Cat Physics

I am feeling the most mellow and relaxed I’ve been in months. I’m seriously melting into the chair as I drink tea, and I’ve spent the last few hours just relaxing and petting the animals.

UNTIL THE GREEN FOG OF DOOM WAFTED FROM STEVE’S ROOM INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND DAMNED NEAR KILLED EVERYONE.

Seriously, before Stephen Hawkings shuffles off the mortal coil, I hope he can explain how Steve can turn a couple ounces of what I think is pretty good wet food into FIVE FUCKING POUNDS OF SHIT PACKED WITH MUSTARD GAS? How the fuck does he do it? How does this happen? Why does this happen? I know you all have all linked all the stories about cats being dicks and that they don’t actually love me, but with this kind of fraud going, you think there would be at least some sort of evolution towards less stinky shit so these cunning freeloading asshole cats could further ingratiate themselves to us. Like that is even necessary.

Should I start feeding him a couple ounces of gold bullion and then smelt his excrement for a 30x gain in precious metals? I mean, that is how it works, right? Whatever goes in comes out thirty fold accompanied by a noxious gas, right?

Also, I don’t remember the last time someone mentioned a blog post and not only did I read it, but I lost four hours reading everything in the archives, but this website is one of them. This guy is fucking great and writes with a clarity and warm descriptiveness that makes you, the reader, feel like you are inside his head, experiencing the same emotions. Read this description of the loss of his beloved cat Banana, and then say goodbye to a couple hours as you read everything he has ever written.

And it is totally ok to cry.






36 replies
  1. 1
    Culture of Truth says:

    Should I start feeding him a couple ounces of gold bullion and then smelt his excrement for a 30x gain in precious metals?

    ShitCoin

  2. 2
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    Just love the fucking animals if you love them.

  3. 3
    Gex says:

    One problem my Maine Coon would have is that the bacteria in his system would get off balance and he’d have some really foul smelling bowel movements. If this is happening consistently, you may want to have your vet check a stool sample.

    On the other hand, my Simon could drop a deuce so foul we thought we’d have to move even when he was fit as a fiddle.

  4. 4
    Big R says:

    I take it as a challenge when one of mine does this. The goal is to be even fouler.

    I wonder if this has something to do with why my relationships never last.

  5. 5
    Kay (not the front-pager) says:

    You might try limited-ingredient, no-grain food. My shockingly large Maine Coon(ish) cats were making changing the litter box pure hell until I changed their food. Plus, the small kitty gained a little weight and the big one lost a little weight.

  6. 6
    ruemara says:

    @Culture of Truth: win.

    @ jc. My Takkun could not handle too much wet, it made him the source of all stank. You may want to rethink wet for Steve. A good dry and maybe less than half a serving of wet once a day. Dry diet really helped, along with a mature gut.

  7. 7
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    The place where I’m cat sitting has a cat window in the kitchen that leads to an enclosure outside that resembles nothing as much as a chicken coop attached to the house. The two cats go out there to eat and use the litter boxes. I never smell a thing.

    Until now it seemed to work pretty well. However: The kitchen is the bottom floor of three, on a hilll, in a woodsy area, and the coop/cat house is kind of jury-rigged out of two by fours and chicken wire. The other day I saw one of the cats outside, and noticed that the framing around the window had pulled away from the house a little, and just as I went closer to investigate, here came a skunk heading right for it. He raised his tail, I took a step back, he took a step back, and we managed to avoid any unpleasantness. Or so I thought.

    I reattached the wood the best I could, being a good carpenter but with no tools to speak of. This morning however the kitchen was a shambles, things knocked off the shelf and a bag of sliced almonds scattered throughout not only the kitchen but halfway up the stairs to the ground floor, and my baguette that I was looking forward to having for breakfast missing entirely. Outside I found the bag, right from where I’d seen the skunk emerge.

    So I spent an hour today sealing all the gaps, armed only with scraps of wood, drywall screws, and a screwdriver. Fingers crossed for tonight.

  8. 8
    Suffern ACE says:

    Maybe he’s trying to tell you to make him tuna jello pie or spam and lima beans.

  9. 9
    jl says:

    Thanks to Cole for link, looks like a good blog.

    To provide some balance, saw an article today about research on why it’s a good idea to have a damn dirty dog wandering around if you have kids. Seems like they do in fact reduce chance of kid developing asthma, and they think they’ve discovered the damn dirty germs that do the trick.

    Research Shows How Household Dogs Protect Against Asthma, Infection
    http://www.ucsf.edu/news/2013/.....-infection

  10. 10
    jl says:

    @Suffern ACE: Thanks for the warning. I didn’t make it past the Perfection Salad, which looked truly scary. Kind of like a Jabba the Hut with transparent skin.

    Edit: regarding stinky Steve poo, maybe Cole should try to introduce him to the healthful slimming diet of Tunch, IIRC, that was fresh dew from the grass, and few sips of nectar from pretty flowers once in awhile. I remember that right, don”t I?

  11. 11
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    A friend had a half maine coon who was the stinkiest cat I’ve ever met. She tried all sorts of food alteration, pills, etc until one day a vet said ‘hey, maybe your cat is allergic to fish oil! there’s fish oil in almost all cat foods!’ she switched his food to a non-fish oil variety and POOF no more stink bombs.

  12. 12
    srv says:

    Maybe Steve found the mustard and is snorting it.

  13. 13
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @srv: That would account for the MUSTARD GAS.

  14. 14
    Suzanne says:

    @Kay (not the front-pager): Costco just came out with a grain-free kitty formula. I am a huge Costco fan and have been feeding our dog the grain-free stuff, and it has seriously knocked out her ass bombs.

  15. 15
    Justin says:

    Why do we put up with the smell of their shit? The sunk cost fallacy. After we’ve scooped it a bunch of times, we’re stuck waiting for some amount of feline love to balance the scales, to justify all the shit we put up with. And we never get it. We never do. The cunning bastards always make sure we’re underwater on our emotional mortgage.

  16. 16
    hamletta says:

    @Suzanne: That’s great to hear. Doggies are down with grains, but kitties are pure carnivores. Grains don’t agree with them.

  17. 17
    Emerald says:

    You should get the kitty sheiß checked by your vet. Giardia causes extremely smelly sheiß, and it’s a fairly common parasite.

  18. 18
    Ruckus says:

    That is a good blog.
    I notice that another of his cats, Chip, has passed, back in November. Here’s the thing, Peter doesn’t have cats, he has castoffs, those animals that others can’t seemingly be bothered with. It’s like resurrecting winos off skid row. It’s not that he sees something in them, it’s that he just gives them a chance, and a place. We all need that place, that little patch we can call home. Sometimes we can provide that for ourselves, sometimes we have to find that with someone. He’s one of those someones.

  19. 19
    wasabi gasp says:

    Occasionally we give our cat some of this Fortiflora powder for her digestive system. We put it in a bowl by itself and she laps it right up. The stinky poos is a sign that she might be due for some.

  20. 20
    sm*t cl*de says:

    The thing about cat digestion is that evolution optimised it for speed rather than thoroughness. They work on the philosophy that it is better to unburden yourself of gut contents — even if not fully digested — and be lighter while you’re out killing something else. So as any Labrador will tell you, cat crap is full of nutritious goodness.* There is lots for their gut flora to work on.

    * Don’t ask for recipes. Real survivalists don’t share recipes with potential competitors.

  21. 21
    Jozef says:

    Wet food is generally better for cats. Dry food is about convenience for owners. Cats don’t tend to be big drinkers, probably because they evolved in desert climates and derived most of their moisture from their diet – hence so many urinary and kidney problems when fed dry food. And don’t buy the cheap stuff, you wouldn’t eat it either.

  22. 22
    Comrade Mary says:

    @srv: OMG WIN.

    Do not meddle in the affairs of cat-alchemists, for they are not in the least bit fucking subtle and will leave you gagging and heaving for hours.

    (You got lost in Watts, eh? I believe you were there for hours, but no, you have not yet read everything on his site. Because of the way his site is laid out, you may not have found his sardonic and biting (sorry) explanation of vampire evolution, completely sparkle free. It is meant as background to one of his depressing but brilliant SF novels, one of the complete works that is absolutely free to download here, although dropping a few bucks in the Niblet Memorial Kibble Fund is always a lovely option.)

  23. 23
    sm*t cl*de says:

    before Stephen Hawkings shuffles off the mortal coil,
    I do not want to think about Hawkins’ mortal coils. He has a nurse to deal with those.

    Should I start feeding him a couple ounces of gold bullion and then smelt his excrement for a 30x gain in precious metals? I mean, that is how it works, right? Whatever goes in comes out thirty fold accompanied by a noxious gas, right?

    It’s alchemy indeed, but just smelting the crap (I see what you do there) is not enough. There are umpteen stages in the crucible:

    The phase of Blackening which usually marked the beginning of the work, was brought about either by heating the prima materia in the process of Calcination (the ‘dry way’ of the alchemists), or by the process of Putrefaction, a slow rotting or digestion over a period of weeks or months (the so-called ‘wet way’). The Black Crow or Raven was often associated with this Calcination, for on vigorous heating the calcined material would usually carbonise and layers would flake off and move like a crow’s wings in the flask. The Toad was a better symbol of the Putrefaction, the decaying mass slowly pulsating and shifting as gasses were given off, while the substance rotted down to a black mass. Another symbol of this stage was the dragon, a familiar inhabitant of the alchemists flasks. The dragon is however a more complex symbol and is also used when winged as a symbol for the spiritualising of the earthly substance. Thus to the alchemists the dragon appeared at the beginning and at the end of the work.

    There is a lot more of this, and I have not even started in the Emerald Lion Devouring the Sun.

  24. 24
    furklempt says:

    Two months ago I switched both cats and both dogs to a raw diet and the dogs’ vet said I could look forward to much less poop. I had read, in my research, that I could expect similar from the cats, with the added benefit of less stink.

    I am not being hyperbolic in the least when I say that there is NO SMELL. I’ve finally even been able to stop using scented litter, which is something I’ve always wanted to do but, with two cats who insist on using only one box even where multiples are available, it’s never been a (human) comfortable option.

    Sincerely. Their shit does not stink. I mean, I guess it would if I really got up in there and sniffed, but no more room evacuation. It is amazing. For real.

  25. 25

    @sm*t cl*de: This is why I look forward to reading the comments here, diamonds just scattered casually on the sand.

  26. 26
    ThresherK says:

    Anyone else think of J H Kellogg (Anthony Hopkins) in ‘The Road to Wellville’?

    “My own stools, Sir, are gigantic and have no more odor than a hot biscuit.”

  27. 27
    Manyakitty says:

    You’d think by now I’d know better than to read that kind of stuff at work. Silent desk tears…

  28. 28
    Citizen_X says:

    @Justin:

    Why do we put up with the smell of their shit? The sunk cost fallacy. After we’ve scooped it a bunch of times, we’re stuck waiting for some amount of feline love to balance the scales, to justify all the shit we put up with. And we never get it. We never do. The cunning bastards always make sure we’re underwater on our emotional mortgage.

    Isn’t this the speech from Twelve Angry Cat Owners?

  29. 29
    captnkurt says:

    “Wet food” my ass, it was Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, ADMIT IT!

    Seriously, read the epic customer reviews (especially the German date one). Having had similar gastric apocalypses with sugarless pudding, the reviewers are in no way exaggerating.

  30. 30
    Joey Giraud says:

    some sort of evolution towards less stinky shit so these cunning freeloading asshole cats could further ingratiate themselves to us.

    Evolution works best with a class of predators to cull the herd.

    You now have your marching orders.

    ( not a big cat fan, obviously )

  31. 31
    Comrade Mary says:

    @Ruckus: The dude even has a dying pigeon closet. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. (A Christmas story about a pigeon in a drug store with some intense pictures.)

    I got him home, set him up in the walk-in closet we generally use for such things. (The last pigeon we had in there had some kind of neurological disorder; lasted a couple of weeks and died in mid-spasm, spraying an arc of birdseed across Caitlin’s shoes).

    When somebody saves some poor mangled critter once and has a useful spot for it to stay in warmth and comfort until it dies, that makes them a good person. A dedicated dying pigeon closet makes someone a DAMN good person.

  32. 32
    gogol's wife says:

    We get a probiotic powder from the vet that we put in Louis’ food. He’s much more regular and much less stinky now.

  33. 33
    The Pale Scot says:

    JC, I sent you a short message about Fatheads of your pets.

  34. 34
    The Pale Scot says:

    @jl: Great pic at the article.

  35. 35
    Sam says:

    Switch to a raw food diet (my cats get ground up chicken and when I can get it rabbit).

    It’s great for them and the bonus side effect is that their poop is very concentrated and has a very minimal smell.

    I shit you not.

  36. 36
    Bonnie says:

    Feed him Iams. It really does do what it says. However, my cats grew tired of it. Still, I had about three years of less odiferous cat poop. It really helped with the cat who seemed obligated to poop just as I had settled into my bath for nice relaxing time. I actually started keeping a book of matches by the bath to strike after he pooped, which would clear the air some. Learned the match trick from a pediatric nurse.

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