I Just Saw the Saddest Thing Ever

I just watched this really weird documentary on one of the premium channels called Sexy Baby. Basically, it was a documentary on a former porn star who wanted to get pregnant, the emerging sexuality of some 12 year old in NY as she aged from 12-14, but the weirdest thing was this beautiful 20-something teacher in North Carolina who decided her vagina was not attractive enough and opted for surgery to make her component parts “prettier.” How low must your self confidence be that you worry about the attractiveness of your va-jay-jay? I felt like I was watching a bizarro sketch on Conan O’Brien.

Maybe it is just me, but I have never once rated a vagina on attractiveness. Willing is my only criteria. But we have a very fucked up culture where women feel the need to have surgery because they think their private parts aren’t pretty enough. Just sick. I think I speak for 99.99% of all men that your shit is attractive as long as you are willing, so stop fucking doing crazy shit like this. It would never occur to me to have surgery to make my penis prettier.

And this may be the weirdest post I have ever written.

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143 replies
  1. 1
    jurassicpork says:

    The genitalia of both genders has not kept pace with the rest of the human body in the direction of beauty.

  2. 2
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    Yeah, so I’m suddenly in Mexico again. Without my luggage. And I just gave all of my pesos to a mad cabbie who took me to the wrong hotel.
    Things were going fine until around noon when the boss said “got your passport?”

  3. 3
    AnonPhenom says:

    I love mankind, but people are fucked up.

  4. 4
    dmbeaster says:

    This is a weird phenomena related to porn becoming so ubiquitos as a standard for sexuality. And I think in some cultures have had some conception of ideal labia shapes.

  5. 5
    Michael G says:

    > It would never occur to me to have surgery to make my penis prettier.

    Are we going to have to have the circumcision discussion now?

  6. 6
    Comrade Mary says:

    I can see a subset of women choosing labioplasty for purely functional reasons, but even those describing how their labia cause actual pain and aggravation also seem motivated by a sense of shame and inferiority.

  7. 7
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    It’s a TV thing. They just look for the freakiest stuff and present it because they know you’ll watch it. Humanity is mostly wonderful, but you’d never know that from television programming.

    Why am I modded? I’m stuck in the wrong hotel in Mexico suddenly.

  8. 8
    Wapiti says:

    This post made me immediately think of the Garfunkel and Oates graphic descriptions of female gear in their song “The College Try”.

    Yeah, that part might not be “pretty”, but it’s pretty amazing at doing what it does.

  9. 9
    Comrade Mary says:

    Also this (NSFW), found via related videos for this (NSFW, I guess).

  10. 10
  11. 11
    Roger Moore says:

    I’m willing to bet that the ratio of men to women who have had unnecessary surgery on their junk is at least 10:1. It’s just that it’s usually their parents who inflict it on them when they’re newborns, and it’s so ubiquitous that most people don’t think about it that way.

  12. 12
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist:

    Why am I modded? I’m stuck in the wrong hotel in Mexico suddenly.

    Not intended to be metaphorical. Puebla Holiday Inn Express. I’m supposed to be at the H.I. Finsa.

    And as for the apearance of our na-nas and our boo-boos, why do you think they call it ‘junk’? Because it’s pretty?

  13. 13
    Softail says:

    And then there’s the people who buy and use anal bleach. WTF?

  14. 14
    eemom says:

    this may be the weirdest post I have ever written.

    Thank the VaJayJay Goddess you didn’t let that stop you.

    Though I’m guessing your PaPeePee’s weeping in despair at how he’s ever gonna get into one again after this dumb shit.

  15. 15
    Kyle says:

    It’s all about functionality, not appearance.
    There’s a reason they call it “bumping uglies”.

  16. 16
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    What would the prettification process entail? Fluorescent colors? A tiny little cocktail dress? Googly eyes?

    (Yes, I’m immature.)

  17. 17
    jl says:

    ” It would never occur to me to have surgery to make my penis prettier. ”

    Prettier man junk? That sounds like a lost cause right from the get go.

    But the number of men who resort to desperate measures to shape up their junk must dwarf the number of women.

    Good thing about both sets, is that when they are doing their work, they are mostly out of sight. So, why bother?

  18. 18
    Hill Dweller says:

    @Spaghetti Lee: A bedazzler will definitely be involved.

  19. 19
    MikeJ says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist:

    Things were going fine until around noon when the boss said “got your passport?”

    I flew my gf over to London after I had been there a month, and the day she got there I got email wanting me in Eindhoven the next day. It was nearly a bridge too far, but they did pay for her to come along.

  20. 20
    jl says:

    BTW, I’m not sure what Cole was looking at when he saw the saddest thing ever. At first I thought it was this show, but then looks like his attention wandered to something else.

    Perhaps Cole could clarify in an update.

  21. 21
    Genine says:

    Yeah. I can see this thread going in a good direction.

  22. 22
    dance around in your bones says:

    Genitals are comical.

    :What’s that smells like fish? by Blind Boy Fuller

    Please Warm My Weiner by Bo Carter

    Genitals are funny.

  23. 23
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    @MikeJ:

    I got home to Detroit from raleigh-Durham at 10:00 last night and now I’m within spitting distance of the Yucatan.
    I’ve been on 7 planes in 84 hours. My average speed for this work week is over 120 MPH. The TSA drill is just another mild obstacle, like a red light.
    I have no suitcase or local currency. But I’ll be fine.
    My junk will be fine.

  24. 24
    Lolis says:

    If you’re spending all your time staring at a vagina, I think that means you are doing it wrong.

  25. 25
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    I recently read a scientific article* that said that s*x*@l arousal causes women to suppress distaste reflexes. I’m stating that badly. Stuff that should gross them out doesn’t when they’re h0rny. Seriously. Science.

    *no, really

  26. 26
    General Stuck says:

    Maybe it is just me, but I have never once rated a vagina on attractiveness. Willing is my only criteria.

    What does a willing vagina look like? What does it do? wink? loll about? put up a vacancy sign? I coulda swore one winked at me one time.

  27. 27
    Punchy says:

    A 20-year old with such hoo-ha hijinx? Im guessin she musta had something pretty major to get her beaver stuffed.

  28. 28
  29. 29
    Dee Loralei says:

    I’m about to go see The Hobbit with my son! Yes I am too old to stay up this late for a midnight movie, why do you ask?

  30. 30
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    The BBC did this a while back: The Perfect Vag1na.

  31. 31
    srv says:

    I don’t care as long as they’re wearing high heels.

  32. 32
  33. 33
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist:

    For some men, that’s their only chance.

    OK fine, I mean it’s my only chance.

  34. 34
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    If someone’s going to spend money on cosmetic surgery I think they’d get more benefit from it on parts of the body that are ordinarily visible. Getting your hoo-haa worked on is like renovating the root cellar. Maybe a new front door would have been more practical.

    ETA: I think ‘root cellar’ is now my favorite euphamism for the ladybits.

  35. 35
    jl says:

    @General Stuck:

    ” What does a willing vagina look like? What does it do?

    That a serious question, Stuck? What does a willing vajayjay do? We need to have a little man to man talk sometime, son.

  36. 36
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist:

    Getting your hoo-haa worked on is like renovating the root cellar. Maybe a new front door would have been more practical.

    I thought that was the front door.

  37. 37
    srv says:

    John, since you were an insider back in your radio days, I’ll submit a new discovery:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mSfwGKFGKs

    Some kids in Flower Mound, TX. I’ll predict the lead guitarist will make it big time. The drummer may make it through philosophy school.

  38. 38
    Narcissus says:

    I am pro-anal bleach

    presentation is very important

    Also the only genitalia I have trouble with are uncircumcised dicks

    They just look weird

    Like, “Dude, your penis looks like it has pink eye”

    But I get over it

  39. 39
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    Ahh, she opted for a “Designer Vagina”…lol! I think the original design is just fine, thank you very much.

    Especially to those of you who let me get my hands on them!

  40. 40
    jharp says:

    @Michael G:

    Without question circumcision is about making penises more appealing.

    And for those interested the meteor showers are pretty awesome tonight. They say about 80 an hour and I think they are right. Saw lots of them.

    And you still have plenty of time. The rest of the night.

    I’m close to city lights, Indianapolis, and they were still easy to see.

  41. 41
    MoeLarryAndJesus says:

    It would never occur to me to have surgery to make my penis prettier.

    How about adding Steelers colors to the Cole Pole?

    I’ll bet you’d consider that when you’re drunk enough.

  42. 42
    dance around in your bones says:

    “My Pencil Won’t Write No More” Bo Carter

    (Obv. before Erectile Dys Meds Haha)

    “Sweet Honey Hole” Blind Boy Fuller

    “Need a Little Sugar In My Bowl” Bessie Smith

  43. 43
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    From my perspective, the problem isn’t that some people have problems with s*x*ality or their bodies, but that TV thinks this is entertainment. Totally gratuitous pandering to get you to keep watching. TV is not representative of humanity. It’s a freakshow that sells soap for 19 minutes out of every hour.

  44. 44
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    @Narcissus: Most awkward conversation ever (with an ex):

    Me: No, you’re not circumcised. Ok you may be a little circumcised, but trust me you’re not fully circumcised. I don’t care what your mom told you. I know a circumcised tiddle when I see one.

    Made more awkward because it was at the pub in front of many of his friends. He was trying to make some sort of point, I forget what. His friends were all kinda jerks. Part of why we broke up (jerks not circumcision or lack thereof)

  45. 45
    MikeJ says:

    @TheMightyTrowel: Is that what they call a “mock turtleneck”?

  46. 46
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Yeah, no kidding, this is probably the oddest random JCole post I’ve seen grace this blog over the past few years.

    I’ll gladly stay out of this conversation but use it as an excuse to post Google’s 2012 Zeitgeist again, just because it’s that awesome.

  47. 47
    JenJen says:

    I’d have to go back a few years, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t the weirdest post you’ve ever written.

    Totes Top Five, though!

  48. 48
    MattR says:

    Dave Chapelle wants to botox his balls.

  49. 49
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    @MikeJ: got it in one.

  50. 50
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    Frankly, of all the women I’ve dated I don’t think I could tell most of them apart by pix of their na-nas. Just didn’t pay that much attention. Even with the redhead and the African American as gimmes I’d be under 50% accuracy.

    I’m more of a face guy.

  51. 51
    taylormattd says:

    This is definitely the weirdest post you’ve ever written.

    I have a feeling you may have been one of many males who turned to that channel expecting something else . . .

  52. 52
    RickyDee says:

    I remember a while back a friend told me his girlfriend got her tongue pierced. When I asked him why he said it made oral sex better. I thought, yeah, the last time I was getting a blow job, all I could think was how this girl really needed a stud on her tongue.

  53. 53
    Mnemosyne says:

    Maybe this is because I am not at all flexible, but I can’t figure out how one gets a good look at one’s own vajayjay, much less how one looks often enough and long enough to decide it’s not up to par and needs plastic surgery.

    I also have trouble manuvering the mirror at the hairdresser’s so I can see what she did with the back of my haircut, FWIW.

  54. 54
    Narcissus says:

    @TheMightyTrowel: Did you split up because you were talking about his genitals in a bar?

    Or was it like a trivia night thing and it was like a potpourri topic

  55. 55
    Quaker in a Basement says:

    decided her vagina was not attractive enough

    Compared to what?

  56. 56
    Ruckus says:

    @PsiFighter37:
    That’s pretty damn good.

  57. 57
    Billy K. says:

    I’ve had girlfriends – a recent one, in fact – who were overly concerned about the “beauty” of their vaginas. In fact, for one of them, it created intimacy issues where there should’ve been none. Nothing I said could get through to her that this was not an issue.

    Just another effect of our “porn culture.” Everything must be perfect.

  58. 58
    Jager says:

    On a Colorado ski vacation longer ago then I would like to remember. My family and I made friends with a family from Chicago. The dad was a plastic surgeon who did a ton and half of boob jobs. One drunken night he said “if there was a reliable and workable way to make men’s dicks bigger, I’d have a line around the block and spend all my time trying to talk them down from 12 inchers”

  59. 59
    General Stuck says:

    @Billy K.:

    Just another effect of our “porn culture.” Everything must be perfect.

    “Porn culture”? sure you don’t mean fashion culture.

  60. 60
    gwangung says:

    I have a feeling you may have been one of many males who turned to that channel expecting something else . . .

    I think ANYONE would have been expecting something else….

  61. 61
    dance around in your bones says:

    I remember going to a women’s free clinic back in the day and watching a woman open up her vagina so we could all get a look at her innards with a speculum….

    I don’t know, I think it’s all more how you feel than how you look. But then, I’ve never felt an urge to be a pron star.

  62. 62
    RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist says:

    Ladybusiness appearance insecurity is more common outside the US. In India for instance there’s a big market for lightening creams.

  63. 63
    Comrade Mary says:

    @Quaker in a Basement: Dan Savage once compared the vulva to a canned ham that had been dropped from a great height. Hey, someone had to try to match Sylvia Plath’s description of some guy’s wedding tackle as “turkey neck and turkey gizzards”.

  64. 64
    BGinCHI says:

    A lot of genius posts aren’t recognized as such until the poster is six feet under.

    Just saying.

  65. 65
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    @Narcissus:

    I am pro-anal bleach. Presentation is very important.

    This would sound great in a campaign speech.

  66. 66
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Comrade Mary:
    In my neck of the woods, we’d call it “banana and two rambutans“.
    ETA: It’s a vegan-friendly description.

  67. 67
    GregB says:

    @Comrade Mary:

    Or a Ham Rove dropped from a great height.

  68. 68
    TooManyJens says:

    @Narcissus:

    I am pro-anal bleach
    __
    presentation is very important

    I for one do not get an eyeful of anus every time I have sex. Maybe that means I’m doing sex wrong, but I’m OK with that.

  69. 69
    jl says:

    Forget fussing with the drapery. Now this is sexy!

    Social Security Is the Best-Funded Government Program: David Cay Johnston
    Yahoo Finance

    Johnston suggests three fixes for Social Security:

    1. Raise the wage base subject to Social Security taxes from $110,00 to $200,000. That would restore the share of American wages covered by Social Security to 90%, like it was under President Reagan, from 83% currently.

    2. Raise the Social Security tax by 2 percentage points. The higher tax could help offset the fund’s drop due to declining wages. The Social Security tax is currently 6.2% for employers and 4.2% for employees. It was cut for employees two years ago as part of the payroll tax holiday and set to expire at the end of the year. President Obama wants to extend the tax cut.

    3. Increase employment and wages. Of course, this is easier said than done and something that politicians are scrambling to accomplish. When more people are working, the government collects more funds for Social Security.

    http://finance.yahoo.com/blogs.....44769.html

    Edit: article comes with an vid interview with Johnston, which is very good.

  70. 70
    eemom says:

    Sweet baby Jaysus. LOOK at you people, diving right into this subj — I mean, snatching right at this — I mean, vajayjay is a STUPID fucking word.

  71. 71
    Jay S says:

    @Mnemosyne:Yeah, I can’t really appreciate what it is I am supposed to see in the mirror, even if I can get it to show me the back of my head.

  72. 72
    p.a. says:

    RISD students many years ago did an audience participation art show called Private Parts. Among other props, guys could put their ‘whodangs’ in a box filled with straw, put a little straw hat on top, and take a polaroid. Don’t know what the female setups were like. Maybe Groucho nose/glasses. After word got out, the Providence Police raided the exhibit.

  73. 73
    jl says:

    @TooManyJens: Gee thanks. I put that anal bleach (whatever that is) stuff out of my mind. Do you pour it in like Drano or something, or do you put some bleach in the washer on warm cycle and sit in it?

  74. 74
    BethanyAnne says:

    Or as Stoya says “Dudes do not give a fuck”
    http://stoya.tumblr.com/post/3.....y-porn-day

  75. 75
    TooManyJens says:

    @jl: I don’t know, and I hope to never, ever find out.

  76. 76
    Death Panel Truck says:

    @eemom: My first girlfriend’s preferred term was “twat.” I didn’t care what she called it as long as she was willing to share. ;)

  77. 77
    JenJen says:

    @PsiFighter37: Amazing. Thanks for sharing that! 2012 was one of those unforgettable years, it really was.

  78. 78
    trollhattan says:

    Sweet leaping Ronnie Reagan on a ‘lectric lamprey, somebody fire up the DougJ batsignal, the Kaplan Daily is at it again.

    DEMOCRATS LIKE TO say that they are for “balance” in the fiscal debate and that Republicans favor spending cuts. That argument is increasingly difficult to credit.
    __
    Since the election last month, a few modest proposals have been floated to slow the growth in entitlement spending. None of these would fix the problem, but they would at least acknowledge that a problem exists. One by one, the ostensible advocates of balance have shot them down, portraying each in turn as a mortal threat to the poor or the aged.
    __
    Nudging the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67, which President Obama supported last year? Unconscionable. Changing the way cost-of-living adjustments are calculated, which Mr. Obama also supported? Brutally unfair to veterans and seniors. Reform of Medicaid provider taxes, which liberal Senate Majority Whip Richard J. Durbin (D-Ill.) only days ago described as a “charade” used by states to jack up funding from Washington? Unthinkable, the White House now says:In fact, with the Supreme Court having struck down a facet of Mr. Obama’s Affordable Care Act involving Medicaid, nothing in that program can be touched. And, while they’re at it, put Social Security off the table, too. We’re asked to accept the mythology that, though the pension and disability program is facing ever-widening shortfalls, it isn’t contributing to the overall deficit.

    Two months is a “nudge.” Two years is a North Korean missile up the arse.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/.....ml?hpid=z4

  79. 79
    The Pale Scot says:

    At the dawn of the internet age I read an article about a guy who claimed he’d lengthened his equipment by wrapping around a chopstick and yanking it for hours at a time. Don’t know what was weirder, the claim or the description of the ministrations of his GF to stimulate him so the author could observe the stretch marks that proved his claim.

    The guy thought he was gonna get rich teaching the method. Never heard a word about him again, Imagine!

  80. 80
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @eemom:

    Taco. If God didn’t want us to eat it, he wouldn’t have made it to look like a taco.

  81. 81
    seaboogie says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist: but prolly not pretty – or in your case – bonita.

  82. 82

    @eemom: Thank Oprah Winfrey for that.

  83. 83
    DPS says:

    Vaginas! I totally remember those. But I don’t remember encountering one and thinking “You know what? That could use a little surgical enhancement.”

  84. 84

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Designa Vagina from North Carolina … there’s a bawdy song just dying to be written here.

  85. 85
    The Dangerman says:

    Could be a new show; shit, if Honey Boo Boo is hot, Funny Hoo Hoo should be a ratings goldmember.

  86. 86
    Mnemosyne says:

    @eemom:

    I like it for mixed-company situations like this one because it’s a little goofy. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word when it’s just me and him.

  87. 87
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @The Other Chuck:

    I like that…lol! What I want to know is if she consulted with a vagina designer or if she just picked up some style she saw in a Designer Vag magazine in some doctors office.

  88. 88
    Comrade Mary says:

    @BethanyAnne: Stoya is awesome. I like this one, too.

  89. 89
    Yutsano says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist: JC is sooo gonna get e-mails for this thread. And Sister Sarah will be quite put out if she misses it.

  90. 90
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee:

    Is it like in Roxanne where they have you hold new silhouettes up to the area and look in the mirror to decide which look you want?

  91. 91
    Uriel says:

    And I am again reminded that I really need to spend less time on the internet…

  92. 92

    I thought since I have insomnia I could come to my favorite blog for comfort. And I was wrong.

  93. 93
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    @Narcissus: one of many reasons

  94. 94
    Seanly says:

    @MikeJ: Hahaha, very clever.

  95. 95
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Plus you get samples that you can take around to show your friends and get their opinions!

  96. 96
    Yutsano says:

    @Southern Beale: I could make biscotti. It’s not that difficult and I have a (mostly) clean kitchen.

  97. 97
    JoyceH says:

    @jl:

    But the number of men who resort to desperate measures to shape up their junk must dwarf the number of women.

    Well, women have to go fetch a mirror to even LOOK at their accessories. Men just have to look down.

  98. 98
    👽 Martin says:

    I propose a new rule: if a guy says your hoo-ha is unattractive in any way, you are justified beating him to death with any available object.

    Somewhat related: Now that its basically impossible to limit your teenage sons access to porn, and they’re developing a distorted perception of sex and women, Ms Martin proposes a service run by attractive young women that would explain these things for a fee – something parents could enroll their kid in to kind of deprogram them. Nothing naughty, but someone they wouldn’t find overly creepy but would find believable – a threshold mom and dad can’t meet.

  99. 99
    Chris says:

    I think this woman’s website is relevant

    http://makelovenotporn.com/

  100. 100
    Narcissus says:

    @TooManyJens: I wouldn’t say you’re doing it wrong

    But it’s possible I have more fun

  101. 101
    Nietszche says:

    If you’re spending all your time staring at a vagina, I think that means you are doing it wrong.

    If you stare too long into the vagina…

  102. 102

    @Yutsano:

    You bake when you have insomnia? Huh. Never tried that. I’m usually trying to avoid making noise.

  103. 103
    opie_jeanne says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist: This sounds like an intriguing hook for the first page of a thriller.

  104. 104
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    @Southern Beale: I make a big mug of herbal tea and do star jumps (which have another name in the states but I can’t remember it) while I wait for the water to boil. Tuckered out from the star jumps, I take my tea to bed and usually fall asleep before i’ve finished it.

  105. 105
    Comrade Mary says:

    Star jumps = jumping jacks? (Wiki says yes.)

    Most star jumps in one minute.

    (I don’t have insomnia, just deadlines. I’ve pulled more all-nighters over the past couple of months than I did in all my university years.)

  106. 106
    piratedan says:

    well, what happens at band camp…. usually stays at band camp….

  107. 107
    Baron Elmo says:

    Playwright John Guare (who penned one of the great American theatre comedies, House of Blue Leaves), once wrote a one-act play about consumer obsession with body odor. At the end of the play, he makes a reference to “ear odor.” Now, whenever my wife and I see an advert for some totally ridiculous product or procedure that plays on people’s insecurities, one of us turns to the other and declaims, “Ear odor!”

    The account of the woman getting cosmetic surgery for her nethers is an ear odor story if I ever heard one.

  108. 108
    opie_jeanne says:

    I am mourning the imminent loss of my beloved yellow 2001 Escape. That car was a champ, and it was paid for many years ago. 200,000 miles… gone too soon.

    Now we are embarking on buying a Honda CR-V, a more expensive vehicle and a bit larger, but it is very nice to drive. I have never done this before, but I am contemplating buying one with almost all of the toys, including leather seats. LEATHER SEATS! omc, I have lost all my values.

    Right now I’m busily playing three dealers off against each other (yeah, try to charge me $100 for spraying some silicone junk on my windshield, bitches).

    Shopping was fun, in a way, got to see a lot of cool new toys they put on cars these days, and got to drive a whole bunch of new and used ones.

    We looked at what Ford has to offer and they treated us decently, showed us what they had, talked general prices and rebates and weekend sales that start tomorrow, and waved good-bye when we left. He seemed to understand what “shopping” means.

    We went over to the Jeep place, which was like a shark tank car sales lot from the 50s and 60s. The Bad Old Days. We drove a Compass (didn’t care much for it), a 2009 Ford Escape with 40k miles, a 2012 Liberty with 2500 miles (liked that one a lot, but what the hell? Are unwinds still possible?), and a used Fiat.

    They took away the nice young man who helped us drive all of those cars and sent in his “manager” who wouldn’t tell us how much the damned Fiat was, just took the keys off the table, then he took the Escape off the table (and it was pretty nice), and tried to sell us this almost new Liberty at damn near MSRP. The price had come down to about $50 below Kelley blue book. I mean, the guy actually printed out the page and then wrote his price beside it, as if we wouldn’t notice it was only $50 because it dropped it below the next thousand down. (as if $99.99 isn’t within a penny of $100)

    I, not being a barefoot pilgrim, took my darling husband ( who is usually very polite about this stuff and hates it so much he’ll offer them an extra $200 over MSRP to just sell us the damned car and not talk to us) and said we needed lunch; it was 2pm and we learned many years and quite a few cars ago never to make a deal for that kind of money on an empty stomach. So, we started to leave and in a front corner of the showroom there is a raised platform with three guys sitting up there, more managers, and one of them yelled at the guy who was “helping” us, guy #2, “Hey! Where are they going?” I looked around and guy #2 had disappeared.

    Out in the parking lot I spotted Guy #1 and thanked him for helping us earlier, said we were going to get some lunch and talk about our options, and as I was doing this out came Guy #3, a tall white guy whose body language was strange, part of it was intimidation and part of it was an attempt to instill … trust? I dunno, but I noticed that as he talked to me (not to my husband who was safely behind the wheel of the pickup and had already started the engine) I had my arms folded across my chest; his signals must not have worked. Anyway, he ran out of the building and said he was the manager of Guy #2 and he could make us a better offer, knock off about $1800 and why did we want to go all the way over to the Honda dealership when they could take care of us right there.

    Right.

    We have a couple of offers right now that look pretty good on a new CR-V at two different dealerships, may get a third and then circle back to dealership #1. If we don’t buy one tomorrow, we will do it on Tuesday. Company coming from out of town. No rush.

    Oh, and if they won’t give us about $1800 for the Escape in trade, we’ll donate to a local charity with a good rep and take it off our income tax. It’s marketable and they’ll make a little money.

  109. 109
    opie_jeanne says:

    @Southern Beale: I have cleaned the kitchen when in sleepless mode, or in an angry funk. I cleaned out my entire pantry: threw out old spices, scrubbed the shelves, and reorganized the whole shebang I was so damned mad. That showed him.

    Then I apologized when the sun rose and he wandered in. By then I’d ranted to myself about everything and figured out who was wrong, dammit.

  110. 110
    opie_jeanne says:

    @Baron Elmo: … but a friend told me that ears smell really terrible….

    Maybe hers did.

  111. 111
    magurakurin says:

    @Billy K.:

    Just another effect of our “porn culture.” Everything must be perfect.

    Seriously, we must be looking at different porn. Lots of far from perfect bodies and parts in porn out there.

    Maybe you’re looking at the stuff you have to pay for?

  112. 112
    greennotGreen says:

    @opie_jeanne: I bought a new-to-me car two years ago, and one car I considered was a CR-V. I loved the way it handled and the driver’s seat and controls fit me like a glove, but cargo space is important to me so I went with a Subaru Forester with a third more capacity in a similarly sized vehicle. I’ve been very happy.

  113. 113
    Central Planning says:

    Weirdest rap sex song I’ve ever heard, Broccoli and Cheese, by Devin the Dude.

    I heard it on XM once while going through the channels… “This dick is so clean, you can serve it with some lima beans”.

  114. 114
    Death Panel Truck says:

    @magurakurin:

    Maybe you’re looking at the stuff you have to pay for?

    Maybe he’s looking at eighties porn, when women were actually attractive, when they sported pubic hair and no tattoos or piercings. Some may like depilated women, but the prepubescent look is a big turnoff for me.

  115. 115
    Schlemizel says:

    @Wapiti:
    God I love G&O – that was hilarious! Thanks for posting it.

  116. 116
    BethanyAnne says:

    @Comrade Mary: She’s great :) i was looking for the rant that ended with “and if you judge a woman by how her vagina looks, then you aren’t mature enough to be playing with vaginas in the first place”, but i couldn’t find it.

  117. 117
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Death Panel Truck:

    Better run through the jungle…

    I like a bit of floss after a good meal. ;p

  118. 118
    Rich2506 says:

    Yeah, I looked through a piece in a woman’s mag on breasts and what men prefer once and the magazine’s conclusion may have been geared towards making the women readers feel good about themselves, but I agreed with it “He likes your breasts because they’re yours.”

  119. 119
    debbie says:

    the weirdest thing was this beautiful 20-something teacher in North Carolina who decided her vagina was not attractive enough

    This is nothing new. Mario Puzo had one of his characters undergo an operation to re-tighten her vagina in The Godfather, written more than 50 years ago.

    Having just watched the documentary Miss Representation, women’s self-perception likely won’t be getting any better anytime soon.

  120. 120
    RedKitten says:

    The problem is that the 0.01% of men who DO care about the appearance of the vagina are loud and obnoxious enough about it to be heard. And some women (much like some men) will ignore 1,000,000 compliments but will take to heart the one insult. It IS sad, but it’s no less sad than people altering any other body part solely to please someone else.

  121. 121
    rumpole says:

    “This may be the weirdest post I’ve ever written.”

    Yes. Yes it is.

  122. 122
    Cassidy says:

    @debbie:

    This is nothing new. Mario Puzo had one of his characters undergo an operation to re-tighten her vagina in The Godfather, written more than 50 years ago.

    That’s an actual medical issue that has had some serious implications on the self image and sexuality of some women. While The Godfather didn’t present it in the most progressive light, I wouldn’t lump this procedure into the same one as labiaplasty.

    Why do all the good vagina threads happen after I go to bed?

  123. 123
    MomSense says:

    While we are discussing lady parts. WTF is it with the Hitler mustache wax jobs?? And making it look like one of those sad sphynx cats??

  124. 124
    jon says:

    I think calling female genitalia “vagina” would be like me whipping out my junk and saying, “Hey ladies! Howsabout this here urethra?”

    As for what makes some obsess over such things, it’s two-fold: we’re spending a lot more time nearly naked is one factor, but the bigger one is that we can. Women wearing yoga pants–which seem to be standard costume for college and air travel and morning dropping off the kids at school and sometimes yoga–aren’t supposed to be looked at in the crotch, but there’s no reason to pretend no one ever does take a peek at the cleft.

    In a world where tattoos on necks and faces are becoming more and more common, eyebrows and tongues and nipples get pierced every night, hair gets removed by fricking lasers that may or may not be attached to sharks, earlobe plugs are the size of hubcaps, and women still wear insanely high-heeled shoes, a desire for a bit of nip and tuck on the vulva seems almost quaint in its restraint.

    On the scale of things, we accept (generally) men and women who want to be women and men but find someone who wants to change much less than that for happiness to be a weirdo. Not liking your body is easy for other people to dismiss, but for that person it’s like being told to snap out of depression.

  125. 125
    imonlylurking says:

    @Spaghetti Lee: You evil man. Now I have an idea for a Halloween costume guaranteed to terrorize the city. Mwhahahaha! *scurries off to craft store*

  126. 126
    WaterGirl says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist: Holy crap! Do you love this crazy new job of yours?

  127. 127
    WaterGirl says:

    @arguingwithsignposts:

    I thought that was the front door.

    Nominating for comment of the year.

    Edit: Oh, and after this thread, I may have to find a 12-step group for fear of clicking on links.

  128. 128
    Cassidy says:

    @WaterGirl: So does this raise the question of why is everyone trying to get in through the skylight?

  129. 129
    moderateindy says:

    I think this is a perfect representation of something that I figured out years ago that has allowed me to date women that are way out of my league as far as looks are concerned. When most women look into a mirror all they see is their flaws. This includes women that are bright and have a decent amount of self confidence.
    Of course it might just be that I benefit from the fact that I don’t really suffer too much from the fear of rejection, (thank you years of sales experience with a lot of cold calling) so I have no problem asking out women that other guys might be reluctant to pursue. I highly doubt that I am any more effective in my pursuits, I think I just make up for it in volume. Who cares if ya get shot down by 20 women if the 21st says yes. Perhaps it’s the dating equivalent of spam e-mails. Although to be honest most women are nice enough to at least go to dinner with you.

  130. 130
    different-church-lady says:

    I’ve been thinking for a while that the cosmetic surgery plague isn’t really about what the thing being altered actually looks like — it’s actually about the decision to have some kind of procedure done. In a dysfunctional way the pleasure is in the idea that the person has control over something; “I got something fixed. I took a step, I have control.”

    I think body modification is the same way: it’s not about the tattoo, it’s about the fact that you got a tattoo. It’s a verb, not a noun.

  131. 131
    WaterGirl says:

    @Cassidy: ha ha!

    very entertaining thread. and props to jon who knows the difference between a vulva and a vagina. an amazing number of guys do not.

  132. 132
    jon says:

    @WaterGirl: Most women don’t, either.

  133. 133
    kindness says:

    Speaking strictly as an passionate admirer of female private parts the only thing that ever really offended me was the occasional run in with terrible taste &/or smell. Hygiene isn’t always the reason either. Some times it’s the luck (or lack of any) of ones genes.

  134. 134

    I think calling female genitalia “vagina” would be like me whipping out my junk and saying, “Hey ladies! Howsabout this here urethra?”

    You can thank Eve Ensler and a thousand tv shows that suddenly realized that yes, this ancient word could be used on TV, and proceeded to become “edgy” in the sense of a three-year-old with a new word.

    I’ll take it over va-jay-jay any day.

  135. 135
    Rafer Janders says:

    @jon:

    What?? No. No. I refuse to accept that.

  136. 136
    Beth in VA says:

    @RossinDetroit, Rational Subjectivist: Root cellar is perfect.

  137. 137
    Fwiffo says:

    There are surgeries to straighten out a curved ding-a-ling. Apparently some guys’ clubs have such a wicked slice that it actually becomes a functional issue.

  138. 138
    Fwiffo says:

    Speaking strictly as an passionate admirer of female private parts the only thing that ever really offended me was the occasional run in with terrible taste &/or smell. Hygiene isn’t always the reason either. Some times it’s the luck (or lack of any) of ones genes.

    Diet’s a big part. I made the connection because of a girlfriend who really loved garlic.

  139. 139
    danah gaz says:

    @The Dangerman: hehehe. You said “goldmember”

    =)

  140. 140
    danah gaz says:

    @WaterGirl: I was thinking the same thing.

  141. 141
    Smedley the Uncertain says:

    @PsiFighter37: Thanks

  142. 142
    sherparick says:

    First, this is just not a “women” thing. From the number of ads I see on my ESPN and MLB sites, the audience watching with me, mostly mail, seems to have a great interest in the following subject:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_enlargement

    Further, despite this statement, many get surgery.

    “There are several surgical treatments, all carrying a risk of significant complications. The Second International Consultation on Sexual Dysfunctions concluded, most men will not wish to proceed to surgery when properly informed of the likely outcome and risks of complications.[2]”

    I do think more of this is in our face because our public culture is open to sexuality. But sex and money have making the world go round for a long time. And the whole morbid curiosity for the unusual goes back a way as well through a wide number of culture. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freak_show

    Drone strikes are then enough reason to beat us up.

  143. 143
    John M. Burt says:

    @Nietszche: I don’t have a problem with that.

Comments are closed.