Jumped into bed, and my back was greeted with a cold, viscous, vomitous substance. I immediately sat up, and then the dry heaving started as I raced to the bathroom peeling clothes as it dawned on me what happened and what I just landed in.
I’ve since showered and no longer have that metallic taste in my mouth where the saliva glands underneath my tongue pump overtime to keep me from throwing up on myself. I have no idea WTF I am going to do with the featherbed or the down comforter, but right now I am content to let them lie in the back yard where I threw them.
There are two options here- I pissed Rosie off and this was her vengeance, or there is something wrong with the lovely and beautiful Lily. I will sort it out in the am.
My new mantra as I go to sleep is “I love my doggies, I love my doggies, I love my doggies…”
Bago
At least you weren’t forced to lift the retching creature as some kind of vomit cannon, taking the poor beast and directing its Gastro intestinal tracts onto a hardwood floor, for ease of cleaning.
Villago Delenda Est
I am certainly glad this post was made late at night and not while people on the East Coast were contemplating their breakfasts.
Bago
Seriously, I stayed at a hotel in San Francisco hotel that had the proximity required for proper management of each end. It was small.
Odie Hugh Manatee
I have a fecal incontinent cat with chronic diarrhea.
My sympathies to you.
GeneJockey
Our 16 year old Eskie, who normally sleeps in her own bed, hopped up on our bed a couple weeks back, apparently for the sole purpose of puking on our down comforter at 3 AM.
BTDT, have the stains.
Spaghetti Lee
Have you considered the possibility that Tunch might be at fault? Or are there elemental differences between cat and dog puke that my cats-only self wouldn’t comprehend?
Anne Laurie
@Spaghetti Lee: I don’t think it was puke, and if I’m correct, volume alone would be a pretty good species indicator.
And, yes, some dogs will decide that if they’re not feeling well, then “the heart of the den” (a/k/a the people bed) is the place to be. And, yes too also, the canines are more than capable of ‘tidying up’ after an unfortunate incident by dragging the linens to hide the evidence.
Also, if it were Tunch who had Inappropriately Eliminated, believe me that one or the other dog would’ve done their best to clear up that problem before Cole went to bed. Let’s just say that dogs are scavengers by nature.
TheMightyTrowel
In my world dogs are like babies and very fast cars: lovely in pictures, nice to see in the park on a sunny sunday and totally above my pay grade for day to day maintenance.
joel hanes
In most metro areas, one dry cleaner specializes in proper care of down/feather stuff. If there’s an REI or North Face or other specialty backpacking store somewhere near, call them and ask them who they recommend to clean expensive down sleeping bags.
If the either the comforter or the featherbed is a cheapie, it might cost less to toss it and buy new.
Grondo
My wife and I were laying in bed one night when our 19-year-old cat jumped up and nestled in between our two pillows, as she usually does. But then she made one little “gak” sound, and before I could toss her out of bed and onto the floor she yakked up all over my arm, and a little on my face for good measure. It was probably the foulest-smelling thing I’ve ever smelled.
Goddamned animals.
karen marie
@joel hanes: Down comforters can go in the washing machine. Sounds like this one will require some pre-hosing, but still.
cbear
I feel for ya, dude, but you haven’t really lived until you stumble groggily out of bed at 3am one fine morning, stumble down the hall to the bathroom to take a leak—and your bare foot slips in a massive pile of dogshit, triggering the banana-peel-effect, and you end up on your back covered in the aforementioned dogshit.
Fun stuff.
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Grondo:
My bedroom is the one pet-free zone in our house. I love my cats but my bedroom remains mine. We have one exception now and that’s our new kitten. We got him at six weeks of age (and found that out later) and had to keep him in a cage when we were resting to keep him safe. I brought him in our room to keep an ear on him and now he expects to ‘go to bed’ with us.
My cat mentioned above just ‘assploded’ behind me. BRB…
OK, that’s cleaned up and the garage door is open to let the fresh air in and the foul air out.
Back to what I was saying…
Stewie, our kitten, now runs to his cage at bed time and waits for one of us to haul him along. It’s cute as hell and since he’s in his cage it’s OK with me.
My waterbed stays cat free.
mac
It was Tunch, with the Lead Pipe.
Joey Maloney
@Villago Delenda Est: Sadly, those of us on the west coast (of the Mediterranean) are just now eating our breakfasts.
I am an expert in the ways of removing all trace of all kinds of feline effluvia. Dogs, not so much. Good luck.
ulee
Rosie will have her revenge on John Cole. Pics of Rosie, above or equaling Lily and Tunch, will be displayed, featured, and promoted or there will be more of where that came from. This is not a threat, this is a promise. Yes, Rosie is pissed, and it’s best not to piss off a jack russell terrier.
Odie Hugh Manatee
Look at the bright side, someone served you biscuits in bed!
What, too soon?
Randy P
I’m not going to share any lovely poop/vomit/hairball stories about pets or babies, though I have many (stories, that is) and have told more than a few. I just want to comment that I’m amused and surprised you still have such a strong reaction, John. You have spent years around both species after all. One would think you’d get a little used to it.
Aside from Bodily Substances, surely you’ve experienced Things The Pet Thought Was A Great Idea To Carry In From Outside.
Montarvillois
I’ve lived with dogs and cats all my 65 years and don’t believe an animal would vomit on purpose.
kdaug
@Randy P:
So far we’re at 8 birds with the Golden, 3 rats with the Shepherd.
Nothing still living, for which we are thankful.
Triassic Sands
@Odie Hugh Manatee:
My sympathies to your cat.
Triassic Sands
Will you feel bad if it turns out there is something wrong with Rosie?
Schlemizel
Since it costs $40 to get the down comforter dry cleaned we have taken to keeping our bedroom door shut. For some reason the mean one thinks our bed is the only spot to toss fur balls onto, and they are always viscous.
For some reason the dopy one never ever tosses, and shes a long haired! I have never known a cat that never fur balls. Have any of you known of a cat that doesn’t toss?
Odie Hugh Manatee
@Triassic Sands:
Thanks. She’s a former feral (rescued as a older kitten) with a generic deformity that Manx cats are known for. She’s not a typical cat in that I (and to a lesser degree, my wife) are the only people she will let handle her. It took me over a year to ‘tame’ her and it was quite the experience, let me tell you. I’m pretty sure that if I hadn’t taken her she would have been put down, she was that anti-social towards humans.
She lives in our garage and comes into the house in a cage when needed. She’s happy with the arrangement and though she is free to leave she never has. When I released her it was a ‘does she stay or go’ kind of thing, but I couldn’t keep her caged forever. She’s adapted well to her new life and she acts like a little baby girl kitteh when I’m around. She is a real sweetheart with a hard look to her, she weighs all of five pounds, but the girl will face down a pit bull (I’ve witnessed it twice). She doesn’t run from dogs either, they come running at her and come to a screeching halt when she just looks up at them.
The other day a young lady came past the front of the house while walking her elderly dog. Bobbi cat saw them and any new dog passing by our house gets ‘the inspection’. So she goes trotting up to them and the young girl stopped while the dog looked on. Bobbi came up sniffed noses with the dog and then rubbed up against the dogs leg. It was as cute as it gets…lol! The young lady reached down to pet her and Bobbi reared back and hissed at her. I went out and ‘explained’ Bobbi cat to the young lady. She was surprised at a cat that would walk up to a strange dog but be afraid of humans.
Her health problems mean that one day soon we are going to have to pay a visit to the vet. While I hate cleaning up after her I am dreading that day and enjoying the ones I have with her right now.
Again, thanks for the kind word.
greennotGreen
@kdaug: During my many years of owning cats and dogs, I’ve had numerous animal corpses in the house, but also a not insignificant number of live animals. The notable ones were baby squirrel (who peed on a new blouse I hadn’t worn, and I never got the stain out,) flying squirrel, and an owl. I wanted to keep the owl, but it’s not legal in the states.
bemused
Our 13 yr old, arthritic Samoyed is a stinky dog, poor girl. She got a good grooming a couple of weeks ago with baths since but still smelly. She has to take her time going up steps and getting up from a sitting or lying position but walks fine and will even sprint to keep up with her doggie pal. Her back legs are really stiff so squatting to take a pee or poop is difficult for hers She just can’t stay in a squatting position long enough to complete the jobs so she ends up walking and doing her jobs at the same time so some pee and occasionally poop ends up left on her butt. She also has this problem of sleeping very deeply so by the time she wakes up enough to realize she has to pee, the time and exertion it takes her to get standing, it’s too late. I must wash throw rugs once or twice a week. The vet gave us some estrogen to try for awhile because elderly female dogs can have hormone issues that contributes to the urination problem but I think arthritis is the predominate cause. I have trimmed down her backside hair a lot which helps but I guess this is just something she and we have to live with. Other than the arthritis, she is a pretty active and happy girl for 13.
Scuffletuffle
@greennotGreen: Among mine were a live rabbit, live snake, live bat and countless live mice and shrews. The birds have all been dead. The rabbit was returned, taken to the basement and partially eaten.
Corpus Christy
It’s West Virginia; you can just leave it out there.
(My futon is more cat-puke than fabric at this point.)
DanF
I was with you in spirit last night John. Our new puppy dropped not one, but two large turds on the carpet and peed not once, but twice in the house. All between midnight and one AM. This AFTER I spent twenty minutes outside in my underwear waiting for him to do his business. Our bedroom was toxic. A special, sleep-free night.
wonkie
Levitation. I’ve actually done it.
My cat liked to take her foam toy balls and drop them in her water dish. Once nicely loaded with water, she’d leave them arounnd the house for me to step on. This usually happened ih the morning while I was making a barefoot trek toward the coffee pot.
danimal
I’m just dreaming of the blog hilarity if Cole were to ever sire one of them human babies. Papa Cole stories would circulate for eons.
chopper
I once came home from work early to find my giant dog had seriously explosive diarrhea all over the dining room. like it went 5 feet up the walls and everything. I’m sitting there scrubbing the walls in between heaves for an hour and a half.
elmo
I told the story here of picking up Banjo (young, terrified terrier mix) on the side of the road. He tore my hands to pieces until he realized I was trying to help him, and then he clung to me.
Well, one of the things that absolutely petrified him was having an accident in the house. It petrified him so much that it made him slightly incontinent, and then after he made his mess he would freeze, trembling until I convinced him it was okay.
So my partner and I used to say to each other, You know you’re a dog person when you’re awakened from a deep sleep at three in the morning by the dog shitting all over you and the comforter, and your first thought is “Oh the poor baby!”
Gin & Tonic
@Scuffletuffle: Our cats also believe in the catch-and-release approach (they must be liberals or something.) The rabbit wasn’t that hard to handle, but a frightened and slightly injured chipmunk is a surprisingly elusive animal.
Arismom
John,
Down comforters and featherbeds are completely washable. You need to take them to a laundromat that has an extra large capacity washing machine. Wash them in hot water with detergent and a generous portion of Nature’s Miracle, which you can buy at a pet supply store. After the wash cycle is complete, check to see that any stains are gone. If not, or just because it will make you feel better, repeat the wash. Then, dry them on high heat. If you have them, toss a couple of tennis balls in the dryer with them, and if at all possible, use a large capacity dryer so that there is plenty of room for the comforter and featherbed to roll around. (That is, dry them separately.) The tennis balls help keep the feathers fluffy. Then, when dry, let it hang outside in the sun to make sure that it is completely dry, shaking it frequently to keep the feathers fluffy. Your comforter and featherbed will then be better than new.
kindness
I bought two new beds recently. I got mattress covers this time. No, not the quilted pads that roll up underneath you and become a nuisance. Nice ones that are water resistant and are form fitted & zip the top mattress in a tight sealed bag. No stains. No hiding places for bugs (I’ve never had them but that’s what the package said). No muss, no fuss.
Cost about $40. You should check it out John.
@Odie Hugh Manatee: Oh. That’s almost too much information….
Jay C
@Schlemizel:
Yes, weirdly, we’ve had Himalayans for over 20 years, and have never had a furball issue with them – only with our shorthair cats. I have absolutely no idea why. And don’t want to find out.
At least cat/dog barf can clean off: one of our little darlings wasn’t feeling well a couple of weeks back, and decided to inform us (at 2:00am, of course, do the goddam creatures have some sort of timer for these things?) by voiding about a
gallon literpint of malodorous urine onto the mattress at the foot of our bed. Fun.Oh, and a hint about home washing down comforters? Be really thorough drying and/or repeatedly cold-fluffing them to get the down puffed up. Use laundry balls, or the traditional clean sneakers, to whack them around in the dryer. We found out the hard way by washing a cheap (mostly feather) one, and the damn feathers clumped up and are alomost impossible to separate again (even when dry).
Jay C
@danimal:
Yeah, but after the twentieth or thirtieth blogpost featuring “projectile evacuation from various bodily orifices” as a theme, you might want to rethink that…..
ET
Look before you lay should be your new mantra before getting into bed.
Skepticat
I second Arismom’s and Jay C’s advice on the comforter (and perhaps the featherbed as well), with the addendum that Woolite is best because detergent can strip the feathers’ natural oils. The tennis/dryer balls and/or sneakers are key to retaining the fluffiness.
I had the feral cat spayed Tuesday, and because we were having tropical storm conditions, kept her inside for the night so she could recover from the anesthesia. Unfortunately, she managed to get out of the small (easily cleaned, complete with litter box) bathroom in which I had her confined. All my sleep sofa cushion and covers, throw pillows, throw rugs, and the clothes I wore during cleanup are soaking in Oxi-Clean in the tub, getting ready for the wash. Thank goodness for Simple Solution for the cushions themselves. For a tiny cat, it’s astounding the volume of urine and feces she was able to deposit everywhere to express her displeasure.
Clime Acts
@DanF:
You really should try crate training the dog. Works miracles. Neither of the two dogs we house trained this way EVER made a mess inside.
Clime Acts
@elmo:
Consider that the dog really ought to have its own sleeping space. A nicely appointed crate works great, and most dogs love having their own “den.”
Boundaries are a healthy thing. Cole refuses to learn this lesson.
elmo
@Clime Acts:
Oh, I know. Believe me, I’m a crate-training evangelist, and we have crates on every floor and in every major room of the house. Kitchen, living room, bedroom, spare bedroom – crates in all. Dogs are denning creatures, and love crates.
Except for Banjo. Banjo is highly neurotic, was severely abused and witnessed inter-human abuse, and crates render him totally incontinent almost the instant you shut the door. Which defeats the purpose of the crate entirely.
Just Some Fuckhead
I prefer kitchen nightmares.
Clime Acts
@elmo:
:(
Poor Banjo. He is lucky to have you. In that case I would probably wrap him in swaddling clothes each night and hold him in my sleeping arms. :D Our Hellen was a bit of a psycho when we got her too, but the crate seemed to calm her. Like us, they are all different.
Banjo is an adorable name. :D
Jebediah
@elmo:
I resemble that remark!
Otto (85 lb. AmStaff) almost never has accidents, but as he gets older (now 13 1/2) they will probably get a bit more frequent.
A few years ago he did have one. He deposited a very large poop entirely on the vacuum cleaner. (Not a speck hit the floor.) Never figured out if he chose that spot as revenge against the vacuum (what dog doesn’t hate the vacuum?) or because he is the best, smartest dog ever and figured out that since the vacuum cleans things up, directly on it would be the least objectionable spot.
Jebediah
@bemused:
Otto is starting to get some of that back leg wobbliness and stiffness too. One of the medicines he is on is Metacam, which really seems to help a lot. Has your vet considered it for your old girl?
Mary
I love that Cole doesn’t even entertain the possibility that Rosie could be sick. If she throws up, it clearly must be spite.
bemused
@Jebediah:
No but I can ask the vet if he thinks that would do anything for her arthritis. Another vet said she could just feel her back legs “crackle” or something like that which was about 4 years ago. She had a plate put in one knee when she was 4 so the arthritis got an early start. We think she was born with a problem with her knee but it wasn’t noticeable until later and then it was clear she was putting most of her weight on her front legs. A few times we even saw her balance her weight (60 to 65 lb) on her two front legs with her back legs a few inches off the floor when she was snarfing up a treat. That was an amazing sight. We do give her glucosamine/chondrontin and fish oil. A kennel owner recommended the fish oil and that did seem to help her about two weeks after we started her on that.
Andree-Anne Desmedt
Could have been Tunch too, you know.