Open Thread

Everyone is gone, the kitchen is surgically cleaned, all leftovers are in zip-loc baggies, Walt and company are off to the gay bars, the rest of the crowd is off to their respective homes and party haunts, so now it is just me and the girls.

And I’m pretty damned hammered. So, in the spirit of openness, I thought I would share something with you (I think the only people I have ever told this before tonight were Kevin K. at Rumproast and DougJ). Watch the following video:

One night about three years ago, in a fit of drunken pique, I decided that I wanted that video to be a part of my will. Because I am an itinerant douchebag, for several years, my lawyer would have been required to make my parents and remaining family members watch that prior to the reading of my will.

Why? Because I thought it would be one last way to have a laugh. My brother and sisters would have loved it, even if it mortified mom and dad. I’ve since realized what a shitty idea that was and had it removed, but I am still proud that it was there for a while.

So, when I talk about sociopaths, I know what I am dealing with. I am one.

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76 replies
  1. 1
    TooManyJens says:

    I should get drunk. Or take Valium. Both is probably a poor idea, y/y?

  2. 2
    SatanicPanic says:

    Classic! Drunk thread! Sadly, I am only plus 1. Will catch up

  3. 3
    joeyess says:

    Jeeebus, Cole. You’re drunk.

  4. 4
    efgoldman says:

    @ John Cole

    And I’m pretty damned hammered.

    So, when I talk about sociopaths, I know what I am dealing with. I am one.

    The two things often go together. If you’re still a sociopath in the morning, after the pets have greeted you and you’ve had breakfast, then there might be a problem.

  5. 5
    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason says:

    I call bullshit. I’ve known sociopaths. I’ve worked with sociopaths. And you, sir, are no sociopath.

    BSoSR + 6 or 7 or so

  6. 6
    VividBlueDotty says:

    Steaks? i-products? A WILL? With all those 1%er trappings all around you, it’s no wonder you’re a sociopath. But seriously, I think if you are able to CALL yourself a sociopath, even in a drunken state, you must not really BE one.

  7. 7
    efgoldman says:

    @ John Cole

    One night about three years ago, in a fit of drunken pique, I decided that I wanted that video to be a part of my will.

    Hah! I’ve left instruction that my sendoff is to include the Parrot Sketch, and Abbott and Costello’s Who’s on First?
    No, I’m not joking. I was cold sober when I did it (I haven’t been drunk in more than 30 years) and I’m not going to change it.
    Could be worse. I almost threw in Niagara Falls.

  8. 8
    mai naem says:

    I am impressed that you were even thinking about your will. Shit, you aren’t even married or have kids or anything. Okay, I forgot Tunchmeister.

  9. 9
    sfinny says:

    Must admit that I never considered adding a music video element into my will.

  10. 10
    suzanne says:

    Thomas Kinkade died. Is it bad that I’m kinda happy?

    I was a picture framer in high school and college, and I can’t tell you how many of those goddamned ugly pieces of shit I put $700 frames on. Oi.

  11. 11
    TooManyJens says:

    That reminds me, my husband and I need to make a will. It just feels irresponsible not to have one since we have a child. Are those “will kits” at all worthwhile, or do we need to go see an actual lawyer? We don’t have any unusual finances or anything.

  12. 12
    suzanne says:

    @efgoldman:

    I’ve left instruction that my sendoff is to include the Parrot Sketch

    You’re my kind of person.

  13. 13
    kdaug says:

    Proper phraseology: “I iz one”.

    Ain’t drunk yet, but working on it. Whisky’s gone, but I’ve got a case of beer to work on.

    And haven’t decided yet on the death/funeral/burial plans exactly yet, but it will be rubbed in their faces. Definitely no “plot”, no formadihide, no casket, with a tree (thinking oak) planted on top. Dig a hole, drop me in, and put a new sapling on top. Drop a chiseled rock next to it, and leave me alone in the forest.

    Damn near gave my mother & sisters a heart attack when we had Khalil Gibran read at my wedding ceremony 20 years ago.

    Aim to do it again.

  14. 14
    Belafon (formerly anonevent) says:

    I have told my kids that at my funeral, people are not allowed to sit beside each other wearing the same color clothes. I’m still working on other rules, like maybe a dance floor on my grave.

  15. 15
    amk says:

    So only your family get to watch the video? Didn’t give a fuck about tunch, didja ?

  16. 16
    ruemara says:

    Dude, you’re a prankster, a crankypants and a hermit. You are no sociopath. I’ve worked in advertising and government. Now, there’s some sociopaths.

  17. 17
    kdaug says:

    Oh, and the chiseled rock is optional. Got plenty of artist friends who would happily do one for free, but totally not required.

    The tree? Mandatory.

    And no fucking poison in my veins.

    Let me rot, feed new life, and spend another 100 years as a home to birds, bugs, and assorted critters.

    That is my will.

  18. 18
    Dan says:

    Trying again to get my phone to show the mobile site.

  19. 19
    efgoldman says:

    @suzanne:

    You’re my kind of person

    I got it from my kid. She had the whole thing committed to memory by 7th grade; had overdubbed it in French for an AP project in 10th grade; by senior year in HS she’d have a bunch of friends over, and they’d play theHoly Grail video, every one of them reciting along word-for-word.

  20. 20
    freelancer says:

    @suzanne:

    At least they weren’t McNaughtons. Speaking of which, it’s been reported today that Sean Hannity paid 600 large for a McNaughton of Obama burning the Constitution. Fucker can’t even get Obama’s face right as his interpretation looks like Powers Boothe in blackface.

  21. 21
    efgoldman says:

    @freelancer:

    Sean Hannity paid 600 large for a McNaughton of Obama burning the Constitution.

    I’m sure the fucker plans to hold onto it for years, then sell at a profit. Won’t it be a hoot when someone offers him ten bucks for it!
    [And shame on me. I clicked the link.]

  22. 22
    SatanicPanic says:

    @freelancer: Damn, I know conservatives suck and humor and generally suck at music and movies too, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at them sucking at art, but seriously, realist painting isn’t something you should be able to fuck up and ask that kind of money for.

  23. 23
    freelancer says:

    @freelancer:

    Correction, six figures, not 600,000 dollars.

  24. 24
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Cole, you are not a sociopath. You have a mean streak and a twisted sense of humor, yes, but NOT a sociopath. Had you made it a Nickelback or Creed song, I would have had to reevaluate.

    Oh, and I can haz Tunchie, plz? kthxbai.

  25. 25
    nastybrutishntall says:

    @freelancer: Hacktacular. I love it. I think McNaughton has never seen a black person, in person.

  26. 26
    Clime Acts says:

    Two things:

    There are gay bars in WV?

    Cole is the neatest, tidiest drunk of which I’ve ever heard.

  27. 27
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    I want to have M Night Shyamalan read my eulogy, concluding with, “But maybe…he was DEAD THE WHOLE TIME! What a twist!”

  28. 28
    efgoldman says:

    @SatanicPanic:

    …I shouldn’t be surprised at them sucking at art.

    It reminds me of nothing so much as government-approved Soviet and Nazi art from the 1930s.
    That’s probably not a coincidence.

  29. 29
    suzanne says:

    @freelancer: Jesus. That painting is BAD. Like, holy shit. I would have gotten a C on that as a freshman in art school.

    Example of how my husband is awesome: “Not only is that painting really bad, EVERYBODY knows that when you’re burning the Constitution, you don’t hold it. I mean, come ON.”

    Thomas Kinkade’s pseudo-evangelical “hidden messages” in his paintings made me really resentful. GOD. They’re JUST SO BAD.

  30. 30
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    @suzanne:

    I kinda don’t get the hate for that guy. So he made some kind of derivative paintings, so what? He never hurt anybody, far as I know. A lot of people liked them and at least people will remember him for it. I hope I’m remembered for at least that much. And he was only 54, I think that’s at least a little crappy.

    Now, McNaughton hate, that’s something I can get behind.

  31. 31
    Dan says:

    Heh. Mobile site comment attempt #2.

  32. 32
    nastybrutishntall says:

    BTW – 2 Live Crew did it first. Cole, you know you want “Dick Almighty” somewhere in the service. People faintin, dyin in the aisles.

  33. 33
    suzanne says:

    “I’m a very unconventional artist,” McNaughton told EW. “Those in art circles in New York and other in-the-know people really do not like my paintings.”

    This is so damn funny I cannot come up with a witty rejoinder.

  34. 34
    SatanicPanic says:

    @efgoldman: I also wonder about what kind of person wants a painting of someone they hate so much. It would be like getting me someone to paint picture of Rush Limbaugh gobbling down pain pills. That’s the last thing I want on my wall.

  35. 35
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @suzanne: “And by unconventional, I mean a no-talented hack.”

  36. 36
    sharl says:

    In honor of Thomas Kinkade, here are a couple 2004 galleries ‘honoring’ his work (Part 1 and Part 2) from Photoshop Phridays, by the good folks at Something Awful, who know how to do art right.

    And this here 2006 LA Times article seems to suggest that Mr. Kinkade was something of a fraud, swindler, and all-around asshole (via JC_Christian on twitter).

  37. 37
    suzanne says:

    @Spaghetti Lee: He hurt lots of people. Shitty business practices led many of the people who invested in his galleries to lose everything, and he used his religion as a tool to defraud people. AND he tortured us all with that DRECK. My eyeballs may never recover.

  38. 38
    scott (the other one) says:

    It’s not in my will, but I’ve left instructions that very few of my favorite artists are allowed to be played at my wake—I don’t want my loved ones to later have to think of my wake whenever they hear, say, Springsteen or the Beatles. So pretty much just some Shostakovich and the Replacements, which almost no one else I know in real life likes much anyway.

  39. 39
    Yutsano says:

    I’m getting burned and my ashes scattered in three places. No funeral. No will. I won’t have shit when I die anyway so it won’t matter.

    @asiangrrlMN: @suzanne: Methinks the FSM is throwing us a few bones. I’m dying to know who the next right-wing hack is who will die suddenly.

  40. 40
    suzanne says:

    @Yutsano:

    I’m dying to know who the next right-wing hack is who will die suddenly.

    Come on. It HAS to be Rush. That man is so unhealthy, I bet his heartbeat sounds like a wet fart.

  41. 41
    freelancer says:

    Hal Sparks has a stand-up special from 2009 that is now on Netflix. I’m 15 minutes in, and it’s pretty good. Check it out.

  42. 42
    Alison says:

    So here’s a cheery question: If you are an adult with no significant other and no children, are your parents automatically your “next of kin” in legal matters?

  43. 43
    freelancer says:

    @Alison:

    I would say yes.

  44. 44
    rammalamadingdong says:

    I too am hammered

  45. 45
    Alison says:

    @freelancer: It makes sense. Almost makes me feel bad for my folks, but alas, at least I own nothing of any real value (house, stocks, etc).

  46. 46
  47. 47
    eemom says:

    I’m pretty damned hammered.

    fer realz? I had you at pretty damned hammered 3 threads ago. I’m impressed you’re still vertical.

  48. 48
    Watching the world go by...Makers and Coke, with a lime says:

    Kevin K, DougJ…late night readers/lurkers from the past…

    http://www.balloon-juice.com/2.....thread-50/

    You’re the best, Cole!

    Though if I had to choose a mandated probate song about my junk, I’d probably go with – http://touch.dailymotion.com/v.....r-so_music

    Just saying, +5 (or 6?)

  49. 49
    piratedan says:

    alas more sad news, one of my favorite comics, Ron Shock, has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, for those of you with discerning tastes, here he is at his best:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRqyy-OQLHU

  50. 50
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Yutsano: I want to be scattered to the winds as well.

    Next to kick the bucket: You know who I hope it will be, but I’m not going to bring her minions to storm my countertops by invoking her name.

    @Alison: I believe so, but I am not a lawyer, nor do I play on on the teevee machine.

  51. 51
    freelancer says:

    @piratedan:

    That’s really sad to hear. He was a contemporary of Bill Hicks and like Hicks, never got huge though he probably should have.

  52. 52
    piratedan says:

    @freelancer: I believe on his facebook page, he has a collection of Bill Hicks stories when he and Bill were part of the outlaw Texas comics scene.

  53. 53
    Tony the Wonderhorse says:

    @efgoldman Niagara Falls!

    Slowly I turned …

    John, it takes balls to make your family listen to My Dick. You have my continued admiration.

  54. 54
    Batocchio says:

    You actually told this story last October. I’m all for giving a laugh, but I think you can find better material…

  55. 55
    Bnut says:

    @freelancer:

    looks like Powers Boothe in blackface

    That’s the most random and correct thing I’ve seen written on the internet in a long time.

  56. 56
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Bnut: Yo, Dawg! What up?

  57. 57
    Yutsano says:

    @Bnut: I had wayyyy too much fun at dinner tonight. Got family in town and had probably one of the most awesome ribeyes I’ve ever had. Challenged the work Dawg to make one better. Fueled a testosterone-laden rant that I’ll hold him to. Plus a promise of crab cakes to go along with.

  58. 58
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Yutsano: Want! How about when I visit you? Work Dawg can make steaks for both of us!

  59. 59
    cbear says:

    (I think the only people I have ever told this before tonight were Kevin K. at Rumproast and DougJ).

    WTF? I may be pretty shit-faced myself right now, but me and my buddy Jack Daniels are about 90% sure that you’ve mentioned this before—maybe in a thread or something.

    I swear, I already knew this story.
    Either that, or all that Apple equipment you got in the house is beaming shit out and my tinfoil ain’t blocking it.

  60. 60
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @cbear: See Batocchio at #54 for confirmation that while you may be drunk, you’re not crazy.

  61. 61
    Ruckus says:

    I go along with cbear. Either I have ESPN or you have told us this before. 3-4 years ago if I recall.

    Ruckus – stone cold sober

  62. 62
    Ruckus says:

    @Ruckus:
    OK I may not know where on the space-time continuum things happened but I still have the events nailed. Thanks Batocchio.

  63. 63
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Ruckus: I was going to point you to my comment pointing cbear to Batocchio’s comment, but you beat me to it. Good thing, that.

    asiangrrlMN – also stone-cold sober.

  64. 64
    Batocchio says:

    @Ruckus:

    Actually, it looks like Watching the world go by…Makers and Coke, with a lime @ 48 beat me to it. I just knew I remembered the story.

    @efgoldman:

    I like that idea. I actually performed Who’s On First? last weekend for a friend’s theater class. The theme for the day was comedy and rhythm/timing.

  65. 65
    Bnut says:

    @Yutsano: @asiangrrlMN: That’s funny, I made crab cakes tonight. They were ok. Hard to find good seafood selection in Nashville. However, this morning I did a meet and greet with a local rescue. His name is Monroe, he’s a 5 month old black lab and I’m in love. Doing a home visit Wednesday!Here he is.

  66. 66
    cbear says:

    @asiangrrlMN: Thanks, I was beginning to think I might have picked a bad night to quit sniffing glue.
    Jeebus.

  67. 67
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Bnut: I had great seafood when I visited NOLA. And, I demand pics of Monroe once the adoption is settled!

    @cbear: I was thinking it would be a great night to start!

  68. 68
    Yutsano says:

    @asiangrrlMN: Done! He’ll do it too. I swear it’s a pathology with him to prove he’s a great cook. He did make a great butternut squash curry I must admit.

    @Bnut: PUPPEH!! You’re sold. Just admit it now. :)

  69. 69
    Ruckus says:

    @asiangrrlMN:
    That glue thing isn’t as great as it sounds. Never huffed professionally but worked with enough resins and epoxies over the years to get the effect.

  70. 70

    Arrrgh.

    Men and their pen1ses. Y’all are just so proud of yourselves. I just don’t get the fascination. It’s not like we ladies sit and talk about our boobs all day.

    I wrote a penis non-envy post last year that I think is a good reminder of what it really means to have your penis & nutsack hanging loose in the breeze — your reason for existence from an evolutionary perspective, out there flying around so vulnerable to getting lopped off or damaged or diseased, rendering your biologically useless (from a survival of the species perspective).

    It means, biologically speaking, you’re expendable. You’re replaceable. You’re not all that.

    Chew on that one, fellas.

    My dick? My ass.

  71. 71
    Jamie says:

    Huffing glue professionally? Is there like, a tournament for that? Outside of the WaPo editorial pages, I mean.

  72. 72
    CynDee says:

    Topic: The Department of Ridiculous Expression

    Because I am an itinerant douchebag

    Expressions featuring this word are used most often by men, sometimes very good men, to indicate something uniquely filthy, disgusting, and nasty — the ultimate awful, smelly, disease-infested, despised Thing.

    I’m surprised at you, John; I guess you were tipsy. You’re not usually inappropriate with words, and you are more than sensitive to the nature and lives of of both genders. You do so much good for creatures of all persuasions and I’ll always love you.

    But there’s that word again, so I hope that you won’t mind a gentle nudge as a way of reaching a larger readership. After all, a guy can’t know everything about women’s lives, and that is part of my point.

    Let me ask you gentlemen who use this brave terminology what you really know about an item that is used to achieve cleanliness, sanitation, and healing. For your information, It is not needed frequently, does not become dirty or contaminated, and supplies relief that only gentle cleansing and rinsing can achieve. All good.

    Furthermore, one — though not the only — reason that a woman may need such an appliance is that her contact with a man has resulted in internal problems. These problems, which can be a bother or quite unwholesome or even dangerous, may or may not be anyone’s “fault.” Simple fact of life: until a woman can see her doctor, she may need to douche for relief from physical distress. I doubt that a man who calls himself or someone else a douchebag fits this description.

    Maybe you all can get by with a shower and a washcloth, but once in a while the other half of humanity can’t.

    If you want women to believe that you are loutish, ignorant, and careless, well, this is the word for you. (“Jeez! I can’t say ANYTHING anymore!!”) — You’ll get by; there are over a million words in the Oxford English Dictionary alone.

    If you are a man and must show deprecation or self-deprecation, please either confine it to the male sphere of influence or to conditions you actually know something about. There are any number of vivid images that come to mind . . .

    These days we are seeing more and more men who open their mouths and prove themselves to know little or NOTHING about women’s bodies and health, not to mention their minds and hearts. And this is without wanting to be a Romney, a Santorum, a Newt, or a Rush.

    The increasingly common experience of hearing people called “douchebags,” reminds me of something my best man friend said to me a few years ago: “If you knew what I knew — well, men are basically just AWFUL. If I were a woman, I wouldn’t have anything to DO with men.”

    At the time I was shocked and didn’t agree with him, because I’ve been so fortunate in my choice of husband and friends. But each time I hear the Ugly Expression, I start thinking things over again. It gives me the creeps to understand the degree of idiot disdain for Things Female is festering outside my home circle.

    I just read in the National Geographic an astounding statistic: 45% of young adult women in China say that if they have to choose between a husband and a career, they’ll take the career. Disclosure: I don’t personally know how polite or sensitive Chinese men tend to be.

  73. 73
    Jess says:

    OMG. Love it. Must change will NOW!

  74. 74
    Marcellus Shale, Public Dick says:

    man i can’t wait til john does a sober recap of last night’s party/blog.

    and the eternal question, if someone calls you a sociopath, how do you prove them wrong?

  75. 75
    Commenting at Ballon Juice since 1937 says:

    Don’t you need to own something that somebody would actually want to bother with a will?

  76. 76
    Ruckus says:

    @Jamie:
    At one time there seemed to be a fairly large group of people who huffed pretty much full time. Living for it, if you could call it that. As professional careers go it is a pretty short time gig and the pay sucks but if that’s all you do then I consider it to be a profession.
    And you may be correct about a number of journalists, huffing would explain a lot. Head up ass, head in a bag, maybe their noses are just not calibrated correctly.

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