Who Decided it was Such a Perfect Symbol for Love When it is Only an Organ Pumping Your Blood

Here are two thoughts for Valentine’s Day. For those of you planning a romantic evening:

Remember, folks, fuck before that big romantic V-Day meal because you’re going to be too bloated, too drunk, or too gassy to fuck after. Fuck first, then go to out to dinner. If you feel like fucking again when you get home, Yahtzee.

For those of you who aren’t, here’s a little advice from Kat at Your Monthly Periodical:

This Valentines Day, I propose we cut the commercialism out of our love, like the cancerous mass it is, and celebrate one another the way we truly deserve. Let’s drop the pressures of perfection, to create something infinitely more authentic.
If you are single, make a dinner with your friends, plan a game night, call someone you don’t talk to enough, or just watch reality TV with your mom.[…]

My own thought is that we all die alone, so if you’re alone on Valentine’s Day, treat it the same way as you treat the previews at the movies: a brief glimpse of what’s to come, that isn’t here yet, and which might just be preceding your life’s main feature.






43 replies
  1. 1
    Baud says:

    This Valentines Day, I propose we cut the commercialism out of our love,

    Agreed. Not paying for sex this year.

  2. 2
    NotMax says:

    The best thing about Valentine’s day?

    All the yummies that are 50% off (or more) the day after.

  3. 3
    Robin G. says:

    Take the money you would’ve spent on dinner and blow it at the nearest sex toy shop. ‘Tis the gift that keeps on giving.

  4. 4
    NotMax says:

    Okay, this is just wrong.

  5. 5
    John Weiss says:

    Dink!

    We don’t die alone. Unless no one near loves you.

  6. 6
    Robin G. says:

    @NotMax: So you eat a…

    I know this is a constant rhetorical refrain around here, but, seriously, what is *wrong* with these people?

  7. 7
    Raven says:

    I normally make a special V-Day dinner but my bride has a date with our friend who is fighting brain cancer son none of that this year.

  8. 8
    Linda Featheringill says:

    What a romantic post! Sigh. They just don’t make gentlemen like you anymore, mistermix.

    And yes, WP does have nymnesia today.

  9. 9
    Mark S. says:

    Ah, you’ll always be my valentine, mm. In other news,

    Oscar Pistorius, the South African double amputee “Blade Runner” who inspired the world by competing as a sprinter in the London Olympics, is under police custody Thursday after allegedly shooting and killing his girlfriend, who he may have mistaken for an intruder

    Oh, that wasn’t very romantic either. But at least it proves that only guns keep you and your loved ones safe, just like the NRA tells us.

  10. 10
    Suffern ACE says:

    @Linda Featheringill: “Just once could you just give me the god damned chocolates without your god damned opinions?” – mrsmix

  11. 11
    Ash Can says:

    Making whoopee before dinner makes for a better appetite anyway. Or, you can just do as the pros do, and blow off Valentine’s Day altogether, since on-demand romance is a recipe for disappointment any day of the week. ;)

  12. 12

    @NotMax:

    “I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real” quick and hand it to him.
    — Jack Handey

  13. 13
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @Mark S.: I know the TV news is always the model of accuracy, but what I heard is that she was shot four times. At what point in pulling the trigger repeatedly does one say to oneself “this may not be who I thought”?

  14. 14
  15. 15
    Mark S. says:

    @Gin & Tonic:

    It sounds very fucking fishy to me.

  16. 16
    jibeaux says:

    @Gin & Tonic: Supposedly he lived in a place with a 3 meter high electrified fence, too. I don’t think I’d jump to “home intruder” either….

  17. 17
    Suffern ACE says:

    @NotMax: I’m thinking that if Cupid gets to walk around slinging arrows willynilly…

  18. 18
    Linda Featheringill says:

    @Suffern ACE: #10

    :-)

    Poor Mrs. Mix.

  19. 19
    magurakurin says:

    Being alone on Valentines is practice for dying alone? Dude, smoke a doobie or somethin’. That’s way too much reflection on something as numbingly insignificant as Valentine’s Day.

    Oh and Scott Brown just took a job as a Fox News Contributor. I wonder if he will eat lunch with Dennis K. in the cafeteria?

  20. 20
    Todd says:

    Yer a romantic, Mix. This is almost as good as printing up a domestic violence docket.

  21. 21
    weaselone says:

    @jibeaux:

    You would if you were the type of person who felt they needed a 3-meter high electric fence.

  22. 22
    waratah says:

    Definitely skip the dinner. Sex champagne and chocolate.

  23. 23
    handsmile says:

    @Mark S.: , et al

    From the latest Guardian article on the Pistorius shooting:

    “The police spokeswoman Denise Beukes said earlier reports that the suspect had been surprised by his girlfriend and had thought she was an intruder did not come from police.

    She said there had been reports from neighbours of shouting and screaming coming from the house earlier in the evening. She said police had been called to the house on previous occasions after reports of “a domestic nature”.

    http://www.guardian.co.uk/spor.....-shot-dead

    BBC American also reported that South African police confirmed that there were no signs of forced entry at the Pistorius home.

  24. 24
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    Why did I know that advice was from Dan Savage even before I hovered over the link?

  25. 25
    J.W. Hamner says:

    Well, we didn’t get each other anything… but we are in Costa Rica on vacation… so I guess it’s a wash. I see the commercialism and “you shouldn’t need a special day to buy your sig other flowers”… but I know I don’t take my wife to fancy dinners or buy her flowers as much as I should, so I don’t mind the reminder.

  26. 26
    mistermix says:

    @Suffern ACE: My wife LOL’d at that, and agreed.

  27. 27
    Amir Khalid says:

    It is the second anniversary of the bestest comment I ever wrote here at Balloon Juice.

    @NotMax:
    Better chocolate guns and chocolate ammo than any other kind, I sez.

  28. 28
    Ash Can says:

    @J.W. Hamner:

    I know I don’t take my wife to fancy dinners or buy her flowers as much as I should, so I don’t mind the reminder.

    Now that’s the way Valentine’s Day should be! Have a happy one!

  29. 29
    MikeJ says:

    @Amir Khalid: I have a story similar to yours, but in mine my friend and I are dating sisters and stop in a drug store to buy condoms.

  30. 30
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    @Amir Khalid: Cool story, bro.

  31. 31
    LGRooney says:

    an Organ Pumping Your Blood

    That reminds of a book I read years ago by a doctor called “How We Die.” Essentially, he boiled it down to one thing: the heart stops.” That’s the essence of everything. The ancients got some things right.

  32. 32
    keestadoll says:

    I plan on creating my own valentine for my husband. It will have a picture of a human liver on it.

    It’s this (greeting card) holiday that reminds us to be appreciative of our mate’s unique sense of humor. It’s a day of giggling after all.

  33. 33
    The Red Pen says:

    Fuck Valentine.

    1) It’s not clear he existed (they’re pretty sure, but there aren’t really any records).

    2) It’s not clear he did anything noteworthy. A lot of early Christians — many named Valentine — were executed for being Christians. That’s it.

    3) He had nothing to do with chocolate and flowers or any of that crap.

    The Roman Catholic liturgical calendar marks this as the feast say of Cyril and Methodius. These brothers are saints for their work in translating the Bible to various local languages, many of which did not have a writing system in place. So, they invented some writing systems by borrowing characters from existing ones.

    If you’ve ever wondered why the Russian alphabet contains mostly Greek letters and is called “Cyrillic,” now you know.

  34. 34
    hungrycaterpillar says:

    Here’s an interesting article about the possible ancient origin of the “heart” shape and it’s association with romantic love… Definitely puts a new light on contemporary issues, as well.

  35. 35
    The Red Pen says:

    @NotMax:

    Okay, this is just wrong.

    Nice!

    I just had a complete breakfast featuring handgun-shaped eggs (on which I like ketchup from my ketchup gun) and some coffee in my handgun coffee mug.

    But what to have for dessert?! Problem solved!

  36. 36
    The Red Pen says:

    @Baud:

    Agreed. Not paying for sex this year.

    You don’t pay a prostitute for sex. You can get that for free.

    You pay him or her to leave afterwards.

  37. 37
    Elizabelle says:

    @Amir Khalid: That’s hilarious.

  38. 38
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @The Red Pen: Pedant alert. The Cyrillic alphabet is used by languages other than Russian as well.

  39. 39
    Mararama says:

    I was at the Kroger yesterday, doing the weekly shopping (senior discount – yahoo!) The place looked like a Valentine clown car had exploded. Hundreds of inflated balloons. Flowers everywhere. Baked goods, chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. Special checkout stations just for your floral purchases. And candy of all kinds, of course.

    They were already quite busy with customers, and I can only imagine what it looks like today. And you know, that doesn’t bother me. I’m free to partake or ignore it as I wish. It’s how I wish we’d celebrate Christmas – a couple days of insanity, and then it’s gone. Everyone does their own thing, and done. And as NotMax remarked, the more practical among us can create our own little weekend fantasies when the stuff goes on clearance.

    Happy V-Day to all, and to all a good night

  40. 40
    Jennifer says:

    Once upon a time, when I was young and foolish and convinced that I, too, wanted to be part of a couple as it seemed everyone else in the world was, being single on Valentine’s Day bothered me. I used to say that Valentine’s Day only existed for the purpose of finishing off those who were lonely and depressed, who had somehow managed to make it through the family holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas) and the other forced-merriment holiday, also heavy on the couples (New Year’s Eve) and through the darkest, coldest, most depressing part of the year on their own…then comes Valentine’s Day, just a final nudge towards the edge of the cliff, just in case you might otherwise pull through a few more weeks and make it to spring, a more cheerful season.

    These days, I wouldn’t even remember VD at all if not for retailers trying to make a buck off it. I no longer think of it as a final test of “how much do you REALLY want to go on living?” for the single because I don’t really think about it at all.

    So for those of you who find yourselves part of a happy couple, good for you…for those of us who have realized that “happy” and “couple” are two words that don’t go together in our lives…good for us. Maybe Valentine’s Day should be dual-purpose – a way for the couples to pat themselves on the back for being couples, while the happily single get to pat ourselves on the back for having the gift of self-knowledge that tells us that being single is our own best path to happiness in life.

    Whatever the case, I’ll sign off with my traditional holiday greeting – happy VD to all of you.

  41. 41
    Mnemosyne says:

    I was single for so long that my Valentine’s Day has reverted back to grade school. I usually buy my co-workers those little kid valentines (Mad Libs were a big hit one year) but this year I decided to go with little bottles of bubbles for everyone. (Two for my boss who has three-year-old twins so each of the boys can have one.)

    Couple-wise, we decided years ago that we’d rather have a nice brunch than dinner for V-Day, so we do it before or after the holiday. I think only once has V-Day actually fallen on a Saturday or Sunday. I do have a bit of a dilemma, though — I have an invitation to go to Disneyland on Sunday and hang out with my best friend’s sister, who I haven’t seen in about 10 years. So I’m very torn.

  42. 42
    Schlemizel says:

    @Amir Khalid:

    Thats both funny and sad!

  43. 43
    Li says:

    Other than the plague of commercialism on love, I can’t support anything you have said here. It makes you look bitter and lonely, and will no doubt come back to embarrass you if you every find your heart doing anything other than pumping blood.

    I would recommend deleting this post should that day ever come.

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