Errant Pecker Chronicles

Homophobe Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien is, unsurprisingly, a closeted homosexual who has been accused of sexual misconduct against other priests going back 30 years. He confessed yesterday and will retire, which is more than enough punishment, and we should leave him alone because he’s asked forgiveness from those he “offended”. Luckily, his retirement occurred before the vote for a new Pope, and we know that all the other Cardinals have no history of participating in, covering up or otherwise tolerating bad sexual behavior, so they’ll be free to elect another old man who can explain exactly why God hates fags, why sluts shouldn’t have birth control and why pregnant, bleeding women should die in Catholic hospitals while doctors are forced to wait to make sure their fetus is really, truly dead.

Speaking of wandering penises and brass balls, dedicated hiker Mark Sanford asked his ex-wife to manage his House campaign, saying “I could pay you this time.”

58 replies
  1. 1
    BGinCHI says:

    We need a useful and recognizable term for men in power who bash homosexuals and who are projecting their own fear onto others.

    I’d go with “Republican” or “Bishop” but those are taken.

  2. 2
    PeakVT says:

    I think if I were the ex-Mrs. Mark Sanford, I’d put a hit out on him for that. Or at least hire a couple of guys to rough him up.

  3. 3
    maya says:

    The road to Damascus is mined with Improvised Erectile Devices.

  4. 4
    MattF says:

    And here I was thinking, uncharitably, that you made up that Sanford quote.

    Anyhoo, people should go read Charlie Pierce on yesterday’s interview shows.

  5. 5
    aimai says:


    Oh, I think revenge is a dish best served cold. She is going to live to see that clueless asshole go down in flames. Wonder what favors he will ask “the love of his life” after he’s wandered off on a new Appalachian trail with some other bimbo?

  6. 6
    Roger Moore says:


    I think if I were the ex-Mrs. Mark Sanford, I’d put a hit out on him for that.

    Not creative enough. The correct response is to take the job, grift as much cash out of the campaign as possible, and tank the election.

  7. 7
    dmsilev says:

    @Roger Moore: Be careful. I believe Sarah Palin has copyrighted that playbook.

  8. 8
    The Moar You Know says:

    I like Sanford. He reminds me of my cat. Running around, pissing on, killing or fucking everything he can, no apologies.

  9. 9
    Robin G. says:

    @PeakVT: Nah. The correct answer is: “Absolutely! It would be my PLEASURE. *evil laughter*”

  10. 10
    Amir Khalid says:

    It might not have been brass balls that prompted Mr Sanford to ask the former Mrs to run his campaign. More likely, I think, is that he’s just plain oblivious to the fact that she now has a motive to fuck his shit up real good. So he offers her the means and opportunity to do it.

  11. 11
    Patricia Kayden says:

    If I were Ms. Ex Sanford, I would say yes, then run the campaign into the ground and tell him “No payment necessary”.

  12. 12
    catclub says:

    “He confessed yesterday and will retire”

    But he still gets two votes in the conclave, right?

  13. 13
    Tonybrown74 says:

    dedicated hiker Mark Sanford asked his ex-wife to manage his House campaign, saying “I could pay you this time.”

    Oh my gawd!!

    I am not one to advocate violence, but I think I would understand if she were to throw a steaming hot pot of coffee in his face after that remark.

  14. 14
    MattF says:

    @BGinCHI: How about a “Hoover.” Has a certain ring to it, I think.

  15. 15
    shortstop says:

    @Amir Khalid: I think this is it. We’ve had beaucoup de evidence already of his congenital obliviousness.

    ETA: “Beaucoup d’evidence,” I guess, as long as I’m speaking Frenglish.

  16. 16
    Amir Khalid says:

    No. He’s already out of the conclave before the vote.

  17. 17
    shortstop says:

    @Amir Khalid: Sure, but I doubt he’s planning on missing the afterparty. I heard the gift bags are phenomenal.

  18. 18
    max says:

    Homophobe Scottish Cardinal Keith O’Brien is, unsurprisingly, a closeted homosexual who has been accused of sexual misconduct against other priests going back 30 years.

    By ‘sexual misconduct’ people mean what? I haven’t seen that yet, but from the sounds of it, he was macking on other guys. (Maybe it would qualify as sexual harassment?) If that’s all he did, then that makes him the nicest misbehaving Church guy that I’ve heard about recently (== 10 years), which is strange because the papers make it sound like he’s on par with that dude in LA and whatnot.

    I guess the centrist position is that they disapprove of gay sex, sex, homophobia, and guys having sex with girls and guys. And also hypocrisy. And sex.

    [‘Jesus would be very confused.’]

  19. 19
    eric says:

    @BGinCHI: Graham Cracker? gets a couple of entendres in there

  20. 20
    BGinCHI says:

    @MattF: By Jove, I think you’ve got it.

  21. 21
    shortstop says:

    @max: He was sexually harassing numerous priests (adults).

  22. 22
    Woodrowfan says:

    “By ‘sexual misconduct’ people mean what?”

    I got the impression that they meant sexual harassment. Although, since he took a vow of celibacy, any sexual activity counts as “misconduct.”

  23. 23
    shortstop says:

    @BGinCHI: Beege, local rant addressed to (and personalized for) you because you’re nearby: I don’t want to work, and I have SO much work to do. I just want to buy a couple of quarts of ToL lentil soup and ride the storm out on the couch with my dear husband and pooch, watching 1930s screwball comedies.

  24. 24
    Joey Maloney says:

    “I could pay you this time.”

    “I’ll leave the money on the bureau.”

  25. 25
    eric says:

    @Woodrowfan: i took sexual misconduct to be laughing at Le Cage Aux Folles together.

  26. 26
    Ash Can says:

    You can tell how low the Catholic hierarchy has set the bar when you’re just glad O’Brien was fucking with adults rather than children.

    As for Sanford, you all have convinced me that his ex should take the gig, and happily and cheerfully too, rather than simply shoving his dick and balls into a blender with him still attached, then pouring honey all over what’s left and leaving it out for the fire ants. She could provide for herself and her kids for years to come with all that lovely PAC money, and she could not only tank his campaign but destroy his reputation as well by leaking videos, e-mails, etc. right and left to the press. It would indeed be the ideal situation for her.

  27. 27
    Suffern ACE says:

    @Roger Moore: Beat me too it. Hell, I’d go all Producers and sell 10,000% shares in the campaign.

  28. 28
    eric says:

    @Ash Can: given that she would have access to his REAL financial disclosures, she absolutely should take the gig with a very reliable photocopier.

  29. 29
    Ash Can says:

    @eric: An added bonus would be if she were to find a shitload of cash that he hid during the divorce proceedings, and get his sorry ass thrown in jail on top of everything.

    ETA: Or is that what you were talking about in the first place? I’m a little slow this AM…

  30. 30
    Roger Moore says:


    I got the impression that they meant sexual harassment.

    Sexual harassment covers a lot of ground, though. It can range from inappropriate comments to rape. The reports suggest he was using his position to force himself on his subordinates, which sounds a lot like rape to me. Whether being a rapist of adults is worse than covering up the rape of children is a debate I’d rather leave to the kind of theologian who is worried about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin.

  31. 31
    BGinCHI says:

    @shortstop: It’s supposed to snow a shit ton tomorrow too. I’m ready for what passes for spring.

    Listening to the Scud Mountain Boys version of “Wichita Lineman” and it sums my mood up perfectly.

  32. 32
    Petorado says:

    There seems to be a universal law of overcompensation. The biggest homophobes are the most closeted homosexuals. The most punitive people are also the most likely to have committed the crime. And the most virulent racial supremacists are the least supreme people you’d ever meet.

  33. 33
    1bb3 says:

    Methinks Ex-Mrs.Governor Sanford might need a restraining order. I’ll be surprised if he hasn’t already hit her up for “Ex-Sex”, or a threesome. Yeah, he’s “that guy” enough to be that guy. He’s also too a fookin’ c-word. Sorry folks, but in Mark Sanford’s case it really, most sincerely applies.

  34. 34
    scav says:

    Apparently all this oozing out of the Church is no big deal to at least some of the behatted elite. Par for the course Hey, it’s the “learning curve”. The Church is no more intrinsically corrupt than other institutions, “saints and sinners”, why’s everybody so upset? No need for reform. Non-voting Cardinal Cormac Murphy O’Connor doing his bit to lower expectations of so-called moral authorities to that of random collections of snake-oil purveyors and republicans.

    And there’s a fifth accusing priest from late last year as well. Such a busy schedule of misconduct, so kind of him to keep providing fodder for practicing forgiveness to those other than the laity (who don’t apparently deserve it).

  35. 35
    shortstop says:

    @BGinCHI: That storm is the one to which I referred. I do not want it. Who signed us up for it?

  36. 36
    kc says:

    Jenny’s already filthy rich.

    Mark is only semi-rich.

  37. 37
    shortstop says:

    @Roger Moore: The reports say his antics ranged from drunken fumblings to continued sexual contact. I don’t think we need to make a case for it being as bad as/worse than priests raping children. It stands alone as appalling that the RCC’s UK go-to guy for public queer bashing was a closet case who a) engaged in the ghey secksytimes he deplores and b) likely abused his power to pressure male subordinates into sex.

  38. 38
    Roger Moore says:


    Jenny’s already filthy rich.

    The goal is not to enrich herself, it’s to impoverish her ex and (more importantly) destroy his political career. Yes, it’s incredibly petty, but that’s life.

  39. 39
    JCJ says:


    Well, up here in the Milwaukee ‘burbs i don’t want this storm, either. And being in the Milwaukee area I am so tired of seeing Timothy “the enabler” Dolan treated like some worthwhile human being after what appears to be his role in shielding rapist priests.

  40. 40
    scav says:

    @shortstop: The Hey We don’t follow our own Rules! but Those Rules must be followed to the Death by all non-believers that enter our hospitals and moreover those Same Rules must apply to all society in the name of Reeeeeligious Freeeedumb! gets me every time.

  41. 41
    Villago Delenda Est says:


    And the most virulent racial supremacists are the least supreme people you’d ever meet.

    I see what you did there.

  42. 42
    BGinCHI says:

    @shortstop: Rahm.

  43. 43
    shortstop says:


  44. 44
    shortstop says:

    @scav: Now, now. As my conservative Christian friends are wont to tell me, we’re all sinners, and the fact that someone somewhere fell down is just proof that we all have to keep trying to be better. At no point should we assume bad faith on the part of church leaders who can’t ever seem to stop falling.

  45. 45
    Mike in NC says:

    If Mark Sanford somehow ended up back in Congress (it’s SC, after all), the Villagers would waste no time in talking him up as a potential VP on the ticket with Jeb Bush in 2016.

  46. 46
    shortstop says:

    @JCJ: Tim Dolan is particularly noisome. Every time he appears on my teevee I have a strong urge to slap his smirky face.

  47. 47
    scav says:

    @shortstop: They’ve wrestled the gold for epic falling from Milton’s Lucifer: forgive me FSM for not consulting either of them for lasagne recipes.

  48. 48
    Xantar says:

    @Roger Moore:

    She’d also be doing the world a favor by keeping that creep out of Congress. That’s not so petty to me.

  49. 49
    Ruckus says:

    It’s not that they are falling, it’s the swan dive they took off the top of the mountain they were yelling at us from. You know the one where they are the anointed, all knowing messengers and we are the lowest form of scum on earth.

  50. 50

    From the link, I thought this was of interest:

    The cardinal was forced out only three days before the pope retired last Thursday. There is growing speculation that the Vatican acted swiftly because O’Brien had challenged one of the church’s greatest orthodoxies – saying, in a BBC interview and only two days before the Observer story was published, that priests ought to be allowed to marry and have children.

    Catherine Pepinster, editor of the weekly Catholic newspaper the Tablet, said Benedict and his close aides may have been extremely irritated because O’Brien had promised to renounce his once liberal views on some church teachings when he became a cardinal in 2003.

    On becoming a cardinal the Vatican had made him swear an oath to uphold the teachings of the church, binding him to uphold its orthodox positions. He then took a hardline stance against gay issues and abortions.

    So apparently he was a liberal and forced to go against his core beliefs and become a hard-liner. And then he confesses to sexual misconduct upon getting fired? If ever there was a “fuck you” to the church, this is it.

  51. 51
    MaxxLange says:

    I will pray for God to forgive this man’s victims

  52. 52
    polyorchnid octopunch says:

    I am disappointed in all of you for suggesting that Ms. Sanford would consider tanking her ex-hub’s campaign. I’m sure she would take the job with only the noblest of intentions and bringing her great talents for revealing the truth of her ex-husband’s character to the voters.

    With all the aspersions on her professional conduct above, you’d think none of you want her to get the job… and her not getting the job would be a disservice to the people of South Carolina. Esp. to George Tierney of South Carolina.

  53. 53
    Ted & Hellen says:

    The masses of Roman Catholic laiety, who to this day, in the face of all the horrors now known about that institution, remain in the pews and churches and schools, forking over their hard earned dough, have to be among the most codependent dumbasses on the planet.

  54. 54
    Ted & Hellen says:

    You know, I think it’s a good thing when divorced people rise above petty, cliched acrimony and let go of bitterness.

    I’m guessing Sanford’s wife is feeling happier without him. For all we know she knew something was going on anyway, or they had an open marriage, or whatever. Who cares either way at this point? The marriage is over, time to move on.

    Many of the comments here seem to revel in an antiquated notion of the ex-wife as a bitter harridan whose only remaining interest in life is to make life miserable for her ex husband.

    A lot of you folks are retro-misogynists. Get over it. She has.

  55. 55
    Tonybrown74 says:

    Let me see if I can channel my inner-Peggy Noonan here …

    If one can disregard the coercion, hostile work environment (due to sexual harassment) and rape of children, one could say that catholic priests have a sex life a single guy can be quite envious of …

    Ewww …

  56. 56
    greenergood says:

    When O’Brien was first challenged a few weeks ago he threatened legal action against his accusers – that’s how secure he felt that his Church would protect him, like it’s protected so many other perp-priests. Then he suddenly realised the protection racket wasn’t working in the same way as it had in the 1980s, ’90s etc. so he had to admit his guilt in the mildest terms. He was probably used to his boss Cardinal Ratzinger smoothing the way most of the time. O’Brien has not released any apology for his attempt to criminalise his accusers – he must think he’ll get a slap on the wrist from the Vatican, and a pension – just like his boss.

  57. 57
    Amir Khalid says:

    @polyorchnid octopunch:
    That’s George Tierney, Jr. of Greenville, South Carolina — not to be confused with his father, George Tierney, Sr. of the same town.

  58. 58
    Another Halocene Human says:

    @Woodrowfan: He coerced people he had power over into having sex with him. Some of his victims were very distraught and ended up leaving the priesthood. You’re right that “misconduct” is one of those weaselly labels which makes it sound like all he did was break the rule of his order which could have included activities most secular people would hardly condemn. Reminds me of the dodge that a certain film director didn’t engage in “rape rape”, although the historical record clearly shows otherwise.

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