This Here’s Prime Wankery Territory, Boys

Hey, Sensible Village Centrists?  If you want a jump on Duncan’s next list of all-star hemorrhoids, there’s the exquisite opportunity to tell us yokels how Hilary Rosen’s statement about Ann Romney is just as awful as the Motor City Madman threatening the President’s life if he’s re-elected.

If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year,” Nugent said, according to a video posted on YouTube by the NRA. “If you can’t go home and get everybody in your lives to clean house in this vile, evil America hated administration, I don’t even know what you’re made out of.”

He accused the government of “wiping its ass with the Constitution you’re living under a rock some place” and labeled members of the Obama administration, including the vice president, attorney general and secretary of state “criminals.”

We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November. Am I, any questions?” Nugent said.

Only question I have is who will bite first.  Seems like this will need Bobo-level, if not FULL AND LUSH Mustache-level wankery (or MoDo The Red on the mother of all benders) to make the false equivalence Mt. Everest here.  Bonus points for “Nuge didn’t mean it, and this is central to my point, anyone who thinks he did is by and large the problem with American electorate today.”  C’mon, it writes itself, you lazy bastards.  Make it so.

101 replies
  1. 1
    kc says:

    Ted who?

  2. 2
  3. 3

    I don’t think this was a spur of the moment gaffe by Nugent. It was thought through beforehand with just enough plausible deniability to skate by the laws on threatening the president. He wants to be a tea tard gun nut hero with his mouth, taking it to the limit, and probly succeeded in that effort. As well as giving the next psycho nut the stimuli to do something violent for reals. This is going to get very very ugly.

  4. 4
    Amir Khalid says:

    It’s been decades since I saw a Ted Nugent album in a music store. Is the guy still musicking, or has he retired to full-time wingnuttery?

  5. 5
    beltane says:

    I’d go with McMegan only because David Brooks seems like the type who would prefer that Ted Nugent did not even exist.

  6. 6
    legion says:

    Does this mean that if The Nuge isn’t in jail a year from now, then I get to shoot him in the head? That would rule.

  7. 7
    David Koch says:

    Oh please.

    you know by now, IOKIYAR.

    I remember in 2004, Whoopi Goldberg made a joke at a private club about Bush being a pejorative for vagina. And for that, there was a scandal.

    Death threats by a winger will naturally be IOKIYAR.

  8. 8
    Emma says:

    Don’t be silly. Ted Nugent is a hero to those red-necked peasants the Village do not acknowledge. He does not exist in their beautiful, ordered world.

  9. 9
    Sloegin says:

    Ah, the silly season. Wherein the Nuge somehow becomes an official mouthpiece for Mittens in the same way that a person hired by CNN (Rosen) magically became the President’s official noisemaker.

    I was hoping to be able to follow along for another month or two before a self-imposed-until-November blackout, but alas.

  10. 10
    Richard says:

    A brain rotted by bad drugs no doubt.

  11. 11
    KG says:

    @Amir Khalid: don’t know, it’s been a decade since I’ve seen a music store that wasn’t on my computer.

  12. 12
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    @beltane: Bobo doesn’t know who Ted Nugent is.

    @Zandar: Win!

  13. 13
    MikeJ says:

    “Just an entertainer.” Same as Limbaugh. There is literally nothing they can say that will cause the right to condemn them.

  14. 14
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    @Amir Khalid: He was on an episode of Anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservations” a while back, showing off his arsenal of guns in his Texas hill country ranch. He’s a poor man’s Chuck Norris in the wingnut scheme of things.

  15. 15
    Mouse Tolliver says:

    But… but… Bill Maher dressed up as zombie Steve Irwin for Halloween, so… both sides, bitches!

  16. 16
    scav says:

    Ok, sit down firmly in a place far far far away from all sharp objects and think about a world view adorned with both with the stylings of both Ted Nugent and Thomas Kinkaide. And inhabited by the Romneys and Santorums as idealized role models.

    (Barf bag to your right, just within reach.)

  17. 17
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Sloegin: Ted Nugent and Hilary Rosen are not quite equivalent: what Rosen said may not have been artfully phrased, but she’s right on substance; whereas the Nuge is talking nonsense, and potentially inflammatory nonsense at that.

  18. 18
    Martin says:

    Ted is merely expressing the pent-up frustration in the electorate, whereas Hilary launched an unprovoked sneak-attack against American moms, just like Germany did on that fateful day in December 1941.

  19. 19

    Nugent’s statement was a threat. If Obama gets reelected, Nugent will off the prez or die trying, but being arrested would work, too.

    One worrisome fact is that Ol’ Ted has enough get-up-and-go to actually fulfill that threat.

    Question: Do you think Teddy might enjoy prison? Not the old folks’ jail but the general population.

  20. 20
    Schlemizel says:

    I doubt you could find anyone who thinks less of “the Noooge” than I do. Hate his shitty music, hate his useless life, hate is detestable politics. I sort of hope he falls out of his tree stand lands on one of his hunting arrows and bleeds out over the course of 30-40 minutes like a deer would.

    That said its pretty obvious he says shit like this to get under our skin. It was pretty innocuous unlike his appearance on stage 4 years ago with a pair of automatic weapons saying Hillary and Barack should suck on them.

    This is a distraction, ignore it. lets pile on the Willard is a giant lair theme. Not only is it more accurate it is more likely to sway voters in Nov.

  21. 21
    Enhanced Voting Techniques says:

    Ah, I hear a desperate plea for relevancy from a washed up has been.

  22. 22
    AnotherBruce says:

    So, how does this not qualify Ted to be an honored guest in a federal penitentiary?

  23. 23
    Dr. Squid says:

    Right. Some closet case who avoided Vietnam out of cowardice is going to lead the 51st Chairborne Teahadists to glory.

    Call me when the has-been copycat is actually interesting.

  24. 24
    pragmatism says:

    this is the new media fundraising model. see: west, allen.
    1. say something, the more outrageous the better.
    2. double down when questioned
    3. blame media
    4. profitcount your money from teh angry rubes

  25. 25
    Ash Can says:

    @Sloegin: Except that Obama didn’t go to Rosen hat-in-hand for her endorsement of him prior to what she said, she didn’t threaten violence against either Ann or Mitt Romney, and Obama didn’t have some spokesperson state publicly that “neither side should be uncivil” after Rosen said what she did. Other than that, yeah, the two situations are exactly the same.

  26. 26
    Cacti says:

    Silly liberals.

    Hilary Rosen is a feminazi dykey jew who said something that offended a rich white man’s wife.

    Ted just threatened to kill a Ni-CLANG! I don’t even think that’s illegal in Florida.

  27. 27
    JPL says:

    The network stations covered Rosen’s statement for several days. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard anything about Nugent on the regular networks.

  28. 28
    Hob says:

    The only amusing thing about Nugent’s “dead or in jail” bit is this: the plausible deniability angle, the way to read it as anything other than an assassination threat against the President, would be “I meant that the government is going to kill or imprison all the wingnut gun-nuts like me, just because the government is evil.” Except, that flat out contradicts the central belief of the black-helicopter crowd: that having a lot of guns will protect you from being killed or imprisoned by the evil government. I expect they’ll manage to overlook that, though.

  29. 29
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    ““We need to ride into that battlefield and chop their heads off in November. Am I, any questions?” Nugent said.

    Given the lengths to which Nugent went to avoid going on to an actual battlefield back in the 60’s, I’m not terribly concerned about his presence on a rhetorical battlefield in 2012.

    He’s another worthless and weak typical Rethug chickenhawk. Unfit to lick the combat boots of John Kerry, for example.

  30. 30
    BGinCHI says:

    Finally figured it out:

    Tom Friedman is a stupid man’s Jeffrey Tambor.

  31. 31
    Tonal Crow says:

    But but but but the evil denizens of Balloon Juice criticized the Republicans’ policies as wrongheaded and based on lies!

  32. 32
    Mickey says:

    To nobodys surprise, Dana Loesch is getting in on the action. It’s approprately titled “This conversation will melt your brain”.
    http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2.....oesch.html

  33. 33
    Cacti says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    Given the lengths to which Nugent went to avoid going on to an actual battlefield back in the 60’s, I’m not terribly concerned about his presence on a rhetorical battlefield in 2012

    I wonder if he and Mitt swapped stories about the creative ways they avoided Vietnam service.

  34. 34
    Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937 says:

    Crazy Ted won’t be mentioned because everyone knows Ted is crazy and anything he said at a crazy NRA convention is strictly for entertainment because everyone knows the NRA people are a bit crazy but they’re real Muricans even if they’re ignorant hicks. Ted’s not some lesbian libtard on CNN.

  35. 35
    Sloegin says:

    @Amir Khalid: @Ash Can: Aye, both of you are quite correct no dispute, yet neither Nuge or Rosen are official spokespersons of either Romney or the President.

    Tilting at windmills and all that.

  36. 36
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    What I’m wondering is, after this latest outrage from TED, are those digital wankers in Long Beach/Palm Springs/Edinburgh finally going to get around to not sponsoring an annual conference named in honor of him? IF THIS ISN’T THE BREAKING POINT, WHAT DOES IT TAKE!?

  37. 37
    kc says:

    @beltane:

    David Brooks seems like the type who would prefer that Ted Nugent did not even exist.

    Well, frankly, I would have to agree with Mr. Brooks on that one.

  38. 38
    Cacti says:

    @Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937:

    but they’re real Muricans even if they’re ignorant hicks

    They’re real ‘Muricans BECAUSE they’re ignorant hicks.

    Remember:

    Massachusetts – second oldest American colony, birth place of the revolution = fake America

    Oklahoma – admitted to the union in 1907 = real America

  39. 39
    kc says:

    Last time I saw Ted on TV, he was working his mouth in a nasty old-man way and making an ass of himself. He’s really just a pathetic attention-seeking disgusting old fart.

  40. 40
    arguingwithsignposts says:

    Haha, courtesy of the LGM comments, a Mustache of Understanding parody to top even Taibbi.

  41. 41
    Sly says:

    @Cacti:

    I wonder if he and Mitt swapped stories about the creative ways they avoided Vietnam service.

    Mitt: I went to France to live in a mansion and convert people to Mormonism.

    Ted: I stopped bathing for a month and shit my pants repeatedly before my draft physical.

  42. 42
    lacp says:

    My, how things change. When he was dodging the draft, the shit was in his pants. Now it’s between his ears.

  43. 43
    Patricia Kayden says:

    Hilary is part of “the gay” so her comment is much much worse.

    Nugent literally pooed his pants to avoid military service in Vietnam so I’m not sure who’s being fooled by his bravado.

  44. 44
    R-Jud says:

    @Sloegin:

    I was hoping to be able to follow along for another month or two before a self-imposed-until-November blackout, but alas.

    I’m already under a self-imposed blackout because of all this shit. It involves whiskey.

  45. 45
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    @Cacti:

    Massachusetts – second oldest American colony, birth place of the revolution = fake America
    __
    Oklahoma – admitted to the union in 1907 = real America

    __
    That is because RealAmericanism is based on reverse population density. New York = totally not American, except on 9-11. San Francisco = totally not America, ever, not even in 1906. Oklahoma = mostly real America.
    __
    The ideal, platonic state of RealAmerica would be an entire state which was completely empty, utterly devoid of all human life. It would have nothing but 4 million derelict pickup trucks left up on cinder blocks, 3 thousand oil wells, 200 high-level nuclear waste repositories, and 1 Post Office so that corporations (aka people) could register in that state to avoid pesky regulations elsewhere. Oh and also for local color a bunch of dead Native Americans (it wouldn’t be right unless we’d stolen the land from somebody) and a Civil War battlefield upon which the CSA was triumphant, for the historical reenactment crowd. That would be the perfect state of RealAmerica.

  46. 46
    MattW says:

    To paraphrase Paul Krugman, Ted Nugent is a boy’s idea of what a man sounds like.

  47. 47
    Raven says:

    Check this fucker out at the Kickapoo Creek Rock Festival near Bloomington, Il. the week after Kent State. I remember him diving off the stage, maybe no one caught is sorry ass and he landed on his head.

  48. 48
    EvolutionaryDesign says:

    @Richard: The irony is he hasn’t done drugs, and hasn’t touched liquor since the 80’s. He is a DARE national spokesperson. Ted Nugent Wiki

  49. 49

    @BGinCHI:

    Tom Friedman is a stupid man’s Jeffrey Tambor.

    Wonder if Tom Friedman has a pet rabbit?

  50. 50
    Shrillhouse says:

    Yes, but the Dixie Chicks said they were ashamed that George W. Bush was from Texas, so both sides….

  51. 51
    Sly says:

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ:
    “That is because RealAmericanism is based on reverse population density of non-white people.”
    FTFY

  52. 52
    Cermet says:

    When puket cry baby racist pig says

    becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year

    I vote for the ass wipe shit eater to eat even more shit and do both us and the world a favor and pick dead

  53. 53
    scav says:

    Nugent knows he’s essentially engulfed on stage by the tiny bubbles on the modern equivalent of the Lawrence Welk show. The acid eating away at him is macho botox.

  54. 54
    MikeJ says:

    Does nooge think it’s a missteak?

  55. 55
    Enhanced Voting Techniques says:

    Oh wow is Nugent an utter Chickenhawk

    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9a1_1250550290

    Even lies about his draft dodging – instead of crapping his pants he lies about going to collage. As one reporter commented G W Bush is a war hero next to Nugent.

  56. 56
    jayboat says:

    @Richard:
    what about the good drugs?
    can one’s brain be rotted by good drugs?

  57. 57
    Anarchaeologist says:

    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9a1_1250550290

    (Nugent claims) that 30 days before his Draft Board Physical, he stopped all forms of personal hygiene. The last 10 days he ingested nothing but junk food and Pepsi, and a week before his physical, he stopped using the bathroom altogether, virtually living inside his pants caked with excrement and urine. That spectacle won Nugent a deferment.

    via: http://www.reddit.com/r/todayi....._draft_by/

  58. 58
    BGinCHI says:

    @Judas Escargot, Your Postmodern Neighbor: That is full of awesome sauce.

    Who’s the dude in the background rubbing his nipples?

  59. 59
    Calouste says:

    @jayboat:

    See Richards, Keith. Probably also Osbourne, Ozzy.

  60. 60
    lamh35 says:

    Jeez, I know there are NO good journalist anymore, but damn aren’t these people tired of Romney lying to their faces. This is just getting ridiculous. Do ANY of these journo have any pride in their profession it can’t ALL be about money for these guys right? Serious question, are there any “serious” journo NOT opinion pundits (Maddow, O’Donnell, Bashir, Sharpton) who ya know actually uses their report to INFORM the public, not just let obvious lies go???

    Stephanie Cutter ‏ @stefcutter

    In CNBC interview Romney says he’s off hook for releasing more tax returns b/c John Kerry only released 2 yrs – not true, he released 20 yrs

  61. 61
    Cermet says:

    @Anarchaeologist: Makes sense – almost all black men drafted went, fought bravely,and returned to unfair racist amerika.

  62. 62
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    Nugent needs to get his dentures fitted better, he sounds like a toothless old geezer. When Ozzy is aging more gracefully than you are Ted, you know that you are doing something very wrong.

    Ted’s got Old Geezer Fever!

  63. 63
    Jason says:

    Nugent may be a senile old fool, but he’s a reliable barometer of the far right. The reality is that the tenthers, dominionists, and teahadists of the right are plotting an insurrection during Obama’s second term. We’re talking a dramatic ramp-up of abortion clinic bombings, doctor assassinations, and general attacks on liberals. The left needs to be prepared to deal with such tactics — and I’m not talking about turning the other cheek.

  64. 64
    Raven says:

    “if I would have gone over there, I’d have been killed, or I’d have killed, or I’d kill all the hippies in the foxholes … I would have killed everybody,” he told the Detroit Free Press in an interview published July 15, 1990″

    Yea motherfucker because all us “hippies in the foxholes” would have just folded like lawn chairs when we saw you in your feather boa.

  65. 65
    Raven says:

    @Jason: sheeeeet, talk is cheap.

  66. 66
    Judas Escargot, Your Postmodern Neighbor says:

    @BGinCHI:

    That would be Dr. Krieger: Research scientist, anime “enthusiast”, and (for that episode anyway) attending physician.

  67. 67
    Older_Wiser says:

    Maybe Rmoney should ask “Uncle Ted” about 12 yr old Courtney Love (“I didn’t even have breasts”) who gave him a BJ, the 17 yr old groupie who moved in w/him and “kept his kids”, and the fact that he described himself as a “serial pedophile” on MTV? A nasty piece of work he is.

  68. 68
    quannlace says:

    “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year,”

    Hmm, dead or in jail? That’s a tough choice. Either one works for me, Nuge.

    Does he flatter himself that Obama considers him such a threat, he’s in the crosshairs? Uh, Ted, if Obama is relected in November, why the hell should he then bother himself with you?

  69. 69
    lacp says:

    @Jason: Yes, all of us lefties will be cowering in the sewers, listening to the triumphant cheers accompanying the parade of Army Group Hoveround through the streets above us….

  70. 70
    Older_Wiser says:

    He only does DARE for the young pubescent girls.

  71. 71
    David Koch says:

    @Raven: Dude, you’ll love these photos of Romney demonstrating in support of the Vietnam draft that he would later dodge by fleeing to Paris. He’s been flip flopping his whole life: he was for the draft, before he was against dodged the draft

    http://stanfordreview.org/arti.....d-in-1968/

  72. 72
    Steeplejack says:

    @BGinCHI:

    That’s Krieger, the in-house mad scientist at ISIS. He’s the one who fried the rabbit guy’s brain.

  73. 73
    Shazza says:

    @General Stuck:

    Oh he’s said stuff like this before-I remember him talking about sticking his gun into Hillary’s crotch and up PBO’s ass during a concert during the campaign. And yet Fox News loves having him on-go figure.

  74. 74
    Shazza says:

    This was a spokesman of Mittens afterwards-
    Divisive language is offensive no matter what side of the political aisle it comes from. Mitt Romney believes everyone needs to be civil.

    Sounds like the old limp Sandra Fluke response.Way to go, Mitt!

  75. 75
    Brachiator says:

    Hey, Sensible Village Centrists? If you want a jump on Duncan’s next list of all-star hemorrhoids, there’s the exquisite opportunity to tell us yokels how Hilary Rosen’s statement about Ann Romney is just as awful as the Motor City Madman threatening the President’s life if he’s re-elected.

    This isn’t centrism. It’s not even false equivalency. This shit fails Logic 101 and Rhetoric for Dummies.

    I presume that Secret Service agents, at least those not busy with Colombian hookers, are having a quiet conversation with Nugent.

  76. 76
    Birthmarker says:

    @Older_Wiser: On one of those “Behind the Music” type shows that used to run, this woman who lived with him said that what they did was probably illegal.

  77. 77
    Birthmarker says:

    @EvolutionaryDesign: Says who? Him?

  78. 78
  79. 79
    bemused says:

    @Mickey:

    Oh man, that was hilarious. Or it would be if it was an Anchorman/Dumb and Dumber movie.

  80. 80
    Ken says:

    @kc: Ted who?

    Kaczynski. What a difference twenty years makes; back then, everyone agreed TK’s manifesto was nuts. Now Jonah Goldberg is selling it as Liberal Fascism, and Nugent might as well be quoting from it, and half – well, 27% – of the country thinks it’s insightful.

  81. 81
    The prophet Nostradumbass says:

    @arguingwithsignposts: That story is, uh, bizarre.

  82. 82
    Karen says:

    Nugent is an incestuous pedophile who adopted a girl so he could fuck her. Which I guess is totally fine since it’s a girl. If it was a boy, then they’d be calls to get his dick cut off.

  83. 83
    Ken Pidcock says:

    Bonus points for “Nuge didn’t mean it, and this is central to my point, anyone who thinks he did is by and large the problem with American electorate today.” C’mon, it writes itself, you lazy bastards.

    Ain’t that the truth.

  84. 84
    Amir Khalid says:

    @Sly:
    Bruce Springsteen failed his Army physical when he got called up, which would have been in 1966 or ’67. (Although as far as I know, Bruce didn’t take any unusual measures to avoid going e.g. soiling himself or not bathing for a month.) So I guess that would be the right’s “both sides do it” opportunity.

  85. 85
    samara morgan says:

    Why hasn’t Nugent been arrested?
    Its a class D felony.

  86. 86
    Chris says:

    @Patricia Kayden:

    Nugent literally pooed his pants to avoid military service in Vietnam so I’m not sure who’s being fooled by his bravado.

    Every idiot who thought Bush was a Manly Man but Kerry was a socialist ninny.

    Alternate answer: 27% of the public.

  87. 87
    gaz says:

    Nugent is a fucking loser. Always has been. A Coward and a Failure. As a musician, as a wannabe soldier (HAH!) and as a pundit.

    I swear if I was ever close enough to the guy to smell him I’d pistol whip him with his own fucking gun.

  88. 88
    Amir Khalid says:

    @samara morgan:
    There’s the question of whether the Nuge seriously aims to kill the President, or is just blustering. Per Wikipedia:

    According to Stalking, Threatening, and Attacking Public Figures, “Hundreds of celebrity howlers threaten the President of the United States every year, sometimes because they disagree with his policies, but more often just because he is the President.”

    … and there are not hundreds of prosecutions every year under United States Code Title 18, Section 871.

    I’m not the only one here who doubts that Nuge seriously plans to off Obama. See comments up-thread referring to his courage with regard to military service in Vietnam.

  89. 89
    Keith says:

    He’ll throw a game hunt/bbq/photo op for some disabled troops, which will make this all go away.

  90. 90

    Nuge would have been fragged. No question about it.

    Maybe he should receive an, ah, “honorary” one.

  91. 91
    Marcellus Shale, Public Dick says:

    fuck ted nugent, save being an asshole for the lead singers.

  92. 92
  93. 93
    Nancy B. says:

    And the winner is: David Frum!

  94. 94
    Quincy says:

    One of my all time favorite Onion articles says pretty much all that needs to be said about the Nuge: http://www.theonion.com/articl.....-ani,4216/

  95. 95
    freq flag says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:
    I, for one, welcome our Toilet-Paper-Joke Overlords!
    Let them take over the internets and dominate the news cycles.

  96. 96
    bjacques says:

    The Nuge reminds me of that middling Steven Seagal action flick Under Siege (1992), which features terrorists getting aboard the USS Missouri by masquerading as a rock & roll band. The most entertaining part of the movie is that the terrorist leader is obviously inspired by The Nuge and is played by Tommy Lee Jones.

  97. 97

    @ThatLeftTurnInABQ:

    ” IF THIS ISN’T THE BREAKING POINT, WHAT DOES IT TAKE!?”

    Gunshots?

  98. 98
    Tone In DC says:

    @scav:

    LULz.

  99. 99
    Paul in KY says:

    @Cacti: Ted’s wasn’t particularily creative. It was quite effective, though.

  100. 100
    japa21 says:

    @Nancy B.: That was even worse than I thought it was going to be.

  101. 101
    BenA says:

    There’s some moron at the local rink who has painted his old Bronco with “camo” (which apparently just means dabs of latex house paint) and has Ted Nuggent written all over it… which would be funny from a 17 year old.. but this guy is probabaly 60… and he works at a MUNICIPAL rink. Of course he’s probably thinks that the anti-tax crowd would never close anything as useful as a municipal ice rink. *cough*

    These people are so naive it just hurts to even think about it for more than five minutes.

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