Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I really should read my own blog.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

All your base are belong to Tunch.

Wow, I can’t imagine what it was like to comment in morse code.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

They are all Michael Cohen now.

You can’t attract Republican voters. You can only out organize them.

Proof that we need a blogger ethics panel.

But frankly mr. cole, I’ll be happier when you get back to telling us to go fuck ourselves.

Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

And now I have baud making fun of me. this day can’t get worse.

Good luck with your asparagus.

JFC, are there no editors left at that goddamn rag?

Our job is not to persuade republicans but to defeat them.

Four legs? good! two legs? we’re not so sure…

Hot air and ill-informed banter

I’ve spoken to my cat about this, but it doesn’t seem to do any good.

Take hopelessness and turn it into resilience.

Women: they get shit done

Make the republican party small enough to drown in a bathtub.

Technically true, but collectively nonsense

It’s always darkest before the other shoe drops.

Wow, you are pre-disappointed. How surprising.

You are here: Home / Civil Rights / Women's Rights / The War On Women / Fetal Fapping Isn’t a Thing That Happens

Fetal Fapping Isn’t a Thing That Happens

by | 150 Comments

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20130618-062917.jpgJust in case you weren’t aware that reproductive rights and bodily autonomy for women hinges on a male and what he does or doesn’t do with his penis, here’s Texas Republican Congressman Michael Burgess — a former OB/GYN, no less — citing masturbating fetuses as a reason to outlaw virtually all abortions after 20 weeks.

Via Addie Stan at RH Reality Check:

As the House of Representatives gears up for Tuesday’s debate on HR 1797, a bill that would outlaw virtually all abortions 20 weeks post fertilization, Rep. Michael Burgess (R-TX) argued in favor of banning abortions even earlier in pregnancy because, he said, male fetuses that age were already, shall we say, spanking the monkey.

“Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful,” said Burgess, a former OB/GYN. “They stroke their face. If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?”

Just when you thought you’ve heard it all, some dude bro starts talking about male fetuses jerking off, and then your brain starts to cry.

Setting aside that fetuses don’t wank (and that major medical bodies in the U.S. and U.K. have refuted the claim that fetuses feel pain before the third trimester), I find it very interesting that the concern is only for male fetus pleasure. Because women are just brood mares who can’t feel pleasure. Where’s the love for female fetuses? Damn.

Have fun with this one, Juicers.

[via RH Reality Check]

Reader Interactions

150Comments

  1. 1.

    Betty Cracker

    “I fap, therefore I am”? Sounds like a plausible slogan for today’s GOP wankers. Jesus God. Where is that meteor already?

  2. 2.

    Emma

    I read that last night, went into “what the… even…” mode, shut down the laptop and went to read an actual book with actual information in it. I needed a non-damaging form of brain bleach.

  4. 4.

    Aji

    @Betty Cracker: Well, duh. For today’s GOP wankers, it’s pure existentialism.

    You can draw a direct line from fapping in utero to “every sperm is sacred,” doncha know.

  5. 5.

    Amir Khalid

    I don’t remember whether I did, or did not, masturbate while in my mother’s womb. But I think not. Had I known about choking the chicken as early as that, I wouldn’t have waited as (relatively) long* as I did to start doing it out of the womb.

    *How long did I wait? Nunya bidness.

  6. 6.

    Joey Maloney

    “I fap, therefore I am”?

    If there was internet in the womb, I could believe this.

  8. 8.

    Todd

    Doesn’t matter. Obama is history’s greatest monster for betraying progressives, an democrats his willing accomplices in that betrayal, so they must be electorally punished to reach them a lesson. President in Waiting Saint Doctor Jill Kucinich Stein is ready to answer the call!

  9. 9.

    nemesis

    Next up for the gop: ovulating women who fail to become impregnated will be jailed. Its what jeebus would want.

  11. 11.

    jon

    @nemesis: Jail isn’t the correct term for the… facility they have in mind. And only the white women will attend. For the Homeland!

  12. 12.

    maya

    If they’re a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs.

    If only they could get a hold of a tiny AR-15…. Hey!.I smell a lucrative Texas kickstarter.

  13. 13.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    The “clitoris” is a mysterious organ; unmentioned by the only source of human knowledge, the Holy Bible, it is widely believed by reputable Biblical scholars not to exist. Biblical scientists are of the opinion that the mythical “clitoris” is nothing more that an invention of the liberal media, made up in order to draw women and weak-willed men into the Satanic embrace of women’s rights and communism.

  15. 15.

    Gin & Tonic

    Well, obviously the male fetuses get *more* pleasure because they are still uncircumcised.

    /ducks and runs

  16. 16.

    Tonybrown74

    Oh, gawd!

    I’ve not had any coffee yet this morning. I am not ready for this shit …

  19. 19.

    balconesfault

    How is it that so many doctors seem to be absolute idiots on points of science?

  20. 20.

    scav

    So moving one’s hand near the crotch area is a clear sign of the attainment of maximal masculion functioning.

  21. 21.

    Scott S.

    The freak is my Congressman. And he always seemed fairly sensible before, at least as far as Republicans went. Must’ve overdosed on the tea-flavored LSD.

    Do girl fetuses masturbate? Do we need to get them itty-bitty fetus vibrators? Or does that just prove they’re abortable fetus sluts?

    If they’re masturbating inside the womb, doesn’t this make them motherfuckers?

  22. 22.

    bill d

    There must be a way we can tell the fetuses in the womb how wrong this is. Can we rig the ultrasound wands to deliver teensy eensy bibles as a distraction for them?

  25. 25.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    Well, obviously the male fetuses get *more* pleasure because they are still uncircumcised.

    @Gin & Tonic: (applause)

    The atom bomb of Internet trolling only fifteen posts in. On topic, even. You are a god among men.

  26. 26.

    Aji

    @bill d: No, see, you’re missing the point. This will be used as justification for why God actually intended males to masturbate in 3 . . . 2 . . . .

    Only males, of course. ‘Cause, y’know, Eve, that whore, is the one who brought sex and sin upon humanity, and so female masturbation, like all forms of female pleasure and sexual activity, is to be prevented at all costs (except when for the explicit purposes of the male), and failing that, punished severely.

  27. 27.

    Punchy

    What happens if there’s fraternal twins in the womb and the boy and girl….uh….touch….each other? Can they be arrested for sexual battery upon birth? Can a OB/GYN slap cuffs on them while still in utero?

  29. 29.

    Alex S.

    OMG! What if the fetus faps and sperm comes out and what if there are twin babies and one is a girl and the sperm makes it pregnant and there is a baby in the baby???

  30. 30.

    Odie Hugh Manatee

    Boys fapping off inside of their mom signaling “I’M ALIVE!”? Yup, sounds exactly like some kind of gooper fantasy.

  32. 32.

    Rosalita

    @Betty Cracker:

    “I fap, therefore I am”? Sounds like a plausible slogan for today’s GOP wankers. Jesus God. Where is that meteor already?

    you win the thread. lol!!

  33. 33.

    gene108

    If fetuses masturbate, why then does masturbation stop when the baby is born?

    New born babies don’t have the coordination to masturbate, let alone remove their own diaper to get at their private bits.

    What horrible trauma has the mother’s vagina caused the fetus to lose so much fine motor coordination, as the fetus passes out of the birth canal?

    How can we improve on the vagina, so the next generation of humans will come into this world with the enough coordination to masturbate at birth?

    Why aren’t scientists working on this vexing problem?

    I’m sure liberals would love a world awash in masturbating infants, who will make themselves infertile before puberty and effectively end the human race faster than gay marriage.

  34. 34.

    Belafon (formerly anonevent)

    @gene108: You (the royal MALE you) are not infected with Original Sin (R) until you leave the womb. Original Sin renders you unable to holy masturbate until you can learn some approximation of it as a teen. The whole reason Eve gave Adam the apple was because he was sitting around all day holy masturbating. She needed some too.

  35. 35.

    magurakurin

    @jon:

    Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious… service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.

  37. 37.

    Shakezula

    What sort of sick society do we live in where a man can announce he believes fetuses are sexually active and that man is not promptly beaten to death by enraged parents?

  38. 38.

    artem1s

    @gene108:

    If fetuses masturbate, why then does masturbation stop when the baby is born?

    because of a lack of [email protected]@, duh! 3, 2, 1…GOPer sponsored bill to provide free boner pills and guns to all male newborns. No Foodstamps, education, or healthcare though because Freedum!

  39. 39.

    Todd

    @Gin & Tonic:

    Well, obviously the male fetuses get *more* pleasure because they are still uncircumcised.

    Quite possibly the finest comment on the internet today. Nonetheless, remember that thou art mortal.

  41. 41.

    dmsilev

    @Alex S.:

    OMG! What if the fetus faps and sperm comes out and what if there are twin babies and one is a girl and the sperm makes it pregnant and there is a baby in the baby???

    It’s babies all the way down.

    ( from this)

  42. 42.

    Mike in NC

    Please, GOP, do make preventing fetuses from pleasuring themselves the centerpiece of your 2014 platform.

    What else have you got?

  43. 43.

    Jerzy Russian

    Can’t we ban stupid already? If not an outright ban, then at least make stupid socially unacceptable.

  44. 44.

    TaMara (BHF)

    Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby…. a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs…they feel pleasure

    Doesn’t this qualify this congressman as a pedophile? One must speculate. It would be irresponsible not to….

  45. 45.

    Shortstop

    I bet we wouldn’t have to look too hard to find examples of this same person criticizing teenage masturbation as immoral and anti-Jesus.

  46. 46.

    dmsilev

    @Mike in NC:

    Please, GOP, do make preventing fetuses from pleasuring themselves the centerpiece of your 2014 platform.

    Forced implantation of fetal chastity belts! What could possibly go wrong?

  47. 47.

    Librarian

    They’re just upset that fetuses are naked and not wearing tiny three-piece suits.

  48. 48.

    scav

    The little spycams installed to surveil any miscarriages by the naughty naughtly slut incubators can be made two-way and provide pay-for-view porn for the xy-occupants. A proof that business-government cooperation can drive down crime and costs at the same time!

  49. 49.

    Roger Moore

    @Punchy:

    What happens if there’s fraternal twins in the womb and the boy and girl….uh….touch….each other?

    That’s going to be hard, what with the placenta in the way and all. Or am I being too literal and factual here.

  53. 53.

    StringOnAStick

    This is just clever base-pandering by this Texas moran. He knows most of the people who voted for him spend all night fapping to skinemax, internet freebies, etc (suitable females being unavailable of course, and too damned scary anyway). Making fetus ‘Merikans into fellow fapping aficionados puts them all in the same tribe, ergo more members of the Dittohood who must be defended at all costs. Freedum!

  54. 54.

    SiubhanDuinne

    Those masturbating feti are going to grow fetal hair all over their fetal palms. And go fetally blind.

  55. 55.

    Vanya

    I am confused. In the GOP mind wouldn’t a masturbating fetus be something you actually want to abort? Among the hard right Christians I used to know a fetus that was seen touching its privates could have only been the Anti-Christ, because the idea of one of God’s innocent lambs doing something so unclean would have been simply inconceivable. The GOP is getting soft.

  63. 63.

    ThresherK

    There’s a line to be drawn from the idea of fapping fetuses to an infant sexualizing breastfeeding.

    I’m taking bets on which Republican draws that line in public first.

  66. 66.

    Narcissus

    I wonder what it is like to BE one of these people. I mean we know how weird it looks from the outside. But what are the thought processes like of someone who has not one iota of self awareness.

  69. 69.

    Seanly

    My level of hatred for Republican politicians knows no bounds. I keep thinking I will hit Peak Hatred and yet they continue to garner more & more.

  71. 71.

    D58826

    OK, lets try this one on for size. The forced birth crowd wants to have a fetus declared a person from the moment of conception with all the legal rights, and presumably responsibilities, of a born person. Now this wanking male fetus is sharing space with his fetus twin sister, so if he forces himself on her is that fetal rape? Will he be charged with a crime and sent to infant prison once he is born? The number of new crimes is breathtaking. Of course the private prison industry will be more than happy to meet the demand for these new kiddie jails. (sigh)

  72. 72.

    Pablo

    I was listening to my wife’s belly today (we’re expecting a girl) and I heard a loud buzzing sound….hmmm

  76. 76.

    Short Bus Bully

    This thread is full of BJ WIN, which in some small way helps make up for the supertanker of FAIL unloaded by the Gooper congresscritter from Texas.

    It’s a challenge to start the day this way, but y’all are doing your best to ease the pain.

    Plus there’s nothing that these legislative Chuck Norris’ despise more than mockery.

  77. 77.

    Ash Can

    I’m old enough to remember a time in this nation when people such as Michael Burgess were ignored, laughed at, ostracized, marginalized, shamed, and quite often shut away and/or medicated — not quoted in the press and sure as hell not elected to fucking Congress. What the fucking hell is the matter with this nation that people like this are put in positions of power, and, once there, not hounded back into obscurity when they behave like this?

  82. 82.

    gene108

    @D58826:

    Now this wanking male fetus is sharing space with his fetus twin sister, so if he forces himself on her is that fetal rape? Will he be charged with a crime and sent to infant prison once he is born? The number of new crimes is breathtaking.

    One of the things implicit in fetal masturbation is the underlying assumption that fetuses and thus infants have some sort of cognition about their actions, which sort of goes in the face of what we’ve come to understand about infants based on the whole of human history.

  83. 83.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @D58826:

    Well, at least the slut in the womb has those natural defenses to prevent the baby in a baby thing, dontcha know.

  84. 84.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @gene108:

    which sort of goes in the face of what we’ve come to understand about infants based on the whole of human history.

    “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?”

    “Germans?”

    “Forget it, he’s on a roll…”

  85. 85.

    scav

    @Yatsuno: Michael Burgess’ head has the basic shape and density down — plus the essential spaceyness (with luck the heading for a fall-iness too, were it not for the TX part). Not enough tonnage, alas!

  87. 87.

    Wilson Heath

    @Vanya:
    Yep. I was pretty sure that it was in Leviticus or some such that the Jebus demands we kill the ‘batin’ fetus. And then we celebrate our holy act with shrimp cocktails and bacon cheeseburgers.

  88. 88.

    jayjaybear

    @Punchy: Even worse, what if they’re IDENTICAL twins and both boys and they start getting busy in there together?! GAY fetal incest!

  89. 89.

    Soonergrunt

    @Crop Dusted: Althouse, desperately trying to kill two birds with one stone, and a) remain relevant, and b) turn this fail into something remotely embarrassing for us.

    Two fails for the price of one, that.

  91. 91.

    eric

    keep laughing libs…but now i think it is clear where the ghey comes from! little boys too busy touching themselves in the womb to understand just how close they are to the vagina. If only they had functional nervous systems at this point in time to feel pleasure and to make decisions about what to do in the “waiting room” for birth. I am assuming fox news is not on in the uterus

  92. 92.

    Yatsuno

    @Crop Dusted: I read the comments. Wow. Most of those people couldn’t produce a coherent argument if you gave them a top debate team and a stack of thesaurii.

  94. 94.

    shortstop

    @Soonergrunt: Right! It’s so sex-negative of us normally pan-horny libs to laugh our asses off at a medical doctor who seriously argues that fetuses whack off in utero.

  95. 95.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Crop Dusted:

    The comments on her post are a monument to the intellectual bankruptcy of the forced birthers as they project like the octoplex down at the mall over Memorial Day weekend.

  96. 96.

    nastybrutishntall

    Should we stone the self-abusing fetus in utero, or abort it first and then stone it to death? The Bible makes me so confused. Help me, Republican Jesus!

  97. 97.

    shortstop

    @Villago Delenda Est: Do any of her students ever comment on her posts? Or are all her commenters still single, middle-aged, white, male wingers who rarely leave the house? I mean, since you’re already looking anyway…

  98. 98.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    Would not the pictures of fetal ‘batin that the good Congressman is referring to be, according to the letter of the law, child porn?

  99. 99.

    Yatsuno

    The real sad part of all this is he’ll get re-elected handily. Because Jeebus and teh bebehs.

  100. 100.

    shortstop

    @nastybrutishntall: You, sir or ma’am, have clearly never cracked the Bible. There will be no stoning of fetuses. God will smite the offending creature, at which point its vessel will miscarry. The correct course of action, now being discussed in the more ambitious winger circles, is for her state to require that all miscarriages be reported so these women can be investigated for possible abortion activities.

  102. 102.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Yatsuno:

    What I want to know is where the hell are all these FEMA re-education camps I keep hearing about, and why isn’t every last person who voted for this assclown in one?

    Obama is failing us, again!

  103. 103.

    quannlace

    Maybe this is all part of the GOP’s previously stated aim to make abortion funny.

  106. 106.

    Avocat

    Great comments, but I guess no one really wants to address the issue the guy raises: whether a fetus at some point in gestation feels pleasure or pain. If a fetus could feel pain at some point, would that be relevant at all to the abortion debate?

  109. 109.

    jimmy higgins

    I dunno. Might be counterproductive for the Republicans. Wouldn’t your sensitive type mother-to-be tend be more inclined to terminate a pregnancy if she knew the little dickens was waxing the dolphin in there already…

  111. 111.

    Avocat

    @Soonergrunt: Well I’m all for major medical bodies and the authority they represent–who wants to question that?–but maybe a fetus can feel pain later in gestation. Would that concern anyone?

  116. 116.

    Catsy

    @Avocat:

    maybe a fetus can feel pain later in gestation. Would that concern anyone?

    Nope, because it’s a complete red herring when it comes to the issue of abortion rights–about 1% of all abortions are performed after that point.

    Your concern is noted, however, and filed in the appropriate drawer.

  117. 117.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Avocat:

    OK, so it’s established foeti don’t feel pain, but you want us to imagine they do.

    You are a prime candidate for retroactive abortion.

  119. 119.

    Mnemosyne

    @Avocat:

    If a fetus could feel pain at some point, would that be relevant at all to the abortion debate?

    It could be, but not necessarily in the way you think. If it turned out that fetuses with anencephaly or neural tube defects were in enormous pain because their defect meant that their nerve endings were constantly exposed, would you support aborting those pregnancies rather than forcing those fetuses to be in pain for the full nine months of gestation?

  120. 120.

    scav

    @amk: With the caveat that “address” mean “agree with” in their GudSpelingBuk. It’s right before the “bipartisan” definition of “see address”.

  121. 121.

    Avocat

    @Mnemosyne: Seems to me that if a fetus feels pain, we should consider that. Surely a fetus does feel pain at some point in gestation.

  123. 123.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Avocat:

    Just curious, but are you an advocate (no pun intended) of “enhanced interrogation techniques”?

  124. 124.

    Mnemosyne

    @Avocat:

    Seems to me that if a fetus feels pain, we should consider that. Surely a fetus does feel pain at some point in gestation.

    So you agree that if a fetus with no chance of surviving outside of the womb is also show to be in pain while still in the womb, it’s more humane to abort that fetus than force the pregnancy to continue to term?

  125. 125.

    scav

    Clearly, if a fetus or human should ever feel pain at any point in its theoretical existence, the self-evident pleasure of two cells rubbing together during gestation is clear evidence of personhood that trumps all consideration of the mere slut incubators interests and rights.

  126. 126.

    Avocat

    @Villago Delenda Est: Just kind of thinking out loud, I would not want anyone to feel pain unless absolutely necessary, but what do I know? Maybe a fetus does not feel anything at any stage of gestation.

  128. 128.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @scav:

    trumps all consideration of the mere slut incubators interests and rights.

    Absolutely. Fuck the slut incubator!

    (do you see what I did there?)

  129. 129.

    Villago Delenda Est

    @Avocat:

    The forced birth crowd seems to lose all interest in this new life once it leaves the womb. To the point of defunding Planned Parenthood’s efforts at prenatal care for expectant mothers who have no interest in ending their pregnancy except by giving birth to a healthy child.

  130. 130.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    If a fetus could feel pain at some point, would that be relevant at all to the abortion debate?

    @Avocat: No.

  131. 131.

    ? Martin

    @Avocat:

    However it seems logical that a fetus feels pain at some point in gestation, even if late in the term.

    Why is that logical? One of the last things to fully develop is the central nervous system. Breathing response is fully suppressed until birth (at any gestational age). And preemies don’t appear to feel pain until about 35 weeks. My daughter was born at 32 weeks and didn’t respond at all to IVs and the like when she was in the NICU. The nurses explained to us that it was normal for preemies that early.

  136. 136.

    Forum Transmitted Disease

    @Avocat: Shove the little blob of shit in a sausage grinder for all I care. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s too many goddamn people on this planet and we’re out of room.

  139. 139.

    riptyde

    The Old Testament says masturbation is a sin punishable by death, so doesn’t this mean we SHOULD abort the fetus if it’s masturbating.

  142. 142.

    Imani Gandy (ABL)

    via Myrtle C. on my Facebook wall:

    “Boy fetii should not wank in utero. They could get their mothers pregnant and be twins with their own babies.

    *bet nobody thought about that*”

  143. 143.

    El Cid

    @? Martin: Also a big part of science is about learning the difference between what seems logical and what actually appears to be the case.

  144. 144.

    Vanya

    @riptyde: I’ve always wondered how Christians reconcile the idea of miscarriages with the idea that God wants all feti born. This clears it up – a miscarriage must be God striking down the masturbators in utero.

  147. 147.

    Not a Republican!

    Be sure that I am asking the next doctor I go to if they are a Republican!

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