Maybe the Most Perfect Wingnut Paragraph Ever

Joe Kovacs at Wingnut Daily:

Medical examiners in Los Angeles are investigating the possible poisoning death of one of their own officials who may have worked on the case of Andrew Breitbart, the conservative firebrand who died March 1, the same day Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced probable cause for forgery in President Obama’s birth certificate.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

71 replies
  1. 1
    Tara the Antisocial Social Worker says:

    No Vince Foster / Ron Brown connection?

  2. 2
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Tara the Antisocial Social Worker: LOL.

    I’d love to know what these people drink/eat that they can develop these absurd connections.

  3. 3
    dmsilev says:

    That’s an awful lot of crazy to cram into a single sentence. What, exactly, is it supposed to mean? “Someone” had this coroner whacked, presumably someone connected to the nefarious Obama Chicago gang. The whacking is presumably to cover up the fact that Breitbart was himself whacked. And this, therefore and inescapably, has something to do with a completely separate (and still living) wingnut who announced on the same day that he was a moron.

    Yes, makes perfect sense.

  4. 4
    Tara the Antisocial Social Worker says:

    The “Ron Brown’s body had a bullet hole in his head” conspiracy theory remains my benchmark for crackpottery. To believe this, you have to believe that an assassin got on the plane, shot him, and then crashed the plane to get rid of the witnesses (presumably including one not-too-bright assassin?).

    The part I could never figure out: if you’re going to crash the plane to get rid of the witnesses, WHAT’S THE POINT OF SHOOTING HIM? he can only die once.

  5. 5
    BGinCHI says:

    Get Fred Hiatt on line 3, this guy is going to the top!

  6. 6
    trollhattan says:

    Note to self: dig out my “Stop raping people!” tshirt to demonstrate I am Breitbart.

  7. 7
    Sly says:

    @PurpleGirl:

    I’d love to know what these people drink/eat that they can develop these absurd connections.

    Non-fluoridated water.

  8. 8
    Tara the Antisocial Social Worker says:

    @dmsilev:

    And this, therefore and inescapably, has something to do with a completely separate (and still living) wingnut who announced on the same day that he was a moron.

    Arpaio might be alive, but I’m pretty sure Donald Trump is a muppet being controlled by the hairpiece.

  9. 9
    BGinCHI says:

    @Tara the Antisocial Social Worker: Haven’t you ever seen “You Only Die Twice”?

    GOP fan fave.

  10. 10
    Xecky Gilchrist says:

    Stick a Wake up, Sheeple! on the end of that and call it a day!

  11. 11
    Yutsano says:

    It’s still unclear if Cormier personally worked on the probe into Breitbart’s death, and WND has left messages with the coroner’s office seeking comment.

    15 million people live in LA. Couldn’t be a personal grudge.

    No indication of marital or relationship status.

    No ruling of accidental death yet and won’t know for five weeks.

    Coroner in LA County mysteriously dying that may or may not be covering up Breitbart’s murder? SEEMS LEGIT!

  12. 12
    MattF says:

    Amazon customer review of Jerome Corsi’s masterpiece “Where’s the Birth Certificate?”:

    http://www.amazon.com/review/R.....tore=books

  13. 13
    the Conster says:

    Shouldn’t they be suspicious of Putin? That’s more his MO. Maybe by signing the START treaty Putin agreed to off Obama’s enemies, also too. Wheee! The call is coming from inside my head!

  14. 14
    jl says:

    And a day after the press corp dinner, at which NObama included a shout out to dirty internet bloggers, we see this frightening news on Yahoo front page.

    Washington gala haters flock to Twitter

    A ritual of many who don’t go to the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is to blast those who do.
    http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cu.....32546.html

    Coincidence? I think not. NObama was clearly sending a secret signal to his totalitarian social media hordes to silence Fox News.

    And, I note the story has a pic of Blitzer with hot babe, and Blitzer looks, again, like he is on a zombie drug.

  15. 15
    Quaker in a Basement says:

    He’s on to us! Operation Flush the Goldfish is go, people.

  16. 16
    beltane says:

    @dmsilev: When I read this paragraph, my first thought was: Why is Joe Arpaio having everyone whacked?

  17. 17
    David Koch says:

    This sounds like a case for Quincy.

  18. 18
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    Again with the numerology fetish. Obama probably chose March 1 because that’s when the power of the Kenyan Death God reaches its zenith.

  19. 19
    efgoldman says:

    It takes a really very special talent to write parody like that. The Onion is in deep trouble when satire of this quality is showing up on a legitimate wingnut news site.

    Wait, what?

  20. 20
    Marcellus Shale, Public Dick says:

    i won’t believe it until they figure out a way to blame suge knight or rick ross.

  21. 21
    dmsilev says:

    So, presumably the same nefarious hit squad that took about Breitbart and this coroner who was about to blow the whistle on the coverup is still around. And equally presumably, their mission is to maintain the coverup.

    Therefore, we can all expect to see Jerome Corsi die in a hilariously ironic fashion by roughly Thursday. Unless, of course, Corsi is working for Obama as a mole in the conservative movement, with the mission of discrediting everything that comes out of World Net Daily.

  22. 22
    BGinCHI says:

    Where was Obambi on said day?

    VICTORY!

  23. 23
    David Koch says:

    I hope they have a hologram of breitbart at the Tampa convention.

  24. 24
    Yutsano says:

    @David Koch: Holee crap. Colbert would have a field day.

  25. 25
    cathyx says:

    If they wanted to hush the birth certificate findings, they should have killed Arpaio.

  26. 26
    Donald G says:

    @beltane:

    @dmsilev: When I read this paragraph, my first thought was: Why is Joe Arpaio having everyone whacked?

    Why, to provide WingNut Daily with the conspiracy theory that their mutual enemy is having opponents whacked, of course.

    If a particular conspiracy theory doesn’t yet exist, you have to go out to create the conditions which give rise to that conspiracy theory.

  27. 27
    Roger Moore says:

    @cathyx:
    Maybe they should have produced a more convincing forgery. Given that Obama controls the whole Hawaii state government, how hard could it be for him to get a CIA quality forgery long form birth certificate put into the vault in Hawaii. Then he could finally put the whole thing to rest with a long form vault copy. Obviously, he’s just keeping the birth certificate issue alive to prevent people from paying attention to something even worse.

  28. 28
    jl says:

    Well, I just posted a comment saying that I thought that most of the recent t r * l l z were S p 00 fs. And told Doug Jay Infiltrator of Inebreity that he should try better, or take a break.

    And my comment was suddenly marked as S P * m.

    Coincidence? I think not.

    Wake up sheeples!

  29. 29
    cathyx says:

    @Roger Moore: Or just kill Arpaio.

  30. 30
    russell says:

    Never been to WND before. Holy crap that is a weird, weird website. I kept looking for the Onion logo.

  31. 31
    dmsilev says:

    @Roger Moore:

    Obviously, he’s just keeping the birth certificate issue alive to prevent people from paying attention to something even worse.

    That’s because the *real* secret is that Barack Obama was never actually born. Instead, he willed himself into existence.

  32. 32
    MikeJ says:

    @jl: Chicago style spam filtering.

  33. 33
    JPL says:

    I just copied and pasted the statement in I write like and the result was H.P. Lovecraft. I have never read his material but google said he wrote sci-fi and fantasy so that fits.

  34. 34

    […] Balloon Juice » Blog Archive » Maybe the Most Perfect Wingnut Paragraph Ever Share and Enjoy:Written by: Jerrald Hayes on April 29, 2012. […]

  35. 35
    Roger Moore says:

    @cathyx:
    No, no. Killing Arpaio, even with something subtle like a heart attack, would have triggered a massive wingnut freakout. Birtherism is like a hydra. When you hack off one head of the investigation, two new ones spring up, plus maybe a couple more to investigate what happened to the old one.

  36. 36
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    @MattF:

    Which reminds me, didn’t you LOVE that broad wink POTUS dropped last night after he concluded his autobiography with “I was born in Hawaii”? LOL, but the man is a natural-born comedian. Fabulous timing.

  37. 37

    Obama couldn’t have possibly dun it. He was personally wasting OBL in the jungles of hell with his Kbar and bare teeths. He does have ninja though, fuckers are ever where.

    YOU LIE!!

  38. 38
    Redshift says:

    @efgoldman: Poe’s Law. And yet somehow the Onion survives. I guess it’s because you can’t out-crazy them, but you can easily out-funny them.

  39. 39
    jazzgurl says:

    You people are too cute. I have been giggling hysterically at the comments for the last ten minutes!
    The absurdity is a straight Monty Python classic!!

  40. 40
    Roger Moore says:

    @JPL:
    I think the more traditional description of Lovecraft’s writing is “weird fiction”, which is more or less at the intersection of science fiction, fantasy, and horror. The basic idea is that our world is far stranger and more dangerous that people realize, but that ordinary people are prevented from realizing this because encounters with the strange, dangerous side of the world tend to drive people out of their minds. His writing style is far more turgid than is popular today, which is probably what triggered the Lovecraft rating for this passage.

  41. 41
    PurpleGirl says:

    @Sly: But I thought it was the fluoridation that was bad… that’s what the John Birch Society said.

  42. 42
    bemused says:

    Do writers at wnd really believe all this nutty stuff or are they just cranking up their gullible readers? Either way, they need extensive psychiatric therapy.

  43. 43
    AlladinsLamp says:

    Glenn Beck, Thursday AM, echoed Sen. Grassley’s call for a full investigation of the Columbia/Secret Service escapade.

    Because the prostitute was likely working for FARC, the Columbian sepratist group, and FARC was in league with the Russians.

    I’m sure Brietbart’s death, and the Coroner’s too, are in there, somewhere.

  44. 44
    Mr Stagger Lee says:

    @russell: That is why the site, is known among the great unwashed as World NUT Daily.

  45. 45
    Kevin says:

    I love it! “who may have worked on”. Just a random Los Angelas death, and the conspiracy begins. They cannot be parodied. Fantastic!

  46. 46
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    The stupid. It burns.

  47. 47
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @AlladinsLamp:

    Because the prostitute was likely working for FARC, the Columbian sepratist group, and FARC was in league with the Russians.

    Well, I went home with the waitress
    The way I always do
    How was I to know
    She was with the Russians, too

  48. 48

    […] wingnut mind is a wonder to behold. Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

  49. 49
    Monkeyfister says:

    @dmsilev:

    EXACTLY… A LOT of stupid, packed into One.Single.Sentence.

    I’ve noticed Chelsea Clinton is mostly off the radar… I bet they had her NINJA-TRAINED from Day One.

    For my Wingnut Silver Dollar– I bet it was Ninja Chelsea. She’s not the “White House Dog,” She’s the Democratic Dire Wolf.

    Cue dramatic sound effect: Dun-Dun– DUUUNNNN!!!

  50. 50
    Argive says:

    @MattF:

    That review is a masterpiece. Twain or Swift could not have done better.

  51. 51
  52. 52
    B says:

    He wasn’t the medical examiner nor was he the pathologist. He was a forensic technician. They assists and collect evidence at the autopsy. He also was on a special crime scene detail as a photographer. They have really jumped the shark on this one. And, it is making the rounds on all of the crazy right wing web sites as well as comments showing up on legitimate news sites.

  53. 53
    jl says:

    @Monkeyfister:

    “Chelsea Clinton is mostly off the radar”

    I read the corporate media Village is pissed at her because she won’t give teary on camera tell alls about the.. you know… Monica.

    What did she think she got that nepo gig for anyway? For reporting?

    Just takes a few rotten celeb nepo hires who ‘don’t get it’ to ruin the nepo hire industry.

  54. 54
    ruemara says:

    @BGinCHI: You’re wrong. Crank: High Revoltage.

  55. 55
    GxB says:

    @MattF: That’s beautiful man, L Ron has nothing on that. Course Poe’s law and all…

  56. 56
    kth says:

    If the coroner’s report finds Breitbart’s blood vessels fetid with cocaine, Bacardi 151, amyl nitrate, and lard, they will only conclude that Obama’s thugs made him ingest all that stuff.

  57. 57
    Low Umbrage Threshold says:

    @JPL: I thought it was pretty Lovecraftian, too, but called Chtulu just to make sure.

    He wasn’t in; however, Yog-Soggth answered and took a look at the paragraph. It laughed so hard that milk came out of its nose, but Yog was disappointed that there was no mention of Michelle Malkin.

  58. 58

    A POSSIBLE poisoning of an official who MAY have worked on Breitbart? Impeach!

    Hilarious.

  59. 59
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    Cheney is trying to cover his tracks now that he’s Powered by Breitbart.

    Expect more mysterious deaths surrounding Breitbart, secrecy must be maintained at all costs!

  60. 60
    Roger Moore says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee:

    Expect more mysterious deaths surrounding tenuously associated with Breitbart, secrecy conspiracy theory must be maintained at all costs!

    FTFY.

  61. 61

    From the comments:

    This is all highly disturbing news. Even though we cannot draw any definitive conclusions from the facts so far, the specter of suspicion cannot be ignored.

    The amazon rewiew might be Jonathon Swift. He did stuff like that and he was good. He stopped blogging a few years ago, I’m not sure why. Maybe Obama had him killed.

  62. 62

    Here it is http://jonswift.blogspot.com/
    last post March 2009. Very funny snark.

  63. 63
    PurpleGirl says:

    @gocart mozart: Jon Swift died in March 2010. I believe he was sick for a while before he died.

    ETA: He did not have health insurance.

  64. 64

    Damn, that sucks.

  65. 65
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Roger Moore:

    That’s not fixed, that’s the translation! ;p

  66. 66
    Gus says:

    I don’t know. Quoting WND is kind of like nutpicking.

  67. 67
    amk says:

    Yay, peak wingnut has arrived.

  68. 68
    danielx says:

    @bemused:

    I’ve no doubt that some of them do believe it, and will go on believing it no matter what. As for the psychiatric treatment, fuhgeddaboutit – six months of shock treatments and a barrel of xanax wouldn’t help these folks.

  69. 69
    sharl says:

    Regarding the late blogger Jon Swift (in real life, Al Weisel), no one would have ever known he passed away, were it not for his mother posting a comment* in his final blog post shortly after the funeral. Apparently his family was not aware of just how popular he was on the intertoobz (shades of the late Steve Gilliard there).

    Ironically, that final Swift/Weisel post was in honor of a personal tragedy of a fellow blogger (in fact, a somewhat regular commenter here at B-J).

    *Here is Al Weisel’s mother’s comment:

    mlfcyw said…
    __
    I don’t know how else to tell you all who love this blog. I am Jon Swift’s Mom and I guess I’m going to OUT him. He was Al Weisel, my beloved son. Al was on his way to his father’s funeral in VA when he suffered 2 aortic aneurysms, a leaky aortic valve and an aortic artery dissection from his heart to his pelvis. He had 3 major surgeries within 24 hours and sometime during those surgeries also suffered a severe stroke. We, his 2 sisters, his brother, his partner and his best friend since he was 9 years old were with him as he took his last breath. We have all lost a shining start who warmed our hearts, tormented us and made us laugh as he giggled at our pulling something over on us. He passed away on February 27, 2010. My beloved child will live on in so many hearts. I miss him more than I can say. If you are on Facebook, go to organizations and join “Friends of Al Weisel, Unite!” It will give you just a taste of how special he was. Farewell, Jon (Al)
    __
    3/02/2010 8:14 AM

  70. 70
    sharl says:

    Eh, blockquote fail. But clear enough, I hope.

  71. 71
    Nemesis says:

    The Plan is coming together.

    Unfortunate, but sometimes you must break a few eggs to make an omlet…

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