Let’s take a break from all the ObamaCare/global-warming-isn’t-real-because-Al-Gore-is-fat nonsense and talk about free blowjobs.
Two porn actresses — Angelina Castro and Sara Jay — offered to give an absurd number of blowjobs to Miami Heat fans if the Heat won the championship. And by absurd number, I mean 300,000. THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND.
Roger Moore
I’m having a hard time believing that 300K BJs in a day figure, given that averages almost 4 per second over 24 hours. That would require either an enormous team or very poor quality head or, more likely, both.
Joshua Norton
You’d have to have been in prison an awfully long time to want to be the 300,000th one they “serviced”. I don’t even like sloppy seconds.
Joseph Nobles
Plus, the parking and the traffic would be a nightmare.
MattR
You mean a typical three day weekend?
Culture of Truth
Is this why Chris Christie is yelling at people at the Shore?
Litlebritdifrnt
Are these females a)stupid b) on drugs or c) both, because well really.
Lojasmo
@Roger Moore:
I’m having a hard time believing that 300K BJs in a day figure, given that averages almost 4 per second over 24 hours. That would require either an enormous team or very
poor qualityHigh quality head or, more likely, both.fix’t
Shawn in ShowMe
These aren’t your daddy’s 70s pornstars. These girls are marketing gurus. No need for suitcase pimps here.
Marci Kiser
In a row?
the Conster
They were using McMegan’s calculator originally. They really meant 3,000, which is somewhat more doable, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Litlebritdifrnt
@Lojasmo: I am thinking that it would involve placing dick in mouth for approximately one second and then removing it. I do not believe that that constitutes a blow job. YMMV.
MattR
@Marci Kiser: Hey, try not to suck any dick on the way through the parking lot.
Bobby Thomson
@Marci Kiser: But will they bring lasagna?
Roger Moore
@Litlebritdifrnt:
That’s about what I was thinking. They’re counting incomplete transactions, which seems like a low-quality service to me.
Baud
@Lojasmo:
You got an A in algebra, didn’t you?
Nellcote
It makes one’s jaw ache just reading that post.
satanicpanic
Rainbow party!
jayboat
It is a nice, round number. 8-]
lumpkin
None of the calculations above include time for gagging, spitting, tooth brushing and mouthwash. I presume their will be minimal swallowing. C’mon people – let’s get the assumptions right before we crank up the calculators!
Steve
The math on this is somewhat daunting.
BGinCHI
No word yet whether Michelle Malkin is racing there in her CheerleaderMobile to help.
Shawn in ShowMe
If we send these ladies to Arizona before the election, we could pick up a Senate seat there.
Roger Moore
@BGinCHI:
Ewww. Brain bleach! Brain bleach!
Raven
@BGinCHI: That mouth could suck a golf ball through 100 yards of garden hose or the chrome of a bumper hitch!
PsiFighter37
Man that’s some weird shit to be reading at the airport. Hope people aren’t giving me strange looks because I’m giggling to myself.
I haven’t matured one bit over the years.
jl
So, NBA is out. Balloon Juice gonna see about tie in?
Never, mind, I don’t want to think about the ads that would bring. Would not end well.
MattR
@jl:
Personally, I think the ending would be rather happy.
jl
@MattR: I keep thinking it is a family blog. Silly me.
Omnes Omnibus
If, as indicated in the comments over at ABL’s place, the current record is 249, might the ladies have been intending 300? 300K seems ambitious, and, what’s more, it seems like overkill.
AkaDad
I just want to go on record that I’ve always been a Miami Heat fan…
D0n Camillo
Anybody else getting ads for a Christian dating site while reading this?
Baud
@D0n Camillo:
The ad I’m getting is Muslima.com – International Muslim Matrimonials.
Go figure.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
I think I saw this once, during an episode of I, Claudius.
JGabriel
@the Conster:
You would still need 3000 sports fans who could come in 48 seconds each …
Oh. I see.
So glad I’m not a sports fan.
.
feebog
I think the NBA is blowing (pun intended, sorry) their big chance here. They could bill it as the Blowjocolypse.
Mark S.
Even without the blowjobs, this has been one crazy offseason in the NBA. The Lakers and the Knicks are banking on 40-year-old point guards, the Mavs roster might consist of Dirk Nowitzki and a couple of ballboys, and the Nets have spent a bundle on a team that will get knocked out in the first round.
And Dwight Howard has handled his impending free agency so horribly it makes The Decision seem like Lou Gehrig’s farewell address.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
@feebog:
__
This is a new version of the Turing Test, updated for the 21st Cen. Suck on this ho’bots.
magurakurin
totally off topic, but I just wanted to point something out. I was reading below and there was a complaint about Romney ads on the site. Folks, if you see a Romney ad, click the living shit out of that fucker. Just click, return, click, return, repeat, repeat. Because those ads pay by the click. Sure, it’s a tiny little pin prick, but a prick deserves a prick.
So, remember when you see a Romney ad anywhere, click, click and click again.
Gin & Tonic
Well, I went to the ladies’ official Web site — purely in the interests of mathematical research, you understand — and they don’t say they want to do 300k blow jobs. They are merely offering a free blow job to any/all of their Twitter followers who show up at a specific date/time. You’d have to show ID and, more importantly, you’d have to be cleared through what I assume is some STD clearinghouse. They do have 300k followers between the two of them, but I doubt they’re expecting that many to show up.
Omnes Omnibus
@D0n Camillo: @Baud: It must mean something. I am getting an ad for gardening supplies.
JGabriel
@JGabriel:
Typo: should be 28.8 seconds each.
.
Baud
@Omnes Omnibus:
Balloon Juice ads: They’re like windows into your soul.
Baud
@Gin & Tonic:
More GOP BJ suppression tactics. Disgusting.
MattR
@JGabriel: You forgot that there are two girls so it is 57.6 each from start to finish.
Omnes Omnibus
@Baud: I live in an apartment, have never gardened, and am stressed out at the responsibility for keeping my philodendron alive. Also, I actually had a Russian dating site ad.
PsiFighter37
@MattR: it’s almost like that scene from Swordfish, except fun for everyone, not just the guy with the gun to his head.
Mr Stagger Lee
Damn, now I am really sorry the Sonics left. :-(
Baud
@Omnes Omnibus:
You have to look deeper to find the hidden meanings in the ads.
satanicpanic
@MattR: Back in the day that wouldn’t have been a problem
MattR
@satanicpanic: The two girls or the 57.6 seconds?
Omnes Omnibus
@Baud: I knew that someday my lack of depth would come back to bite me in the ass.
JGabriel
@Baud:
I may be a fat, broke(n), balding male in his late forties with no drivers license — because I live in a city like civilized people do — but apparently I have the soul of a woman in Slender Lee Jeans who owns a Land Rover and a Mazda, and takes photos with her Sony digital camera on her trip to Scandinvia via Finnair.
And, for some reason, my soul is buying ducks from California.
Oddly, the part about the ducks is the only thing I really relate to. And maybe the jeans — I used to be skinny up until about a decade ago, so I can see how my soul might not have accepted the added weight yet.
.
Omnes Omnibus
@JGabriel: You wouldn’t chose Finnair?
satanicpanic
@MattR: Well, neither would have been a problem (depending on your perspective), but the latter was the only one that was likely.
MattR
@JGabriel: Amusingly, I am seeing an ad for getting a Masters of Social Work which is actually how my parents met. I think my mom would kick my ass if I told her I was going back to school to get an MSW.
JGabriel
@Omnes Omnibus:
Okay, maybe three things I relate to then. But I wouldn’t get a Sony camera — I’d probably go for a Canon, if I were in the market for one.
.
Narcissus
I just want to go on record as saying I’ve always been a fan of blowjobs.
Narcissus
It would suit my luck that by the time I got to the head thread the topic of conversation had moved on to cameras
Omnes Omnibus
@Narcissus: … and airlines.
JGabriel
@MattR: True story: I had a friend who was a CIO (Information, not Investment), and she left the field of technology to go into the muy profitable field of social work.
.
satanicpanic
@Narcissus: I hope you’re firm on that. You don’t want to pull a Romney and start flip-flopping.
Bobby Thomson
@MattR: Lending new meaning to the shot clock.
Omnes Omnibus
@satanicpanic: Heh, heh, you said firm.
/Beavis
Valdivia
I think I didn’t drink enough tonight to read this thread! :)
MattR
@JGabriel: Somebody should have pointed one of my parents in the direction of one of those profitable jobs :)
Omnes Omnibus
@Valdivia: No one did.
satanicpanic
@Omnes Omnibus: I had high hopes for this becoming the most immature thread in BJ history, but it needs a little something more.
Valdivia
@Omnes Omnibus:
I was going to say no one expects a blow job thread but then again this is BJ no? ;)
How’s the new bike?
Narcissus
@satanicpanic: That’s why I like Michigan. The blowjobs are all just the right length.
I’ll show myself out
Omnes Omnibus
@satanicpanic: I am trying to do my part, but it appears that I have some vestigial sense of dignity that prevents me from going the full monty.
@Valdivia: I rode on Wednesday, right after I got it. I was like an 8 year old boy with a new toy; I had to take it out and play with it right then – no matter how stupid it was. It is exactly what I want right now, but I haven’t ridden since Wednesday. The weather is too f-ing hot. I intend to go out riding tomorrow morning and Sunday.
MattR
@satanicpanic: We could discuss the number of calories being ingested.
satanicpanic
@Narcissus: Hahaha, well played!
Mark S.
@MattR:
Hey, this isn’t one of those weekly recipe threads.
satanicpanic
@Omnes Omnibus: The innuendos are just not coming to me
Omnes Omnibus
@satanicpanic: If you indulge, have a drink or 7. It should help.
MattR
@Mark S.: Is there more than one recipe? I only know how to serve it fresh.
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR: I have heard tell of popsicles.
Valdivia
@Omnes Omnibus:
I totally saw what you did there sir! You raised to the occasion ;)
I know that feeling of the new toy, hope you have some nice rides this weekend.
ETA: I see the thread is now sounding like what I initially thought it would sound. Must get another drink!
MattR
@Omnes Omnibus: Is that where you stick your balls in the freezer first?
Omnes Omnibus
@Valdivia: As long as I get out before it gets too hot or the storms hit, I should be okay.
Corner Stone
@Valdivia:
I just want you to know, I clicked to the end of this thread, not reading a single comment before I read yours.
I either a) really, really want to read the rest of this thread, or b) am going to be veddy, veddy disappointed by the rest of this thread.
I may choose c) where I just turn off my computer and contemplate all the possibilities of what may have been meant with no further context needed nor wanted.
satanicpanic
@MattR: Probably like french fries- doesn’t make for good leftovers.
fasteddie9318
You know, if they don’t blow this opportunity, these girls could find themselves at the head of a major corporation.
Valdivia
@Corner Stone:
biggest grin. I actually didn’t even think of how those two parts of my comment sounded together. I will just leave it at that! ;)
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR: I thought it involves sticks.
Omnes Omnibus
@Corner Stone: Probably best if you just walk away.
Corner Stone
Ok, since this is a BJ thread let me just say that after a skimming of the comments, allow me to give a little reach around to say MattR is totally en fuego tonight.
Valdivia
@Corner Stone:
@Omnes Omnibus:
ok guys, off to bed. I am sure I am going to miss all the fun. Have a good night y’all.
Corner Stone
@Omnes Omnibus: Shit. Talking about some other random 300K dudes potentially getting a BJ is the closest I’ve been to one in a couple months.
I’m not missing this action for nothing.
Amended, I see Heath Ledger on A Knights Tale on the BBC channel. Gotta run!
Corner Stone
It amuses me deeply that JGabriel self amended his post to correct for math calculation errors regarding how long each BJ would have to potentially be.
Omnes Omnibus
@Corner Stone: Dude, my advice to you would usually be that it is probably best for you to just walk away. Why should this thread be different?
burnspbesq
@BGinCHI:
There’s an image guaranteed to produce a soft-on.
satanicpanic
@Corner Stone:
DougJ did say he wanted to make this into a full service blog.
MattR
@Corner Stone: Thank you. All I needed was a thread where I could let my inner 13 year old run loose.
@Corner Stone: There is a “teabagger math” joke in there somewhere, but I just can’t put it together. I’m sure it’ll come to me in roughly 57.6 seconds
@burnspbesq: Even my inner 13 year old is disgusted.
Corner Stone
@satanicpanic: I get the really awful sense that DougJ is the type of person that stops midway through most consensual acts and wants to talk about it for a while.
Narcissus
@Corner Stone: you mean like a root-canal
AxelFoley
Shit, Sara Jay is phat to damn def for a white chick. I’m talking she got black chick booty.
Phat. To. Fucking. Def.
Omnes Omnibus
@AxelFoley: So you are saying that you find her somewhat attractive?
satanicpanic
@Narcissus:
I’ve never heard them called that
Corner Stone
@AxelFoley:
That’s it. I am flying to Miami tonight. How in the world could one pass up a chance to be number 278K with a phat to damn def white chick?
MattR
@Omnes Omnibus: I think he’s saying that he now has plans for August 2.
Corner Stone
@Narcissus: Well actually it was more apropos of a pasty DougJ noisily slurping on the throat of his own version of Chunky Reese Witherspoon when he would casually stop and inquire if she believed that both sides do it.
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR: So close to my birthday… and yet I doubt Miami in August is in my future.
Marcellus Shale, Public Dick
they just scored the half-time mid court money shot of free publicity.
MattR
@Marcellus Shale, Public Dick:
That’s a surefire way to increase attendence.
YellowJournalism
Theyre gonna need a truckload of Chapstick. Sponsorship idea!
JGabriel
@Corner Stone: Danke. We at Chez JGabriel live to amuse.
.
blahblah
300,000 cocks gave me gastritis, thousands of Facebook friends.
EIGRP
@Narcissus: Bobby Slayton said it should be called a “blowvacation” and that way his wife would love it.
Eric
maya
What’s the problem for the GOP? Rick Scott can now claim that Florida has created 300,000 new jobs.