Everyone is gone, the kitchen is surgically cleaned, all leftovers are in zip-loc baggies, Walt and company are off to the gay bars, the rest of the crowd is off to their respective homes and party haunts, so now it is just me and the girls.
And I’m pretty damned hammered. So, in the spirit of openness, I thought I would share something with you (I think the only people I have ever told this before tonight were Kevin K. at Rumproast and DougJ). Watch the following video:
One night about three years ago, in a fit of drunken pique, I decided that I wanted that video to be a part of my will. Because I am an itinerant douchebag, for several years, my lawyer would have been required to make my parents and remaining family members watch that prior to the reading of my will.
Why? Because I thought it would be one last way to have a laugh. My brother and sisters would have loved it, even if it mortified mom and dad. I’ve since realized what a shitty idea that was and had it removed, but I am still proud that it was there for a while.
So, when I talk about sociopaths, I know what I am dealing with. I am one.
TooManyJens
I should get drunk. Or take Valium. Both is probably a poor idea, y/y?
SatanicPanic
Classic! Drunk thread! Sadly, I am only plus 1. Will catch up
joeyess
Jeeebus, Cole. You’re drunk.
Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason
I call bullshit. I’ve known sociopaths. I’ve worked with sociopaths. And you, sir, are no sociopath.
BSoSR + 6 or 7 or so
VividBlueDotty
Steaks? i-products? A WILL? With all those 1%er trappings all around you, it’s no wonder you’re a sociopath. But seriously, I think if you are able to CALL yourself a sociopath, even in a drunken state, you must not really BE one.
mai naem
I am impressed that you were even thinking about your will. Shit, you aren’t even married or have kids or anything. Okay, I forgot Tunchmeister.
sfinny
Must admit that I never considered adding a music video element into my will.
suzanne
Thomas Kinkade died. Is it bad that I’m kinda happy?
I was a picture framer in high school and college, and I can’t tell you how many of those goddamned ugly pieces of shit I put $700 frames on. Oi.
TooManyJens
That reminds me, my husband and I need to make a will. It just feels irresponsible not to have one since we have a child. Are those “will kits” at all worthwhile, or do we need to go see an actual lawyer? We don’t have any unusual finances or anything.
suzanne
@efgoldman:
You’re my kind of person.
kdaug
Proper phraseology: “I iz one”.
Ain’t drunk yet, but working on it. Whisky’s gone, but I’ve got a case of beer to work on.
And haven’t decided yet on the death/funeral/burial plans exactly yet, but it will be rubbed in their faces. Definitely no “plot”, no formadihide, no casket, with a tree (thinking oak) planted on top. Dig a hole, drop me in, and put a new sapling on top. Drop a chiseled rock next to it, and leave me alone in the forest.
Damn near gave my mother & sisters a heart attack when we had Khalil Gibran read at my wedding ceremony 20 years ago.
Aim to do it again.
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
I have told my kids that at my funeral, people are not allowed to sit beside each other wearing the same color clothes. I’m still working on other rules, like maybe a dance floor on my grave.
amk
So only your family get to watch the video? Didn’t give a fuck about tunch, didja ?
ruemara
Dude, you’re a prankster, a crankypants and a hermit. You are no sociopath. I’ve worked in advertising and government. Now, there’s some sociopaths.
kdaug
Oh, and the chiseled rock is optional. Got plenty of artist friends who would happily do one for free, but totally not required.
The tree? Mandatory.
And no fucking poison in my veins.
Let me rot, feed new life, and spend another 100 years as a home to birds, bugs, and assorted critters.
That is my will.
Dan
Trying again to get my phone to show the mobile site.
freelancer
@suzanne:
At least they weren’t McNaughtons. Speaking of which, it’s been reported today that Sean Hannity paid 600 large for a McNaughton of Obama burning the Constitution. Fucker can’t even get Obama’s face right as his interpretation looks like Powers Boothe in blackface.
SatanicPanic
@freelancer: Damn, I know conservatives suck and humor and generally suck at music and movies too, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at them sucking at art, but seriously, realist painting isn’t something you should be able to fuck up and ask that kind of money for.
freelancer
@freelancer:
Correction, six figures, not 600,000 dollars.
asiangrrlMN
Cole, you are not a sociopath. You have a mean streak and a twisted sense of humor, yes, but NOT a sociopath. Had you made it a Nickelback or Creed song, I would have had to reevaluate.
Oh, and I can haz Tunchie, plz? kthxbai.
nastybrutishntall
@freelancer: Hacktacular. I love it. I think McNaughton has never seen a black person, in person.
Clime Acts
Two things:
There are gay bars in WV?
Cole is the neatest, tidiest drunk of which I’ve ever heard.
Spaghetti Lee
I want to have M Night Shyamalan read my eulogy, concluding with, “But maybe…he was DEAD THE WHOLE TIME! What a twist!”
suzanne
@freelancer: Jesus. That painting is BAD. Like, holy shit. I would have gotten a C on that as a freshman in art school.
Example of how my husband is awesome: “Not only is that painting really bad, EVERYBODY knows that when you’re burning the Constitution, you don’t hold it. I mean, come ON.”
Thomas Kinkade’s pseudo-evangelical “hidden messages” in his paintings made me really resentful. GOD. They’re JUST SO BAD.
Spaghetti Lee
@suzanne:
I kinda don’t get the hate for that guy. So he made some kind of derivative paintings, so what? He never hurt anybody, far as I know. A lot of people liked them and at least people will remember him for it. I hope I’m remembered for at least that much. And he was only 54, I think that’s at least a little crappy.
Now, McNaughton hate, that’s something I can get behind.
Dan
Heh. Mobile site comment attempt #2.
nastybrutishntall
BTW – 2 Live Crew did it first. Cole, you know you want “Dick Almighty” somewhere in the service. People faintin, dyin in the aisles.
suzanne
This is so damn funny I cannot come up with a witty rejoinder.
SatanicPanic
@efgoldman: I also wonder about what kind of person wants a painting of someone they hate so much. It would be like getting me someone to paint picture of Rush Limbaugh gobbling down pain pills. That’s the last thing I want on my wall.
asiangrrlMN
@suzanne: “And by unconventional, I mean a no-talented hack.”
sharl
In honor of Thomas Kinkade, here are a couple 2004 galleries ‘honoring’ his work (Part 1 and Part 2) from Photoshop Phridays, by the good folks at Something Awful, who know how to do art right.
And this here 2006 LA Times article seems to suggest that Mr. Kinkade was something of a fraud, swindler, and all-around asshole (via JC_Christian on twitter).
suzanne
@Spaghetti Lee: He hurt lots of people. Shitty business practices led many of the people who invested in his galleries to lose everything, and he used his religion as a tool to defraud people. AND he tortured us all with that DRECK. My eyeballs may never recover.
scott (the other one)
It’s not in my will, but I’ve left instructions that very few of my favorite artists are allowed to be played at my wake—I don’t want my loved ones to later have to think of my wake whenever they hear, say, Springsteen or the Beatles. So pretty much just some Shostakovich and the Replacements, which almost no one else I know in real life likes much anyway.
Yutsano
I’m getting burned and my ashes scattered in three places. No funeral. No will. I won’t have shit when I die anyway so it won’t matter.
@asiangrrlMN: @suzanne: Methinks the FSM is throwing us a few bones. I’m dying to know who the next right-wing hack is who will die suddenly.
suzanne
@Yutsano:
Come on. It HAS to be Rush. That man is so unhealthy, I bet his heartbeat sounds like a wet fart.
freelancer
Hal Sparks has a stand-up special from 2009 that is now on Netflix. I’m 15 minutes in, and it’s pretty good. Check it out.
Alison
So here’s a cheery question: If you are an adult with no significant other and no children, are your parents automatically your “next of kin” in legal matters?
freelancer
@Alison:
I would say yes.
rammalamadingdong
I too am hammered
Alison
@freelancer: It makes sense. Almost makes me feel bad for my folks, but alas, at least I own nothing of any real value (house, stocks, etc).
John Cole
@rammalamadingdong: +1one!!oneeleven!
eemom
fer realz? I had you at pretty damned hammered 3 threads ago. I’m impressed you’re still vertical.
Watching the world go by...Makers and Coke, with a lime
Kevin K, DougJ…late night readers/lurkers from the past…
https://balloon-juice.com/2011/10/16/late-night-open-thread-50/
You’re the best, Cole!
Though if I had to choose a mandated probate song about my junk, I’d probably go with – http://touch.dailymotion.com/video/x636r_ying-yang-twins-wait-the-whisper-so_music
Just saying, +5 (or 6?)
piratedan
alas more sad news, one of my favorite comics, Ron Shock, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, for those of you with discerning tastes, here he is at his best:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRqyy-OQLHU
asiangrrlMN
@Yutsano: I want to be scattered to the winds as well.
Next to kick the bucket: You know who I hope it will be, but I’m not going to bring her minions to storm my countertops by invoking her name.
@Alison: I believe so, but I am not a lawyer, nor do I play on on the teevee machine.
freelancer
@piratedan:
That’s really sad to hear. He was a contemporary of Bill Hicks and like Hicks, never got huge though he probably should have.
piratedan
@freelancer: I believe on his facebook page, he has a collection of Bill Hicks stories when he and Bill were part of the outlaw Texas comics scene.
Tony the Wonderhorse
@efgoldman Niagara Falls!
Slowly I turned …
John, it takes balls to make your family listen to My Dick. You have my continued admiration.
Batocchio
You actually told this story last October. I’m all for giving a laugh, but I think you can find better material…
Bnut
@freelancer:
That’s the most random and correct thing I’ve seen written on the internet in a long time.
asiangrrlMN
@Bnut: Yo, Dawg! What up?
Yutsano
@Bnut: I had wayyyy too much fun at dinner tonight. Got family in town and had probably one of the most awesome ribeyes I’ve ever had. Challenged the work Dawg to make one better. Fueled a testosterone-laden rant that I’ll hold him to. Plus a promise of crab cakes to go along with.
asiangrrlMN
@Yutsano: Want! How about when I visit you? Work Dawg can make steaks for both of us!
cbear
WTF? I may be pretty shit-faced myself right now, but me and my buddy Jack Daniels are about 90% sure that you’ve mentioned this before—maybe in a thread or something.
I swear, I already knew this story.
Either that, or all that Apple equipment you got in the house is beaming shit out and my tinfoil ain’t blocking it.
asiangrrlMN
@cbear: See Batocchio at #54 for confirmation that while you may be drunk, you’re not crazy.
Ruckus
I go along with cbear. Either I have ESPN or you have told us this before. 3-4 years ago if I recall.
Ruckus – stone cold sober
Ruckus
@Ruckus:
OK I may not know where on the space-time continuum things happened but I still have the events nailed. Thanks Batocchio.
asiangrrlMN
@Ruckus: I was going to point you to my comment pointing cbear to Batocchio’s comment, but you beat me to it. Good thing, that.
asiangrrlMN – also stone-cold sober.
Batocchio
@Ruckus:
Actually, it looks like Watching the world go by…Makers and Coke, with a lime @ 48 beat me to it. I just knew I remembered the story.
@efgoldman:
I like that idea. I actually performed Who’s On First? last weekend for a friend’s theater class. The theme for the day was comedy and rhythm/timing.
Bnut
@Yutsano: @asiangrrlMN: That’s funny, I made crab cakes tonight. They were ok. Hard to find good seafood selection in Nashville. However, this morning I did a meet and greet with a local rescue. His name is Monroe, he’s a 5 month old black lab and I’m in love. Doing a home visit Wednesday!Here he is.
cbear
@asiangrrlMN: Thanks, I was beginning to think I might have picked a bad night to quit sniffing glue.
Jeebus.
asiangrrlMN
@Bnut: I had great seafood when I visited NOLA. And, I demand pics of Monroe once the adoption is settled!
@cbear: I was thinking it would be a great night to start!
Yutsano
@asiangrrlMN: Done! He’ll do it too. I swear it’s a pathology with him to prove he’s a great cook. He did make a great butternut squash curry I must admit.
@Bnut: PUPPEH!! You’re sold. Just admit it now. :)
Ruckus
@asiangrrlMN:
That glue thing isn’t as great as it sounds. Never huffed professionally but worked with enough resins and epoxies over the years to get the effect.
Southern Beale
Arrrgh.
Men and their pen1ses. Y’all are just so proud of yourselves. I just don’t get the fascination. It’s not like we ladies sit and talk about our boobs all day.
I wrote a penis non-envy post last year that I think is a good reminder of what it really means to have your penis & nutsack hanging loose in the breeze — your reason for existence from an evolutionary perspective, out there flying around so vulnerable to getting lopped off or damaged or diseased, rendering your biologically useless (from a survival of the species perspective).
It means, biologically speaking, you’re expendable. You’re replaceable. You’re not all that.
Chew on that one, fellas.
My dick? My ass.
Jamie
Huffing glue professionally? Is there like, a tournament for that? Outside of the WaPo editorial pages, I mean.
CynDee
Topic: The Department of Ridiculous Expression
Jess
OMG. Love it. Must change will NOW!
Marcellus Shale, Public Dick
man i can’t wait til john does a sober recap of last night’s party/blog.
and the eternal question, if someone calls you a sociopath, how do you prove them wrong?
Commenting at Ballon Juice since 1937
Don’t you need to own something that somebody would actually want to bother with a will?
Ruckus
@Jamie:
At one time there seemed to be a fairly large group of people who huffed pretty much full time. Living for it, if you could call it that. As professional careers go it is a pretty short time gig and the pay sucks but if that’s all you do then I consider it to be a profession.
And you may be correct about a number of journalists, huffing would explain a lot. Head up ass, head in a bag, maybe their noses are just not calibrated correctly.