Because I Don’t Think Many of You Understand

After the last post, it seemed like many of you pooh-poohed the tyranny of living under Tunch. Well, now I have evidence. I just went to the living room and tried to watch a back episode of Luck, and this is what happened- the vicious tyrant jumped up on me, pinned me helpless to the lazy-boy, and began clawing my stomach and chest while roaring fiercely at me. Here is the video proof of this terrifying encounter (I’m sorry about the quality of the film, but I was under duress – but who would really bitch about the quality of video smuggled from a warzone?):

The crunching you hear is Rosie mangling a rawhide. But seriously, do you now understand the yoke of totalitarian Tunch oppression under which I toil and bring you this website? Who among you could handle this kind of fierce domination and dehumanization? I deal with this on a daily basis.

The things I do for you all.

48 replies
  1. 1
    Yutsano says:

    Goood kitteh. Show that hairless ape who the Lord and Master is!

  2. 2
    Roger Moore says:

    I, for one, welcome our new feline overlords.

  3. 3
    Librarian says:

    I hadn’t been aware that you had a day job, and when you referred to your “boss” in a post a few days ago, I thought you meant Tunch.

  4. 4
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Oh. Mah. Gah. I am deddded from the cuteness. I wanna be in your war-zone, Cole! Squeeeee! Live-action Tunchie!

    @Yutsano: All is forgiven, honey. ::wet sloppy kiss::

  5. 5
    Spaghetti Lee says:

    Aw, what a sweet kitty. Pet him once for me-I only get to see my kitties when I’m home from school.

  6. 6
    amk says:

    animal human cruelty.

  7. 7
    PPOG Penguin says:

    Meh. Call us back when he starts clawing your love spuds.

  8. 8
    DanielX says:

    The tyranny of Tunch. And there are two like him here.

    Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  9. 9
    Yutsano says:


    I wanna be in your war-zone, Cole!

    Subtle, this ain’t. :)

  10. 10
    Cliff in NH says:

    Here is some playful Molly, enjoy, she sure did:

    Play is Good, Molly playing with a injured dog to take her mind off the hurt paw:

    Molly playing in the snow after weeks in warm SC:

    Molly playing with a puppy in SC:

  11. 11
    numfar says:

    Face it, you are Tunch’s bitch.

    Now, go get him a sandwich.

  12. 12
    kwAwk says:

    Since I figure this to be an open thread, I have to say sometimes you’ve gotta love Newsmax…..

    In a recently released Harris poll asking respondents who they consider the “best president since World War II,” Ronald Reagan is cited by 25 percent, well ahead of Franklin Roosevelt at 19 percent and John Kennedy at 15 percent.

    Now that’s a poll result you can trust.

  13. 13
    Ed Dane defender of Doughnuts says:

    How does Tunch feel about the Tampa Bay Rays new mascot DJ Kitty?

  14. 14
    jill says:

    yeah, uh-huh. Despite the video quality, it was clear that you were petting him. Stockholm Syndrome, much?

  15. 15
    Winston Smith says:

    I soiled my armor, I was so scared.

  16. 16
    Suffern ACE says:

    So maybe someone with a better criminal mind will fill me in, but what would you need six trillion in counterfeit bonds for? I remember that case they mention where the police at the Swiss border arrested the Japanese with hundreds of billions of bonds. But wouldn’t the Swiss bancs be suspicious if someone came in and tried to secure a loan with a trillion in US Bonds?

  17. 17
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Cliff in NH: Awwwwww! Molly is a doll. What happened to her paw?

    P.S. Puppeh cute.


  18. 18
    freelancer says:

    Jason Gedrick has come a long way since Iron Eagle, no? And it’s good to see Kevin Dunne getting work that’s critically acclaimed.

    PS Your cat is a monster. And I only say that because I’m allergic. He has enough dander to be considered a WMD.

  19. 19
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    It’s clear to me that you earned that.

    You’re the problem John, I’m sure Tunch can deal with it. ;)

  20. 20
    Viva BrisVegas says:


    Now that’s a poll result you can trust.

    How about Woodrow Wilson?

    He was an old-timey President too!

  21. 21
    SFPoet says:

    “The Horror… the Horror” :)

  22. 22
    LesGS says:

    John, actually, I think many of us understand the conditions you endure completely. Many of us also live under the iron claw of a feline overlord, appreciated only for our opposable thumbs and our skills with a can-opener. And yet, and yet… we are unable to resist inviting these tyrants into our homes. I believe we are all victims of the Stockholm Syndrome.

  23. 23
    Annamal says:

    Hah! You’ve got it easy Mr Cole, at least Tunch has only the standard number of toes (at 26 claws when Dax the cat kneads you…you stay kneaded).

    Also at least Tunch isn’t completely community property:
    I spent 20 minutes pinned to a park bench today by a drooling Lola the Aro valley park cat.

  24. 24
    freelancer says:


    Many of us also live under the iron claw of a feline overlord, appreciated only for our opposable thumbs and our skills with a can-opener. And yet, and yet… we are unable to resist inviting these tyrants into our homes. I believe we are all victims of the Stockholm Syndrome.

    Yeah, it’s all well and good when the felines nuzzle up against you in the cold, cold night. I live in an apartment complex where a neighbor indulges the strays by feeding them and leaving out water and milk and as such, this libertarian approach towards cat outreach results in vicious cat death-matches on a nightly basis. My next door neighbor who’s a security guard asked if he needed to pick anything up and my first thought was “shit yeah, a pellet gun”, because if she’s enabling these strays, they don’t have a good home and are being left to natural selection to ensure their survival. It’s sad, and there’s nothing I can do to restrict my distant neighbor from leaving out food and water for these stray kitties, but when I hear them tearing each other apart in the early morning hours, my first thought as a victim of bullies in my own life is to shelter the loser and kill the winner, but that isn’t an option. Goddamn these people who think they’re doing good, but enable these felines that fight, red in tooth and claw.

  25. 25
    mattH says:

    There’s nothing quite like picking up my Chipper, having him force me to hold him like a baby, and just petting his tummy.

  26. 26

    @freelancer: Yes, a true humanitarian would get them TNR’d and with the hormones out of the picture, they are not so driven.

  27. 27

    OT complaint:

    I’m working today and am starting right at the beginning with reports on people who are younger than I am but who are in the process of dying.


    Death and taxes.

  28. 28
    harlana says:

    for THIS and for ruminations on the cosmic perfection of pink kitteh noses, I THANK YOU!

  29. 29
    AxelFoley says:

    Ah, so I finally get to see the Mighty Tunch in action and not just in still pictures.

    Yeah, he’s a beast, Cole. ;)

  30. 30
    Heather says:

    I love Tunch! TY J.Cole!

  31. 31
    Maude says:

    @WereBear (itouch):
    We had a large bunch of feral cats living in a dilapidated building some time ago. A woman would come every night and feed them. The kittens looked very abnormal.
    Finally, after people had been trying to solve this, the cats were taken to a shelter.
    The building is gone now.

  32. 32
    Joy in FL says:

    Tunch is beautiful, even in the dark.

    My sweet orange cat Arthur ( on the Jan. page of our calendar) has a similar technique, but much less poundage. I share your pain, Mr. Cole, with a big smile on my face.

  33. 33
    IrishGirl says:

    Awwwwww, what a sweet kitty-poo! love it when the knead and purr like that.

  34. 34
    rm says:

    This website is in violation of applicable copyright laws for rebroadcasting some TV show without permission. It will be immediately seized and shut down, and everyone who has ever visited it will receive a visit from the FBI. Resistance is futile.

  35. 35
    gogol's wife says:

    I always miss all the good stuff overnight. The meditation on cat noses really hit me where I live. I consider the cat nose to be proof of the existence of God.

    I said this on a thread a while ago, but I’ll repeat it in honor of Tunch: one of my students was simply mesmerized by my Tunch Obey mouse pad. She wouldn’t leave my office. Tunch is the best.

  36. 36
    gogol's wife says:


    That TV show looks eminently unwatchable, doesn’t it?

  37. 37
    Bill H. says:

    I have a rule that my lap is a “no bathing zone,” which Molly doesn’t seem to mind too badly, as she spends evenings in my lap rather than in my wife’s. My wife thinks it is hilarious every time I enforce the rule. Molly starts up licking some part of her body, I poke her firmly but by no means punitively with my fingertip, and then a glaring contest ensues. Sometimes a second licking and second poke is required, and then she is really pissed, but settles down and does not leave my lap. Kathy keeps urging her to bite me, and I confess to a rather divided opinion about that.

    Sometimes Molly will be sleeping in my lap, will raise her head and stare into space for a few seconds, jump out of my lap and furiously wash some part of her body, and then jump back into my lap, curl up and go back to sleep. She understands the rule very well, and our periodic spats occur when she just decides she doesn’t want to follow it.

  38. 38
    Cliff in NH says:


    the pitbull got a small rock jammed up into the soft underside of her claw, I actually need to call and see if they were able to get it out, they didn’t have the $160 it would cost to go to the vet and have her sedated to remove it.

    Hope they got it out… I don’t want it to get infected.

  39. 39
    WaterGirl says:

    @Bill H.: That is a very sweet story to wake up to this morning.

  40. 40
    CaseyL says:

    @Bill H.: My two invariably start bathing when we’re all settled in bed for the night. I figure it’s a sign of how safe they feel, since they like to devote single-minded attention to grooming. Very important to get all of one’s fur looking just so!

    I second wishing I hadn’t missed the Cat Nose post. If you look very, very closely, kitty noses look like they’re made of tiny dots. Where doggies have “nose-leather,” kitties have nose-pixels!

    And my Miss Jean Gray’s nose is a blue-gray shading into purple, or at least looks that color against her gray fur. Like Cole, I can spend a lot of time contemplating it.

    Reminder to Seattle BJers: Meet-up at the Sazerac tonight at 6:00.

  41. 41
    Billy Beane says:

    Cole can spew on endlessly about his fat useless cat but just can’t be bothered to fix his blog site.

  42. 42
    Billy Beane says:

    I think it’s safe to say the press release for that video over sold it a wee bit.

  43. 43
    Gemina13 says:

    I woke up this morning with Lucky, my tuxedo, lodged firmly against my stomach, lying on his back with his paws curled, purring.

    God, I love having a feline overlord.

    Now to convince the BF that sharing the bed with Lucky won’t always be a bad thing . . .

  44. 44
    Chris Grrr™ says:

    The post was exceptionally amusing, and it improved my day to see video of the Feline Authoritarian.

  45. 45
    Batocchio says:

    Petting Tunch reveals that you are a willing participant in your oppression.

    (This clearly means all contraception should be outlawed, and the rich should pay no taxes.)

  46. 46
    demimondian says:

    John, I am in awe at your self-sacrifice in this regard. I am utterly speechless.

    Fortunately for you, I can still type over Tunch’s purr.

  47. 47
    Luci says:

    It is a hard life we live, in thrall to our feline overlords! But, it gives our pitiful existence meaning if we can make their little furry lives even a bit better and more pampered. I have four of the little buggers who SHOULD be grateful to me for their very existence, but are they?? No… they are not… I/we simply exist to bring them pleasure…oh, and wet cat fud. We live to serve. :)

  48. 48
    pianoguy says:

    Love that big rattly purr!

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