Important issues concerning my lawn and your presence upon it

la_vielle_aux_loques-large

I love my iThings, but the iMessage bug is making me grumpier than a bulldog with one ball.

I use iMessage to chat with my lovely friend Sandra during the day.

At the moment our conversations seem to consist of three or four messages in a row from me (as I realise that none of the messages I sent in the last hour have been delivered, turn iMessage off, reset my network settings, turn iMessage on, and resend the messages that don’t, upon reflection, sound dumb, stoned or needy); followed about ten minutes later by seventeen from Sandra (as she realises that none of her messages have been delivered, stares at her phone in puzzlement for a good six, seven minutes, turns iMessage off, resets her fucking network settings, turns iMessage on, and then resends every single message because self-editing is not amongst Sandra’s skills); followed by one message from me responding to whatever actual content there was in Sandra’s messages; followed by about two dozen from Sandra explaining how she’s changed her mind about three quarters of the stuff she said in her first lot of messages; followed by a few minutes of normal chatting, an hour’s gap, and repeat.

It’s exhausting.

Also, young people.

Young men should stop wearing their jeans so tight it distorts their buttocks and makes them pointy and lumpy at the top and all flat at the bottom so it looks like they go down to their knees, because no girl really wants to fuck a boy who looks like he has a pointy, tumorous, shelf-bum. And they should either shave or grown a beard, none of this manky tufts in odd places and lines shaved into the side and a mustache that looks like they knitted it out of their nose hair and cat dander. I’m in Hong Kong this month, and I swear, dears, if I find myself stuck on the footpath behind one more kiddie who’s walking, wearing headphones, head down and typing on a Samsung, I’m going to push the little shit under a bus.

Also, too, Republicans. Dickheads.

[James Abbott McNeill Whistler (1834-1903) – La Vielle aux loques]






44 replies
  1. 1
    mai naem says:

    I was watching Morning Ho today. Donny Deutch called Ted Cruz the Honey Boo Boo of Congress. Thought that was pretty appropriate and funny.

  2. 2
    gussie says:

    I used to love my iThings and now I hate them because iTunes and iCloud and AppleID all the other iShit that keeps glomming onto me and preventing me from doing what I want.

  3. 3
    Betty Cracker says:

    Goddamned iMessage! Glad it’s not just me. For awhile I was receiving my teenager’s messages (not the ones to me, ones intended for her and from her to others!) and vice versa, and while it was fascinating (like a demented, virtual “Freaky Friday”), we all agreed to turn off and stomp our iThingies until it all went away. Living in a multigenerational household is easier without that level of insight into one another’s lives.

  4. 4
    Belafon says:

    @Betty Cracker: That’s sounds like an awesome idea for an after school special if they still existed.

  5. 5
    moonbat says:

    Totally agree about the too tight pants on young men’s butts as well. Grump, grump, harumph!

  6. 6
    Keith P. says:

    I see people walking around with tight jeans that have the thighs faded. I’m assuming that’s distressed jeans, but what I can’t get is what kind of wear they’re trying to represent. In a normal lifetime of jeans, how would someone wear out the front of the thighs?

  7. 7
    Big R says:

    @Keith P.: Office-worker with anxiety disorder. Sit at desk, rub sweaty palms on thighs.

  8. 8
    jayjaybear says:

    @Keith P.: That’s because nobody has time to try to faux-up something in an authentic way anymore. It’s like antique scammers who artificially simulate wear in random places instead of places where it would actually occur. “Let’s get this done and out the door! We’ve got 5000 more to do today!”

    I mean, I could see wear on the shins and knees (not that it would send the message the wearer probably WANTS to send (although that’s not something I’d be sure about, either, in certain circles)).

  9. 9
    Peej says:

    I don’t use iMessage, but IMO, the new ios7 interface stinks. If I wanted cartoony colors, I would have bought crayons.

  10. 10
    Trinity says:

    Needed this.

    Keep on trippin’ Grandma.

  11. 11
    RobertDSC-iPhone 4 says:

    I want an iPhone 5s, but hate iOS 7. Bleh.

  12. 12
    Cassidy says:

    Guys should never wear skinny jeans. Period.

    Speaking of being found attractive and standards of beauty, I heard this lovely lady on my Outlaw Punk podcast this morning and while I couldn’t find Pink, which was relly awesome and I’m still looking for it, I did find Pretty on youtube (the above link) and it’s really good.

  13. 13
    Keith P. says:

    @jayjaybear: I always let my Levis naturally wear out. All I get on mine are general fading, frayed hemlines around the ankles, and some extra wear at the opening to the pockets.

  14. 14
    R-Jud says:

    @Keith P.: Rolling cigars on their thighs, like a bunch of hipster Carmens.

  15. 15
    gbear says:

    @Keith P.: When I was in suburban midwest high school in the early 70’s (which meant we were finally picking up on mutated versions of trends that had happened on the coasts in 67), the cool thing to do was randomly splash bleach on a new pair of blue jeans so that the ‘distress’ was random and radical. My depression-era dad would go nuts when I did this.

  16. 16
    WereBear says:

    I dunno what the rest of you are doing; my jeans wear out on the seat and the front of the thighs, because I spend most of my time online with a Chromebook…

  17. 17
    Randy P says:

    Haven’t noticed the tight pants thing. But since you can take it for granted we old farts are grumping about baggy ones. If I started also grumping about tight pants I’d have to wonder about just how far into curmudgeonhood I’d gone.

  18. 18
    Amir Khalid says:

    When I’m out and about, it’s partly to get away from my devices. I have an AMD powered Lenovo laptop. I don’t need a tablet to carry around, and I doubt I’ll ever want a smartphone.

    @Keith P.:
    I have, and still wear, jeans that are about 18 years old. At that age, they will have faded quite a bit more at the thighs and seat than elsewhere.

  19. 19
    AdamK says:

    I can think of a few ways to wear out my thighs, but it isn’t something I would care to discuss.

  20. 20
    jeffreyw says:

    Lemme bitch about Verizon call blocking. Only block 5 numbers? And do it again in 90 days? How about this: “Press 666 to block the last number. Caution, this will send the last caller to hell on the next attempt.” [Note – new 6 replacement keys are presently on back order.}

  21. 21
    Randy P says:

    @jeffreyw: Heh. I’m reminded of a short story called “One-Click Banishment” I read a few years ago that involved something similar. One moral of the story: you should always read your End User License Agreement.

  22. 22

    @Randy P:

    One moral of the story: you should always read your End User License Agreement.

    Duh! Who do you think writes those things? I don’t know. I can’t think. Could it be … Satan?

  23. 23
    fuddmain says:

    The coffee shop I frequent gets a fair number of hipster patrons. I realize I sound like a cranky old bastard, but I don’t get the whole I-slept-in-a-dumpster chic that most of them have going.

    Don’t get me started on the tattoos. One dude that comes in has a tattoo of a cockroach on his arm. Not a stylized cockroach, or a cartoon cockroach. A lifelike cockroach. If it wasn’t for the fact it’s bigger than the typical Florida roach (which is saying something) you’d try to slap it off his arm. Then there’s the girl with half an avocado tattooed on her arm. That’s it, no words like “Fucking Avocados! Hell Yeah!”, just half an avocado. I want to ask if she comes from a long line of avocado farmers.

    Now I’m off to go drive real slow with my blinker on and buy some pants that I can hoist up to my nipples.

  24. 24

    @Cassidy:

    Guys should never wear skinny jeans. Period

    Nor should most women

  25. 25

    @jeffreyw: How is Homer and crew, has he been a good kitteh?

  26. 26
    polyorchnid octopunch says:

    @jayjaybear: The one that kills me are the distressed guitars. The wear on my guitar was earned by a lot of hours of practice and playing over the past thirty years.

    It’s like they think that a few passes with a belt sander makes it all the same instead of earning that wear by playing the instrument. Really really dumb imho.

  27. 27
    Tone in DC says:

    Young men should stop wearing their jeans so tight it distorts their buttocks and makes them pointy and lumpy at the top and all flat at the bottom so it looks like they go down to their knees, because no girl really wants to fuck a boy who looks like he has a pointy, tumorous, shelf-bum.

    I had to laugh at this, because, now that I’m in my forties (I don’t demand these danged kids get off my lawn, I am actually a bit worse than that) I am amazed at what some of these younger people are wearing. Not just the jeans, or the pants in general. Most of this so-called fashion.

    I heartily agree that if you don’t have the body for snug and/or revealing clothing, then please spare the rest of us the sight of your inglorious self. The 400 pound girl in the fluorescent pink running tights? The guy with the 48 inch waist at the pool, wearing a Speedo? Just say no to the wardrobe dysfunction. I admit I’m a bit heavy myself, so I definitely include myself in these guidelines.

    Do not get me started on the damned ink. Nor the piercings.

  28. 28
    catclub says:

    @fuddmain: Be sure to wear a hat while driving.

  29. 29
    jeffreyw says:

    @schrodinger’s cat: Homer is a terrorist kitteh and has everyone pissed. Here’s Bitsy, instead.

  30. 30
    gbear says:

    @fuddmain: I live in a relatively non-hipster neighborhood but there are now more tattoo parlors along the main drive (West 7th Street) than there are liquor stores. If I were a less indecisive person I’d probably have one too, but I’m really glad I made it through my 30s and 40s without taking the plunge. You need to have your whole arm tattooed in order to stand out around here.

    A large old brewery behind my house is being converted into hundreds of artist lofts, so this neighborhood is about to turn into a hipster playground. I’m just hoping that we get a decent local bakery in the deal.

  31. 31
  32. 32
    Cassidy says:

    @schrodinger’s cat: I still wear boot cut.

  33. 33
    2liberal says:

    so mistermix is ripping off DougJ’s name schtick and now you are posting old paintings a la Tom Levenson. Maybe all the front pagers are becoming the same now?

  34. 34

    @2liberal: They are all DougJ and so are we.

  35. 35
    Mike in NC says:

    We live in a beach town, so especially in the summer you get to see all the tattoos. Teenage girls with tramp stamps and ink all up and down their backs and legs, etc. It’s really kinda creepy on the leathery old biker broads whose tattoos are so faded you can’t even make out what they’re supposed to be.

  36. 36
    Cassidy says:

    girls with tramp stamps and ink all up and down their backs and legs,

    Which is usually a lovely sight to behold.

  37. 37
    Sophist says:

    It’s really kinda creepy on the leathery old biker broads whose tattoos are so faded you can’t even make out what they’re supposed to be.

    You’re kind of an asshole.

  38. 38

    A moustache knitted from nose hair? I remember that Don Martin cartoon….

  39. 39
    Trollhattan says:

    @jeffreyw:

    Yeah this, a thousand times this. Bastards.

    IIUC future Android versions will give native unlimited call blocking, but I can’t recall if I read that or dreamed it.

  40. 40
    Trollhattan says:

    @Keith P.:

    I dunno…dry-humping Ted Cruz?

    Have read the third-world hellholes where they actually “prestress” jeans harvest awful chemical pollution from the process, so yay for fashion!

  41. 41
    El Cruzado says:

    Fix is on the way. And that’s all I will say.

  42. 42
    NotMax says:

    @fuddmain

    Then there’s the girl with half an avocado tattooed on her arm. That’s it, no words like “Fucking Avocados! Hell Yeah!”, just half an avocado.

    Moral: Avoid going to a tattoo parlor which is having a 50% off special.

    Tight, even sprayed-on jeans over baggy saggy ones any day, please.

    Reminded of the trivia about one of the Czar’s elite guard units, who wore reindeer leather pants so tight that a single guard couldn’t get into them without the aid of three of his comrades.

  43. 43
    Sandman says:

    … if I find myself stuck on the footpath behind one more kiddie who’s walking, wearing headphones, head down and typing on a Samsung, I’m going to push the little shit under a bus.

    Don’t think of it as murder. Think of it as pest control. People really need to maintain their situational awareness.

  44. 44
    StringOnAStick says:

    How about a “tackiest tattoo I’ve seen” contest? I saw one at a beach that was cat tracks wending their way up a woman’s leg to her crotch. It took me a few moments to realize it was kitty tracks leading to ………

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