Been a long and busy, yet productive day. I’m exhausted and watching the Silver Linings Playbook. Kind of funny that Cooper is such a smash hit, when I still remember him as the boyfriend from Season 1 of Alias. And is Jennifer Lawrence just beautiful or what?
It’s the end of the semester, so I have been dealing with all the end of the semester BS while also trying to wind down the year for the fraternity boys. Went to get a bunch of plaques made for the award ceremony on Friday, and tomorrow I have to go get the composite framed. One of the boys is coming with me (the old President), and I told him we would do that, then go get lunch and a pedicure (I figured he would want one, he plays football and I figgered his feet would be mangled). Instead I was told I was gay.
Exactly what about taking care of your feet is gay? I really do not get all the sexual hangups in this country. Hell, every Pittsburgh Steeler got manicures and pedicures because they understood their feet and their hands were their livelihood, and some of the most butch straight guys I know from the military get pedicures, because combat boots kill your damned feet.
We are a really weird country. Apparently, in order to be manly, you have to have shitty feet, a jacked up pick-up truck, listen to really bad music like Toby Keith, and develop heart disease. I don’t get it. I never will.
I like to feel good. Call me a fag all you want.
EriktheRed
I’m not gay, either and I like scented candles.
Not the flowery kind of scents, mind you, cuz that would be gay.
Morzer
Well, so long as you don’t get a Mark Sanchez tattoo in unmentionable areas, I guess we can handle your lustful cock-monsterhood.
Cacti
Fag.
Narcissus
Okay, Fag All You Want.
Redshirt
You seriously asked a young recent college grad to go frame some awards, a light lunch, and a pedicure, and you don’t think that’s pretty dang gay?
geg6
Whoa! Hold on a minute! As far as I can tell, only one gender of Americans think this. And not even all of them. The gay ones totally have no problem with this stuff (though I also know slovenly gay guys, too). Men, especially young men, are prone to this type of thinking.
Women? Not so much. Most of us prefer feet that don’t feel like deer hoofs, prefer not climb into some mud-covered truck which will show our genitals to everyone in sight when we try to get into it in a dress, and are repulsed by fat, slovenly, drunken Dixie cup afficianado Toby Keith.
Soonergrunt
Hell, I wore women’s hosiery for years as an Infantryman.
Nothing better than women’s nylons under your wool socks for wicking the moisture away from the foot and preventing hotspots and blisters.
Crusty old 2-tour Vietnam Vet taught me that one.
Laur
I HATED that movie. God all those characters were insufferable. I wanted to slap them. Especially Tiffany. She needed to stop yelling about everything.
Morzer
@Redshirt:
Maybe Cole is reclaiming his manliness after years of being oppressed by Tunch? Small steps, but significant ones.
Or this could all be a distraction from his sizzling affair with the wife of his boss.
jrg
Speaking of fraternities and sororities, did anyone read that insane sorority letter?
Don’t click that link with the sound on if there are kids around or if you’re at work.
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
Depends on who will be giving the pedicure.
If you could have told him that it was an excuse to get a foot massage by a young Asian woman, it might have gone over better.
Redshirt
@Morzer: LOL. It’s all a cover.
Next time, after the pedicure, hit the mall for some shoe shopping (you’re worth it, John!) then maybe a quick slip into the tanning bed. Summer’s coming right ’round the corner!
Avery Greynold
I want to have all my “exhaust” hole hair removed. Call me gay. Or call me over 50, cuz ever since, hair growth has taken off everywhere it shouldn’t and cleaning is a bear. Or like on a bear. The alternative is to buy a bidet, but that would be over-the-top.
Gravenstone
@Soonergrunt: Please tell me you limited yourself to just the knee highs. Or did you go the full Joe Namath for their insulating benefits as well?
PsiFighter37
Not to nitpick, but Bradley Cooper was Sydney Bristow’s best friend (along with Francie) in the first couple seasons of Alias. She was engaged at the beginning of the show, and then was crushing on Vaughn thereafter. She did have one episode where she hooked up with him in the later seasons, but that was all.
God, Cole, get your facts right.
Redshirt
I see where this thread is going.
It’s gonna be rainin’ men in here lickety split!
The rain storm of men will be called “Harry”, by the way.
Roger Moore
@EriktheRed:
I don’t get how anyone can stand those things. Not because they’re gay, but because they stink to high heaven. I can’t walk past the open door of a scented candle store without holding my nose.
Morzer
@Redshirt:
They have tanning beds that are five Tunch units in size?
At least Cole hasn’t yet announced his engagement to Lennay Kekua. But the week is dark and full of terrors.
Morzer
@Roger Moore:
Further proof that elitist liberals are the real bigots.
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@Redshirt: It’s Raining Men
Redshirt
@Morzer: The incredibly fat deserve to indoor tan too.
Morzer
A bit of good news that doesn’t relate to Cole’s protean sensuality- Ed Markey beat Stephen Lynch in the primary. The GOP ended up with Gabriel Gomez – and the local GOP activists are disgusted by his apparent liberalism and are vowing not to vote for him.
Roger Moore
@Morzer:
Are you saying that Real Americans™ are anosmic?
beltane
I saw a jacked-up, mud-spattered pickup truck at my son’s little league game yesterday. There were four boxer-ish dogs in the back looking like they were getting ready for a card game. My son is embittered that we do not have such a truck, and that our dog is such a wuss that she allows the cats to bug her while she’s eating. Oh well.
Soonergrunt
@Gravenstone: In the field, you don’t want the insulating benefits unless you’re looking to become a heat casualty. Don’t wear underwear or anything else under your trousers. Nice healthy breeze around the plumbing thanks.
The alternative is jungle rot. I’ll leave that to your imagination. And these problems can happen regardless of the climate. You might put garments on over the top of the trousers, but NEVER under them.
BobbyK
Mr. Cole,
Don’t know if you realize it but this entire post is funny as hell. Don’t know if you were going for funny but I laughed.
scav
damn. more on the less amusing side of ‘mercan cultural genius — least the kid’s not gay, right?
Morzer
@Redshirt:
True, but all too often desire outruns performance.
TaMara (BHF)
@geg6: Can you explain how Otis bit his tongue? I’m sorry to hear it, but have to admit I kinda giggled at the idea that it could happen.
RobertDSC-eMac 1.25
I guess this is the one time Jesse Ventura’s line in Predator fits:
“Buncha slack-jawed faggots around here.”
Still cracks me up.
RSA
I talk like a fag, and my shit’s all retarded, but I’m okay with that.
Gin & Tonic
@Roger Moore: I’m not the only one, then. Yankee Candle to me is one of the inner circles of Hell.
Morzer
@Roger Moore:
My GOP bigot has no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible.
beltane
@Roger Moore: Scented candles are not gay, they are vaguely toxic. Beeswax candles are expensive but they smell the way a candle is supposed to smell.
gbear
Well I am gay and I hate showtunes and disco. I grew up listening to Mott The Hoople and the J. Geils Band.
…although there was also that absolute total crush on The Beatles. I was the only boy in my 4th grade class who thought they were cool.
And my feet look like shit. I bought a bubble massage footbath rather than go in for a pedicure. I thought it was too gay.
Morzer
@Gin & Tonic:
It’s a gateway drug, you know. Such things can only lead to plump, simpering men getting pedicures with college boys, corrupting the youth and introducing new gods (of a furry, malevolent and tyrannical disposition).
Gravenstone
@Soonergrunt: And here we learn where the term “going commando” came from.
Redshirt
@Morzer: You put it that way, it’s like what happened with Socrates. Pronounced, So-Crates, by the by.
Now I know that I know everything!
Narcissus
@scav: Barbarism
Roger Moore
@beltane:
My BIL is a beekeeper, so I have access to a good supply.
Morzer
@Redshirt:
I always thought it was Soccer Tees, which sounds mighty like a goddamn atheist Yurpean name to me.
TaMara (BHF)
I’m sure you meant to end that sentence with the “not that there’s anything wrong with that” right?
And guys, want to win points with your significant other? Don’t come to bed with feet that feel like lava rock.
Redshirt
@Morzer: Didn’t Soccer Tees fight crime with his sidekick Play Dough? Or am I confused now?
Redshirt
@TaMara (BHF): That’s Thing discrimination.
Morzer
@Redshirt:
Best I can recall, it was with his brother Snorg.
Soonergrunt
@scav: If only the two-year-old was armed herself, she could have stood her ground. The only thing that stops a Pre-Kindergardener with a gun is another Pre-Kindergardener with a gun.
I’m just so burned out on that shit. If I don’t make a joke, I’ll start screaming.
YellowJournalism
I liked Silver Linings Playbook because it seemed to have a more accurate portrayal of mental illness and how it affects family relationships. The woman who played the mother was perfect, IMO.
Morzer
@Soonergrunt:
If we don’t arm our teachers, how can they dispose of the budding jihadis in kindergarten? It’ll be as bad as Ben Ghazi, that lying Muslim SOB.
Cacti
It’s not so much that I think pedicures are gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it), but that salons are poorly-regulated MRSA breeding grounds.
GregB
Cole,
I am pretty sure any college age frat mook will call you gay if you tell them you are going to a salon to get a pedi-file.
Villago Delenda Est
It is better to look good than to feel good.
And you look MAAAAAHVELOUS!
Soonergrunt
@Gravenstone: I’m here to serve.
Morzer
@Villago Delenda Est:
But when the lights go out…
Gex
There is a subset of men who think anything having to do with women is so inferior they need to invent things like “mancations”. What are the traditional woman jobs? Things that are nurturing and caring. So they conclude men need to be the opposite.
Thankfully, there are real men out there who realize that simply declaring that all things feminine have cooties is not the way to establish their manhood.
NotMax
And sport a mullet.
Ted & Hellen
Jeez. Cole’s is the longest coming out drama in intertrons history.
Do it already, John. We’re all waiting for you, just outside the door.
Morzer
@NotMax:
And root for the Steelers
Hawes
I LIKE my shitty feet and incipient heart disease, thank you very much.
And I’m going to pass on Jennifer Lawrence. She has charisma, but I can’t go with “beautiful”.
Morzer
@Hawes:
I am sorry, but under the Obama Five Year Plan those feet and cardiac problems are going to be redistributed to moochers and looters across America.
NotMax
@Morzer
Under sequestration, just one foot.
Lolis
@Ted & Hellen:
As one of the few BJ mortals who has met John in real life, I can testify that he is not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I have no idea why he doesn’t have a girlfriend except that he must not want one …
Roger Moore
Repeat after me, Cole: “It’s called a ‘man’icure for a reason.”
MattR
@gbear:
I just want to make sure I understand this correctly. Pedicures are too gay, but a bubble massage footbath is not?
Morzer
@MattR:
Absolutely. It’s Sally Quinn’s Third Law Of Appropriate Countertops
Gemina13
@TaMara (BHF):
Can I get a, “Hell, yeah!”? Seriously, boys and girls–but definitely you boys, since you’re the ones being targeted.
Trust me, an all-over cuddle feels a lot better when neither one of you feels like a cheese grater.
Morzer
@Gemina13:
Hold on, you mean you have cuddled cheese-graters? Voluntarily?
This is what happens when you have gay marriage.
MattR
@Morzer: Someone needs to write these things down. It’s all so confusing.
scav
@Morzer: No, I think they just object if there are two cheese graters in the nuptial couch at once. Especially if they’re both Microplanes.
Morzer
@scav:
Has John McCain issued an official fatwa yet?
Morzer
@MattR:
I know. You have your known knowns, your unknown unknowns and just as you think you’ve got the knowns to behave nicely with the unknowns, Lindsey Graham shakes the board and you have to start all over again. If you can get the pieces out from under Max Baucus, that is.
scav
@Morzer: Depends if anyone has worked up the nerve to tell him microplanes aren’t the little plastic things he attempts to land on the aircraft carrier in his bath.
Jerzy Russian
You are big pile of wood, Mr. Cole.
Morzer
@scav:
“There will be no Benghazis in MY bathtub!”
Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason
@Avery Greynold: Sigh. Every morning I look in the mirror and Frank Zappa’s line comes to mind: “Hair growing out every hole in me.”
g
Didn’t read the other comments, so I don’t know if what I have to say has already been said. But, if you are “of a certain age” it’s a really good think to get pedicures, male or female, because that kind of attention to your feet can help you monitor whether you have signs of problems that are caused by diabetes. Many diabetes sufferers don’t realize it when they have problems with their lower extremities, and it leads to problems, including premature amputation.
Morzer
@g:
Damn, just as we’d got Cole all purty and sweet, here you are amputating his nether regions.
Definite buzz-kill.
NotMax
@Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason
When the PETA people start tossing red paint at you, it’s maybe time to think about depilatories.
Roger Moore
@NotMax:
FTFY.
replicnt6
@g: Are there amputations that aren’t premature?
Morzer
@replicnt6:
Well in cases of gangrene. I suspect Cole would quite enjoy having a wooden leg and a parrot to swear at him.
Hal
Mitt Romney’s advice for new (I’m guessing mostly young)
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/04/30/mitt-romney-wants-you-to-get-married-young-if-youre-heterosexual-of-course
Yes kids, why spend your twenties traveling, working, drinking, hanging out with friends, dating, having sexy times with more than yourself when you can immediately saddle yourself Duggar style with a bus full of kids. Everyone has millions of their daddies dollars to support themselves and their stay at home forever wives, don’t they?
Oh, best part:
Of the Bible, he tells the young folks: “When it says ‘marry,’ listen!…Have a quiver full of kids if you can.”
scav
@NotMax: When PETA star protecting you from those attempting to turn you into a coat, it’s time both for both depilatories and mani- pedi-cures.
NotMax
@scav
Touché.
Anne Laurie
@Lolis: Old, old Jules Feiffer cartoon:
Another Halocene Human
Just watched defs not gay Chef Ramsey freak out on Kitchen Nightmares because one of his clients is a belly dancer who likes to wear short skirts. Hey, the sexual revolution was 40 years ago. I know the Scots like to stay behind all the trends, but srsly…..
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
And what-exactly-the-fuck have they done lately except draw penalty flags?
Violet
@Hal: Well, Southern VA University is a Mormon school, so he was speaking to graduates whose religion also tells them those things. The “quiver full” comment is big in evangelical circles. There’s a whole Quiverfull movement where girls exist to get married at a very young age, have babies and be wives and mothers only. Like the Duggars.
Another Halocene Human
@Hawes: More Jennifer Lawrence for me, then!
trollhattan
@scav:
CPS should take that and any other kids away, stat. But considering it’s Kentucky, they’ll get the ol’ “Haven’t they suffered enough?”
I hate our gun-lovin’ society. Two-year-olds are important when teh browns are threatening them, otherwise it’s open season.
Mnemosyne
@MattR:
I’m guessing the difference is that you can use the bubble massage footbath in the privacy of your own home (hell, you can even order it from Amazon if you don’t want to buy it in public), but you have to sit in a chair and be gawked at for a pedicure.
RaflW
Of course, being gay is not a bad thing, right frat-boy?
Riiight???
Another Halocene Human
@Morzer: The GOP ended up with Gabriel Gomez – and the local GOP activists are disgusted by his apparent liberalism and are vowing not to vote for him.
hahaha keep fucking that turkey, MA GOP
wouldn’t be surprised if the MA GOP tries to write in Lynch
Another Halocene Human
@Mnemosyne: My experience with pedicures involved skin to skin contact, who’s going to gawk, all the other customers there?!
gnomedad
Don’t forget firearms and manly incandescent bulbs.
Gordon, the Big Express Engine
Scented candles are the napalm of liberal fascism
Odie Hugh Manatee
Why would I call you a cigarette? ;p
Xenos
As for the ‘gay’ thing, it is a sign of tremendous insecurity and anxiety that we put young men through for some reason. I don’t know where it comes from exactly, but it seeps in and at an early age young men seem to internalize a real fear, not of being gay, or even gay men, necessarily, but of being ostracized for not living a really exaggerated version of a masculine stereotype.
I have some theories about this relating to the evolution of child abuse, but now is not the time and place.
Suzanne
@Avery Greynold: Brazilians are awesome. I love getting them. They don’t even hurt. Even Hitchens did it.
YellowJournalism
@Morzer: With him. The parrot would swear with him.
Mustang Bobby
Heh. I just found out that sitting in proximity to the Admirals Club at MIA but not actually coughing up the $50 to get in, you can still pick up the wifi signal and log in for free as opposed to paying for it in the main terminal.
Randy P
Just explain one thing to me. I’m sure when I was young a hairy chest was considered manly, a thing every young man aspired to. When did that go out of fashion and why? How exactly did body hair become unfashionable for MEN?
About Playbook which I admit liking, a couple of buildings are locally famous because they were used in the movie, though I only learned that weeks after I actually saw the film. One of them is the Llanerch Diner which I drove past last night. It served as the diner in a scene I can’t remember. Can anyone describe a diner scene to me? Was there more than one?
Another location is a house in my neighborhood (in PA) which was used as the exterior for one of the houses (in NJ I think). Possibly Tiffany’s parents.
Oh, and my wife says she runs into manly men getting manicures at her nail place all the time. They don’t get polish, just hand care. That’s still not enough to get me in there, sorry. It’s not a gender thing so much as a personal thing about not wanting to be hung up on personal grooming. Hell, I even hate taking the time for haircuts. But I hate overgrown hair too, so it’s always a tug of war between those two things.
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@Randy P:
Ahnold? My admittedly unreliable memory of that time pegs the bodybuilders coming into fashion about the same time that the chest hair wigs were going out.
I suspect Hugh Jackman has led the charge to bring it back.
Hawes
@g: It’s pronounced “diabeetus”.
Hawes
@Randy P: I think when Mike Myers put on the chest toupee in Austin Powers, the Sean Connery Garden of Good and Evil hair jungle became something to be laughed at.
As someone who can’t be shot at with getting a hunting license, I’m just biding my time until looking like Chewbacca’s younger cousin comes back into vogue.
Waiting… Waiting…. Waiting….
Betty Cracker
@Randy P: I just saw Silver Linings last night too, so I can answer the diner question (below, after the obligatory spoiler alert).
I liked the movie, and I’ve thought Jennifer Lawrence was brilliant ever since I first saw her in “Winter’s Bone,” which is a GREAT movie that didn’t get nearly the attention it deserved.
SPOILER ALERT — IGNORE TEXT BELOW IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT!
The diner scene was when Tiffany opened up to Pat about how she had slept with everyone at her former employers’ company and then freaked out and yelled at him when he got anxious about his ex thinking he was in the same “crazy” category as Tiffany.
Death Panel Truck
@Hawes: Back in the sixties doctors were still calling it “sugar diabetes.” My mom was Type One, and my dad always called it “the sugar diabeetus.”
Howlin Wolfe
@Laur: Laur, I didn’t see it, but the trailer to that movie was enough to keep me from ever watching it. When the Robert DeNiro character made some remark to the whining main character to the effect that he didn’t want any part of whatever he was whining about(I can’t remember the exact words of any of it, it was so dorky) that was enough warning for me to stay the hell away from it. Surprisingly my cara sposa, who snickered all the way throught The Titanic, went with a friend of hers and said she really liked it.
Howlin Wolfe
@Soonergrunt:
So that’s where the phrase “going commando” comes from. Thanks, SG!
Howlin Wolfe
@Hal: Binders full of kids!
Just Some Fuckhead
I like pastels. Fuck, I said it.