Breaking: Incontrovertible Proof of FSM’s Existence Revealed

Wingnut douche-barge (much bigger than a canoe) Glenn Beck has been struck dumb:

beck_paralyzed

He provided a weepy flashcard “monologue” on his Goldline Central network about the condition (it comes and goes, he says) and reflected on the need to be more uplifting and positive.

It’s as if the Flying Spaghetti Monster rammed the Rotini of Righteousness right in the bastard’s throat, just as He once stopped Limbaugh’s ears with the Vermicelli of Virtue. Ramen.

[X-posted at Rumproast]

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78 replies
  1. 1

    Ceiling Cat got his tongue?

  2. 2
    piratedan says:

    his vocal chords are paralyzed, it’s almost as if the damage from his atrophied brain is spreading….

  3. 3
    Jerzy Russian says:

    It looks like I will have to start wearing that colander on my head.

  4. 4
    Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN) says:

    Has he blamed Obamacare yet?

  5. 5
    Scott S. says:

    If only Beck’s Palsy would affect the wingnuts I know on Facebook and Twitter…

  6. 6
    Baud says:

    Glenn blames Obama.

  7. 7
    MattF says:

    Also, the time when Ann Coulter’s jaws were wired shut:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/.....46248.html

    Yes, there is a God, and He’s al dente.

  8. 8
    Chris says:

    Sleeping on the job, FSM? Whatever happened to incineration by bolt of lightning? Or are you anti death penalty, too?

  9. 9
    PsiFighter37 says:

    The conservative entrepreneur recently learned that he has temporarily lost the ability that so many of us take for granted — the ability to speak. Doctors informed Beck that his vocal cords have been temporarily paralyzed. The effects will “come and go,” but thankfully it is a repairable condition, he explained.

    Is this real? I’ve never heard of someone having temporary paralysis of their vocal cords that will come and go. Sounds hokey to me…

  10. 10
    Boots Day says:

    Maybe he’ll spend this little timeout learning how to spell “vocal cords.”

  11. 11
    SatanicPanic says:

    @PsiFighter37: Follow the money…

  12. 12
    4tehlulz says:

    Oh man. This is turning out to be one of the best days of my life.

  13. 13
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    If Beck flees to Hong Kong then I’ll blame Obama.

  14. 14
    Chris says:

    @PsiFighter37:

    I bet he’s faking it so he can draw welfare.
    /wingnut appraisal

  15. 15
    The Other Chuck says:

    @PsiFighter37: It’s a not uncommon condition actually, and often the side effect of a brain tumor. Now if that’s the case, I know I shouldn’t say it … but boy that would explain a lot. There.

  16. 16

    Countdown to Glennnn comparing himself to Job…………

  17. 17
    srv says:

    The government got to him.

    Laugh-a while you can, monkey boys, pretty soon Obama will be oppressing you also, too.

  18. 18
    Nunya says:

    I like the beakers full of random colored liquids in the background of his set. Sciency! This guy is obviously not just one of the world’s foremost historians, he’s a polymath, a true Renaissance Man. You know, a total nutjob.

  19. 19
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    Ha! My voodoo worked!

  20. 20

    @PsiFighter37:
    It could be. I’ve never heard of it, but it’s an entirely reasonable neurological injury. Of course, it wouldn’t happen by itself. You’d need brain/upper spinal damage. Very high fever, drugs, head injury, stroke. It could also be a ‘fleece the sheep’ trick, but there’s no reason it couldn’t be real.

    @The Other Chuck:
    I was trying to avoid ‘brain tumor’. I wish suffering on no one. At most, I wish some people were put in a position they can no longer harm society.

  21. 21
    Baud says:

    OT: I know this whole NSA thing has caused some strain among us, so here’s something we can all hate together as one big happy blog family:

    Snowden’s girlfriend — dancer, nature lover — said to be shocked by his actions

    Peace.

  22. 22
    BGinCHI says:

    First they came for Glenn Beck’s vocal chords, and I handed them a rusty wire brush…..

  23. 23
    PsiFighter37 says:

    @Frankensteinbeck: Is it wrong of me to be cynical and think it’s scheduled to occur at some irregular frequency, precisely when his show is airing?

  24. 24
    Chris says:

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    How much would you charge to repeat the procedure against other individuals?

  25. 25

    @PsiFighter37:
    He’s a known con man. It could be a real injury, but it’s also totally reasonable to suspect a fake.

  26. 26
    windpond says:

    It’s as if the Flying Spaghetti Monster rammed the Rotini of Righteousness right in the bastard’s throat, just as He once stopped Limbaugh’s ears with the Vermicelli of Virtue. Ramen.

    Hilarious. Wonderful. Inspiring.

  27. 27
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    @Chris:

    How much would you charge to repeat the procedure against other individuals?

    If you’re thinking about shrub, he was stricken dumb long ago.

  28. 28
    👽 Martin says:

    And as expected, that fucking authoritarian DINO Al Franken is backing the NSA.

  29. 29
    JWL says:

    Think Dylan & Maggies Farm.

  30. 30
    Violet says:

    @Frankensteinbeck: Yeah, it seems like a strange condition to me. I wonder if there’s something more neurologically going on.

    I wonder how long the rubes will continue to pay to watch him show flashcards? Will the gravy train dry up?

  31. 31
    Todd says:

    Beck always reminds me of the kind of antisocial loser in school who would fart something nasty while blaming it on someone he deemed lower than him in his Walter Mitty fantasies.

    A real man blames it on his social equals or better, and owns up to it soon after, for everyone’s amusement…

  32. 32
    j says:

    He pulled that scam a few years ago when he said he was going blind (because that fat one OD’ed on Oxy and needed a cochlear implant).

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/.....51235.html

    But who can forget his “hemorrhoids from Hell” that almost killed him?
    video.

    He was going to sue everybody about his sore tush at that time too.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bX1rLv_hNeI

    He’s a phony doing whatever grifters do.

  33. 33
    Violet says:

    @Todd: He did the Morning Zoo radio in his younger days. I don’t think your profile of him is too far from the truth.

  34. 34
    Commenting at Balloon Juice Since 1937 says:

    Limpball’s deafness was a side effect of his oxycontin intake. Just saying.

  35. 35
    lamh35 says:

    Um ok, I don’t know why, but aside from just being extremely hot (would he be considered the hottest guy to play Superman?), is it sad that the biggest thing I love about the new Superman guy is that his girlfriend isn’t a stick-figure bobble head? His girlfriend is that MMA chick who was in that Haywire movie, Gina Carano (the hand to hand fight scene with her and her male co-stars were the best part of that movie) and also in Fast and the Furious. Also, rumor is that they may be looking at her to play Wonder Woman??? She’s certainly tall enough and built like an Amazon right?

  36. 36
    Todd says:

    @Baud:

    She’s not unattractive or without companionship options.

    There’s some story that marriage was in the works. Maybe this was a case of extreme cold feet.

    Or perhaps he was just sick of her shit, regardless of how hot she is.

  37. 37
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @Nunya:

    I like the beakers full of random colored liquids in the background of his set.

    Let’s ask this scientician!

  38. 38
    Mark B says:

    Snowden’s GF says:

    “Trouble of loving someone you are incompatible with means having the same endless talk for eight years in a row,” a post on Instagram said. “One of those times I wish I had wings.”

    OK, I couple of days ago, I jokingly wrote that the explanation was that he got into a fight with his girlfriend and it kind of spun out of control. I’m beginning to think I’m psychic.

  39. 39
    Baud says:

    @Todd:

    Who among us hasn’t responded to a bad breakup by disclosing state secrets?

  40. 40
    MattF says:

    @Nunya: And here I’d been assuming that was the cash bar.

  41. 41
    Keith says:

    So what’s Glenn Beck’s plague count now? Three? Four, including drug addiction?

  42. 42
    Mark B says:

    @Keith: doesn’t the bible promise us seven? One can only hope.

  43. 43
    Redshirt says:

    @lamh35: Yeah, she’s something else. Women’s MMA is a touchy subject though. I am SO psyched for the new Superman movie. It looks incredible from the previews.

    Also, Glenn Beck’s failing vocal cords is obviously a False Flag. Read infowars.com for the truth. Pasta formed sheeple.

  44. 44
  45. 45
    PsiFighter37 says:

    @Baud: Whenever I’m trying to impress women I’ve upset in some fashion, I always do it by disclosing the biggest secret that I know.

    Unfortunately, because I don’t have top-secret government clearance, this usually amounts to recounting times I’ve heard them release flatulence in my presence.

  46. 46
    Hal says:

    I’ve always found Glenn Beck creepy. Like serial killer driving around in an ice cream truck creepy. I’m so surprised anyone finds him appealing.

  47. 47
    danielx says:

    Wingnut douche-barge (much bigger than a canoe) Glenn Beck has been struck dumb

    And about fucking time, says I. In some cases silence is not only golden but well-deserved.

  48. 48
    Todd says:

    @Baud:

    Who among us hasn’t responded to a bad breakup by disclosing state secrets?

    Maybe she’s a nutcase and he had to get away in the most extreme way possible – a little time to think, a little time in China with bamboo shoots up the urethra, and a lot of time in a US supermax prison, to which she has no access.

  49. 49
    Trollhattan says:

    @Frankensteinbeck:

    Yeah, I say he’s on the grift, chapter the whateverth. “Awww, send poor widdle Gwenn some gold bucks.”

    The condition can be real; I’ll cite Linda Thompson as a notable sufferer.

  50. 50
    Redshirt says:

    I’d like to know more about the wondrous FSM and His plans for us. Is there a newsletter I can subscribe to?

  51. 51
    PsiFighter37 says:

    @Todd:

    a little time in China with bamboo shoots up the urethra

    This sounds morbidly unpleasant. If you have a forget-me-now handy, I’d like to take it right about now so I can erase that mental image.

  52. 52
    Todd says:

    @PsiFighter37:

    Unfortunately, because I don’t have top-secret government clearance, this usually amounts to recounting times I’ve heard them release flatulence in my presence.

    That’s gotta go AMAZINGLY well. Patches things right up, I imagine.

  53. 53
    Todd says:

    @PsiFighter37:

    This sounds morbidly unpleasant. If you have a forget-me-now handy, I’d like to take it right about now.

    Regrettably, it only took me .0043 of a second to realize that a bamboo shoot small enough to insert up a fingernail could also fit other places. My mind is sicker than it used to be.

  54. 54
    MattF says:

    @Todd: Maybe she’s figured out that it’s safe to assume that the NSA knows her address. Just sayin’.

  55. 55
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    @Todd:

    Aw hell, throw Beck into a tub full of candiru.

  56. 56
    j says:

    @PsiFighter37: DUH!

    Who is this “doctor”? It’s Beck doing street theater saying “They’re trying to shut me up!”. But his cult has such a short attention span that his 10 minute act was tuned out 2.4 seconds into it. And “classical music”?? That is a sure tune out for his apple sauce gummers and trailer trash audience.

    It’ll be all “Aw, Hell, Linda Lou, let’s go out and shoot our guns at the gumment” stuff.

    His use of Bonheoffer is another sop to his NAZI NAZI NAZI shit he was peddling years ago, when he insisted that Rockefeller Center has “secret Nazi images all over the building; ergo NBC is NAZI!”

    It was pointed out to him that the FOX/Newscorp HQ is also part of Rock Center, so he moved on to his next NAZI NAZI NAZI routine.

    Lewis Black slammed Beck into the ground.

    http://www.thedailyshow.com/wa.....tourette-s

    Beck has Nazi Tourettes!

  57. 57
    WereBear says:

    It seems to be a wingnut affliction.

    I know. Gobsmacked, right?

  58. 58
    Todd says:

    Damn. I keep looking to buy A Canticle for Leibowitz as an ebook, but its hopeless.

  59. 59
    JPL says:

    Last week the NYTimes had an article about James Van de Velde who was a suspect in killing a Yale University student in 1998. There was no evidence but his career appeared to be ruined at the time, although he is now a terrorism expert. Long story short they had a link to another article in 1999 which spoke about a radio shock jock who was selling Yale university dolls that the professor might want to keep in his trunk… or something. Anyway the dj was Glenn Beck.
    He’s been a fraud for a long, long, long time.

  60. 60
    gbear says:

    @Todd:

    Maybe she’s a nutcase and he had to get away in the most extreme way possible

    That’s what suicide is for.

    Back OT, Beck looks like he haz a pouty-face 2-year-old sad. This makes me feel somewhat warm inside.

  61. 61
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    The Confusion of Tongues has struck Glen, his has tied itself into knots.

    Hey Glen! How’s that gold doing?

  62. 62
    debbie says:

    @Baud:

    Glenn blames Obama.

    Did you know he actually fines himself $30 whenever he mentions Obama by name?

  63. 63
    BruceJ says:

    In Nomine Pasta, et Noodle, y Piratus sanctum, Ramen!

  64. 64
    Mike in NC says:

    To quote all of the wingnuts who infest our local newspapers: WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!

  65. 65
    Snarla says:

    I could have sworn Glenn Beck did this a year or two ago. Am I just prescient? *ponders*

  66. 66
    pacem appellant says:

    @Boots Day: I noticed that, too. Maybe he was a FOTC fan? Or he thinks he’s being funny? Nah, probably just an illiterate speech writer intern. Pour gasoline on him and get a new one.

  67. 67
    BethanyAnne says:

    I wonder if it’s related to what happened to Scott Adams?
    http://www.nbcnews.com/id/1544.....-disorder/

  68. 68
    Patricia Kayden says:

    @debbie: Fines himself? Where does the money go? Such an idiot. So glad that his side keeps losing the Presidency. I guess he’ll have a nervous breakdown when Secretary Clinton wins in 2016.

  69. 69
    BethanyAnne says:

    @WereBear: I wondered who would beat me to it, but when I didn’t see it in the first few comments I posted anyway :)

  70. 70
    Jebediah says:

    @Hal:

    I’ve always found Glenn Beck creepy. Like serial killer driving around in an ice cream truck creepy. I’m so surprised anyone finds him appealing.

    It is totally mystifying – and he’s a world-class creep. I know I have mentioned this at least once, so forgive the repetition, but back in his “morning zoo” DJ days, he called his big rival (live, on the air) and berated him for not being able to do anything right, including making a baby. The occasion was the miscarriage that the rival DJ’s wife or girlfriend had just suffered. Pure class.

  71. 71
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    Tom Cruse luvs him sum WalMart. He says that the company has improved the lives of women. He’s a great actor because I couldn’t have said that without choking to death from laughing my ass off.

  72. 72
    nellcote says:

    Can’t he just lipsync to a Greenwald rant?

  73. 73
    different-church-lady says:

    Wingnut douche-bargetanker (much bigger than a canoe barge)…

    Gotta fix ’em as I see ’em.

  74. 74
    Svensker says:

    @PsiFighter37:

    We had a friend in NJ who had it. She would go months being fine and then something would trigger the paralysis and she wouldn’t be able to talk for a couple of days, a week, two weeks, she never knew. First time I’d ever heard of it and I’m old.

  75. 75
    Jules says:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strozzapreti

    Strozzapreti (“priest strangler” in Italian) are typically an elongated form of cavatelli, or hand-rolled pasta. In the Emilia-Romagna, Tuscany and Umbria regions of Italy as well as in the microstate of San Marino the name is used for a baked cheese and vegetable dumpling

  76. 76
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    They call his condition “verklempt”. Of the many variations of the condition, his is cured by his being given money.

    Gold works too.

  77. 77
    sherparick says:

    More evidence that there is a God and that she has quite a sense of humor.

  78. 78
    Birthmarker says:

    “Sounds” like performance art playing off the NSA story.

    Also builds interest in his paid site.

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