Hands Down, the Worst 200 Bucks I Have Ever Spent

Because I have two dogs who love cat food I have basically surrendered my dining room table to Tunch’s food bowl, because the dogs can not reach it. I’ve watched him try to psych himself up and jump up to the table, which he can still reach, but I felt bad for all the effort my 11 year old life partner was going through. So I spent a couple hundred bucks on a cat tower for Tunch, and moved his food there. He responded by jumping up on the table where his food normal was, reached over, and knocked his bowl off the cat tower so the dogs could eat his food.

Regardless, I still love him, and many of you have asked for Tunch pics, so here is an action shot of him using his cat tower:

worthlessprick

Asshole. That seriously is the closest he has ever been to HIS GOD DAMNED CAT TOWER. Also, too:

prick

I guess just the proximity to the concept of climbing shit tired him out.

There you go. The most awesome and simultaneously worthless fucking cat on the planet.

85 replies
  1. 1
    lojasmo says:

    Aside from food, any money spent on a cat is money wasted.

    ETA: Can that beast actually climb?

  2. 2
    srv says:

    What the fuck were you thinking?

    I assumed you donated this monstrosity to the family that adopted the other kitteh.

    Just take it out and make a bonfire of it.

  3. 3
    ronin122 says:

    To be fair, Tunch isn’t being an asshole because he’s Tunch. He’s just doing what comes naturally to cats. Mine is a female asshole herself, despite being a sweetheart. They just like fucking with us because idk what else are they going to do for fun?

  4. 4
    NotMax says:

    Really need to put a foam rubber pad on the hardwood floor to stop jaw bruising from having it drop so much these days.

    Congressman Kevin Cramer:

    Forty years ago, the United States Supreme Court sanctioned abortion on demand. And we wonder why our culture sees school shootings so often.  Source

  5. 5
    NotMax says:

    What’s needed is a Cole tower — for sandwiches.

  6. 6
    PeakVT says:

    I got a couple of dollars worth of chuckles out of those pics, so it looks like money well spent from here.

    You should blow a cool grand on a treadmill next.

  7. 7
    Reasonable 4ce says:

    OT, but I would say this is rather scandalous

  8. 8
    Violet says:

    Did you put his food in the little room in the cat tower? Would be harder for him to knock off from there.

  9. 9
    kc says:

    Bwahahaha!

  10. 10
    Violet says:

    @kc: They are who we think they are.

  11. 11
    beltane says:

    Oh, come on. I can see that Tunch dearly loves his cat tower as a thing, just not as the kind of thing worth the effort of jumping on.

  12. 12
    Anne Laurie says:

    If you don’t want to admit defeat and donate the tower to your local shelter (if they don’t have space for it, they can run a raffle for their next fundraiser), then lift Tunch up and physically put him on an upper level of the tower. Every time you go past and he’s curled up at the base. Even if he doesn’t decide he likes the view, at least you’ll be curling a fifteen-pound dead weight several times a day…

  13. 13
    NotMax says:

    Cat food ‘toon still funny after all these years.

  14. 14
    Hal says:

    200 bucks? You didn’t have any empty cardboard boxes lying around?

    My friend just started fostering a little Pomeranian mix and she already has two cats. She just posted a photo of one of the cats sitting in the dogs crate while the dog has been relegated to the floor mat next to the crate.

  15. 15
    Violet says:

    @Anne Laurie: And Tunch will get a little exercise having to climb down from the top.

  16. 16
    beltane says:

    @Reasonable 4ce: This deserves its own FP story. I hope to God this will be the one time the GOP pays a price for this kind of bullshit. Breitbart lives on in these scumbags.

  17. 17
    Ash Can says:

    Posts like these are the real reason I hang around this joint. Everything else is just gravy.

  18. 18
    beltane says:

    @Hal: My dog loves her bed and is often very sad to see it occupied by one of the cats.

  19. 19
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Just watched the finale of “The Office”. Most shows still manage to lay an egg for series finales, even if it’s planned ahead of time (looking at you, “Chuck” and “Alias”, and partially at “Seinfeld”), but I think they knocked it out of the park. I won’t spoil anyone, but even if you haven’t watched the show in a long time, you should catch it.

    It definitely had its ups and downs more recently, and the quality in the past few seasons was far below the magic they were doing in seasons 2 and 3 (and parts of 4 and 5), but it was a hell of a show for 9 seasons. When long-running series like this end, it makes me feel all bittersweet, nostalgic, and old.

  20. 20
    Poopyman says:

    Rub catnip on it, especially the platform you want to put the food on. He probably doesn’t recognize the purpose you have in mind for it – his brain is only the size of a walnut, after all. Catnip cures all.

  21. 21
    Biff Longbotham says:

    Pardon the old chestnut…Tunch is so big that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house.

  22. 22
    scav says:

    Tunch is approaching the platonic ideal of cat faster than Xeno would approve.

    Congressman Kevin Cramer, however, not only broke the Xeno barrior moving toward idiocy, but blew through several levels of warp drive beyond it and created an entire post-Platonic ideal of WTFitude (and is less floofy and charming while at it).

  23. 23
    Narcissus says:

    It’s because he knows how much you spent on it.

    If you’d gotten him a rusty ladder out of a dumpster he’d love it.

  24. 24
    peach flavored shampoo says:

    Whats the weight limit on that tower? Perhaps the cat knows he’s over it by a mile

  25. 25
    lojasmo says:

    I think I know where the mustard is.

  26. 26
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    The poor guy collapsed at the thought of having to climb that thing. Yer a meanie John.

    Our cat Stewie has been climbing the chair at my computer desk every day since he was a kitten. In a year and a half he has been unable to rip or shred the covering in any way. It’s got to be some kind of steel or something (black canvas-like covering). Even the leather arm rests have withstood his daily onslaught though you can see poke-holes in various places on them. It’s an ergo chair with a separate forward-projecting headrest that he loves to hang from and rip into by vigorously kicking his hind legs.

    No need for a scratching post since that chair is all he needs.

  27. 27
    Punchy says:

    Worst $200 wasted ever, eh? So….you’ve never been to a strip club, have ye?

  28. 28
    Redshirt says:

    I wish I had a giant person shag tower.

  29. 29
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    The pics seem a bit blurry. Just sayin’.

    @Punchy: He said wasted.

  30. 30
    EnfantTerrible says:

    All due respect to Tunch, but *I* have the most worthless cat in the world – Minnie is her name – she is by far the stupidest and craziest cat I have ever known. Her idea of “fun” is to jump into my office chair and spin around. In the morning, she follows me around, meowing incessantly until I put something in her food dish, even when there is food there already. Worthless cat, but pretty nice all the same.

  31. 31
    AB says:

    That’s a damned shame. All of ours love our similar contraption, including the one who occasionally climbs to the top despite having gone blind.

  32. 32
    jl says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    All Cole pet pics are blurry. It’s over my head, but BJ egghead people say it’s some kind of physics thing related the TunchMass,

    I’m not surprised about the outcome of the TunchTower. Everyone knows he is a right wing Galtian, willing and eager to use his mighty upper body strength to fling that food bowl off that damn tower insult, in a burst of righteous wrath.

    And look how he leans into that tower, you can just feel the mighty, raw, animal strength.

  33. 33
  34. 34
    NonyNony says:

    @jl:

    All Cole pet pics are blurry. It’s over my head, but BJ egghead people say it’s some kind of physics thing related the TunchMass

    What kinds of presents do we get on TunchMass?

  35. 35
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @jl:

    but BJ egghead people say it’s some kind of physics thing related the TunchMass,

    I don’t buy it. My guess is that Cole fat-fingers the focus button time and time again.

  36. 36
    jl says:

    And I don’t think the money was wasted. The contraption has an artsy Merzbau dada look that classes up the joint. Maybe Cole could figure out how to turn into a home gym workout thingee.

  37. 37
    mclaren says:

    C’mon, Cole. You’re surprised? You’ve owned a cat for…how many years now? And you still don’t know this about cats?

    Spend $500 on some lavish cat bed, and the cat will spend all day sitting in a cardboard box left over from your printer. Spend $1000 on a super-deluxe cat tower, and the cat will spend all its time hiding inside an empty cardboard case for a 12-pack of Pepsi.

    Cats are assholes. Get used to it.

  38. 38
    MomSense says:

    My cats are assholes of a different variety. It has been like the changing of the guard here lately with the cats taking turns around the clock going outside. And if it is 3 am and you do not hear outside cat meow–inside cat will find you, and wake you up with horrible meows on your face until you follow him to the back door to open the door to facilitate this changing of the guard.

    We couldn’t figure out what on earth was going on until my son heard one of the cats growling and went out to investigate. We have new neighbors who have a cat and my dynamic duo is guarding their territory. Basically this poor new neighbor cat is being contained to the step in front of his own front door and behind the shrubs next to the front of his house. If he even steps onto his walkway one of the cats comes out from behind a car or a tree to chase him back.

    I have feline bullies! I’m going to have to start baking pies for the neighbors or something.

  39. 39
    jl says:

    @NonyNony:

    Silly, on TunchMass you give presents to Tunch.

    Fer crying out loud…

  40. 40
    MikeInSewickley says:

    “In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” – Terry Pratchett.

    As I look at the half-a-desk I’ve had to give over to the cats to lounge on and me squeezed between piles of books and papers, I realize that house cats become like the 1% – to them everyone else is just staff.

  41. 41
    gmann says:

    For $200 you should wake up hungover, 1/2 naked and covered with honey

  42. 42
    PurpleGirl says:

    @srv: Find a local shelter, call and find out if they have people who foster cats/kittens for adoption. Then donate the cat tower to those people by way of the shelter. Several Momma cats and bunches of litters will bless you and Tunch.

  43. 43
    Steeplejack says:

    “This is mine. I don’t have to use it; you just have to know that it is mine.”

  44. 44
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @gmann: You obviously live somewhere less expensive than any place I’ve ever been. No way you can get that for less than a grand.

  45. 45
    Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism says:

    Cats and Desk

    It’s a shame, Cole, really. My crew fight over our cat tower.

    Perhaps if you moved it near a window?

  46. 46

    With things like that cat tree, I have found that if you don’t introduce it to the cat when it’s a kitten, it’s unlikely to ever actually be interested in it.

  47. 47
    PeorgieTirebiter says:

    Come on, The 2nd picture and caption alone is worth $200 bucks. Thanks, first good laugh I’ve had all day.

  48. 48
    Joseph Nobles says:

    @NonyNony: You get to live.

  49. 49
    Howard Beale says:

    Time for a thorough review of all the “My cat from Hell” episodes. Maybe then you can figure out Tuch’s real needs.

  50. 50
    GregB says:

    That is about as useful as binoculars for Stevie Wonder.

  51. 51
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Hal:

    My friend just started fostering a little Pomeranian mix and she already has two cats. She just posted a photo of one of the cats sitting in the dogs crate while the dog has been relegated to the floor mat next to the crate.

    Many years ago, when we brought our first little dog to a family gathering in his crate, the inlaws were like “Oooh, so crooo-el you are!… “

    Then they had to physically remove their 16-month-old from the dog crate. Twice.

    We’d actually brought the crate along in case Galley needed a safe place to escape from toddler hands & grown-up feet, so you could say it was working as intended.

  52. 52
    NotMax says:

    @NonyNony

    Deck the halls with Tunch’s hairballs
    Fa la la la la, la la la la

  53. 53
    mclaren says:

    @The prophet Nostradumbass:

    Ohhhhhhhhhh, no, it’s way more feline than that. The cat senses how much money you spent on that elaborate widget, and shuns whatever you bought in direct proportion to how many scudi you blew on it. The feline attitude is “I am the important one here. If you spent money on some thing, you are implying that the thing is more important than ME, your feline lord and master.

  54. 54
    Mnemosyne says:

    Am I the only one who suspects that Tunch uses the tower while John is gone and jumps out of it as soon as he hears John’s car pulling in?

    Our cat Natasha loved her tower so much that on the last day of her life she dragged herself up into it and died there. (Animal cancer sucks almost as much as human cancer.)

  55. 55
    Yatsuno says:

    Proper authoritahs alerted. Though she is aware. I’d still get in trouble if I didn’t say anything though. It’s a weird fake marriage.

  56. 56
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @gmann:
    You forgot dribbled wax.

  57. 57
    trollhattan says:

    Jesus, that’s one beige tableau. All it needs is a tuna-noodle-mushroom soup casserole to make it a Lutheran after-service potluck. Mit größe Katze.

  58. 58
    asiangrrlMN says:

    TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCHIE! Lawsy, I love that cat more than is seemly. Thanks, Cole! You made my night!

    @Yatsuno: Thanks, hon. I saw the pics on Cole’s FB page, but didn’t know he’d posted them!

  59. 59
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: All for $200?

  60. 60
    Mnemosyne says:

    @trollhattan:

    No kidding. How would Cole even know if the cat had been on the tower? His fur blends right in.

  61. 61
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    OT:

    Listening to all of the Republican congresscritters talking about how the “scandals” that Obama is supposedly the ringleader of and how these are worse than Watergate, Iran-Contra and various other scandals in the past, while I understand that the Republicans are trying to make it look like these “scandals” today are worse than these past events to underscore the supposed seriousness of them, it came to me that what they are doing is reminding people of all of their own past crimes in order to smear Democrats/Obama. When nothing comes of all of the and people move on, some people are going to remember the history lessons recently given to them by Republicans and how they seem to be involved in many of the past scandals in our country.

    That would be a good thing with the 2014 elections coming up.

  62. 62
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    I’m sure that somewhere on the internets there is a coupon for that ‘special’.

  63. 63
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Disease free?

  64. 64
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Of course not.

  65. 65
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Well, there you have it.

  66. 66
    ellie says:

    I enjoy fat, fluffy kitties. I have one of those but he is a Maine Coon and he is naturally 25 pounds. Not that there is anything wrong with being a regular cat weighing 25 pounds. I am just saying.

  67. 67
    Valerie says:

    I had this issue before. Sprinkle cat nip all over it or spray catnip spray all over it. It works.

  68. 68

    @ellie: My cat’s a Maine Coon, and he only weighs around 11 pounds.

  69. 69
    gmann says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Only $200 because it’s BYOHoney

  70. 70
    gmann says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Also BYOD(isease). . . but they wash the car too

  71. 71
    Mnemosyne says:

    @ellie:
    @The prophet Nostradumbass:

    Our cat Annie looks exactly like the classic Maine Coon — tufted ears, snowshoe paws, ruff and all — and she only weighs 8 pounds. We call her our midget Maine Coon.

    But they really are one of the largest domestic cats — Keaton (who is part Maine Coon) is “only” about 15 pounds and he startles people who visit us because he’s the size of a small terrier (like a smallish Jack Russell, but in cat form). So a 25-pound Maine Coon could easily be a normal weight (as in, not obese).

  72. 72
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Not me! :)

  73. 73

    @Mnemosyne: Oh, I know, I was just having a bit of fun. My previous cat was an American Shorthair who weighed 15 pounds, and it was all muscle.

  74. 74
    Batocchio says:

    For what it’s worth, I’ve known cats that love those things. They like being up high where they can look down on prey, etc. You could probably re-sell it, at a loss, sure, but recoup some of the cost.

  75. 75
    Luci says:

    These posts always make my day… no matter HOW frustrating life can be… there is always Tunch… and Lily… and Rosie…Thanks for them John Cole! :)

  76. 76
    lou says:

    Our new cat is the lucky recipient of someone’s largesse to another cat. A friend bought an elaborate water fountain for her boyfriend’s cat. The cat stuck a paw in it a couple of times, but otherwise ignored it. So when we adopted our new guy, she gave it to me in hopes he would use it. He loooooves it and only drinks water from the fountain and not from a bowl.

    Of course if we had bought it, it would be sitting in a corner unloved and unused.

  77. 77
    NorthLeft12 says:

    Cat Tower? That looks more like a Cat Everest! How the hell did you get that massive thing home?

    Full disclosure; my wife and I have bought two different Cat Split Levels [together they may have been half of your edifice] and were equally ignored by our two cats.

  78. 78
    johnny's mom says:

    One of the laws of Cat is to ignore, nay rebuff, any and all attempts to win over said cat’s affection/approval, for a minimum of 3 months. Has it been 3 months yet?

  79. 79
    gogol's wife says:

    Just got up and looked at this picture, and my husband and I are cracking up. We feel so vindicated in our decision never to buy one of these things. I’ve never had a cat who liked the purpose-built thing. Scratching posts are pristine while furniture is shredded. Cat beds are like new while human beds are covered with fur.

  80. 80
    zirgar says:

    Of all the toys I’ve bought for my cat since she adopted me, her favorite thing to play with, nay the only thing she plays with at all, are water bottle caps. That’s right. Water Bottle Caps. She loves them. Toys I buy specifically for her, no dice. They all still sit right in the spot on the floor where I dropped them the very first time. *sigh* But when she curls up in my lap to take a nap or when she rubs her face on my forehead it makes it all worthwhile. She’s the gentlest soul I have ever known.

  81. 81
    Rob says:

    Like a couple people above have said, catnip. You need to sprinkle that on the top or use that catnip spray to get him to use it.

  82. 82
    accidentalfission says:

    @lojasmo: We got one for $139 that has two different scratching surfaces and is used extensively.

    We call it the “Burj DuCat.”

  83. 83
    ET says:

    Put the food bowl on the cat tree and it is a win win win.

    Bowl is off the ground so the doggies don’t eat the cat food.
    Tunch uses the tree.
    Tunch “exercises” by getting up the tree to eat.

  84. 84

    Thanks, Cole – this post had me in tears of laughter.

  85. 85
    EmmATX says:

    I third or whatever the idea of catnip, and also suggest you just wait for a while. I have a smaller cat tree, and it took several months before my cat would get on the lower platform, and at least a year before he started sleeping on the top platform, but he loves it now. Many times I come home from work and he is slumbering peacefully on his top perch. So there is hope! He still won’t use the scratching post though; he prefers my armchair, damn cat.

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