Open Thread

Went and bought some hydrangeas for the front yard today- I’ve just become tired of the histrionics of my fainting pansies. I love the flowers, and they really are one of my favorites, but don’t water them for eight hours and they all pass out and look like Tunch sat on them or something. Next year, the pansies are just going in the flower boxes until they start their crap in the 90 degree weather, and I will just replace them. That’s right. There will be pansy genocide next year.

Speaking of Tunch, I opened the gate to the fence to take out the trash, and fat boy bolted. I spent an hour looking for him, and couldn’t find him anywhere, and I said to hell with it, and just yelled to him that if another cat attacks him and he gets another infected wound, he can just figure out how to heal himself because I am tired of shelling out 50 bucks every time he does this crap.

That bold stance lasted about a half hour, and I got in the car and drove around the neighborhood looking for him. I finally found him a block away near the neighbor cats, and tried to get him, but he kept running from me. So I did the next best thing. I followed him in the car at 3 miles per hour, and every time he stopped I lay on the horn. This scared the hell out of him, he ran about 30 feet, and stopped. At which point I would blast the horn again. I did this until I got him in the neighbor’s yard, at which point I parked the car in the garage, and doubled around the neighbor’s house so I was behind him and his only route for escape was to go through my fence gate. Once I got behind him, I tore after him yelling “BOOOGA BOOGA BOOGA” and he ran like hell towards my house, through the back gate, and into the safety of my yard.

Mission accomplished.

*** Update ***

I just had my revenge. Tunch was lazing in between the raised gardens, enjoying himself, and just sort of relaxing. Which meant there was only one thing for me to do… TURN ON THE SPRINKLERS.

If he makes the connection between me and the sprinklers, I am screwed.

*** Update #2 ***

This is genius:

Cole’s post rewritten by Cormac McCarthy:

It’s a hard world for a slim flower. The pansies lay in the dust their petals dessicated by a raw wind and a deadly sun. The weight of feline lassitude broke their flowery camel’s backs. When the gate opened the critter bolted and the fat man gave no chase this day.

And yet he did chase in his own way, through modes of hesitation and aggression learned from Uncle Sam’s armed mass. His thinner days came back to him like a felt kiss and he nearly wept but remembered the cat and his many, many sins.

I’m dying.

128 replies
  1. 1
    Politically Lost says:

    That’s cat science in action. Well done.

  2. 2
    Baud says:

    With everyone distracted with the Greenwald post, I’ve got this nice open thread all to myself.


    ETA: @Politically Lost: I guess not. Welcome.

  3. 3
    kc says:

    Bwahahaha! I would PAY to see this on YouTube!

  4. 4
    jl says:

    Thank you for the sad and hilarious picture of Tunch, confounded by the superior thinking abilities of a more advanced life form…. OR WAS HE?

    My contribution to open thread, sad animal news of the day:

    After 115 Years Together, Tortoises Go Their Separate Ways
    By Mike Krumboltz, Animal Nation Tue, Jun 12, 2012

    Would post an extract, but the whole thing is so sad about this old tortoise divorce, that it would make me cry.

    Think of their children, who are, probably, only a 100 or so years old. Sniff sniff.

    Edit: OK, one extract: ‘ Zoo director Helga Happ told the Austrian Times, “We get the feeling they can’t stand the sight of each other anymore.” ‘

  5. 5
    amk says:

    LOL. What a nice daddy you are, cole.

    ran like hell

    Need proof of that unpossible feet feat.

  6. 6
    gussie says:

    As long as you maintained your dignity.

  7. 7
    Jade Jordan says:

    Have you ever thought of getting native drought resistant plants so you don’t have to water them with fracking polluted water.

    Zinnias were my devil plants. So beautiful but as thirsty as John Boehner.

  8. 8
    Rita R. says:

    John, you could get good money for a reality show that’s just about you interacting with Lily, Tunch and Rosie. I’d watch. Perhaps also include the naked mopping and falling, naughty bits blurred out of course.

  9. 9
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Dude. Where the fuck is the video?

  10. 10
    jl says:

    @asiangrrlMN: I’ll contribute to a Cole cam, or Tunch cam, or whatever.

  11. 11
    Violet says:

    Once I got behind him, I tore after him yelling “BOOOGA BOOGA BOOGA”

    Video or it didn’t happen.

  12. 12
    quannlace says:

    The action never stops at the Cole household. Ungrateful critters

    Zinnias were my devil plants. So beautiful but as thirsty as John Boehner.

    Really? I’ve found zinnias to very drought tolerant. Too much moisture and powdery mildew starts to take over. Zinnia’s originally came from Mexico.

  13. 13
    Commenting at Ballon Juice since 1937 says:

    Your neighbors must love you. I know car horns are what I look forward at the end of the day.

  14. 14
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    I wonder how the crazies on the right will twist this into the Obama DOJ trying to crush the free markets/internet.

    Good for Holder. I hope it results in some big changes.

  15. 15
    Alison says:

    @kc: Seriously. I would watch the fuck out of a reality show about John and his pets. certainly more entertaining than bidding on storage lockers or the fucking Kardashians.

  16. 16
    amk says:

    You can’t leave that fucking cat alone, can you ? Mebbe he was going on a blind date, you asshole.

  17. 17
    David Koch says:

    PPP: Obama 48-42 in swing state of Nevada


  18. 18
    Maude says:

    Tunch was outwitted.

  19. 19
    Alison says:

    @Rita R.: Heh, I see I’m not the only one with this thought. Not that I imagined I was…I’d bet plenty of BJers feel the same, and some just don’t want to admit it :)

  20. 20
    jl says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee:

    The WSJ has what seem to be real time stock tickers after every mention of a corporation, and they are all down. Sounds like Obama is on another job and profit killing over regulation jag to me! Gospel for Republicans.

    Also, wrt to a comment above on water, if Cole is comparing his plants to Boehner, has he planted something that demands smokes and regular tanning sessions, or what? Be happy they just want water, Cole

  21. 21
    Baud says:

    @David Koch: It’s only June. It’s too early to take any polls showing Obama ahead seriously.

  22. 22
    Carrie says:

    Now you’re ready for kids.

  23. 23
    trollhattan says:

    Oh man, I’m aching from laughing.

    Kan we please add a Tunch “Booga-Booga” shirt to the collection?

  24. 24
    Tokyokie says:

    Honking the car horn was my main method of getting Marvin, my Siamese, back into the house from the garage. (Until we couldn’t fit the car in the garage anymore.)

  25. 25
    Rita R. says:


    We’re all only really here for the pet stories.

  26. 26
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @jl: I’m in for fifty!

  27. 27
    trollhattan says:


    Zinnias do well in the Cali central valley. But it’s “a dry heat.” Frankly, they’re one of the few reliable mid-to-late summer flowers that don’t croak from solar brutality.

  28. 28
    Yutsano says:

    @asiangrrlMN: @Violet: Wot they said.

  29. 29
    RossInDetroit says:

    @Commenting at Ballon Juice since 1937:

    Your neighbors must love you. I know car horns are what I look forward at the end of the day.

    “What’s all that racket?”
    “Old Man Cole herding his cat with the Subaru again. Just close the window.”

  30. 30
    Felanius Kootea says:

    Fred Karger is an openly gay Republican still running to be presidential candidate. he says his goal is to increase tolerance for gays within the Republican party. Here’s one experience he had in Utah. I wish him luck.

  31. 31
    gogol's wife says:



  32. 32
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Yutsano: Hi, honey! How goes recovery?

  33. 33
    lacp says:

    I hope I’m not eating valuable open-thread space with something everybody’s already seen, but if you have any books you’re interested in donating to prisoners, here’s a map with a list of places across the country where you can do so.

  34. 34
    Hungry Joe says:

    Before I had cats, I would have thought Cole was nuts. Now I just nod my head and say, “Well, yeah. Sure. Good move.”

    Also: Somebody should do something with “the histrionics of fainting pansies”; can’t let that just slide into the ether. I’d use it as the title of my next book, but I write middle-grade/Juvenile fiction, so it probably wouldn’t fly.

  35. 35
    Keith G says:

    Train Tunch to come when you blow a whistle. It’s easy. My indoor/outdoor kitties knew the whistle meant dinner or the yummiest of snacks and lovins.

    Once, when Cici my big old orange tabby did not respond, I took a walk blowing the whistle as I went. I heard a very muted meow and looked up to see Cici meowing at me from inside a neighbor’s window.

  36. 36
    Gex says:

    Where is there never a passerby to shoot video when you need one?

  37. 37
    lacp says:

    @Felanius Kootea: Jeez, finally somebody was willing to define “conseritave” for me. I’ve been wondering what that meant.

  38. 38
    The Dangerman says:

    …ran like hell…

    I’m assuming this was roughly like an elephant seal, which can be really quite quick over a short distance (can easily run down a human that strays to close for a picture)…

    …then will lay motionless for hours to recover. I’ll assume poor Tunch is in the recovery phase at this point.

  39. 39
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee:

    A much better use of resources than going after John Edwards again. So that’s at least two good decisions the DoJ has made in one day.

  40. 40
    Anoniminous says:


    What these early polls can tell us is how the environment of the election is shaping. So far, so good.

  41. 41
    Yutsano says:

    @asiangrrlMN: It goes apace oh wifey of mine. Best part is I got paid so I’m not dead flat broke. But there was a managerial change at my work so need to check that everything is still kosher there. I go back home the 26th. Not sure when I’m going back to work.

  42. 42
    Anoniminous says:


    I’ll kick in copies of The Great Escape and Introductory Mining Engineering.

  43. 43
    SiubhanDuinne says:


    Honking the car horn was my main method of getting Marvin, my Siamese, back into the house from the garage. (Until we couldn’t fit the car in the garage anymore.)

    See, in John’s case, it’s Tunch that won’t fit in the garage anymore.

  44. 44
    Canuckistani Tom says:

    Nostalgia Critic posted his review of Signs, and I’ve been laughing my ass off all evening. (Slightly NSFW)


  45. 45
    Baud says:

    @Anoniminous: I was being snarky — the media only highlights polls that show a horse race.

    Still, while positive polls are better than negative polls, it really is too early to read much into them, IMHO.

  46. 46
    Chris from Arlington, VA says:

    That story made my night. Nicely done.

    Also, I just bought a FEED Apron. I’ll be cooking in style tomorrow night!

  47. 47
    lacp says:

    @efgoldman: Well, yeah, maybe you could throw some coupons for Lowe’s or Home Depot so they could turn it into a project, sort of a don’t-show-and-don’t-tell.

  48. 48
    hilzoy says:

    Ha. I used to wander around my neighborhood, meowing. My neighbors were all used to it. It worked, too, but only if you meow to your cats under normal circumstances, so they recognize your voice.

  49. 49

    I was at the doctor’s today, and they had CNN running. You can never get away from the fucking television at the doctor’s, which is another rant for another day. But anyway, some ad came on, and it was whining about the E.P.A. making it hard on coal companies, and I guess they wanted everybody to call their senators and congressmen and the president and ask them to get the godless E.P.A. off the poor coal companies’ backs.

    To win people over, the ad said something about how people in states that get most of their electricity from coal plants pay 70% less in electric bills than people in states that get their power from something else. And I guess that was meant to be Game! Set! Match! right there. If you stand against coal, you’re happy to see ordinary Americans pay 70% more a year for their power, blah, blah, blah.

    And right then, right there, I had a kind of epiphany. I don’t guess it’s the one the coal shills wanted, but I can’t help that. You watch ads on television with the epiphanies you get, not the epiphanies the coal industry shills want you to get. Or something.

    Anyway, my epiphany was that nothing is free in life. And nothing is 70% cheaper in life. Somebody ends up paying that 70%. Maybe it’ll be the 40 or 50 miners who’ll die over the next 10 years and their families; maybe it’ll be tens of millions of Bangladeshis who get flooded out of their houses over the next 50 years because we here in the U.S. can’t live without our cheap coal. But somebody always ends up paying.

    And what’s so galling is that the ones who pay are never the ones who get the great deals. We here in the U.S. live to a standard that the world has never seen, and that isn’t sustainable, and somebody else will end up paying for it. Sooner or later, people will pay. Slaves in China who make the cheap-ass shit we can’t live without pay today. Children in Africa who’ll starve as the farmland dries up so we can keep burning fuel like there’s no tomorrow, well, they’ll pay some day down the road.

    My wife and I were talking about this a few months ago. I was musing on whether “economic growth” is something that can keep going forever. Isn’t there a time when people need to just let things even out? And my wife said something about how we in the U.S.–and in what we think of as “The West” in general–everything we have, everything we take for granted, it’s all built on somebody else’s backs: slaves in China; our own American underclass; poor people in Latin America; Aisan peasants… Somebody else always pays for what we at the top all too often don’t even bother to think about or be thankful for.

    I don’t know the answer to this. I know no politician is ever going to get anywhere trying to making this into an issue, though I’d be happy to be proven wrong about this. It just pisses me off that the people who end up paying are always the ones who never get anything for their hardship. I’d like to think that this will end somehow, someday, and end short of an apocalyptic cataclysm (or a cataclysmic apocalypse). I don’t really want us, Americans, to get what’s coming to us, what we deserve, since what we deserve is so unspeakable. Can we enlighten ourselves? Is there hope for the ones who pay and pay and pay and never get anything for their suffering? Somebody help me believe there’s hope.

    Kind of broody for a cat-related open thread, I know, but it’s been on my mind all afternoon…

  50. 50
  51. 51
    BGinCHI says:

    Cole’s post rewritten by Cormac McCarthy:

    It’s a hard world for a slim flower. The pansies lay in the dust their petals dessicated by a raw wind and a deadly sun. The weight of feline lassitude broke their flowery camel’s backs. When the gate opened the critter bolted and the fat man gave no chase this day.

    And yet he did chase in his own way, through modes of hesitation and aggression learned from Uncle Sam’s armed mass. His thinner days came back to him like a felt kiss and he nearly wept but remembered the cat and his many, many sins.

  52. 52
    Anoniminous says:


    I shoulda figgered you were.

    What these polls can do is establish a baseline to see how a candidate is doing. For example, Nate Silver is projecting Obama to win Ohio and if he does there’s no freaking way Romney can win.

  53. 53
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @lacp: Thanks for reminding me we have a local program like that. I need to get rid of many books.

    @Yutsano: Money is good. Sorry that work is iffy. Bleah.

  54. 54
    Tara the Antisocial Social Worker says:


    Honking the car horn was my main method of getting Marvin, my Siamese, back into the house from the garage. (Until we couldn’t fit the car in the garage anymore.)

    Heavens – the cat was THAT big?

  55. 55

    This is the best blog post ever.

  56. 56
    amk says:

    @Comrade Javamanphil: But we say that about every tunch diary.

  57. 57
    amk says:

    Which meant there was only one thing for me to do… TURN ON THE SPRINKLERS.


  58. 58
    Violet says:

    I can’t keep the caterpillars from eating my passion flowers and all the leaves so that all that’s left are the naked vines. It’s the host plant for a local native butterfly and that’s why I planted it, but it sure would be nice if they’d leave a small bit untouched. The fence just looks bare.

  59. 59
    geg6 says:

    @Keith G:

    LOL! IANA cat person, but that story is so cat. I prefer utter submission in my pers, which is why I’m a dog person. But I am always entertained by Cole and all my cat person friends and the challenges they face with that animal.

  60. 60
    Violet says:

    Ha! Love it!

  61. 61
    BGinCHI says:

    @geg6: I hope you bought lottery tix today after your delicious victory.

  62. 62
    Raven says:

    @Violet: I didn’t even know what the hell it was. I got a new camera so I’ve been wandering around the yard shooting stuff.

  63. 63
    BGinCHI says:

    @Violet: My software does that to all Cole’s posts.

  64. 64
    Felanius Kootea says:

    @lacp: @efgoldman: I actually started laughing when I read her email because of the misspellings and then the mean-spiritedness of the intended message made me stop.

    Here’s an attempt to blockquote Nanette’s email to Karger for those who didn’t see it:

    you are an idiot. You met with my husband Willie Billings today about you being on the Utah ballot. He brought your frisby, and tshirt home and it is now out in the trash. I never want to hear from such a radical idiot again. you think you are conseritave? conseritave means you beleive in the values of founding fathers and God. Do you know you cant procreate right? Well thank goodness for that. Nanette Billings

    Her husband sounds like a more decent human being than she is.

  65. 65
    jl says:

    That afternoon, in the mid watch when the old man, as his wont at intervals, stepped forth from the kitchen in which he leaned, and went to his hatchback, he suddenly thrust out his face fiercely, snuffing up the town air as a sagacious hound dawg will, in drawing nigh to some barbarous pile. He declared that the fat cat must be near. Soon that peculiar sensation, sometimes to a great distance given forth by the supermassive fat cat, was palpable to all the watch; nor was anyone surprised when, after surveying the neighborhood, and then after spotting the local gravitational lensing splitting the clump of hydrangeas in two, and then ascertaining the precise bearing of the distortions of space and time as nearly as possible, Cole rapidly jumped in the old jalopy to be revved up, and the horn ready to be honked.

    The chase of the great white fat cat had begun.

  66. 66
    SiubhanDuinne says:



  67. 67
    BGinCHI says:

    @jl: Nice!

    Someone do Jane Austen.

    I think we’ve got us a cottage industry here.

  68. 68
    Marcellus Shale, Public Dick says:

    so, you chased the muff around, now you’re trying to get it wet?

    i guess its like the old saying, the only difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys(maybe)

  69. 69
    Comrade Mary says:

    He’s big, he’s white, and Cole pursues him but can never vanquish him. He’s Moggy Dick.

  70. 70
    Raven says:

    @SiubhanDuinne: You gettin rain?

  71. 71
    jl says:

    Cole turned the sprinklers on Tunch?

    What a sicko.

    I must have ESP, I was about to type up something from Naked Lunch.

    But Cole should go ahead and give himself as much rope as he wants. We tried to warn him.

  72. 72
    Violet says:

    @Raven: It looks a lot lke the “Lavender Lady” variety I’m attempting the grow. It’s gorgeous.

  73. 73
    Raven says:

    @Violet: She says yes to that and to the caterpillar.

  74. 74
    geg6 says:

    I’m pissed. We have an herb garden (in pots) and some beefsteak tomatoes and cherry tomatoes (also in pots) on the deck. Watered them this evening and noticed that some creature ate our first cherry tomato, which we’d been monitoring closely and which was within days of being savored BY US, DAMMIT! Bastard.

  75. 75
    Svensker says:



    Are you going to get yummy passion fruits, too?

  76. 76
    amk says:

    ‘cole and tunch’ would be a nice sequel to turner and hooch. Except that cole ain’t no hanks.

  77. 77
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    Fat cat sneaks out
    Fat man gives shout
    Fat cat makes break
    Fresh air smells great!

    Fat cat is free
    Fat man won’t see
    Fat cat finds peers
    Hides in grass and disappears.

    Fat man has scare
    Fat cat isn’t there!
    Fat man drives car
    Cat laughs: har har har!

    Fat man honks horn
    Fat cat feels scorn
    Fat man shouts loud
    Booga booga! Draws a crowd.

    Fat cat goes inside
    noises make him want to hide
    On his porch, fat man sits
    On his pillow, fat cat shits.

  78. 78
    Raven says:

    @Svensker: Um, she says yes.

  79. 79
    BGinCHI says:

    @TheMightyTrowel: If there was a Nobel Prize for doggerel, that would be your winner.

    Nicely done. Esp the last line.

  80. 80
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    @BGinCHI: I was aiming for Dr. Seuss, but I’ll accept doggerel (catterel?)

  81. 81
    amk says:

    @TheMightyTrowel: lmao. You win the thread.

  82. 82
    trollhattan says:


    Agreed! (Only needs some reference to remnants of Cole’s headphones in the deuce, although come to think of it, that was Rosi’s handiwork.)

    Booga, booga, booga!

  83. 83
    Yutsano says:

    @TheMightyTrowel: That was awesome. Thread iz over.

  84. 84
    geg6 says:


    Heh. Bought Lotto tickets today, actually. And signed the book at he VFW l, too. Between John and I, we’ve hit the number there for $1200 this year. And we like being the undercover liberals there and slipping in some realty checks to their VFW/FOXNews propaganda when we find an opening.

    One of my original career goals was to be a CIA analyst, with a specialty in the Soviet Union. I got the needed degree in 1989. Bad timing. I consider my time spent at the VFW as the undercover spy operation I never got the chance to run in my youth.

  85. 85
    Jade Jordan says:


    My Zinnias were demon possessed and had to be watered twice a day. I heard that if you grow them from seed they behave better. I bought mine full grown and in bloom. Once was enough.

  86. 86
    jl says:


    thanks. I read that and wondered what a Dr. Seuss Tunch would look like

    (I think we already know what a Dr. Seuss Cole would look like, and I assure everyone that I try to mean that in a good way, or maybe not).

  87. 87
    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason says:

    @Horrendo Slapp (formerly Jimperson Zibb, Duncan Dönitz, Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.):

    everything we take for granted, it’s all built on somebody else’s backs

    Close. It’s also all built on fossil fuel. We’re living lives equivalent to having hundreds of servants, thanks to dead plants and algae.

  88. 88
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @Raven: Not yet, but plenty of really amazing lightning that illuminates the entire sky. Quite beautiful.

  89. 89
    BGinCHI says:

    @geg6: If you win please lift all our boats.

  90. 90
    Valdivia says:

    that parody just made my night. I love this place.

  91. 91
    hilzoy says:

    It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a small Subaru must be in want of a cat.

    However little known the feelings or views of such a man may be on his first entering a neighbourhood, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding families, that he is considered as the rightful property of some one or other of their felines.

    “My dear Mr. Bennet,” said his lady to him one day, “have you heard that Netherfield Park is let at last?”

    Mr. Bennet replied that he had not.

    “But it is,” returned she; “for Mrs. Long has just been here, and she told me all about it.”

    Mr. Bennet made no answer.

    But that made no difference, since at that very moment a loud horn sounded, and a deep voice was heard to cry out: Tunch! Tunch! At that moment, an immense white cat leapt through the open window, ran across Mary Bennet’s fancywork, and hid behind the settee. Scarcely a moment later, an immense white man followed the cat through the window, with only an artfully placed mop concealing his private parts from the inquisitive eyes of Mr. Bennet’s wife and daughters, and fell to the floor with a crash, bits of Kitty’s lace and ribbands tangled about him. “Fuck!” cried the intruder; “who are you, and where the hell is Tunch?”

    “What can be the meaning of that emphatic exclamation?” cried Mr. Bennet. “Do you consider the forms of introduction, and the stress that is laid on them, as nonsense? I cannot quite agree with you there.”

  92. 92
    burnspbesq says:

    Raise your hand if you said before the season started that R.A. Dickey of the New York Mets would be the first 10-game winner in the majors this year.

    Yeah, me neither, and I’m a Met fan.

  93. 93
    YellowJournalism says:

    Ever since you posted that picture of yourself, it makes for funnier mental pictures when you tell these stories. The guy in those pictures looked nothing like someone who would tell booga booga, so what I think of is quite hilarious!

  94. 94
    burnspbesq says:

    I wish DougJ would hurry up and post something. I’m dying to use the Bryce Harper line on him.

  95. 95
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    @hilzoy: That made my day. Thank you!

  96. 96
    Valdivia says:


    ok. you have won the Internets for the whole year!

  97. 97
    Sherean says:

    @hilzoy: pitch perfect austin! I died at the artfully placed mop. Well done.

    Well done all of you literati!

  98. 98
    catclub says:

    @Keith G: Yes, we had a cat that got into the neighbor’s attic. She LOVED the attic.

    Got her down with tuna.

  99. 99
    burnspbesq says:

    If Graceland is one of your favorite records, you will want to hear the 25th anniversary vinyl reissue. Everything that was wrong with the original CD has been fixed. It sounds glorious. It will sell turntables to people who got rid of their turntables 20 years ago.

  100. 100
    JGabriel says:

    BGinCHI: Heh. Chiming in with the rest of the suck-ups to say: great post!


  101. 101
    gogol's wife says:


    Ooh, good.

  102. 102
    Diana says:

    @amk: And we mean it about every Tunch diary.

  103. 103
    aimai says:

    Brilliant Jane Austen, Hilzoy. Though you write from an undisclosed location, and all too infrequently, your timing is impeccable. Lets have some more? I’d like to see Melville, Proust, and, of course, Hammet.


  104. 104
    JGabriel says:


    I’m dying to use the Bryce Harper line on him.

    Between that and “Don’t tase me, bro,” I guess Bro is the new Dude, ubiquitous term of recognition.


  105. 105
    aimai says:

    When Cole’s foot touched the deck, reality outran apprehension. That’s the only line I can distinctly remember of Moby Dick, other than Call me Ishmael. But its a natural for the great white tunch.


  106. 106
    jl says:

    The old adversary culture of pets and owners has turned into a mass adversarial cynicism. The common assumption is that elite owners are always hiding something. Bigshot owners are in it for themselves. Those people at the top are nowhere near as smart or as wonderful as pure and all-knowing Me.

    You end up with movements like the Tunch escape and the Fat Boy Trot that try to dispense with authority altogether. They reject hierarchies and leaders because they don’t believe in the concepts. The whole world should be like Rosie, a disbursed semianarchy in which authority is suspect and each individual is king.

    I don’t know if Amercia has a leadership problem; it certainly has a followership problem. Vast majorities of Cole’s pets don’t trust their institutions. That’s not mostly because our institutions perform much worse than they did before the healthful slimming diet, when the owners were widely trusted. It’s mostly because more pets are cynical and like to pretend that they are better than everything else around them. Vanity has more to do with rising distrust than anything else.

  107. 107
    S. cerevisiae says:

    @aimai: Or Hunter S. Thompson. Or Lovecraft. This could be a long thread…

  108. 108
    S. cerevisiae says:

    @jl: Oh lord, I’m dying here!

  109. 109
    JGabriel says:


    Scarcely a moment later, an immense white man followed the cat through the window, with only an artfully placed mop concealing his private parts …

    This calls for a link back to John Cole’s Original Naked Mopping Comment:

    I decided to combine some housecleaning with personal hygiene, stripped naked to mop the bathroom and mopped my way into the tub, then, forgetting that the last time I showered I had not turned the knob back so that the water would come out the bottom when I turned it back on, started the shower. This, of course, shot cold water onto the back of my head and neck and back, causing me to shoot straight up into the air, trying to stabilize myself with the mop, slipping, and falling through the shower curtain, almost braining myself on the commode.
    I won’t do that again.


  110. 110
    Kristine says:

    @BGinCHI: Bravo!

    My pick for 2012 Comment of the Year. Voting early.

  111. 111
    hilzoy says:

    We were somewhere around Bethany on the edge of the wasteland when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive…” And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge white flying cats, all swooping and screeching “Catch me? Just TRY and catch me!” and waving sprinklers at me and diving around the car, which was going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Wheeling. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?”

    “What the hell are you yelling about?”, my attorney muttered. “Never mind,” I said. “It’s your turn to drive.” I hit the gas and aimed the Great Red Shark straight into the Ohio River. No point mentioning Tunch, I thought. The poor bastard will see him soon enough.

  112. 112
    jl says:


    ” No point mentioning Tunch. The poor bastard will see him soon enough.”

    Prose that sends shivers down my spine.

  113. 113
    BGinCHI says:



  114. 114
    hilzoy says:

    Tunchie is icumen in
    Lhude sing Subaru
    Screameþ John
    And sprinkler on
    And springeþ Tunch anew
    Well singes Subaru
    Ne swik þu nauer nu.

  115. 115
    BGinCHI says:

    A guerrilla literary parody set of comments for a weekly post would no doubt be a blog first.

    This blog, of all blogs, could pull it off.

  116. 116
    BGinCHI says:

    @hilzoy: As Pound said:

    Sing: Goddamm.

  117. 117
    burnspbesq says:

    Once upon a time and a very good time it was there was a Tunchie coming down along the road …

  118. 118
    jl says:

    “I put the dog toy down and left the crate. Goody two shoes was dining in the kitchen, and I took my place opposite the little goddess, who lifted her eyes to give me a questioning glance, which I successfully ignored. She leaned back, serene, with that peculiar smile of hers sealing the unexpressed depths of her sereneness. A continuous shower of small flies streamed through the light, upon the cloth, upon our paws and faces. Suddenly the slllen fatboy put his saturnine white head in the doorway, and said in a tone of scathing contempt:

    “‘Mistah Cole! he honked!.’ ”

  119. 119
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    attempt 3 to post a Moby Tunch

    Chapter 1: Loomings

    Call me Tunch. Some hours ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no food in my bowl, and nothing particular to interest me inside, I thought I would sail about a little and see the grassy part of the neighbourhood. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen, and regulating the circulation.

  120. 120
    TheMightyTrowel says:

    there was more. SOMEONE ON HIGH release the spam filter!

  121. 121
    jl says:

    Why is he tailing me all over town? Does he think I’m pretty or what?

  122. 122
    reality-based says:

    in iambic pentameter, sonnet version:

    Since there’s no help, now let Sir Tunch depart
    Nay, John, have done: he needs no more of thee
    You should be glad: yea, glad with all your heart
    That Tunch has gotten sleek enough to flee
    The white cat needs his space, room to carouse
    But he’ll be back at dinner time again
    Let not his jaunts your feeble ire arouse
    He’s still your Tunch – and Rose and Lily’s bane.
    Why must John chase, panting and out of breath?
    Why irk your neighbors with those car-horn cries?
    Tunch doesn’t know he’s scaring you to death
    Twas you who bade him get some exercise
    Yet if thou wouldst, thy trouble to avenge
    Let sprinklers fly; and savor your revenge

    (with apologies to Michael Drayton. )

  123. 123
    BGinCHI says:

    @reality-based: Idea’s Mirror?

    We’ve brought this blog a long, long way.

    The original of that is a beautiful fucking poem. Vendler’s reading in her poetry text is lights out good on this.

    Thanks for the reminder to go back and read it.

  124. 124
    Elizabelle says:


    Loved this thread.

    Kudos to you for inspiring the other parodies.

  125. 125
    reality-based says:


    Yes, I’ve always loved it – the original Bad Breakup rap!

    “Since there’s no help, come, let us kiss, and part.
    Nay, I have done: you get no more of me”

    (come to think of it, there’s a couple of relationships I should have ended with just that couplet!)

    really, this is why we all hang out here – such a refreshing bunch of extremely profane and ostentatiously well-read commenters!

    (and, of course -KITTEHS!)

    my thanks, too, for kicking it off!

  126. 126

    @amk: It’s like the Goldberg rule: Every post he writes is the stupidest thing ever, until his next post. Every post about Tunch is the best ever, until the next one.

  127. 127
    Tunch says:

    الحمد الله. أنا أكره جون كول. يوم واحد أنا سحق له تحت آثار أقدام بلدي. أنا سوف تنتظر حتى لحظة أفضل، ومن ثم أنا ستضرب! وسوف نأسف جون كول اليوم الذي ألقاه تونك الغاضبين.

  128. 128
    different-church-lady says:

    he can just figure out how to heal himself because I am tired of shelling out 50 bucks every time he does this crap.

    Fifty bucks? My little man’s nickname was “Ten Pounds of P.I.T.A.” After his trip to the vet two years ago his nickname was changed to “600 Dollars of P.I.T.A.” And that was from one cut.

    He has been warned numerous times he’s just going to suffer through the next one.

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