Adopt a Cardinal

This site will let you “adopt” a random unindicted co-conspirator. Here’s my new boy, isn’t he cute?
It's a Boy!
Cigars all around for the new arrival. There’s no checking to be sure the email is really yours, so feel free to adopt cardinals for all your friends. Just remember not to treat your new adoptee the way some cardinals would.

52 replies
  1. 1
    me says:

    You should use the latin title “Praefectus Congregatio de Cultu Divino et Disciplina Sacramentorum”.

  2. 2
    max says:

    You can’t link it. Darn. I got:

    Name: Norberto Rivera Carrera – Country: Mexico – Day of birth: 1942-6-6 – Cardinal since: 1998-2-21 – Function: Archbishop of Mexico (City), Mexico

    ¡Viva Mexico!

    [‘I wonder how many R’s would shit bricks if the guy was picked?’]

  3. 3
    Just One More Canuck says:

    Angelo Bagnasco, Archbishop of Genoa

  4. 4
    kindness says:

    Jon Stewart nominated Bill O’Riley last night. It was funny.

  5. 5
    BGinCHI says:

    I’m guessing his first words will be “filthy lucre.”

  6. 6
    Petorado says:

    Put a fedora on the guy and he’d be perfect for the Sopranos.

    What’s with that angelic smile and beatific look in his eyes? He’s truly thinking of doing the Lord’s work in that picture.

  7. 7
    Steeplejack says:


    He looks like Peter Griffin in Family Guy.

  8. 8
    scav says:

    Name: George Pell
    Country: Australia
    Day of birth: 1941-6-8
    Cardinal since: 2003-10-21
    Function: Archbishop of Sydney, Australia

    I’m wondering if one might get a little lonely though (especially as I was selfishly hoping for a more exciting one).

  9. 9
    burnspbesq says:

    Now that you’re in league with the Crusaders, when bin Laden’s son-in-law busts out of the MDC and brings Jihad to the heart of the Great Satan, y’all will be the first to go. I pray that your deaths will be quick and painless.

  10. 10
    maya says:

    Why adopt a cardinal when you can bet on one.

  11. 11
    MattF says:

    Do I have to bring him up as a Catholic?

  12. 12
    me says:

    @maya: “Richard Dawkins (UK) 666/1 ” Heh.

  13. 13
    scav says:


    Richard Dawkins (UK)

  14. 14
    Just One More Canuck says:

    @maya: My guy (Bagnasco) is at 16 to 1. I see Bono is at 1000 to 1

  15. 15
    maya says:


    What’s with that angelic smile and beatific look in his eyes? He’s truly thinking of doing the Lord’s work in that picture

    Or, a magnificent hunk of alterboy just happened by.

  16. 16
    JPL says:

    @kindness: O’Reilly would fit right in since he already paid someone off because of sexual harassment.

  17. 17
    handsmile says:


    Disappointed to see that Tony Scalia was not yet part of PaddyPower’s “Next Pope” list.

    Might have to be a punter there myself to add him.

    ETA: While there, I just might put in a wager as to “How Julian Assange will leave the Ecuadorean Embassy” and whether the giant pandas at the Edinburgh Zoo will have offspring this year.

  18. 18
    Linda Featheringill says:

    Hee-hee. That is so cute, mistermix. It just made my morning.

  19. 19
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Wonder why all these fuckers look maniacally evil instead of wise and beatific?

  20. 20
    joeyess says:

    the only cardinals I’ll be adopting are the ones around my bird feeder.

    Until baseball begins.


  21. 21
    maya says:

    @handsmile: Sorry, Supreme Cardinal Scalia is not eligible. To wit:

    How do you solve a problem like Scalia?
    How do you grab a fart and pin it down?
    How do you find a word that describes Scalia?
    A flabby-fasciste’! A wall of a w*p! A clown!

  22. 22
    BGinCHI says:

    I got this dude:

    Name: Edwin Frederick O’Brien OESSH
    Country: USA
    Day of birth: 1939-4-8
    Cardinal since: 2012-2-18
    Function: Grand Master of the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem

    Horse Cardinal!!!!

  23. 23
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    I’m vaguely interested in Vatican politics, because I always wonder what American influence is, how much of Catholic financing comes from that Domino’s pizza guy and people like my parents’ grade school class mates who “did well,” as we say, while their numbers increasingly come from Africa, the Philippines and South and Central America. I know the aging members of my clan who still go to Mass will shit bricks if the Pope is non-white. And how many Europeans east of the German-Polish border really give a fuck.

  24. 24
    the Conster says:

    There’s an interesting little Italian movie called Habemus Papam that begins with a conclave with the cardinals all praying separately that please please lord let it not be them. After the favorites all split the vote, they settle on the French cardinal Melville who never sees it coming, and at the last second before greeting the throngs in St. Peter’s square, can’t handle it and goes AWOL. The conclave can’t disband and hilarity ensues. It has a whiff of prescience about it. Doesn’t the Malachy prophecy say this will be the last pope?

  25. 25
    catclub says:

    @Petorado: Italian also includes St Francis. Not just mobsters.

  26. 26
    Felonius Monk says:

    If they are up for adoption, does that mean that they are all BASTARDS?

  27. 27
    Booger says:

    Meh. Looks to me like he has a ‘wide stance.’

  28. 28
    AA+ Bonds says:

    Gay marriage support up among Catholic voters:

    A new poll from Quinnipiac University finds that support for same-sex marriages among American voters is up, at 47-43 percent, and is additionally up among Catholic voters, by a margin of 54-28 percent. . . .

    “Catholic voters are leading American voters toward support for same-sex marriage,” Peter A. Brown, the assistant director of the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute, wrote in a statement.

  29. 29
    handsmile says:

    From the “Adopt-a-Cardinal” website (which appears not to be the spoof I imagined) seeking on behalf of “the Cardinal assigned to you…your prayers and intercession during the coming weeks before and during the conclave”:

    “We deliberately have not defined what or how to pray or fast. Everyone is free to intercede according to one’s capacity and inclination.”

    mistermix et al: care to disclose the nature of your own intercession?

  30. 30
    Auguste says:

    You can also bet on the papal name. Damian is 200/1 and Paddy Power is 1000/1.

  31. 31
    scav says:

    @handsmile: Well, mine’s going to get the best vegetarian kibble on all fast days.

  32. 32
    dance around in your bones says:

    I should probably wait for an open thread (because I do not give a shit who the pope will be) but – has the site rebuild happened yet?

    I keep getting weird stuff like text overlaid on text, no headers, where the fuck are the rotating tag lines!!? and no funny alt text on photos (particularly by Cole, which used to crack me up), and gawdamn, where are the previous/next links at the bottom of the thread?

    Maybe I should send Cole an email. Rant over.

  33. 33
    catclub says:

    @Auguste: Guido?

  34. 34
    handsmile says:


    Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
    Many a thing he ought to understand….

    Oh, how do you solve a problem like Scalia?
    How do you kick a mooncalf in the ‘nads?

  35. 35

    I want the guy from Ghana (not for any theological reasons but what the hell?), but my money is on one of the Italians.

  36. 36
    beltane says:

    Philippe Barbarin, Archbishop of Lyon.

    If my cardinal is the one chosen do I win a prize?

  37. 37
    dmsilev says:

    Remember folks, it’s important to get your new cardinal neutered right away. Wouldn’t want any accidents, would we?

  38. 38
    dexwood says:

    And micro-chipped.

  39. 39
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Can I get an altar boy for my new cardinal to play with?

  40. 40
    Gozer says:

    I got Daniel DiNardo, Archbishop of Galveston-Houston.

  41. 41
    Dee Loralei says:

    @the Conster: I got that from Netflix the other day and plan to watch this weekend!

  42. 42
    Just One More Canuck says:

    @catclub: Groucho? Harpo?

  43. 43
    quannlace says:

    I like Charlie Pierce’s term for this crowd ‘The Clan of the Red Beanie’

  44. 44
    quannlace says:

    I have a prediction for this conclave. They will elect an old white guy.

  45. 45
    Mnemosyne says:


    I dunno — maybe they’ll decide it’s finally time for Pope Joan II.

  46. 46
    gnomedad says:

    What, have we run out of pagan babies?

  47. 47
    scav says:

    @quannlace: Don’t go out on a limb or anything. Scarey old Catholic white guy with issues has similar odds.

    Alas! Joan is right below putting the tiara on an actual feathered follower of St. Francis and way below Mohammed al-Papa Ist. Sigh.

  48. 48
    TEL says:

    I got one we’ve all heard of:

    Name: Timothy Dolan
    Country: USA
    Day of birth: 1950-2-6
    Cardinal since: 2012-2-18
    Function: Archbishop of New York, United States

  49. 49
    Vico says:

    Mine is Reinhard Marx of Germany. Like likely that he will be elevated.

  50. 50
    Greg says:

    Thank you for this! I and all of my friends have adopted a Cardinal. I got Paolo Romero, from Italy. We are going to treat it like Derby Week, but without mint juleps.

  51. 51
    HeartlandLiberal says:

    I clicked the link, but apparently Slashdot effect has become the Balloon-Juice effect, and the site seems to be overwhelmed with traffic and cannot respond now. I gave up after a couple minutes waiting for it to load.

  52. 52

    I`d like adoped a cardinal for prayer for him.
    Vitoria Marques

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