I See No Potential Problems Here

Read this, then say to yourself, slowly “It’s 2013. It’s 2013. It’s 2013. WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?” Because that is what I did:

A racist hate group at Towson University has announced plans to conduct its own nighttime police patrols on campus.

Founded last year, the White Student Union has stirred significant controversy already. The organization has been labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. In addition, its founder, Matthew Heimbach (who goes by the title “Commander Heimbach”), and fellow organizer Scott Terry interrupted a minority outreach panel at the Conservative Political Action Conference this month in order to defend slavery, noting that slaveholders provided blacks with food and shelter. Terry later told ThinkProgress that African-Americans “should be allowed to vote in Africa” and he’d be “fine” living in a society where blacks are permanently subservient to whites.

Seriously? Can’t white supremacists find someone whose name doesn’t sound like someone executed at Nuremberg?
And for the record, while I in no way support this group or its endeavors, I will say that it is nice having the fucking racists out in the open where we can keep an eye on them.

105 replies
  1. 1
    Redshirt says:

    Commander Heimlich is simply community organizing some law abiding chums for power walks around the quad. What’s so wrong with that?

  2. 2
    GuanoFaucet says:

    I hate Maryland Nazis.

  3. 3
    Strandedvandal says:

    I hope he chokes on his crabcakes.

  4. 4
    Redshift says:

    But the wingnut-o-sphere was absolutely certain that the trouble at CPAC was caused by liberal plants trying to make them look bad!

    Countdown to claims that these guys are still just liberal plants trying to make conservatives look bad in 3… 2… 1…

  5. 5
    black_onion says:

    I hope they wear something easy to spot at night, so you can know they are on patrol. Maybe something in white?

    With a hood.

  6. 6
    Cassidy says:

    Fuck yeah. More of this. Stand up and be proud and make sure you endorse your favorite Republican as loudly and publicly as possible, over and over again.

  7. 7
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    Matthew Heimbach (who goes by the title “Commander Heimbach”), and whose mother dressed him in his older sisters’ hand-me-downs till age 11


  8. 8
    Redshirt says:

    “Chums on the Quad” is the name of my new right wing folk band.

    And yes, there really is such a thing as right wing folk bands. Witness, “The Goldwaters“.

  9. 9
    Shalimar says:

    @Redshift: If it is liberal plants trying to make conservatives look bad, that means real conservatives are opposed to this shit, right? Right?

  10. 10
    Shalimar says:

    Also, speaking of racists being assholes:


  11. 11
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    I feel sorry for the decent people in Towson. It sounds like a nice place but these fuckers have been what’s got it in the news lately.

    Wonder what the actual police in town think of the little Kool Kids’ Klub here.

  12. 12

    These types of guys are the only reason I support the 2nd amendment.

  13. 13
    Spaghetti Lee says:


    They can use torches to help them see. Maybe put them in people’s lawns for safekeeping.

  14. 14
    eric says:

    @Redshift: You know who else was liberal plant….

  15. 15
    WA_Dave says:

    Mein Führer… I CAN WALK!!

  16. 16
    The prophet Nostradumbass says:

    ETA: never mind

  17. 17
    Villago Delenda Est says:


    Well, you know, they’re National Socia1ists.

    That means they’re obviously liberals! They’re left wing!

  18. 18
    Short Bus Bully says:

    Post-racial, bitches.

  19. 19
    namekarB says:

    What Cassidy said. This is actually great news for progressives. Republicans need to wear this kind of support hanging around their neck like an albatross.

  20. 20
    David Koch says:

    I await the Mini-Broders sayin Obama needs to invite Commander Heimbach to Camp David and movie night to find common ground.

  21. 21
    Zam says:

    Fine, whites can vote in Europe then.

  22. 22
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    @David Koch: Hey, there’s a National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, so, you know … both sides, or something.

  23. 23
    Arm The Homeless says:

    Other student groups should follow them around on their little jaunts. Call it Operation Snowflake

  24. 24
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    Does Towson University have some sort of affirmative action program for irredeemable racist assholes? I can’t think of any other way Backpfeifengesicht Heimbach gained admission.

  25. 25
    russell says:

    i’m going to start a 501(c)(4) to raise money to arm black people.

  26. 26
    max says:

    who goes by the title “Commander Heimbach”

    I suggest someone kick him the nuts, and dub that the ‘Heimbach Maneuver’.

    “It’s 2013. It’s 2013. It’s 2013. WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?”

    I remember thinking something just like that when the skins were big in the late 80’s.

    [‘There’s always someone who wants to try the same old shit again…’]

  27. 27
    Suffern ACE says:

    Who exactly are they planning on arresting? Or is this just some excuse to carry around weapons openly.

  28. 28
    Mike in NC says:

    Back in the 90’s I drilled for several years at the Navy Reserve Center at Fort McHenry. Towson had a reputation as a haven for assholes. Go figure.

  29. 29
    scav says:

    Remember always to note clearly that Heimbach et. al. are members of Republican Outreach. These are the offered hands of welcome and conciliation.

  30. 30
    Thymezone says:

    I hear the guy also holds the patent on Soylent Green and plans to start selling the food supplement online. Asked why he chose to sell a food product made out of human meat, Heimbach said “I just really don’t like people who aren’t me.”

  31. 31

    How sucktastic that this takes place at my alma mater. Nice legacy there, Towson U. (Cringes in corner)

  32. 32
    MikeJ says:

    Nobody’s sayin’ they don’t appreciate what Jenny did.

  33. 33
    Thymezone says:

    Heimbach is starting a political action group called “Friends of Auschwitz.”

  34. 34
    Thymezone says:

    @Mystical chick:

    I think your cat is sitting on your keyboard.

  35. 35
    Suffern ACE says:

    @Mystical chick: it’s 23 students. That’s hardly a movement.

  36. 36
    Punchy says:

    @Thymezone:Perhaps Towson just has a lot of alumni on the board tonite….

  37. 37
    Thymezone says:


    Imaginative bunch, I must say.

  38. 38
    Richard says:

    So are these fucks going to be goosestepping around and asking people if their papers are in order? No doubt, they will be wearing the appropriate armbands, black uniforms and boots.

  39. 39
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    @Suffern ACE:

    23 out of about 18,000. There’s probably 23 total racist assholes in any random group of 18,000 people. Most of them, admittedly, don’t play out their Gestapo fantasy in public.

  40. 40
    Ruckus says:

    It would have been more believable if he’d stated “There’s a huge profit in it”

  41. 41
    Liquid says:

    You’d think the guy might have some imagination and use “Commandant.”

    Or Gruppenführer.

  42. 42
    mclaren says:

    A racist hate group at Towson University has announced plans to conduct its own nighttime police patrols on campus.

    What could possibly go wrong?

    Cue the “No one could possibly have foreseen [white guy shoots innocent black honor student teenager]” quotes…

  43. 43
    Thor Heyerdahl says:

    Where are Jake & Elwood when you need them?

  44. 44
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    I can’t wait for conservatives to decry how poor Commander Heimbach is being persecuted just because he’s conservative! It’s one of their more head-scratching impulses.

  45. 45
    Villago Delenda Est says:


    Perhaps he was holding out for Oberstgruppenführer

    Or Pat Buchanan told him to back off, as Pat has rights to all SA/SS ranks

  46. 46
    SatanicPanic says:

    @Shalimar: True conservatives would never say this sort of thing, in public.

  47. 47
    David Koch says:

    Smithers, release the Dronzes

  48. 48
    Tone in DC says:

    Maybe one of the NAAWP wannabes at Towson is related to Bobby Ehrlich. Or Rand Paul.

  49. 49
    karen says:

    So the college is actually giving them this power? The town of Towson, the state of Maryland? And what power does this mean? Does this mean they can just beat up all “suspicious” looking black people?

  50. 50
    mouse tolliver says:

    George Zimmerman’s brother is hoping he’ll come down with that Michael Jackson skin disease so he can join this group.

  51. 51
    MikeJ says:

    @karen: It would be nice if we could click the link and read the source, but John didn’t provide it. I like the extra dumb quotes like:

    Heimbach said female members have also been enrolling in self-defense classes, and members have been going to local gun ranges as a group, but not in a “military way,” Heimbach said.

  52. 52
    sparky says:

    This dude is operating at stopwatch speed. NO 15 MINUTES OF FAME FOR YOU!

    This country needs more Thorazine for christsake.

  53. 53
    FlipYrWhig says:

    @David Koch: a drone attack on white supremacists… Dude, you never go Full Greenwald.

  54. 54
    Villago Delenda Est says:


    Not in a “military way”? You mean they eschew fire discipline?

    Which would not surprise me at all.

    “Do not open fire until you see the black of their skin!”

  55. 55
    Petorado says:

    @Thor Heyerdahl:

    Heimbach is thinking of another Belushi moment: it was definitely not over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, or when Lincoln ended slavery.

  56. 56
    MikeJ says:

    @FlipYrWhig: Drones are one of the best things citizens can have.

  57. 57
    Yutsano says:

    Papieren bitte.

    Nope, still sounds creepy in the original German.

  58. 58
    Redshift says:

    @karen: No, according to the article they aren’t even a registered group because no faculty member will sponsor them, so the university isn’t giving them any power. They’re just a bunch of assholes who plan to “patrol” the campus and be dicks to black students, since they’re sure nonwhites are committing all sorts of crimes that no one in the university or media will cover. They also have a heavy “protect the wimminfolk” line, like their proud Southern forebears.

  59. 59
    IdahoFlaneuse says:

    @Spaghetti Lee:

    Embarrassed to admit to being a graduate of Towson University.
    It was Towson State back in the dark ages when I graduated. Can’t help but wonder what the hell they are teaching there now.

  60. 60
    Villago Delenda Est says:


    Your papers are not in order! Ve haff ways in Berlin to make you talk…most unpleasant ways, I assure you!

  61. 61
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    “You vill beg for the exquisite mercy of death!”

  62. 62
    Unsympathetic says:

    They’ll probably just loiter at the Pei Wei and make sure the duckpin bowling alley is safe for white people doing white things.

    What’s his grand plan, move on to “walking the beat” in Ruxton?

    I hope he gets smart and tries to walk west on North Avenue after dark. For those of you who don’t know Baltimore.. that’s the part of the hood where white people shouldn’t stop at stop signs.

  63. 63
    NotMax says:

    People who feel threatened by the assumption that “their” slice of the pie is being nibbled down, and cannot grasp that a ready panacea is to make a larger pie…

    …don’t deserve pie at all.

  64. 64
    TG Chicago says:

    And for the record, while I in no way support this group or its endeavors, I will say that it is nice having the fucking racists out in the open where we can keep an eye on them.

    Geez, talk about not realizing it’s 2013…

    Most racists aren’t out in the open like this! Most probably don’t even realize they’re racist.

  65. 65
    seaboogie says:

    “For those who are not Towson students it seems hard to fathom that every single day black predators prey upon the majority white Towson University student body.”

    Black predators on the “majority” white student body. Dude obviously is descended from a long line of stupid with a sense of superiority that lies entirely in his melanin-challenged skin color.

  66. 66
    Thor Heyerdahl says:

    @Yutsano: Or “Ausweis bitte” – just as creepy as they play out their SiPo fantasies…

  67. 67
    Thor Heyerdahl says:

    @Petorado: I think he’s playing out the Niedermeyer ROTC powertrip instead.

  68. 68
    Villago Delenda Est says:


    Or a pie in the face.

    Followed by a clue-by-four in the face.

  69. 69
    Thymezone says:


    I was going for campy.

  70. 70
    Yutsano says:

    @Thor Heyerdahl: I think they should all wear the same shirts to identify themselves. Something in a dark tannish hue. With sashes. Yes, that’s the ticket!

  71. 71
    Johannes says:

    “The trouble with you, Heimbach, is that just because you have succeeded in inducing a handful of half-wits to disfigure the London scene by going about in black shorts, you think you’re someone. You hear them shouting “Heil, Heimbach!” and you imagine it is the Voice of the People. That is where you make your bloomer. What the Voice of the People is saying is: “Look at that frightful ass Heimbach swanking about in footer bags! Did you ever in your puff see such a perfect perisher?”

  72. 72
    Linda Featheringill says:

    Towson University is in Maryland! Amazing!

  73. 73
    bjacques says:


    Roderick Spode (who has a dark secret), FTW!

  74. 74
    HeartlandLiberal says:

    University President Maravene Loeschke, presidentsoffice@towson.edu, is eager to hear words of praise on how safe her campus is being made from the depredations of the dangerous Black hordes of thugs roaming its grounds at night.

    I let her know that I knew how proud she must be to see Towson racing forward into the last, no make that the first half of two centuries ago.

  75. 75
    Johannes says:

    @bjacques: Just mention “Eulalie.”…

  76. 76
    hells littlest angel says:

    I’d prefer they were somewhere we couldn’t see them — under six feet of earth.

  77. 77
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    There is a crying need for a “Hitler Finds Out About the White Students Union at Towson University” YouTube thingy. I hope some clever person does this immediately.

  78. 78
    Dan says:

    Won’t the kkk sue for copyright infringement?

  79. 79
    pk says:

    If African-Americans should vote in Africa then shouldn’t Heimbach vote in Germany.

  80. 80
    WereBear says:

    How low is your actual self-esteem, how deep is your urge to bully, how desperate to do you have to be… to turn to white supremacy?

    Really? The melanin content of your skin? That’s all you’ve got going for you?

    I’m rather encouraged the group is so small. Maryland has a lot of the Southland lurking in its makeup…

  81. 81
    Cheryl from Maryland says:

    @Johannes: Thank you for the great P.G.

  82. 82
    brantl says:

    @Zam: FTFW!

    And for the record, while I in no way support this group or its endeavors, I will say that it is nice having the fucking racists out in the open where we can keep an eye on them.

    While exercising their 2nd amendment rights, and 000 IQ.

  83. 83
    Randy P says:

    If his rant were posted online, I’d just dismiss it as obvious trolling. It’s the kind of thing 14-to-20-year-olds post purely for attention, thinking they’re clever and original.

    Even though this is real life, it still smells like trollery to me. The reaction here and no doubt on the Towson campus is the point. I’m just not sure why. Is he aiming for an early draft as a Fox pundit?

  84. 84
    Jack the Second says:

    “Loud member of a hate group” is also like a political Darwin Award. There may be plenty of racist assholes in Washington but I feel comfortable predicting this guy will never join them.

  85. 85
    Poopyman says:

    @WereBear: Ain’t THAT the truth. And I say that as I sit here in Southern MD, where Union troops had to actively occupy the area during the Late Unpleasantness,and local boys had to cross the Potomac to fight on the Right Side.

    But really, I think this will all dissipate once the University reminds the students that there are Rules:

    Prohibited Conduct
    The following misconduct is subject to disciplinary action:

    2c. Off campus conduct that is disorderly and disrupts others in the community.
    3. Lewd, obscene or indecent behavior.
    4. Physical abuse of any person.
    5a. Unwanted physical contact or threat of physical contact with a university official.
    5b. Threats of violence or placing a person in fear of imminent physical injury or danger.
    5c. Any endangering conduct that imperils or jeopardizes the health or safety of any person or persons, including oneself.
    5d. Stalking of any person.
    6. Inflicting mental or emotional distress upon a person through a course of conduct involving abuse or disparagement of that person’s race, religion, sex, creed, sexual orientation, age, national origin or disability.

    Of course, then they’ll just be driven (back) underground.

    Oh, and of course this one, as it seems relevant:

    16. The possession or use of any firearms or instrument which may be construed as a weapon, without express permission of the University Police.

  86. 86
    Tumbrel For Hire says:

    “Hey bros, join us for White Power Wednesday at Bill Bateman’s!”

  87. 87
    Jebediah says:


    While exercising their 2nd amendment rights, and 000 IQ.

    At least that IQ is in triple digits!

  88. 88
    dan says:

    A pledge pin! On your uniform? Just tell me, mister, what fraternity would pledge a man like you?

  89. 89
    jshooper says:

    Glenn Greenwald wants to know this guy’s views on Drugs & Drones before we dismiss him as a fringe lunatic…His views must be heard…You tribal partisan Obama lovers are always trying to silence freedom loving libertarians like Heimbach

  90. 90
    sparrow says:

    I live really close to Towson. It’s on my list of schools that I might try to get a job at if I make it to being professor material. This makes me pretty upset. I HAVE to think that if the administration there had any brains they would be trying to shut this group down ASAP. The worst outcome would be an inpouring of more white supremacist/neonazi students thinking this is some kind of haven, and concurrent outpouring of minorities. They are not a highly ranked school, and this is only going to be bad news for them.

    And of course the whole thing is just fucking repugnant.

  91. 91
    Redshirt says:

    Why is it ALL white supremacists are so lacking in superiority?

  92. 92
    Felonius Monk says:

    I was never very good with the German language, but doesn’t Heimbach loosely translate as “dick-less, racist asshole”?

  93. 93

    These assholes are just drooling over the thought of becoming the next George Zimmerman. There’s no way this will end well. Well, I shouldn’t say that. The best outcome that I can foresee is that these scumbags will have people neighborhood watching them, which will cut back sharply on the likelihood that they’ll get to shoot any darkies, and then after a while they’ll get pissed off that they haven’t shot any darkies, give up and go home. That’s what I hope. But I fear things could get much uglier.

  94. 94
    El Caganer says:

    University admin needs to tell these clowns that their first “patrol” will be their last one, since they’ll be expelled immediately.

    And I’m sure their families are thrilled. “My son, the campus Nazi.”

  95. 95
    Xenos says:

    @El Caganer: Easily done. No need to confront these twerps, just take pictures of them. Send phots of them with weapons to the Dean.

  96. 96
    DavidTC says:

    I don’t know why anyone wants to ‘shut these guys down’. Fuck that. That just means we don’t know where they are. And right now, we _do_: They’ve just essentially said they were going to wander around, vigilante-like, at night, rather obviously trying to make trouble for black people.

    Does anyone think this situation is just begging for black undercover police officers to wander the campus at night holding hands with white undercover police officers and waiting to be attacked?(1) While that couple is secretly filmed and recorded?

    Forget trying to get rid of the group. Let’s arrest the fuckers for taking a well-documented swing at a police officer after they start screaming at that police officer and he refuses to back down.

    1) It is worth pointing out that entrapment laws do not apply to the police deliberately setting themselves up to be victimized. It’s only police _asking_ people to commit crimes that is entrapment.

  97. 97
    Joel (Macho Man Randy Savage) says:

    This sounds like a job for the JDL.

  98. 98
    DavidTC says:

    black undercover police officers to wander the campus at night holding hands with white undercover police officers

    Heh, rereading that, I realize I messed up. When I said that, I actually mean to say _male_ black police officers holding hands with _female_ white police officers, but somehow left the genders out. But we could just as easily make them both men and see if the racists are also homophobes.

  99. 99
    MCA1 says:

    @DavidTC: Interesting idea. I was thinking more along the lines of just getting an interracial group of a hundred people to get together and follow them around wherever they go, keeping about 20 yards between them at all times, and conspicuously carrying a lot of cameras with them. Everyone on campus will surely knew what’s going on, and could identify the individuals with Heimbach. Someone could set up a website called “Identities of the Towson Klan Members” and post pictures of these morons with their names so people can laugh at them in class the next day. Let’s see how public they really want to be when posterity is on the line. Mockery would be a good counter to their pitiful smallmindedness.

  100. 100
    Ed Drone says:


    If African-Americans should vote in Africa then shouldn’t Heimbach vote in Germany?

    The German government has laws against parties aping the Third Reich, and these guys would find themselves in jail PDQ.


  101. 101
    Ed Drone says:


    Maryland has a lot of the Southland lurking in its makeup…

    The despot’s heel is on thy shore,
    Maryland, my Maryland!
    His torch is at thy temple door,
    Maryland, my Maryland!
    Observe the poor deluded whites
    That strut the streets of Towson’s nights,
    Defending their imagined rights!
    Maryland, my Maryland!

    … Although I keep wanting to write:
    Melanin, my melanin!


  102. 102
    SRW1 says:

    who goes by the title “Commander Heimbach”

    Was Sturmbannfuehrer too much of a tongue twister?

  103. 103
    rikyrah says:

    this will not end well.

    these mofos think it’s 1955.

    it’s suburban Maryland in 2013.

    Ain’t nobody playing with them.

    And WHEN they step to the WRONG ONE and get their asses beat…don’t say shyt.

  104. 104
    Patricia Kayden says:

    “I will say that it is nice having the fucking racists out in the open where we can keep an eye on them.”

    They’re already out in the open. They’re called T’Baggers aka Republicans.

    And Black students at Towson should form a patrol too. Meet fire with fire.

  105. 105
    karen says:

    How much do you want to bet that if they shoot and kill a black person that Fox will be furious and drum up backlash against any penalty the Hitler wannabe because the Great White Hope belonged there and you know, black people at college? Blame affirmative action.

Comments are closed.