Some Balls are Held for Charity and Some for Fancy Dress

But when they’re held for pleasure they’re the balls I like the best:

Three different women last week testified that a former Tennessee lawmaker exposed himself to them while driving at a breakneck speed, WJHL reported.

The accounts, each given independently last Thursday in a Kingsport, Tenn. courtroom, all detailed a similar incident: former Mount Carmel, Tenn. Vice-Mayor William Blakely first honking to get the attention of the women, then proceeding to masturbate, all while he was behind the wheel.

Witness Deanna Dykes said Blakely was “waving, grabbed his shirt, kind of pulled it up.”

“He was taking his hand, wetting his mouth, and masturbating,” witness Deborah Sturgill said.

Witness Kelly Street offered a similar account.

“At over 90 miles per hour, he had his penis out [the window]… he was masturbating… and that’s when it got really, really bad. I wouldn’t look over any more, and I wrote his tag number down on my hand, which I believe he noticed, and he exited very quickly,” Street said.

I’m trying to figure out the mechanics of all of this, but it does remind me of the opposite of the old joke- “What’s the most sensitive part of a man’s body when he is masturbating?”

His ears.

Obligatory WTF?, also too.

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68 replies
  1. 1
    Napoleon says:

    I was hoping someone would post this here.

  2. 2
    Suffern ACE says:

    I’m waiting for the statement.

    “I used poor judgement. If I have offended anyone by my actions, I am sorry you feel insulted.”

  3. 3
    AndyG says:

    This happened to some co-workers of mine about 25 years ago in Britain. They were shocked and pretty disgusted, but also slightly in awe of the practice that the perpetrator must have put in to be able to manage the feat at high speed…….

  4. 4
    some guy says:

    don’t forget to call your Congress Critter and demand No Cuts to Social Security.

    Just say no to Obama: No Cuts to Social Security!

  5. 5

    This doesn’t appear to be a one time thing with this Onanite:

    Facing charges of indecent and reckless endangerment and criminal attempt to commit aggravated assault, Blakely was investigated on similar charges more than two years ago when he was still in office. Recalling dozens of complaints in recent years, Terry Christian, a Kingsport detective, told WJHL that Blakely’s behavior has gone on “for so long an (sic) nobody’s addressed it.”

    Also, too, my brother and I would play the Big Balls song over and over. Drove my mom crazy.

  6. 6
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    Look on the bright side, at least he wasn’t waving a firearm out the window at them. Maybe the stuff we are hearing about how the NRA represents a dwindling minority is really true. Waving real peni$ instead of potentially homicidal symbolic peni$-substitute = progress?

  7. 7
    NonyNony says:

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ:

    Look on the bright side, at least he wasn’t waving a firearm out the window at them.

    “When pen ises are outlawed only outlaws will have pen ises?”

    “Pen ises don’t kill people, people kill people?”

    “Keep the government off of my pen is?”

    “The only way you’ll get my pen is is if you pry it out of my cold, dead hands?”

  8. 8
    Forum Transmitted Disease says:

    I have a horrified desire to know how he did this, kept control of the vehicle and kept his foot on the accelerator. There’s no car I’ve ever owned where I could stick my dick out the window and keep my feet on the pedals. Not physically possible.

  9. 9
    SatanicPanic says:

    @Forum Transmitted Disease: Not to mention avoiding accidentally hitting the window button.

  10. 10
    RSA says:

    I guess the Tennessee legislature will now be under pressure to make this sort of thing illegal…

  11. 11
  12. 12
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Forum Transmitted Disease:

    I have a horrified desire to know how he did this, kept control of the vehicle and kept his foot on the accelerator. There’s no car I’ve ever owned where I could stick my dick out the window and keep my feet on the pedals. Not physically possible.

    Cruise control.

  13. 13
    CJWhite says:

    He probably used the cruise control to maintain speed. Just sayin’

  14. 14
    piratedan says:

    well it’s obvious that the poor guy was low on wiper fluid…….. :-)

  15. 15
    BGinCHI says:

    Super Dave Osborne weeps.

  16. 16
    Cassidy says:

    I’m impressed he was able to hang it out a window. Even if he stood up and pointed his hips to the window, that’s considerable. Sounds like this dude was in the wrong business.

  17. 17
    Violet says:

    @Forum Transmitted Disease: How tall is he? Maybe he’s tall and has long legs. That would allow him to keep his foot on the accelerator more easily than a shorter person could. The window button and steering, that’s another story.

  18. 18
    jibeaux says:

    I like how you guys have either given a lot of thought to how to make this work, or speak from experience. I’ll credit it to imagination since you seem like a normal enough bunch. Well, not as abnormal as this guy, anyway. How does a person think of these things?

  19. 19
    Jay C says:

    @NonyNony:

    “The only way you’ll get my pen is is if you pry it out of my cold, dead hands?”

    With just a little less luck – or an inopportune bump in the road – this might have become more than just a slogan…..

  20. 20
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Cruise control still doesn’t explain how he managed to keep steering…

  21. 21
    jibeaux says:

    Well, don’t answer how a person thinks of these things. But wasn’t there a woman who was being kidnapped in a car against her will and she decided to moon people to try to get the car pulled over? That’s quite a gender difference.

  22. 22
    John M. Burt says:

    When my kids were little, we always told them, “Don’t stick anything out the window of a moving car that you don’t want to have to do without.”

  23. 23
    Jay C says:

    @RSA:

    I guess the Tennessee legislature will now be under pressure to make this sort of thing illegal…

    Start a campaign to email the TN Legislature with the “fact” that masturbating out a car window is an integral component of Sharia Law: That’ll put a stop to it….

  24. 24
    Rosalita says:

    Okay seriously, how could he get his dick out the window?

  25. 25
    Heliopause says:

    Did this really happen, or were the words “professional driver on closed course, do not attempt” in tiny letters at the bottom of the screen?

  26. 26
    Cervantes says:

    Sorry to disappoint, but it appears he did not have his member out the window. A witness said he had his “penis out,” and the reporter interpolated, in brackets “[the window],” which was likely erroneous.

    Having dispensed with the contortionism problem, who wants to bet against the proposition that his political brand included family values and Bible thumping? (Can’t find any indication of party affiliation.)

  27. 27
    Comrade Jake says:

    Seriously, WTF? I mean, Vice mayor?

  28. 28
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    @jibeaux:

    How does a person think of these things?

    Reading the little sticker on the side-view mirror that says “objects in mirror may be larger than they appear” and not understanding the difference between cause and effect, appearance and reality.

  29. 29
    👽 Martin says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Or much bigger dick. Make and model of car is probably important to know as well.

    But when I brought this up in a previous thread, this should be made into an olympic event. The brits would have quite an advantage with right hand drive cars. You could at least pivot on your accelerator foot. That’s really the bit holding us back at fielding a competitive team.

    And physical contortions aside, steering a car at 90 while masturbating, and while presumably leering at the hottie in the car next to you is no small feet of multitasking either.

    @jibeaux: It sort of comes with the equipment. Finding creative uses for it is somewhat instinctive.

  30. 30
    👽 Martin says:

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ:

    not understanding the difference between cause and effect, appearance and reality.

    Uh, that’s a given. It was a guy.

  31. 31
    Highway Rob says:

    @NonyNony: @ThatLeftTurnInABQ: This is my rifle, this is my gun; one is for fighting, one is for fun.

  32. 32
    Forum Transmitted Disease says:

    OK, cruise control, I’ll buy that. Now…steering? Anybody?

  33. 33
    danimal says:

    Is this story real, or are we going to find out the culprit was actually Jeff Gordon in disguise?

  34. 34
    DPS says:

    Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.

  35. 35
    Violet says:

    @jibeaux: A person who wants to expose himself to women will find a way to do it. This guy probably has the adrenaline-junkie mentality as well. Some warped part of him decided those two things would go great together.

  36. 36
    Joshua Norton says:

    Using a cell phone or texting while driving suddenly aren’t the most stupid things you can do behind the wheel of a car.

  37. 37
    SatanicPanic says:

    @Forum Transmitted Disease: Dude, we’re not gonna write a how-to manual for you ;)

  38. 38
    MomSense says:

    @Cassidy:

    Out the window…I was wondering how that was possible.

  39. 39
    Wag says:

    @Comrade Jake:

    Vice mayor?

    or mayor in charge of vice?

    Or vise versa?

  40. 40
    Wag says:

    @PsiFighter37:

    Could be a lefty, and steering with his right hand

  41. 41
    kindness says:

    The guy has to have the Gumby gene. Well that and the pervert gene.

  42. 42
    scav says:

    why am I fascinated by the minor detail that while playing over-the-speed-limit twister-masterbation while accelerating and taking his own hand, he was also wetting his own mouth?

    A least now we know where exactly the “out” is where you’re supposed to shake it all about. be careful not to hit the automatic window button while shaking it.

    oh hell, now it’s joined the jumble of diaper-involved wide-stance hiking-the-traditional-family-values santified-accept-no-substitutes maelstrom.

  43. 43
    Amir Khalid says:

    The story on the TV station’s site says that more of the women to whom Mr. Blakely displayed his goods will be testifying against him. But it doesn’t mention his party affiliation. Is he in a town where candidates for elected posts don’t declare such an affiliation?

  44. 44
    peach flavored shampoo says:

    Maybe the car was a convertible and he just shot it straight up and out the back end of the car.

    Happens to me all the time….

  45. 45
    Roger Moore says:

    @Forum Transmitted Disease:

    I have a horrified desire to know how he did this, kept control of the vehicle and kept his foot on the accelerator.

    Cruise control.

  46. 46
    Rosalita says:

    I had to laugh at the title of Wonkette’s post about this:

    Former Tennessee Pol Nabbed In High-Speed Fap-Fest

  47. 47
    Joseph Nobles says:

    Y’all have got this all wrong. He was just protesting the decadence of the automatic transmission.

  48. 48
    Roger Moore says:

    @Jay C:

    Start a campaign to email the TN Legislature with the “fact” that masturbating out a car window is an integral component of Sharia Law: That’ll put a stop to it….

    Black men want to masturbate out of their car windows at white women…

  49. 49
    shortstop says:

    My husband’s immediate takeaway from this was that he isn’t flexible enough to jack off out the window while driving down the highway. I pointed out, in what I hoped was a comforting tone, that he has 20 years on Blakely. He seemed relieved. WTF?

  50. 50
    Roger Moore says:

    @Joshua Norton:

    Using a cell phone or texting while driving suddenly aren’t the most stupid things you can do behind the wheel of a car.

    They never were. You just have to hear some of the crazy things people do on their morning commutes- putting on pantyhose, shaving with shaving cream and a razor, reading the newspaper, etc.- to realize that there are plenty of worse things.

  51. 51
    Tonybrown74 says:

    So, we got cruise control, I’m thinking a sun-roof, a straight roadway and probably his foot on the steering wheel?

    I am at work. Why am I even thinking of this stuff?

  52. 52
    Violet says:

    @Roger Moore: The self-driving car cannot get here soon enough.

  53. 53
    Todd says:

    “At over 90 miles per hour, he had his pen!s out [the window]… he was masturbating… and that’s when it got really, really bad.

    Awesome line – I’m trying to think of how much worse things got then.

  54. 54
    danielx says:

    But was he wearing a wet suit and did he have a dildo up his ass? Inquiring minds want to know.

    And they were all shocked and shit about the Clenis. At least he didn’t wave it in public.

  55. 55
    LanceThruster says:

    He should have just bought a f#ckin’ rag-top Jeep with no side doors.

    Just sayin’

  56. 56
    Gin & Tonic says:

    A not-insignificant portion of the male readers of this blog, when they get in their car today, will spend some time figuring out how this was done. And will take a large dose of ibupr0fen before bed.

  57. 57
    the Conster says:

    Dude was in his own car – WTF. Borrow a car or rent one if you’re gonna drive around fapping at people, and why won’t they show his picture? He’s a public menace, and women need to know what he looks like.

  58. 58
    muddy says:

    @scav:

    why am I fascinated by the minor detail that while playing over-the-speed-limit twister-masterbation while accelerating and taking his own hand, he was also wetting his own mouth?

    I got the impression he was wetting his fap hand from his mouth.

  59. 59
    MomSense says:

    @Comrade Jake:

    Obviously The Mayor of Vice!

  60. 60
    Violet says:

    A commenter on the original story says he was in the courtroom and that no one on the witness stand said the guy had his pen1s out the window. He says the reporter or editor or someone added “the window” to this line:

    “At over 90 miles per hour, he had his pen1s out [the window]..

    when the woman meant and said he just had it out. Just watched the video of that segment and she does not say he had it out the window.

  61. 61
    Ash Can says:

    W T F OVER

  62. 62
    Comrade Jake says:

    I love how folks are pointing out that witnesses never explicitly claimed he had his dick out the window, as though facts are somehow integral to this story.

  63. 63
    dance around in your bones says:

    Hahahhahahaha!

    Ok, I guess I should actually read the story before commenting, but believe me – having been on the viewing end of a few incidents like these (once when I was in a phone booth – remember those?) and once on a Greyhound bus when a guy pulled out his dick and said “Whaddya think of this?” and I glanced over and said “Looks like about 6 inches to me” and went back to reading my book………yeah, this shit happens more often than you might think.

  64. 64
    Phoenician in a time of Romans says:

    I’m thinking of bringing this incident up with my partner the next time she smugly claims “men can’t multitask”…

  65. 65
    Jeff N says:

    The Taiwanese animation may be about to come.

  66. 66
    Ecks says:

    @Comrade Jake:

    I love how folks are pointing out that witnesses never explicitly claimed he had his dick out the window, as though facts are somehow integral to this story.

    Who cares about the guy, most of us are just relieved to hear that it didn’t really go down that way, because anything you can do, I can do better too if I really really wanted to, which I don’t, obviously, but the point is I totally could.

  67. 67
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    I can’t WAIT to hear the listener questions on this week’s “Car Talk.”

  68. 68
    Paul in KY says:

    Had a lot of fun reading all the comments!

    Looking forward to seeing this reenacted in court.

Comments are closed.