Okay, I thought the debate sucked: President Obama looked like he wanted to get the hell out of there and go celebrate his anniversary with the First Lady, and Romney managed to be both assertive and mendacious without totally coming across as a smarmy prick and a shameless liar, which is something of a small miracle since he is both. Will it matter? Who the fuck knows?
But I was disappointed since I was hoping for a total Romney faceplant, and during one commercial break, after it became clear that wasn’t going to happen, I went to my laundry room/pantry to retrieve a jar of Cherry Bounce I had put up awhile back, hoping to improve my mood. This is what I saw on the bottom shelf:
Yes, my shelves need a good dusting, but forget that please and share my horror and consternation because — sweet Jesus! That’s a big fucking snakeskin! Which can only mean that at least one large snake has been slithering amongst my jars of homemade cordials! In my laundry room/pantry!
This type of event has a way of completely refocusing the mind, let me tell you. Instead of watching Tweety flip the fuck out in the post-debate analysis or reading Andrew Sullivan’s blow-by-blow account of covering himself in beagle shit and running through the streets bellowing doom and woe, I shook my husband awake and demanded that he find an all-night Home Depot and immediately create an airtight seal on every door, window, awning and roofline in this drafty fucking house.
He didn’t, of course, and that fucking snake — or maybe its thousands of babies! — are probably lurking in my unmentionables drawer at this very moment! So yeah, I’m not happy about how the debate went, but I now realize there are more important things happening. Like motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking laundry room/pantry. The end.
[X-posted at Rumproast]
schrodinger's cat
OMG that is scary. Are there any alligators in your basement? Have you checked?
Violet
Scary! The picture doesn’t provide much scale. How long is the snakeskin?
Maude
If you reach in the undie drawer for something and it gets handed to you, run.
Southern Beale
In case you didn’t hear about the offensive Tweet KitchenAid USA accidentally sent during the debate last night….
chopper
i guess this is a sign that the right metaphor for romney’s metamorphosis is a lizard shedding its skin.
you may continue.
The Snarxist Formerly Known as Kryptik
I’ve been having trouble with mosquito(s) in my bedroom (I’m still not sure it’s more than one) leaving me awake in the middle of the night after getting bites all over my arms, ears, and neck the last 4 or so days. It’s kind of funny that last night was the first night in what feels like forever that I didn’t wake up feeling new, burning hot bites, just when I could use the stewing distraction from freakouts and meta-freakouts.
NonyNony
Ah yeah. Reason #1,245,897,212 that I’m happy not to be living in Florida. Dangerous reptiles.
The Moar You Know
THAT will focus your mind, good lord. Yes, you have a snake in the house. It’s going to take a while to find, they’re quiet and don’t need to eat for months on end if needed.
Dave
Obama just cut his first 30-second ad using Romney’s lies from last night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=eV5m1NxffEs
I figure they have enough material for, what, 20 of these?
askew
Yikes! That is horrifying. I’d be at the nearest friend’s house until the hubby got rid of the snake.
I thought the cloud of boxelder bugs covering my front door was bad, but at least 95% of them are staying outside.
Poopyman
Oh, for Pete’s sake. Are you my wife?
It’s a Black Snake skin. They molt periodically, and at least around here they like to find there way indoors, probably following the crickets. Got a cinderblock wall? Methinks they come in my basement via the openings in the block right at the sill plate.
So far I’ve (hopefully) managed to find all the skins before Mrs. P has. Five foot is about average around these parts. They’re harmless, BTW.
Poopyman
BTW, I’m in tidewater Maryland, so you’re definitely not the girl I married. At least as far as I can recall.
tamied
Oh the joys of living in Florida. I went with some Florida friends to Africa and the guides would tease us about the bugs and crocs and the Florida ladies would say you should see the gators in my swimming pool!
Nicole
As someone who lived in a mouse-infested apartment, I can say, be grateful for the snake. Those shitty little rodents will get into your underwear drawer and EAT YOUR UNDIES.
quannlace
I guess after that you probably needed a healthy swig of the Cherry Bounce.
What’s your recipe?
Culture of Truth
NOW is the time to freak out
BGinCHI
I’ll outsource this to Samuel L:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZ2QFmJ7h0A
Goes well with Romney’s “opening windows on a plane” thing too.
trollhattan
@Violet:
Vile pun harvests respectful golf clap.
Also, too, what do the boxers thing about all this?
shoutingattherain
Rat traps will get ’em. Put them everywhere, especially your underware drawer. They lurv to nest in there.
japa21
@Violet: I see what you did there.
BGK
Eh. 27 years in Florida and a snake is the one thing I never had in the house. The cats would probably fight over it anyway.
What kind of rye did you use (I’m hooked on Bulleit right now)?
BGinCHI
@trollhattan:
George Foreman thinks it sounds delicious.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
That’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.
Matt McIrvin
Once, when it rained a lot, a little bitty snake got into my basement. It was too fast for me to catch it, and I decided to just let it be and let it go out through whatever crack it came in.
A few hours later, I went down there and found it lying dead in the middle of the floor with its neck severed by a single neat bite. I am pretty sure this was my stupid cat Nestor’s greatest moment of badass, and possibly the only time he has ever been good for anything besides ruining the carpet.
Schlemizel
You live in Florida, snake skins are the least of your worries
I used to call it the “Plague of the month club” because it always seemed to be something new every few weeks.
Anya
Betty, that’s scary. What are you gonna do? I would seriously freak out. I’ve never seen a snake but I have an unnatural fear of it.
@Southern Beale: OMG that’s tacky. Why would they do something like that?
trollhattan
@BGinCHI:
Moar puns! And crap, I typed “thing” instead of think. Heh, me, being ironic.
Poopyman
@Matt McIrvin: We’ve had a couple of instances where a small brown snake (probably a DeKay’s brown Snake)came up through the floor drain. After the second episode when Mrs. P discovered it I put a plug in the drain. Problem solved, except when we get water in the basement during a heavy rain, but that’s a different story.
Soonergrunt
It could be worse.
I’m not really sure about that, btw. I just thought I’d try to cheer you up.
ChrisNYC
Your house is like some wonderful fantasy Florida creation. From those great pictures of the outside that look all sultry and vegetated to now THIS! And the colorful chickens! I’m waiting for a gator reference.
Chris
I recommend investing in a mongoose or two or three.
(Even after they’re done with the snake, they’ll still be useful keeping out rats and stuff).
trollhattan
@Schlemizel:
Dunno, if said skin is boa constrictor-size….
One great feature of climate change, we’ll all be able to share Florida’s expertise with tropical diseases!
Napoleon
Greg Sargent is reporting Team Obama is already on the air with ads pointing out that Mitt was lying about his tax plan last night.
trollhattan
@Chris:
Actual true fact–they tried mongoose (mongeese? mongooses?) in Hawaii as a rat control. Now (at least on the Big Island) they have a mongoose problem and a rat problem. It seems there’s a day/night issue they didn’t consider.
Culture of Truth
GORE BLAMES LACK OF OXYGEN
“I’m going to say something controversial here,” Gore told Current TV. “Obama arrived in Denver at 2 pm today, just a few hours before the debate started. Romney did his debate prep in Denver. When you go to 5,000 feet and you only have a few hours to adjust, I don’t know.”
Conservatives are having a field day with this idea…
Joy
“covering himself in beagle shit and running through the streets bellowing doom and woe”. Best damn description of Andrew Sullivan I have ever seen!
Comrade Mary
I swear to God that I first read this as “That’s a big fucking foreskin!”
And then I read it again and didn’t know whether to be sad or relieved, because the prospect of Betty having a herd of European pool boys scuttling about her house and shedding as they go was both intriguing and unutterably creepy.
Comrade Mary
Yes! Brilliant!
(From the onlookers: “Light the beagle shit on fire! Light the beagle shit on fire!”)
trollhattan
@Culture of Truth:
If he were a starting point guard, Al might could have an idea there. Otherwise…not helpful, Al.
Smiling Mortician
@Culture of Truth: Yeah, well, not so much with the making excuses, Al. That’s not gonna make anything better.
donnah
Holy Shit, Betty!
* pauses to think of something more to say*
Holy Shit!
Ash Can
Eep! Is Poopyman right? Is it harmless? I’m not afflicted with any snake phobias, but I know that 1) they don’t belong in the house, and 2) if they bite, they really, really, really don’t belong in the house.
Speaking of house pests, I’m patting myself on the back for ridding our house of mice almost entirely through live trapping. (The husband finally put his foot down and borrowed his mother’s electrified traps. One mouse got fried, but it turned out to be the last one in the house.)
Now, whether tossing mice out into the big bad world to fend for themselves is more humane than zapping them, I’m not so sure. We have cats and hawks in the neighborhood, as well as the odd fox and coyote on occasion, so the mice around here might as well have supermarket bar codes tattooed on their little heinies. Nevertheless, it makes far more sense to me for a mouse to end up as somebody’s meal than for it to be killed in a trap, regardless of how humane the trap may be, and simply shit-canned.
General Stuck
It’s the end I tells ya, the bitter end!
Eric U.
who cares about Al Gore?
The snakeskin is actually causing me to freak out, unlike the debate. A snake got into my mother’s house in Virginia, and somehow managed to get inside an electronic (music) keyboard. Someone turned it on to play, and smoke emitted. Ruined the snake’s day too.
Anya
Old man Sununu calling the president “lazy,” “disengaged,” and “incompetent.” Does the Romney campaign believe that Sununu’s anrgy old man routine helps them?
Romney campaign says Obama will lose next debate because he’s ‘not that bright’
NCSteve
Notwithstanding all the blase “oh, it’s just a black snake” and “what are you crying about, this one time I had a nets of velociraptors take up in my basement in Florida” onupsmanship, I have a question:
Am I to understand you saw that thing and yet you’re still living in this house?
It’s not a phobia. I just fucking hate ’em with every fast twitch muscle and quick firing neuron in my body, that’s all.
The Dangerman
@Soonergrunt:
I thought is was something ribbed for pleasure (that could qualify as better, I suppose).
To Obama, whomever set the economy as the first debate did him no favors; by far, that’s the area where he is most exposed. Romney peaked last night; it’s all going down on him from here.
karen marie
@Schlemizel: Yeah, try Arizona. Fucking rattlesnakes, tarantulas, scorpions, coyotes, javelinas, not to mention THE GOD DAMN CACTUS EVERYWHERE.
Chris
@trollhattan:
I didn’t know that about Hawaii, I’d heard it about the British in Jamaica though, which is what I was referencing.
A “mongoose problem”? Is that like a raccoon problem, with them going through trash and stealing food and stuff?
Seanly
@Culture of Truth:
Umm, while I greatly respect Gore, altitude sickness doesn’t start until around an altitude of 8000 feet. I think the trouble brewing in Turkey was a factor. Plus he may have been caught off guard by the new Mitt.
Chris
@NCSteve:
And thus the plot of Jurassic Park IV is born…
? Martin
You want an expanding rigid foam that contains capsaicin. It’s a bit hard to find, though. If you have the tools to spray a two-part poly foam (unlikely) you can make your own or you can try buying some cayenne pepper, putting it in a flexible plastic bottle that allows you to ‘puff’ some out the end, and then using a standard rigid foam found at HD or wherever. You puff some into the hole or gap, fill it with foam, and then puff some more on the still tacky surface. It’ll be orange, but you can trim it clean and then paint it when it sets. Any exterminator should have it and be able to apply it if you don’t want to bother yourself. Getting some of the spots around the eves and roof can be a real challenge.
Snakes won’t eat through normal foam but mice and rats and other such vermin will, and they’ll leave a nice snake-sized hole behind them. The capsaicin is there to stop the mice. It works best as a two person operation – someone on the inside in the attic, basement, etc. with a good strong flashlight (do it on a cloudy day or when the sun isn’t directly where you’re working) who can help show the person on the outside where the gaps might be. Be methodical – start in one place and work your way carefully around.
Doors and windows are really just weatherstripping. That’s easy.
trollhattan
@Chris:
Turns out, they eat practically anything and only incidentally, rats. They’re established on four of the islands, and the state notes the following:
I did not know about Puerto Rico.
Mnemosyne
Snakes don’t really bother me, but I will run and shriek like a little girl if a spider (or anything that vaguely resembles a spider) is anywhere near me.
My biggest fear when we went to Hawaii was that I would see one of these freaky venomous motherfuckers and faint on the spot. Why should I be afraid of mere snakes when there are foot-long venomous worms WITH LEGS running around in this world?
burnspbesq
If that snake sticks around long enough you’ll eventually get a pair of handmade snakeskin boots out of the deal.
japa21
@Anya: I don’t mind that. I have a feeling the Romney camp is going to go into the next debate really overconfident. Plus, Obama is already out there talking about the real Romney vs the debate Romney.
I fully expect this to be slipped into the next debate somehow.
And as The Dangerman pointed out, if there was any debate Romney was primed to win, it would have been last night’s. And I am not so sure that Romney did win it in the area it counts, public opinion.
Rosalita
well, Florida. It’s a fucking wildlife preserve in every home. My personal favorite was finding the cat with half a skink (the tail god knows where) cruising around in the morning. I feel much safer in the northeast thank-you-very-much.
At first I thought Bounce was making fruit flavored dryer sheets…
The Snarxist Formerly Known as Kryptik
@Mnemosyne:
No lie, I’m severely arachnophobic to the point even pictures of spiders make me feel nauseous.
dr. bloor
@trollhattan: Or a debate moderator.
Now I remember why it was close enough for him to lose in court in 2000.
me
I looked around and am surprised no one’s made a “Liars for Romney” bumper sticker.
Omnes Omnibus
@trollhattan: Bears or wolves would take care of that.
@General Stuck: Skewed!
@Soonergrunt: It could be raining.
/Igor (It’s pronounced eye-gor)
p.a.
I found a large snakeskin (20+ inches) in the cellar of a farmhouse I was working in. Showed my coworker and asked him if we should show the homeowner (female). To paraphrase, he said ‘pal, if my wife saw that in our house, the For Sale sign would be on the lawn by nightfall. Put it back and don’t say a word.’
Anya
@japa21: It’s not insulting to the president because it a stupid lie but it diminishes them. Romney is constantly whining about personal insults (like asking for his tax plan) yet his drunk uncle surrogate is calling the president names on national teevee.
tBone
@NCSteve:
No shit. Spiders, mice, bats, lizards, dingos, feral rabbits, children – there are almost no common household pests that bother me overmuch. But if I found something like that in my house, all you’d see is a puff of dust and a “For Sale” sign appearing out of nowhere on the front lawn.
General Stuck
Lizard and snakes? Pffft! I run a boarding house for them. Some are even friends.
Rosalita
@Chris:
yeah but they’d likely raise hell with her chickens too
R-Jud
@Mnemosyne:
We get pretty big spiders. If I spot one I just grab my cat Quinn and point her at it. Of course, this backfired one morning when I picked her up to give her a cuddle, and there were legs sticking out of her mouth.
What really squicks me are the giant slugs. I was working in the garden this weekend and lifted a board, and there were at least twenty of the fuckers under there, all a good 3″ long. And then yesterday, I came downstairs at about 5:00 in the dark and stepped on one in the kitchen. I was barefoot.
Eeeeeuuughhhhaaaaaack.
Just Some Fuckhead
Here’s some advice for the Obama campaign. Buy a domain, call it MittsDebateLies and liveblog the next debate with sourced refutations of everything he says.
Make sure everyone knows about the site beforehand, and afterwards.
JPL
Betty, Thanks for the post. You managed to take my mind off the election for awhile.
Just Some Fuckhead
Just buy a cat Crackerlady.
Anonymous At Work
The snake isn’t in your unmentionables, it’s in HIS unmentionables, and porn stash, and curled up inside his favorite recliner, etc. Get him to think about accidentally stepping or laying on the snake. That’s the key.
schrodinger's cat
Speaking of wild critters at home, this post makes me think of Gerald Durrell and his My family and other animals. Betty Cracker are you sure that the snake is not one of your teenager’s pets?
catclub
@Nicole: At first glance, it is a good thing to have snakes that eat the mice.
However, predator species rarely actually drive the population of the prey species to zero. So the best solution for humans is no mice and no snakes. It is slightly fortunate that snakes but no mice should be pretty rare.
PeakVT
House centipedes are the only critters that bother me. I never encountered one before my current home, which is newish but wasn’t sealed well along the sill plate. Damn things are turbo-charged so they’re hard to swish. I suck them up with a vacuum when I have one cornered.
catclub
@me: I think the right tone is “Butlers for Romney”. People will not be quite sure whether you are for or against, and then will remember he’s a gazillionaire asshole.
The Moar You Know
@Anonymous At Work: Throw in a line about “bitten testicles” and he’ll be the one setting the house on fire to get the thing out.
JWL
I recognize the type of snake by its skin. Stay calm, but be warned the clock is ticking.
Once a nest has been established, those “baby snakes”, when fully matured, will seek out warm blooded prey on which to feed. They invariably strike while their victims sleep.
Tick-tock, tick-tock… (ha ha, just kidding).
njorl
There’s nothing to worry about. Most snake venom induces very little anxiety before it kills you.
ericblair
@me:
Ya mean “Wealthy Well-Endowed Liars for Romney”. Around here in lovely tropical Northern Virginia, there are Romney signs around but only in front of big McMansions. Don’t know if that really helps the whole effort.
I dunno about the mongooses, but you could always try honey badgers. That might work.
schrodinger's cat
@Just Some Fuckhead: Not necessary, I hear Tunch is available on loan, he will make short work of any snake. You had a snake but I eated him.
trollhattan
@R-Jud:
Did somebody say, “spider”/
http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/small/0810/clock-spider-gdd-tak-demotivational-poster-1225149110.jpg
farmette
Last year I was cleaning out the back seat of my van (boxes, newspaper because I am always at garage sales and such). I lifted a pile of newspaper and there was a 3 1/2 foot snake skin! In the van! I had a bad case of jitters as I drove it to the garage in town to find out how the hell a snake had gotten in and out of the van. Turns out there was a small hole in the wheel well that let mice in and the snake followed. The skin belonged to a pretty large Rat snake. We have lots of them around here.
Nora
You might want to find out what kind of snake that is before you go crazy. Most snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them, and are harmless to people.
I just know that if my daughter (23 years old) saw that picture, she would want to tear the house apart to find the snake, so she could take it home as a pet. True story.
Cliff in NH
@R-Jud:
Put out some beer to drown the slugs.
https://www.google.com/search?q=beer+slug
Barry
Just set up some large pickle jars, drop the snake into one of them, fill it with wine, and pickle it.
Then grill it next summer.
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
R-Jud
@Cliff in NH: We’ve done that around our garden plants, which helps, although my husband was initially loath to use beer up.
hep kitty
Holeee crap! What a pleasant discovery O.O
hep kitty
@PeakVT: I get those too, very occasionally – I just grab it with a paper towel and throw it in the trash, but then mine are only about an inch or so long
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
My husband came home yesterday with the tale of coworkers having found four copperheads in various places around the building, one curled up behind the trashcan in the cafeteria and another in one of the men’s bathrooms. Unfun surprises.
Tom_23
88 comments and no one mentioned the Turtleman
Grumpy Code Monkey
A few months ago my sister woke up in the middle of the night to let one of the dogs out to potty, and when she got back to her bedroom discovered that she had spending the night with not one but two copperheads sleeping in the bedroom with her, one of which was curled up on nightstand next to the bed.
That has a way of focusing the mind.
Fortunately one of her neighbors is snake-savvy and a day trader who wakes up with the London market, so he was able to come over and catch them for her. And of course, her worry wasn’t about herself, but the dogs, who, to be blunt, ain’t the brightest bulbs in the string.
Yutsano
Sic the hens on it! Chickens are omnivore predators and loves them some ground lizard!
FedSec
Now, where is that “everybody calm the fuck down, I got this” graphic?
LAC
Oh, fuckadoodle!! The scream that my hubby would have heard would outdo any scream in a horror movie. Betty, an internet hug is coming your way.
NCSteve
@Chris: Traditionally, snakes are the only thing southern men are allowed to be afraid of, so if you have it, its a fear that carries a lot of freight.
Though I think maybe clowns were added to the permissible fear list about the time that picture of John Wayne Gacy finally broke through into popular culture.
Which is good, because yeah. Clowns. Eep.
PeakVT
@hep kitty: I did that once (squish, not swish) but were there a bunch of legs left over. Bleh.
Paul in NC
The reason the snake is in your cabinet is because there are mice in your cabinet. (Been there, except when I opened the cabinet it was a live snake staring at me).
Get rid of the mice and the snake will go away. Or better yet, just leave the snake alone and the mice will mysteriously disappear.
Mary Brown
It’s a black snake, he/she is one of the good guys-don’t hurt it. I’ve found 3 skins in my basement (from the same snake I think) also a little over 5 feet long. Quite cool. Rarely see the snake and never see any mice.
JustAnotherBob
@Poopyman:
Flapper valve. Lets water go down but other stuff not up.
feebog
Heh, we have construction going on at our house (expanding the master bedroom and bath). Yesterday as the crew was getting ready to pour concrete my dog trotted up very proudly carrying a recently deceased gray tree rat. I had to explain to the crew that 1. no, the rat was not alive and no way the dog caught it as rats are superfast and my dog is very slow and, 2. we have orange trees and tree rats are quite common around here.
Carnacki
Best debate analysis ever
burnspbesq
@Rosalita:
We have plenty of lizards in SoCal as well. Laettner thinks they are the coolest toys evah.
Mnemosyne
@Grumpy Code Monkey:
If you have copperheads and not-very-bright dogs, talk to your vet about possibly getting them vaccinated against snakebite. It could be a lifesaver if one of the dogs does run into a snake at the wrong moment, but apparently the vaccine isn’t as effective against copperheads as it is against other venomous snakes.
Lojasmo
i don’t mind snakes. It’s the rest of Florida I can’t stand.
SiubhanDuinne
One word for all you snake- and mice-infested people.
ANTS.
They have been awful this year. I don’t mind the odd, lost, solitary ant, but this year they have swarmed across bookshelves and all along doorjambs and in the bathroom sink and tub. Just long wriggling focussed determined lines of ANTS.
I think they’re pretty harmless but I DUZ.NOT.LIEKZ.THEM.
Tehanu
omg siubhanduinne, us too, although now that the weather has cooled down some they seem to have gone (oh please God, make them have gone!) Yes, I know they’re harmless but it’s just nasty looking down and seeing a boiling swarm of black ants on your cabinet door.
and Betty, you’re a better, er, person than I, Gunga Din. I’d still be screaming. I found a possum in our garage once and screamed so loud my husband thought I was being murdered.