A Poem


Long time readers know that I would love to be followed all day long by back-up singers to accentuate my brilliance at appropriate times with snazzy dance moves and background vocals (think John Cole and the Pips), but I may be convinced to be followed by a poet ala a Knight’s Tale after seeing this from BrucefromOhio:

Steve, he’s Maine Coon
To me, he’s the best boon
Shave, I would try soon
Though I might die soon

Now he’s not like the last cat
Who was, oh, so mostly white and fat
But le maintenance delicat
Brings out the best of any cat

Please don’t, don’t, don’t
Feel I’m not aware of that
Please don’t, don’t, don’t
Swear and bleed because of that
Shaving the ass of my pu$$y cat

I should remain clear of thee
Treats and nip and coverlet
Insufficient to cover it
Pink skin, my wounds are legion
From trying to shave your nether region

I could totally get into all of my idiotic exploits and residential disasters being turned into verse.

Also too, if you haven’t already, don’t forget to pick up your Pets of Balloon Juice calendar for 2014.

51 replies
  1. 1
    wmd says:

    You want more of that? John are you +4 or higher?

  2. 2
    trollhattan says:

    Gotta admit, that was sufficiently mint for front-paging. Golf claps all around, and let’s have a nice iphone pic of Steve’s baboon butt (focus optional).

  3. 3
    danielx says:

    Limericks. I want limericks.

    There once was a man named Cole
    Whose pets made him play a role…

    Nope, can’t do it.

  4. 4
  5. 5
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    Cole, have you started drinking again? Not judging; just asking.

  6. 6
    danielx says:

    PS – having had some experience along these lines with Eric the Magnificent, let me offer a piece of advice.

    Come shaving time of the cat’s ass or anywhere else, take the animal to the fucking vet. Either that or have lots of drugs on hand (for yourself). Jesus, after seeing those pics of Tunch in a straitjacket (and assorted disasters involving bodily injuries), you’d think Cole would know better by now.

  7. 7
    NotMax says:

    Stop drinking that West Virginia water. Stat.

  8. 8
    Yatsuno says:

    Rosie looks…cowered. I didn’t think that was possible for a JRT.

  9. 9
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Yatsuno: There was ass shaving earlier in the evening. I would give the girl a break.

  10. 10
    BGinCHI says:

    so much depends

    a red wheel

    glazed with rain

    I tried to shave

    ass. No. No.

    Bad kitty. Fuck.
    Son of a


  11. 11
    LesGS says:

    You need professional help, John.

    No, not for your mental condition. For accessing your cat’s nether regions for grooming purposes. I have a 26 pound (yes, he’s overweight, but he does have a waist, gorram it) Maine Coon. And while he’s extremely mellow, no way would I personally take clippers to his behindular zone. Take him to a groomer and ask for a “line cut.” Be careful to enunciate “LINE,” so as to only have his undercarriage trimmed. If the groomer hears “LION cut” you will get back a cat with a mane-like ruff and a tuft on the end of his tail and a short plush body. Which is what I ask for in the summer here in San Diego, but which is totally inappropriate for winter in West Virginia.

  12. 12
    The Dangerman says:

    There once was a man named Cole
    I’ve heard he voted for Dole
    He shaved his cat’s butts
    And barely survived all the cuts…

  13. 13
    piratedan says:

    there was a kindly young gent named Cole
    Who needed to shave his kitty’s hole
    when he whipped out the clippers
    Steve brandished his rippers
    now Cole is missing a few moles

  14. 14
    seaboogie says:

    “Which one of these adult bladder leakage products is worth what I pay?”…with a list of brands such as Depends appeared on a Neilson survey just below John’s post. Either they figure that the BJ demographic is skewing older, or that John Cole and his followers are just completely falling apart. That said, I need to invest in “pee pads” for my elderly kitty who is sometimes incontinent in my bed. And a moisture-proof matress cover, also too. Garbage bags under the towels that she sleeps on are a short-term solution.

  15. 15
    Jean says:

    I ordered two calendars. All four of my pets are in it, but I’d still get the calendar even if they weren’t. It’s great to see so many photos of loved pets in one place.

  16. 16
    sfinny says:

    OK, this and the other thread have been amazing. Sitting here waiting for a possible e-mail to forward for work and the whole “who shaves a cat’s ass” has me laughing. Of course I understand the problem too well having had many long-haired cats. But the poem was wonderful.

    ETA: Also the limericks.

  17. 17
  18. 18
    Alison says:

    Super sadness from my local animal shelter – a couple months back, they’d taken in this poor stray little doggie who was just tore up – skinny, scared, bad mange, all sick and dirty and stuff. But they just loved the hell out of her, got her tons of care at the local animal hospital, shots, meds, cleaned her up, and she was getting more comfortable around the other animals and people and such. They were hoping to get her adopted soon.

    But then last night she had a seizure, and they took her to the emergency vet…but they couldn’t save her :( :( I never even met this pup but it just broke my heart. The shelter staff did everything they could, they were total angels. Poor little girl…

    So go hug your pets everyone!! I annoyed my cat with squeezes when I found out.

  19. 19
    🎂 Martin says:

    I still have no idea why you would shave your cats ass.

  20. 20
    piratedan says:

    @🎂 Martin: shave no…. clip off relentless dingleberries that attach themselves like barnacles to the hull of a ship, yes…..

    perhaps this is a regional terminology/vocabulary usage conflict?

  21. 21
    Yatsuno says:

    @Alison: Awwes…that’s always rough. Hugs to ya.

  22. 22
    LesGS says:

    @🎂 Martin: I would never shave my cat’s ass. I pay someone else to do it.

  23. 23
    something fabulous says:

    OMG, best picture of Rosie EVAR. Swoon.

  24. 24
    joel hanes says:


    (focus optional)

    focus vigorously discouraged considered harmful.

  25. 25
    Mnemosyne says:


    With stuff like that I always remember what WereBear says about animals: they live in the now almost exclusively. So you and the other shelter workers can at least have the comfort of knowing that you were able to make her now as happy and secure as you could, even if it didn’t last very long in human terms.

  26. 26
    Mnemosyne says:

    @🎂 Martin:

    You mean why “you” a general person would shave your cat’s ass, or why “you” the comically accident-prone John Cole would try to do it?

  27. 27
    YellowJournalism says:

    Rosie’s all: “Damn. He got me.”

  28. 28
    🎂 Martin says:

    @Mnemosyne: General person, though piratedan gives a reason. Still, I’d pay the groomer the $20 to do it. Cole should definitely pay the groomer.

  29. 29
    max says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Cole, have you started drinking again? Not judging; just asking.

    I was thinking that back when he fell off the curb.

    @🎂 Martin: I still have no idea why you would shave your cats ass.

    Cats do occasionally need to be trimmed when they have something tangled in their fur. In this case, presumably dingleberries or something. A pair of scissors (wielded carefully due to cat skin being different from human skin) should do it, an electric trimmer at worst (noting that the noise drives them bonkers) and never ever any kind of razor. Razors will carve large chunks out of cat skin without getting the hair. (They do use razors during surgery – knock the cat out, trim the hair around the target area very very close, and then, sometimes, shave just around the incision.)

    [‘I have never had to shave Cicero’s ass, even though he is a maine coon. I have occasionally had to trim knots, but usually you can just brush pull them out.’]

  30. 30
    mai naem says:

    Rosie looks like an angel in this pic. Like almost Steve scratched her up too. Also, why the hell would you want to shave your cat’s ass? Also also too, what happened to your car?

  31. 31
    Alison says:

    @Mnemosyne: Very true. (Just for clarity’s sake, I don’t work at the shelter. I was only acquainted with the pup through their Facebook posts.)

  32. 32
    opiejeanne says:

    @Yatsuno: did you see the clip with audio of that butt pat and shove between Sherman and Crabtree? They were both miked and the angle is one I hadn’t seen before. Sherman says, “hell of a game” to Crabtree and sticks his hand out to shake hands with Crabtree and gets shoved.

    Granted, that’s not exactly the best timing but I did find it surprising.

  33. 33
    opiejeanne says:

    @Yatsuno: did you see the clip with audio of that butt pat and shove between Sherman and Crabtree? They were both miked and the angle is one I hadn’t seen before. Sherman says, “hell of a game” to Crabtree and sticks his hand out to shake hands with Crabtree and gets shoved.

    Granted, that’s not exactly the best timing but I did find it surprising.

  34. 34
    opiejeanne says:

    Sorry about the double post.

  35. 35
    Calming influence says:

    Kitty words, from my defunct blog:

    Waking Up On The Couch With A Cat On My Head Haiku
    Your sandpaper tongue
    rips off my epidermis.
    I need a beer.

    Bumped, so as not to be lost in the copious comments…
    …a truly awesome Cat Haiku from teh l4m3

    Little tortoiseshell,
    Cool-eyed, with claws like needles,
    Gophers are your job.

    Manly Cat Lover Haiku
    Your bowl is empty
    and you stare daggers at me.
    You should get a job.

    Haiku to a Kitten
    It would be quite nice
    if you would not bite my toes.
    It’s fucking painful.

    To my furry friend Trinidad:
    You think you’re pretty fancy
    with those see-in-the-dark eyes,
    but I know what you’re up to;
    don’t give me your kitty-cat lies.

    So buying a fucking calender is going to kill you?!? Get off my internets!

  36. 36
    grishaxxx says:

    All lyrics fking brilliant – not EVEN gonna try! Ur blessed, Cole!

  37. 37
    sm*t cl*de says:

    I may be convinced to be followed by a poet ala a Knight’s Tale

    Somehow the Minstrel in the closing credits of Blackadder II comes to mind.

  38. 38

    Well, doesn’t that just shave the cats ass. I am honored, Monsieur Cole.

    @Calming influence:

    Your bowl is empty
    and you stare daggers at me.
    You should get a job.

    Thanks, be confident that in the middle of some many meetings today, there *will* be questions about the grinning/smirking/smiling.

  39. 39

    And credit commenter kc for ‘le maintenance delicat‘, which sort of co-inspired the lauding.

  40. 40
    gogol's wife says:

    Great poem!

  41. 41
    Jay C says:

    @sm*t cl*de:

    Or the guys who followed Brave Sir Robin around in MPATHG…….

  42. 42

    Steve’s Poem:

    He had it coming

    I had human
    But I eated him
    He was nutritious and delicious
    Just like chicken
    Why you ask?
    He came at me with with a razor
    To try and shave my butt

  43. 43
    wuzzat says:

    There once was a sweet Maine Coon kitty
    Whose rear end had got kind of shitty.
    When his foolhardy human
    Decided to groom him
    The resulting bloodshed wasn’t pretty.


    To his pets, Cole is one in a million.
    Ask and they’ll happily fill you in.
    But when blade met behind,
    Steve said, “Man’s lost his mind!
    I’m a Maine Coon cat, not a Brazilian!

  44. 44
    Paul in KY says:


    He tried to shave the cat’s ass
    It responded with a big slash
    and his knuckle now has a hole

    (done in less than a minute)

  45. 45
    Elizabelle says:

    @Calming influence:

    You are both talented wordsmiths. Thank you for the poem and haikus.

    And that’s a great pic of Miss Rosie.

  46. 46
    chopper says:

    Nude mopp, nude mopp

  47. 47
    Calming influence says:

    @chopper: For. The. Win. And thanks, so much, for another mental image episode of Cole housecleaning…

  48. 48
    chopper says:


    there once was a man named john cole
    who tried to shave his cat’s asshole
    the cat said O RLY?
    now his body lies lifeless and cold

  49. 49
    ET says:

    In that picture Rosie look puny compared to Steve.

  50. 50
    another Mildred says:

    Me, I’m sitting here with a shit-assed Newfoundland enjoying all the comments. 10x the animal (she clocks in at 120 lbs.) It’s a load of fur, and a load of…mess: she ate a bag of cat food.

    Although she enjoys baths, I dislike (intensely!) cleaning the tub when we’re done, and it makes my back hurt. So I let the snow, and herself clean herself. Or just wrap my arm in a wet towel and scrub.

    When I can afford it, I bring her to the groomer and get what they call a “hygienic clip”. Basically an upside-down saddle shaped trimming of the area in question. But you need a good groomer, since Newfs have a lot of loose skin.

  51. 51

    @another Mildred: I love Newfs, they are such gentle giants.

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