Quick Status Update

Steve, like most Maine Coons, I’m assuming, becomes predictably hostile and aggressive when you try to shave his ass. I used treats and wrapped him into a blanket so I could have access to the foul nether regions, and he got loose 3/4 of the way through.

I staunched most of the bleeding after I let it bleed out under cold water and let Lily lick it, and then I threw some rubbing alcohol on the cuts (holy fuck that hurt) and I am busting out the New Skin to handle the long term damage.

No pictures because I am busy bleeding into my keyboard.

171 replies
  1. 1
    Keith G says:

    Sooo…what were your plans for after the shaving?

  2. 2
    COB says:

    I don’t imagine that reaction is exclusive to Maine Coons, John. Who the hell shaves a cat’s ass?

  3. 3
    Shana says:

    Oh man, I’m so sorry. In a couple of days you may find it funny. Having tried to do things to various cats over the years that they didn’t want me to do, I sympathize.

  4. 4
    becca says:

    Color me unsurprised.

  5. 5
    russell says:

    i’d get hostile if you tried to shave my ass. just saying.

  6. 6
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    Wait, who got cut? You or Steve?

    Also, as usual, pictures or it never happened….

  7. 7
    Baud says:

    @Keith G:

    Mustard is involved.

  8. 8

    Well, how would you like to be wrapped up in a towel and then have a sharp blade go after your taint?

    (I know… some like it.)

  9. 9
    jl says:

    Why is Cole shaving his cat’s ass? I must have missed something. I hope I did.

    Edit: anyway, thanks for the info. Note to self: if you get Maine Coon cat, it does not like to get its ass shaved.

    You do learn so much useful information on this blog.

  10. 10
    CaseyL says:

    Well, how would you like it if some giant wrapped you up and held you down and started wielding sharp and pointy things near your boy bits?

    Some kitties are better than others at keeping their nether regions clean, I guess. Would trimming him regularly be easier on both of you than waiting until he’s achieved ShitCon 5 and having to shave the area?

    ETA: Mustang Bobby beat me to it.

  11. 11
    JPL says:

    Don’t close your eyes tonight. Steve might hold a grudge.

  12. 12
    Dave says:

    John got cut. I had to do this to mine once. He had some issues that were becoming messy. And when you put that much cat behind some claws they do serious damage just trying to run away.

  13. 13
    MomSense says:

    I feel your pain.

  14. 14
    IowaOldLady says:

    I must have missed something that would make this make sense.

  15. 15
    becca says:

    @COB: seriously. I wish my cats could read this so they would appreciate me more.

  16. 16
    jayboat says:

    Seems like ‘trimming’ might be more in order than ‘shaving’.

  17. 17
    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader says:

    John, I don’t think I have to tell you that now is not the time to be interviewing Steve.

  18. 18
    Corner Stone says:

    This has gone beyond some kind of weird, cat lady fetishist site. And into something…I don’t know.

  19. 19
    aimai says:

    @jl: Yes, absolutely News You Can Use. Not like those other blogs.

  20. 20
    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader says:


    Why is Cole shaving his cat’s ass?

    It’s a sport in West Virginia.

  21. 21
    Violet says:

    Why do you shave your cat’s ass? Maybe the next time you go for a mani pedi you can get him waxed.

  22. 22
    sjw says:

    Your life is just a kaleidoscope of vivid experiences, isn’t it, John? Hang in there.

  23. 23
    Mike E says:


  24. 24
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @becca: “Ah, go trim your ass” doesn’t have quite the same impact

    @Violet: “Go wax your ass”, that could work

  25. 25
    jl says:

    @Dave: Oh, mess back there? Was that it? Why not go at it with some little grooming shears? After donning suitable gloves.

  26. 26
    Corner Stone says:

    This may be a bad time to ask, but does anyone know what the end result of the flipped car into the farmer’s field is?

  27. 27
    Aji says:

    Lemme guess: You completely skipped the “positive reinforcement” step, didn’t you?

    [Shakes head] look: You’re gonna do something traumatic like that to the boy, you gotta break out that weapons-grade ‘nip you’re always on about.

    I put Ice in the stall for 20 minutes today (apparently only his second time in an enclosed space like EVER in his life), and afterward, he got grain fed by hand. Which is why tomorrow I’ll be able to catch him again if I want to halter him up. Presumably without stepping on my foot this time.

  28. 28
    Baud says:

    No pictures because I am busy bleeding into my keyboard.

    You will, I hope, post some pictures of the bare-assed kitty after you’ve succeeded.

  29. 29
  30. 30
    jl says:

    @Baud: I wanna see blood, or it didn’t happen. Trust but verify. I am skeptical, was well as depraved.

  31. 31
    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader says:


    Oh, mess back there? Was that it? Why not go at it with some little grooming shears? After donning suitable gloves.

    The sport has equipment: one 35 cent plastic razor, a quilt no larger than four feet across, and cat snacks of any variety.

  32. 32

    If Steve walks backward is he still better looking than you?

  33. 33
    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader says:

    @Corner Stone: Nope, never heard. I think they’re saving that one for John Cole: The Movie.

  34. 34
    SiubhanDuinne says:


    News You Can Use. Not like those other blogs.


  35. 35
    JPL says:

    @Corner Stone: Not I. Maybe the farmer took off the top and filled it with dirt. It might be an interesting herb garden. Cat hair could keep away the deer, maybe.

  36. 36
    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader says:

    I feel like I hit the motherfucking lottery because I have a cat who doesn’t shit on himself.

  37. 37
    Ash Can says:

    If someone tried to shave my ass, I’d draw blood too. As much of it as I could, in fact. Just sayin’.

  38. 38
    Dave says:

    @jl: Oh just runny stool it became matted in his fur. I actually did trim not shave but he was understandably skittish about the whole thing. he was a rescue and while a complete lover could get freaked out, and when he panicked and ran away over twenty lbs of cat can leave some marks. He used to drool when he purred to guy was a beautiful mess.

  39. 39
    Corner Stone says:

    @JPL: I’ve been seeing those Subaru ads for “They Lived”, and I actually think they’re pretty powerful.
    Just thought there may be some commercial angle Cole could monetize for the betterment of “his boys”.

  40. 40


    Who the hell shaves a cat’s ass?

    Ah! A new exclamation of surprise and wonder!

    “Well! Doesn’t that just shave the cat’s ass!

    That’s gonna be right up there with the cat’s pajamas and the bees knees.

  41. 41


    Who the hell shaves a cat’s ass?

    Ah! A new exclamation of surprise and wonder!

    “Well! Doesn’t that just shave the cat’s ass!

    That’s gonna be right up there with the cat’s pajamas and the bees knees.

  42. 42

    Oooh, finally scored the double-postie thing. FYWP.

  43. 43
    trollhattan says:

    Trying to picture Cole’s to-do list for the day, and can’t stop laughing at item #7, Shave Steve’s ass.

    WTF? Like you need self-inflicted trauma when it happens to you naturally?

  44. 44
    Baud says:

    @Ash Can:

    Even if they used treats and wrapped you in a blanket? Have to admit, it might win me over.

  45. 45
    Mnemosyne says:

    This is why we have professionals shave Keaton’s butt if he needs it. Also called a “sanitary clip” or a “potty trail,” BTW.

    ETA: And, yes, long-haired cats occasionally get cling-ons and have to have their butts shaved, unless you WANT your cat to do a Mr. Hankey impression all over your living room.

  46. 46
    WaterGirl says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader: I laughed out loud. Really.

  47. 47
    Corner Stone says:

    @Baud: You mean if someone bound you and took a cutting tool to your nether regions you’d be all blase?
    This blog really has reset the spectrum.

  48. 48

    Shaving or trimming kitteh butt furs is a two person job.

  49. 49
    Just Some Fuckhead, Thought Leader says:

    @Corner Stone: You completely skipped the part where Baud was pacified with mechanically separated chicken and corn byproduct.

  50. 50
    gbear says:

    @COB: My vets offer the service under the name ‘Sanitary Trim’. It’s the best $20 I spend on pet care. I wouldn’t dream of trying to do it myself -that would be really dumb.

  51. 51
    WaterGirl says:

    @Corner Stone: My Subaru saved my life many years ago in an altercation with a semi.

  52. 52
    Baud says:

    @Corner Stone:

    Well, when you put it that way, I’d probably also want them to tell me they love me…

  53. 53

    @Corner Stone:

    In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.

    Did TJ have cats? I’m thinking, prolly.

  54. 54
  55. 55
    AdamK says:

    Take him to the vet’s for intimate grooming. The vet techs can do anything. Plus, they do it in the back where you don’t have to watch.

  56. 56
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    “late breaking story” teased by The Rachel Maddow: The FBI has joined the investigation of Outlaw Joisey Whale.

  57. 57
    Honus says:

    You know, I started reading this blog for a little amusement, political news/commentary from a progressive viewpoint, mostly done with a good sense of humour….

    …and tonight it’s 12 degrees and I sit down to relax in front of my woodstove with a glass of single malt… And the blog leads off with a story about getting all bloody from shaving a cat’s ass.

    Being born and raised in the Northern Panhandle of West Virginia, I guess I should have seen it coming.

  58. 58
    Anne Laurie says:

    Cole, you have access to a reasonably-priced veterinary office. Maine Coons with grooming issues is why vet techs (and Mikki muzzles) were invented.

    You know this, because you’ve posted pictures of the late great Tunch wearing just such a muzzle (and very fetching it looked on him, too).

    Keep those scratches disinfected, and if they start to look puffy, run do not walk to your own doctor for antibiotics. I can attest from personal experience that trying to type after hand surgery is a Major Unpleasantness!

  59. 59
    Baud says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist:

    Now that’s someone who needs his ass shaved…in prison.

  60. 60
    eastriver says:



    You are a simple man.

  61. 61
    jl says:

    @Dave: Thanks.

    Hey, Cole, I think commenter Dave has a pro-tip on the cat’s butt shaving business: don’t.

    ” trim not shave”

  62. 62
    WaterGirl says:

    @eastriver: Cole had to shave his cat’s butt in order to get you out of hiding? Or maybe I’ve just missed it when you’ve posted lately, but it seems like it’s been months, at least.

  63. 63
  64. 64
    Baud says:

    Y’all should do a Google search for “balloon juice anal glands.” Cat-ass shaving ain’t nothing.

  65. 65
    MikeInSewickley says:

    Amen to anyone who says to watch cat scratches carefully. Years ago our Angora took offense to some rough housing and sunk her canine into the top of my hand. 24 hours later, I’m in the ER getting IV antibiotic. Doc said the only reason I wasn’t spending the night is due to better antibiotics than 20 years ago.

    Why we let our animals beat the shit out of us, I’ll never know. Better them than Republicans…

  66. 66
    raven says:

    If my dog had a face like yours I’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

  67. 67

    @Baud: I remember that one!

  68. 68
    gbear says:

    Another benefit of taking my cat to the vet for a butt trim is that she gets a bit of a mini-checkup, including a weigh-in, when they do the trim.

  69. 69
    Baud says:

    @schrodinger’s cat:

    Google comes up with more than one!

  70. 70
    scav says:

    Sounds like Freedom is even spillier in West Virginia than they wanted to boast about. Another chemical spilled at the same time, The unexpected things one finds under the couch and in the waterways, oh whoops. That invisible hand can be so clumsy. Guard

  71. 71
    Poopyman says:

    @russell: +1

    That is clearly a two-person operation, not unlike the time I tried to dip my first (training) cat’s paw in the vet’s iodine solution for her infected claw. I’ll bet he was laughing his ass off, but I never went back to that guy.

  72. 72

    @MikeInSewickley: Cat bites are nasty, I got in the middle of a horrible cat fight between my two cats and got bit, the wound got infected and looked really nasty and my palm puffed up to twice its size.

  73. 73
    JPL says:

    Let us not ignore Steve’s feelings about this matter. He is now a cat with a half shaved ass. How would you feel if only half your ass were shaved? Just sayin! Please don’t close your eyes tonight John.

  74. 74
    gbear says:

    @JPL: He has to lean sideways when he poops. Poor kitty.

  75. 75
    catclub says:

    @Baud: “bare-assed kitty” 2/3rd to 3/4 bare-assed. The stylish cats all do it that way.

  76. 76
    Goldenhawk says:

    I let it bleed out under cold water and let Lily lick it

    Still having trouble with healthcare.gov?

  77. 77
    catclub says:

    I remember the Henri the Chat videos. They had butt trimming, but it was classy and french.

  78. 78
    ruemara says:

    Honey. Sweety. You don’t do it that way unless you really understand the kitty burrito wrap and you don’t shave (esp. with a noisy razor) you use a set of thinning shears for pets. A lot of this could be solved by grooming the cat and letting them relax, offer a treat bit for successful cuts until you get them to understand it’s just grooming and loving cuddles with the hooman kitteh will follow. Lord, what does go on in your head?

  79. 79
    Poopyman says:

    @WaterGirl: Sold my ’84 Legacy in ’91 to my neighbor. Two weeks later they got broadsided by a van, and they all walked away. That was before side airbags.

  80. 80
    chopper says:


    Who the hell shaves a cat’s ass?

    this band that played the Metro. there were over 500 people at the rock show. the jam session was awesome.

  81. 81

    I blame Obama, Obamacare should has covered kittehs.

  82. 82
    trollhattan says:

    @schrodinger’s cat:

    Nowhere near as bad as a MØØSE bite. They are really nāsty.

  83. 83
    WaterGirl says:

    @Poopyman: My accident was around that same timeframe, and I don’t believe my Subaru had airbags of any kind.

    I burst into tears when I went back to get my stuff out of the car the day after the accident. When I saw the shape the car was in I realized I was lucky to be alive. My Subaru had a solid metal feel and most of the other cars then had that lightweight feel of something you could dent if you just pushed the door shut with your hip.

  84. 84
    Pogonip says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Well, doesn’t that just shave the cat’s ass?

  85. 85
    Suzanne says:

    @gbear: My grandfather referred to it as the “poop chute”.

  86. 86

    @trollhattan: When did a moose bite you? What were you doing?

  87. 87
    jl says:

    @Pogonip: Thanks. Is that a new saying invented right here on this blog, right today? Anyway, I am using it from now on.

    I’ve never liked ‘more than one way to skin a cat’ because 1) the image is cruel, and 2) why would anyone want to skin a cat?

    But there is a reason to remove hair from around cat’s ass (Edit in certain kitty sanitary emergencies).

    So, I hereby copyright “There is more than one way to shave a cat’s ass’, so I can sue Christie the Thuggish Clown if he uses it, but BJ commenters can use it for free.

    Edit: the new version is vulgar, but everything you do involves a a cost. That is a trivial meaningless truism with no empirical content, er, I mean a basic principle of microeconomics.

  88. 88

    @Poopyman: I had an accident in the winter almost ten years ago. The only injuries I had were from the air bag. I is petite.

    ETA: It was a red Subaru Legacy.

  89. 89
    SiubhanDuinne says:


    The part I like most is that all the affected West Virginians have to keep paying their water bills (if Facebook is to be believed).

  90. 90
    celiadexter says:

    If the damage involved a bite rather than a scratch you need to get your ass to the human doc for some Augmentin, sooner rather than later. Possibly even if it’s a bad scratch.

  91. 91
    Pogonip says:

    John, use scissors. Catnip and treats before and after. Or, as suggested above, let the vet tackle him.

    Next long haired critter you get, get young and start clipping and they’ll take it for granted. (Steve’s previous owners must not have cared if he left, Er, moose tracks, or else they did care and nicked him while mowing. If that happened, I guess you can’t blame him for reacting so violently.)

  92. 92
    Corner Stone says:

    @WaterGirl: I don’t know if you’ve seen the commercial I’m thinking of, but the guy at the junk yard kind of does a heartbreaking stop and the tow truck guy delivering the smashed metal says, “Hey, they lived.” And the junk guy does a double take.
    That’s pretty nasty, in my book.

  93. 93
    Pogonip says:

    @schrodinger’s cat: I wondered about that too. Even John Cole has not (yet) been bitten by a moose. Tell the story, please!

  94. 94
    Corner Stone says:

    Poop chute, baby (a-Poop chute, baby)
    Poop chute, baby, Poop chute
    Poop chute, baby, Poop chute

    /sung to the tune of “Love Shack”

  95. 95
    trollhattan says:

    @schrodinger’s cat:

    My sister, she was carving… here you go.


  96. 96
    Morbo says:

    Ever the overachiever. I mean I am assuming you did this stupid thing because he had poop stuck in there and it started to smell and was unhygienic. Most people WASH and TRIM the cat’s hair if this is a problem, but nooooo, not John Cole. He just has to go the extra mile and try to actually shave the cat’s ass.

  97. 97
    GregB says:

    I think it may be high time for an intervention.

  98. 98
    Pogonip says:

    @Corner Stone: Steve says, stay away fool, stay away, fool, from my poop chute…

    (Background chant: poop chute, baby, poop chute…)

    I was thinking about starting a blog myself, but who’d read it? How can I possibly compete with nude mopping, cars in cornfields, and cat-shaving injuries?

  99. 99
    different-church-lady says:


    Why do you shave your cat’s ass?

    Because it feels so good when you stop.

  100. 100
    Owner of a maine coon says:

    @COB: Someone who has a cat that has poop stuck to the butt fur. That’s who shaves a cat’s ass. I have scars to prove it.

  101. 101
    different-church-lady says:

    @Corner Stone: The farmer turned it into a watering trough for the cattle. Beat ’em, join ’em, all that all that.

  102. 102
    Pogonip says:

    My mom had, for obvious reasons, a special pair of scissors used for nothing else than trimming the aft end of our poodle. She never minded (the poodle; I’m sure Mom wasn’t thrilled with the job.). Maybe when Steve’s scent gets all over the scissors he won’t mind so much either.

  103. 103
  104. 104
    Platypus says:

    I am totally putting “Shave Steve’s ass” on my to-do list. Not that I ever expect to do such a thing, but I crack up imagining the look on my wife’s face if she ever finds that list. Totally worth it.

  105. 105
    max says:

    @trollhattan: Nowhere near as bad as a MØØSE bite. They are really nāsty.

    Someday they’re going to find Cole’s body in the woods, buck naked and covered in voodoo tattoos, all torn up from the MØØSE bites, and they’re going to go look for the moose and it’s going to be wear a pink tutu and ratty bathrobe, and no one will have any idea what the fuck happened.

    [‘And they’re going to notice his liver is missing.’]

  106. 106
    Pogonip says:

    @Platypus: Better be prepared to explain to your wife who this Steve guy is.

  107. 107
    trollhattan says:


    And let’s not forget the MØØStard-dipped antlers.

  108. 108
    Pogonip says:

    @max: But we will not be at all surprised.

    9 degrees here. This polar vortex bites moose ass.

  109. 109
    Keith G says:

    @max: Good work, sir.

  110. 110
    MomSense says:

    So my son has been volunteering at the humane society and has fallen for a 14-16 year old tabby who attacks everyone and tries to bite them except she loves my son and purrs and asks for skritches. This has not gone unnoticed among the female volunteer population and son had a date last night with a lovely young woman. Unfortunately we can’t adopt cranky kitty because we already have two plus a dog and this is a diva who needs to be worshipped exclusively. The elderly man who surrendered her described her as mean but nice to look at.

  111. 111


    How would you feel if only half your ass were shaved?

    Warmer than I would be if the hairless pinkskinned sonofagun had completed his eeeevil machinations!

  112. 112
    The Thin Black Duke says:

    @max: Wasn’t that the last David Lynch movie…?

  113. 113
    Corner Stone says:

    I hope Lawrence O’Donnell fires whoever booked these two gambones on tonight’s show.

  114. 114
    Fordpowers says:

    I’m trying to understand why in the actual fuck anyone would literally shave a cats ass…?

    I’m definitely not a cat person.

  115. 115
  116. 116
    Corner Stone says:

    Steve, like most Maine Coons, I’m assuming, becomes predictably hostile and aggressive when you try to shave his ass.

    Shouldn’t this go among the immortalized lexicon?
    [Insert Name], like most sentient beings, I’m assuming, becomes predictably hostile and aggressive when you try to [insert action].

  117. 117
    beltane says:

    If I ever need my cat’s ass shaved, I know who to call.

    Thermometer says it’s -19.2 outside, and I’m wearing two sweaters and a wool hat inside. The seed and nursery catalogs assure me that spring is coming but I don’t believe it.

  118. 118
    Corner Stone says:


    How can I possibly compete with nude mopping, cars in cornfields, and cat-shaving injuries?

    Nude mopping in cornfields and cat-shaving injuries while driving on a highway covered in snow?

  119. 119
    Citizen_X says:

    @Corner Stone: At least the farmer could fill it with gasoline and dynamite and blow it the fuck up, right?

  120. 120
    gbear says:

    @Pogonip: Five below in the Twin Cities. The Minneapolis and St. Paul school districts decided to cancel classes tomorrow rather than make kids wait for the bus in -35 wind chills. Actual air temps overnight are going to be -15.

    It was 40+ degrees last sunday, and this friday is supposed to be in the 30’s. This yo-yo weather is just bizarre. And it sucks, also, too.

  121. 121
    jl says:


    ” At least the farmer could fill it with gasoline and dynamite and blow it the fuck up, right? ”

    Should write up a pitch fro a reality show first, might get some pay for that.

  122. 122

    You shave your cat’s ass? Dude. I have the vet do that, and only because my damn cat is sick and has chronic diarrhea.

  123. 123
    OldDave says:

    This yo-yo weather is just bizarre. And it sucks, also, too.

    That’s why Minnesota has just two seasons – Winter and Road-Repair.

  124. 124
    Ash Can says:

    @jl: Mythbusters had that covered a long time ago.

  125. 125
    Pogonip says:

    @Corner Stone: Gee, why didn’t I think of that? Although the nude mopping will have to wait for a serious warmup.

  126. 126
    Tractarian says:

    This is the most disgusting thing I have ever read.

  127. 127
    TS says:

    @Corner Stone:

    I hope Lawrence O’Donnell fires whoever booked these two gambones on tonight’s show.

    Giving folks the benefit of the doubt because the were prosecutors – sounds very doubtful. The stilted lawyer speak words of the Lt Governor deserved no benefit of any kind.

  128. 128
    muddy says:

    Steve needs a kitty bidet.

  129. 129
    gbear says:

    @OldDave: But the seasons are usually months apart rather than hours. The huge changes in temps is just tearing the asphalt roads to shreds this winter. Water gets in the cracks and then heaves the road when it freezes.

  130. 130
    jl says:

    @Ash Can: Yeah, OK. But did mythbusters combine that with ‘Can a hopelessly clumsy man who can kill himself installing a rubber doorstop shave his cat’s ass’? I think not.

  131. 131
    gnomedad says:


    Nowhere near as bad as a MØØSE bite. They are really nāsty.

    You were shaving your moose’s ass?

  132. 132
    gbear says:

    @muddy: This sounds like it should be a song by They Might Be Giants.

  133. 133
    kc says:


    Ah oui. “Le maintenance delicat.”

  134. 134
    Corner Stone says:

    @TS: Those two guests on LOD looked like they had just exited a Chris Christie Hug-A-Thon Booth.

  135. 135

    @gbear: Ahem

    Steve, he’s Maine Coon
    To me, he’s the best boon
    Shave, I would try soon
    Though I might die soon

    Now he’s not like the last cat
    Who was, oh, so mostly white and fat
    But le maintenance delicat
    Brings out the best of any cat

    Please don’t, don’t, don’t
    Feel I’m not aware of that
    Please don’t, don’t, don’t
    Swear and bleed because of that
    Shaving the ass of my pu$$y cat

    YES! I NEED!
    I should remain clear of thee
    Treats and nip and coverlet
    Insufficient to cover it
    Pink skin, my wounds are legion
    From trying to shave your nether region

    *keyboard solo fade*

  136. 136
    Comrade Mary says:

    @jl: I think John totally missed the chance to create some shit-enhanced topiary. Germans. /sigh

  137. 137

    Augh, moderation. Must have made a C!alis reference.

    ETA: Or a pu$$y cat reference. Aye, that’s it likely.

  138. 138
    muddy says:

    @gbear: The other day I kept seeing a lot of black ropes or something on the road. Then I realized it was the tar that they pour into small cracks. It had bulged out and then been caught and pulled out as long strings by plows.

  139. 139
    Suzanne says:

    Seriously, some of the things that y’all think are breed-specific just amaze me. Like, “It must be a Maine Coon thing to not like getting your ass shaved!” Uh…have you ever MET a cat? Of any breed? They ALL hate that shit. Or the “my cat’s really affectionate, it’s because he’s a XXXXXX.” You know, they ARE living creatures, shaped by experiences and memories and some of it is really just differences in personality that can’t be explained by their genes. Sort of like people.

  140. 140
    Comrade Mary says:

    @Suzanne: If Cameron Diaz were a cat, she totally would have mauled John.

  141. 141
    muddy says:

    I think Maine Coons are greasier in the back end?

    John says he brushes him every night. Maybe a nice warm washcloth to complete his spa experience?

  142. 142
    cmm says:

    I shared this post with my partner and the following conversation occurred:

    J: why is he shaving his cats ass? If Steve is under 10 years old he will clean his own ass.

    Me: Well, john seems to be a little OCD when it comes to pet maintenance.

    J: OCD? like Ouch these Cuts Damn hurt?

    Me: …

    J: 50000 lesbians are going, is he nuts?

  143. 143
    chopper says:


    there are three ways to shave a cat’s ass. the right way, the wrong way, and the john cole way.

    but isn’t the john cole way the wrong way?

    yes, only bloodier.

  144. 144
  145. 145
    wasabi gasp says:

    This is a bit like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, in that I would not be climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in this life. Then I spent a half hour checking out trekking expeditions and realized there is a chance, albeit slim, that I may one day climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

  146. 146
    The Other Chuck says:

    @wasabi gasp: Both peaks?

  147. 147
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Pogonip: @schrodinger’s cat: Monty Python and the Holy Grail opening credits. Good lord, people.

  148. 148
    gbear says:


    “my cat’s really affectionate, it’s because he’s a XXXXXX.” You know, they ARE living creatures, shaped by experiences and memories and some of it is really just differences in personality that can’t be explained by their genes.

    I have two cats; a Tort and a Blue Russian. I’m not buying your argument.

  149. 149
    wasabi gasp says:

    @The Other Chuck: I thought there were three, but whatever, doesn’t matter…peaks before peeks.

  150. 150
    ruemara says:


    50000 lesbians are going, is he nuts?

    There’s a whole Jamerican contingent who are wondering the same thing.

  151. 151
    Corner Stone says:

    @Comrade Mary: Difference being, I would enjoy getting my self shredded in the attempt, in that case.

  152. 152
    jl says:

    It suddenly occurred to me that when Cole posts have titles like “Quick update” “Just checking in”, “‘Something happened”, “Trivial item from the Annals of Cole”, “Interesting Travel Incident” “My morning (or afternoon, or evening or night, or high tea today)” it’s usually something really weird and kind of icky or bizarre.

    I will prepare myself next time

    Yes, I am a might slow on the uptake.

  153. 153
    Lawrence says:

    I’m a bad person. I can’t stop laughing. The last time I dared inflicting major unwanted grooming on a cat was a bath I gave my black medium hair Tom because he got covered in transmission fluid avoiding a nasty dog by hiding under my POS Impala. One of Tom’s big fang teeth was broken in half. I never knew how. My niece picked him up by the head and dragged him around my apartment and he didn’t protest. He was a big furball. Years later my wife bathed our outdoor male, clawed, tuxedo cat. Because he was dusty. She didn’t know. Now she does. There was blood.

  154. 154
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @ruemara: It’s not like the vaguely WASPy heteros are behind him all the way on this. Nah, “are you nuts?” is the common human (and probably general mammalian reaction).

  155. 155
    OldDave says:


    But the seasons are usually months apart rather than hours

    Oh, that’s why I said “Road Repair” – as you say, with a hot/cold/hot/cold winter the roads take a beating. I was remembering an old calendar full of Minnesota quips (“State bird: the mosquito”) and I’m pretty sure one of them was the two seasons joke.

  156. 156
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @OldDave: Wisconsin has four seasons: Winter, Mosquito/Wood Tick, Road Repair, and Deer Hunting (divided in to bow season and gun season). The season do blend a bit, but long time residents can recognize the changes.

  157. 157
    Mnemosyne says:


    We used to have the same combo: Boris and Natasha. Boris probably had a chunk of Persian in him as well, so he was even more affectionate and loyal than a normal Russian Blue.

    He was pain in the butt to groom, though. We would brush and brush and brush and the undercoat just wouldn’t stop.

  158. 158
    Ruckus says:

    Either you are new here or you don’t get out much.

  159. 159
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Ruckus: Few people are expecting German scheisse/cutter pr0n when they come to this site. I, for one, don’t know that is the case, but it is.

  160. 160
    Kier Salmon says:

    I shave my cat’s ass several times a year. She’s a long hair and she hates the taste of her own waste… so she won’t clean it.
    Stinky Kitty in my bed? No. I do it by stages, for about five minutes at a time, once she gets really upset I let her go, vacuum up the debris and do some more the next day.

  161. 161
    Mike in Oly says:

    I know this is so far down you’ll never see it, John, but in case you do – try taking him out of his home to do the intimate and necessary work of deep and personal grooming that occasional shaving involves. We have a female version of Steve and she will not allow ANY invasion of her person that doesn’t meet her stringent approval. But for some reason, at the vet’s office she is like playdoh – you can do anything to her and she will suffer in silence. Worth a shot!

    Here’s a shot of our Miss Gracie: starrhillfarm.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/junebug-gracie.jpg

  162. 162
    John Revolta says:

    Belt sander. Duh.

  163. 163
    HeartlandLiberal says:

    Not necessary to shave, for $DEITY’s sake. Just trim the fur with scissors.

    Those of you wondering why John was doing this have clearly never owned a Maine Coon, and had to clean up the mess when poop gets embedded in the massive ruff of fur that will develop on their rear end and down the back of their rather larger rear legs.

    Having been there, I sympathize.

    But shaving? Still wondering where that idea came from. Just a trim, please, John.

  164. 164
    Manyakitty says:

    @trollhattan: A moose once bit my sister.

  165. 165
    Manyakitty says:

    Also, I bathe my cats on the semi-regular, in the tub, using the shower sprayer. All three have claws. They’re not thrilled when it happens, but now they face bath day with what I can only describe as grim resignation. Important last step: LOTS of nip.

  166. 166
    danielx says:

    Dying thread, but worth noting – “cat’s ass” is an actual expression denoting surpassing excellence, the best, the finest.

    Two girls discussing another very well dressed girl:
    “And did you see her shoes?”
    “I did. Cat’s ass.”

  167. 167
    Tokyokie says:

    Late to the thread, so you might not see this, but a tip my vet gave me about bathing cats is to wrap their feet in masking tap beforehand. It temporarily disables their claws, doesn’t hurt them, and because they’ll be busy removing the tape after the bath, by the time they’re done, they’re pretty much air-dried. I’m guessing the same trick would work should you feel the urge to shave your cat’s ass, which I never have felt.

  168. 168
    Manyakitty says:

    @Tokyokie: Interesting! I usually just scruff them.

  169. 169
    BubbaDave says:

    I can’t believe nobody mentioned that this post puts the “cat ass” in “catastrophe.”

  170. 170
    ET says:

    Oh jebeus, I wish that was on video…….

  171. 171
    russell says:

    i’m never getting a cat. that is all.

Comments are closed.