It’s the little things that make me realize I am losing my mind. I’d probably be a lot worse without my iPhone, but I figured out how to make it beep when there was important stuff I had to do. Regardless, I really do think I am losing my mind.
I know I bought a god damned container of mustard yesterday when I was at the grocery. I know because when I was walking the bags into the house before parking the car in the garage, the mustard fell out, I picked it up, put it in my pocket, dropped all the groceries in the kitchen, and I took the mustard out and put it on the counter.
I parked the car, came up from the basement, and began unbagging things, and with my elbow I knocked the mustard on to the floor, but it did not break, and I thought to myself “That could have really sucked.” I then picked the mustard up, put it in the fridge (breaking the unbagging protocol- all items get unbagged, then I put things away as such- frozens, then fridge stuff, then fresh veg that can stay out, then non-perishables I want to have cold when I use them- mustard, for example, then the shit I can just throw in whatever cabinet space I have left).
So tonight I want to use the mustard, open the fridge, and it ISN’T FUCKING THERE. I checked the cabinets to see if I misremembered everything and didn’t really put in the fridge. I pulled every damned item out of the fridge. No mustard. Oh, yeah. The kale and carrots and unsalted butter are there. The mustard- DENIED. Freezer? No mustard. I turned on every light in the garage and every car interior light and used my big ass long black flashlight to search the car. No mustard.
I don’t know if I am in fugue state, schizophrenic, or I’m really dead like the Sixth Sense or just dreaming shit like Newhart and Pleshette.
I’m this close to going to the garbage can and looking for a receipt to see whether I did by mustard or not.
Please tell me this has happened to you.
*** UPDATE ***
Adding to my misery, I realize now that I just may have blown my only chance to title a post “He got the Mustard Out” from the BTVS musical episode.
And the reason I want this mustard so bad is because WHEN I BOUGHT THE DAMNED MUSTARD I also bought a corned beef and cabbage and potatoes and carrots, dropped them off down the street at home and dad cooked them and they were DELICIOUS. And now I want some hot corned beef and cabbage leftovers with some tart and tangy stone ground mustard with just a touch of pepper and just enough vinegar and IT IS NOT THERE.