Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Perfomance

Just engaged in one of my favorite rituals of the day, which is yelling “Bedtime, who wants a treat?”

The crowd assembled, I grabbed the treat bag, and I WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF TREATS.

To retain credibility, I threw both dogs outside, microwaved a chicken tenderloin that was in a bag in the freezer, opened the back door and yelled “TREATS,” gave them both some chicken, and now all is good in the world.


48 replies
  1. 1
    MoeLarryAndJesus says:

    Jeezus, you’re lucky they didn’t eat YOU.

  2. 2

    Yeah, the greedy little bastards. I went through that this morning. Had to give the weinerdogs some turkey cold cuts.

    I’m glad I don’t have cats. Fricken cats would have probably killed me in my sleep for not giving them a proper treat.

  3. 3
    scav says:

    Tricky bit might be the next time, the non-real-chicken treat-event.

  4. 4
    Punchy says:

    Well, if the treats contain light-sensitive riboflavin and/or cyanocobalamin, you’re just an insensitive jackass for using transparent packaging. Amber HDPE for the win, yo.


  5. 5
    RobertDSC-eMac 1.25 says:

    What about Tunch? Could you even try to lift him to throw him outside?

  6. 6
    Mnemosyne says:

    I had a full (unopened) bag of treats sitting on top of my dresser buried under a bunch of stuff where there was no way any of the cats could get to it.

    Until, of course, Charlotte dragged it on the bed at 5 am partially chewed open and imperially demanded that we open the bag for her because she had caught it and killed it and it was hers, damn it.

    In other news, never fucking buy build-it-yourself furniture from Target. The moron who designed our etagere needs to DIAF with all of his offspring so he doesn’t pass his idiocy on to the next generation. Here’s an idea, dude — don’t make the last instruction be that you attach something to the back of a piece of furniture that most people will have already put into place in their very small bathroom and will then have to pull back out again. Jackass.

  7. 7
    PeakVT says:

    Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Pet Present Performance

    Improved for more Ps.

    ETA: Also too, speling.

  8. 8
    sfinny says:

    I always have a bag of dry cat food in the pantry. Until that time I didn’t. Still living with the memory of that look.

  9. 9
    Face says:

    @Mnemosyne: Serves ya right for putting French-sounding, China-constructed, Italian-inspired non-Ikea gear in an American loo housed in Cali.

  10. 10
    MattR says:

    @Mnemosyne: And that is why you always read the instructions to the end before beginning

    /every teacher before every standardized test

  11. 11
    Mary G says:

    I was just thinking I was low on treats, thanks. My cats love tuna as an emergency treat, but it gives Shiloh the runs so not good.

  12. 12
    Ash Can says:

    I’m assuming that, while all this was going on, Tunch was licking his chops after getting his sushi-grade tuna treat. I certainly don’t envision the doggies getting microwaved chicken, Tunch getting bupkis, and John living to tell about it.

  13. 13
    Yutsano says:

    @Ash Can: If Tunch did not get his treat hairless ape would not be alive to type.

  14. 14
    Mnemosyne says:


    Dude, it’s called the Catalina Space Saver. It can’t get much more Southern California than that, unless they’d dubbed it the San Pedro.


    Oh, it’s not so bad, because it turns out the damn thing is slightly too short to fit over the pipes at the back of the toilet, so I have to find something to put over the legs to raise it up the crucial 3/4ths of a frickin’ inch.

    No more Target furniture. Ever.

  15. 15
    Mnemosyne says:


    I once tried to give my previous cats scrambled eggs in lieu of cat food. Not only did they never forget it, I’m convinced that my late great Boris passed that bit of information on to Keaton, because he always gets a little nervous when I make scrambled eggs for myself, like, “Am I going to have to eat those?”

  16. 16
    SatanicPanic says:

    Now I’m reminiscing about all the times I’ve let my child down.

  17. 17
    cmorenc says:

    Our Italian Greyhound always gets some nice meat mixed in with her morning dogfood: turkey today, leftover grilled hamburger the next. And if I come home from eating lunch or dinner out, she’s always there at the door with an eager “waddya bring me this time” hopeful expectation, which I indulge her three or four bites of whatever meat I had.

    As I write, the dog is asleep- in our bed (not on it, in it). Sweet, affectionate dog, spoiled rotten.

  18. 18
    sfinny says:

    @Mnemosyne: That cracks me up because I tried to come with some alternative, but the cat does not eat people food. Usually a good thing, right? But this time it bit me in the butt.

  19. 19
    mai naem says:

    Our old cat used to like any dairy product including margarine/butter,plain yogurt,sour cream,milk or cheese. She was such a fusspot towards the end that she would only eat packaged tuna or canned chicken.

  20. 20
    AA+ Bonds says:

    I thought this was interesting and brought me back to the days when Salon was brave enough to risk being wack. I can’t believe that the cost of giving up David Horowitz and Camille Paglia was that high.

  21. 21
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    Man was that a close call! :) Nothing like getting their hopes amped up only to cruelly dash them moments later.

    A JRT with a grudge is a nasty problem to deal with. Lily would just lay the guilt trip on with those big eyes of hers.

    The temps have been hitting the 80’s here on the south Oregon coast so I had to dig our motorcycle out of the garage and wash the dust off of it. The battery was shot (was on a tender but no-go) so I dropped a new AGM battery in it, tossed some new plugs in it and fired it up.

    Time for a nice ride tomorrow!

  22. 22
    Alison says:

    @mai naem: Talking about fusspot cats: mine will not eat *anything* other than dry kibble and dry cat treats (which are basically kibble). She won’t eat wet food, won’t eat meat of any kind, no cheese, no milk, no butter, NOTHING. She is the weirdest.

  23. 23
    mai naem says:

    Uh oh, Apparently Mittman didn’t manage to find this guy a job and poor intern had to resort illegal means to keep a roof over his head.

  24. 24
    AA+ Bonds says:

    @mai naem:

    LOL, “binders”

  25. 25
    scav says:

    @mai naem:
    Jack Cat, would eat no fat, while Matt would eat no lean.
    And so between them both, they licked the platter clean.

  26. 26
    Steeplejack (tablet) says:

    Note to Cole: Don’t put an empty treat bag back in the cabinet. Crisis averted.

    The housecat likes butter and (somewhat weird) flaky pastry crust. She was somewhat nonplussed when I gave her cream after I first got her, but now she likes it. I think she had a hard life before winning the lottery at Chez Steep.

  27. 27
    amk says:

    gave them both some chicken

    both ? What about tunch ???

    It wasn’t chicken, it was tunch, wasn’t it, you punk ?

  28. 28
    AA+ Bonds says:

    Leave it to the Republicans to conclude that the problem with Benghazi was that there weren’t enough CIA crawling all over the “civilian target”. . .

    Given the state of records management in the federal government nowadays, and especially the military/para-military bureaus, it’s guaranteed we’ll never know what the fuck actually happened there.

    Alphabet boys reign supreme. No one left in the kingdom to question them. I bet that’ll turn out great, just like it always has. The sort of government that David Stirling would be proud of . . .

  29. 29

    i had to make a run for cat treats this morning, my Seamus was giving me a look I didn’t like :-).

  30. 30
    Mag says:

    As you know, you go to treat time with the treats you have. They’re not the treats you might want or wish to have at a later time.

    Or something like that.

  31. 31
    bago says:

    I spend my time trying to prevent a nega-tunch. Having a black flabby cat named ninja would just be embarrassing.

  32. 32
    WereBear says:

    That was a close one.

    But dogs aren’t really picky. During Hurricane Gloria in the ’80’s, we fed all our frozen pizzas to the three dogs in lieu of dog food, and they were thrilled. Sadly, the ensuing dog farts were nearly lethal, which prevented a recurrence.

    But cats are very firm about what constitutes edibles. One would think cats off the street would be indiscriminate, but often they go, “I’m only eating my favorite food ever again, amen.”

  33. 33
    WereBear says:

    I compiled a list of tricky People Foods Not to be Fed to Cats, and some of them will surprise you!

    They surprised me.

  34. 34
    Nicole says:

    I think it’s hilarious you felt the need to put the dogs outside while you cooked the cutlet. What, so they wouldn’t judge you?

    My aunt and uncle, when we went out to eat, would always each leave one bite on their plates to take home to their dog. After he died, it was a few years before they could break the habit of leaving one bite unfinished.

  35. 35
    MikeJ says:

    @WereBear: Bad link. You fix.

  36. 36
    Amir Khalid says:

    Alas, bad linky. S’okay. We can always search your website for it.

  37. 37
    Schlemizel says:


    I have mentioned this before but it fits:
    We currently have 2 cats. The 18 year old matriarch will eat ANYTHING! We had to get a covered butter dish, bread has to be kept in the cabinet (actually about a year or so ago she stopped being able to jump that high but those are our habits now). When we eat she is always sniffing around hoping we drop something. When we split a can of food between them she will wolf hers down & we have to defend the other cats food or she can finish it. She weighs maybe 8 pound, you have always been able to see her ribs & her hips stick out like a bag of antlers.

    Cat #2 refuses all people food, she picks at canned food but hardly cares. She weights 16 pounds & looks like a fat sausage.

    Life is really unfair

  38. 38
    Schlemizel says:


    Somewhere around here I have a list like that, I may have gotten it from your site, not sure. We try to be pretty careful about not giving them stuff from the list but her majesty has gotten into many things over the long history of her reign including things on that list in non-trivial quantities. I think she is just to stubborn for them to kill her or even make her sick!

  39. 39
    Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism says:

    The youngest of our clowder are a pair of ginger tabbies who were sick and starving when they were dropped off at the shelter. Here they are at five months old. (Max is the one who comes over for his close up.) They have definite food issues, though they have been better lately, grown more confident that there will always be food.

    We had no kitty crack (aka Fancy Feast) to give them yesterday morning. The elder lady took it in stride (gimme kibble!). The older male wandered around looking worried (he has his own security issues) until I broke out the treats instead. The orange terrors brothers … are still a bit traumatized. They were very clingy all day yesterday and are showing signs of more of the same today.

  40. 40
    WereBear says:

    Ack! Don’t know what that one was about!

    Good linky:

    People food that is bad for cats

  41. 41
    WereBear says:

    @Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism: Adorable!

    They are orangeys… they have deep hearts.

    Mr WereBear longs for such a one, has a name picked out and everything. I’m sure the Universe will send him along.

  42. 42
    Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism says:

    @WereBear: We’ve always had an orange in the family. Our first, much missed Alex was orange. Within six months of losing him, we were adopted by an older orange female in need of a new family. And a few months after losing her, we needed to fill that empty space, and I saw Max (with a shelter name of Ruby) on Petfinder. And then the fatal words: “very attached to her sissie”. After some discussion (and muttering about crazy cat ladies), I emailed the fosterer that we were thinking about taking them both. Fast forward a week, and I get this worried voicemail from the fosterer. “Um, I took Valentine and Ruby in to be fixed, and it turns out they’re both boys. Do you still want them?”

    They’re 20 months old now and still haven’t dropped their testicles. Dunno if it’s genetic or an effect of being so sick so young.

  43. 43
    joes527 says:

    @Mnemosyne: I got one of those.

    The trick is that you take the legs and just throw them away. Put it on the wall with 6 or so heavy duty drywall anchors. It also makes it much easier to clean around the john when you don’t have those stupid legs getting in the way.

  44. 44
    Katherine says:

    i had two dogs that would come running when i yelled BONES !

  45. 45
    bemused says:

    Sheesh, peanut butter on crackers would have been a lot easier.

  46. 46
    Ukko says:

    My Newfie has a bit of joint deterioration and we were encouraged to increase his fish intake. In particular lots of salmon and herring. I joke it is more like we feeding a giant cat than a dog. But he does love the fish!

  47. 47
    Deb T says:

    Yeah, I had to give my cats and dog thin sliced turkey (which was okay, because I didn’t like it). The cats have great treats they like, buy my inherited Shih Tsu, Missy, doesn’t reliably like any treats. She’s lukewarm on peanut butter. She isn’t a begging dog, but she gets hungry at bedtime sometimes. I love giving her a little piece of real meat. I just makes her so happy.

    P.S. one of my cats has taken to licking the gravy off the dog food? The other 1 1/2 cats won’t go near it and the 1/2 cat is my feral friend, Bill.

  48. 48
    Cold War Zoomie says:

    Good thing you had the chicken or…


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