This blog is a record of my failures as well as my triumphs:
Q. YOUR BIAS
Your making fun of Mitt Romney’s zingers — which have the potential to be game-changing home runs that hit reset on the election — just goes to show you have teh liberal bias. It’s bad enough that the Post polls are skewed so that they show Obama ahead when Romney is really ahead in an unskewed sample, now even the humor writers are taking sides. Would you consider doing a column making fun of Obama for using a telemprompter and wearing mom jeans? I doubt you would because you have liberal bias. And before you ask, I am no right-winger. I’m a non-partisan undecided moderate independent voter who may vote for Obama depending on what happens at the debate. I’d just like to see more balance from people like you.
– October 02, 2012 11:11 AM Permalink
A. ALEXANDRA PETRI :
Wait, sir or madam non-partisan-undecided-moderate-independent-voter-who-may-vote-for-Obama-depending-on-what-happens-at-the-debate, if you exist, I think literally everyone at the Post has questions for you, so please stay put. We have several political reporters out scouring the earth for you, and they have come back convinced that you are a hen’s tooth!
A few questions:
Whom would you like to see captaining a ship?
What is your stance on carbon emissions?
Have you ever seen a unicorn?
What seta a game-changing home run that hits reset on the election apart from a regular game-changing home run? This seems like a critical distinction.
– October 02, 2012 11:19 AM
Cassidy
They can’t all be base hits. You went to far with the desciption. “Independent Moderate” would have made them squeal with delight.
trollhattan
Uh, wow. Game, set and match?
I may not survive the day, what with the Bobo skewerings, the McMegan sinkings, et al. And it’s not even noon.
Cris (without an H)
“teh” was an ugly tell.
Warren Terra
Fair is fair, Doug. Answer her questions.
Roger Moore
You may not have fooled them, but the result was still pretty damn funny. It usually is when somebody gets pwned that badly.
Steve
Petri 2, DougJ 0.
Cris (without an H)
Also, because you cornered Petri so magnificently with the classic “post-punk David Broder” encounter, my reflexive underdog sympathy is getting a secret thrill out of watching her punch back.
catclub
I think Alexandra is tracking IP addresses of her likely trolls.
Maybe she has a spreadsheet.
Are you using an onion router?
Forum Transmitted Disease
You need a new proxy, Doug.
Quincy
I think she’s having almost as much fun with this as yourself. You guys should date.
ranchandsyrup
Yeah, dial it back some Doug. Just say you’re an undecided independent.
kc
At least now they know they are being mocked. I call that a win!
Metrosexual Manichean Monster DougJ
@Steve:
Petri 2, DougJ 1.
I got her on post-punk David Broder.
dmbeaster
So much for being Ms Moderate Undecided. No one with any sense of balance believes this.
Bort
Mom jeans and teleprompters? Seriously, they need to get some new material.
Culture of Truth
NOTHING TO SEE HERE
Cassidy
@Metrosexual Manichean Monster DougJ: She pegged you pretty quickly, though. Didn’t she fling that one back?
SatanicPanic
Get a room already!
different-church-lady
Face it dude: she’s got too much of a sense of humor for your normal stuff. You’re gonna have to pitch around that.
Plus there’s no way in hell you can say “liberal bias” and “independent voter” in the same context and have anyone in the village believe you. That was a meatball over the heart of the plate.
Spatula
So, ummm…you didn’t answer her/his/its questions.
Funny that.
catclub
OT: Apparently Steve Pearlstein is making an effort to make the WAPO readable.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/i-am-a-job-creator-a-manifesto-for-the-entitled/2012/09/28/756f2e90-07ee-11e2-858a-5311df86ab04_story.html
Entitlement. You are soaking in it.
JWL
Mom jeans? What the hell are mom jeans?
Omnes Omnibus
@Metrosexual Manichean Monster DougJ: That was a bases-loaded walk-off homer.
sviscusi
Well have you?
Maude
OT Issa and company are asking the State Department about requests for more security from the consulate in Libya before the attack.
This is going to be interesting.
hueyplong
If Romney is ahead in unskewed poll, why aren’t right wingers advising him to dial it down and take no chances in these debates, the better to protect his lead and avoid game changing moments?
Isn’t it Obama who has to attempt dangerously risky Hail Marys at this point, or is the party line that Affirmative Action Obama is too stupid to know he’s actually behind?
Every time I try to follow a right wing theme, it runs head on into a whine on another topic and results in disorientation.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
We’re gonna need a bigger bridge.
Mnemosyne
I think someone tipped her off that you were going to be stopping by. Maybe it was Paul Krugman since we know he reads B-J.
mistermix
She’s just looking for something new. I said it once before, but it bears repeating.
Culture of Truth
She’s on to you. Time to double down.
Cassidy
@Mnemosyne: Hell, I’m starting to think she reads BJ.
Mark
@JWL: They’re what hipster girls wear. (Full circle baby…)
Lurking Canadian
I second both “she’s on to you” and “get a room”. It’s getting like an episode of Moonlighting or Castle up in here.
Southern Beale
You know that post a couple days ago where whomever it was wondered what phony identifier the media would come up as this year’s NASCAR dad, Joe Six Pack, Security Mom, etc.??
Friend just sent me this, it’s voting habits/party affiliation by radio format. I’m sure we can cobble something together from this.
dmsilev
@Lurking Canadian: You do have to admit that it’s an unusual foreplay technique.
Culture of Truth
WTF ??
In 2006, Bain and another private equity firm, Blackstone Group, bought Michael’s Stores, an arts and crafts chain, for $6 billion, much of it borrowed. The company struggled, however, as its debt skyrocketed with the deal and its sales stagnated.
In early 2009, apparently recognizing an opportunity, Bain and Blackstone set out to purchase some of the stores’ debt at a steep discount. They spent $28.6 million to acquire about $193.6 million in Michael’s debt, going through what was essentially a shell corporation set up in Luxembourg, Ursa Funding.
In late 2009 and early 2010, Ursa sold the Michael’s Stores notes for nearly $200 million, giving Bain a hefty profit.
Jamey
@Metrosexual Manichean Monster DougJ: And we’ll always have that, DougJ!
different-church-lady
@dmsilev:
Doesn’t anyone date anymore?
Maude
@Culture of Truth:
WE have a Michaels here. It is next to what was Borders. The store is very large and there’s no way sales are high enough to support it.
Romney is stupid. And evil.
jacy
When’s the post-coital pillow fight?
Lurking Canadian
@Culture of Truth: How do they do these things? What does that even mean? If I borrow a bunch of money to buy a car, I don’t get to sign the debt over to the car. Why does Romney get to sign it over to the company he bought with it?
Then he bought up a bunch of debt that was owed to…himself for pennies on the dollar, then turned around and sold it to somebody else for dollars on the dollar? Who was the sucker who bought it at face value?
And most importantly, what does any of this have to do with making, distributing and selling craft supplies? Even Zombie Ayn Rand is looking at this guy going, “Shit, dude. At least Hank Reardon made actual stuff.”
General Stuck
Petri is a villager, but she seems quite clever, and so I will read her WAPO swill since it is served with some sassy smart.
Have you seen a unicorn? Typical clueless pundits, asking silly questions when I have one currently grazing in the back yard on wild arugula.
gussie
Foul. She’s watching for your internet address thingie. You’ve gotten away with more’n that.
Gin & Tonic
@dmsilev: Ever seen a Tracy-Hepburn movie?
Napoleon
@Cassidy:
Doug linked back to her. Isn’t there something on her end that is going to show her who has linked to her and all she would need to do is follow it and figure out from a thread like this what is up? She could have done that the very first time and been on to Doug.
NonyNony
Dude you pushed it too far – putting this:
Next to this
is like jumping up into her face and screaming “HI I’M A TROLL! I HAVE NEON HAIR AND A BULBOUS NOSE! LOOK AT ME I’M A TROLL!!!! WHEEEEE!!!!!”
“Unskewed polls” is a worse tell than going to far with the non-partisan, undecided moderate independent who might vote for Obama. It’s like you took a dive, DougJ.
Culture of Truth
@Lurking Canadian:
Ursa bought the debt, so that makes it different. I guess, I’m confused too. Also, this:
Around the time the debt was purchased, Michael’s balance sheet made it “insolvent” for tax purposes. Under I.R.S. rules, instead of paying taxes on cancellation of debt income, insolvent companies lose other tax benefits, like the ability to deduct depreciation. By using Ursa to buy the debt, according to documents and tax lawyers, Bain potentially preserved tax benefits worth more than $50 million to Michael’s bottom line.
Cassidy
@Napoleon: Ummm…purple. I know which buttons turn the glowing screen google box on.
That aside, I would imagine that’s too…simple for a villager. Wouldn’t ego demand that they read what is written about them from?
Steeplejack
@MMM DougJ:
Maybe she and her minions have been able to tag you by your IP address? Perhaps it’s time for some Burn Notice/White Collar countermeasures.
Just Some Fuckhead
Nothing about bacon? That’s a dead giveaway.
Xenos
@Culture of Truth: So they found a buyer for the crap debt. Unless we know something about the buyer, what is there to make of this story?
Suffern ACE
@Maude: Oh, whatever happened to those fine Wyly brothers who owned Michael’s. I believe they ended up being accused of fraud. I also thought they were big time donors to right wing causes. Nice bunch, that clan.
Jim, Foolish Literalist
@Lurking Canadian: You obviously missed the thread where DougJ said he’s just a Sam Malone with PhD, searching for his Diane. If you’re old enough to remember Moonlighting, you must remember Cheers.
You make me crazy!
I hate you!
Are you as turned on as I am?
More!
chopper
never go full retard, son.
The Tragically Flip
I think you may have succeeded in teaching her something. I don’t follow her, has her writing on acutal politics improved? I’m guessing not since you’re still trolling her, but if she’s figured out that moderate-independent voters who are truly undecided are the rarest species on earth is some kind of progress.
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
@different-church-lady: That’s it exactly. MMMDougJ will need to pitch around that, which isn’t gonna be as easy as his usual stuff. But the score is PETRI – 2; DOUGJ – 1, and as described by Omnes.
JGabriel
@Cassidy:
Seconded. Of course, if so, that’s kind of a win.
.
Cassidy
@JGabriel: WOOOOOOOO! Recognition. Yeah.
? Martin
@Lurking Canadian:
Nothing.
Look, the largely unregulated financial sector is geared for this stuff. It’s trivially easy to play both sides of a transaction – even for regular joes. And it’s pretty handy for little guys for hedging, etc., but when you have enough cash to play with, you can take national brands down without much effort. Issue debt to yourself, reform that debt – make it look really good – then spread it out and sell it to even larger firms that buy so much of it they can’t scrutinize every bit of (mutual funds, etc.) and then default. You’ve gotten your money out of the deal with the debt issuance, and if you reformed the debt well, you’ll make even more when you sell it off. All you need is a unknowing accomplice at a rating agency – who you’re paying, btw.
But there’s no money to be made selling arts and crafts. Anyone who’s been in a Michaels should see that easy enough. It’s a understaffed shithole, where every customer is armed with 75% off coupons for $3 items that they feel is overpriced. This is our bottom feeder consumer economy laid most bare. The only money to be made in an outfit like Michaels is to grift investors. It’s not much different than a front company for the mob, or drug dealers, etc.
Be thankful Bain isn’t one of the big hedge funds who could do real harm.
Lurking Canadian
@? Martin: The dream of the alchemists is finally realized.
Redshift
@hueyplong: Declaring both that Romney is “really” ahead and that he can “turn it around” makes one suspect that they don’t believe their own bullshit as much as they profess to.
schrodinger's cat
Romney wears Mom jeans also.
jibeaux
Well, I’m just going to say that she’s cute, DougJ, nice looking and sort of girl next door-y, and the column about Romney zingers had a certain charm that was approaching, if not reaching, Sarah Vowell, and that I think you ought to ask her out somewhere post-punk.
Culture of Truth
@schrodinger’s cat: Yeah, you should’ve thrown in something about Obama golfing and Banghazigate. Show you’ve put in the effort.
Randy P
@Spatula: I won’t mock you because I initially had the same confusion. The questioner is Doug. The non-answer is Alexandra Petri. So she’s the one who evaded. Doug is the one who threw all the talking points into a blender to produce an incoherent word salad.
Which, apparently, you took as an insightful question.
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
@Xenos: Actually, they set up a company to buy the debt so that Michael’s, the company they own, could continue to enjoy the tax rebates. So, they actually didn’t get rid of the debt, they just moved it somewhere else.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
@Culture of Truth:
__
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Culture of Truth
@ThatLeftTurnInABQ:
hip young republicans like that
55 year old47 yr old at the RNCArclite
@different-church-lady:
Not since the invention of the internet, apparently. WHich begs the question: where are all the babies coming from? I think we just haven’t realized that we’ve been enslaved by the machines, and the babies are all grown in pods underground, Matrix style.
Culture of Truth
where are all the babies coming from?
Christian academies
Cassidy
@jibeaux: @Culture of Truth: Makes you wonder if MMMDJ has a crush or something and couldn’t bring himself to do it?
How the hell are we supposed to grind the Real Merkins in the Heartland under our jackboots with the New Black Panther Party if MMMDJ is getting soft on us?
eemom
What puerile shit writing for a columnist at a major newspaper.
(Why yes, I am in an exceptionally bitchy mood today….why do you ask?)
Cassidy
Is it a day ending in -day already?
Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
1badbaba3
DougJ; imp or scamp?
You decide.
Mike E
@Metrosexual Manichean Monster DougJ: Hit her with “The Chair” and all the known unknowns it represents!
reflectionephemeral
Yeah, gotta change up the approach here. You’re doing fine David Brooks or Charles Lane trollbait, but that’s not what works for her.
Alas, I don’t read her enough to know what might work.
Culture of Truth
oh she’s an actual humor columnist
comrade scott's agenda of rage
@Randy P:
Exactly. Careful followers of the Kaplan Test Prep Daily stenographers who’ve done chats over the years will note that Petri is carefully trained to be glib and never actually answer a question. This response was classic. It’s something the likes of old Bacon Bits Jr, the Dick Whisperer and any of the bevy of 30-something female political reporters who’s names escape me at the moment would have said in a similar situation.
jibeaux
@Cassidy: Do not underestimate reproduction. Manichean Monster Quiverful Movement, represent!
Violet
@SatanicPanic:
My thought exactly.
Doug, you need a new proxy. And dial it down a bit. You sound like a stereotype. And definitely no “teh”. Try misspelling some other word, like auto-fill messed it up.
David in NY
@NonyNony: Yup. Commenters who talk about “unskewed polls,” etc., don’t even bother to claim to be “independent moderates.”
His reach exceeded his grasp.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
@Violet:
Lettuce pray that Obamacare won’t drive up the cost of bacon any father. My BLT is too expansive already – a hungary voter.
WarMunchkin
You were way way way too obvious on that one.
and I second the calls of the commentariat that you two should fuck. Call it readership capture.
...now I try to be amused
@WarMunchkin:
Or fan service.
Tractarian
@chopper:
Win.
Also too, this may have been a trolling fail, but it’s still amusing. So, keep it up.
penpen
@Quincy: The secret reason for all those Sam and Diane/opaque New York gritty love song ruminations recently…
Violet
@ThatLeftTurnInABQ: Ha. Funny. And, exactly the kind of thing I was thinking of.
jackmac
Wait a second — doesn’t Mitt Romney also use a teleprompter and wear mom jeans?
See, BOTH SIDES DO IT!
TG Chicago
Why are you bothering to troll an unknown humor writer anyway? You’re reaching for low-hanging fruit and you’re not even grabbing it. Set your sights higher, so at least if you succeed, it’ll be worth it.
chrismealy
DougJ, I score that a win. You’re getting in their heads. Keep it up!