Late Night Open Thread

There really is nothing worse than not being able to fall asleep. Well, not being able to fall asleep while Tunch purrs in your left ear, Lily snores (and drools) on your right shoulder, and Rosie snores into your right thigh under the comforter. And you just lie there thinking, I hate all of you, but I love you so much so I am not going to move, but seriously, fuck you all.

55 replies
  1. 1
    AZ drifter says:

    Ahhh, the love and torture of having pets…..

  2. 2
    Yutsano says:

    Go ahead. Move. I dare you. Then I calmly await the update where Rosie has bitten you and there is now blood on the sheets.

  3. 3
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    I can sympathize with not being able to fall asleep. My dear wife underwent open heart surgery Thursday and my love and concern for that little angel, as well as taking care of the family, have had me “on” for so many hours that I can’t find the way to “off”.

  4. 4
    Lavocat says:

    Drink some warm milk and put on some classical music (violin concertos).

    Works every fucking time.

  5. 5
    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn says:

    You’re cute when you’re cranky, Cole. And if you ever changed, I’d have to settle for LGF as my sole purveyor of poli-snark.

    Also, too, I missed that Rosie’s no longer crated at night? How long’s this been goin’ on?

  6. 6
    ilsita says:

    Don’t move. These creatures might never find a comfortable spot again.

  7. 7
    srv says:

    I’ve always been told old people don’t need to sleep much. What’s your malfunction?

  8. 8
    Yutsano says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: Cardiovascular surgery has advanced in so many ways even in the last ten years. Your beloved is in good hands, but I wish you peace during all this. And a good vacation soon afterwards.

  9. 9
    Jane2 says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: Yikes, you’ve earned your stress! Best wishes to your wife for a speedy recovery.

  10. 10
    👽 Martin says:

    Gin cures all ills.

  11. 11
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: Good wishes and thoughts.

  12. 12
    PeakVT says:

    I thought Rosie was sleeping in her cage? I can’t keep up with the drama that is Chez Cole.

  13. 13
    Higgs Boson's Mate says:

    Thank you. She’s doing well and she’s in the care of some very good people. My wife has never been comfortable in this world, if that makes any sense to you, so I was selfishly worried that the surgery might be her way out. Our son is autistic so all he knows for sure is that Mom is in the hospital.

  14. 14
    Studly Pantload, the emotionally unavailable unicorn says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: Healing and serenity to both of you. Hope to hear good things from you in the near future.

  15. 15
    👽 Martin says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: Oh, I know that feeling. Ms Martin had very difficult pregnancies with much rushing to the hospital and my son worried about his mom. There was one week in particular I think I slept maybe 30 hours total.

    Best wishes to your wife, and your nerves.

    Again, gin cures all ills.

  16. 16
    slag says:

    This exact situation is why Dog invented treats. Sneak out from under them, go to the kitchen, throw down some treats for all, drink a cold glass of water, and then, sneak off back to bed closing the door behind you. Works for me.

  17. 17
    👽 Martin says:

    Ohhhhhh yeah. Baldurs Gate for the iPad. Baldurs Gate II coming next year.

  18. 18
    cokane says:



  19. 19
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate:

    Yikes! I remember us being that way during my father-in-law’s final illness this summer — sleeping lightly because we didn’t want to miss the phone call or text message telling us to get on the next plane to Chicago. And also after my brother’s car accident several decades ago — I was only about 12, but I think I maybe slept three or four hours total that whole week.

    As others have said, it sounds as though she’s in good hands, so rest when you can (even if you can’t actually fall asleep) and don’t let the lack of sleep send you into a depression.

  20. 20
    Mnemosyne says:

    Back on the pet topic, Charlotte will bite my legs if she feels I’m moving around too much. And that’s before she decides that Keaton (who sleeps on his own pillow above my head) needs to give her a bath RIGHT NAOW! aka 3:15 a.m.

    ETA: My ass is on the smallish side, which apparently makes it a perfect kitty pillow. Who knew?

  21. 21
    Steeplejack says:


    I have been blessed with the current housecat as a sleeping partner. She is really good about standing off a bit if I shift around and then nestling back in for body heat. And now that I have deployed the flannel-covered down comforter for the winter she doesn’t even want the body contact so much; she just nestles down in the comforter and generates her own heat.

    Finally, she is a master of the logrolling technique: she can maintain the meatloaf position on my hip, back or side as I turn over. I think she has a matched pair of state-of-the-art gimbals.

    This is in contrast to previous pets who demanded their territorial rights in bed, and one in particular who insisted on sleeping draped over my head on the pillow. I would be two inches taller if I had never known her.

  22. 22
    👽 Martin says:

    See, this is why I’m glad we trained our corgi to not climb the stairs. Not that he could get that barrel up on a bed with his 3″ long legs, but I like that we all sleep in different parts of the house.

  23. 23
    Mnemosyne says:


    Charlotte is reminding us very much of our late kitty Natasha, whose attitude towards co-sleeping was, “There’s three of us, so we each get a third of the bed. What’s the problem?” G and I keep ending up squished along one edge of the bed because Charlotte takes over the other side.

    It’s usually not too bad, but there was one night when I woke up seriously claustrophobic because G was spooning me on one side, Keaton was curled up against my stomach on the other, and Charlotte was curled up against Keaton. Everyone but me was very comfortable.

    (Notice that Annie is never part of these stories. This is because Annie is not permitted to sleep on the bed at night. This is a rule that Charlotte made up and Charlotte enforces, again usually at about 3:00 am on a work night.)

  24. 24
    BobbyMac says:

    Wait..Lily CAN do (occasional) wrong?? that actually rocks the dynamics of my ‘Life of Cole’ soap opera that plays in my head when I read the page everyday…

  25. 25
    BobbyMac says:

    I’m gonna need an unexplained coma or a mysterious murder to get me back on track.

  26. 26
    Bago says:

    It’s like Fox News getting the “Double Dick and Karl” treatment. Armey, Morris and Rove walk away with millions telling middle aged white men what they want to hear.

  27. 27
    Steeplejack says:


    “There’s three of us, so we each get a third of the bed. What’s the problem?”

    My brother has that problem with his latest rescue greyhound. She’s 65 pounds but thinks she’s a teacup poodle, and she wants to take her half of the living-room couch out of the middle.

    ETA: I used to live with a woman who was a wild, sprawling sleeper, and two or three cats, so I got used to sleeping on an 18-inch margin along one side of the bed. Good times.

  28. 28
    ruemara says:

    Try sitting here, waiting for your meds to fucking work. 180/110 and I’m on round 4 of the pill cocktail. I’m halfway thinking I should have a care statement handy.

  29. 29
    Jade Jordan says:

    Insomnia is God’s punishment for liking Chris Christie.

  30. 30
    Another Halocene Human says:

    @srv: Staring at computer, lots of blue light, fools brain into thinking it’s wakey-wakey time.

    Strangely, this does not work to wake me up in the morning.

    I’m using flux but it doesn’t really seem to work right. Mac mini + acer monitor with user-set rgb values (i turned them way down, more like a mac monitor).

  31. 31
    John Weiss says:


    Count your blessings. Sweet dreams (with a bit of dog drool).

  32. 32
    Raven says:

    My bride has a herniated disc so we had to kick the dogs out of the rack. The seem to have adjusted well but I wish I could say the same for her. She had a cortisone injection tuesday and, so far, no help at all.

  33. 33
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Steeplejack: What I remember of sleeping with the Peekskill animals: Hugo the Dobie would curl up in ball after finding the just-right spot along my back. The greyhounds (3 of them) would try to sleep around me and Hugo but spreading their legs all over. This usually didn’t work and 2 of them would have to move to the floor.

  34. 34
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Raven: Ah, the joys of sleeping with a herniated disk… not. I do feel for your wife and you. Before my surgery, I had to sleep flat on my back with my legs on pillows and I had to be absolutely still. I did finally get used to it — it was the only time I didn’t hurt. I hope your wife finds the help she needs.

  35. 35
    Raven says:

    @PurpleGirl: So the surgery worked for you?

  36. 36
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Raven: Yes, it did. I had some residual nerve damage but the sciatica was gone. My presentation was a burning sensation in my left leg — all day long it felt like a little man was running up and down the inside of my leg with a blow torch. When I woke up from surgery, that was gone. Even with the residual damage, which actually sometimes made it seem that my foot was falling off, I do it again in a heart beat. And after 16 or so years, I no longer feel the foot fall sensation.

  37. 37
    Raven says:

    @PurpleGirl: Thanks, she had her feet go out from under her about 6 months ago and it’s taken this long to get an accurate diagnoses. She’s a fanatic gardener and this is really getting her down. Time for me to really step up methinks.

  38. 38
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Raven: Did she have an MRI? At the time of my problem my insurance was HIP; I saw an orthopedist and a neurologist. The orthopedist sent for X-rays and when they showed nothing, he sent me for an MRI. When HIP got the report on that, they sent me to a neurosurgeon. It was their policy. I bless the scientists who developed MRIs.

  39. 39
    Josie says:

    @👽 Martin: My now adolescent corgi has recently become very athletic and capable of jumping up on the couch and bed. We are amazed at how he does it. So now he is crated for bedtime and looks forward to his treat in the crate. I would never sleep with his twitchy self in the bed.

  40. 40
    Raven says:

    @PurpleGirl: Yes, after a couple of months of therapy she did. There is so much information that it is difficult to navigate. She is working with an osteopath but we’re hearing neurosurgeon a lot.

  41. 41
    Ronzoni Rigatoni says:

    @Raven: Double herniated disks here from an accidental body-slam on a cobbled street somewhere in Germany. 2 surgeries later, sciatica (both legs) is all gone. No pain. Residuals? Well if I get down on a floor or under a car, I need some support to get back up (like a step ladder or a chair). But at 70 y.o., why would I do this? I have also heard that now-a-days they can do some laser micro-surgery with minimum intrusion to burn off the disk edges away from the affected nerves. Recovery time is allegedly less than 48 hours.

  42. 42
    Maude says:

    I’m no help on this, but please tell your princess that I am thinking of her.

  43. 43
    hep kitty says:

    You just described my sleeping situation when I had 3 cats. Down to one now and she only sleeps with me in intervals since she has fallen in love with the heating vent.

    The hardest part is when you are puking sick and you just don’t want all these warm, furry things all glommed onto you, cranking out BTU’s.

  44. 44

    Even more than a year later, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and pretend that my late, beloved Orbit is sleeping in the crook of my arm.

  45. 45
    Capt. Seaweed says:

    And you just lie there thinking, I hate all of you, but I love you so much so I am not going to move, but seriously, fuck you all

    I’ll bet this is the message in your xmas cards…

  46. 46
    Vicky says:

    Seriously you wrote this for us! And Theo. And Jellybean. And Kahlua. And most of all, Willa. Thank god for fishtanks or the list would go on.

  47. 47
    WaterGirl says:

    This is why I love you, Cole.

  48. 48
    kindness says:

    John, you don’t need our advice but we give it all too frequently.

    Do a couple bong rips. Your mind will wander and you’ll be sleeping soon enough. I don’t want to sound Dr. Feelgood and all but hey, it works.

  49. 49
    Felonius Monk says:

    I hate all of you, but I love you so much so I am not going to move, but seriously, fuck you all.

    Seriously, Cole, you’re going to have such impure thoughts. You better stay awake — they’re liable to eat you alive.

  50. 50
    CaseyL says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate: My heart goes out to you. I hope your wife recovers, not only from the surgery but also from her feeling of alienation.

    Animal-in-bed stories: one of my faves. My current kitties are very different: Jeannie starts out curled up on me, then moves over to the edge of the bed after I fall asleep; Oscar takes up the entire middle, slowly pushing me off to one side during the night. I have a king-size waterbed. It’s huge. Oscar still manages to occupy the entire middle.

  51. 51
    RedKitten says:

    I feel your pain, Cole. SamKitten woke me up at 2am, wanting my company. I’ve had a hell of a time sleeping, due to my 8-months-pregnant pelvic bones deciding to rearrange themselves at inopportune times. The boy was sleeping like a wee angel, while I was laying there feeling like I’d been kicked repeatedly in the groin. Love and resentment…I hear ya.

  52. 52
    Yutsano says:

    @Raven: A good orthopedic surgeon with a strong background in successful spinal surgery is who you should be seeking out. A neuro won’t necessarily be as acquainted with the way joint and disc movements function to allow for the necessary healing after the disc pressure is released. My surgery was a total success so if you’re thinking about doing so I highly recommend that route, although they will question why the cortisone shot failed.

  53. 53
    Patricia Kayden says:

    @slag: Then the dogs will scratch at the door all night, while Tunch meows loudly. Won’t work.

  54. 54
    Chris Grrr™ says:

    Cole – sentences like your last one are why I look forward to your posts.

  55. 55
    Gemina13 says:

    @Higgs Boson’s Mate – my best wishes for your dear wife, and for you.

    John, I think I love you. ::hugs:: My beloved and I sleep on a full-size bed. Right now, it’s getting into the mid-30s at night in Tacoma, so Lucky prefers sleeping where it’s warm. That means, by me. Well, last night I was in agony (short story, don’t ask), so I was on a heating pad with Beloved on the outside, because he had to get up early to run errands. And Lucky, sweet boy that he is, decided that he had to curl up against my calves.

    So, to sum up: Beloved on outside edge, with half the room; me squished against him on my side, with 1/3 of the room, and Lucky managing to somehow take up another 1/2 of the bed because he’s a cat, and cats fucking destroy the rules of physics whenever they so desire.

    I love that cat. Someday I’m going to fucking strangle him.

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