Best In Show

This has to be the dumbest waste of police assets imaginable:

Fred Willard was arrested for lewd conduct last night in Hollywood when police allegedly caught him with his pants down in an adult movie theater … TMZ has learned.

According to law enforcement sources, LAPD undercover vice officers went into the Tiki Theater in Hollywood and found the 78-year-old “Anchorman” star watching last night’s feature … with his penis exposed and in his hand.

I’m sure there are no other crimes in LA that need to be attended to. I really don’t understand why this is so vigorously prosecuted- one report I read said they make 3-4 sweeps a day at the theatre.






76 replies
  1. 1
    dedc79 says:

    His scenes in Best in Show are some of the best comedy of the past 20 years.

  2. 2
    redshirt says:

    Gateway crime.

    Since they busted Pee Wee, has he engaged in any vicious crimes? No.

    Ergo, post ad hoc cognito.

  3. 3
    Belafon (formerly anonevent) says:

    Easy money.

    Makes it look like the police and courts are doing something.

    They can meet their quota.

  4. 4
    BGinCHI says:

    If you are 78 and quietly whacking off in an adult movie theater you are not only behaving safely: you are aging gracefully.

  5. 5
    Raven says:

    LA Confidential!

  6. 6
    Keith says:

    I really don’t understand why this is so vigorously prosecuted- one report I read said they make 3-4 sweeps a day at the theatre.

    Stare at a mop bucket for a little bit, and the answer will come to you.

  7. 7
    maya says:

    Fred Willard has a liberal bias.

  8. 8
    PeakVT says:

    There are still movie theaters that show porn? WTF? Downloading it at home is just so much more convenient. Just ask the residents of Utah.

  9. 9
    Amir Khalid says:

    @PeakVT:
    At his age, maybe Fred Willard is not so familiar with teh Intertoobz.

  10. 10
    quannlace says:

    Saving penis’s from abuse, one member at a time!
    **********
    But honestly, wonder if the LAPD has their own little voyeur problem.

  11. 11
    LanceThruster says:

    My guess is that the occasional high profile arrest lets them keep going to the nudie shows for free w/o getting in trouble.

    I was at a LA strip club with a friend and his wife and a dancer came over to chat with us (as they most often do if you’re at a club with a pretty female in tow). The LAPD came in and the performer went off on how she and the club owner hates them because they cause a bad vibe and the fact that they’re just there to see some skin w/o paying.

    Sorry Fred, unfortunately ya need to make a raincoat or sumpin’ with the pockets slit (like most upscale cattleman’s coats) so’s you can massage your member discretely…and if someone questions you, you can say you had an itch and were just scratching yourself.

    I know the phrase is overused…but don’t you f#ckers have _real_ crimes to investigate?!? It’s not as if he was doing it at your local family restaurant or something.

    Jeez Loo-eez!

  12. 12
    El Tiburon says:

    I don’t really understand the need for massaging the Mooger while in a theater. Is it so others can watch? I get it back in the day before the VCR and the internet tubes.

    Will one of you Balloon Juicers please explain. And I know there is a high percentage of you who like to partake in rubbing your root at the theater.

    Seems like such an effort: you got to get dressed, drive to the seedy part of town (BTW, here in Austin I don’t even know if they have dirty theaters anymore, I think the last one closed several years ago)park, buy a ticket. Do you get popcorn?? Then you arrest the bandit, what, in the first 10 minutes? Do you spooge on yourself? How do you clean up? Then you have to walk out? Shit, I can’t even pass a mirror after Tossing tater sauce for the shame.

    Seriously, what the hell?

  13. 13
    taylormattd says:

    Should I make a joke about Pee Wee Herman?

  14. 14

    @PeakVT: Although he IS 78, and may not be the most computer-literate person around, there’s probably some special thrill found by doing this in public.

    See also, Alanis Morrissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” – line from the song: “will she go down on you in a theater?”

  15. 15
    Svensker says:

    @El Tiburon:

    LOL. All the things I, an uninformed female, was thinking.

  16. 16
    Regnad Kcin says:

    Firm wood 2 night, no?

  17. 17
    Hunter Gathers says:

    Let’s start right out. Hey, Wha’ Happen??

  18. 18
    forked tongue says:

    I had absolutely no idea there were still “adult movie theaters.”

    I sort of look like Fred Willard, by the way.

  19. 19
    bemused says:

    Willard always cracks me up. However, I really didn’t want to know this much about him.

  20. 20
    trollhattan says:

    It would be immature to speculate he’s been booked for assault wtih a dead weapon, so I won’t. Others got to Peewee already. And yeah, in LA? Srsly?

  21. 21
    El Tiburon says:

    @trollhattan:
    So, you are saying immature speculation is the problem?

  22. 22
    mechwarrior online fuck yeah says:

    Wait it’s illegal to whack off at the dirty picture show? Next thing you’re going to tell me you can’t have sex in bath houses or whack off at the peep show… isn’t that the entire point of going there?

    @LanceThruster

    Also how the cops love to tour Asian massage places hoping to find one with a “special finish”. And in the arrests it always turns out they were sampling the goods so to speak before they made the arrest.

  23. 23
    Raya says:

    Yeah, I dunno, it is pretty gross. I mean, obviously not a violent crime, but still indecent exposure in a public place. I’m all for people NOT being able to pull out their dicks and start whacking off on the subway or in the park, or really anywhere that’s public (it’s especially gross when they do it while STARING RIGHT AT YOU), and I guess for deterrent purposes it helps if the cops occasionally arrest people who are doing it.

    It also comes off as kind of threatening, if you’re female.

    Side note: this is the kind of comment where you check extra carefully to make sure you put the “L” in “public”….

  24. 24

    Is this an actual theater, where they project the porno flick onto a screen? How retro.

    The porno shops I’m aware of (hypothetically of course) have little private booths with teevees in them.

  25. 25
    trollhattan says:

    @El Tiburon:

    I guess I could have typed “premature speculatin’.”

  26. 26
    Anne Laurie says:

    @El Tiburon:

    Do you get popcorn??

    I have read (I like sleazo-comic mysteries, like Donald Westlake) that a jumbo-sized popcorn (no butter) bucket with a hole in the bottom will solve those little concealment/afterissue problems. I don’t judge, I just report.

  27. 27
    ABL says:

    @Cris (without an H): And hopefully some hand sanitizer.

    Frankly, I can’t understand why anyone would go and whack off in an adult movie theater when you can whack off in the privacy of your own home.

  28. 28
    ABL says:

    @Anne Laurie: HAHAHAHAHA. That’s hilarious.

  29. 29
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Raya:

    I can see that at regular movie theaters, but the Tiki is one of LA’s few remaining porn theaters. The only thing they show is porn movies. It’s not the kind of place where you’re going to be watching Spiderman with your kids when suddenly some old guy next to you wants to show you what he’s got.

    I had to re-write this comment a ridiculous number of times to remove any accidental double entendres. I probably shoulda just left them in.

  30. 30
    kc says:

    They still have adult movie theaters?

  31. 31
    Mnemosyne says:

    @ABL:

    IIRC, when Pee-Wee got caught, he was staying with his elderly parents in Florida. Poor guy didn’t want to get caught by his mom so he went to the theater instead, and he managed to get himself into an even more embarrassing predicament.

    Seriously, though, why not just ban porn theaters instead of constantly patrolling them to make sure men don’t do what men do when they watch porn? Is it a First Amendment issue?

  32. 32
    mechwarrior online fuck yeah says:

    @Cris (without an H):

    I’m fairly sure the point of the porn movie is it’s a good public whack where you can’t get into trouble. Also, and I’m going to toss this out there even though some might get upset, perhaps the dude is gay/bi whatever? At least around here part of the point is so that other people can see you in action. Most of the places I know of that show porn are pretty well known gay cruising spots.

    There might be more to this than we know.

  33. 33
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Raya:

    I mean, obviously not a violent crime, but still indecent exposure in a public place. I’m all for people NOT being able to pull out their dicks and start whacking off on the subway or in the park, or really anywhere that’s public (it’s especially gross when they do it while STARING RIGHT AT YOU), and I guess for deterrent purposes it helps if the cops occasionally arrest people who are doing it.

    Back when porno theatres were state-of-the-art — i.e., when Fred Willard was a young man — the rationale was that guys yanking in the dark weren’t hanging around the subways / parks yanking. You paid for a ticket in a XXX theatre, you were old enough to know what your fellow clients were looking for. (I am just old enough, barely, to remember film enthusiasts of the pre-VCR era complaining about “art theatres” like the Thalia in NYC, where vintage High Class movies rotated with standard shoddy porn. Google ‘I Am Curious Pauline Kael” for details.)

  34. 34
    Xantar says:

    So the last time I was in a movie theater (which was earlier this spring), someone’s phone in the front row kept going off and he kept answering it and then talking to the other person loudly enough that we could all hear his voice if not exactly what he was saying. The third time it happened, a big tall cop (I could see his gun on his hip) strode over, sat down next to the guy, and had a little chat with him.

    For all I know, the cop was there for some other reason and the theater management simply asked him to go talk to a troublesome patron. But I’ve always felt a little conflicted about that incident. On the one hand, yay for shutting up a rude person in a theater. On the other hand, was it really necessary to sic the big, visibly armed law enforcement officer on him?

  35. 35
    Enhanced Voting Techniques says:

    is so vigorously prosecuted- one report I read said they make 3-4 sweeps a day at the theatre.

    The cops in there for an afternoon delight? Why don’t tax payers just explode at crap like this. No crime and more and a little possibility the police are off having fun on the clock.

  36. 36
    Enhanced Voting Techniques says:

    @Xantar: For it what it is worth the city I live in the City has the police patrol the ciniplex mall in town aggressively because it is such a big part of the tax base. Happy mall is a prosperous mall. Somehow I fall to see the need for LA Porn theaters to be family friendly.

  37. 37
    runt says:

    I for one am glad that these cops are protecting the punters. You wouldn’t want innocent people in a porn movie theater to see anything rude or icky.

  38. 38
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Xantar:

    On the one hand, yay for shutting up a rude person in a theater. On the other hand, was it really necessary to sic the big, visibly armed law enforcement officer on him?

    IMO, better than having Mr. Privileged start a loud argument (or a fist fight) with some poor minimum-wage usher who drew short straw after one too many patron complaints.

    Now, if the BVALEO had tazed the rude person, that would have been going too far. Although I’ve been at movie showings where the BVALEO would’ve gotten a standing ovation as the EMTs removed Mr. Privileged…

  39. 39
    ABL 2.0 says:

    @Mnemosyne: sounds like a lot of effort for 10 minutes. aren’t their studies showing that porn movies at hotels are only watched in 10 minute spurts?

    (ew.)

  40. 40
    mechwarrior online fuck yeah says:

    @ABL 2.0:

    But then nobody can see you whack off! A good portion of the people at those things are whacking off to the guys whacking off to the movie, that’s the point.

  41. 41
    Anne Laurie says:

    Also, to get back on topic, I’d bet a store-bought cookie that the LEO arresting Mr. Willard did so with every intention of going back to the station and bragging about his, um, “brush” with celebrity.

    Not saying the cop made the arrest just for that purpose, but you know it’ll make his “best work memories” personal scrapbook.

  42. 42
    Greed Is God says:

    via KOS:

    RT @tbogg: Having Fred Willard arrested for masturbation is a Hollywood plot like Batman/Bane to hurt Romney.|| Had his willard in his mitt.
    — @KagroX via TweetDeck

    Personally, I think Fred was just paying tribute to the recently departed Ernest Borgnine:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/.....18938.html

  43. 43
    Greed Is God says:

    Visible hand of the sleaze market?

  44. 44
    eric says:

    @ABL 2.0: i believe you are to get immediate medical attention if you have one of “those.” yikes

  45. 45

    @PeakVT:

    This was my first thought as well.

  46. 46
    Greed Is God says:

    @Anne Laurie:

    I have read (I like sleazo-comic mysteries, like Donald Westlake) that a jumbo-sized popcorn (no butter) bucket with a hole in the bottom will solve those little concealment/afterissue problems. I don’t judge, I just report.

    This guy would need a bigger bucket:

    http://blog.ctnews.com/hottopi.....ed-by-tsa/

  47. 47
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Enhanced Voting Techniques:

    The cops in there for an afternoon delight? Why don’t tax payers just explode at crap like this.

    Being a cop on patrol is one of those occupations which involve many hours of ‘sitting around’ interspersed with unpredictable periods of hectic activity. If only criminals and lawbreakers would have the common courtesy to pre-schedule their misbehavior, the MBAs would be able to rationalize patrol shifts, but there you are: muggers and rapists just aren’t civic-minded individuals.

    One reason cops have arrest quotas is that it give the public liaisons something to push back when those proud tax payers bitch about big healthy men gettin’ paid to sit around eatin’ donuts all day onna public dime. (Also: metrics!) Successfully deterring elderly men from self-pleasuring is not so applaudable as getting in a shoot-out with a bank robber… but then again, the guys in the porn theatre probably don’t give a lot of don’t-you-know-who-I-am-I-pay-your-salary yap and an angry letter to the local paper complaining about police overreach, either.

  48. 48
    dead existentialist says:

    It’s illegal to watch a movie with your penis in your hand? Wow. It’ll be a hard habit to break, but I’ll try it.

  49. 49
    myiq2xu says:

    Willard says he’s innocent but he’s not going to hire an attorney. He wants to beat it himself.

  50. 50
    PeakVT says:

    @Amir Khalid: The prospect of porn can be a great motivator.

    @Chris Gerrib: Exhibitionism is probably the best explanation here.

  51. 51
    Linda Featheringill says:

    I’m sure there are no other crimes in LA that need to be attended to. I really don’t understand why this is so vigorously prosecuted- one report I read said they make 3-4 sweeps a day at the theater.

    You’re kidding, right? You know, don’t you?

    Hell. Even I know the answer to that one.

  52. 52
    Tonal Crow says:

    Probably this person will be required to register as a “sex offender” for life, which will no doubt be miserable after his neighbors find his name on the list.

    Have we lost our minds?

  53. 53
    GregB says:

    Clearly this is a sign of liberal moral decay.

    Unlike the high profile GOP fundrapist from Utah.

  54. 54
    Bruce S says:

    The alternative is going after criminals who might be armed with something more dangerous than a 78 year old dick.

  55. 55
    Tonal Crow says:

    @Bruce S:

    The alternative is going after criminals who might be armed with something more dangerous than a 78 year old dick.

    Can’t do that! It just doesn’t titillate the idiot media the way 78 year old dick does.

  56. 56
    AkaDad says:

    I didn’t see this one coming.

  57. 57
    burnspbesq says:

    Posts like this are what we get when Cole lets his inner Reasonoid come out and play.

    Keep that little fucker locked up, dude.

  58. 58
    Brachiator says:

    vigorously prosecuted

    Heh.

    With all the porn easily available at home, there is no reason for people to be … hanging out … at adult theaters.

    It’s not the biggest thing in the world, but it is a stupid public nuisance.

    It’s worse when there are coming attractions.

  59. 59
    The Fool says:

    My wife speculates that perhaps he was jacked up on Viagra and was afflicted with one of those 6-hour boners you hear about on tv, so that essentially it was a medical emergency and Willard is actually a hero for, uh, saving himself.

    Or if that is not the explanation, then she says the media has buried the lede and the real headline should be “78 Year Old Man Gets It Up!”

  60. 60
    atlasfugged says:

    I guess this means no more callbacks from Leno.

  61. 61
    Jimmy Jazz says:

    In fairness, nobody wants to see Willard’s willie.

  62. 62
    salacious crumb says:

    man, I love Fred Willard. Best in Show was one of his best. and he now lost his job at PBS.

    if only LA police could focus on people like Mittens…sigh

  63. 63
    Boots Day says:

    Fred Willard is 72, not 78.

  64. 64
    myiq2xu says:

    @Boots Day:

    Fred Willard is 72, not 78.

    But he’s still a stand-up guy.

  65. 65
    atlasfugged says:

    @myiq2xu: Only after the Cialis kicks in.

  66. 66

    @myiq2xu: Indeed. I’ve met Fred a couple times and he is really nice and down-to-earth. Bummer story. What an example of wasted tax $. And to think, not a single one of the fuckers who tanked our economy has even been arrested!

  67. 67
    mclaren says:

    I’m even more astounded that there are still adult theaters left out there. Haven’t these people ever heard of DVDs?

  68. 68
    YellowJournalism says:

    Wow. I’d he did it without enhancements, I say, “Bravo, air! Bravo.”

  69. 69
    Hawes says:

    I’m trying to imagine the opening scene in “Hill Street Blues” with the assignment sargeant asking for volunteers for guys to “sweep the porn theaters”. And then most of the officers dislocate their shoulders raising their hands.

    Seriously, outside of “doughnut shop security detail”, this has to be the most popular beat in the LAPD.

  70. 70
    Concerned Citizen says:

    This makes me crazy! Who gives a shit about this? Why do the police arrest people for jerking off in a porno theater? Why?

    Everyone is there to do the same thing! This is a waste of tax payer money.

    Full Disclosure: Pee Wee’s Playhouse was my favorite show in the 80’s. Masturbation killed it. I am still bitter. I say wank if you want to wank!

  71. 71
    SRW1 says:

    @ABL 2.0:

    Probably explains why the plots appear to be on a kind of loop.

  72. 72
    Triassic Sands says:

    I really don’t understand why this is so vigorously prosecuted…

    It’s easier to hit a target that’s sitting still.

    Not only are the “perp’s” literally sitting (if not exactly entirely still), but in order to run, they first have to tidy up.

  73. 73
    Narcissus says:

    Waste of effort.

    The only reason to go to an adult theater is so you can have somebody else’s dick in your hand.

  74. 74
    Brachiator says:

    Apparently, Willard has been jerked off the PBS show “Market Warriors.” He was the narrator for the program. Wonder if he was in the audio booth with his pants down.

    In any event, apparently the public tv people don’t understand that some people think that adult movie theaters are really public masturbatoriums.

  75. 75
    LanceThruster says:

    @El Tiburon: Before delving into the particulars of the indignities of rubbing one out in public however discretely, how many have sneaked some sex/petting to whatever degree in a public theater?

    Multiple times? Drive-in, and walk-in, balcony, etc.?

    Should triple-x only be shown in drive-ins or have balcony “privekleges”?

    Anyway, while I imagine there are those who prefer publically manioulating themselves, Private booths cost more, and often, have only live model options with a greater price and the requirment to actually interact with the person being objectified (are gay porn theaters better or worse as far as the outrage quotient?)

    In a sense, considering what free market choices are being made, it’s more as if the owners and cops/pols were working hand in hand to make the deluxe package more expensive. Both sides to get to bully the others somehow into maintaining that fines balance of power (also within the cops and pols tug of war).

    I couldn’t imasgine not waiting till one got in private, but it would also be nice to attend showings just to see new material (to you) as a way to encounter product that you might want to purchase or view again. The headaches associated with online sites would certainly be a major issue with some.

    Each theater, both, or strip club has been fun in its own way, but it still seems to ultimately about level of control. And as someone who mentioned mop duty, that’s certainly another aspect of it.

    On a side note, as far as the roles of “sex” workers (again at whatever level), two stories come to mind. One is a PBS report of streetwalkers?/escorts? who once a month donated their services to the severly handicapped (one I remember was like late Doug Beatty of the Stern Show (MS, wheelcair, etc.). The other one is Jim Jeffries’ story about an MS? brother of his boyhood friend who went to an Astralian cathouse. They were both describing earth angels. Both these tales were somewhat the rarities, I’d imagine. The others, (Fred Willartd included I guess), look for there moment of pleasure in the form they though was available to them. If government Disaster Recovery teams handed out free vouchers for Govt athourized sex surrogartes, happy ending massages, peep booths, private booths, movie houses, XXX video libraries (with the archive readers like with the newspapers and such), which ones might you avail yourselves of? The same ones all the time? Would they have to pry you out of the library with a crowbar?

    I suspect the stuff you’re missing out on for whatever reason, is along the same ratio of missing Bettie Paige material to what actually exists. The woman should have been the [insert name of your favorite ultra-rich supermodel] of her time, but instead was houned and her images were destroyed (or kept) by the purveyors of purity (much like Ed Meese being in charge of a dept tasked to bring him the most objectionable pron to “review” (nice work if you can get it).

    Much like the Romney’s horse fetish excludes the masses via the price tag, even less “alien” forms of pleasure are “taxed” on a sliding scale.

    Call the TeaBaggers for all the good it will do you. Mr. Willard is now under the microscope whereas Shrubya’s high powered excentricities were executed behind closed doors in a highly exclusive cirlce (think Bohemian Grove style). Shrubya has hurt me greatly as an individual and he’s still walking free, Fred Willard has brought me much laughter. I hope they cut him a break.

  76. 76
    LanceThruster says:

    But then again, won’t somebody think of the children? (oh yeah, they’re still building statues to JoePa)

    [sigh]

    Maybe Fred Willard is the “Rosa Parks” of the adult theater. The statue possibilities are endless (and could probably be erected entirely with private donations). Take that! Free-market champion Romneytron-2000 (and the horse yer missus rode in on)!

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