I Don’t Have to Go Out Because Awesome Things Happen in My Living Room

Like many of you cat owners and lovers, I have a cat toy like this:

I’ve tried to play with it and Steve, and he usually just gets pissed off. So it’s been lying on the floor by his cat tree unattended and unnoticed forever. Until tonight, when I got him smacked up on catnip balls, and he took it on himself to play with it and got it all tangled, and then proceeded to streak around the house as if he had been assaulted. He somehow had it woven around his body and his back paw so that when he moved the plastic stick would hit him in the ass, which would make him move faster, which would hit him in the ass again, etc.

As a seasoned cat owner I realized getting anywhere near him would lead to bleeding, regret, lies, and hurt feelings, so I did what anyone would have done. I took pictures:





I like how in the last picture he’s just given up and is totally resigned to his fate. That was when it was safe enough to extricate the toy from his Highness with minimal collateral damage (translation- no bleeding for the humans).

I’ll read the SOTU and the GOP responses (how fucking many are we up to now?) tomorrow, but I am betting they will be less coherent than Steve’s behavior with a toy strapped to his leg and ass. You can bank on it.

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68 replies
  1. 1
    beltane says:

    Oh take that off of him. You’re wounding his dignity.

  2. 2
    Violet says:

    I LOL’d for reals. Picture number two is excellent. Really captures the indignity of the whole thing. Poor Steve. He looks so sleepy by that last picture. The ass-whupping must have tired him out.

  3. 3
    gbear says:

    My little Russian Blue will pick up that toy by the wand and drag it around the house.

  4. 4
    Mnemosyne says:

    We generally have the more birdlike models. Sometimes, Charlotte will grab it out of my hand, drag it to the bedroom, and lay on the bed chewing on the feathers, because she is a Mighty Huntress.

    We also have a Neko Fly, which I have to keep in a drawer because Charlotte goes nuts with it. Generally, playtime ends when she starts punching Annie in the head because Annie dared to try and swat at it, too.

  5. 5
    gbear says:

    Has anyone here used feliway to calm their cats? My Blue and my Tort were having a LOT of trouble getting along with each other and I bought a felway plug-in diffuser out of desperation. It seems to be working. I’m going to get a second one for the bedroom.

  6. 6
    Punchy says:

    I took the title to mean you got laid. Instead you’re sprung on the cat. Sir Mix-a-Lot would be disappointed.

  7. 7
    trollhattan says:

    Steve makes a good Christmas tree, avec legs.

    Speaking of pets, watch this to the very end, after the pitch.


  8. 8
    Mnemosyne says:


    Feliway worked pretty well with our three. You don’t have to use it forever — if you use it for 3 to 6 months, that should be enough time for them to hit the reset button and relate to each other better.

  9. 9
    Keith P says:

    That reminds me of the many times my cats have gotten tape on their feet. It usually results in something in the house getting broken as they run for dear life.

  10. 10
    Comrade Mary says:

    Boy, shaved cat ass grows back incredibly fast.

  11. 11
    John Cole says:

    @Comrade Mary: Yeah, but you notice there is no hanging “presents” anywhere? I bled for that hygiene.

  12. 12
    themis says:

    I made the ultimate cat faux pas… I slept through dinner. Never mind sleeping through the SOTU, never mind sleeping through my mother’s annual phone call to make fun of the SOTU, I feverishly slept through dinner for 4 cats. I’m amazed that I’m not dead yet.

    I get it – Steve is cute. But he’s not my Riku, aka Thunder Paws. I apparently have a cat that will climb a wall and knock Tylenol out of the cabinet and play with it until it is in a room where I’m running a 102 fever.

  13. 13
    Keith P says:

    @themis: When I do that, I wake up with all three cats on my bed staring at me. As soon as I ask them “Are you hungry?” or “Do you want food?” they take off into the kitchen.

  14. 14
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    Tweety’s favorite Republican congressman, certified regular guy Michael Grimm of Staten Island, threatens a reporter on camera.

  15. 15
    Ruckus says:

    I am betting they will be less coherent than Steve’s behavior with a toy strapped to his leg and ass


    That’s a suckers bet. No, that’s the definition of a suckers bet.

  16. 16
    Comrade Mary says:

    @John Cole:

    I bled for that hygiene.

    That should go on your coat of arms.

  17. 17
    koalaholik says:

    @gbear: It helped settle my boys down so they quit terrorizing my female cat. I only used it about 3 or 4 months and was able to stop. Things have stayed relatively calm

  18. 18
    SuperHrefna says:

    @themis: last night my maine coon kept picking up my bathroom scale and dropping it in the floor. Made one hell of a racket. Eventually I remembered that, fever or no fever, Cat Dinner Time is a sacred space that must be respected.

  19. 19
    carolinadave says:

    everything is better than currently listening to PBS to Charlie Rose and guests reviewing the SOTU while I am typing, looking at Steve pics, too lazy to go into the other room to change the channel. Steve is awesome! Maybe I need to roust the dogs from their SOTU slumber. Good Speech. They were waiting, as always, for the angry Obama. But his calm, rational, yet emotional tone calmed them as they are now asleep, dreaming of a better future, as if that is possible. Because they live very, very, well.

  20. 20
    Mnemosyne says:


    Our cats get a treat of wet food at 9:30 pm every night. One time, I was out for the evening and G lost track of time.

    Our small, fuzzy, timid tabby Annie got up on his chair and bit him on the arm. Not hard, but just enough to get her message across: Listen, pal, either you serve treat, or you are treat. Capisce?

  21. 21
    SuperHrefna says:

    @Mnemosyne: hah! Who says cats don’t know how to communicate

  22. 22
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @carolinadave: I had to turn off Tweety when Mark Halperin, whom Tweety had just called “brilliant”, referred to “the women stuff”

  23. 23
    themis says:

    @Keith P: They’re not staring, they’re triangulating

    Mine do that once 5pm happens – its like their little kitty tummies have a better alarm clock than my damn iphone. I’m surrounded. And I have a cat that’s been in 3 time zones.

    But I’m being punished now, as I should… I have my kittens (both under a year old) nibbling my feet, my 3 year old nibbling my neck, and my 11 year old in a different room not giving a fuck.

    And all I did was be sick when dinner should have happened.

  24. 24
    carolinadave says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist:

    Ha ha, That is why I had already bailed from MSNBC. Too much Tweety, too late at night. But the Rose PBS panel is painful as well. DorisHG is a good addition.

    I’m still not waking up the dogs.

  25. 25
    themis says:

    @SuperHrefna: Isn’t that the only reason we ever go into the kitchen?

  26. 26
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @SuperHrefna: I do. In my experience, the fuckers recognize the person with an allergy and then rub up against him and try to sit on his lap. The allergy sufferer, being polite, then suffers watery itchy eyes and sneezing. But the oversensitive cat owners feelings don’t get hurt so it’s all okay. Plus, the cat owners get to say “Oooh, look Fluffy likes you. He normally is shy around people.” Bullshit, Fluffy knew what he was doing and did it with malice aforethought. Fluffy knows it and so do I.

  27. 27
    carolinadave says:

    OMG, I did not realize that one of the guys talking in my background who I could only hear, but not see was Mark Halperin. Now I why he is so disliked.

  28. 28
    Hill Dweller says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: The Twitter machine is telling me Tweety is now hosting the panel, instead of Maddow. Any truth to it?

  29. 29
    mclaren says:

    So basically Steve is a Republican?

  30. 30
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @mclaren: All cats are Republicans.

  31. 31
    themis says:

    @Mnemosyne: I love that for 2 reasons… Cat-wise, I absolutely get it. Second-wise, my nickname is Annie.

    But my 6 month old (a torti) is an absolute princess – not the Disney kind, more like the medieval Italian states princess kind. I will, forever now, look at her adorable face and see Capisce staring back at me.

    And yes, she is nibbling my toes as I type.

  32. 32
    asiangrrlMN says:

    That is too damn cute. Sir Willie Whiskerton II looks pretty damn happy in the last pic. And, I don’t know what it is about cat ass, but it always cracks me up. (Pic #2).

  33. 33
    carolinadave says:

    Now I KNOW why Halperin is disliked. Plus X 1000000.

  34. 34
    Ruckus says:

    I think it’s because they point it in your face any chance they get. My landlord’s cat likes to sit in my lap but has to turn around 3 times before she will settle and has to stop each revolution to make sure I get a good peek at her ass.

    ETA BTW good to see you back.

  35. 35
    max says:

    @Punchy: I took the title to mean you got laid.

    Winner, 2014 Hope Springs Eternal Award.

    My maine coon insisted on coming over and sitting on my lap and chest, presumably for petting. Not that he didn't try to smack me in the face for scratching his stomach. That almost got the dog's attention, which would have been bad. For the cat. And likely me, depending on what the cat used for traction when making his escape.

    So, I was distracted but Steve seems pretty cool, except for the whole clumsy panic thing. Must be communicable.

    ['Dewey Crowe is so dumb, he should run for Congress as a Republican.']

  36. 36
    Another Holocene Human says:

    @SuperHrefna: Wow, you have a respectful cat! The Bat Cat will aggressively wake you up (jump on your face) and if that doesn’t work, eat your hair and/or any vulnerable but valuable paper or cardboard items within earshot. Or your phone charger cord. Anything to get you up like a shot.

  37. 37
    Omnes Omnibus says:


    Dewey Crowe is so dumb, he should run for Congress as a Republican

    Pure win.

  38. 38
    Suffern ACE says:

    Yeah, but he was stoned so he’ll forget about it. My cat got tangled in his toy on a stick and pulled it from my hands, running through the house. Seven years later, he still hides from any toy with string on a stick. Even the nekko flies I bought hoping to finally get him over the trauma.

  39. 39
    wasabi gasp says:

    Now I wanna get smacked up on balls and hit in the ass with plastic things.

  40. 40
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @wasabi gasp: Do what you gotta do. I think Dave Vitter could hook you up with a phone number or two.

  41. 41
    themis says:

    @Suffern ACE:

    Yeah, but he was stoned so he’ll forget about it.

    And this is different from Congress how?

  42. 42
    Suffern ACE says:

    @wasabi gasp: I’ve seen that movie. But you have to dress like a nurse for it to work.

  43. 43
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    Why the fuck was there a reissue of the Violent Femmes’ first album that added two songs? The album simply must end with “Good Feelings.”

  44. 44
    tBone says:

    Henceforth all GOP SOTU responses should be referred to as “smackin’ the cat ass.” Maybe all GOP public statements in general, actually.

  45. 45
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @tBone: What if the response shaved the cat’s ass?

  46. 46
    themis says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Yes. Holy hell yes. I still own my old school vinyl copy even though I have nothing to play it on. There are things that should not be fucked with, and this is one.

  47. 47
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @themis: It vexes me.

  48. 48
    tBone says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    “Smackin’ bare cat ass”?

    On second thought, this is starting to sound like porn for furries.

  49. 49
    Omnes Omnibus says:


    On second thought, this is starting to sound like porn for furries.

    I’m pretty vanilla, but that sounds better than dealing with GOPers.

  50. 50
    ruemara says:

    The chief reasons why Takkun and Kage are the World’s Best Kitties are that I have slept through breakfast, forgotten to put out the evening water, forgotten the dry, forgotten the wet and they would just come over, check me out thoroughly and if it’s evening, explain my error with words, for morning, sit down next to me and grab a cuddle until I woke up. You’ve never seen more patient, tolerant of fallible big kitty Hooman, cats.

  51. 51
    max says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Pure win.

    ;) Biden Clenches Plastic Beer Cup In Teeth To Free Hands For Clapping

    [‘I’m disappointed Boehner didn’t puke.’]

  52. 52
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @max: Onion Biden is awesome.

  53. 53
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @themis: Holy fuck. It turns out that the reissue was in 1987! I have my 1983 vinyl and everything else can fuck right off.

  54. 54
    Keith P says:

    @ruemara: I don’t feel overly guilty when I forget to feed the cats (or when I run out of food and have to let them go hungry) since they’re all so fat.I used to crack open cans of salmon or tuna when they did, but after all three turned their heads at some $15 ventresca (tuna belly), that stopped.
    Now, when I forget water….Ifeel kind of bad. Thankfully, when I do, I have one cat who will get in the shower with me when I do and try to drink the water, letting me know it’s time.

  55. 55
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Keith P: It is interesting to me, as a dog person, to read about cat folk. Dogs are so responsive to human moods, and they can recognize those who like them almost instantly. Shih tzus are one of the least pleasant dog breeds on earth, but I can get them to roll over and let me scratch their bellies within an hour. Even evil little shih tzu bastards can recognize that I like dogs, and it works.

  56. 56
    mdblanche says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Does he have a secret other family? ‘Cause if he doesn’t, he’s still honest and decent by Staten Island congressman standards.

  57. 57
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @mdblanche: Define secret.

    ETA: Do people actually live on Staten Island? When I lived in CT, I actually assumed it was a fake place, you know, like Narnia.

  58. 58
    wasabi gasp says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Bonus tracks spoil good endings. Some albums, especially if not familiar with the original, flow into additional new tracks well. But the alt takes and live performances get disabled. That’s for a different listen

  59. 59
    themis says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Hey, we’re Democrats here. We will properly fuck left off. And yes, I’m running a fever (down to 99!) and listening to that album now. Pure brilliance.

    Just for the record, this is the best flu ever. Thanks BJers – you made a lurker welcome.

  60. 60
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @wasabi gasp: I have a number of CD reissues of vinyl albums. If they add stuff they have the courtesy of putting in a space before they play the additional material. Sometimes the additional stuff is good, for example, the CD version of X’s See How We Are has some good additional material. As does the Pogues’ Rum, Sodomy, and the Lash. They all still need the spacer between the original album and the additional material.

  61. 61
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @themis: Jump in, the water is fine.*

    *Okay, It’s cold as hell, but, fuck it, you trusted me. Learned your lesson, didn’t you?

  62. 62
    themis says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: That cat-piss colored stuff is the water? I’ll stick to my fever, which is now rising higher than the temps in my neck of the woods…

    But yes, you folks are a damn fine welcome mat. I’ve never been so graciously received.

    (now waiting 5 damn minutes)

  63. 63
  64. 64
    themis says:

    Since I fever-slept through the SOTU, I am now watching the response. Cathy? shut the fuck up. You’re like me… pretty (some say), privileged, have a farm (affectionately known as Retirement), picked apples as a kid (tell that to my students, who apparently used apples to prevent grape-fire) .

    Holy hell this is bad.

    And, as a daughter of a man who died in Viet Nam, I find the funeral flag in the background an insult.

  65. 65
    wasabi gasp says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: When an album gets hit in the tail with bonus stuff, I’m reminded of the ending of Being There where just seconds after that absurdly fantastical ending, they roll into the blooper reel.

  66. 66
    themis says:

    @wasabi gasp: Being There wasn’t a documentary? My world is truly fucked. Next thing you’ll tell me is that Cole doesn’t really have cats.

  67. 67
    wasabi gasp says:

    @themis: Not a documentary. Maybe prophecy. George doesn’t understand blooper reels.

  68. 68
    lou says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: No, to cats, ignoring them means you’re being polite and letting them make the first move. If you want them to avoid you, then talk loudly at them and hold out your full hand.

    My cat looooooves the wand that Steve ignores. It is his number-one favorite toy. He does back flips to play with the thing and races around the house following the string. My husband has taken to sticking the wand into his belt loop as he walks around the house so we can wear JP out with play.

    Tastes differ.

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