I Have Solved the Curious Case of Mark Judge’s Missing Bike

Yesterday, I wrote about Daily Caller contributor Mark Judge and the beloved L.L. Bean bike which was so cruelly wrenched from his idyllic life by Some Black Dude.  Horrified that one of my people would mercilessly steal a white dude’s bike, I decided to make some inquiries, and it is my great pleasure to announce that I have solved the case.

I can say with absolute certainty that a black dude did not steal Mark Judge’s bike.  Why?  Because there has been a boycott of L.L. Bean by black folks for eighty years, and us black folks always stick together. (Just ask Breitbrat Leftenant Dan Riehl):


African-American Boycott of L.L. Bean Enters 80th Year

I grew up near Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania. I went to junior high school smack dab in the middle of Chestnut Hill. Chestnut Hill, I’ll have you know, is listed in The Preppy Handbook as one of the preppiest places in America. (I own a copy of The Preppy Handbook, so I know this for a fact.) I spent a lot of time in Chestnut Hill, eating cheese fries at Fiesta Pizza and shopping at The Gap with my white friends, all of whom owned L.L. Bean clothing and regularly perused the L.L. Bean catalog. Never during my time on the mean cobbled streets of Chestnut Hill did I buy a single item from an L.L. Bean catalog. Why? Because of the damn boycott!!

So there you have it. My evidence that a black dude did not steal Mark Judge’s bike is as substantial — if not more so — than Mark’s evidence that a black dude did.  He didn’t see a black dude steal his L.L. bike.  I’ve never seen a black dude show any interest in anything L.L. Bean.

I win.

Ok, so maybe I didn’t actually solve the case, per se, but I did exculpate All Black Dudes from the crime, and really, that’s what I care about.  I don’t give a shit about Mark’s L.L. Bean bike.

(h/t @gnudd for the video)

RELATED POST: White Dude at The Daily Caller Sheds White Guilt Because Black Dude Probably Stole His Bike

[cross-posted at The Raw Story-ABLC]

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96 replies
  1. 1
    wasabi gasp says:

    Just give it back.

  2. 2
    Yutsano says:

    I’m so glad I exhibited enough self-control to not laugh my ass off, as I’m at work. But this right here is how you demolish an idiot. Bravo.

  3. 3
    jlow says:

    Like.

  4. 4
    c u n d gulag says:

    Conservative POV:
    “Ok, maybe it wasn’t a BLACK black gu -, maybe he was of mixed blood?

    You know, one of them ‘Half-a-tino’s,’ or ‘Mocha-roons,’ or whatever coffee with milk is called in those gauche coffee shoppes.”

    Wtf, who besides an elitist yuppie douche-nozzle would even WANT an L.L. Bean bike, let alone ride one?

  5. 5
    MoeLarryAndJesus says:

    Megan McArdle stole the guy’s bike. She just felt like she deserved it.

  6. 6
    daveNYC says:

    L.L. Bean has some sort of preppie cred? Heck, how do they have any sort of cred period.

  7. 7
    Martin says:

    Who the fuck buys an LL Bean bike?

  8. 8
  9. 9
    Hawes says:

    So it was the Hispanics?

  10. 10
  11. 11
    Genine says:

    I grew up near Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania. I went to junior high school smack dab in the middle of Chestnut Hill. Chestnut Hill, I’ll have you know, is listed in The Preppy Handbook as one of the preppiest places in America.

    Oh, my god! I grew up in Chestnut Hill, too! I was often the only black person in any group. And I went to Penn Charter!

    Shout out, sister!

  12. 12
    Marcellus Shale, Public Dick says:

    i already confessed to stealing the bike, or as i like to call it, a prank.

    i had the runs and i had to get home.

    i would have brought it back, but dude was all mad and shit.

  13. 13

    Oops, now I have two Bikes.

  14. 14
    Mnemosyne says:

    I had missed the little detail that it was an LL Bean bike.

    Hell, I’m white, and I would have stolen that piece of crap on principle. What kind of pretentious douchebag buys their bicycle from LL Bean? He can get the same cheap-ass Schwinn at Target for $100 less.

  15. 15
    BGinCHI says:

    @MoeLarryAndJesus: Megan cannot steal. She can only be stealed.

  16. 16
  17. 17
    twiffer says:

    as a white guy in new england, who probably has about 75% of his wardrobe from l.l.bean (what can i say, i love flannel), i have to ask: who the fuck buys a bike from l.l. bean?

  18. 18
    ABL 2.0 says:

    @wasabi gasp: hahahahahahahahaha. FTW.

  19. 19
    redshirt says:

    Mainer here. Why the LLBean hate? Clue me in.

  20. 20

    i know nothing about the bike. but you have a valid point, abl.

    that bike was likely taken by someone who appreciated its worth or could sell it to other appreciators. and if it was branded by the dreaded bean folks [hand sign against evil], it probably wasn’t taken by some black dude.

    By the way, I had a neighbor once who stole things from me. She was white. But that was probably a one-off as the Brits say. Who ever heard of a white dude taking anything?

  21. 21
    ABL 2.0 says:

    @Genine: throw ’em up! I went to Jenks.

  22. 22
    rlrr says:

    The bike is in the Alamo’s basement.

  23. 23
  24. 24
    Mnemosyne says:

    @redshirt:

    Three words: pink lobster pajamas.

    (In the interests of full disclosure, I should say that I get the LL Bean catalog in the mail, but I think it’s because I order stuff from Lands End and Eddie Bauer and they all share mailing lists.)

  25. 25

    @redshirt: I’m just spit-balling here, but I’m pretty confident it’s not because they’re doing all their shopping at the Cabela’s in Scarborough….

  26. 26
    Legalize says:

    I want to ride my bicycle; I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle!

    But teh blahs stoled it. :(

  27. 27
    redshirt says:

    @Mnemosyne: They’re cute! That’s hateable?

  28. 28
    redshirt says:

    @Davis X. Machina: I went there on Saturday, to my shame. Freeport is out of the way, Scarboro is not.

  29. 29
    MildGyrate says:

    @redshirt: They’re huge supporters of noisome Republican causes. Which is to say, Republican causes.

  30. 30
    Satanicpanic says:

    I’m of mixed heritage so maybe I can’t talk, but what is this white guilt I keep hearing about? Do white liberals really walk around all day saying oh man I feel so bad about what my ancestors did? Or could it be that conservatives just made something up because they’re guilty about their own ongoing racism? Hmmm

  31. 31
    Chyron HR says:

    I’m saddened to learn that the Beavis & Butthead guy is such a racist dick.

  32. 32
    Bill says:

    @Genine:
    I was in fact born @ Chestnut Hill Hospital, although since that event, they have only specialized in killing members of our family, most of whom are now at St. Paul’s Episcopal near the trolley turnaround. My grandmother actually laid the cornerstone of St. Paul’s, and Grandpa did the organ pipes. Mom and Sis worked for years at Hilton Drug and Battin & Lunger. Fiesta Pizza. It Has Been A While.

  33. 33
    Guster says:

    @Davis X. Machina: The fact that I laughed at that makes me a prime target for the next Onion video.

  34. 34
    Mnemosyne says:

    @redshirt:

    Dude (or dudette). If you like those, you are officially a preppy. Here’s your handbook.

  35. 35
    BGinCHI says:

    @Linda Featheringill:

    Who ever heard of a white dude taking anything?

    That’s what the Native Americans said at first.

  36. 36

    @redshirt: I get some of my sausage-making supplies there, so I too am guilty. I’m not sure pink digital-camo infant onesies are any better, or worse, than the lobster jammies referenced above.

    We are all guilty, in a way.

  37. 37
    Nied says:

    It’s obvious that Mark Judge’s bike was stolen by his spoiled next door neighbor who was jealous of how cool it is. He should embark on a cross country Big Adventure to find it and in the process overcome his fear of snakes.

    I recommend he start in the basement of the Alamo.

  38. 38
    Satanicpanic says:

    @rlrr: Go ahead and scream your head off Mark Judge, we are miles from where anyone can hear you!

  39. 39

    @rlrr:
    Can someone explain the Alamo joke to me? I am not aware of all internet traditions I guess.

  40. 40
    kuvasz says:

    @Genine:

    I grew up in Wyndmoor, after moving from Rufner St. in N Philly.

  41. 41
    geg6 says:

    I’m just glad to see that I’m not the only one whose first thought upon reading about the tragedy of Mark Judge’s bike was of Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

  42. 42
  43. 43
    MattF says:

    Hey, come to think of it, I’ve never bought anything from L.L. Bean. Does that mean…

  44. 44

    @Satanicpanic:

    White guilt:

    You have a point. I have often said that I really, really would not want to be held responsible for my parents and grandparents and etc. Still, when I think of them I sometimes feel shame but not guilt.

    I have felt guilt and know what it is, always related to something I’ve done myself. Mea culpa.

    Since most of us Anglos, Europeans, whites, whatever don’t think we represent the whole race, we don’t understand the need to feel guilty.

  45. 45
  46. 46

    @BGinCHI:
    See what happens when you don’t have a tough immigration policy.

  47. 47
    schrodinger's cat says:

    L. L. Bean makes bikes? I had no idea. I have a fair amount of L. L. Bean stuff in my wardrobe, less now, that I no longer live Maine. I do love their slippers, they are wicked good!

  48. 48
    Travis says:

    It’s too early to rule out the Lone Wolf black dude. The one black dude who refuses to give up on L.L. Bean. And the only way to take out a Lone Wolf is to put the entire wolf population in jail. Nice try ABL

  49. 49
    gvg says:

    The connection may not actually exist. The Onion did a story about the imaginary 80 year old boycott of LL Bean by blacks but I can’t find any factual google info quickly on what I had been told years ago-that the founder of LL Bean was a KKK “wizard”. LLBean does have a connection to the preppy look and was even mentioned in the 80’s preppy guide and in general Blacks don’t tend to go for that look tho that is another sterotype….

    http://www.theonion.com/video/.....yea,14170/

  50. 50
    phantomist says:

    Just look for an Urban Sombrero, the bike will be near by.

  51. 51
    Mnemosyne says:

    @gvg:

    I’m pretty sure that ABL knows the Onion is not a real news source. This post by her is what many people refer to as “humor” or “a joke.”

  52. 52
    Travis says:

    Also, I lost a bike to theft in 1989 in Laramie WY. Black population 34. All we have to do is see which black dude was there then and now lives or visited the area around Judge’s bike. This shit is easy.

  53. 53
    shortstop says:

    @Linda Featheringill: Rational white adults can calmly acknowledge the full horror of slavery, its connection to institutionalized racism and the continuing existence of that racism in this society without feeling that someone is just trying to personally guilt them by bringing it up. Wingnuts, who tend to view the world as binary and without any complexity–if A is good, then B must be bad–cannot handle honest discussion of the subject. They think that because their immediate response is always defensiveness, liberals must have the same reaction–but they think that instead of courageously pushing back against the “guilt” like they do, we weakly succumb to it.

  54. 54
    The Bobs says:

    @redshirt: Olympia Snowe. That’s why.

  55. 55
    shortstop says:

    OT, should I be surprised as well as totally disgusted that Rick Santorum is straightfacedly insisting he’s dropping out due to his deep devotion to his dying daughter–the same one who was dying while he ran all over the country ignoring her as he lectured same-sex parents about how much their children need both mothers and fathers?

    What a piece of shit this man is. Truly immoral. This is a fitting finish to his revolting campaign.

  56. 56
    sacrablue says:

    I also grew up near Chestnut Hill, way before ABL was born. I went to elementary school there and attended French lessons and art classes at the Allen’s Lane Art Center. This was before anyone ever called someone “preppy”. I’m not sure if anyone wore L.L. Bean back then. The kids I went to school with were mostly middle class, because the kids that came from old money went to Penn Charter, Chestnut Hill Academy, Friends Select, etc. My favorite memories are of June Fete, trying to sip the juice out of a lemon through a hard candy straw. FSM, I as feeling really ancient.

  57. 57
    demz taters says:

    @gocart mozart: I thought this was it.

  58. 58
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Linda Featheringill:

    I do sometimes feel guilty for being white, but it’s more when some white person does something embarrassing in front of the whole country, like saying that Soledad O’Brien is personally responsible for his stolen bike, or whatever Judge’s point was in bringing her into the story.

    I sometimes wish there was a WASP equivalent of “a shanda fur die goyim.”

  59. 59
    redshirt says:

    True story of an LL Bean bicycle. Being a poor college kid, I needed a bike. Being from Maine, one of my only birthrights is to be able to return anything – ANYTHING – to LLBean. So I went to yard sales, flea markets, asked family and friends for leftover clothes, took a bunch of my own stuff… and blammo! Got a $600 mountain bike all with returned, trashed LL Bean goods. Had to make up a reason for each one of them.

    Later, sold that bike to Dad for $300. He sold it years later to my brother for $100. A year or so after that my brother gave it to me for free because he was moving….

    And no. I didn’t take it back to LLBeans for a new one. I should have though.

  60. 60
    Jennifer says:

    Count me in with those not getting the LL Bean hate. It’s a given that their clothing isn’t trendy, but it is well made and reasonably priced for the quality (used to be even moreso). I think they even still make some of their stuff here in the US – they were much slower to jump on the offshoring bandwagon. As for them donating to Republicans – well, who the fuck doesn’t in the corporate world? If you’re going to stop buying anything from any company that supports Republican politics, you’re likely going to end up naked and starving. I save my political boycotting for the really bad actors like Wal-Mart.

  61. 61

    LL Bean: Where a middle-aged white guy can buy a pair of unfashionable jeans online, cut to order, secure in the knowledge that those same jeans won’t be any less fashionable next year, or the year after that. Basically the Subaru of clothiers.

    (Hey, some of us are busy, and just don’t care anymore).

    As for the bicycle, not sure why anyone who actually knew anything about bikes would buy one from there.

  62. 62
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Jennifer:

    I wouldn’t call it “hate.” More like “mockery.”

    But it’s still kind of douchey to have an LL Bean-branded bike, kind of like how it’s douchey to have an Eddie Bauer-branded SUV. Unless, of course, you can get the bike in an awesome New England thrifty way like redshirt did.

  63. 63
    redshirt says:

    Granted, LL Bean clothes are for the most part ugly. Good jackets, footwear (some still made in Maine!), and all the specialty stuff (fishing, camping, etc) is excellent. Yeah, the Mom Jeans? Not so hot.

  64. 64
    hitchhiker says:

    I think we all missed the point of that dude’s story.

    He wanted fucking credit for being so brave in the face of adversity, but it’s hard to ask for that when part of being brave in the face of adversity is never letting anybody know you’re suffering. That ll bean bike had meaning! It was his personal symbol of triumph over leukemia, because he bought it to help with the nerve pain. And also he didn’t ever go on disability, which is even more proof that he is one badass brave silent mofo — unlike the lazy dude who made off with his symbol and proof of personal amazingness.

    So getting his fancy bike swiped off his car while he was worshipping the one who said to sell all that you have and give it to the poor was actually a blessing, because it gave him a fine framework within which to claim the credit that is rightfully his for being so brave in the face of adversity and never getting any credit for it.

    Win, all around. No one but him as ever faced adversity with so much integrity and silent suffering. Certainly not 25 generations of black people.

  65. 65
    shortstop says:

    @Jennifer:

    If you’re going to stop buying anything from any company that supports Republican politics

    No one said “stop buying anything from any company that supports Republican politics.” Linda Bean is a huge supporter of candidates and organizations that oppose equal marriage and anti-discrimination protection for gays and lesbians, abortion rights and women’s rights. Remember our little thread about Phyllis Schlafly the other day? Bean’s a trustee of the Eagle Forum.

  66. 66
    schrodinger's cat says:

    @redshirt: Their backpacks and book bags are good, also good outerwear.

    @shortstop: Ok so now I won’t feel bad when I return their stuff after using it for elbenty years.

  67. 67
    Fwiffo says:

    It is more than a little annoying that having your bike stolen periodically is basically one of the costs of owning a bike. I’ve had more than one bike stolen, and know how frustrating it is. I don’t claim to know the race of my bike thieves, however.

    Actually theft is just about the only cost of bike ownership; maintenance on a bike is almost nothing. Even if your bike is stolen every few months, it’s a lot cheaper than a car.

  68. 68
    twiffer says:

    @Judas Escargot, Your Postmodern Neighbor: hey, i own a lot of l.l.bean and drive a subaru and…well, not sure where i’m going this.

  69. 69
    redshirt says:

    @shortstop: Good to know. Thanks. I take these things seriously.

  70. 70
    redshirt says:

    @Mnemosyne: Thanks! This is a momentous occasion as it represents the first time I’ve received the tag “Thrifty New Englander”. I wear it with pride and expect to grow into the role as the years collect.

  71. 71
    kc says:

    @hitchhiker:

    So getting his fancy bike swiped off his car while he was worshipping

    His bike was stolen outside of a house of God? Well, that does it, I am officially over my atheist guilt.

  72. 72
    shortstop says:

    @redshirt: The real test is whether you can eat a boiled dinner without daubing on a lot of horseradish.

  73. 73
    redshirt says:

    @shortstop: I brought individual Fancy Catsup packets with me from the IGA.

  74. 74
    shortstop says:

    @hitchhiker: That was a piece of awesomeness.

  75. 75
    Jennifer says:

    @shortstop: Wasn’t aware of that. Linda Bean is certainly a douche. But as I noted, there seem to be some of those in the upper echelons of every large company in the US, and ultimately, pretty much every time you spend a dollar, some fraction of that is going to end up going to support some party, politician, or political cause you don’t support. Ben & Jerry’s is about the only exception I can think of but then again, Ben & Jerry aren’t an exception anymore because Ben & Jerry sold the company.

    I don’t really have a stake in LL Bean one way or the other; over the years I’ve bought a few items from them but they certainly haven’t been my first go-to source for really anything. I’d still say that even with Linda Bean being a douche, they stack up favorably to big evil like Wal-Mart, where the heirs, management, and biggest shareholders are involved on the wrong side of all the odious issues you mentioned and then quite a few more – and the stuff they sell is crap.

  76. 76
    Gustopher says:

    I always thought that LL Bean should attempt to make inroads with the Blah community by hiring LL Cool J as a spokesman.

    Of course, I also think that Mr. T should have a comeback as a rap artist covering Bob Dylan songs — “I pity the fool immigrant”

  77. 77
    shortstop says:

    @Jennifer: Everyone has to draw their own line in the sand. I was just pointing out that no one suggested never purchasing anything from any company that has donated to Republicans. What Linda Bean does would be enough for some to decide against patronizing the company; others will see it differently.

  78. 78
  79. 79
  80. 80
  81. 81

    He should have bought his bike at the Burlington Coat Factory like the muslims do.

  82. 82
    mk3872 says:

    Ahh, the Philly homies are out in full-force, luv it!

    Lived 2 years in Chestnut Hill Apartments driving to Temple U in Ambler every day and taking the R8 downtown for work @ Liberty Place in the Brentano’s bookstore and the rest of my Temple classes on Broad St.

    Yo!

  83. 83

    @twiffer:

    well, not sure where i’m going this.

    But when you do get there, say ‘Hi!’ to Howard Dean for me.

  84. 84
    MoeLarryAndJesus says:

    My White Guilt Bicycle:

  85. 85

    @Jennifer:

    It just seems as if you were taking the “hate”- and I’m having a hard time finding anything more hateful than snarky in the o.p. or the comments- a bit more seriously than intended. I can only find a single serious reference concerning LL Bean’s political donations before your first comment (MildGyrate@29), and I missed that the first time around.

  86. 86
    rea says:

    @c u n d gulag: An LL Bean bicycle? To match his Schwinn pants?

  87. 87
    Billy Rae Valentine says:

    i gotta re-post this.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wd63P7mYXzo

  88. 88
    Kilkee says:

    I confess. I bought an LL Bean bike. Why? Cause (1) I know nothing about bikes and (2) I live in Maine, so, as redshirt knows, it means you can always return it, even if you simply tire of it, as I suspected I might. And to a Mainer, shopping at Bean’s is buying locally, or at least feels that way.

    Of course, had I been aware of the historical black boycott of Bean’s I would certainly have been down with that. Fight teh power!

    As for the politics, although Linda Bean is of The Family and is a total waste of protoplasm, I’m not aware that the company is otherwise evil.

  89. 89
    daize says:

    @ABL 2.0: No shit! I went to kindergarten at Jenks. The folks up and moved to Mayfair then back to Chestnut Hill when I was in sixth grade. Went to OMC, the Mount then Temple.

    My friend’s Mom taught the Jenks kindergarten class many years after my time there. I had the joy of re-visiting the main room while I was in college.

    Very cool. (Well except for the douchebag and the bike story.)

  90. 90
    taylormattd says:

    In before WyldPirate calls ABL nCLANG.

  91. 91
    Citizen_X says:

    @gocart mozart: All you have to know is there is no basement in the Alamo. No matter what fortune tellers may tell you.

    God, I gotta see that movie again.

  92. 92
    Linda says:

    Dude, wait..what? His bike got stolen. It was a pricey bike that he did not secure because that would have been an illiberal thing to do in a black neighborhood. How about it would have been dumb anyplace, because it’s a pricey bike? I mean, the Clutter family got killed by 2 losers in the middle of farm country, so if you’re bright, you figure anything can happen, anyplace.

    He has no idea who stole it, but he still hates black people. OTOH, conservatives are perplexed that blacks still remember the whole slavery thing, even though it was non anonymous, and everybody knows who did it. You know a movement is a spent force when there is no coherent thought anywhere, and this is Exhibit A. Not only don’t racists bother to dog whistle, they don’t even make sense.

  93. 93
    redshirt says:

    Since this has become the LL Bean thread, here’s a fun story about the founder, Leon Leonwood Bean (whatta name!). Maybe born in the bustling town of Greenwood:

    Bethel Citizen

  94. 94
    Master Mahan says:

    Frankly, I think we need to ask why Daily Caller is ignoring this rash of white on white crime.

  95. 95
  96. 96
    Jebediah says:

    @Gustopher:

    I always thought that LL Bean should attempt to make inroads with the Blah community by hiring LL Cool J as a spokesman.

    LL cool beans.

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