beautiful” in our yearbook mock elections. (She actually was pretty, but not sure she would have received the title had she been Mary Smith or Jones.)

  61. 61
    cckids says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Personally, I’m hoping for a sheepish Turns out Steve was curled up in a tiny corner of his room the whole time post later on tonight.

    My tortie, Hermione, is aces at this. She has good natural camouflage, and seems to enjoy finding a new spot she blends in with, then just watching us search for her. Remains perfectly still, so as to not give the game away. Its kind of unnerving.

  62. 62
    Mnemosyne says:

    Oh, NewsMax:

    The 2 Warning Signs of Sudden Cardiac Death

    Let me guess, one of them is … that you’re dead? Not sure what the other “warning sign” of being dead would be.

  63. 63
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Betty Cracker: Good to see you! How’s your mom? How are you?

  64. 64

    Man, sorry to hear about yr day, John.

  65. 65
    BethanyAnne says:

    Odds are really high he’s within 50 feet of the house. Not all, but most cats that disappear hide close.

  66. 66
    IowaOldLady says:

    I hope Steve is home soon. Maybe he’s just out catting around.

  67. 67
    tulip says:

    I hope Steve comes home soon!! When my Loki went missing I went down to the local shelter and they recommended putting something out front that he has sat on/slept on. Maybe a box or blanket, something that has his smell on it. It will help draw him back home.

    Fingers crossed for a safe and speedy return.

  68. 68
    Mnemosyne says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Have you seen the cool Oak Park/River Forest posters that illustrator Chris Ware did? G is a little mad at me that I paid over $300 to have them framed when the posters only cost $25 each, but they look terrific.

  69. 69
    Mj_Oregon says:

    Oh, no, no, no! Oh, John, I know how much this is hurting you. I’m so very sorry! If he doesn’t turn up before you go to bed, put a kitty bed of some sort outside near the door with blankets/towels/pillowcases that smell of you AND him and the house interior. It’s the best way to get kitties to find their way home again.

    I have my internal prayer-to-all-deities machine going now for Steve’s triumphal return soon. And some white light and healing thoughts are being directed to your knee. Take care of yourself!!

  70. 70
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Ash Can:

    It’s not easy being old….

  71. 71
    Ash Can says:

    As for Steve, I too am rooting hard for sleeping-in-a-hidden-place-indoors, and I’m rooting for sauntering-home-in-the-next-few-minutes if hidden-place turns out not to be the case.

  72. 72
  73. 73
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    I don’t know what the hell happened to your “posters” comment, but I had not seen those and will order a set posthaste. Beautiful!!

    (What do you suppose happened to your comment??)

  74. 74
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @Litlebritdiftrnt: My Cocker barfed on the couch yesterday, I wiped it up. Got back from Costco and wondered that that stench was. Checked the dogs for poop on paws/butt and didn’t find anything. Finally figured out that it was the barf. Cleaned with soap and water and then used fabreeze. It’s tolerable now.

  75. 75
    Helena Montana says:

    I hope Steve turns up OK. Have you checked in and on top of all cabinets, closets, dresser drawers–anything he could have stashed himself in when you weren’t looking? Also basement, if any, behind furnace? Are there any crawlspaces in your house?

  76. 76
    WaterGirl says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: the son of the mob guy in our school was smart and fun and cute. can’t recall his name, though! kitty in lap no caps

  77. 77
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Elizabelle:

    Weird tip: put the cat litter box outside near an entrance. It will (allegedly) help guide the cat home to its own smells.

    Not that weird. You’d be surprised how many “lost” cats turn up to use their litterbox — what behaviorists call “strong toileting habits” are part of the cat genome and also what makes it possible to litter-train them. They really really want to go in the same place, even when that means racing indoors & racing out again afterwards, or going back to ‘mark’ that spot on the carpet no matter how often you scrub it with special cleaners.

    Cole, if you don’t wanna move Steve’s litter box, take one of those Omaha Steak styrofoam coolers, cut down one side, put your stinkiest sweatshirt or catblanket in it, and leave it in a nice private dark place in your yard not too far from the back door. Steve probably won’t come running up to your frat guys (although I’m sure he appreciates the entertainment) but if he’s got any hesitation about just showing up at the door next time you let Lily & Rosie out, he’ll sneak up to the house after dark and check to see if he’s been missed.

  78. 78
    Mnemosyne says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Also, G went to school with the daughter of one of the Spilotro brothers, who were found in a shallow grave in a cornfield. In the Scorsese movie, they’re called the Santoros (with Joe Pesci playing one of them) but they’re based on the Spilotros.

  79. 79
    Pogonip says:

    Sorry to hear you stepped in a pile of Muricafukyeah. Hope Steve gets hungry and comes home soon.

    I have never heard a cat snore. Is that a Maine Coon thing?

  80. 80
    Mnemosyne says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    I tried to name the Scorsese movie with the characters based on the Spilotro brothers, but the title of the movie is Forbidden By FYWP.

  81. 81
    WaterGirl says:

    Someone suggests moving the litter box outside so Steve’s smell will guide him home. Good idea, I’m thinking. Put your sweatshirt or something stinky that smells of you outside. Good idea, I’m thinking. Put blankets and other stuff that smells of Steve outside. Good idea!

    Then I think, hmmm, what if Steve comes back and thinks you’ve kicked him out because all his stuff is outside on the porch?

    On the other hand, if Steve doesn’t know Cole adores him, he’s not the smart kitty I think he is.

  82. 82
    NotMax says:

    Like sands through the hourglass, these are the Days of Our Cole.

  83. 83

    Thanks to the snow storm I ran out of canned cat food and canned dog food. Just opened a large can of sardines in tomato sauce for the cats and sliced my thumb wide open. Bleeding like a stuck pig right now. Opened a can of beef stew for the dogs. Everyone appears to be happy. I just love having a huge stockpile of canned food in the house. I know it makes me seem like a doomsday prepper but damn it comes in handy when something like this happens.

  84. 84
    PIGL says:

    I am sorry to hear you injured yourself again. Here’s unsolicited advice. Take up some physical discipline …. alll things considered, I’d suggest Yang style Tai Chi Chuan; there’s very likely to be a decent teacher within reach, but any internal martial art would be suitable (but stay away from the Taoist Tai Chi people). If you learn a few solo forms and practice them, you will find within a year or so that you stop tripping and stumbling and falling out of windows onto the spikes below….and these skills will last you into your oldest old age.

  85. 85
    greenergood says:

    @Pogonip: My cat snores – he’s a big, 14-yr-old tabby, and competes with my human partner for snoring competition, but cat doesn’t have the big Steve-paws. Hope Steve gets home soon, unless he’s lurking in the uppermost chamber of the cat tower … Cole, have you had a look?

  86. 86
    Gex says:

    Skipped all the comments (sorry folks) looking for anything from John that might be a happy announcement of Steve’s return.

    Steve come home. I worry when cats get out.

  87. 87
    Roger Moore says:

    @Anne Laurie:

    what behaviorists call “strong toileting habits” are part of the cat genome and also what makes it possible to litter-train them.

    I would go for something stronger than “possible”; effortless is closer to the truth. The only litter training most cats need is to be shown the litter box.

  88. 88
    Howard Beale IV says:

    @Pogonip: My Persian snores. Whether it’s because of its drop-kicked face or not, have no idea.

  89. 89
    Betty Cracker says:

    @Anne Laurie: My mom seems better; big surgery on the horizon, but we’re hopeful. She’s a nurse, so of course she’s a terrible patient. Thanks for asking!

  90. 90

    Our local courthouse is now closed for the third straight day. This has never happened before, even during hurricanes. This winter storm has kicked our arse. It really has. The problem was freezing rain prior to a snow storm, we now have two feet of snow on top of a layer of ice. The roads will not clear up until the temps hit the 60s this weekend. This has definitely been the worst winter storm since I have lived here.

  91. 91
    scav says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: and @Mnemosyne: So it’s entirely possible my grandfather did take to a mobsters to swim sometime during the ’70s out around Brookfield? I was a poor Californian, I never knew how much to believe everything he said. Apparently all the roads were paved by mayors’ nephews which was why they always had potholes. Or something like that.

  92. 92
    raven says:

    @Betty Cracker: Are you still with her?

  93. 93
    Felonius Monk says:

    Perhaps Steve found Tunch’s “mustard” stash and is enjoying him some good sardines in mustard sauce, or he didn’t go out at all and is snoring away in some quiet little spot in the house that you don’t even know about.

    Nonetheless, we pray for his safe return. Let the FSM be kind to Steve and you too, Cole.

  94. 94
    raven says:

    @scav: Trunks of cars at O’Hare were very popular.

  95. 95
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Betty Cracker: You & your mom will be in my prayers. Take care of yourself!

  96. 96
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Anne Laurie:
    @Betty Cracker:

    Ditto this! Have been thinking of you, your mom, and your FIL ever since you posted about them last … Saturday? Hope everything goes well for them. You are a good daughter.

  97. 97
    Keith G says:

    Echoing others that is seems counter productive to have strangers noisily looking for Steve. Cats are not dogs, who tend to want to check out a commotion. Cats survive by stealth and retreat.

    After he gets back, whistle train Steve. We used to blow a silly slide whistle when we fed our guys who were at the time indoor/outdoor. It didn’t take long at all for a tute of the whistle to summon galloping kitties from a house or so away.

  98. 98
    Birthmarker says:

    John updated- he’s home!

  99. 99
    Elizabelle says:

    @Howard Beale IV:

    Condolences on Colonel Meow. Great name for a cat.

  100. 100
    khead says:

    W00T!

  101. 101
    tulip says:

    Yeah!

    Hope your knee feels better!

  102. 102
    scav says:

    @raven: Well, we didn’t swim there, let alone in such, but I’ll take that as a yes, even for Brookfield. Cicero, even dim Californians knew that.

  103. 103
    raven says:

    @scav: Cicero, Melroze, Franklin Park, Nortlake. . .

  104. 104
    Elizabelle says:

    Most glad that Steve sidled into your life. Again.

    OT: cool and going on right now:

    a Boeing freighter jet outfitted in Seahawks colors is flying a huge 12 pattern, this very moment. Two test pilots for a 4’50” flight.

    You can follow it with Flightracker.

    The flight is a publicity move by Boeing, which is a sponsor of the Seattle Seahawks football team. The Seahawks are set to play the Denver Broncos in next Sunday’s Super Bowl XLVIII.
    The 747-8 is owned by Boeing and is being used for flight testing. The number 12 is a salute to the team’s fans, collectively known as being the Seahawks “12th man.”

    http://www.latimes.com/busines.....z2rvxfUOYr

  105. 105
    Gex says:

    Your posts here and on Facebook seemed so calm I was wondering what was wrong with me that I was so worried over your cat. But I should have known better. You love your piglets, of course you were worried. Glad everyone’s home safe and sound.

  106. 106
    beltane says:

    It was a little warmer out today and my male cat felt comfortable enough to go into the woods and do whatever he does back there. I think the indoor/outdoor cats have been experiencing a little cabin fever on account of the bitterly cold weather.

  107. 107
    ellie says:

    Thank God Steve is back home!

  108. 108
    jl says:

    Great News! The Steve-a-nator DOMINATES the outdoors.

    But, can Cole devise a cat egress control system of some kind?

  109. 109
  110. 110
    Elizabelle says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    Best to you and your mom.

    PS: Just finished Cheryl Strayed (aka Starved)’s Wild. Loved the book. Thank you for recommending it.

  111. 111
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Birthmarker:

    Phew! I’m guessing the chilly weather made Steve decide Fuck this and head home.

  112. 112
    WaterGirl says:

    The words “so glad he is home” don’t even begin to convey what I’m feeling. Big sigh of relief!!!

  113. 113
    JPL says:

    Hallelujah!

  114. 114
    WaterGirl says:

    @raven: Cole added an update to his post at the top. Big thanks to birthmarker – I would never have thought to look there.

  115. 115
    Anne Laurie says:

    JUBILATION!

    ‘Course, now Steve knows how to chafe your cat-shaving arse, so he will pull this stunt again. Maine Coons be PIRATES, it is their code!

  116. 116
    Elmo says:

    It is NOT RIGHT how much I worry about people and animals that are complete strangers to me.

  117. 117
    TrishB says:

    Please tell me Steve is microchipped. I keep waiting for the day that I have a mobile app telling me where my chipped pup/s is/are. We’ve never need the vet/pound to look for a chip, but since I live in smalltown SW OH, I keep waiting to get shot while swinging a flash light around the neighbors’ foundations and yelling “cookie,” at 3 am. Yes, the dogs are chipped. Yes the yard is fenced. Yes we’ve fixed the fence (x5). Yes the dogs are trained. Sometimes shit still happens.

    My best fence escaper passed this last Thanksgiving. Three years prior, she was the one who kept finding the “outs” in/around/under the fence. Of course, she did this while blinder than a bat, as a 15 pound 8-toothed diabetic mini schnauzer with Cushing’s. The first couple of times, I was terrified and figured some bird of prey had carried her off. I mean how else does a dog that size escape a split rail chain link fence? Then I learned to check the front door/stoop or the side by the garage. Yeah, she just wanted to see where her nose would lead, which happened to show us that any 2 inch gap with bent fencing was enough for her to find interesting. My boy, on the other hand, usually came back soaking wet after sneaking over our fence, and under Colonel Hummers pool fence.

    WOW! Happy edit- Thrilled to see that Steve is back. Happy times.

  118. 118
    WaterGirl says:

    @Elmo: We’re not strangers on BJ.

    Edit: but I know what you mean. I was kind of holding my breath after hearing Steve was missing.

  119. 119
    raven says:

    @WaterGirl: Yea, because when people are really worried and reading a 100+ comment thread the look to the fucking top for breaking information. jesus

  120. 120
    WaterGirl says:

    @TrishB: Maybe you could intersperse “puppy puppy puppy” with “cookie” as a safety measure!

  121. 121
    marianne19 says:

    OMG. Been refreshing every couple minutes because I was so worried about your cat. We can all breathe again.

  122. 122
    grishaxxx says:

    Bless his chirping little heart. Fking glad he’s back, too.

  123. 123

    I am so glad that Steve is back! Nawty kitteh! Time for a kitteh group hug

  124. 124
    Mnemosyne says:

    @TrishB:

    I kind of resent that the new chip companies require you to pay a “maintenance” fee every year to keep your information updated. I have to subscribe to my cats?!

  125. 125
    jl says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    ” I’m guessing the chilly weather made Steve decide Fuck this and head home. ”

    Or maybe the fraternity search party scared him back inside. If Cole sees evidence over the next few days that the holy shit is scared out of the cat, probably that is what happened.

  126. 126
    WereBear says:

    @BillinGlendaleCA: Dilute vinegar is your friend. Let it dry, then dust with baking soda.

  127. 127
    WaterGirl says:

    @Mnemosyne: My vet told me I don’t actually have to pay that, and the kitty is still chipped and they will still have my information.

  128. 128
    Another Holocene Human says:

    OT: for that person who asked earlier about their friend with the book with the Worcester, MA connection–Boston magazine is still around. bostonmagazine.com, you could certainly try pitching something to them.

  129. 129
    raven says:

    @jl: Or maybe he’s a cat.

  130. 130
    Roger Moore says:

    @jl:

    But, can Cole devise a cat egress control system of some kind?

    No. SATSQ.

  131. 131
    TrishB says:

    @Mnemosyne: I don’t believe you HAVE to pay an annual fee, but a lot of the accompanying literature sure made it sound so. My mom had a pup chipped back in 9/13 and I remember her concern over the same thing, but when I did more digging, it wasn’t quite so. You got more so-called services for that fee, but no matter what, a vet or pound could always get a read with the right scanner. I hope they haven’t changed this, but off to research more. Think I had HomeAgain from 10+ years ago, and my mom’s pup had a different one.

  132. 132
    WereBear says:

    To convince cats (usually rescued strays) that the outside is not their friend, I do a psychodrama I call The Water Monster:

    Dear Pammy, How do I get my cat to stay inside?

  133. 133
    AliceBlue says:

    Steve’s home! {{Exhale}}.

  134. 134
    jl says:

    @raven:

    ” Or maybe he’s a cat. ”

    Cole’s pics suddenly got dark and fuzzy again, so there is limited evidence. But OK, say it was because of Steve’s supposed cat-ness, it is good news.

    @Roger Moore:
    thanks.

  135. 135
    Culture of Truth says:

    At least he’s back.

    Sounds pretty pleased with himself, too.

  136. 136
    Mnemosyne says:

    @WaterGirl:
    @TrishB:

    Oh, all three are chipped, in large part because Keaton refuses to wear a collar or let the other two cats wear a collar. But the “maintenance fee” really annoyed me and I never bothered to pay it.

    (Seriously, Keaton not only figured out how to remove his own collar — which was of course a breakaway one as required for kitty safety — he removed Annie’s and Charlotte’s collars when we tried to have them wear one. He hates collars that much. And is also way too smart for anyone’s good.)

  137. 137
    Scamp Dog says:

    I’ve had Biscuit go missing on walks. At the old place, there were some empty fields, so I’d let her off leash, and if I wasn’t paying attention, could lose track of her. I had to give up looking a few times, but the next morning I’d step outside and she’d come running up to me. I wish I’d had a GPS on her somehow, to find out where she went.

    Big relief that he came back! I’m happy for John and Steve.

  138. 138
    jl says:

    @Culture of Truth:

    ” Sounds pretty pleased with himself, too. ”

    Wonderful. Maybe Steve has started gaslighting Cole, for LULZ, like his distinguished predecessor.

  139. 139
  140. 140
    WereBear says:

    @Mnemosyne: All my cats were like that. I gave up and chip everybody now.

  141. 141
    Joy in FL says:

    I’m so relieved for you, John Cole.

  142. 142
    Origuy says:

    Glad Steve is back. My housemates’ cat Gizmo is a completely indoor cat but occasionally she wanders through an open door. She tends to stand there with a look of WTF until someone chases her back in. She got into the cubbyhole beside the washer once and we looked for her for an hour.

    Hope Rep. Grimm doesn’t have any horses or pets that he’s fond of.

  143. 143
    Mj_Oregon says:

    I had to interrupt doling out the evening meal to my Punkin kitteh and all the outdoor living rescues I feed so I could check for an update about Steve. I’m so glad he’s home!!! And I know how you felt, John. I just went through it again last week with the loss of my formally attired Fat Boy Charley just 9.5 months after losing his BFF, Buster last April. I am SO relieved for you. BTW – tears of relief are appropriate in this situation.

  144. 144
    WereBear says:

    So glad Steve is back and I hope that knee feels better. Don’t go out on ice unless you have those Yak Trakkers, people.

  145. 145
    StringOnAStick says:

    @Betty Cracker: Betty, I’ve been out of touch/town dealing with my elderly FIL (tough times, believe me), so I missed what has happened with your mom. I’m wishing the best for her and you.

  146. 146
    WaterGirl says:

    @raven: Know anybody who has used that? Looks interesting.

    Also, just checking to see if word of the little “scandal” at the UI has reached your neck of the woods. Big uproar because kids texted twittered racist and sexist things about asian female chancellor who wouldn’t close the U on a cold day last week.

  147. 147
    Gvg says:

    Google cat collar tracker.

  148. 148
    Mnemosyne says:

    @WereBear:

    I think Annie would like to wear a collar, because she’s pretty and she knows it, but Keaton just won’t allow it. Even when we’ve been sitting for other family members’ cats, their collars would be off within a day or two.

  149. 149
    raven says:

    @WaterGirl: I don’t know anyone that uses them, they are pricey.

    No mention on my FB from C-U. Off to the News Gazzette.

    eta, Jesus, the comments devolve to the Chief. Fuckers are as bad as these Confederate Flag morons.

  150. 150
    mohmlet says:

    A semi-annual delurk here to say thank FSM that Steve rolled up, calm as you please, and completely oblivious to the small-scale national panic he caused. Deep breaths and ice the heck out of that knee. John, if you’ve got a TENS unit at home (I am no stranger to knee issues, which means my RN mother got me one for a Christmas gift), you might want to drag it out, too.

  151. 151
    TrishB says:

    @Mnemosyne: Oh, no kitties in collars scare me. Once had a roomie who insisted on making his cat wear an old-fashioned white rubbery flea collar. Looked up from my reading one day to think that said kittie was playing with her whiskers when she had actually slipped the collar over her lower jaw and was choking herself. After I attempted rescue, injured myself badly (eye scratch), and probably made things worse for the cat, I ran screaming down 4 flights semi-blind (i.e. only one eye running at -6.5) to the laundry room for then fiance. Luckily fiance knew far, far more about kittie swaddlings and burrito style wrappings and was able to hold the cat down while I cut the collar. We both ended up with multiple shots, antibiotics, dressings, etc., while roomie never quite understood why we fussed in the first place.

  152. 152
    Ash Can says:

    Hooray!!

    “I can’t fucking go through this again.”

    Neither can we.

  153. 153
    windpond says:

    God I love this blog. I saw John’s tweet first and had to come back here for details. A sigh of relief.

  154. 154
    Roger Moore says:

    @jl:
    Seriously, though. Much brighter minds than John Cole have spent eons working on the problem of preventing cat egress without success; there’s no reason to think he’s going to succeed where all of humanity through recorded time has failed.

  155. 155
    CaseyL says:

    So glad Steve is back home safe and sound!

    So not surprised our host found another way to hurt himself.

    Kudos to your frat boys for helping the search. You told us Steve fell in love with one of them, and maybe he would have come to that particular guy, but I second the suggestion that a bunch of kids yelling is probably not the best way to coax a cat into coming home.

  156. 156
    rikyrah says:

    Cole,

    I’m with those who say to chip Steve. You love your animals way too much not to do it.

  157. 157
    jl says:

    @Roger Moore: I admit I would not know how to prevent cat egress for a cat that wants to egress. The recent cats in my folks house were not fans of going outside, and as I mentioned, their current cat loathes going outside.

  158. 158
    stinger says:

    So, so glad.

    It’s happened to me, more than once, and seriously, the best thing to do is to leave them alone, and they’ll come home, dragging their tails behind them.

  159. 159
    Mnemosyne says:

    @TrishB:

    Depending on how long ago it was, your roommate may have been a total idiot, because they make breakaway flea collars now. But I’m not sure they had them 20 or 30 years ago.

    PSA: if you can convince your cat to wear a collar, it should ALWAYS be a breakaway/safety release collar made for cats, not a dog’s collar. A cat can easily get themselves caught on something and choke to death if they’re in a dog (non-breakway) collar.
    /themoreyouknow

  160. 160
    Seanly says:

    John, I am glad you found your cat. (not being snarky!)

    In other news, I’m back from the hospital where my poor wife was diagnosed with ALL. She was successfully treated for Hodgin’s Lymphoma 3 years ago. The treatment for Leukemia is much, much more intensive than what she went through before. Oh, and we had just been switched to a high deductible plan at work. Guess we’ll meet those deductibles. This is treatable, but it’s going to be a tough road.

  161. 161
    HR Progressive says:

    Hey shithead,

    Do a better job of keeping your cats (and dogs) in your sights and your house.

    We don’t need any more heartbreak, either.

    Signed,

    A cat lover and cat parent for 23 years, who has either kept the cats inside or known how to bring them back in when necessary.

    Said with all due respect, and love. I’ll get off your lawn now.

  162. 162
    Sandia Blanca says:

    So thankful he came back home! Cats can be such tricksters, but disappearances are always cause for alarm. Yay Steve, yay John, and yay for helpful frat guys.

  163. 163
    Bonnie says:

    @Litlebritdiftrnt: I use Cheer liquid. Pour it on the cat puke and it is all gone after washing.

  164. 164
    gvg says:

    double doors. Screened porches mean the cat has to sneak past you twice-like having an airlock. Also when we moved I put a harness on my stubborn rescue former feral who sometimes still liked to sneak out. Gave me something to grab when he tried to bolt pass me. I used a nice reflective tape harness in a pretty silver that really showed on the totally black cat.

  165. 165
    efgoldman says:

    @Betty Cracker:

    She’s a nurse, so of course she’s a terrible patient. Thanks for asking!

    Huh. My mom, too, for the same reason. I always thought it was just her.

  166. 166
    sm*t cl*de says:

    bunch of large football players wearing greek letters walking around the neighborhood ye3lling

    Have you considered changing Steve’s name to ‘Pollux’ for the next time he goes walkabout?

  167. 167
    Pogonip says:

    @WereBear: Yak Tracks rule! And good on the company for making them big enough to fit my little boy’s size 15 feet.

  168. 168
    agorabum says:

    @muricafukyea: Seriously. The car? Still in the farmer’s field?
    Are you just going to go full West Virginia and have it put up on blocks, so you can admire it each day when you pass it in the field, as it slowly rusts…
    Maybe use if for target practice from time to time?

  169. 169
    2liberal says:

    @muricafukyea:

    The car is still in the fuking field????

    it is about to become a local landmark. he might as well print up a bill of sale and leave it on the windshield.

  170. 170
    gogol's wife says:

    Yay Steve! I came here as soon as Sherlock was over.

  171. 171
    gVOR08 says:

    So glad Steve is back in warmth and love.

  172. 172
    diana says:

    Glad to hear he’s home.

    At one point within a couple of months of adopting my Puff he got outside and wasn’t back in by nightfall. I figure’d he’d gone forever, said goodbye, got drunk with friends and then…next morning he was back, to be greeted with a scolding and as much canned food as I could put in his dish.

    that was 14 years ago.

  173. 173
    carolinadave says:

    Please ignore the previous haters. There is nothing like the sudden loss/escape of loved pet. The anxiety is acute especially if you live near a major/minor highway. Especially if you have suffered a traumatic loss of a pet. Be it in the back yard or one the aforementioned highway. Loss is loss. And swift and sudden loss sucks like no other. Agonizing end of life issues suck too. But they are easier to deal with compared to the shock like John went thru with Tunch. I’m glad there will not be a Balloon-Juice repeat in 2014.

  174. 174
    Keith P says:

    Glad to hear he’s back. I lost a couple of cats that were real friendly with my pit bull, and when they disappeared, my suspicion is that they went into a neighbor’s yard with a different dog and didn’t run when the dog came after them. (I’m 100% positive that the pit did not eat either one) It’s nice to have dog-friendly cats (and cat-friendly dogs) until they run into strange dogs. Thankfully, my current dog-friendly one refuses to go outside while my others are very, VERY anti-dog.

  175. 175
    Paul in KY says:

    @Howard Beale IV: Sorry to hear of the Colonel’s passing. My condolences, sir.

  176. 176
    Paul in KY says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: It was called ‘Palestine’ back in 1908 ;-)

    Did you ever meet that Herzl guy?

  177. 177
    Paul in KY says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: If their eyes are not looking directly at you & flashlight, you won’t see that reflectivity.

  178. 178
    Paul in KY says:

    @Seanly: Very sorry to hear that, Seanly. Hoping for the best.

  179. 179
    WaterGirl says:

    @Seanly: So very sorry about your news. That must be hard to wrap your head around.

    We are here for anything we can help with. A place to vent, or to process, or just to get away to a sense of normalcy.

  180. 180
    LanceThruster says:

    A belated thanks for all the cat advice comments. Will make good use of the info.

  181. 181
    Lurker says:

    @ John Cole. If Steve is to moonlight as an outdoor cat, you need to:

    1) put a collar on him with a tag inscribed with your phone number(s) ASAP
    2) get him chipped ASAP

Comments are closed.