Worldwide Parody & Satire Industries Collapse

NEW YORK – May 11, 2012 – Roiled by a lengthy Republican primary that featured sickly-wife dumper Newt Gingrich in the role of family values advocate, prissy uterus invader Rick Santorum as a small government champion and multimillionaire vulture capitalist Mitt Romney shedding Armani suits in favor of mom jeans and “work” shirts as he positioned himself as a regular guy (with a car elevator), the global parody and satire industries utterly collapsed Friday.

The market sector had teetered on the verge of collapse this week following an accusation from thrice four-times-married drug addict Rush Limbaugh that President Obama had attacked the institution of marriage by coming out in favor of same-sex unions. But some analysts had thought the sector was positioned for recovery.

Those hopes were dashed early Friday when parody and satire futures were bludgeoned by the publication of an opinion piece by 21-year-old single mom Bristol Palin. The daughter of failed vice-presidential candidate and serial quitter Sarah Palin criticized the president for allowing his daughters to influence marriage equality policy, decried the persecution of conservative Christians and urged the president to direct his children since “dads should lead their family.”

“Parody and satire were already on life support thanks to Rush,” said analyst Seymour Butts of the Under the Bleachers Report. “But when Bristol let loose, even hard-bitten industry veterans who had survived the Nixon and Reagan years threw in the towel.”

Most experts were unable to articulate a scenario under which parody and satire could recover. However, at least one long-term analyst envisioned a resurgence contingent upon a direct asteroid strike on the earth that wipes out all existing life, after which single-cell organisms might once more emerge and evolve to acquire language skills.

[X-posted at Rumproast]

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61 replies
  1. 1
    taylormattd says:

    Ha.

  2. 2
    taylormattd says:

    Hey folks, watch Glenn Greenwald go into full meltdown mode on Scott Lemieux here: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?.....=nAQGeCWoH

  3. 3
    David Fud says:

    I think you need the “Bring on the Meteor” tag here.

  4. 4
    r€nato says:

    ha!

    you wrote this? You should apply to The Onion.

  5. 5
    Egg Berry says:

    At least we still have the Irony markets. Although I’m long on Hypocrisy.

  6. 6
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    Bristol, you make it difficult for me to adhere to my general rule about not picking on pols’ kids (the Mittlets being a well deserved exception) and my specific sympathy for you as the daughter of at least one aggressively ignorant narcissist.

    I shall confine my remarks to noting that Todd Palin’s paternal leadership has produced more grandchildren than high school diplomas.

  7. 7
    SatanicPanic says:

    Invest in chutzpah or “choots-paw” as some people prefer

  8. 8
    Nina says:

    You have an error – Limbaugh was married 4 times, not 3.

  9. 9
    ericblair says:

    Are these Saville Row bespoke jeans and work shirts? I suppose he had a minion tossed into a gravel pit and dragged by wolves for a day or so to get the authentic “worn” look. Otherwise, how else does that happen?

  10. 10
    beltane says:

    @Jim, Foolish Literalist: Also, Bristol’s own out-of-wedlock child does not have any father figure at all in his life. Funny how this idiot will preach about the need for “traditional” families while at the same time denying her child of the benefits of one.

  11. 11
    Linda Featheringill says:

    In Bristol’s defense:

    She might long for a strong father figure in her life and she might have done some thinking about what a good father would be like. Obviously, she would like to the Old Man to make at least some of the decisions.

    I realize that her child has no live-in father but I really don’t think that Levi being in residence would make things any better.

    End of arguments for the defense.

  12. 12
    beltane says:

    @taylormattd: The thread on Lawyers, Guns & Money was enlightening in that it reminded me of that Matt Stoller still exists. What an unwelcome blast from the past that was.

  13. 13
    Strandedvandal says:

    Well done!

  14. 14
    dexwood says:

    The Mockery market seems stronger than ever with no end in sight. Opportunities are everywhere. Would it be unseemly for a married man old enough to be your father to say I love you?

  15. 15
    WereBear says:

    Loved this!

    Another plug for the Dr. Altemeyer’s The Authoritarians. (google for free PDF)

    This was the work that explained why all the parts of a Wingnut’s brain never actually mesh with each other, and thus they are immune to self-awareness; and irony.

  16. 16
    Marc says:

    “However, at least one long-term analyst envisioned a resurgence contingent upon a direct asteroid strike on the earth that wipes out all existing life, after which single-cell organisms might once more emerge and evolve to acquire language skills.”

    And shame. Don’t forget shame.

  17. 17
    Jager says:

    Jesus turns to God and says, “I can’t forgive them father because they know what they do.” God says, “Son, do you want me to take care of them with tornados, hurricanes, eathquakes or floods?” Jesus says, “I don’t care Dad, just as long as you take out Tony Perkins first.”

  18. 18
    beltane says:

    @Linda Featheringill: Bristol and her ghostwriter do not need any defending. Yes, it’s a shame she has a mother who instructed her in the facts of life by leaving her alone in a bedroom with a naked boy and a bottle of booze, but she is an adult now and since she has chosen to cast stones it is appropriate that the details of her own life be subject to scrutiny. Yes, her child is probably better off without Levi, just as he would probably be better off without the loser his mother is currently living with. Come to think of it, he would also be better off without any of his blood relatives in the picture.

  19. 19
    Jared says:

    Rush has been married four times, not three.

  20. 20
    Egg Berry says:

    Why do we find it acceptable as a society to let every D-list celebrity have a ghostwriter and then claim that the words are their own?

  21. 21
    Randy P says:

    Oh shit. I had $2 billion bet with my bookie on the derivatives market that Parody was going to make a comeback.

  22. 22
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    @Egg Berry:

    At least we still have the Irony markets. Although I’m long on Hypocrisy.

    __
    You really should consider putting your money in my new index fund. It is composed of a mezzanine tranche of synthetic bonds based on heavily leveraged swaps against the volatility of Stupidity, Ignorance, Racism, Gluttony, Lack of Self-Awareness, Missing Pen Caps, Drunken Orgies, Bad Risk Management, Socks That Go Missing in the Dryer, Scary Clowns, People Doing Stupid Things on YouTube Videos, and Republicans Acting Evil on Days that End in Y.
    __
    We are going to make a fucking killing.

  23. 23
    jibeaux says:

    How’s that two-parent-householdy thing workin’ out for ya? ‘Bout as well as that abstinence as contraception thing?

    (I’m not going to feel guilty about that, she’s an adult, she’s in the public eye, she’s posting stupid shit on the internet, and she made a boatload of money preaching about abstinence in high school while millions of girls who managed to graduate without a baby have to work for a living.)

  24. 24
    jibeaux says:

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ: I am intrigued by your proposal but am wondering if you have a small cap offering consisting of Apathy, Despair, Vending Machine Snacks That Refuse To Jump, and Seltzer Bottles That Explode Carbonation No Matter How Carefully They Are Opened.

  25. 25
    Egg Berry says:

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ: I am interested in your ideas. Do you have a newsletter?

  26. 26
    rea says:

    Rush has been married four times, not three.

    It’s easy to confuse him with Gingrich.

  27. 27
    Belafon (formerly anonevent) says:

    @taylormattd: Not allowed to go to facebook at work. What’s the gist?

  28. 28
    Patricia Kayden says:

    Hilarious post! You need to write for SNL.

  29. 29
    SatanicPanic says:

    @Belafon (formerly anonevent): Check out the LGM thread. It’s already pretty epic

  30. 30
    Patricia Kayden says:

    @beltane: I thought Bristol said that Johnston raped her during a camping trip, but I could be wrong. I get the trailer trash stories mixed up at times.

  31. 31
    cmorenc says:

    @Linda Featheringill:

    She might long for a strong father figure in her life and she might have done some thinking about what a good father would be like. Obviously, she would like to the Old Man to make at least some of the decisions.
    I realize that her child has no live-in father but I really don’t think that Levi being in residence would make things any better.
    End of arguments for the defense.

    Well done defense of a very challenging client, counsel. Can’t wait to see you work your magic putting a positive framing around Jerry Sandusky. :=)

  32. 32
    sherparick says:

    @Nina: That shows how much he believes in marriage!! I am sure he is going for 7.

  33. 33
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    @jibeaux:
    __
    I might be able to offer something like that in a month or two. We were working on a product designed to appeal to customers who take anti-depressant medications along those lines, with the centerpiece being Political Advertising That Makes You Want to Shoot Your TV with a High Caliber Rifle. I must confess I hadn’t considered the Exploding Selzer Bottle option, but we are currently in negotiations to get a piece of the action on Washington Post Concern-Troll Op-Ed Articles. Unfortunately a similar option on the NYT was out of our price range.

  34. 34
    Culture of Truth says:

    Speakig of Nixon, I believe Mort Sahl said satire died they day they gave Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize.

  35. 35
    cmorenc says:

    @beltane:

    she has a mother who instructed her in the facts of life by leaving her alone in a bedroom with a naked boy and a bottle of booze…

    Every parent should know that this scenario is precisely the kind of sex education every red-blooded hetero teenage boy dreams about every night and every day when they’re not momentarily busy playing some sport.

  36. 36
    Djur says:

    @Patricia Kayden: I don’t recall her saying it was nonconsensual. I remember her saying she was drunk, which isn’t necessarily the same thing.

    I’d go look it up, but I’d rather be caught at work whacking it to midget porn than type ‘how was bristol palin’s babby formed’ into Google.

  37. 37
    burnspbesq says:

    The Onion is too big to fail, and will be bailed out by the federal government.

    TBogg will go throw a prepackaged bankruptcy masterminded by the Treasury Department, in which his secured creditors will take it in the shorts and his unionized employees will lose their retiree health benefits.

  38. 38
    Kib says:

    Tell me Bristol knows Dora The Explorer is a cartoon. Please.

  39. 39
    BGK says:

    @Djur:

    I’d go look it up, but I’d rather be caught at work whacking it to midget porn

    That’s not an actionable item as defined by my employer’s code of conduct. I’d prefer not to disclose how I came by that knowledge. Given we clearly state our internet monitoring policy and most employees work in low-walled modular desks with a clear view of at least half their co-workers’ monitors, the required willful ignorance is mind-numbing.

  40. 40
    shortstop says:

    I partly blame every liberal who egged on Meghan McCain–“I can’t stand her old man, but I love her for sticking it to her party!”–for this.

  41. 41
    The Fool says:

    So Bristol says dads should lead their families. Cause it ain’t like her mom is the one wearing the pants in and leading her family, oh no!

  42. 42
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Awesome!

  43. 43
    Jim, Foolish Literalist says:

    @shortstop: Did you see Herself’s tweet on Obama’s gay marriage endorsement: “Too late and only under political pressure, but it’s good he finally did the right thing”. Of course, you take away the name and that could have been written by any number of liberals.

  44. 44
    jibeaux says:

    TPM has a piece up about how Romney won’t be uncomfortable speaking at Liberty U., because they outlaw “counterculture” hairstyles. First comment is still making me giggle: “Great to be here at Liberty! The hair is just the right length!”

  45. 45
    daveNYC says:

    @Djur: The way it was told, it implied that it was fishy and not really 100% consensual. Personally, if a Palin told me the sky was blue, I’d grab an umbrella before going outside for confirmation.

  46. 46
    artem1s says:

    @burnspbesq:

    The Onion is too big to fail, and will be bailed out by the federal government.

    ah, so they’ve decided to let SNL go under then?

  47. 47
    Schlemizel says:

    @Culture of Truth:
    Lucky for Mort he died before he could see the reanimated remains anally raped by the current GOP clown car

  48. 48
    Schlemizel says:

    @artem1s: ah, so they’ve decided to let SNL go under then?

    dear lard I hope so, its 20 years too late already

  49. 49
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    @Schlemizel:

    dear lard I hope so, its 20 years too late already

    __
    Except that they did some good work in 2008 also too, you betcha!

  50. 50
    MikeBoyScout says:

    Although it is still early in the day out here on the Left Coast, I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I say this will be the best thing I read all day.

    WELL DONE!

  51. 51
    ABL says:

    BRAVA. You’re a gottdamn genius, that’s what you are.

  52. 52
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @Culture of Truth:

    That was Tom Lehrer. He retired from the funny satirical song biz after that atrocious event.

  53. 53
    Tehanu says:

    Hilarious. Thanks Betty!

  54. 54
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @daveNYC:

    Yeah, well, Todd and Sarah lie easier than they breathe, and their kids are acorns off the rotten oak.

    That entire family is an utter disgrace. Mendacity and vindictiveness are their most significant qualities.

  55. 55
    g says:

    @Linda Featheringill: Your defense speaks eloquently to her right to be a dumbass, but I hope you’re not speaking in favor of her giving a parenting lecture to the president.

  56. 56

    […] I’ll just bring you this breaking news story from the able journalist Betty Cracker at Balloon Juice: Worldwide Parody & Satire Industries CollapseNEW YORK – May 11, 2012 – Roiled by a […]

  57. 57
    marindenver says:

    And not only that Bristol’s ghost blogger had the cajones to write that post but it got picked up by Memeorandum like it should actually BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!! I don’t think a bailout is in the works for the parody and satire sectors but the snark segment could make a comeback.

    Also, too: “Under the Bleachers Report” Heh.

  58. 58
    Ben Cisco says:

    Post ‘O The Week!

  59. 59
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Damn, Betty. You brought the wood and you hit a home run!

  60. 60
    Rasputin's Evil Twin says:

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ: I’m working on a holding in “Youthful Indiscretions”, a good catch-all for everything from why you beat up your gay classmates to explaining where the bastard children came from.
    Works for politicians, sports figures, rappers, clergy, and anyone else who can’t face reality. If a GOP congressman can claim it for actions at the age of 44, I can make some $$ from it.

  61. 61
    Reginald Selkirk says:

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ:
    You mean mocking Bristol’s mom by quoting her verbatim?

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