Because I have two dogs who love cat food I have basically surrendered my dining room table to Tunch’s food bowl, because the dogs can not reach it. I’ve watched him try to psych himself up and jump up to the table, which he can still reach, but I felt bad for all the effort my 11 year old life partner was going through. So I spent a couple hundred bucks on a cat tower for Tunch, and moved his food there. He responded by jumping up on the table where his food normal was, reached over, and knocked his bowl off the cat tower so the dogs could eat his food.
Regardless, I still love him, and many of you have asked for Tunch pics, so here is an action shot of him using his cat tower:
Asshole. That seriously is the closest he has ever been to HIS GOD DAMNED CAT TOWER. Also, too:
I guess just the proximity to the concept of climbing shit tired him out.
There you go. The most awesome and simultaneously worthless fucking cat on the planet.
lojasmo
Aside from food, any money spent on a cat is money wasted.
ETA: Can that beast actually climb?
srv
What the fuck were you thinking?
I assumed you donated this monstrosity to the family that adopted the other kitteh.
Just take it out and make a bonfire of it.
ronin122
To be fair, Tunch isn’t being an asshole because he’s Tunch. He’s just doing what comes naturally to cats. Mine is a female asshole herself, despite being a sweetheart. They just like fucking with us because idk what else are they going to do for fun?
NotMax
Really need to put a foam rubber pad on the hardwood floor to stop jaw bruising from having it drop so much these days.
Congressman Kevin Cramer:
NotMax
What’s needed is a Cole tower — for sandwiches.
PeakVT
I got a couple of dollars worth of chuckles out of those pics, so it looks like money well spent from here.
You should blow a cool grand on a treadmill next.
Reasonable 4ce
OT, but I would say this is rather scandalous
Violet
Did you put his food in the little room in the cat tower? Would be harder for him to knock off from there.
kc
Bwahahaha!
Violet
@kc: They are who we think they are.
beltane
Oh, come on. I can see that Tunch dearly loves his cat tower as a thing, just not as the kind of thing worth the effort of jumping on.
Anne Laurie
If you don’t want to admit defeat and donate the tower to your local shelter (if they don’t have space for it, they can run a raffle for their next fundraiser), then lift Tunch up and physically put him on an upper level of the tower. Every time you go past and he’s curled up at the base. Even if he doesn’t decide he likes the view, at least you’ll be curling a fifteen-pound dead weight several times a day…
NotMax
Cat food ‘toon still funny after all these years.
Hal
200 bucks? You didn’t have any empty cardboard boxes lying around?
My friend just started fostering a little Pomeranian mix and she already has two cats. She just posted a photo of one of the cats sitting in the dogs crate while the dog has been relegated to the floor mat next to the crate.
Violet
@Anne Laurie: And Tunch will get a little exercise having to climb down from the top.
beltane
@Reasonable 4ce: This deserves its own FP story. I hope to God this will be the one time the GOP pays a price for this kind of bullshit. Breitbart lives on in these scumbags.
Ash Can
Posts like these are the real reason I hang around this joint. Everything else is just gravy.
beltane
@Hal: My dog loves her bed and is often very sad to see it occupied by one of the cats.
PsiFighter37
Just watched the finale of “The Office”. Most shows still manage to lay an egg for series finales, even if it’s planned ahead of time (looking at you, “Chuck” and “Alias”, and partially at “Seinfeld”), but I think they knocked it out of the park. I won’t spoil anyone, but even if you haven’t watched the show in a long time, you should catch it.
It definitely had its ups and downs more recently, and the quality in the past few seasons was far below the magic they were doing in seasons 2 and 3 (and parts of 4 and 5), but it was a hell of a show for 9 seasons. When long-running series like this end, it makes me feel all bittersweet, nostalgic, and old.
Poopyman
Rub catnip on it, especially the platform you want to put the food on. He probably doesn’t recognize the purpose you have in mind for it – his brain is only the size of a walnut, after all. Catnip cures all.
Biff Longbotham
Pardon the old chestnut…Tunch is so big that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house.
scav
Tunch is approaching the platonic ideal of cat faster than Xeno would approve.
Congressman Kevin Cramer, however, not only broke the Xeno barrior moving toward idiocy, but blew through several levels of warp drive beyond it and created an entire post-Platonic ideal of WTFitude (and is less floofy and charming while at it).
Narcissus
It’s because he knows how much you spent on it.
If you’d gotten him a rusty ladder out of a dumpster he’d love it.
peach flavored shampoo
Whats the weight limit on that tower? Perhaps the cat knows he’s over it by a mile
lojasmo
I think I know where the mustard is.
Odie Hugh Manatee
The poor guy collapsed at the thought of having to climb that thing. Yer a meanie John.
Our cat Stewie has been climbing the chair at my computer desk every day since he was a kitten. In a year and a half he has been unable to rip or shred the covering in any way. It’s got to be some kind of steel or something (black canvas-like covering). Even the leather arm rests have withstood his daily onslaught though you can see poke-holes in various places on them. It’s an ergo chair with a separate forward-projecting headrest that he loves to hang from and rip into by vigorously kicking his hind legs.
No need for a scratching post since that chair is all he needs.
Punchy
Worst $200 wasted ever, eh? So….you’ve never been to a strip club, have ye?
Redshirt
I wish I had a giant person shag tower.
Omnes Omnibus
The pics seem a bit blurry. Just sayin’.
@Punchy: He said wasted.
EnfantTerrible
All due respect to Tunch, but *I* have the most worthless cat in the world – Minnie is her name – she is by far the stupidest and craziest cat I have ever known. Her idea of “fun” is to jump into my office chair and spin around. In the morning, she follows me around, meowing incessantly until I put something in her food dish, even when there is food there already. Worthless cat, but pretty nice all the same.
AB
That’s a damned shame. All of ours love our similar contraption, including the one who occasionally climbs to the top despite having gone blind.
jl
@Omnes Omnibus:
All Cole pet pics are blurry. It’s over my head, but BJ egghead people say it’s some kind of physics thing related the TunchMass,
I’m not surprised about the outcome of the TunchTower. Everyone knows he is a right wing Galtian, willing and eager to use his mighty upper body strength to fling that food bowl off that damn tower insult, in a burst of righteous wrath.
And look how he leans into that tower, you can just feel the mighty, raw, animal strength.
replicnt6
I think Condi said it best:
http://www.cafepress.com/balloonjuice.485638848
NonyNony
@jl:
What kinds of presents do we get on TunchMass?
Omnes Omnibus
@jl:
I don’t buy it. My guess is that Cole fat-fingers the focus button time and time again.
jl
And I don’t think the money was wasted. The contraption has an artsy Merzbau dada look that classes up the joint. Maybe Cole could figure out how to turn into a home gym workout thingee.
mclaren
C’mon, Cole. You’re surprised? You’ve owned a cat for…how many years now? And you still don’t know this about cats?
Spend $500 on some lavish cat bed, and the cat will spend all day sitting in a cardboard box left over from your printer. Spend $1000 on a super-deluxe cat tower, and the cat will spend all its time hiding inside an empty cardboard case for a 12-pack of Pepsi.
Cats are assholes. Get used to it.
MomSense
My cats are assholes of a different variety. It has been like the changing of the guard here lately with the cats taking turns around the clock going outside. And if it is 3 am and you do not hear outside cat meow–inside cat will find you, and wake you up with horrible meows on your face until you follow him to the back door to open the door to facilitate this changing of the guard.
We couldn’t figure out what on earth was going on until my son heard one of the cats growling and went out to investigate. We have new neighbors who have a cat and my dynamic duo is guarding their territory. Basically this poor new neighbor cat is being contained to the step in front of his own front door and behind the shrubs next to the front of his house. If he even steps onto his walkway one of the cats comes out from behind a car or a tree to chase him back.
I have feline bullies! I’m going to have to start baking pies for the neighbors or something.
jl
@NonyNony:
Silly, on TunchMass you give presents to Tunch.
Fer crying out loud…
MikeInSewickley
“In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods; they have not forgotten this.” – Terry Pratchett.
As I look at the half-a-desk I’ve had to give over to the cats to lounge on and me squeezed between piles of books and papers, I realize that house cats become like the 1% – to them everyone else is just staff.
gmann
For $200 you should wake up hungover, 1/2 naked and covered with honey
PurpleGirl
@srv: Find a local shelter, call and find out if they have people who foster cats/kittens for adoption. Then donate the cat tower to those people by way of the shelter. Several Momma cats and bunches of litters will bless you and Tunch.
Steeplejack
“This is mine. I don’t have to use it; you just have to know that it is mine.”
Omnes Omnibus
@gmann: You obviously live somewhere less expensive than any place I’ve ever been. No way you can get that for less than a grand.
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
Cats and Desk
It’s a shame, Cole, really. My crew fight over our cat tower.
Perhaps if you moved it near a window?
The prophet Nostradumbass
With things like that cat tree, I have found that if you don’t introduce it to the cat when it’s a kitten, it’s unlikely to ever actually be interested in it.
PeorgieTirebiter
Come on, The 2nd picture and caption alone is worth $200 bucks. Thanks, first good laugh I’ve had all day.
Joseph Nobles
@NonyNony: You get to live.
Howard Beale
Time for a thorough review of all the “My cat from Hell” episodes. Maybe then you can figure out Tuch’s real needs.
GregB
That is about as useful as binoculars for Stevie Wonder.
Anne Laurie
@Hal:
Many years ago, when we brought our first little dog to a family gathering in his crate, the inlaws were like “Oooh, so crooo-el you are!… “
Then they had to physically remove their 16-month-old from the dog crate. Twice.
We’d actually brought the crate along in case Galley needed a safe place to escape from toddler hands & grown-up feet, so you could say it was working as intended.
NotMax
@NonyNony
Deck the halls with Tunch’s hairballs
Fa la la la la, la la la la
mclaren
@The prophet Nostradumbass:
Ohhhhhhhhhh, no, it’s way more feline than that. The cat senses how much money you spent on that elaborate widget, and shuns whatever you bought in direct proportion to how many scudi you blew on it. The feline attitude is “I am the important one here. If you spent money on some thing, you are implying that the thing is more important than ME, your feline lord and master.“
Mnemosyne
Am I the only one who suspects that Tunch uses the tower while John is gone and jumps out of it as soon as he hears John’s car pulling in?
Our cat Natasha loved her tower so much that on the last day of her life she dragged herself up into it and died there. (Animal cancer sucks almost as much as human cancer.)
Yatsuno
Proper authoritahs alerted. Though she is aware. I’d still get in trouble if I didn’t say anything though. It’s a weird fake marriage.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@gmann:
You forgot dribbled wax.
trollhattan
Jesus, that’s one beige tableau. All it needs is a tuna-noodle-mushroom soup casserole to make it a Lutheran after-service potluck. Mit größe Katze.
asiangrrlMN
TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCHIE! Lawsy, I love that cat more than is seemly. Thanks, Cole! You made my night!
@Yatsuno: Thanks, hon. I saw the pics on Cole’s FB page, but didn’t know he’d posted them!
Omnes Omnibus
@Odie Hugh Manatee: All for $200?
Mnemosyne
@trollhattan:
No kidding. How would Cole even know if the cat had been on the tower? His fur blends right in.
Odie Hugh Manatee
OT:
Listening to all of the Republican congresscritters talking about how the “scandals” that Obama is supposedly the ringleader of and how these are worse than Watergate, Iran-Contra and various other scandals in the past, while I understand that the Republicans are trying to make it look like these “scandals” today are worse than these past events to underscore the supposed seriousness of them, it came to me that what they are doing is reminding people of all of their own past crimes in order to smear Democrats/Obama. When nothing comes of all of the and people move on, some people are going to remember the history lessons recently given to them by Republicans and how they seem to be involved in many of the past scandals in our country.
That would be a good thing with the 2014 elections coming up.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Omnes Omnibus:
I’m sure that somewhere on the internets there is a coupon for that ‘special’.
Omnes Omnibus
@Odie Hugh Manatee: Disease free?
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Omnes Omnibus:
Of course not.
Omnes Omnibus
@Odie Hugh Manatee: Well, there you have it.
ellie
I enjoy fat, fluffy kitties. I have one of those but he is a Maine Coon and he is naturally 25 pounds. Not that there is anything wrong with being a regular cat weighing 25 pounds. I am just saying.
Valerie
I had this issue before. Sprinkle cat nip all over it or spray catnip spray all over it. It works.
The prophet Nostradumbass
@ellie: My cat’s a Maine Coon, and he only weighs around 11 pounds.
gmann
@Omnes Omnibus:
Only $200 because it’s BYOHoney
gmann
@Omnes Omnibus:
Also BYOD(isease). . . but they wash the car too
Mnemosyne
@ellie:
@The prophet Nostradumbass:
Our cat Annie looks exactly like the classic Maine Coon — tufted ears, snowshoe paws, ruff and all — and she only weighs 8 pounds. We call her our midget Maine Coon.
But they really are one of the largest domestic cats — Keaton (who is part Maine Coon) is “only” about 15 pounds and he startles people who visit us because he’s the size of a small terrier (like a smallish Jack Russell, but in cat form). So a 25-pound Maine Coon could easily be a normal weight (as in, not obese).
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Omnes Omnibus:
Not me! :)
The prophet Nostradumbass
@Mnemosyne: Oh, I know, I was just having a bit of fun. My previous cat was an American Shorthair who weighed 15 pounds, and it was all muscle.
Batocchio
For what it’s worth, I’ve known cats that love those things. They like being up high where they can look down on prey, etc. You could probably re-sell it, at a loss, sure, but recoup some of the cost.
Luci
These posts always make my day… no matter HOW frustrating life can be… there is always Tunch… and Lily… and Rosie…Thanks for them John Cole! :)
lou
Our new cat is the lucky recipient of someone’s largesse to another cat. A friend bought an elaborate water fountain for her boyfriend’s cat. The cat stuck a paw in it a couple of times, but otherwise ignored it. So when we adopted our new guy, she gave it to me in hopes he would use it. He loooooves it and only drinks water from the fountain and not from a bowl.
Of course if we had bought it, it would be sitting in a corner unloved and unused.
NorthLeft12
Cat Tower? That looks more like a Cat Everest! How the hell did you get that massive thing home?
Full disclosure; my wife and I have bought two different Cat Split Levels [together they may have been half of your edifice] and were equally ignored by our two cats.
johnny's mom
One of the laws of Cat is to ignore, nay rebuff, any and all attempts to win over said cat’s affection/approval, for a minimum of 3 months. Has it been 3 months yet?
gogol's wife
Just got up and looked at this picture, and my husband and I are cracking up. We feel so vindicated in our decision never to buy one of these things. I’ve never had a cat who liked the purpose-built thing. Scratching posts are pristine while furniture is shredded. Cat beds are like new while human beds are covered with fur.
zirgar
Of all the toys I’ve bought for my cat since she adopted me, her favorite thing to play with, nay the only thing she plays with at all, are water bottle caps. That’s right. Water Bottle Caps. She loves them. Toys I buy specifically for her, no dice. They all still sit right in the spot on the floor where I dropped them the very first time. *sigh* But when she curls up in my lap to take a nap or when she rubs her face on my forehead it makes it all worthwhile. She’s the gentlest soul I have ever known.
Rob
Like a couple people above have said, catnip. You need to sprinkle that on the top or use that catnip spray to get him to use it.
accidentalfission
@lojasmo: We got one for $139 that has two different scratching surfaces and is used extensively.
We call it the “Burj DuCat.”
ET
Put the food bowl on the cat tree and it is a win win win.
Bowl is off the ground so the doggies don’t eat the cat food.
Tunch uses the tree.
Tunch “exercises” by getting up the tree to eat.
Knight of Nothing
Thanks, Cole – this post had me in tears of laughter.
EmmATX
I third or whatever the idea of catnip, and also suggest you just wait for a while. I have a smaller cat tree, and it took several months before my cat would get on the lower platform, and at least a year before he started sleeping on the top platform, but he loves it now. Many times I come home from work and he is slumbering peacefully on his top perch. So there is hope! He still won’t use the scratching post though; he prefers my armchair, damn cat.