Lazy Weekend Open Thread: “Nothing is sacred on the Internet, not even a wedding”

So it turns out that Sean Parker, Facebook billionaire of the multi-million-dollar “Tolkien-inspired” wedding, is not going to take our callow, ill-informed internet mockery quietly! Reports Kevin Roose, at NYMag:

Parker is so upset about his cruel treatment at the media’s hands that he wrote a 9,500-word essay-manifesto for TechCrunch detailing, at great length, the names he was called after the media began picking on him, the philosophy behind his wedding, and his views on the evolution of the media. (For those unfamiliar with publishing metrics, 9,500 words is a lot of words. If I submitted 9,500 words to my editor, I’d get committed.) The essay’s title is “Weddings Used to Be Sacred and Other Lessons About Internet Journalism,” and lo, it is a masterpiece — a love story, a Greek tragedy, a media rumination, a parable for our times, all wrapped up in one self-defensive package…

For your curated enjoyment, some excerpts from the Parker cri du coeur:

… The Monday after our wedding we woke up in our hotel room, newly married, and still buzzing from the most exciting day of our lives. With all the stresses and anxieties of wedding planning behind us, we were finally ready to relax, take a deep breath of ocean air, and enjoy the romance of being together in Big Sur. Many of our friends who lingered recounted their memories of the wedding, describing the event using words like “beautiful,” “tasteful,” “enchanted,” “epic,” and “a fantasy.” There was a kind of magic in the air, and most newlywed couples would have been free to bask in the afterglow of that moment….

We awoke that morning to a media backlash of epic proportions, a firestorm of press attacking our wedding with the most vitriolic language we’d ever seen in print. At the same time, a mob of Internet trolls, eco-zealots, and other angry folk from every corner of the Internet unleashed a fury of vulgar insults, flooding our email and Facebook pages…

If our friends were sending us congratulatory messages, we never saw them. If Alexandra’s friends were complimenting her choice of wedding dress, she missed those messages. Indeed, if anyone was saying anything nice about our wedding, it was completely lost in the noise, drowned in the sea of hateful, spiteful messages. Our marriage announcement and wedding photo on Facebook elicited hundreds of these messages from angry bystanders telling us to “fuck off,” and calling us “selfish,” “contemptible,” “disgusting,” and “hypocrites.” Descriptions of me included the words “douchebag” and “prick,” of my wife, the words “gold-digger” and “whore.” Luckily amongst the rabble were some unusually creative hate-mongers who managed to keep our attention by dispensing inventive insults like “douchemonster,” “jackassery,” “jackwagon” and, my personal favorite, “douche canoe.” (I have no idea what a “douche canoe” or a “jackwagon” is, but I’m assuming they are neither forms of transportation nor compliments.)…

As Parker goes on to explain, at length, the problem is that one just can’t buy good help any more, for all one’s internet-spawned millions:

… We had no obligation — legal, contractual or otherwise — to apply for permits. We weren’t the property owner, nor were we “leasing” the property from the owner. We had paid the hotel an event fee in order to make use of their campground for the purpose of hosting our wedding. We had no legal standing to apply for permits related to a property we didn’t own. Not only that, we couldn’t have known what permits were required short of asking the property owner, which we had done prior to renting the property, and the management of the hotel had informed us that none were required. It was incumbent upon the property owner to inform us of any land-use restrictions or permit issues related to the property.

From the outset we shared our plans for installing theatrical backdrops and other wedding-related equipment with the hotel. And the hotel was an active participant in the construction process — it wasn’t as if we were making preparations on Mars — this was all happening in the hotel’s backyard, and the hotel management was onsite every day supervising the project. They never hinted at any issues with the California Coastal Commission or any other government agency. In fact, I had not even heard of the California Coastal Commission until this incident. Why would I have? I don’t own any property in the California coastal zone. Had I known about any of these issues prior to renting the site, I would have taken my business elsewhere…

I am under the impression that almost everyone in modern America who’s thrown a wedding has a long list of grievances, other peoples’ pettiness/stupidity/venality/insensitivity, and tales of near- or actual disasters. Those of us who are not Facebook billionaires are confined to entertaining, or annoying, our immediate circle with these sagas. Sean Parker blames… The Internet:

…. When I got started in this industry almost 20 years ago, things were different. Back then there were no blogs, no Twitter or Facebook, and the editorial world was still a growing business. The reporters I interacted with diligently researched their stories, tracked down sources, conducted interviews, and even fact-checked their stories before publication. The trouble with online media is that there’s no incentive for them to do any of this. It’s easier to generate traffic with snarky stories than hard news, and there’s no downside for getting the facts of a story wrong, or even making it up entirely. The law offers no recourse, since being a “public figure” denies you, for all intents and purposes, any protection under libel laws. The blogs attack you, do their damage, and then move on to their next target. Now, because of the permanence of the Internet and the ease of Google, these vicious online attacks leave behind a reputational stain that is very difficult to wash out…

Regardless, I can’t escape the feeling that there is a kind of cosmic irony at work here. Readers of this publication are likely familiar with my career in the technology sector. I have spent more than a decade creating products built on the premise that the democratization of media was a good thing, that self-publishing, the free sharing of information, and the removal of the media “gatekeepers” would all lead to a freer, more open media — with the implied assumption that this was a “better” media. I practiced what I preached, both talking about and designing systems around the core belief that empowering people with the tools to more freely access and share information — be it music, links, photos, text, or any other form of media — could only make the world a better place….

Dude. You made the fortune that you are now abusing by empowering cyber-stalkers and encouraging everyone with internet access to get judge-y about total strangers’ aesthetic choices. If total strangers are using the internets to stalk you and get all judge-y about your aesthetic choices, this is not “cosmic irony”, it is “just desserts”. Since Benjamin Disraeli‘s advice is beyond you, learn to make use of another vastly popular internet invention and accept that you, and also the wedding you spent so much money and effort to throw, are a douche canoe.

196 replies
  1. 1
    Ruckus says:

    If he doesn’t like being called a douche maybe he shouldn’t act like one? The fact that he was called a lot more that just a plain ordinary douche should maybe clue him in that if he looked in the mirror he would see Major Douche. Major douche is anyone inside of a douche canoe, which is shorthand for Major Douche. Also, he is the asshole of Major Douches.

  2. 2
    Violet says:

    That is hilarious. He’s gotta be a 1%er, because normal folks don’t act like that. So glad his douchebaggery has bit him in the ass.

  3. 3
    Ruckus says:

    If he was gay would that make him a Rear Admiral Douche?

  4. 4
    El Cid says:

    I guess it didn’t occur to him to just, you know, not pay attention.

  5. 5
    daverave says:

    If you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, it’s probably you.
    If you don’t know what a douchecanoe is, then you probably are one.

  6. 6
    Ruckus says:

    I’ll bet he’s a lot smaller that 1%. Maybe something like .01%. If rated him by his financial standing, being a .01%er would make him a Minor Major Douche.

  7. 7
    Geeno says:

    @Ruckus: That would be a demotion. Dude is Fleet Admiral of the Douche Canoes.

  8. 8
    Robert says:

    Let’s make the metrics clearer.

    300 words gets your post crawled by Google.

    400 words is the minimum you need in your film reviews to be considered for membership in the Online Film Critics Society.

    7500 words is a standard (and firm) word limit on genre short fiction magazines.

    9500 words is when a short story editor suggests you just make it a novel and keep going.

    And, to be perfectly clear, editorials have been a thing since newspapers were invented. Poe’s obituaries were practically a short story contest because he wrote such scathing reviews and editorials about his American peers while he was alive. No one would know that H.P. Lovecraft was a paranoid xenophobe afraid of leaving New England because of blah people if he didn’t pen an editorial explaining so.

    Growing business 20 years ago? I believe he’s referring to the Internet, specifically the rise of AOL after they started using Usenet features. Judging by his 9500 word Internet editorial, he probably still uses AOL and a dial-up modem.

  9. 9
    Ruckus says:

    @El Cid:
    That’s what makes him important, standing out in a crowd. Being the object of admiration and lust for his money. Being the object of scorn and ridicule for being a douche bag deluxe is not what he thought he paid for.

  10. 10
    Ruckus says:

    Of course he is but that of course was not the point of the comment.

  11. 11
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    Ya know, he could have just not looked at the internet during his honeymoon. While I didn’t have the internet available when I got married, even if did, I had other more interesting things to do with the morning after my wedding.

  12. 12
    James E. Powell says:

    Everyone with that much money needs at least two staff people whose only job is to ask, “Are you sure you want to do this?” This would apply to the wedding and to the 9500 essay. With respect to the latter, one must infer its purpose was to be written rather than read.

  13. 13
    NickT says:

    And on the pedestal these words appear”
    “My name is Parker, Douche Canoe,
    Look on my words, ye Mighty, and despair!”
    Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
    Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
    The lone and cyber sands stretch far away

  14. 14
    muddy says:

    @BillinGlendaleCA: Clearly they had nothing more romantic on their minds than twitter and facebook. “Let’s see how thrilled everyone was! We rule! ”

    If they couldn’t see messages from the people they actually knew then they need to manage their settings better.

  15. 15
    Ruckus says:

    This almost sounds like a parody of a complaint. He repeated everything said about him. Now everyone who didn’t give a shit before knows that everyone who did say anything was correct, he is Fleet Admiral of his own douche canoe deluxe. That’s the upscale model with the gold plated insignias and the diamond studded paddles.

  16. 16
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    Fucker-enabler gets fucked by enabled fuckers. I’m confident that he can afford the world’s tiniest violin and pay someone to play the world’s saddest song on it.

  17. 17
    Soonergrunt says:

    Christ, what an asshole.

  18. 18
    Dan says:

    He is the very model of a modern major douche canoe.

  19. 19
    Joseph Nobles says:

    This mofo is in Big Sur with his new bride and he checked his email? Fuck him.

  20. 20
    Ruckus says:

    Nice rewording of a major musical story line.

  21. 21
    tybee says:

    bwahahaha. excellent. i was hoping he’d meet some karma after that display of asshattery.

  22. 22
    Mike E says:

    @James E. Powell: Or, an army of staffers standing in the way of the “send” button.

  23. 23
    Eric says:

    All he had to say was haters gotta hate and all i am gonna say is douches gotta douche

  24. 24
    Ruckus says:

    @Mike E:
    No one at this level of importance would stand for someone telling them anything but, Yes, Sir.

  25. 25
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    some excerpts from the Parker cri du couer:

    Sacre bleu, Anne Laurie! It’s cri du coeur, not couer!

    Merci bien.

  26. 26
    jamick6000 says:

    thank you for this.

  27. 27

    Shorter Sean Parker: How dare you focus on my blatant douchebaggery rather than the marital bliss I paid so dearly for.

  28. 28
    muddy says:

    @Eric: Douche canoes gotta paddle. At length apparently.

  29. 29
    Redshift says:

    When I got started in this industry almost 20 years ago, things were different. Back then there were no blogs, no Twitter or Facebook, and the editorial world was still a growing business.

    Child. Twenty years ago there was Usenet, and the flamewars that occurred there make Twitter and Facebook look like models of gentility.

  30. 30
    PeakVT says:

    That guy is like a living, breathing internet meme library.

  31. 31
    quannlace says:

    I guess it didn’t occur to him to just, you know, not pay attention.

    Yeah, occured to me. Spending so much time reading other people’s opinions of your wedding.. On your honeymoon? Take a page from Nancy Pelosi. Simply say ‘Who cares.”

  32. 32
    mclaren says:

    Once again, Anne, it’s just deserts, not “just desserts.”

    A just dessert is a fair and appropriate sweet final meal in a dinner.

  33. 33
    Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS) says:


    the editorial world was still a growing business.

    I call bullshit. Newspaper circulation has been declining since at least the 1970s.

  34. 34
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:


    Those were the days. IIRC anyone could start a new topic so the lists were rife with things like alt.Higgs_bulletstopper_goatfucker.

  35. 35
    muddy says:

    @Redshift: How ’bout it! Those were the days.

  36. 36
    red dog says:

    If Parker had donated 5 million to charity then he would be a hero but he is too big a douche to know that.

  37. 37

    @Brother Machine Gun of Desirable Mindfulness (fka AWS):

    I call bullshit. Newspaper circulation has been declining since at least the 1970s.

    Yeah, but editorials had only recently been unleashed by the fall of the fairness doctrine. They simply pushed out reporting, which was expensive because you had to go farther than your own ass to get information.

  38. 38
    Skinnyankles says:

    Holy fuck what an asswipe!!! Was he spawned in some gated community full if rich effluveant? How does one live as long as he has with absolutely no fucking self awareness.
    May he be mocked on the intertrons the rest of his life….

  39. 39
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    @red dog:

    The event horizon of Parker’s doucheness has expanded out of our solar system.

  40. 40
    NickT says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate:

    I guess we now know why the Vogons decided to build an intergalactic bypass through us.

  41. 41
    MikeJ says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: Yeah, but very few places just automatically processed newgroup messages, any more than they automatically accepted rmgroups.

  42. 42
    Hal says:

    The group Protect marriage has filed an emergency petition to the supreme court to block the lifted stay on marriages on CA.

    So any lawyers know how this would even work? If the court ruled you have no standing to file in the first place, how on earth would you file a petition in the same case? Also, what would the injunction being reinstated do for anyone if prop 8 is pretty much dead?

  43. 43
    Mr Stagger Lee says:

    Boy don’t he pines for the 80’s when the rich were worshiped as rock stars and every word from them was a holy nugget, The Forbes 400 were the immortals. Fuck him and his hurt fee fees!

  44. 44
    Anne Laurie says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: Thanks. True story: I passed high school French because my teacher “refused to put up with my pronunciation for anther year”. I passed the foreign-language portion of the NY State Regents exam by reasoning backwards from the Latin roots of my extensive obsolete-English vocabulary.

    You guys don’t know how much aggravation spellcheck and years of obsessive proof-reading have saved you from this dyslexic!

  45. 45
    dance around in your bones says:

    This is like the most Supremo of Irony – the guy who helped make it possible for any asshole to post opinions on the Book of Faces gets upset that people are posting opinions on the Book of Faces.

    Bwahahahahahaha! How ya like it NOW, mofo?!

    (P.S. This is why I stay off of social media. I don’t mind the opinions of people I care about and have made the effort to stay in touch with over the years, but that’s it.)

  46. 46
    Eric says:

    Help me put. Dude has billions because of shallowness over the intenet and complains about internet content? He has built the stongehenge of douchiness

  47. 47
    Mike E says:

    @Ruckus: You didn’t stop me from making an ass of myself? You’re fired!

  48. 48
    Anne Laurie says:


    A just dessert is a fair and appropriate sweet final meal in a dinner.

    No, a just dessert is the further internet mockery served Sean Parker concerning his self-pity binge upon the multi-course menu of mockery that greeted his douchecanoe wedding.

  49. 49
    LeftCoastTom says:

    Quoth Douchebaggins:

    In fact, I had not even heard of the California Coastal Commission until this incident. Why would I have? I don’t own any property in the California coastal zone.

    I don’t own property in the California Coastal Commission’s jurisdiction, but being a Californian who’s at least sentient I’ve heard of the Coastal Commission.


  50. 50
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Anne Laurie:

    Pas de problème :-)

  51. 51
    LeftCoastTom says:

    @Hal: They want to appeal the lifting of a stay on something that’s already happening? I’m not a lawyer, but…go for it, we’ll watch. With popcorn.

  52. 52
    somethingblue says:

    (Vastly) shorter Sean Parker: But it was my SPECIAL DAYYYYYYYYYY!!

  53. 53
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @LeftCoastTom: Like you, I do not own beachfront property but have heard of the Coastal Commission. Usually on the news, when some Douche Bag wants to develop something that will mess up the coast or impede access to the beach.

  54. 54
    scav says:

    The way he keeps digging, he must be building a bigger douche dugout. A douche dugout built for two out of an endangered tree species — only nobody ever told him about it being the last of its kind and it’s their job to do so, so it’s all their fault you meanies.

  55. 55
    Joseph Nobles says:

    @Eric: Not only that, but his actions guarantee to intensify the actions he’s complaining about. It is a perfect douche.

  56. 56
    mai naem says:

    OMG, can this idjit just STFU. You dumbass, if it had been some poor black couple destroying redwoods, they would be in jail for some time. You got away with a fine in an amount that would be to the equivalent of a dollar to me. Seriously, what a WATB>

  57. 57
    Redshift says:

    @Hal: It was discussed by our resident lawyers in the last thread. Consensus seems to be that it’s going nowhere fast.

  58. 58
    Felonius Monk says:

    How much bull can a bull-shitter shit — why 9500 words if you’re Sean Parker, pea-brained billionaire and the international rock-star of douchecanoes.

  59. 59
    ChrisNYC says:

    “theatrical backdrops and other wedding-related equipment”

    So funny.

  60. 60
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @ChrisNYC: To me, and maybe it’s just me; theatrical backdrops usually don’t require a bulldozer.

  61. 61
    Tokyokie says:

    We had no legal standing to apply for permits related to a property we didn’t own.

    I don’t have the legal standing to file a divorce petition against Sean Parker and demand half the marital assets, which means that legally, I CAN’T FUCKING WELL DO IT!

    Not only that, we couldn’t have known what permits were required short of asking the property owner, which we had done prior to renting the property, and the management of the hotel had informed us that none were required.

    Well, when I rent a car, I don’t interpret the prohibition on smoking to be limited to the passenger compartment and that, absent a specific prohibition, figure it’d be OK to turn the trunk into a barbecue pit, because that pretty much PERMANENTLY FUCKS UP THE RENTAL PROPERTY!

    But I guess being a fleet admiral of the Navy of douche canoes* means being willfully ignorant of such plebian social virtues.

    *Really, we need to promote him to five-star rank.

  62. 62
    dance around in your bones says:

    I’m watching Auntie Mame on TCM just now. I bet Auntie Mame would have laughed her ass off at that douche canoe Parker.

    Waa waa, someone said something nasty about my wedding!

  63. 63
    trollhattan says:

    Just goes to show, once you have more money than anybody can reasonably spend, what you want next is other’s love or fear, or MORE MONEY THAN ANYBODY ELSE!

    Also, too, how hot wasis it?
    This hot.

  64. 64
    gbear says:

    Wow. I followed the link just to see if his screed had an open comment section. It does. It’s entertaining.

    How can this guy be so stupid about the internet?

  65. 65
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    It was a long time ago. In the earliest days it was, if memory serves, pretty much like the Wild West. I believe that they eventually set up some hoops you had to jump through to set up a new topic.

  66. 66
    Tokyokie says:


    @ChrisNYC: To me, and maybe it’s just me; theatrical backdrops usually don’t require a bulldozer.

    Maybe he was envisioning King Kong vs. Godzilla: The Musical. But then, that would probably necessitate a sense of humor.

  67. 67
    Ruckus says:

    @Anne Laurie:
    You know I’ll have you that is it lexicdys.

  68. 68
    SiubhanDuinne says:




    /anal CDO spelling nazi

  69. 69
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    @Anne Laurie:

    Ever hear the one about the agnostic dyslexic who stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog?

  70. 70
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    Not only that, we couldn’t have known what permits were required short of asking the property owner

    Well the property owner must be in the douche navy as well but only in command of a dingy. But Fleet Admiral Douche Canoe never heard of a lawyer? Did he get a prenup? Did he consult an attorney for that?

  71. 71
    Ruckus says:

    @Mike E:
    He would never consider that he had made an ass of himself. He just penned a 9500 word screed showing that. It’s all our fault that Sean Parker is Fleet Admiral of his very own deluxe douche canoe with the gold leaf package and the diamond studded paddles.

  72. 72
    SiubhanDuinne says:


    Thought it was lysdexia.

  73. 73
    ChrisNYC says:

    @BillinGlendaleCA: Indeed. Also, theatrical backdrops just casually deemed “wedding related equipment” makes me laugh. Like those big coffee urns. Same thing.

    Really, if you need “wedding related equipment” where permits are an issue (scaffolds, threshing machines, super colliders, what have you), you’ve likely gone too far.

  74. 74
    Mr Stagger Lee says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!!!!!

  75. 75
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:


    Really, if you need “wedding related equipment” where permits are an issue (scaffolds, threshing machines, super colliders, what have you), you’ve likely gone too far.

    If you require any more wedding related equipment than that covered by a bathing suit then your’re unclear on the concept.

  76. 76
    Ruckus says:

    I always get it backwards.

  77. 77
    Ruckus says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate:
    And is why in Aussie the bits in your pants are called wedding tackle.

  78. 78
    burnspbesq says:

    As long as whatever remediation that was ordered by the Coastal Commission has been done, I no longer care about this idiot. If he drags his feet on that even a little bit, I want to see his ass prosecuted.

  79. 79
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    I will admit, we made some alterations to the place the my wife and I got married. The bridemaids put up some paper decorations attached to the ceiling tiles. I will also admit that I did not consult an attorney as to whether this needed a permit from the City of Los Angeles or the County of Los Angeles or maybe the Coastal Commission, we were about 15 miles from the coast. We did however check with the owner and they said it was alright. We went to a wedding at the same location a few months later and those decorations were still in place.

  80. 80
    scav says:

    @ChrisNYC: It’s also unfortunate that the ”theatrical backdrops” inevitably makes one wonder if there was a casting call for the role of bride. (well, if your brain is wired that way it does.)

  81. 81
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: In the dark recesses of the night, I know that there are gods, and there are dogs — but which one among the many has woken me by jumping on my bladder?

  82. 82
    muddy says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: I remember when you could get a list of new groups when you logged on and it was manageable. At one point the total was about 30,000 and I thought that was just way too big. Ha!

  83. 83
  84. 84
    gbear says:

    My favorite comment so far under Parker’s post:

    “Just 20 days prior to our wedding, the hotel received a call from the California Coastal Commission asking us to stop work.” I see. But you went ahead with it anyway, and you are admitting in your open essay that you just decided to ignore orders by the CCC because those 20 days up to the wedding were the most “stressful nail biting days of your life.” Because money is no object, and to just ignore the rules and pay a hefty fine is what rich people do, which you keep saying you “voluntarily” did. Oh, the humanity. If you’re so concerned about what the internet media has to say about this, then maybe you should have invited your friends to an inopportune party and gotten married in your backyard like Mark Zuckerberg did.That was pretty slick actually. Sean, there are people in this state of California, with some real problems, and I can assure you, you are not living them. Things like eviction, poverty, homelessness, low wages, hunger, unemployment, lack of medical care, etc. Get over yourself. There’s an old expression: “don’t try to rub out the stain, you might make it worse.” I think you just have.

  85. 85
    Poopyman says:

    I don’t care.

    The End.

  86. 86
    ChrisNYC says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: I take it all back. I just realized that I would LOVE to attend a wedding where the bride steered herself down the aisle in (on?) a threshing machine.

  87. 87
    Ruckus says:

    @Anne Laurie:
    That’s a theological question, not a dyslexic problem.

  88. 88
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @Ruckus: It could be both.

  89. 89
    burnspbesq says:


    We talked a little about this in Cole’ bun thread.

    Technically, the Ninth Circuit shouldn’t have lifted the stay until July 22. Realistically, the likelihood that the Supreme Court will grant a motion for rehearing seems to be right around zero, so the Ninth Circuit’s action, in precise legal jumbo-jumbo, is no harm-no foul.

  90. 90
    Paddy says:

    Any rec’s on good stuff to binge? So far this summer I’ve binged Call the Midwife, Scandal, The Fall, Orphan Black and bits and pieces of some others. I’m leaning towards starting Copper, and still can’t find anywhere to stream Broadchurch.

  91. 91
    kc says:

    Just when I has forgotten all about that douchebag. Now we can make fun of his whiny ass all over again.

  92. 92
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Mr Stagger Lee:

    I am a charter member of DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia.

  93. 93
    JCT says:

    “People” like this make me wish Obama really was readying the FEMA camps.

    Talk about a Ptolemeic view of the universe.

    Now where is my pitchfork? Oh, right, it MELTED in my So. Arizona driveway.

  94. 94
    burnspbesq says:


    Are you also the sort of dyslexic agnostic who doubts the existence of Dog?

  95. 95
    Ruckus says:

    I suppose. But AL is saying that she knows the difference between gods and dogs. She is just wondering which is jumping on her bladder. So the dogs could be gods, which I’ll assume for discussion means they don’t shed or fart or the gods could be dogs which means they are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. And I used to live with someone who had the worlds stupidest dog and she for sure couldn’t have been a goddess of anything.

  96. 96
    Tokyokie says:


    I’ve seen what happens to the bride and groom’s limo in weddings like that:

  97. 97
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Paddy: New Tricks.

    Only available thru Netflix on disc, but believe me — well worth it!

  98. 98
    JWL says:

    @gbear: “..Because money is no object, and to just ignore the rules and pay a hefty fine is what rich people do, which you keep saying you “voluntarily” did. Oh, the humanity…”.

    Remember the story told of Mitt Romney during the campaign?

    Decades ago, a cop had told him he could not launch his boat into a lake at a particular spot, and that it would cost him a $50 fine if he did. Mitt nodded that he understood. The cop figured his point had been made, but Romney continued to launch because $50 was chump change. The cop felt righteously insulted, and proceeded to haul Romney’s arrogant ass into the local jail.

    Can’t recall how the story ended. Then again, it’s not important, is it?

  99. 99
    Ruckus says:

    @Anne Laurie:
    Agreed. Good stuff.

  100. 100
    MomSense says:

    I have new neighbors so I invited them over for cocktails to get to know them. They are a retired couple with four children, all from previous marriages. He just became a notary so he can marry his daughter to her partner of 20 + years!! So cool. His grandson went to school with my oldest and works at the same place but I hadn’t made the connection.

    He was very emotional about it. As soon as Maine made marriage equality the law in our state, he became a notary. They are going to have the wedding later this summer and it will be a small affair in the backyard. I offered to help with the food and/or flowers. He was fighting tears when he talked about it and it just made my heart grow three sizes to hear him speak about it.

    On the 4th we are going to see some friends we reconnected with a few years ago. I first met them about 15 years ago when I was the president of my church, and I got a desperate call from a woman wondering if we would allow them to baptize their child because all the churches they had called had said no. I explained to them that we did dedications not baptisms and would be proud to welcome them and their families. I will never forget the sound in her voice as though she was bracing to be rejected. Our church really pulled it out for them–we decorated, everyone made fabulous food for a reception and we even had surrogate grandparents at the ready because the parents were a serious no-show risk. I actually think it helped the grandparents (catholics) to be more supportive when they saw how we treated the occasion. It was a beautiful ceremony and now they have added another son to their family. They are getting married this summer, too!!

    I don’t really have an opinion on the stupidly wealthy dude who is the subject of this thread except to say that he does seem to have ridiculous notions of persecution. My overall feeling is that a wedding is an expression by the couple about their relationship and the life they want to create together. It seems to me that he enjoyed himself at his wedding and can lead a fabulous life with his chosen life partner. Why even waste a second caring what others think about it?

  101. 101
    ChrisNYC says:

    @Tokyokie: Ha! I’m not interested in mutilation so much as the clack-clack-clack sounds. However, the driver in that scene has the kind of physicality my ideal thresher bride would have. But she’d be in her dress!

  102. 102
    Pushkin says:


    If he’s a Major Douche and he’s in the Douche Canoe, then he must be a member of the Douche Marine Corps, and not a member of the regular Douche Army, which makes him even more special.

  103. 103
    MomSense says:

    @Anne Laurie:

    I knew what you meant and that is good enough for me!

  104. 104
    Tokyokie says:

    @MomSense: Because the more ostentatious the wedding, the more it’s about impressing the guests, and the less it is about the bride and groom.

  105. 105
    Keith says:

    My weekend’s been anything but lazy. 106 degrees out, and I decided it was finally time to pressure wash my driveway. Woulda done it back in February, but I had surgery right after I bought the washer (up till recently, been too broke to pay someone to do it) and had more surgery in March. Feel a sense of accomplishment that I got the bulk of it done on Saturday, so I took a clonidine (brings the heart down) and am gonna chillax on the couch and watch some boxing tonight.

  106. 106
    Tokyokie says:

    @ChrisNYC: Cowboy hat optional?

  107. 107
    kc says:


    It’s great. From one of the commenters there:

    Dear Sir, your wedding would have been really cool if instead of this  – Elf – lord of the rings theme, you went with a planet of the apes 2011, idea you know – and instead walking barefoot, you guest would swing in from the branches… and instead of kissing the bride, you, Caesar,  turned to the audience and grunted and beat your chest — to signify that you own that B**** — is that too over the top?

  108. 108
    Ruckus says:

    Because what others think of him is all he has left to get. And he doesn’t see that a marriage is only about two people, Sean Parker seems to think his whole life needs validation for being a rich fucker. What a marriage is about, money can’t buy. The most retched excess doesn’t make it better it just makes him an ass. He can’t lead a fabulous life without admiration from those of us with less money no matter how grand his marriage ceremony was. He is the epitome of a douchebag. But he is so over the top about it that people need to come up with more all encompassing terms to express how much we don’t admire his stupid ass.

  109. 109
    MomSense says:


    Having witnessed a lot of weddings, I would say that sounds about right to me.

  110. 110
    ChrisNYC says:

    @Tokyokie: Nope. Veil. Here comes the bride. Stand back!

  111. 111
    SiubhanDuinne says:


    :: struts proudly :: I am a dyslectic agnostic insomniac who lies awake all night pondering the existence of Dog.

  112. 112
    Tokyokie says:

    @MomSense: Well, the spousal unit and I were married 16 years ago in a third world country (at a joint called Chicken Bites) by a judge who was uncertain of her English in a ceremony/reception we and a few of her cousins threw together in about four days. So I tend to be skeptical of anybody planning a “dream” wedding.

  113. 113
    Tokyokie says:

    @ChrisNYC: Had the thresher driver worn a bridal gown for that scene, it would have at least lent it a surreal quality that would have made it more interesting, considering that for an action sequence, it drags on about twice as long as it needs to.

  114. 114
    IowaOldLady says:

    My son and DIL were married by a friend who got ordained on the internet in honor of the occasion. If that’s not legal, please don’t tell me.

  115. 115
    Ruckus says:

    I used to think I was laying awake all night thinking the same thing but then the actual dog would kick me or fart which would wake me up and I’d see that I had it backwards. Dog existed and wasn’t about to let me forget it.

  116. 116
    scav says:

    @IowaOldLady: I think I’ve been at that wedding and it was in Iowa too. It was a nice one.

  117. 117
    Tokyokie says:

    @IowaOldLady: Did the ceremony involve threshing machines?

  118. 118
    Ripley says:

    @Paddy: I highly recommend Top of the Lake – limited-run series, Jane Campion, excellent from start to finish. I enjoyed it much more than The Fall. Broadchurch is jarringly weak, a shambles. Also recommend the first (only, thus far) season of Rectify.

    None contain cosmic irony, thankfully.

  119. 119
    Mr Stagger Lee says:

    @Ruckus: A Douche-battleship? A douche-destroyer? A douche-frigate?

  120. 120
    dance around in your bones says:

    My husband and I used to remind our daughter and soon-to-be-husband that the wedding was not an end-point but a beginning. The real work starts after the wedding.

    That said, they had a really cool wedding in Mexico with about a bazillion friends and relatives attending. We all had a blast (AND got blasted! But there was a lot of other stuff to do – surfing, horseback riding, hiking, fishing, swimming under waterfalls and etc). I think it’s what you make it….my husband and I got married at the county courthouse and lasted over 40 years. Other friends got married in their backyard and are still going strong. AND I have other friends who never formally got married and are still together some 30-40 years later.

    It’s actually interesting how many of my friends from back in the day are still together, with kids and all. And this is from the late 60’s early 70’s decades. Go figure.

  121. 121
    IowaOldLady says:

    @Tokyokie: No machinery of any kind that I noticed. He was married in Chicago.

  122. 122
    Ruckus says:

    @Mr Stagger Lee:
    Was thinking a douche aircraft carrier but then the diamond studded paddles wouldn’t work. The gold leaf would still be appropriate though.

    A douche battleship with diamond studded guns. Now that has possibilities. However as big a douche as Sean Parker is, I’m sure there are bigger ones. So I’d go with douche destroyer with diamond studded anchors and the gold leaf package.

  123. 123
    Botsplainer says:

    Anybody know an easy photoshare site that won’t spam me to death so I can show y’all pics of my new puppy?

  124. 124
    Ruckus says:

    The SS Sean Parker.

    SS stands for Stupid Shit.

  125. 125
    IowaOldLady says:

    @Botsplainer: I use photobucket. It’s pretty easy and doesn’t send me anything.

  126. 126
    Suzanne says:

    This whiny bitch is more of a bridezilla than any of my girlfriends.

  127. 127
    dance around in your bones says:

    The essay’s title is “Weddings Used to Be Sacred and Other Lessons About Internet Journalism”

    I’d have to remind him that Every Sperm Is Sacred, as well. Just not as costly.

  128. 128
  129. 129
    Tokyokie says:

    @Ruckus: How about Fleet Admiral of the Navy of Bismarck-Class Douche Dreadnoughts? (Although an aircraft carrier is larger than a dreadnought, even a Bismarck-class one, dreadnought sounds a lot more pretentious.)

  130. 130
    Citizen_X says:

    I can empathize–slightly–because I think it would be hard ignoring all those people slagging you. But you know what would not be so hard? NOT WRITING 9500 FUCKING WORDS ABOUT IT.

    Also, how the hell does the landowner just say, “Oh, sure, do your own landscaping, feel free!” Maybe I’ll try that on my landlord, think he’ll go along with it?

  131. 131
    Tokyokie says:

    @Citizen_X: As long as you tell your landlord that you didn’t have the legal standing to seek permits to knock out the back wall and build a handball court over a root cellar, everything should be fine.

  132. 132
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @Tokyokie: The Yamada class had the largest guns and may have been the largest. They are no longer with us. Would an Iowa class battleship do? There are still 4 of those, all that were built.

  133. 133
    Ruckus says:

    Let’s not get carried away here. After all isn’t that what started the whole thing in the first place? Douchebag Sean Parker spending millions, pocket change really, not only on his wedding but also a 2.5 million fine just for being a douchebag. OK I guess the fine is just part of the cost of being a douchebag but still. I mean I guess I could be a douchebag if I tried hard enough but I could never afford to be as big of one as Sean Parker can. And probably always will be. That must be where we are different, I think I could learn not to be a douchebag like Sean Parker if I ever managed to become one but I doubt that he will ever figure it out.

  134. 134
    mouse tolliver says:

    … When I got started in this industry almost 20 years ago, things were different. Back then there were no blogs, no Twitter or Facebook, and the editorial world was still a growing business …

    Only 33 and he wants us to get off his lawn. I’m picturing him in pants hitched up to his nipples, shaking his fist at a cloud.

  135. 135
    Scotius says:


    Because what others think of him is all he has left to get.

    And that’s the one thing they can’t buy. They can have immunity from prosecution or any kind of accountability for their actions, but they can’t buy our affection. Mitt Romney found out the same thing last November.

  136. 136
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @mouse tolliver:

    pants hitched up to his nipples

    I guess there’s a new use for nipple piercings.

  137. 137
    mai naem says:

    @Paddy: This is older stuff so I don’t know if you’re even going to be able to find them – I believe they were both Masterpiece Theater series – House of Elliot and To Serve Them All My Days. Also a Brit series from the 70’s and 80’s which is episodic so you can stop wherever you want – All Creatures Great and Small.

  138. 138
    MomSense says:


    It really is sort of pathetic and sad, isn’t it. I guess I figure that if you find the love of your life and that person feels the same way–you win! But apparently there are some people who need to achieve a certain status and adulation. I wonder to what extent this insatiable need for adulation is a factor in why these people are so successful. But when will it ever be enough?

    My old lab is sleeping at my feet and he is totally content and that makes me so happy. I guess I will never be a gazillionaire because it really doesn’t take that much for me to feel satisfied.

  139. 139
    MomSense says:


    Sounds perfect! My dad was a minister and I think my favorite wedding was the one where he called home and asked me to pick some flowers and walk over to the church. I picked some marigolds and nasturtiums and met him in the church study. This couple found a couple witnesses at the bank and had a lovely wedding with laughter and lots of kissing.

    When school started she was my new art teacher! When we saw each other we both started giggling!

  140. 140
    MomSense says:

    @Mr Stagger Lee:

    Douche submarine!!

  141. 141
    srv says:

    Since Larry Ellison bought Lanai or whatever, can we just ship Peter Thiel, Parker, and the rest of the fucksticks to their island already?

  142. 142
    NickT says:

    Seems that Glenn Greenwald’s latest blockbuster expose wasn’t too convincing even to the Guardian:

  143. 143
    NobodySpecial says:

    So, when Admiral Canoe’s old lady gets caught fucking the chauffeur, is he gonna trek to a volcano to throw the ring in?

  144. 144
    Ruckus says:

    Most rich people I’ve met are never satisfied. The next dollar, the next spouse, the next beach house/mountain villa, the next servant, the next vote, the next whatever. They are never satisfied with the fact they have more than most everyone else including the biggest egos to feed. Never enough is their mantra. Their privilege is a stick to beat others with so they can steal more privilege.
    But it all comes back to being satisfied. Satisfied that enough is not a very big amount of anything other than being comfortable with one’s self no matter the surroundings. A $5 bottle of wine can be delightful unless you are convinced that anything less that $300 is swill. It’s all perspective and so many people don’t have any.

  145. 145
    Ruckus says:

    Submarines are usually unseen and unheard. Douchebag Sean Parker is neither of these. However it does sound good.

  146. 146
    MikeJ says:


    Most rich people I’ve met are never satisfied. The next dollar, the next spouse, the next beach house/mountain villa, the next servant, the next vote, the next whatever. They are never satisfied with the fact they have more than most everyone else including the biggest egos to feed. Never enough is their mantra.

    Mitch Kapor left the most successful software company of its era and founded the EFF.

  147. 147
    Ruckus says:

    Once again, most but not all of the rich fuckers I’ve met. That number may be bigger than you might imagine but it is nowhere near a comprehensive list.

  148. 148
    Ash Can says:

    @Mr Stagger Lee:

    A Douche-battleship? A douche-destroyer? A douche-frigate?

    “Douche tanker” works fine.

  149. 149
    MomSense says:


    Ok how about douche garbage barge?

  150. 150
    Anne Laurie says:


    My son and DIL were married by a friend who got ordained on the internet in honor of the occasion. If that’s not legal, please don’t tell me.

    Depends on which state they tied the knot. When we applied for the license in Massachusetts, they had a long list of ‘ceremony to be performed by’ boxes to tick off. It did not include Wiccan (Church of the Goddess), in which the old friend marrying us was consecrated (or Church of Christ Scientist, even though the Mother Church is a famous Boston landmark). When I pointed this out to the clerk, she said, “Oh, members of irregular religions [and, we discovered, any adult person] can get a one-day permit to perform weddings for $25!” So along with our official marriage registration, we have a letter signed by then-Governor William Weld, wishing us & our officiant the best. Our poor friend, however, was rather offended by the “irregular” tag…

  151. 151
    bargal says:

    It’s “just deserts” not “desserts”.

  152. 152
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Sean Parker can shut the fuck up if he’s pissy over people getting mad at him. He’s pretty goddamn rich; if I had that much money, I would either a) not care, because I was a rich asshole douchebag, or b) not be a douchebag and do douchebaggy things that will make people on the Internet call me a douchebag, regardless of how much money I had.

    There, that wasn’t hard, was it?

  153. 153
    Shaun Appleby says:

    From the Tech Crunch comments:

    Hopefully his divorce will have an Orc theme.

  154. 154
    burnspbesq says:

    Can I just mention that the San Jose Earthquakes are a bunch of fcuking thugs?

  155. 155
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    OT: Somehow, someway my Yorkshire Terrier Pomeranian mix managed to take her collar off. I found it under the couch.

  156. 156
    Ruckus says:

    Now that’s in the spirit.

    Big and full of crap that nobody wants.


  157. 157
    Redshirt says:

    There’s only one proper response: Eat the rich.

    Barring that, I can’t wait to read about the divorce on TMZ.

  158. 158
    Ruckus says:

    Is the collar still intact or was the buckle undone?

  159. 159
    Suzanne says:

    Totally OT. But WTF-ever. During my root canal on Thursday, the dental assistant kept scraping the inside of my mouth with the X-ray plate thing, even though I KEPT WINCING AND SAYING IT HURT. She kept saying she wasn’t doing anything and pushing it in there even though it fucking HURT. Two days later, the root-canaled tooth doesn’t hurt at all, BUT THE SCRAPES DO. I’m so unbelievably annoyed. And I still need more Vicodin.

  160. 160
    Ruckus says:

    They taste like the shit they are full of.

    No thanks.

  161. 161
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @Ruckus: The buckle was undone.

  162. 162
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:


    His wedding was “sacred.” His divorce will be slapstick.

  163. 163
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @Suzanne: I told you not to kick her.

  164. 164
    BillinGlendaleCA says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: LOL. You owe me a new keyboard.

  165. 165
    Narcissus says:

    @BillinGlendaleCA: Do you have ghosts? You probably have ghosts.

  166. 166
    Suffern ACE says:

    @NickT: god this is silly. I read about these agreements in the 1980s (the info may have been around earlier, but I wasn’t able to read). I actually agree a little bit with the article. The continental leaders a bit “melodramatic” about this. But gosh. If we think our journalists kind of suck and are slow to stories, the Europeans may actually be worse.

  167. 167
    YellowJournalism says:

    My parents eloped in a small church with only my aunt and uncle in attendance, and they spent their honeymoon night in lawn chairs camped at the side of the road. When thy got back and told my grandparents, they said it wouldn’t last and compared them to my dad’s sibling who had a huge proper church wedding. Guess which couple had an epic, messy divorce and which couple is almost at the 40 years mark?

    In other words, screw this douchecanoe.

  168. 168
    Ruckus says:

    Check for at least one opposable thumb.

    You never know.

  169. 169
    Redshirt says:

    @Ruckus: You got to prepare ’em right. Toss out everything from the inside, because it’s all black and shriveled. The rest is like a cigar and whiskey flavored jerky.

  170. 170
    Suffern ACE says:

    Went to guy fiori’s restaurant this afternoon. While it doesn’t deserve much praise, I don’t think it deserved the scathing review it got when it opened.

  171. 171
    Ruckus says:

    Don’t smoke anything and hate cigars.
    Jerky can be good but still I’m just not that interested in finding out if rich jerky tastes good or as I suspect, like shit.

    So I’ll just save the prep time and effort and drink the whiskey straight.

  172. 172

    Isn’t numbnuts Parker a big deal in Internet stuff? But he doesn’t know what goes on on the internet? Douchewad.

  173. 173
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Ash Can:

    How about “Douche-Dreadnought”?

  174. 174

    @Ruckus: I’d just grind them up and use them as fertilizer in my veggie garden. Eat the veggies.

  175. 175

    Drunk thread? Yes have some
    +2, but enjoying a VODKA martini

  176. 176
    Shaun Appleby says:

    Wondering if Parker may have inadvertently retired the “douche canoe” trophy. Hard to imagine anyone topping this any time soon.

  177. 177
    Barbara says:

    I thought one clear advantage of being a billionaire is having the privilege of not caring what other people think. I’m not sure whether to think more or less of him for not having cultivated his inner Larry Ellison, who doesn’t seem to care what anyone thinks.

  178. 178
    kdaug says:


    Can’t recall how the story ended.

    It ended when he ran for president.

  179. 179
    Ruckus says:

    @👽 Martin:
    Ground up richey probably does work better as fertilizer. There is so much shit there that the yield would probably be amazing.

  180. 180
    The prophet Nostradumbass says:

    Just saw the San Jose Earthquakes score two goals in stoppage time to beat the LA Galaxy 3-2. That was ridiculous, and fun to watch.

  181. 181
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    Douche Titanic:

    “Fuck that iceberg, I’m rich!”

  182. 182
    kdaug says:

    @Mr Stagger Lee: Douche-Deathstar.

  183. 183
    MikeJ says:

    We’ll find the douchy battleship that’s makin’ such a fuss
    We’ve got to sink the douche-Bismarck, the world depends on us

  184. 184
    mouse tolliver says:

    @Redshirt: After he’s done with this marriage, I’m thinking he should go for something less ostentatious at his next wedding. A big, fat gypsy wedding perhaps.

  185. 185
    MattR says:

    @The prophet Nostradumbass: You see the end of the Phily-Dallas game? That was pretty crazy too as was this goal from Hassoun Camara in the Colorado-Montreal match.

  186. 186
    joel hanes says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate:

    [on Usenet] anyone could start a new topic so the lists were rife with things like alt.Higgs_bulletstopper_goatfucker

    Yes, famously there was
    which led to
    and was genreralized [by that guy in a cape] as
    for which we have the FAQ

    I used to hang out on

    Kibo was Allowed. [looks around expectantly]

  187. 187
    Mike G says:

    In fact, I had not even heard of the California Coastal Commission until this incident.

    This makes him exceptionally clueless and/or self-centered. Anyone who lives in California, especially near the coast, and follows the news would be aware of the impact and influence of this agency. You can’t build or modify anything
    near the ocean without their say-so; it’s what prevents the beaches and the coast from becoming one long fortified high-rise playground of the rich with no public access.

  188. 188
    Kyle says:

    @Suffern ACE:

    This Guy Fieri menu parody was hilarious —

    Not my kind of food, but I don’t get the extreme hate. It’s no worse or better than a stack of other corporate restaurants.

  189. 189
    AnotherBruce says:

    Shit, news at 9! People on the internet say bad things about public figures! And why does this delicate flower care at all about this? Part of the democratization of the net is realizing that cretins and assholes have the same access that normal people do. So have enough self confidence to know that only sticks and stones can break your bones. Save your tender feelings for people that really need them.

  190. 190
    joan grim says:

    @NickT: Bravo!

  191. 191
    Bjacques says:

    Now playing on Spotify (which Parker also owns): Cry Me a River.”

    The world you got rich building. Let us show you it.

  192. 192
    Citizen_X says:

    Very late with this, but I’ll go with Battle Station Douchebag for maximum grandiosity.

  193. 193
    John Weiss says:

    He’s an idiot. Money does not equal smarts.

  194. 194
    Jasmine Bleach says:


    If he had an aircraft carrier, he could be a Flying Douche. Or a Douche Bomber. Or a Douche Bomb?

  195. 195
    Juju says:

    @NickT: Bravo!

  196. 196
    johnny aquitard says:

    Late to thread as usual but…”Fleet Admiral of a Douche Canoe” oughta be a tag.

Comments are closed.