It’s gettin’ kinda silly.
Not much new to report. We drove through the tunnel that separates West Virginny and Virginny. I announced that I would try to hold my breath the way we woodwind nerds did back when I went on road trips with the Philadelphia Youth Orchestra in high school. I don’t have the lung capacity that I did back then (when I played the clarinet), but I think I would’ve made it if the Cranky White Guy hadn’t started slowing down in an effort to make me pass out. ::shakes fist at front seat::
We’re still rocking the First Wave Sirius channel. JG is yelling at it to play some more New Order. I don’t think it’s sentient, but who knows — I’m in a car with John Cole, so clearly the normal rules have flown right out the window. Up is down. Black is white. Cats and dogs living together. It’s sheer madness.
Oh, and John Cole forgot his pants at home. D’oh! I have confirmed that he is wearing shorts and not driving Miss Crazy in his underwear… Yet.
You’re welcome.
Mr Stagger Lee
I hope you bought a taser just in case. :-)!!!
gogol's wife
I like the rest stop policy. Usually men aren’t that considerate.
khead
Y’all are through the East River Mountain tunnel?
So much for suggesting y’all stop at Southern XPosure.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
You blocked The Cuse? Spill, please.
Peter
ABL’s friend seems far too nice to be in that car. I want to hear her opinion on the shenanigans.
Yutsano
Heh. Clarinet players. If you want real lung power try an oboe.
The Dangerman
I’m calling commando (you don’t have to check for us).
beltane
This would make a great movie. Maybe Clint Eastwood could direct.
Ann Rynd
Silly, I guess, is code for schizoid, batshit, certifiable. The driver with no face, the silent woman in the back seat, the ten ABL stalkers hidden in the trunk. The radio. I wish I was with youse guys.
Hungry Joe
Epic potential here. Just epic.
taylormattd
I asked for video, and you have figured it out! Woo Hoo! And ABL, do not let Cole browbeat you into posting no more videos. It’s his own fault for agreeing to go on this trip. So fuck him.
Randy P
ABL, you’re going to have trouble sustaining that “A” image. I was already half in love with you from your writing, and now that I know you’re cute as hell I’ll have that image to go with the writing and… well… it just detracts from the whole Angry thing.
Still, you do a heckuva rant when you get going. I think one of my all time favorites was the hyperlink to your blog when you got tired of certain trolls complaining about crosslinking. So you have that going for you.
(To the wife: I meant that “half in love” in a purely literary and non-romantic sense of course)
Quarks
Am I the only person worried about how Heather is going to survive this? People will be getting her booze at the DNC, right? Right?
Larkspur
Jeepers, ABL, you sure are pretty.
Forgot his pants. Does that mean you have to take him shopping? We’ll need pix.
sylvan
JG?
khead
@Yutsano:
Saxophone/trombone/tuba. Bitches!
I just took a deep breath. Heh.
joel hanes
Cole is simply observing Stitzer’s Vacation Principle:
First, carefully choose all the clothes you’ll need for the trip, and estimate how much money you need to spend.
Second, put back half of those clothes, and take twice as much money.
Protip: next time, the clothes left behind should not be all of any one category e.g. pants.
khead
Pfffft.
Pants can be bought anywhere.
Not that I would know.
Just sayin….
Violet
I knew there was a reason I liked John Cole. Does he know that The Hacienda is now a bunch of flats?
RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist
Future generations (and lawyers?) may scrutinize these video documents in an attempt to determine What the Hell Happened. And you’re seeing it all here more or less live. Except the peeing. So far.
JenJen
Road Trip!! Ya’ll are straight crazy.
Yutsano
@khead: I marched tuba in college. Now THAT takes lung power.
smintheus
Applying Ryan’s rounding down metric (RDM), that puts the official unemployment rate at a little under 6%…let’s call it 5%. So what’s the big deal about it?
And applying his RDM to the federal debt, it comes in at about 12 Trillion in 2012, or just a bit less. But it stood at 11.9 Trillion in the year Obama took office. So again, what’s the big deal?
arguingwithsignposts
if he was really hip, he’d be screaming for Joy Division /hipster
do these people have any credentials? or is this just “make shit up as you go along”?
khead
@Yutsano:
Yes it does. That is awesome.
I gave it all up after high school but I played the instruments I listed up til then. Lotta fun…
Warren Terra
Don’t stop here – this is bat country.
Litlebritdifrnt
I have just been speaking to my Mum and trying to explain to her that I am following the epic road trip of the white male ex-army virtual recluse from Virginia and the black female ex-attorney socialite (sort of) from LA and how much fun it is. I think it may have gone over her head or something.
PurpleGirl
You need a new category for this thread and the other ones so far — 2012 DNC Road Trip
ETA: These road trip threads are so funny… I’m not minding being stuck at home after falling the other day and having trouble walking.
Violet
@Litlebritdifrnt:
West Virginia. West by God Virginia.
Edit: Forgot to add that I read this:
as “whale”. Is that appropriate?
gnomedad
Cole’s still using the old “I forgot my pants” line?
gnomedad
@PurpleGirl:
I like “AngryCranky2012”.
sylvan
@Yutsano:
I was just thinking of the oboe today.
Specifically Andy McKay’s intro to Out Of The Blue.
PurpleGirl
@gnomedad: That works. We need something that is a little more specific than “open thread.”
Litlebritdifrnt
@Violet:
Sorry, I did tell her West Virginia and she said “from the John Denver song?” and then “isn’t that where they all have no teeth because of Mountain Dew?” I love my mum.
Spaghetti Lee
Oh, and John Cole forgot his pants at home.
Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?!
RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist
@sylvan:
How many rock bands had an oboe player? I can come up with exactly one.
quannlace
ABL, you got some pur-ty eyes.
Forgot his pants? A likely story.
Jennifer
No pants?
Reminds me of the golden era of Letterman, where he would go to the window at Rockefeller Center with a megaphone and interrupt the Today Show just to piss off Bryant Gumbel.
“ATTENTION LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: I AM NOT WEARING PANTS!”
Violet
@Litlebritdifrnt: Hilarious.
Mary G
Take lots of pictures and put them on another Balloon Juice calendar. I’d buy that.
dance around in your bones
Why does this remind me of this scene?
YellowJournalism
@Larkspur: Okay now I’m envisioning the tailor scene from Rainman. K-Mart sucks.
Comrade Mary
@sylvan: THANK YOU! One of the songs I used to love but never had a copy of. Rectified.
@RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist: Well, there was this one. Not a rock band, but still, one of their greatest songs.
PurpleGirl
@sylvan: From John Griffin Cole
ETA: ABL called him JG in the previous post and someone posted the meaning in comments.
Louise
My lord, this is going to be fun.
Corner Stone
@gnomedad:
No shit. That’s almost as passe as the old “Stopping Short” move.
Someone warn Heather to watch for that if they get near traffic.
Corner Stone
For some reason, during the entire RNC Convention I kept hearing Stabbing Westward songs playing in my head.
This road trip has the awesome potential to completely blow that crazy psycho stalker vibe right the FUCK out of the water.
SiubhanDuinne
@smintheus:
Between Ryan’s RDM and McMegan’s Magic Calculator, there’s not a number in the entire Universe I can trust.
Schlemizel
I apologize for not crediting the person who first pointed it out here on BJ but Willard has had more than his eyes done. I am going to split this post in hopes of sneaking past WP
Here are two before pictures taken a few years ago:
http://www.biography.com/imported/images/Biography/Images/Profiles/R/Mitt-Romney-241055-4-402.jpg
http://mjcdn.motherjones.com/preset_51/romney-grinning-big.jpg
Schlemizel
PART THE 2
Here are the after pictures taken in the last 2 days:
http://i.i.com.com/cnwk.1d/i/tim/2012/08/30/Politics_0830_Romney_5PointPlan_480x360.jpg
http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1148302.1346365657!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/gallery_635/mitt-romney.jpg
Ann Rynd
@Violet:
“Whale”
I’m going to have to step in to keep order here. Civil tongues are a must. We are guests here.
(Funny though)
Ann Rynd
@Violet:
“Whale”
I’m going to have to step in to keep order here. Civil tongues are a must. We are guests here.
(Funny though)
Randy P
@SiubhanDuinne: You mean we’re getting close to inventing Bistromathics and interstellar travel?
Comrade Mary
@Schlemizel: Hmm. I don’t see much of a difference in the sets of pictures. His lines look deeper on the earlier pics, but that could be lighting, distance and focus. His eye baggage is more visible in recent pic (I can only see the second, not the first), but his semi-smiling expression in those earlier pics would emphasize the bags. Can’t see any improvement in jowls.
What differences do you see?
RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist
@sylvan:
I’m spinning a Liz Phair record now in honor of the weirdness going on somewhere in N. Carolina. I think it’s going to be Roxy Music next.
dance around in your bones
Ok, so did the site just die on the road to Charlotte?
Took, like, twenty years to refresh this page.
Yes, I am obsessed with this road trip.
Dee Loralei
52 comments in and no one’s mentioned that ABL is no longer rockin’ the green strapless shirt? Damn guys, I thunk better of you. HA!
Ann Rynd
@Violet: @Violet:
“Whale”
I’m going to have to step in to keep order here. Civil tongues are a must. We are guests here.
(Chuckles through fingers)
Violet
@Schlemizel: First picture of the new photos isn’t loading for me.
Corner Stone
@dance around in your bones: I blame Obama.
Corner Stone
SMU and the RGIII-less Fightin’ Baylor Wacoans about to kick off on Fox Sports.
rammalamadingdong
Thank you for the voice ABL. It was as I imagined.
dance around in your bones
@Corner Stone:
Natch. Gawd-damn Kenyansoshulist, trying to ruin our fun and destroy our freedoms.
Corner Stone
That first youtube screen cap is likely to haunt me for some time. Yikes.
“I will not be ignored here, Griffin!!”
maody
please pick me up in Pittsboro, NC if you don’t mind.
WaterGirl
@Dee Loralei: Wardrobe change at every rest stop.
TooManyJens
Cole even trolls his commenters/co-bloggers in person.
Ivan X
I am always yelling at any speaker to play more New Order.
celticdragonchick
Is there any chance of a Balloon Juice meet up during the convention? I live only an hour and change from Charlotte.
orygunian
@taylormattd: This.
Kane
We need a 24/7 ABL cam. If bears can have one…
TaMara (BHF)
It’s not a road trip until they make us this video.
I’m not so sure Cole and the no pants was an accident, he was twittering the other night about sitting on his deck in just a grey t-shirt.
RoonieRoo
I believe the AngryCranky roadtrip is on track to be my favorite set of posts in BJ history.
Corner Stone
@Kane:
I thought Cole was the bear.
PurpleGirl
ABL/Heather — Are either of you reading the thread?
Poopyman
@Mary G: Hmmm. This idea might have legs. Pantless legs, but legs nonetheless.
dance around in your bones
@Corner Stone:
Yes, he is the big fuzzy-wuzzy grumpy ‘ol bear.
Oh, wait….THAT kinda bear??
Yutsano
@khead: Awesomest tuba player I ever knew was a 4′ 6″ Ethiopian who works on Army helicopters. She threw the thing once. Your imagination can fill in the rest.
@sylvan: If I had to do it all over again I’d be the English horn player for the BBC National Orchestra of Wales. Holy crap they do some sweet solos.
Comrade Mary
@TaMara (BHF): Or they can use this one as inspiration. For example, John may have forgotten his pants, but he may have some cosplay supplies about.
Comrade Mary
@Comrade Mary: Just in case ABL gives John access to the iPad at the next pee break: this 20 year old redhead is for you, sweetie..
TaMara (BHF)
@Comrade Mary: That guy totally freaks me out.
Steeplejack
@Schlemizel:
Your first link in this comment draws a blank for me. (Address seems okay, but page is black.)
Linda Featheringill
@arguingwithsignposts: #24
I understand that ABL has credentials.
dance around in your bones
@Comrade Mary:
Ok, before I clicked on the link, I thought fer sure it would be Carrot Top.
‘Cause THAT guy totally freaks me out.
ETA: That guy reminds me of the Filipino disco band that used to work the Intercontinental Hotel in Kabul, back when we were thinking of ways to get really drunk and bypass the curfew. A very delicate process. The disco band was all we had. And the Johnny Walker.
Heather
@PurpleGirl: When I can, I catch up with the threads.
Was that a delicate way of asking whether I’d been butchered and fed to hogs, yet?
If so: not, yet. And in the interest of keeping it that way just a little bit longer, I feel compelled to point out that Cole is not pantsless; he is wearing shorts. He keeps making this cranky face when I cheerfully tell him about people making pants jokes here. So come on people, stop mocking the man’s britches. He just FORGOT OKAY? He is totes NOT PERVY! In fact, I’ll have you know he’s A TRUE GENTLEMAN and wants no truck with your gutter-pants-minds.
There, that should buy me another hour.
khead
BTW, while I’m trashing the I-77 corridor for traffic, I also wanted to be sure and thank the fine folks at Wythe Co. Community Hospital for keeping my old man alive last month.
See also, Bristol Regional Medical Center. They done real good too. :)
gbear
If ABL keeps making road trip videos, and JC keeps pulling in to every rest stop, I wouldn’t lose sight of the car if I was ABL.
PurpleGirl
@Heather: I was just wondering if you and ABL were following the thread, no ulterior motive. ‘Cause these threads are hilarious. (You and ABL are awesome for riding along with Cole.)
Comrade Mary
Thank you , Heather, for the update and the reassurance. But now I am thinking of John as Brick Top, and that totally freaks me out.
SiubhanDuinne
@Violet:
West by God you’d better smile when you say Virginia.
Corner Stone
I’m telling you people. Cole in kilt/2012!
Tony J
@Heather:
I man, yeah, I totally get it. Whenever I’ve been on a roadtrip to a national convention with two very easy on the eye ladies the last thing on my mind before I get into the car is “Do I have any pants?”.
Snacks, sure, but pants? Who worries about those?
Violet
The Eagle has landed again:
SiubhanDuinne
@Randy P:
You’ve nailed it! (BTW, that’s a wonderful site. Thanks.)
Yutsano
@Violet: The Carolinas may never recover. Bless their hearts. :)
Emma
Memo to self: no food, drink, or anything that can spill while reading about the Angry/Cranky road trip.
SiubhanDuinne
@Steeplejack: Same here. And I was really wanting to see Botoxed Rmoney.
JasonF
Speaking of silly, I got a call from Citizens United tonight. A gentleman named Frank played me a pre-taped message from Dick Morris about how Obama is “the biggest threat to America in decades” and that he “hates the way the country was founded.” Then Frank pitched me on contributing a hundred dollars to finance the distribution of a documentary about Obama.
So I asked him to tell me what the documentary was about. I mean, I get that Obama hates America and wants to destroy it, but what is the specific message the movie will tell me about how Obama makes America worse? What is he doing to make it worse?
Frank hemmed and hawed, then asked me to hold on. He was, I assume, looking through his materials for some information that might answer my questions. Then he told me that this would be like Michael Moore’s movie about Bush, but it would be honest.
“OK,” I replied. “I remember Moore’s movie. He was arguing that President Bush lied to get us into the Iraq War. He had a specific claim about something President Bush did wrong. What is this movie’s claim about Obama? Obviously, he hasn’t gotten us into any new wars. What has he done that’s so wrong? What does he want to do that’s so wrong?” Frank let me know that Obama wants to take away our freedoms and told me I could look on the Citizens United website.
So I told Frank “Look, there’s all sorts of websites I can check, but let’s cut to the chase. Forgive me if I’m getting personal, but you obviously feel strongly enough about this election to take your time on a Sunday night of a three day weekend to call strangers and ask them to support an effort to get President Obama out of office. Why? What freedoms have you or I lost? What is it that you or I could do in 2008 that we are no longer free to do today?”
Frank thanked me for my time and told me to have a nice evening. I did likewise and we parted company.
Lesson: Citizens United probably ought to spend a little time cross-checking its solicitation list against the FEC donor lists. They could have saved poor Frank from an uncomfortable conversation (uncomfortable for him, anyway — I had a great time) and maybe had him spend his time calling someone who would fall for his pitch.
The other lesson is that when my wife’s out of town and there’s nothing good on TV, I am easily entertained.
sylvan
@Yutsano:
Fair enough.
This guy is my favorite Welsh composer.
JPL
@JasonF: haha.. I received a call a month back from the same group. I wasn’t as patient as you because I said so I should vote for the guy that lies…
Violet
@JasonF: I recently got a call from a polling outfit. I wouldn’t have even picked up the phone, but the caller ID said, “Out of Area” and that’s what the phone says when the family in the UK calls, so I picked it up.
The call started with silence on the other end, with me saying, “Hello? Hello?” followed by the caller giggling on the other end of the line. Just as I was about to hang up the caller said, “Sorry about that” and asked to speak to a specific person in the house. I said, “Who should I say is calling?” and they gave me one polling outfit’s name and then said, “No, wait” and listed another one. At that point I hung up on them.
Talk about a bunch of amateurs.
dance around in your bones
@JasonF:
That is hysterical. Good on ya, mate!
PurpleGirl
@JasonF: Great story. Way to go giving the Citizens United dude what for. Gave me a good laugh.
RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist
@Emma:
Speaking of drink, ABL and CWG are both Scotch drinkers. I was going to retire early this evening but maybe I should hang in there for the festivities.
WaterGirl
@JasonF: @JPL: When I get calls like this, I play along like I’m a republican, only I’m just not convinced about Romney this time around.
I ask various questions to be sure to take up as much of their time as possible, and one time when I just wasn’t convinced that Romney is good for our country, the nice lady on the other end of the phone allowed as how she knew what I meant, she wasn’t excited about Romney, either. I said I kinda thought I might just sit this one out, and she allowed as how she might do the same.
Maybe she’ll stay home. I hope she’s in a swing state. :-)
gogol's wife
@JasonF:
You sound like me.
RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist
The last time I got robo-polled a few months ago there were strange questions about Michael Moore, Eminem, Kid Rock and other politically aligned musicians and artists. It was odd but I got through the whole thing. No idea what that was all about.
JasonF
@PurpleGirl: Well, like I said, my wife is out of town this weekend and there’s nothing good on TV, so if I amused myself for five or ten minutes and got a good story out of it, it’s a win.
But the real win will be if Frank hung up the phone and actually thought about the election. Thought beyond the slogans and the rhetoric and actually considered whether Obama has made the country worse and taken away his freedoms.
Who knows. Maybe Frank hates the idea of gay people serving honorably in the military, or he thinks it’s more important for people to be able to chose to be uninsured than it is to provide universal coverage, or he genuinely wants to lower taxes on the extremely wealthy. And if he has an honest conversation with himself, maybe he’ll come out of that conversation still supporting Mitt Romney.
But maybe, just maybe, he’ll rethink his opposition to Obama. Maybe he’ll realize that Obama hasn’t actually taken away his freedoms and made him worse off.
Spread the word to your liberal friends: if you get a call from the Romney campaign, or Citizens United, or one of Karl Rove’s groups, engage them. Be polite, be non-confrontational, be respectful, but try to engage them in a dialogue. Try to get them to explain why they oppose Obama. If they come at you with vague statements like “Obama wants to take away our freedom,” push for specifics. If they come at you with factual claims that aren’t true, (e.g. “Obama’s programs haven’t done anything to help the economy”) gently correct them: “Actually, I’ve read that the private sector has added more than 4 million jobs since President Obama was inaugurated.”
It takes patience and an even temper — the last thing you want to do is get in an argument with the person on the other end of the line — but who knows? If enough people do this, even if it only works on one caller out of a hundred, it will add up.
Rommie
1st Wave is one of my go-to XM channels, so +1 for that.
ABL
@PurpleGirl: i am reading them and laughing at the shenanigans!
Corner Stone
@RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist:
bow-chicka-bow…
No. Shit. I went the pr0n route last night. Dammit.
Corner Stone
All I know is that we should start a pool to determine who gives the first wedgie on the convention floor.
I’ve got $100 if it turns out to be RAHM.
MonkeyBoy
@taylormattd:
As much as some BJers think ABL and even Cole are sexy we really don’t need their fantasies played out, recorded, and distributed for the prurient.
Sandia Blanca
@JasonF:
JasonF, this is epic! Now I wish they would call me so I could use your script!
Schlemizel
sorry about the bad links – I checked them & they all worked for me before I posted. No biggie though.
PLH ~ NYC
Hey John:
You might want to check out this site for some awesome New Order concert files.
http://archive.new-order.net/
and
http://thepowerofindependenttrucking.blogspot.com/
and one last:
http://joydivision-neworder.blogspot.com/
and you might want to look at:
http://neworder-recycle.blogspot.com/
remastered JD/NO files.
Have fun at the convention.
sylvan
@RossInDetroit, Rational Subjectivist:
Two. Roy Wood played the oboe.
It wasn’t my Idea to Dance, and so on.
dexwood
OK, after a long, serious day, this made me laugh. Thank you.
russell
philly girl!!
Nylund
John Cole did not forget his pants. John Cole simply does not own pants.
Savage Henry
I hope you ultimately got “Age of Consent”
asiangrrlMN
Angry Black Overlady, you are having waaaaaaay too much fun. You need to simmah dahn nah!
joel hanes
Juanita Jean, Texan, proprietor of “The World’s Most Dangerous Beauty Salon”, and former proprietor of blog “Kiss My Big Blue Butt”, is reliably reported to be on-site.
We can hope for synchronicity. We can suggest.
Ivan X
@PLH ~ NYC,
Thanks for posting all those links, neighbor. We ought to have a drink and discuss New Order and politics!
RosiesDad
This is either going to be really good therapy for Cole or it is going to push him over the edge.
Patricia Kayden
I forgot a suit once on a business trip. Had to stop at Ross and buy one for $20.00. John will be okay.
Love the pics and video.