The Chive’s Worst Nightmare

Sometimes I crack myself up:

The beard is looking solid this fall.

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114 replies
  1. 1
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    Invisible link is invisible.

  2. 2
    Yutsano says:

    You may need help…

  3. 3
    Jerzy Russian says:

    There is some kind of permission problem, so I don’t see why you are so cracked up.

  4. 4
    trollhattan says:

    Brian Wilson?

    [Ah, there ’tis. Look out, Tunch is calling from INSIDE THE HOUSE.]

  5. 5
    PsiFighter37 says:

    Can’t see whatever it was that was posted.

    That said, all set up in Dayton for weekend GOTV. Loving the new polls coming out from Marist saying +6 in OH.

    Bringing it home, baby. Catch you all tomorrow night.

  6. 6
    Democrat Partisan Asshole says:

    I get Giant Cole on the front page, regular Cole on this one.

    I’ve spent most of my life elbow-deep in computers, but this site does things that cannot be explained. I think maybe your server is possessed.

  7. 7
    Jerzy Russian says:

    I see the picture now. All you need to do is to photoshop out the camera, and that will be a good looking picture.

    For what it is worth, I seem to have the same tiles on my bathroom wall that you have. I got them at Home Depot.

  8. 8
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    Dude, are you going bald?

  9. 9
    cmorenc says:

    Did Tunch take the picture?

  10. 10
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Democrat Partisan Asshole:

    I think maybe your server is possessed.

    I claim no expertise in computers, but this makes shit loads of sense.

  11. 11
    Comrade Carter says:

    Mine is gone, I shaved today. You ought to try it.

  12. 12
    MoeLarryAndJesus says:

    You look so innocent for a guy who just drowned his cat.

  13. 13
    Comrade Mary says:


    (Can you tell I’ve been locked up in my home office all week?)


  14. 14
    Sargeant Pepper's Spray says:

    ABL has a changed man on her hands I see. Soon we’ll be getting Scott Brown style spreads from Cole.

  15. 15
    burnspbesq says:

    iPad mini? Full of win, AFAIC. Light, thin, fully capable. It actually fits in the pocket of the shorts I have on. I can thumb-type in portrait mode. The display is fine unless you’ve been spoiled by the retina displays (seriously, does anyone with an IQ north of 12 find the lack of HD resolution on a 7.9″ screen a deal-breaker?).

    It’s a keeper. Unless the kid puts dibs on the big one, it’ll be on Craigslist next week.

  16. 16
    slag says:

    Still going pantsless I see.

  17. 17
    amk says:

    @PsiFighter37: Go knock their socks off.

  18. 18
    Violet says:

    Have you lost weight?

  19. 19
    trollhattan says:

    @Sargeant Pepper’s Spray: Bite yer tongue. Scotty Brown centerfolds only lead to pink leather hotpants.

  20. 20
    Hal says:

    The new bears version of guys with Iphones.

  21. 21
    Joel says:

    I don’t get it.

  22. 22
    Jay C says:

    I think maybe your server is possessed.

    Yes: by the evil demon known only by the dread rune that no one may pronounce and still maintain their soul and sanity:

    FYWP !!!!

  23. 23
    Warren Terra says:

    Do you have an opinion about Cory Doctorow orgasming over the Nexus 7?

  24. 24
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @PsiFighter37: Plus what? Go kick ass in Dayton. Cheers, mate.

  25. 25

    What is “The Chive”? Check lexicon. Found nothing.

  26. 26
    RinaX says:

    You seem slimmer. Pounds worked off with the ladyfriend? And were you wearing pants when you took this?

  27. 27
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    Ah, there you are. Dude, why do you have such a look of concern? Tunch would be sated long before he got through to the arteries in your arm.

  28. 28
    Hill Dweller says:


    Loving the new polls coming out from Marist saying +6 in OH.

    Willard’s poll numbers are collapsing. The Village will be despondent.

  29. 29
    maven says:

    Sully bait.

  30. 30
    daveX99 says:

    He is: the most interesting chive turkey, in the world.

  31. 31
    Randiego says:

    Anyone else prefer the no pictures policy? But I kid….

  32. 32
    Radio One says:

    the look of horror on your face combined with the cell phone in the shot. I’m going to add this to one of my favorite images from this election, even if this wasn’t actually you.

  33. 33
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    @Hill Dweller: I’m looking forward to them shifting to the “it’s a blowout! Just like we said all along!” narrative in 3, 2, 1…

  34. 34
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    A beard is not a replacement for a jawline (Venture Bros. reference).

    Seriously, I’m not chivin’ you!

    OK, yes I am. :)

  35. 35
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Radio One: In Cole’s defense, I am a stunningly good looking man, but, if I do a digital self-portrait, I do not look any where near as good as I do if someone else presses the button.

  36. 36
    Hal says:


    Loving the new polls coming out from Marist saying +6 in OH.

    Does Wolf Blitzer still think this is a tie? I do have to say that Florida is pissing me off, and the national polls are tied, which I know, everyone in the south voting for Romney, though Kos posted a poll showing Romney at 52 Obama at 46 in Georgia. I’m guessing Atlanta is responsible mostly for those numbers.

    Oh, and poor Linda McMahon. 98 millions dollars later and she still can’t get elected. She and Meg Whitman should start a new club with old Michael Huffington.

  37. 37
    freelancer says:

    You can crack yourself up all you like. I’m guessing that today was harvest day?

    Also, it’s No-shave November now, so you can’t touch that fucker til December unless you like cancer.

    You’re looking good, dude.

  38. 38
    Fuck ALL the chickens! (né Studly Pantload, t.e.u.u.) says:

    Urban Dictionary is our friend:

    Chive 73 up, 61 down

    Referred to as The Chive. A visual, verbal or other means of overtly being stupid in order to gain the attention and acceptance of the opposite sex. This is often seen in males who perform acts of stupidity and loud, brash actions to gain the interest of a lady. Women can be seen doing The CHive by wearing ugly clothes, giant sunglasses and acting stupid to make guys think they are cute. This definition can be heard in detail on various podcasts (My remote Radio, Podocalypse and others)

    Hey, man, whatever works. (All seriousness aside, Cole don’t need no chive; teh wimmins [the worthwhile ones, anyhoo] look to intelligence and wits long before they fret about facial hair.)


  39. 39

    I found out about the Chive and the Berry a few months ago. The whole thing is odd, particularly the wholesomely sleazy vibe to the eye candy pages. It’s like the Walmart of porn.

  40. 40
    Scott S. says:

    Well, you’re better looking than I am. Last time I tried to take a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror, the camera, the mirror, *and* the bathroom all blew up. :(

  41. 41
    JGabriel says:

    Checking in from NYC, power finally back after 4.2 days.

    Down: 10/30/2012 8:45 pm
    Up: 11/3/2012 1:00 am

    Did anyone even miss me?


  42. 42
    Hill Dweller says:

    @Comrade Colette Collaboratrice: I’m sure some will, but Tapper, Todd, Cillizza, Halperin, Politico(who were trying to call Willard’s pathetic rally the biggest in US history), CNN, Fox, etc. will keep trying to spin the bad numbers. They’ll also look for any bad story from the Sandy aftermath, and try to pin it on the administration.

    NBC released these new polls after midnight for a reason. Hell, Cillizza was pushing a wingnut Mason-Dixon poll that had Willard up 6 in FL. He failed to mention they didn’t poll Hispanics.

    Even if/when Obama wins, the Village will continue to hold him to a ridiculous standard, and ignore the Republican insanity.

  43. 43
    Felonius Monk says:

    Thank God you’re wearing a shirt and we can’t see your speedo!

  44. 44
    Comrade Luke says:


    Love everything about the mini, but I used to have a retina iPad 3, so I’m having trouble with the display. Not in the “I’m spoiled” kind of way, but more that I think I’m getting some legitimate eye strain trying to read for any length of time (which never happened before).

    We’ll have to see how it goes over a few more days…

  45. 45
    Redshift says:


    Does Wolf Blitzer still think this is a tie?

    Of course! +6 with a margin of error of, what, +/-3? That means we have no idea who’s ahead, right? #innumeracyForever

  46. 46
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Sarah, Proud and Tall: Oh, dear, one rather hoped this blog would stay above that level. Of course, by my age, I should be used to disappointment.

  47. 47
    freelancer says:


    Did anyone even miss me?

    Yes. Or we would have, eventually. Don’t take it as a knock. Glad you’re okay.

  48. 48
  49. 49

    You handsome fucker. No wonder the chicks go wild for you.

  50. 50
    Comrade Luke says:

    @Warren Terra:

    Doctorow will always orgasm over “open”.

  51. 51
    Redshift says:


    Did anyone even miss me?

    It has been a little quiet around here, especially in the evenings!

    Glad to hear you got through okay. My friends in Hoboken are still without power, and continuing to feed the neighborhood with the contents of their freezer (gas stove, fortunately.)

  52. 52
    Redshift says:

    @Hill Dweller:

    Hell, Cillizza was pushing a wingnut Mason-Dixon poll that had Willard up 6 in FL. He failed to mention they didn’t poll Hispanics.

    It seems awfully appropriate for Mason-Dixon to only poll white people…

  53. 53
    slag says:

    @JGabriel: Congrats! And welcome back to Thunderdome.

  54. 54
    patrick II says:
    Romney rallies GOP base in the key state of Ohio
    USA TODAY – ‎25 minutes ago
    Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his wife, Ann, arrive Friday night at a rally in West Chester, Ohio.
    Related Mitt Romney »
    Romney and Ryan rally in Ohio in ‘final push’Los Angeles Times – by Maeve Reston
    Romney Touts Business Background in Presidential BidVoice of America
    Featured:Unemployment rate ticks up: Will it affect the election?

    My first five headlines on Google news.

  55. 55
    Genine says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    Are you single and heterosexual?

    And, seriously, Cole. Why the picture? Chive? Really?

  56. 56
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:


    I think so. Maybe. One question; who are you? ;)

    I’m glad to see your return under power. :)

  57. 57
    Bludger says:

    I’d hit it

  58. 58
    Hill Dweller says:

    @Redshift: I’d love to see the President win Florida. There is a definite shift toward him, but will it be enough?

    OFA is certainly pushing hard in FL. Clinton, the President, First Lady and VP will all have visited multiple times in the 4 days leading up to election day.

  59. 59

    No link yet, Rachel Maddow had Nate Silver on tonight. After the discussion on the obvious, she asked, “How are *you* doing?” It was such a relief from the clap-trap found just about everywhere else.

    I felt sorry for Nate, dude does not seem cut out for the spotlight. And reminded I was of how profoundly awesome is Rachel.

  60. 60
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Genine: Hetero, yes. Single, yes. All I was saying is that photos tend to look better if someone else takes it. One never gets the angles right if one does a selfy.

  61. 61
    JGabriel says:

    @freelancer, @Sarah, Proud and Tall, @Redshift, et. al.:

    Danke, danke, danke, danke.


  62. 62
    Phil says:

    I like you John Cole. Keep doing what you do.

  63. 63

    @Omnes Omnibus: One never gets the angles right if one does a selfy.

    One door opens as another closes.

  64. 64
    WaterGirl says:

    @JGabriel: Of course we did! Welcome back. Any good stories to tell us?

  65. 65
    Dave N. says:

    KCCO, John!

    Rocking the Abe Lincoln w/Weapon-X Claws right now!

  66. 66
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:


    I saw that, Silver looked tired but holding in there. I hope his appraisal of the election is right on because I want him to be in the position to serve all of the crow he can to the Village doubters and Teahadist assholes.

    That and Obama wins!

    Seriously, Nate is getting a rash of shit from a bunch of shitheads. I told my wife last night that if Nate was saying Obama was losing then, while I wouldn’t like it, I would believe it.

    With Nate it’s the numbers that matter, not the man.

  67. 67
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @BruceFromOhio: I was just referring to self-portraits – anything else is on you.

  68. 68
    JGabriel says:


    Glad to hear you got through okay. My friends in Hoboken are still without power …

    Hope they get it back soon. As irritating as the lack of electricity, heat and hot water has been for the past four days (and it is entirely annoying and wearying, especially when the temps get below 50F), I always kept in mind that there were a shitload of people in flood zones who had it much worse, and people in less urban areas who would be going w/o power for much longer. I feel for them.


  69. 69

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Meh, it’s Rovian to the core – hate the message, attack the messenger. Six days from now the rightfreaks will be on to other targets, hopefully lots of other targets.

    Maddow will still be awesome, and Silver will still be correct.

  70. 70
    gwangung says:

    OT: GODDDAMMMMIT. These fucks are trying it EVERYWHERE.

    “”It’s been reported that King County GOP is *offering to collect and return voters’ ballots.*

    “We recommend that voters return ballots to an official King County Elections ballot drop-off location or through the US Postal Service. Voters may use the online ballot tracker to confirm that King County has received their ballot.”

    You even mention you’re a Republican within 100 yards of me and I am running towards you to KICK YOUR ASS.

    ETA: Sorry, but I am just TIRED of these mother fucking Republicans trying to fuck us over in this mother fucking country.

  71. 71

    @Omnes Omnibus: Sorry, anyone who calls it a selfy invites what comes after.

  72. 72
    JGabriel says:


    Any good stories to tell us?

    Moderately illuminating stories, but I’m really too je ne sais quoi at the moment to do them any justice. I will do a plug for NY Sports Clubs though, who generously let people in the blackout zones use their showers. Thank you, NYSC.


  73. 73
    Punchy says:

    Your mitts are enormous

  74. 74
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Ruckus: That happens to everyone. My point is that self-portraits with cameras are never flattering.

  75. 75
    amk says:


    Looks like silver is sticking the shiv and turning it exquisitely.

    @ 9.10pm. He had the kenyan muslin usurper with 303.7 with his at 81.4%.

    Now, barely after 5 hours, it’s 305.3 and 83.7%.

  76. 76
    Ruckus says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    I got that point, unfortunately for me, pics of me are never flattering no matter who takes them. I’ve been told that I look OK, good in fact, it just never shows in pics. At least not since I was about 12. If I let my beard and hair, when I had it, grow out, I look like Charlie Manson.

    ETA Minus the swastika on the forehead of course.

  77. 77
    WaterGirl says:

    @JGabriel: That’s awesome. Much better than the semi-awkward showering at friends thing, although that works, too.

  78. 78
    Genine says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:

    I’ve taken a few good self portrait shots. But yeah, most are crap.

  79. 79
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @Ruckus: Aha. I meant no insult to anyone. I was just trying to F with Cole.

  80. 80
    Redshift says:

    @Hill Dweller:

    OFA is certainly pushing hard in FL. Clinton, the President, First Lady and VP will all have visited multiple times in the 4 days leading up to election day.

    I expect they see a strong possibility, and they’re also realistic enough not to think it’s in the bag. (According to our local staffer, the plan for the campaign was to assume we’re not getting Florida, but she also may have been saying that to pump us up for how important Virginia is.)

    One thing I do trust is that OFA’s data is a lot better than the Romney campaign’s, and they’re much more likely to pay attention to what it actually says and not delude themselves. As a local politician once explained, it’s much better to know exactly where all your voters are, even if it tells you you’re going to lose, than to be in the dark and just guessing where you need to find them.

  81. 81
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    You’re a Chiver, John?

  82. 82
    trollhattan says:

    Oh schnapp, red meat for left coasters–Willard’s chances @16.3%. Lowest I’ve seen.

    Wait…must check Unsquwed Poles.

    Whew, Willard +4.2 and hey, a bonus–Taco’s “Mitt Reagan” from yesterday is infesting this mess. Speaking of which and channeling the preznit in the last debate: the ’90s called and they want their web design back. Blecccch.

  83. 83
    Crashman says:

    @amk: I love how he shook the hell out of the sports pundit world, and then just turned around and put the fear of God into our political pundit idiots.

  84. 84
    The Other Chuck says:


    The display is fine unless you’ve been spoiled by the retina displays (seriously, does anyone with an IQ north of 12 find the lack of HD resolution on a 7.9” screen a deal-breaker?).

    Considering you not only get a denser display on a PHONE, but on the competing tablets of the same size and a hundred bucks less? Yeah lemme think about that for a sec.

  85. 85
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @JGabriel: Nope. I didn’t have power for over a week when Isabel came through here in 2003. But now that a post-tropical cyclone (not a Hurricane) hit New York, it’s like the first time a natural disaster happened anywhere.

  86. 86
    Ruckus says:

    @Omnes Omnibus:
    None taken, just commiserating with a fellow “bad” picture taker.

  87. 87
    trollhattan says:

    @patrick II:
    Hi Taco.

  88. 88
    Just Some Fuckhead says:


    Your mitts are enormous

    How he manipulates that phone with those giant banana fingers is one of the mysteries of the universe.

  89. 89
    amk says:

    @trollhattan: The president now cast is even worse at 14.3%. That curve is an ugly beast.

  90. 90
    JGabriel says:

    Just Some Fuckhead:


    Thanks, dude.


  91. 91
    Mnemosyne says:


    Yep. Whatever the opposite of “photogenic” is, that’s me. The only photos I look okay in are our wedding photos, and that’s because I had a hair and makeup artist and really good photographers.

  92. 92
    cbear says:

    @JGabriel: Welcome back, dude. Glad you’re ok.

  93. 93
    Rich C. says:

    Dude I had that exact same shirt about 15 years ago…

  94. 94
    YellowJournalism says:

    Any Grimm fans think Cole resembles the rodent/groundhog wesen guy who got kidnapped in the last episode?

    And the end of Gwangung’s post just confirms for me that Sam Jackson needs to make a sequel to his “Wake the Fuck Up” in the style of a Snakes on a Plane trailer.

  95. 95
    Just Some Fuckhead says:


    Any Grimm fans think Cole resembles the rodent/groundhog wesen guy who got kidnapped in the last episode?

    He’s sorta got a Grover Norquistian thing going with the lifeless eyes and stoic poses. But I happen to know that he’s always animated and lively IRL, regardless of whether or not he’s getting a tax cut.

  96. 96
    burnspbesq says:

    @Comrade Luke:

    I changed fonts and bumped up the size in the Kindle app. In other apps, you can push apart with two fingers to increase size. See if that helps.

  97. 97
    elaine benes says:


    Gah. I shared the King 5 article warning about these fuckers on my FB feed.

    I was reading earlier about the Republican ballot shenannigans going on down in Clackamas County OR….silly me for thinking that here in solid blue, mail-in paper ballot country we were safe from these cheating scum.

    These rats are everywhere.

  98. 98
    burnspbesq says:

    @Comrade Luke:

    I changed fonts and bumped up the size in the Kindle app. In other apps, you can push apart with two fingers to increase size. See if that helps.

    @ The Other Chuck:

    What’s the old line about knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing?

  99. 99
    BobbyMac says:

    Yes!!! Work of Balloon-Juice art?? Name of the piece: “John Cole CHANGIN-thuh-GAME!!”

  100. 100
    Arclite says:

    No self-respecting PC gamer should own an iphone. What’s wrong with you Cole??!

  101. 101
    Narcissus says:

    The Chive is one of those sites that just seems to sponge up all my bandwidth as soon I open it.

    I mostly get my porn from tumblr these days

  102. 102
    hep kitty says:

    Oh my, those big sthrong handthz!

    But you have a “lady friend” who likes gaming, so I don’t stand a chance.

  103. 103
    PurpleGirl says:

    JC — I like the beard.

  104. 104
    Citizen_X says:

    Man, you get yourself some, and now suddenly you’re willing to post pics of yer mug. Rock on, Padawan.

  105. 105
    Lojasmo says:

    Looking good, cole. You know your phone has a camera on the other side too. Taking pics in mirrors is very 2010.

  106. 106
    donnah says:

    You look handsome, and I am glad to see you, John.

    I want a mini, but I just upgraded to the third iPad in March, so it doesn’t make sense to get one now. I use the iPad constantly, so it would be nice to have a smaller, lighter one to carry around with me, but it seems like I might miss the larger screen. sigh.

  107. 107
    PopeRatzo says:

    I’ve seen better beards on my dog’s butt.

  108. 108
    Lymie says:

    “Keep calm and carry on” from the UK in 1939?

    or, “Find the bastards then pile on?” 11th ACAV?

    I do not grock this chive thing.

  109. 109
    Cain says:

    @Genine: Whoa, genine, you’re back! It’s been like years right?

  110. 110
    Comrade Mary says:

    @Lojasmo: two words: focal length. Unless you are elastic man, most of us have arms too short to get the damn camera far enough away from our faces to avoid the potato nose effect.

  111. 111
    The Other Chuck says:


    What’s the old line about knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing?

    Ah right, it was just a sub par display til it got an Apple logo on it, then ZOMG THE GENIUS OF THE STEVE LIVES ON.

  112. 112
    Darkrose says:

    Wow…you know what they say about guys with big hands….

  113. 113
    FlyingToaster says:


    JC —I like the beard.

    What she said.

    Herr Doktor’s dad once said something to me about his beard, and I said, “If the beard goes, so do I.” He was appalled. Heh.

  114. 114
    mbss says:

    cole, you handsome mofo.

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