Woman Arrested With Loaded Gun in Her Vagina — So That Happened.

This takes “vagina dentata” to a whole ‘nother level:

MARCH 6–An Oklahoma woman arrested Monday on drug charges had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina, according to police.

The weapon was discovered during a search of Christie Dawn Harris, 28, by a female officer with the Ada Police Department. According to a police report, the cop spotted the handle of the five-shot revolver “sticking out from” inside Harris, who is seen at right.

In a less shocking find, investigators also discovered plastic baggies containing methamphetamine lodged in the crack of Harris’s buttocks.

The Freedom Arms .22-caliber handgun was loaded with three live rounds and one spent shell, cops reported. As to where the weapon was recovered, the police report noted, “gun located in suspect vagina.”

First, any vagina with a gun in it — loaded or not — automatically qualifies as a “suspect” vagina. (Grammar is important, guys.)

Second, there was one spent shell? She must have been doing her Kegel exercises.

Third, SHE HAD A LOADED GUN IN HER VAGINA, YOU GUYS.

[via The Smoking Gun]

[cross-posted at ABLC]

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92 replies
  1. 1
    Betty Cracker says:

    OMFG. That is all.

  2. 2
    Egypt Steve says:

    Reminds me of a joke that was going around my elementary school when I was like, in the fifth grade. Let’s just say the punchline was: “Better yet, help me find my car and we can drive out.”

  3. 3
    Comrade Mary says:

    That is not how you take a pap smear.

    Also: BIGGEST cringe in the world.

  4. 4
    dmsilev says:

    Was the gun cocked?

    (sorry)

  5. 5
    The Moar You Know says:

    That’s not a small gun and not a cheap one either. Freedom does competition-grade firearms, the .22 lists for over $2000.

    And…hooo boy I cringe to even type this – all the five-shot .22 caliber versions have ten-inch barrels.

  6. 6
    dan says:

    You talkin’ to me?

  7. 7
    General Stuck says:

    Those things are dangerous, so are guns.

  8. 8
    Thoughtcrime says:

    This is my weapon
    This is my gun
    This is for fighting
    and this is for fun

  9. 9
    Baud says:

    And you thought air travel was a hassle after the shoe bomber…

  10. 10
    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q) says:

    Impressive. Dangerous. Expensive weapon. Possibly indicative of (psycho)pathology, also too.

    Tl;dr: Scary

  11. 11
    Reformed Panty Sniffer says:

    @dmsilev:

    I just spewed all over the keyboard. Where would you like the Internets delivered?

  12. 12
    kc says:

    Second, there was one spent shell? She must have been doing her Kegel exercises.

    Bwahahaha!

  13. 13
    ruemara says:

    saw this on FB. still traumatized.

  14. 14
    Baud says:

    If a vaginal gun goes off and kills a fetus, is it a crime or the exercise of a constitutional right? #wingnutthoughtpuzzles

  15. 15
    YellowJournalism says:

    Add “Person Who Cleans Confiscated Weapons” to my list of jobs I never want to have, just above “Wal-Mart Greeter” and below “Any Job Featured on Dirty Jobs.”

  16. 16
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    When vaginas are outlawed, only outlaws, etc.

  17. 17
    FlipYrWhig says:

    That’s when i reach for my “revulva.”

  18. 18
    TenguPhule says:

    *Drumroll*

    Stop the planet, I want to get off.

  19. 19
    Thoughtcrime says:

    I thought the AR15 was the Bushmaster.

  20. 20
    retr2327 says:

    Via the “smoking gun”?? Seriously?

  21. 21
    Yutsano says:

    @YellowJournalism: “Dirty Jobs” is now canceled. No mas Mike Rowe standing around looking HAWT while getting dirty.

  22. 22
    Citizen_X says:

    YOU CAN TAKE MY GUN WHEN YOU PULL MY COLD DEAD oh forget it.

  23. 23
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Women with guns in their cooters have a way of shuttin that whole thing down.

  24. 24
    legion says:

    And here I thought the only way to stop a bad vagina was a douche…

  25. 25
    Anoniminous says:

    Say WHAT?!?

    This is …

    This is …

    (uh)

    This …

    (words fail)

  26. 26
    Tom Levenson says:

    And hey? Right on cue — the comet approaches.

    No one could say we didn’t have it coming.

  27. 27
    efgoldman says:

    @Egypt Steve:

    …the punchline was: “Better yet, help me find my car and we can drive out.”

    In my day it was a motorcycle. We were more innocent then.

  28. 28
    efgoldman says:

    @FlipYrWhig:

    That’s when i reach for my “revulva.”

    Two minute penalty for bad punning.

  29. 29
    eclecticbrotha says:

    Let’s see.

    1. Its a good thing the safety was on.
    2. I’ve heard of “snappers” but now we have “cappers” too?
    3. Is that what you’d refer to as an “ammo toe?”
    4. Her favorite sexual position must be “reverse ‘kapow!’ girl.”

    OK, I’m done.

  30. 30
    Schlemizel says:

    as a younger man I once saw a show where a woman fired ping pong balls out of her vagina. The was impressive but this act would be killer

  31. 31
    wenchacha says:

    They called her boyfriend Deadeye Dick. They weren’t kidding.

  32. 32
    Ripley says:

    Blah blah blah vaginal discharge yadda yadda…

  33. 33
    Poopyman says:

    @The Moar You Know: The Smoking Gun (heh!) has a picture of the “item”, and I’m relieved (?) to see that it’s a snub nose.

    “I observed at that time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area,” reported Officer Kathy Unbewust, who added that she “pulled the item from her vagina, and found it to be a 5 shot revolver with rounds in the chamber.

    Adds new meaning to “whipping it out”.

  34. 34
    pacem appellant says:

    I wish to point out, rather pedantically, that the gun could not have been sticking out her vagina, but rather her vulva. Most people have never seen a vagina, and never will.

  35. 35
    danimal says:

    Sheldon Adelson can update his aspirin joke now… This is taking birth control to a whole new level… She’s armed and ready. What’s the NRA position, anyway?

  36. 36
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Poopyman:

    Good thing latex gloves are now standard cop issue. Ewww.

  37. 37
    Mnemosyne says:

    @pacem appellant:

    To get super-pedantic: it was inside her vagina, but was visible sticking out of the vulva.

    Still eewwww for whoever had to check that into evidence.

  38. 38
    Gin & Tonic says:

    I don’t have a vagina myself, but that just sounds, uh, uncomfortable?

  39. 39
    eastriver says:

    I hear tell she was a crack shot.

  40. 40
    gnomedad says:

    The best bang since the big one.

  41. 41
    HgMn says:

    Happiness is a warm gun

  42. 42
    Tara the Antisocial Social Worker says:

    @Baud:

    If a vaginal gun goes off and kills a fetus, is it a crime or the exercise of a constitutional right? #wingnutthoughtpuzzles

    I was gonna try for a Sex Pistols joke, but this is way better.

    Also, single best use of the “Vagina Outrage” tag on Balloon Juice.

  43. 43
    TBogg says:

    There’s a finger bang joke in here somewhere.

  44. 44
    gogol's wife says:

    I can’t believe I actually read this thread.

  45. 45
    Punchy says:

    She took the advice to use protection a bit too far….

  46. 46
    AxelFoley says:

    @dmsilev:

    Was the gun cocked?

    (sorry)

    Thy internets, wherefore might we deliver them?

  47. 47
    Face says:

    @eclecticbrotha: There just arent words to describe just how fuckin funny “ammo toe” is. Youve won the tubes for the week.

  48. 48
    AxelFoley says:

    @The Moar You Know:

    That’s not a small gun and not a cheap one either. Freedom does competition-grade firearms, the .22 lists for over $2000.

    And…hooo boy I cringe to even type this – all the five-shot .22 caliber versions have ten-inch barrels.

    Five posts in and I can tell this thread is gonna be one for the ages in the annals–I said “annals”, not “anal”–of Balloon Juice history.

  49. 49
    chopper says:

    @FlipYrWhig:

    you win all the internets.

  50. 50
    Mike in NC says:

    @danimal:Foster Friess, a different fat cat sociopath.

  51. 51
    AxelFoley says:

    Oh, fuck, there’s too FUCKING MANY GREAT LINES to quote in this thread.

    I can’t. I just can’t. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

  52. 52
    peach flavored shampoo says:

    Thats one way to treat one’s UTI.

  53. 53
    AxelFoley says:

    Oooh, I got one:

    Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

  54. 54
    aimai says:

    @Baud:
    Baud! FTW.

  55. 55
    chopper says:

    i wonder if she was loading it with wadcutters.

  56. 56
    danimal says:

    @Mike in NC: Oh, FFS, you can’t tell one asshole Republican billionaire from another anymore.

  57. 57
    Face says:

    50+ comments and nobody asks why someone would want to smoke her crack crack?

  58. 58
    Roger Moore says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Still eewwww for whoever had to check that into evidence.

    If they do body cavity searches, the cleaning requirements are going to be nothing new. This may be one of the stranger things they’ve found in a body cavity*, but the rest of the business is probably old hat.

    *ETA: or maybe not. I’m sure the stuff the police find in body cavity searches would shock the average civilian.

  59. 59
    Quaker in a Basement says:

    She had meth in her crack?
    She got crack in her meth!

  60. 60
    1badbaba3 says:

    Okay, “gun nuts”? Nah?
    “She really gets off on guns?” Nah.
    “Hey, is that a gun in your hoo-hah or are you just glad to see me?”

    Man, this is harder than it looks.

    Damn, I did it again.

  61. 61
    Wilson Heath says:

    I didn’t have to keep reading past gun in the vajay to know that meth was involved.

  62. 62
    Quaker in a Basement says:

    OK, NOW try and tell me a gun isn’t a penis substitute.

  63. 63
    rikyrah says:

    eeeewwww

    eeewwwwww

    eeeewwww

    scary

  64. 64
    opie jeanne says:

    Still cringing, and not just from the puns here.

  65. 65
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @Roger Moore: An old friend worked the ER in the now-defunct St. Vincent’s Hospital in the West Village (NYC) in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. All sorts of cringe-inducing body cavity stories, if you get my drift.

  66. 66
    OldBean says:

    @pacem appellant:

    I wish to point out, rather pedantically, that the gun could not have been sticking out her vagina, but rather her vulva. Most people have never seen a vagina, and never will.

    What version of the internet are you using? It must be a lot less fun than the one I’m on…

  67. 67
    Roger Moore says:

    Happiness is a warm, wet gun.

  68. 68
    Keith G says:

    Sounds like a Pussy Riot.

  69. 69
    RedKitten says:

    She was just being proactive and trying to keep the Republicans out of her uterus. I see this becoming a trend.

  70. 70
    OldBean says:

    Now that’s what I call an inpregnable defense.

  71. 71
    OldBean says:

    I’ve always maintained that those who feel they need a handgun for defense are total pussies.

  72. 72
    gbear says:

    I just got back from hearing my vet tell me about the incredibly giant abscess that they just removed from my cat’s ass, and this story grosses me out worse than that. It hasn’t been a good day…

  73. 73
    Keith G says:

    @gbear: What was Rush Limbaugh doing on your cat’s ass?

  74. 74
    Roger Moore says:

    @Keith G:
    No, no. Rush is a giant pilonidal cyst, not a giant abscess. Get your facts straight.

  75. 75
    Keith G says:

    @Roger Moore: Check

  76. 76
    1badbaba3 says:

    Pulling the trigger never felt so good. How long before this gets turned into a sex aide or porn?

    Good gravy, I shudder to think of all the wingunut fapping going on over this. There’s so much for them here.

  77. 77
    gbear says:

    @Keith G: Where else would he be?

  78. 78
    opie jeanne says:

    @gbear: It freaked me out when someone in the comments under the article said that this little pistol DOESN’T HAVE A SAFETY!

    That just adds to the horror I feel for the officer who removed that thing.

  79. 79
    gbear says:

    @opie jeanne:

    What a gunt.

    Too soon?

  80. 80
    AxelFoley says:

    I’m still LOLing over this.

  81. 81
    opie jeanne says:

    @gbear: I dunno, but maybe I should have said “the officer who had to fish it out.”

  82. 82
    BruceJ says:

    @The Moar You Know: Nah, they also make itty-bitty holdout revolvers like this one.

    Commence your inner 12-YO snark… 8-)

  83. 83
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    Ships sail in and ships sail out…

    Not impressed, get back to me when they find a rifle in one. ;p

  84. 84
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    Redneck birth control. I heard that the police found a few million baby makers in a corner of her cooter, cowering in fear.

  85. 85
    smike says:

    “First, any vagina with a gun in it — loaded or not — automatically qualifies as a “suspect” vagina.”

    I haven’t had such a good laugh in a long while. Thank you.

  86. 86
    Forum Transmitted Disease says:

    Nah, they also make itty-bitty holdout revolvers like this one.

    @BruceJ: I knew someone would bring that up. I own one. It’s not made by Freedom but rather North American Arms.

  87. 87
    danielx says:

    The crime that launched a thousand jokes…gives a whole new meaning to “concealed carry”, don’t it now? I’m trying to come up with one that plays on the old “this is a stickup!” line but so far no joy.

  88. 88
    bad Jim says:

    She just snatched it up because she was in a hurry.

  89. 89
    xian says:

    insert joke about snatch and grab crimes here

  90. 90
    Paul in KY says:

    @Quaker in a Basement: Sounds like the beginning of a new taste treat: Reece’s Methocaine!

  91. 91
    Julia Grey says:

    You people. I swan.

  92. 92
    Christy says:

    @dmsilev:
    haha. i get it.

Comments are closed.