Asshole Cat Is An Asshole

Tunch is really enjoying the new cat tower I spent a hundred bucks on:


One of the biggest bits of evidence against evolution is that cats don’t have middle fingers.

106 replies
  1. 1
    cathyx says:

    Spray the top with catnip.

  2. 2
    cathyx says:

    Maybe he wants you to play on it with him.

  3. 3
    scav says:

    Irrelevant. Lack of evolutionary pressure. Clearly that cat doesn’t need a middle finger to make his point.

  4. 4
    Mike G says:

    The law of cat accessories — the more you spent on it, the less they give a shit.

  5. 5
    Eric U. says:

    I invented a game called “guess which finger.” I see that Tunch knows how to play

  6. 6
    The Dangerman says:

    Have you tried lifting him to his food dish (may require block and tackle, which only seems name appropriate)?

  7. 7
    jibeaux says:

    Went to the Goathouse Refuge written up in the nyt a few weeks back. Rt here were a crap load of cats. I think at that level they could definitely be a murder of cats. There was a gorgeous hardwood play tower that had probasblky been donated, as it looked a good deal fancier than the repurposed plastic drums and baskets and boxes that were everywhere. No, there were no cats on it. I’m not a cat person, but don’t they prefer the carpety surfaces to the slick ones?

  8. 8
    Poopyman says:

    Cats don’t need middle fingers when it’s clear that it would be displayed 24/7.

  9. 9
    West of the Cascades says:

    I bought one of these for my cat five years ago, only to learn that she still preferred to climb onto the coffee table, jump onto the couch, to the top of the book case, and then onto the window sill (the cat tower would have made it four easy, carpeted jumps). Back to the store went the cat tower ….

  10. 10
    johio says:

    Patience, John. He’s yanking your chain to see how long you can last before you give him a lift to the top level. To speed the processs, put the tree in front of a window.

  11. 11
    Anne Laurie says:

    He’s sitting on it, Cole. Waddaya want, a good-conduct medal?

    Move his food bowl — or his favorite catnip toy — to an intermediate shelf, and give him time. Cats, like small children, are strict conservatives when it comes to the daily routine.

    P.S. Odds on Rosie getting to the top level before Tunch does?

  12. 12
    jl says:

    I thought the idea was to put food up there. Did Cole add the food on the top floor?

    Or is Tunch starving himself in protest of Cole’s newfangled gimmick? That is hard to believe.

    Well, whatever, Rosie will probably love it.

  13. 13
    gogol's wife says:

    @Mike G: ‘

    That’s been my experience. I was afraid this would happen.

  14. 14
    RSA says:

    Putting stuff that Tunch values on the top tier is a good idea, but a better idea, given my experience with cats, is to put something there that you value. Ideally, it should be quickly and easily destroyable with the application of sharp claws.

  15. 15
    jl says:

    @Anne Laurie: I have money on Rosie first, unless Cole puts cat food up there.

    I guess Tunch was supposed to fall in love with the damn thing at first sight, cat food on top of it or not, otherwise Cole would get his feelings all hurt to smithereens.

    Edit: I thought the whole idea was to put food up on top so poor fat old 60 cat years something Tunch wouldn’t have to jump all the way up to the counter from the floor.

    Second edit: Look at this way, Cole, the thing will make an interesting conversation piece at parties. Until a starving Tunch eats his owner in the middle of the night.

  16. 16
    danah gaz says:

    /points finger
    Hahahahahahahahaha **gasp** **catches breath*** hahahahahahahahahaha!1eleventy

  17. 17
    John O says:

    He’ll get into it after he gets used to it. Cats hate their environments moved.

  18. 18
    Comrade Mary says:

    John, that is a picture of a very happy cat, sitting all comfy and meatloafish on the bottom of the assembly.

    Put it by the window, put interesting things on the first level, then the second level shelves, and he’ll find his way up.

  19. 19
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @RSA: Cole’s wallet would work. Wait, didn’t that already happen?

  20. 20
    The Dangerman says:


    …and easily destroyable with the application of sharp claws.

    Or “accidental” push over the edge.


  21. 21
    PurpleGirl says:

    @jibeaux: Yes, they much prefer carpeted surfaces. They can sink their claws into carpet and soft surfaces and climbing is easier.

    For example, see the various pieces of furniture that the cat foster parent has for the critters in the live stream:

    It’s possible that the kittehs are sleeping but they climb and jump all over the various things.

  22. 22
    muddy says:

    He would probably like it better if it were a dark color to set off his hair. Shedded hair especially.

  23. 23
    ruemara says:

    Food on every shelf. A small bowl on step one, show him and then let him try to get it.

  24. 24
    Josie says:

    Have patience,John. Cats need time to get used to new things. Give it a year or two.

  25. 25
    Forum Transmitted Disease says:

    The only toy a cat needs is a laser pointer, and some of them won’t even give a shit about those.

  26. 26
    kc says:


    Cats prefer whichever surface you don’t have.

  27. 27
    FlipYrWhig says:

    @PurpleGirl: My last cat always liked a smooth surface, though. When she was little she went crazy for the dustpan. At the vet she always walked off their little blankets and fleeces and flopped down on the stainless steel. ‘Twas nigh unpredictable.

  28. 28
    Hypatia's Momma says:

    You have to keep in mind that cats are tiny little Republicans: They are opposed to any and all change until it turns out to be in their favour, in which case it was their idea all along.

    Put snacks or food or catnip on the various levels, wait one week, and he’ll be telling everyone how he had to badger you into buying it for him.

  29. 29
    Nick says:

    For the past few days, when I try to access Balloon Juice, the Feb. 7 post keeps coming up on top, even if I use the “Home” link, or click on the title banner. Any ideas what that is about?

  30. 30
    wasabi gasp says:

    A little ground floor whosiswhats.

  31. 31
    dance around in your bones says:

    Tunch be too floofy to navigate the tall thing.

    Must study it for a while, decide if it’s worth the effort. Meanwhile, that’s one heck of a grumpy expression.

    Be afraid, be very afraid.

  32. 32
    LT says:

    Lucky that cat doesn’t have drones!

  33. 33
    Ted & Hellen says:

    The most awesome part of this photograph is Jerry Garcia giving you the evil eye in the background. Maybe he is giving you the finger too.

    Where did you get such an amazing and delightful work of art? Who made it, and where can I obtain one of my own.

  34. 34
    peej says:

    He’s just anchoring it to the floor so it doesn’t fall over.

  35. 35
    Warren Terra says:

    Geez, Cole, get a better phone (or a better camera). That shot’s so fuzzy it looks like Rosie has been licking the lens.

  36. 36
    JCT says:

    Whoa, now that is a broygus cat! Yikes.

    Our 3 prefer to sit in our dish drainer (they fight over it) instead of their cat tree.

  37. 37
    Rosie Outlook says:

    Look on the bright side, John. With that stabilizing weight on the bottom, the thing will never fall over.

  38. 38
    amk says:

    cole’s personal troll. Go tunch.

  39. 39
    Warren Terra says:


    For the past few days, when I try to access Balloon Juice, the Feb. 7 post keeps coming up on top, even if I use the “Home” link, or click on the title banner. Any ideas what that is about?

    There used to be a problem that “” would display the current page, and “” would display the page as seen at some recent point, perhaps a couple of days previously (with some page elements perhaps filled in with up-to-date data, such as comment numbers, Recent Comments, etcetera). I can’t replicate the effect with my browser, but some version of this may still be the case.

  40. 40
    maya says:

    Why didn’t you spring for the Taj Mahal model, Cole? He’d like it better.

  41. 41
    BillinGlendaleCa says:

    @Warren Terra: I think I’ve figured out why Cole’s pictures turn out so bad. He’s using Ed Powers surplus cameras.

  42. 42
    raven says:

    Bohdi has a big basket of toys. He never touches anything but tennis balls until our friends bring their pup over.

  43. 43
    gbear says:

    At least it won’t fall over with Tunch sitting on the base.

    My cat’s favorite toy is medium sized roundish pine cones. She can run after them when you kick them around, and she can rub her face on them when they’re not moving.

  44. 44
    Steeplejack says:


    They’re active now!

  45. 45
    Yutsano says:

    @amk: Cat is being cat. In other news, water is still wet. Sun still rises in the east.

  46. 46
    leeleeFL says:

    I once had a cat with thumbs! He was born near a defunct nuclear power plant. He used his giift to ear pieces of melon like an apple. True story!

  47. 47
    Gin & Tonic says:

    @Warren Terra: All his pictures suck like this. Remember the bathroom project? He needs Tim F. to come over.

  48. 48
    amk says:

    @Yutsano: Tell that to cole.

  49. 49
    Yutsano says:

    @amk: JC doesn’t read his own blog. I thought we all knew that.

  50. 50
    gravie says:

    Yeah, I’ve bought my cat snuggly cat beds, nice fleece blankets, kitty hidey-holes — you name it. What has he finally decided he likes? The insulated Ikea bag that I carelessly dropped on the floor outside the kitchen after unloading groceries. Now I can’t pick the darned thing up because it’s His Spot.

  51. 51
    taylormattd says:


    Also, hold the fuck still when you take a picture.

  52. 52
    MomSense says:

    Silly Cole, cats don’t need a middle finger to say fuck you! Tunch is doing a fine job of it in that photo!

  53. 53
    gbear says:

    You got off cheap at $100. The perch I bought for my cat is half that height and cost me $150 (double that if it has to be shipped). It’s built like a tank though. I’m over 275 pounds and I can sit with my full weight on the lower platform to pet my cat when she’s on top. A perch with almost as many platforms as the perch you have costs over $600 with shipping.

  54. 54
    amk says:

    @Yutsano: True. He is a hit n run troll in his own blog.

  55. 55
    Joshua Norton says:

    What Tunch is actually thinking:

    “Hey, fat boy, how’s about lifting me up fer cripes sakes, you’re arm ain’t broken”.

  56. 56
    Yutsano says:

    @Joshua Norton:

    “Hey, fat boy, how’s about lifting me up fer cripes sakes, you’re arm ain’t broken yet”.

    Fixteth for moar Tunchiness.

  57. 57
    srv says:

    I knew this would be a disaster. All I could think of was Towering Inferno.

    I was thinking an elevator might help, but I don’t know where you’d find a freight elevator.

  58. 58
    Linda says:

    I still say he’s got a touch of arthitis–that’s why he was letting out a little yip when he jumped.

  59. 59
    BettyPageisaBlonde says:

    After a day full of fail, this was just the thing to get a genuine gut laugh out of me. I love cats and their total “Fuck you, dude, I’ll do what I want” attitude.

    Tunch is a national treasure. Just like Morgan Freeman. If Morgan Freeman was a cat.

  60. 60
    White Trash Liberal says:

    Put a roll of toilet paper on the top tier.

  61. 61
    Suzanne says:

    Are you sure he can even get up there?

    Just return it. He doesn’t need it to escape from the dogs. Tunchie can kick their asses, Methinks. Even Rosie’s.

  62. 62
    srv says:

    Hey John, can I post this on reddit?

  63. 63
    Ash Can says:

    Tunch is just being a KITTY and that starts with a K and that stands for KISS MY ASS.

  64. 64
    Ash Can says:

    PS: I sprained my rib cage laughing at this thread. But it was worth it.

  65. 65
    Mnemosyne says:

    Dude, he’s sitting on it! What more did you expect after two days?

    Our late cat Natasha loved her tower so much that she died in it. No, seriously — the cancer had gotten into her lungs and she hadn’t had the strength to jump into the tower for several weeks, but when G found her body, it was on the third shelf of the tower. She knew her time had arrived and she wanted to be in the place she loved most, damn it!

  66. 66
    Mnemosyne says:


    At the moment, one of the kittens is inside a bowl that’s inside an Amazon box.

  67. 67
    missilebag says:

    That’s not Coles pad, it has contemporary furniture and such.

  68. 68
    horatius says:

    You thinks you is boss? lolcat larfs.

  69. 69
    Maude says:

    I’m taking bets on when we see the picture of Tunch on top of this thing. I say within a week.

    @Ash Can:
    It does brighten the day when we have posts like this.
    It’s worth the very shallow breaths.

  70. 70
    JCJ says:

    I think I got the link here a while ago, but this seems to fit the theme…

  71. 71
    Gravenstone says:

    Spares you the effort of putting the free weights on the base now, doesn’t it?

  72. 72
    Hypatia's Momma says:

    I love Ash for being a fluffy fat little brat but Newt is a darling sweetie-face.

  73. 73
    Citizen_X says:

    @Ted & Hellen:

    Where did you get such an amazing and delightful work of art?

    You’re being too nice. I may have my issues with you, and I’m no fan of the Dead, but still: he’s got your artwork sitting on the fucking floor. HEY COLE, IT’S COMMISSIONED, ORIGINAL ART. HANG IT ON THE GODDAM WALL.

  74. 74
    khead says:

    @Ash Can:

    Yeah, it’s been pretty good. After discovering this thing via BJ, my wife is convinced that OUR cats will love it. Even after seeing this pic. I see a future as a clothes hanging device….then the cats might be interested.

  75. 75
    Tom S says:

    Hope you still have the box it came in. He’ll probably enjoy that more. Either that, or he’ll use the tower when you are not around.

  76. 76
    WereBear says:

    Young cats will be more open to change than old cats. When we got Tristan his cat tree, he took to it right away. The older cats were more like, “Okay, convince me.”

    Helping our cats love their new cat tree

  77. 77
    danielx says:

    One of the biggest bits of evidence against evolution is that cats don’t have middle fingers.

    They don’t need them, they have the whole “fuck you and the horse you rode in on” message delivery system down just fine, thankyewverymuch.

  78. 78
    Linda says:

    I got a self-heating bed for my arthritic old cat, but he turned up his nose. The cat that uses it is my heat-seeking kitty, who usually snuggles up at night until he burrows under my flesh.

  79. 79
    BC says:

    @Nick: I had that solved it by hitting reload (f5) on my pc

  80. 80
    Mark S. says:

    That’s why I’ve never sprung for the $100-200 cat jungle gym. I’m always afraid it will just be sitting in my living room making me seethe because my cats won’t use it.

  81. 81
    max says:

    Stick him on the very highest level. Either he’ll come down on his own and be OK with it, or he’ll stay up there starving until he loses so much weight that he can get up and down easily.

    [‘C’mon man, do you think the cat trusts you? Of course not.’]

  82. 82
    Dead Ernest says:

    As John Cleese said to the class; “what about a Kiss boy? What’s wrong with starting with a nice kiss?”
    It’s foreplay Cole, you know, a gentle, delicate beginning, gradually developing into a …nevermind.

  83. 83
    Mnemosyne says:


    I would say … it depends. Our cats use the cat beds that we bought for them, though it’s partly to compete with the other cats (“Nyah nyah! I got the bed first! Loser!”)

    They even use the one I knitted for them. (Knitted the cover, that is — the inside is a piece of foam that I bought. Pattern from Last-Minute Knitted Gifts.)

  84. 84
    YellowJournalism says:

    Put any clothing you plan on wearing to an important meeting or event on top of it.

  85. 85
    Ken J. says:

    This is as good a place as any to mention that I love the Tunch “FEED” totebag which my wife got for me.

    Nobody else gets the visual humor, though.

    Who created the artwork?

  86. 86
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Ken J.: Evelyn deHais — she’s even in the blogroll, which is how I could answer so quickly :).

  87. 87
    Anne Laurie says:


    I once had a cat with thumbs! He was born near a defunct nuclear power plant. He used his giift to ear pieces of melon like an apple. True story!

    Testify. One of our childhood cats used his thumbs to eat spaghetti — he’d pull out a strand, hold it over his head, and slurp it down.

    Apart from his digital dexterity, alas, George was one of the dumbest cats ever. We used to joke that he & his litter sister had two functional cat brains between them, but Dolly had at least 75% of the combined mental acuity.

  88. 88
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Mnemosyne: That bowl is the larger bowl or Super Bowl. Yes, they like to sit in the bowl. One kitteh will often chase another out of the bowl so they get in the bowl. The live stream is addictive.

    (I fell asleep in the recliner and just woke up.)

    Your cat pillow is very nice.

  89. 89
    Mnemosyne says:


    At first, no one would lay on it and I was getting very annoyed. Then G said, “You need to put something on top of it so Keaton knows it’s for them to lay on.” So I put a small toy on top of it and, sure enough, Keaton immediately went and lay down on it.

    Why, I don’t know, but apparently that was the signal Keaton had been waiting for.

  90. 90

    TUUUUUUUUUNCHIE! I don’t know what’s your problem, Cole. He’s LOVING his new pad!

    @Yutsano: Thanks for the poke, Yutsy!

  91. 91
    Gwangung says:

    @Citizen_X: Agreed!

    Treat the mans work with respect, Cole!

  92. 92
    damned at random says:

    I buy those used. The smell of another cat is irresistable

  93. 93
    FlipYrWhig says:

    @Gwangung: If Tunch tips over the tree and breaks it, you could probably salvage the wood and canvas from that thing to make a new level.

  94. 94
    JW says:

    100 bucks? No wonder Tunch is dismissive. An adequate cat tree should cost at LEAST 300 bucks and be hand made from weathered wood found on a remote beach. Stupid human.

  95. 95
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Ted & Hellen:
    Maybe John Cole has figured out where that wonderful piece of original commissioned art really belongs.

  96. 96
    SFAW says:

    “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Tunchulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”

    I’m sorry, but with that baleful stare of his (yes, I’m anthropomorphizing, what of it?), that was the first or second thing that popped into what remains of my braims.

  97. 97
    dmbeaster says:

    If you put your computer on the cat tower, its a guarantee he’ll walk all over it.

  98. 98
    brantl says:

    One of the biggest bits of evidence against evolution is that cats don’t have middle fingers.

    It’s called a tail, they always show it when they spray your furniture.

  99. 99
    debbie says:


    Seriously, read this and be very afraid:

  100. 100
    HeartlandLiberal says:

    Be patient. He will discover and use the upper stories.

    We just spent $80 on a large premium cat watering station, with pump to provide a stream of flowing water into the large bowl at the front base.

    We did this because both our cats had learned to drink from the faucet in the big whirlpool bathtub, and we got tired of satisfying their demands we turn the water on for them, then wait while they took their time drinking. I also got tired of waking up to visit the bathroom at 2:00 am and discovering we had forgotten to turn the water off the night before from the last watering session.

    So naturally the cats ignored the new fountain completely.

    We turned off pump in the new water bowl. We covered the faucets on the tub with towels, and ignored their demands that we remove them. We removed other sources of water, including closing all toilet lids. Within a couple days, they accepted the new water bowl and were drinking from it without the flowing water.

    Next step later this week is to turn the water flow on intermittently. At this point, they should realize, hey, this is legit, I can drink from this just like I used to in the tub.

    They will then of course demonstrate their complete and total gratitude to us for going to all this trouble.


    Try putting Tunch’s food on the top of the platform. Show him it is there, and tell him if he is hungry, he can climb up there and eat it.

    Please respond with pictures of his response to you.

  101. 101
    Nick says:


    Thanks BC. I’ll try that when I get home. It’s the darnedest thing.

  102. 102
    nkb says:

    my grotesquely fat cat has just given up on everything altogether. I’d attach a picture if I could.

  103. 103
    Bokonon says:

    Our cat doesn’t sleep in her fleece catbed. Several years ago, she adopted an old nylon backpack – complete with straps and hard plastic buckles – as her favorite thing to sleep on. That’s now her cat bed. It doesn’t look comfortable at all, but go figure.

    Tunch probably LIKES the tower (he is sitting WITH it), but he probably doesn’t want to climb all those levels unless he really has to.

  104. 104
    Bulworth says:

    That sure is a sweet cathouse. You got lots of levels for $100.

  105. 105
    MosesZD says:

    Two things:

    One: Cat’s do have a middle finger. Their thumb is just further back than you expect.

    Two: Cat’s say F-U with their expressions and behaviors. Flipping the bird is for juvenile girls to use against Judges…

  106. 106
    Starlit says:

    It is also important to sit under things.

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