You know, posting the picture of my fat mug a couple weeks ago was kind of quite liberating. It’s not like I have really been hiding anything- I’ve been pretty open I’m a fat, blonde haired, blue eyed, pasty skinned white guy. But for some reason I never posted a picture, because I guess I just feared the reaction or the inevitable photoshops. I guess I never realized that most of you are just as ugly and pudgy as me.
But that is neither here nor there, as there has been something else I have wanted to talk about for quite some time. I kept it a secret, not because it was the right thing to do, but because I guess I was scared I would be dismissed, or scared that maybe I was alone, or maybe because I just wasn’t ready to deal with it.
At any rate, a couple of summers ago, a few months after I got Lily, I started to have some really weird physical symptoms. I would have this really unnerving tingling sensation in my fingers and toes, and I would every now and then get these horrible sessions of just feeling panicky. I ignored it for a long while, because things were just going so well. I had Lily, and we were walking for 5-7 miles every morning on the rails to trails, my blood pressure was low, everything else was fine, and I went to the doctor and they said everything was fine and that I should keep on my current trajectory, as I was doing everything I was supposed to do physically.
But the tingling in the hands and toes persisted. And I started to freak out. I was doing everything right, eating right, exercising a ton, and Lily and I were walking for hours every day and I was hitting the gym. Plus, I had Lily in my life, and was really the happiest I had been in decades. I just love everything about that dog. She doesn’t do tricks, she isn’t a hunter, she has no real skills other than sitting on my lap and looking at me in a way that melts my heart, and every now and then sitting up and licking my face. Now, you all know I love Tunch, but my outlook on life just changed once I got Lily. She is without question the best thing to happen to me in my adult life.
So I couldn’t figure it out. What was wrong with me? Why were my fingers and toes going numb? I started using google and WebMd, trying to figure out why, in the peak of my happiness, I would be having numb fingers and toes and every now and then having these hot flashes. And I discovered a whole gambit of things that I could have had- MS, diabetes, you name it.
And then, inexplicably, things got worse. The numb fingers and toes were just a prelude, it seemed. Now I was getting spells of dizziness, with a shortness of breath, sweating, and an uncontrolled panic. I went to the doctor again, and told her- “I think I am losing my mind or something. I just keep freaking out. Why is this happening to me? Why do I just want to take a cold shower and hide under my comforter with Lily? Why do I keep feeling panicked like I am dying? RUN SOME TESTS, GOD DAMNIT!”
This went on for a while- maybe two months. And every day, the panic would build, and I would wonder what was happening to me and whether I was just going insane. I would lie in bed, in terror, thinking “Just make this stop.” I would self-medicate, drinking a ton to try to just go to sleep. It was awful.
Finally, my wonderful doctor, after all the tests had been run and I was not diabetic, I didn’t have MS, there was no brain tumor or anything else, just looked at me and said- “You are just having panic attacks. I want you to go talk to a therapist.” She tried to prescribe me drugs (I think it was Xanax or something), but I passed because I have a sister who is a heroin addict and other relatives who have pill issues, and I just don’t want to deal with that crap. I already drink way too god damned much and eat too much, I don’t want to add pills and other crap into the mix.
Long story short, I went to a therapist for a couple of months. It turns out I was having fairly typical anxiety attacks, very common, and we did a number of different things, including breathing exercises, and now, I am of course a completely fucked up individual, but no more than any of you all and I’m not having tingling fingers or toes. In fact, that was the weirdest thing of all- just two sessions with this woman, talking, and the numbness and panic attacks stopped.
But that isn’t the point of this story. The point is, that as it was happening, I confided in a few people- DougJ, commenters JSF and Laura W. and Genine, as well as my boss (my boss is the first person I told, because I am truly blessed in that my boss is probably my closest friend) and my parents and a couple of close friends (long time readers remember Tammy and Brian). But I kept it from you all. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed. I felt weak, like there was something wrong with me. I didn’t want people to know because I was afraid that it would be somehow used against me or used to discredit me.
In short, I was a coward. I’m not proud of the way I reacted, and I am not proud that I didn’t use this forum to educate others. I’m really not. I was a wimp. I guess maybe I was just focused on getting myself healthy, which really should be the most important goal. But I’d like to try to do it now.
There is nothing wrong with you, and we need to work to remove the stigma regarding mental illness. I was mentally ill- there is no other why to describe what I went through. It was horrible, it was terrifying, it was scary, and worst of all, it was lonely. You have no idea what it is like hiding under your blanket, crying, terrified, while you have to put on a pretty face for a blog and keep up a job. I would lie there, thinking to myself, “I wish these chest pains were just a heart attack and I would die.” You are not alone. You are not unique. Reach out for help, and get it. People will understand, and more of them than you realize have already gone through the same thing. Hell, in the world we live in, it is amazing that there are people who are not depressed, anxious, or having anxiety attacks.
I was wrong. I’m better now, I take no medication, and I realize that what I went through is something that while traumatic, is completely normal and completely treatable. I also realize that I was lucky. I had loving family members and friends, I had spectacular medical care, and I had what it takes to make it through what was for me a summer of hell. And everyone should have the same.
So that is that. I’ve kept it close to the vest for quite some time, but I’m just at a point in my life that I truly do not give a shit anymore. In short, I hope if you are depressed, or something is just not right, you won’t be embarrassed or feel guilty, you’ll talk to a friend or family member or doctor and take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you and no reason to be ashamed. Take care of yourself.
And one last thing- you all may think they are just snark artists, but you have no idea how genuinely good a people that JustSomeFuckhead and DougJ are, not to mention LauraW and Genine. If it were not for the people I met on this website, I don’t think I would have made it through the darkest hours.
amk
Heh, who you calling ugly and pudgy ?
slag
Weird. I have a friend who has had these same symptoms–the tingling in limbs and whatnot–for a while now. She went through all the same tests and got the same results. I’ll mention this to her and see what she says. Thanks for sharing!
Kristine
I’m sorry you went through hell, and glad you found help. You’re a good man and you deserve a good life.
Comrade Mary
Jesus Christ, John. I am so sorry you went through that horrible period. You’re a good guy, and I’m so glad you got medical help and loads of emotional support.
And I knew, just knew, that all the people you list are good ones. I’m glad to see them get that public acknowledgement.
dead existentialist
I’m quite comfortable with my mental illnesses, thank you very much.
Glad to hear that you’ve made your peace with yours. Straight ahead, brother.
Jager
Been there, went through a period of two or three months with almost no sleep or finally falling asleep at 6am and then have to be at the office at 8. I had been through a rough divorce and promotion that moved me to somewhere I absolutely hated, I had to leave a wonderful woman behind, my kids were mad at me for divorcing their mom, drinking too fucking much, womanizing, etc, etc, etc. I finally went to see a therapist after spending night after night walking around and around my little shitty swimming pool. He talked me off the skinny branches, I settled down and my dog quit looking at me with a WTF look. It was a real bitch for over a year. I was so fucking bad for awhile that once during a budget meeting, I jumped up and started doing push ups in the conference room.
Cliff in NH
um, so no solution to the random tingly bits?
Damm.
scott (the other one)
Funny, it never occurred to me that DougJ wasn’t a really good guy.
Very glad you’re doing better. You do good and important work here.
Yutsano
The stigma of mental illness in this country is shameful. And fatal. An old friend of my brother’s does therapy for the homeless in Seattle. She’s a fucking saint for doing it.
luminous muse
I am sorry you had to go through this, and sorry you felt you had to hide it. Unfortunately so many feel that way.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder. It’s messed up my life almost from the start. But at a very advanced age I’m finally getting some help (and learning to help myself.)
I’m also considering writing a book about my experience. I think it might help people feel less shame about these common conditions.
Calming Influence
John, thanks so much for posting this. You didn’t confide in this community because that would have been something that a relaxed person not experiencing panic attacks would have done. You have no idea how fucked up a lot of us are out here, and we’re the fucking good guys.
wasabi gasp
Used –
VeryGoodDee Loralei
I’m glad you got help, were able to afford it, and had the insurance to deal with the rest. You’re a good guy. You are normal. I appreciate what you have created here, what you do. I want you online forever. You are a good man. A decent and kind man. Your pets love you. Your family and friends love you. And we, your online family love you too. I;m going to bed, but dammit Cole, you are a GOOD GUY!
Halfasthero
I am happy to hear you are doing better and sorry to hear you were embarrassed to tell anyone. Your post might inspire others to take a chance and seek help – or at least talk it out with a friend.
I have been following your blog faithfully for years though I do not post on it anymore. I thought I would break the silence and give you a thumbs up!
Cliff in NH
I’m trying to change some stuff, hopefully it will help with my tingly tips and random stress.
If it’s really all about stress I’m f’d, but I’ll serve as a test subject for the high stress(no change)/diet change only subject.
Starting … Tomorrow. (it was supposed to be yesterday … but, options expiry ya kno?)
dollared
Me, too, JC. Depression and anxiety. And I know I’m a lucky sumbitch in almost all respects, but it can still mess you up.
Here’s what I’ve learned: if you haven’t learned how to manage fear, anxiety and negative thoughts, you lack a key life skill. In time you’ll be very glad you learned how to ride this particular bicycle. You’ll never forget how.
Mac G
bravo John, thanks for sharing.
srv
You should write a book.
Honestly, I thought you were going to throw in the towel a couple of times years back and just walk away from the blog. Glad you did not, and found solace and not just stress from it.
People just don’t understand how anxious young and old are, and everyone is wearing a mask. Our parents just hit the sauce, so we could tell there was a problem. Now, everyone just toughs it out or double-downs on the meds.
I don’t think we’ll fix this flaw in society until every Jr. High has a class in “Give No Shit 101”
dollared
But wait – you have a boss? I thought that was the beauty of this whole deal, that you didn’t have one. What’s up wit dat?
Villago Delenda Est
John, let me tell you something.
Your sort of long rambling personal revelation/get this off my chest type posts are what blogging SHOULD be all about. Oh, we talk about politics and food and and pets and Tunch (who is not exactly a pet, more like a familiar) and gaming and music and stuff like that, but you frankly have a real talent for just talking about everyday things and giving them a great deal of meaning and feeling.
So keep it up, I enjoy reading this stuff, it’s good, and it’s real, and if the idiots in the Village don’t like that, well screw them with (insert your chainsaw preference here).
Not to say it’s any better or worse than your righteous rants, of course. Those are the meat and potatoes of the site, but lighter fare just as heartfelt is great, too.
greylocks
JC, there’s no law that says you have to confess all your secrets to the BJ rabble. Wanting to keep personal business, including medical conditions, to yourself is not cowardice.
Cowardice is failing to do, out of fear, what you’re supposed to do, not what you imagine people expect you to do.
Natz from AZ
As balloon juice is my favorite stop before I retire, your words and openness make me appreciate how much you put yourself out there. Thank you John Cole, I am glad you are feeling better…
Spaghetti Lee
I’d never call you a coward. But I’m glad you felt you could share this.
Politically Lost
Brother, I can relate. For the past year I felt like I was going insane. All motivation had left me and I would devolve into tears in flash and then fill that feeling with food, or TV or both, or anything that would get my mind off myself.
It got so bad that I finally had to do something about it. When the suicidal thoughts became real, I knew I had to do something about it.
Anyway, I found a good therapist, re-attached myself with AA (10 years sober at the end of this month), and began TELLING people in my life what was going on. It got much worse before it got better. About the first of this year, for some reason (whatever I was doing started working) things have started to get better.
Thanks for talking about it, John.
joel hanes
Good call on the Xanax.
Personally, there was a time when I’d been down so long
It looked like up to me.
Have you ever read that book ?
It might cheer you up.
Turgidson
On one hand, you’re under no obligation to tell us peons about these types of things, and certainly don’t need to be ashamed about anything. I know a bunch of awesome people who have had anxiety attacks at some point.
On the other, I can see where you’re coming from, as I have had a vaguely similar experience recently. I come from a long line of depressed men on my dad’s side of the family and for some time, despite exhibiting more than enough symptoms (and knowing it) to qualify as at least mildly depressed, I convinced myself that I was the one who was going to break the string and overcome my genetic disposition. I also couldn’t bear the thought of needing help sorting through my issues, or needing a pill to take the edge off the symptoms. I thought it made me weak and a quitter. But I was sliding and sliding, I knew it, my wife caught on, and it wasn’t sustainable.
Thankfully, with the help of my wife’s encouragement, I came to my senses recently, before I came near rock bottom, and am treating it and starting to improve. But it took months – maybe years – of unnecessary suffering/lethargy/shame to get there.
Really glad you’ve gotten a handle on it and aren’t suffering anymore. Really glad.
am
Anxiety attacks suck. Hope you learn how to cope with them quickly.
freelancer
Not that you give a bit of a shit about what I think, but this is the best thing I’ve ever read on this site, and before that, the best thing was a few nights or a few weeks ago when you trusted us to open up.
You’ve created a community that has seen members of it be there for others in need, and I’m glad you’ve opened up and felt comfortable with giving us the opportunity to be there for you, John. My last six months have seen rapid, radical change and I would have melted down if not for some close friends that I made very quickly in concert with a close friend who I confide in every day and then Balloon-Juice. It’s always there, full of the best group of strangers anyone ever assembled, ready to listen, to sympathize, to share, or simply to understand. You’ve made something special, and everyday, when I feel like I’m coming close to inching towards the brink of losing my composure or self-immolating in some sort of melodramatic “I quit!” tantrum, it’s people like you and those that you attract here that help reinforce what you said in the last thread, that there’s more good in the world than bad. And I can’t bear the thought of letting that fire die out on my watch.
Heart you, big guy.
Martin
Good on ya’ Cole. Yeah, I’m still too fat myself too, but dropping some weight wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It took a long time though, so patience really was the most important part of that.
I’ve been to therapists repeatedly in life. My parents divorced when I was in 5th grade. We were poor, life was hard, and my parents tried to hide it from me, but the stress of being poor was taking its toll. Some nights I’d lie awake in my room listening to them yell at each other from the other room, thinking I couldn’t hear them. My dad moved out, and a few weeks later my mom pulled me aside on Saturday after I came in from riding my bike and told me that 4 of my best friends had died. One of the moms was taking them to the beach (not very far) and stopped for gas, left the kids in the car while she ran in to pay. Some guy jumped into the car after having robbed a nearby store and took off. The police caught up to him and he floored it, lost control and crashed, and all 5 in the car died. My friends probably didn’t have seat belts on – it was 1980 or so. I was invited to go, but didn’t for whatever reason. Well, I just started falling apart at that point, and that was my first regular stint with a therapist – for a good year or so, I think. The therapist was cool.
Did another stint in college when I had a panic attack one semester during finals. Things are bad when the guys on the dorm are worried enough to call the chaplain to your room at 2AM. So, that was round two. Had a lot of friends who really helped me out after that, and that was just amazingly good.
Did another round right about the time I started commenting here – work, family, money, all of that. I think I should have started up again this last year, which has just been horrible. Still is horrible. Friends are basically all gone. I work constantly and when I’m not working, I’m somewhat desperately trying to fill the hours so that I don’t just work some more, because I’m months behind. Usually I come here. Sometimes I’ve just about convinced myself to go in, and then figure that it won’t help make the work go away, so why bother, so I do some more work instead and try to talk myself out of quitting. Wanting to quit after 16 years has to be a sign of something going wrong with the job.
So yeah, you’re in good company. Keep working on the weight – it does feel good to take a bit off. I’ve lost 30 since last summer. And it was good to see your mug.
Zam
My sister has some of those same problems. She’s on meds for it and I suppose I haves some mental health issues as well but I don’t really do anything about it since for me it isn’t anywhere near as bad as with my sister. It’s not really anything to be ashamed of a lot of people have these kinds of issues, just rarely do any of them think that it is something that can be dealt with so they don’t seek help and go through life feeling crappy. For me I find a couple pitchers of beer with and a long talk with a close friend work out to get me feeling better, it’s my own personal therapist in a way. If I had the money though I would likely go to a couple sessions with someone more experienced in the field.
Martin
@scott (the other one):
Same here. Funny you didn’t same the same about JSF. Funny I didn’t either.
slag
@Jager:
This is interesting. I sometimes tutor kids and, at a related workshop I attended recently, one of the speakers (a totally useless-to-society psychologist, of course) was talking about behavioral challenges and brought up an example of a kid who threw chairs when he got mad. In working with him, she discovered that running laps would also serve as an acceptable outlet for his anger so she got his teacher–after much struggle–to finally agree to let the kid run laps when he’s angry. In short, no more chair-throwing.
It’s strange to me how a solution so innocuous could also be so much trouble to implement. I really can’t see how the benefits of enforced conformity outweigh all the associated costs. Just let the kid run some laps, for cryin’ out loud! And you–you do all the pushups you need to do. Better than throwing chairs.
BethanyAnne
One of the reasons I’m really wanting to move back to SF is that I can see my therapist again. She’s fucking amazing, the first one I’ve found who can outwit my self defeating bullshit.
Frank Chow
John Cole, we fucking love ya man, that’s why we visit the site. And posts like these make you ever so much more human. It takes a brave person to share something so personal, thank you.
Continue to rock on, you’re stronger than you know.
Jewish Steel
Oh, no. No dude. I am gruesome in a totally different way. Think British. Now think teeth. Yeah, now you’re getting there.
I was a severe depressive as a teenager. Hospitalized for months. Ativan, Tofranil, Xanax. Panic attacks too. I basically didn’t attend school past 15.
In the end, dogs, music, and tons of exercise pulled me out of it.
Yutsano
@dollared:
The big floofy one. Duh. :)
kdaug
Speak for yourself, lardass.
freelancer
@Martin:
Martin, that’s amazing and I’m moved. I’m glad you’re getting towards a better place, because I’d sure miss reading your comments and your insight. IMHO, you are one of the smartest, funniest people I’ve ever read. Just thought you should know that.
Martin
@Cliff in NH:
The stock market fucks you up. I trade options as well, and it’s just stress from end to end. It started as a tiny little bit and that wasn’t bad, but that tiny bit has grown into real money, and even though it’s really just that tiny little bit grown large it still tears at me constantly. But I make more money doing that than my >40 a week job, so I really don’t know what to do to stop it.
John Cole
I did not mean to imply that most people perceived them as bad guys and snark artists. What I meant was that they are just really good people, as well as being funny as hell. There is more than just the snarky facade. I think the world of both of them.
Jewish Steel
Moderation?
Ah, too many mentions of prescription drugs. Duh.
Linda Featheringill
Depression, anxiety, all that stuff is really, really miserable. And then there’s the fact that life itself wears us all down.
All you folks who so generously shared your miseries: Take care of yourselves. And I’ll try to remember to take care of me.
Remember: None of us get out of here alive.
Cliff in NH
@efgoldman:
Getting a dog has perhaps saved my life.
http://mollymaesden.blogspot.com/
I need my Molly, she keeps me from getting out of line, with a simple head in the lap.
Good Girl Molly!
Mino
Just knowing what the hell was happening probably took a lot of the edge off the anxiety.
I just can’t imagine the state of many folks in this country right now. The misery coefficient for the west must be in the toilet, even for people in relatively secure situations. Anxiety is off the charts.
It sure as hell is showing up in our politics.
I’m glad to hear Lily’s dad is in a better place.
Politically Lost
I just wanted to add, that I waited until I was so desperate that I would literally do anything to not feel what I was feeling. If somebody had said, “Paint your naked torso purple and go play racketball in public and you’ll feel better,” I would have done so immediately. But, I waited to do anything about it until I was desperate.
And, I think this gets to one of John’s points. There’s so much shame attached to mental illness that most people’s reaction to ill feeling is to hide it until it gets so bad that you don’t care who finds out anymore, you just want it to stop. But, that long, long hallway until that moment when you’re ready to do something is horrendous.
The stigma needs to end.
Nicole
Thanks for being so open. And it’s oddly reassuring to be reminded that anxiety is no stranger to people I like and respect so much. Makes it much less scary when it shows up for a visit.
GG
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but glad the outcome has been positive. I went through a period of that kind of bad shit when I was in my 20’s; luckily I read something that let me realize I wasn’t dying, I was having anxiety attacks. (That was well before the Intertubes, so it took a while.)
Then tonight, just before I came over here, I saw this:
I’m speechless. At least the Brits don’t seem to be buying into that nonsense. Yet.
kdaug
@efgoldman: Get the dog.
Cliff in NH
@Martin:
well, what can I say, I’ve given up on stocks (other than options * twitch * twitch *) it’s all stress (futures) all the time!!(futures * twitch *)
— Sigh —
Cliff in NH
ahh, worked.
slag
@Martin: That’s a bummer. Reminds me a bit of that cocaine commercial from the ’80s: “I do cocaine so I can work more so I can do cocaine so I can work more so I can do cocaine…” Not a good place to be. Are you hoarding all the responsibility? If so, all I can offer is advice that probably definitely did not come from the 80s: Sharing is caring.
Jewish Steel
Also, John, you should know that a few years back you wrote a post about rescuing animals that upset me so much that I went out and adopted Spencer
I found your Dad post similarly affecting but I’m not sure how to proceed. Do I go out and rescue an stray, unwanted dad now? Or what?
different-church-lady
There is zero reason to think of yourself as a coward. Your life is your life, and it is up to you alone to decide how much of it you wish to share with the world, and which bits of the world you wish to share it with.
Those who punch through their private fears and anxieties to share experiences that are valuable to the external world should be lauded. But lack of such courage should not be categorized as cowardice.
Jager
@slag: My therapist had suggested pushups or other exhausting exercise when I started to feel bottled up inside, I had never done it at work, the day I did it in the conference room it was push ups or I would have punched out one of the other assholes in the meeting. (Last Sunday during the Superbowl I did push ups during the 4th 1/4!) Funny during that period I was really good at my job, my personal life was in the shitter, I was almost like two different people. It was a bizzarre year in my life, sometime I’ll have to tell you about going to a titty bar on Christmas Eve or about the Palm Beach socialite who pissed her pants on my sofa on the eve of Christmas Eve. There is at least a short story about that year in my life!
BethanyAnne
@Politically Lost: Yeah, getting around the shame is the worst. I’ve finally gotten over thinking that I can will myself out of depression. Now if I can sort out being trans even vaguely, I’ll be, um, sorta not so insane, I guess…
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
I still think you should check out the depression angle as it regards your recent sleep problems, John. The meds I’ve been taking aren’t exactly addicting, and I don’t get anything like a high off of them. They help me to keep from focusing on negative stuff, and I tend to sleep better when on them than when off. The downside is that, though I sleep, I don’t dream too often…And, until my body got used to them, they were like anti-Seealice.
But they beat the hell out of drinking myself into a deep sleep, which I used to do.
BethanyAnne
@Jewish Steel: LOLOL
Cliff in NH
@Martin:
BTW, Molly has saved me lots of cash by simply laying her head in my lap when I am extremely emotional(aka don’t trade when stressed/angry)
Good girl Molly!
Martin
@freelancer: Thanks for saying that. If I’m honest I’m not getting to a better place – I really have nothing to look forward to. I’ve really lost faith in the public sector – at least my little corner of it. That’s really hard for me to say, because it runs so counter to how I generally feel about things, but the budgets have been slashed so deep, and each layer of the administration has failed to adequately prioritize how to deal with the cuts because they simply lack the bandwidth to understand all of the issues. So they make decisions that are, frankly stupid, and then make everyone below them work 2x harder to both do their job and get them to recognize that they did something stupid. So I’m turning into a real asshole at work. I’m not the kind to throw in the towel, do my 40 and say fuck it to everything that doesn’t get done – and I won’t let my staff get away with that either, but I might finally be at that point – I just don’t see any way to avoid failing the population I serve. I’m taking that pretty personally and I’m taking this austerity/anti-government bullshit personally as well. And I know that in spite of all of that, I still have it good compared to most others in the public and private sector, and because of that I feel like a dick for feeling this way.
But I like coming here and hanging out. It makes it easier.
David Koch
Funny, when ever I see Scarlett Johansson, various parts of my anatomy tingle.
BethanyAnne
and I guess I’m just in stalker mode tonight, John. Here’s the thread with the tagline suggestions if you want to do anything with them. Up to you totally, but there were funny ones – read it just for that if you wanna :)
https://balloon-juice.com/2012/01/28/alinsky-radicals-spotted/
kdaug
@Jewish Steel: Shane MacGowan?
John Cole
@BethanyAnne: Is there any chance you will just email me the taglines you like, rather than making me read that thread? PURTY PLS?
Politically Lost
@John Cole:
The only one that counted:
“Not intended to be a factual blog”
Martin
@Cliff in NH: Mostly just calls and some straddles for me. Less than I used to do, but it’s going to put my kids through college, so I can’t really give it up.
wasabi gasp
Don’t freak him out, BethanyAnne!
slag
@John Cole: I still vote for “abortion by the wholesale” or some variant of it.
Mnemosyne
Jeez, I’ve got a frickin’ team of mental health professionals working on me — once my original therapist and I worked through my depression issues (only took 7 years and lots of Wellbutrin), it turned out that ADHD was hanging out underneath, so now I get to learn how to do basic organizing things at the age of 42 that everyone else figured out around age 10. At least now I understand why caffeine has never kept me awake.
I’m just glad that the Giant Evil Corporation has good mental health coverage for the psychiatrist and medication side and that I can afford to pay the ADHD therapist out of pocket (she doesn’t take insurance) or else I’d probably be wandering from temp job to temp job. Again.
JR
Been there, big fella.
About three years ago my mother went to the doctor because she had a terrible backache. I was just about to take my final exams for my first year of law school, which most lawyers will tell you rates among the most stressful times of any of our lives. I was leaving class when I got a call from my dad. The backache was caused by a tumor that had eaten through most of her spine, and was almost certainly a metastasis thrown from lung cancer.
Funny thing about lung cancer: it’s a disease that you spend years preparing for the diagnosis, and when it comes, it still knocks you flat. My mom smoked 1-2 packs a day for over thirty years, and we had always expected lung cancer would take her. She had adopted a fatalistic attitude about it long before, which promptly faded as soon as the diagnosis sank in. She fought it for over a year, and then spent another few months waiting for it to rot her away, and she was scared the whole time.
Anyhow, the news on top of the pressure of exams got to me. I began to notice a tremor in my hands, and an occasional shortness of breath. One day I found myself in a cold sweat, overcome by total body muscle spasms, thinking my heart was running at 100 beats per minute. I had the presence to check my pulse, which was barely elevated, and I was able to convince myself that I was simply having a panic attack.
“Simply having a panic attack” is an odd thing to type. There wasn’t anything simple about it. It was incredibly disturbing, and it took me out of commission for anywhere from 2-4 hours (I usually just tried to sleep through them, but everything from the feeling of the sheets on my skin to the rhythm of my breathing would seem alien and frightening). I finally went to my doctor, who offered me a Xanax prescription. By that point, I think most of my family was on Xanax, and it was what was keeping them functional. So I got on it, moderating my dosage and every few weeks trying to wean myself off of it.
Getting off the stuff was almost as bad as what got me on it. It’s not that it was something that I needed psychologically once my mother died, it’s that I had strange physiological effects when not on it. Withdrawal from Xanax seemed to cause the most severe attacks. It took me months to finally get off of it.
But while the effects were unpleasant, at the time I found the pills very helpful. My mother’s last month was oddly similar to those of the mother in “The Descendents,” spent in a hospital in Paradise (instead of Hawaii, she was in Key West), taking weeks to finally let go. If only she had been comatose–her last moments of consciousness were terrified delirium, and her last three weeks of lucidity were awful for her.
I still have nightmares about it sometimes, and my wife and I both deal with bouts of melancholy from it. But it got better. And getting off the pharmaceuticals helped me recover as much as getting on them helped me cope. I graduated law school, passed the bar, got back into community theater, and moved on as best I could.
(Mom would be turning 60 today.)
/oversharing
BethanyAnne
@John Cole: Absolutely :)
kdaug
@Cliff in NH: Cliff, that pic with Molly watching the snow fox? The one that’s fixing to pounce on the field mouse in the snow? That fox?
Got a German Shepherd who does the same thing.
Twice. On me.
While I’m sleeping at 3am.
Cracked a rib.
slag
@Martin:
I feel like this phenomenon is becoming the norm for everyone I know–in both private and public sectors. A good reminder that the harm this recession is doing to us isn’t limited to unemployment claims or wage disparities. It’s a big deal. I wish we’d treat it as such.
andrewsomething
Don’t have time to read all the comments, so I’m sure this has been said many times over. You might just think we’re all just snark artists, but so much of why we come here is the heart and soul you put into this place. I mean, it’s obviously not because of the astute political commentary.
Andrew +10?
Edit to add: I’m sure more than a few of us know what it’s like, btw. You’re not alone…
handsmile
@Martin: (#30)
It took no small amount of courage and trust to post that comment yourself. What a ghastly experience you endured as a child, and perhaps are enduring still. Saddened to learn of your current struggles as well.
I would like you to know that in the months that I’ve been reading your comments on this site, yours are among the ones I most enjoy. You are obviously well-read and capable of expressing your knowledge and opinions with skill, wit and insight. I look forward to continuing to benefit from your contributions here.
ETA: And it appears with freelancer’s remark (#39), you have a bit of a fan club.
David Koch
When I have anxiety attacks, I always hire a call girl from Craig’s List.
Cliff in NH
@Martin:
as long as it’s working, and as long as it’s not to a level you have to stress over it. When you have to stress over a position you are in too deep. (assuming a stable job, not working as a trader)
Get a dog too, they are good for lafs too and lafs keep you alive.
Chuck Butcher
I’m glad you’re doing better and in your case doing it without drugs. They can be what is called for, but some of us have risk factors that outweigh the benefits. Aspirin is about as strong a drug as I should risk. (well strong coffee and Camel Straights)((the coffee thing keeps me away from something like ritalin))
Sharing something like this isn’t about cowardice, it does involve trust and self confidence at a pretty high level. Not something very damn common with depression.
I started AA using my full name and I’ve never made any secret of my issue, pointless considering how high amp an asshole I was using even though I’ve never used the 23+ years I’ve been here. But I was publicly an ass and can’t see any reason not to be publicly in recovery though it is pretty far down my conversational gambits.
There are some pretty good people around here, I’m glad you felt able to trust and share. Others may benefit from your experiences.
thanks
Linda Featheringill
Yes.
slag
@Martin: Also, what handsmile said. I almost responded to one of your recent comments about how much you know and how much I learn from your comments. But I didn’t because I was a lazy ass. Sorry about that!
But just remember that you know a lot and teach some of us a lot. Even though we don’t always say it.
trollhattan
@ John Cole
If confession is good for the soul, yours is ready for a massage and a cigarette.
I’m glad you’ve wrestled and pinned some genuine demons and, selfishly, I am glad to continue having this joint for us to come in and wreck on a regular basis.
To you, your dad, your family and your fellow bloggers I can only say, mazel tov.
BobbyMac
John: I don’t like commenting, so here it is: I think you are one of the most talented writers who partake in this format; don’t let ANYTHING stop you from doing exactly what you are doing. you help encourage people with similar afflictions (like myself) to face them. for real, dude. this post was awesome. thank you
pseudonymous in nc
My partner is a mental health professional. It’s still the stigmatised branch of healthcare — the one where there’s a desperate need for public health provision, because the state has a moral and pragmatic duty of care to severely mentally ill and those around them, but where you won’t find shiny new facilities or stock-photo doctors on billboards.
Depression and anxiety are a degree below that, but they’re still fucking hard, because the feedback loops that they create are designed to keep you from seeking help. (“Cheer up” is the wrong answer.) Sometimes it takes outside intervention; sometimes it takes a trigger from an unbidden source, whether it’s a passage in a book or a snatch of a song on the radio, sometimes it means summoning a week’s worth of strength to say “I can’t keep living like this.”
Martin
@slag: Hoarding? Well, maybe a bit. But we’ve cut about ⅓ of the staff in the last few years and we’re growing pretty fast. Responsibility has gotten pretty concentrated as a result, and we’ve had a fair bit of turnover even on top of that staff loss, so the folks that have been around a while have to soak up even more as the new folks come up to speed. I’ve been around longer than almost everyone, so I know everything.
The biggest problem we have now is that we’re so understaffed, that nearly 100% of our available time is just communicating with the population we serve without actually having the time to get anything done. Because we’re public, we can’t tell people to go away like a private business can. Imagine a toll booth on a huge highway where the budget was cut to the point that only one toll booth worker could be hired and they couldn’t take money from the cars as fast as cars were piling up. But if you stop taking the money and just let the cars through, the budget gets even worse. And if you want to hire another worker, you have to stop what you’re doing long enough to write proposals and go to meetings and argue your case – meanwhile nobody gets through. That’s where we are. It’s a vicious cycle.
Cliff in NH
@kdaug:
Ouch, Molly thankfully only has the (huge) paws of her half German shepherd father, and not the mass.
She also saves me money by letting me let the fire go out every night, since she keeps me warm till the morning by laying all over the top of me when she can.
opie jeanne
John, I’ve admired you for years. Your essay, “A Word to the Republican Party: Go Fuck Yourself” in November of 2007 was the greatest thing I had read in years, and it inspired me to finally admit that I was no longer a Republican even though I’d been voting almost exclusively for Democrats since the late 70s.
I had many of the same symptoms you describe, I found a therapist who attributed most of my stuff to guilt, and I got better. I did take meds for about six months, long enough to regain control, and then I weaned myself off of them. Like a really bad BAD case of food poisoning and bed-spins for three days.
I’m so glad you have Lilly, I’m so glad you got better, and I’m so grateful to you for creating this wonderful place were you rant about all the bad stuff out there, and we can vent.
I just want to say “Thank you, John Cole.”
Linda Featheringill
@JR:
Yes.
I was unhooking from a medication once and could manage to sleep only about 45 minutes at a time. A stray cat came to our door at about the same time. I noticed that she stayed with me at night, perched close to my head. I learned to reach for her when I woke up for the umpteenth time in the middle of the night, and she was always there. She would start purring and continue until I fell to sleep again. By the time I had unhooked from the drug, Goobie had earned a place in my heart. She lived with me about 15 years.
Martin
@slag: Yeah, everyone I talk to, people that were cruising along fine in their jobs are saying the same thing. Lots of people at companies that are growing in terms of work really fast, too. It seems like everyone’s productivity level is turned up to 11, and nobody is recognizing that it means that a fuckton of hiring is necessary, even at the profitable privates.
@slag: Thanks. That’s very nice of you to say.
GregB
Better looking but pudgier here.
Thanks for the space to laugh, rage and comment.
Rawk Chawk
Psychotherapy, counseling, and antidepressant medications save and improve many millions of lives every year. Think how many more could be saved if there wasn’t such a stigma in this country.
Thanks for doing a bit to lessen the stigma, John.
darms
John,
Hey youngster, at 55 I have very little feeling in my feet & parts of my hands due to poor circulation & CTS but I’m not diabetic (been tested) so I’m a bit jealous that you still have ‘tingling’. That said, I do still have anxiety attacks but can usually get over them via breathing & meditation. Also apathy can be a real empowerment here. i.e., do I REALLY care? And if so, why? In most cases (the missus doesn’t understand) it comes down to 1) being true to myself & 2) not caring what others think. When push comes to shove these days I really don’t give a shit what others think, as long as I am true to myself. While we don’t have a Tunch, our alpha male “Mr. Fearless” & alpha female “Dottie” provide much amusement. Despite their being ‘cute’ if we were dead they would eat our corpses…
Thanx for sharing.
Sarah Proud and Tall
Ah, Cole, you are a wonderful creature.
donna r
First time posting here but long time lurker. I suffered with panic attacks for a long time. It got so bad at one point I couldn’t stay by myself and I had a small child to look after. We would get up every day and go to my MILs while my husband was at work. It was hell being that dependent on everyone even though they were great. I finally got a job and got into a new routine and they finally went away. But taking that step to get the job was hell. I was scared to death. The doctors never figured out what brought them on. They just happened. Best wishes to you and glad you are doing good now.
Mnemosyne
@Martin:
I keep telling G that the company he works for is trying to run a 24/7 business with an 8-to-5 staff, and he says that I’m right. The VPs complain about too much overtime, but expect his guys to be making deliveries to patients at 9 o’clock at night after working all day.
We keep saying he needs to find a new job but, frankly, I think we’re both a little afraid it’s not going to be any better somewhere else.
Martin
@handsmile: That was a rough stretch to get through as a kid – like everything it’s up and down. The one thing I am pretty optimistic about is the upcoming election. I’ve got a good feeling about this and about the overall direction of things in general (local circumstances notwithstanding).
People have been encouraging me to start a blog. One of my colleagues thinks I should be writing more. Trying to muster the drive to do that.
Citizen_X
slag
@Martin:
Totally vicious.
If I were you (easy for me to say), I would take a moment right now to write down the top three or four things that matter most to me in the world. I would write them on something I kept with me a lot. Maybe even put it in my wallet. And when I started to feel myself getting sucked into the vicious cycle, I would take out that list and look at it for a moment. Even if I did nothing else to try and break the cycle, I’d do that. Because it’s a very simple thing to do, and it might help a little.
Citizen_X
@Citizen_X: That “Hooray!” paragraph was supposed to be part of my comment, not the blockquote. FYWP, yadda yadda.
Martin
@Cliff in NH: Yeah, it’s a very stable job. I’m probably the last guy that they’d lay off because shit would seriously fall apart if I ever left. The trading is just on the side, usually just before I go to work since the markets open so early here on the west coast. But when you watch a month salary come and go in the market in 5 minutes (even if you only put a day’s salary on the line) it’ll get the heart racing. It’s worked very well for me – I have no reason to be stressed over it – but like I mentioned, I grew up poor and these things are all true. Even though I’m not poor now, I can’t not react like a poor guy watching money come and go like that, even when its more coming than going.
Oh, and I do have a dog. A corgi. And he’s awesome.
bend
Forgive me this post.
I was diagnosed as a manic-depressive (bipolar II, if you want to be inelegant about it) when I was about 16. Though I had been in therapy since the age of four- I was born with a rather hideously malformed left eye which my wonderful parents rightly predicted would cause me to have a turbulent youth- I was shocked to find out that I was actually ‘certifiable.’
I went to my father, sobbing, and cried, “I’m crazy. I’m irrational. I’m not a real person. I have no credibility. I’m loony.” And he said to me, “there is nothing wrong with you. There is a faucet in your brain that drips. It isn’t you, it’s the plumber. The only way to fix it is to get allow yourself to be treated.” And I did and it was a slog, but it was what it was. A couple of years later my therapist retired and I decided I didn’t want to deal with finding a new one so i went off all the meds and blah blah.
I knew a girl who I fell in love with and when she began to fall in love with me I warned her, “I’m a little nuts. Sometime’s I’m irrational.” And she told me that she understood: “everyone is irrational sometimes!” Of course, she didn’t understand and before long our relationship was over, our friendship was over. Not that I had ever been aggressive or angry, but I did act ‘odd’, irrational. I remember the moment when I realized I blamed her for that. I felt like she had made a promise to accept my mania. And I felt ridiculous. That was the moment I went back into therapy.
Why is he telling us this, is a question I forgive you for asking. It’s because yesterday a friend of mine died of a drug overdose. I’m still in shock, really. All I can think is: drug addiction, manic-depression, anxiety disorders, etc.. they are different varieties of the same illness. And it’s a tragedy. But it doesn’t have to be hopeless.
My father was right; the girl I scared off was right, too. Everyone is irrational sometimes. All of our faucets leak- admittedly some more than others. All I hope is that every day the stigma lessens, until maybe, hopefully, everyone can seek out help and try and plumb the leak.
Thank you for your post, John. And thanks all for the indulgence.
P.S. Some of us are actually very attractive.
handsmile
@Martin: (#99)
YOU HAVE A CORGI!! You effing lucky bastid! Mrs. handsmile and I are deliriously in love with the breed. Christ, there’s a corgi calendar on the wall above my computer. We go to the Westminster Kennel Club show just to be around them!
Because grievously where we live in New York City makes it impossible for us to have such a spirited creature to brighten our lives. We are actively seeking to move to Portland, Maine in the (hopefully) not-too-distant future, and knowing that such relocation will reward us with a corgi is no small incentive.
You have a corgi. Sheesh. That casts a whole new light on my sympathy for your so-called problems. :) :)
Martin, I have appreciated learning more about your life tonight. This can be a trustful place. All best wishes to you!
LongHairedWeirdo
Here’s the crazy thing about a lot of problems people face.
Our brains work on *patterns*. It’s normal, and good, that we work in patterns. But that also means that sometimes counterproductive patterns take over. Like, you start to feel a little anxious, and you think “oh shit,” and then you’re in a full anxiety attack, because the pattern took over.
Sometimes you can learn to break the pattern – not necessarily the physical feelings, but the pattern your brain falls into. You might still be shaky from adrenaline, but your brain can be (semi)calmly saying “okay, I know what’s going down, and I know it’ll pass.”
Same kind of thing can happen with depression and a whole host of other shit.
And John Cole, you’re right – it’s got nothing to do with weakness. Again, falling into patterns is how we work. Learning new patterns is *hard*. And it’s even harder when what you’re trying to change is the innermost workings of your brain, well enough to understand that *it* is falling into a pattern, and to be able to change it – or at least handle it until you’re back to something healthier/happier.
Karen
Thank you so much for sharing your experience John. It couldn’t have come at a better time. As everyone probably knows by now, I have RA and have had it since 2004. I used to have a husband I lived with, now I have a husband in title only and I’m basically trying to take care of myself and my cat and I’m barely functioning, only doing my job remotely and sleeping. I know what it’s like to deal with anxiety and depression, hell, I’m barely dealing with it now. I know what it’s like to basically be on autopilot and wanting to shut myself off. I’m looking for “help” right now and since I tend to isolate when I’m crashing from a manic high I felt like I was the most pathetic thing on the planet. But again, thank you for showing your heart. You gave me a little bit of hope.
Consider it your mitzvah of the night!
Martin
@handsmile: Well, you might appreciate that you’ve probably seen his siblings at Westminster, then. His cousin won best of breed there, and his grandfather did as well. We were originally after a rescue, but the rescue we contacted didn’t have any, but they had just bred a dog to show and had a sibling available to adopt, and would we be interested. Well, uh, sure!
He’s a cardigan welsh and quite large for a corgi – tall and long. He’s a fantastic dog. Very loyal, and we put a lot of work into training him, so he comes when he’s called and stays out of mischief. No running out the front door, that kind of thing. I always had labs growing up, so I was a bit uncertain about a corgi, but I highly recommend them. The hardest thing is that they’re so, so, so food focused. They’ll eat constantly and eat anything. That makes them easy to train and get them to do things like baths, but they can be compulsive about trying to get food. Other than that, he’s an incredibly easy dog to own.
Should you find your way to Portland and on the lookout for a corgi, give me a holler and we’ll ask the breeder where our guy came from for contacts around the area.
Cacti
Cole, I feel ya brother.
I started having full-on panic attacks during my third year of law school and was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder.
I’ve used Xanax for panic symptoms, but don’t care for it as it puts you in a fog.
You might consider Propranolol. It doesn’t put you in a fog, and it’s non-addictive. It also works pretty effing great. I used to pop one before all my court appearances.
GG
Well, bugger. There was supposed to be an actual LINK in my post above after the : I’ll try again. I hope I just did something stoopid, and BJ software isn’t unhappy with my ancient machine.
http://uk.health.lifestyle.yahoo.net/Shy-people-caould-be-labelled-mentally-ill.htm
In case it didn’t work again, the link is to a piece from the UK about how their psychologists and shrinks are opposing the US ppl involved adding new definitions of “mentally ill” to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It seems that “shyness” is set to become a mental disorder along with other similar behaviors which the Brits call “normal human behavior.”
Arclite
It’s funny. Every time I look at Lily, she looks exactly the way you describe her. Dogs, Lily especially, just let it all hang out. She wears her heart on her sleeve, or coat, or whatever, and when you see a picture of her, it’s just so obvious to me that’s the kind of dog she is.
You’re so lucky to have her. I wish I could have a dog like her, but my situation won’t allow it. I do have two great kids, tho, so can’t complain too much.
As for freakin’ out or whatever, I get it. When I found out I had cancer, suddenly everything was hazy. There didn’t seem any reason to try. I couldn’t see the future, or even imagine one. It was freakin’ scary. I just figured I was dead in a year. I remember when I first heard: my whole body tingled all over I was so scared.
Luckily, I got it treated, cut out, radiation, and now I’m disease free. Gotta take meds every day, but it’s a small price to pay for my life. I’m thankful for our medical technology (even though I got the cancer from technology: I grew up in a town with a nuke plant which got shut down for leaks).
Gustopher
Anxiety and panic attacks? Me too. Seemed like a reasonable response to my father’s pulmonary embolism (he survived), my own superficial blood clot, and my brother’s death from a heart attack, all in rapid succession. The panic attacks are scary shit — and they can mask all sorts of other emergencies, if you want something else to be anxious about.
I’ve been pretty open about it with folks. Friends, family, folks at work, friends of friends, etc. The usual response is “I had that” or “is that what that is?”. Of all the mental illnesses, I think it’s the one with the least stigma.
I’m on drugs to control it — low dose of antidepressant that seems to keep everything in check (is there depression in there too? maybe), but I still sometimes have the panic attacks. I often IM or text a friend asking him to make sure I’m alive the next day, or feed the cats.
I figure someday, I’ll mistake a pulmonary embolism or a heart attack for a panic attack, die, and the cats would have no choice but to eat me, and then no one will want to adopt cats that have tasted human flesh.
Gustopher
Anxiety and panic attacks? Me too. Seemed like a reasonable response to my father’s pulmonary embolism (he survived), my own superficial blood clot, and my brother’s death from a heart attack, all in rapid succession. The panic attacks are scary shit — and they can mask all sorts of other emergencies, if you want something else to be anxious about.
I’ve been pretty open about it with folks. Friends, family, folks at work, friends of friends, etc. The usual response is “I had that” or “is that what that is?”. Of all the mental illnesses, I think it’s the one with the least stigma.
I’m on drugs to control it — low dose of antidepressant that seems to keep everything in check (is there depression in there too? maybe), but I still sometimes have the panic attacks. I often IM or text a friend asking him to make sure I’m alive the next day, or feed the cats.
I figure someday, I’ll mistake a pulmonary embolism or a heart attack for a panic attack, die, and the cats would have no choice but to eat me, and then no one will want to adopt cats that have tasted human flesh.
russell
hey cole, well done.
fwiw, i lived with panic disorder, ranging from inconvenient to “i can’t leave the house” for a couple of decades. turns out it runs in my family, i didn’t know.
talk therapy helped, especially of the cognitive behavioral type. my sister began having similar issues in her 50’s, she had good results with zoloft, i tried it, and am now a 50mg per day zoloft lifer.
i have no problem with that, nor do i have any problem with your choice of no meds.
yes, it is a straight up mental illness. and yes, there should be no stigma or issue about it. everybody has some collection of issues.
glad you got some help. sorry about your sister, i’m sure that sucks for everyone including her. thanks for this post, i am sure somebody somewhere will read it and be encouraged to get some help for themselves.
and thanks for hanging in with the blog, it’s a great place you got going here.
well done.
jeff
John. Would you like to go fishing sometime? Let me know if you are ever planning on being in Pensacola. I actually live in Manhattan, but I would fly down and set you up if you like fishing. I’m from there, and I catch tons of fish when the fish are feeling like getting caught.
Take care, man.
Whatsleft
John Cole: 1) Immense number of kudos to you for having the courage to insist that there was a problem and it needed to be dealt with; 2) kudos again for going to a therapist and getting yourself on the road to recovery; 3) frowny faces for poor-mouthing and self-flagellating over not sharing this info earlier – you shared when you were ready, and that’s what’s important for your health. If you were never ready, that’s your right as well. Put down the whip and pick up the pet!!
You have done and are doing an amazing service with this blog. You continued your service even under very adverse personal conditions. You deserve all the public accolades, appreciation, and yes, love, that you are receiving.
That is all.
WereBear
Ah, geeze, I take my antibiotics and crash early and miss the Very Special Episode! :)
But I’ll say what I would have said anyway: Bless you, John Cole. You are a good and kind man.
In hindsight, it always seems very easy to have done the things that would make us Perfect People, but that is not an ability granted to us. A true coward would have never told us, or anyone, and stewed in a gradually deepening pool of misery. You dodged that bullet!
And PS:
You are a good man who deserves to be gazed upon with love. I’m with Lily.
Rita R.
Yep, I also went through the panic attacks and the anxiety, still wrestle with anxiety sometimes, in fact. But as you said, once you know you’re not dying or losing your mind, that alone goes a long way towards it getting better.
No need for self-flagellation, you’re actually pretty brave to share it at all this way, now or then. In fact, you’ve been pretty brave on this blog a lot lately. Makes it an even more worthwhile place to hang out than the great community it already was. With apologies to Charlie Brown, you’re a good man John Cole.
Odie Hugh Manatee
Fat don’t mean shit when it comes to health problems John, it’s just one problem of many. Panic is something we all have to deal with and some of us can do it alone or with help from friends while some others need to get professional help. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as you are doing something about it! Shit, I’ve had nineteen surgeries on my upper body and I’ve got more health problems than you can shake a stick at so I can relate to having to deal with a lot of shit and feeling like things just aren’t going right.
You might enjoy being a cranky guy who is getting old with his pets but I think you need to ummm… ‘branch out’. ;)
I couldn’t have made it through the crap I have had to if it wasn’t for my wife, full stop. Having someone to care for you when the shit hits the fan makes a huge difference in making it through it. Family is one thing but a significant other is a whole other matter.
What you do is your biz but I have a feeling that with you opening up as you are you just might have the chance to find someone who sees life as you do, someone to share your life with. You’re a good man John, and there are a lot of people out there who would love to be with someone like you. Don’t worry about what people think about you, just be who you are and let the chips fall where they may. You have so far and look at the crowd that’s gathered around you.
Enough from me, advice off. ;)
Mystical Chick
John,
I echo all the supportive comments here – thank you for opening up about your life and what’s been going on. Your community here reacted exactly as I would imagine – with love, support and some snark. :)
Glad you got things going in the right direction.
jugular
You’re a beast, man… way to get through all of that and report back from the other side. Keep doing what you’re doing.
low-tech cyclist
Depression, anxiety attacks, OCD, and so forth – these are all diseases just like any other. It’s just that the part of your body they’re messing with is your brain chemistry.
I’ve never had any of these things, but my little sister has been fighting depression for years, and my wife has OCD and depression. So I’ve seen this stuff at close range.
If you can fend off stuff like this without drugs, more power to you. But there’s no shame – or damned well shouldn’t be, anyway – in using the appropriate drugs to manage one’s depression, anxiety, or whatever, any more than there’s any shame in my popping Hytrin daily to keep my enlarged prostate in check.
For those like John who are wary of drugs due to a family or personal history of drug abuse, let me just say that Prozac and its SSRI cousins aren’t like that. The stuff builds up in your system over days and weeks until it reaches full effectiveness, and if you stop taking it, it’ll take days and weeks for the positive effects to wear off. It’s not like you can pop a pill right now and feel sunny and cheerful in half an hour, or even anytime later today.
So there’s really no way to get into a cycle of abuse with these drugs. And there’s no particular virtue in trying to wean yourself off of them if you do in fact need them. They’re doing something constructive for your brain chemistry that a healthy person’s brain does anyway, but for some reason yours apparently doesn’t. Just the way that when I was younger, my body kept my prostate its proper size by itself, but now it doesn’t, so I take my Hytrin.
It’s not about virtue or vice, strength or dependence. It’s just about fixing a health problem. So if you’ve got an affliction of this sort, see your doctor, just like you would for any other health problem.
JPL
John, You are a good man. I have no idea how long I have been reading your site but I arrived here because you were a sane voice for conservatives and I stayed for the moping episode. Your posts have brought laughter and tears and I thank you for that. Several of us commented after you posted your picture, that we thought you were kinda cute. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
0zexpat
Wow. I am such a lurker but this one was too much. Your ability to touch all of us is incredible. You are human and so are we…that is why we come here. Thanks, John.
Rihilism
John,
There is nothing even vaguely related to cowardness in keeping this information private for so long. It’s simply part of the healing process, of coming to terms with your illness in a manner that feels safe to you and can therefore be more productive. You actively chose to seek help from friends, family, and medical professionals. That is the most important thing you can do and is also an extremely difficult thing to do, as anyone with a mental illness can testify to. In the grand scheme of things, taking whatever steps you find necessary to heal is all that matters, and the reactions of others to your decision to come forward with this information is inconsequential. There is no right way or wrong way, just the healthy way, which is whatever path you must take to lead yourself towards healing.
Some will suggest, rightly so, that coming forward is a brave thing to do. Myself, I could care less whether you are brave or not. What keeps me coming back to your blog is that it is clear that you genuinely care for the well-being of others, friends, family, and perfect strangers. Regardless of whether you chose to keep this information to yourself or share it, you have repeatedly demonstrated a desire to help others and, in my opinion, that is the most admirable trait a human can possess…
arguingwithsignposts
Thanks for sharing, John. I know you are a caring individual, as are many on this blog.
barbara
John, I’m mostly a lurker, but I come here every day more than anything because I enjoy the sense that this is a community and because I like you. I’ve really loved reading your recent posts about your dad and your own feelings — in a strange way I almost feel as if I already knew who you were long before you started to reveal these things. It’s all there in the posts about Lily and Tunch and Rosie, in the things that make you mad, and the things that make you generous, in the posts about food and the t.v. programs you watch and the music you like. And so I want to thank you for revealing even more of yourself. Life is difficult for almost everyone except the unconscious, but I think one of the ways we can make it less difficult for each other is by telling our stories as you’ve just done.
Sad Iron
@low-tech cyclist: I’d like to echo this point (and a well said one)–Xanex is a whole different deal, but drugs like Lexapro, etc, really can help and don’t need to be taken permanently. Sometimes a doctor will prescripe one cycle to help you “reset” and just get your brain out of its current loop. These medications can, in many instances, really save people’s ability to live and function.
bob h
After my gall bladder was removed I had these unexplained dizzy spells that triggered panic attacks (I think the brain is hardwired to panic when it senses you might fall and smash your head). It was the most frightening thing I have ever been through. Cured with a little Xanax. But I know what you went through.
Hillary Rettig
Wow, John – along with yourself, it looks like you’re liberating a whole bunch of other people.
I’ve had tons of therapy, and done tons of work on myself. Love the life I’ve finally built (in my fifties) and achieved my lifelong dream of writing books; still struggle with weight issues and money issues and wish I were part of a couple. I always like the quote attributed to Philo of Alexandria, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”
And to those who are drinking to fall asleep – please don’t. I almost lost a cherished friend who started drinking for that reason. He came to the point of needing a liver transplant but fortunately didn’t, but was hospitalized for six months and his life is very changed. Anyone who wants “scared straight” details pls. email me.
Virginia Highlander
John Cole, thanks for posting this. I have struggled with anxiety and chronic depression most of my life. There are far more of us than you realize.
Lojasmo
Glad you could share this. You are very lucky your panic attacks were so easily fixed. Panic disorder can be debilitating.
You’re a good dude, john.
harlana
Panic attacks?? Good God, man I could have told you that! If I knew you were going through that, I would have told you that would be the first thing to investigate! A shame you had to suffer so long.
I would have suggested that, but since I have been receiving psychiatric treatment for years, nobody listens to me But every now and then, I commit the horrific crime of discussing my bi-polarity, which makes people uncomfortable and genuinely unhappy and they immediately discard everything I say, ESPECIALLY when it comes to mental health issues. Again, it is ironic, but it is what it is.
Just ask my brother, who has been steeped in depression and a hermit lifestyle,for years and years and won’t get any help. He won’t listen to my well-meaning suggestions and has cursed me out on more than one occasion.
Good on you for finally getting the help, again, I’m just sorry you had to suffer so long.
noodler
John,
You can post anything here at any time of day or night and generate comments globally, that is quite a feather in your cap. I don’t think anyone here expects you to be an open book, or release your tax returns to us either. And, as you choose to do, sharing these things is not a cry for help, but sharing with friends, wouldn’t you agree?
sal
You have a job? Glad you’re doing better. Taking action, getting help, is usually worse in anticipation than hindsight.
c u n d gulag
We love you, John.
Warts and all.
And admitting this took guts.
Keep the ‘non-faith!’
Valdivia
John you are a man of courage. This post will give others both hope and the guts to admit their own struggles. Thanks and glad to know you are better now.
Samara Morgan
well.
i wish i had been kinder to you, i guess.
but the past is dust.
kick that libertarian swine facedancer Kain off your blog please.
harlana
And let me tell you, it is hell on earth. I am simply unable to separate myself from the suffering of others and the tragedies of life and the only thing that will stop it is being so heavily medicated that I become a zombie, just going through the motions and that, too, is horrible because you just want to be human, like everybody else. But once you become human, at least in my case, you become unacceptable. It’s a Catch-22 situation and it never, ever ends – it is the lifetime sentence of being born into a world I simply do not understand.
Sometimes, you just want it to end. You don’t care how, just let it end.
SuperHrefna
Panic attacks, anxiety, depression, weight problems, relatives on heroin… boy can I relate. There is a reason why I’ve been reading this blog regularly for years, but never participated until the last 24 hours (I’m trying to come out of my latest depressive hole). I’ve been struggling with all these things for most of my life. Thanks for being open, and thanks for making a space on the internet where so many cool people hang out being open. Shame & isolation are the real killers!
Learning how to breathe helped me deal with panic attacks – I have a very low tolerance for woo, so I’ve never had any real tutoring in this but I figured out a way to regulate my breath by trial and error during a year when life was just an unending series of panic attacks. It really helps. Mind you, a common feature of my panic attacks is often a state where I forget how to breathe and start swallowing air instead of breathing it in, so YMMV. But when I can take my breathing back from the panic it helps me take my whole body back from the panic.
Schlemizel
I have suffered with depression my whole life and the worst part about it is that its not a condition you want to tell anyone you have. Most think it means you are sort of crazy in some way (while technically true it is hardly helpful) many think it means you are weak and/or lazy (cheer up stupid!, just get up and do something about it). Many think it is just a little sadness that will pass on it own and you are just a drama queen.
I completely understand why you would be reluctant to share this information with this amorphous blob of semi-literate humanity. But thanks for doing it. Every time people learn about these sorts of issues and that they exist in people they know, like and see as “not crazy” it helps move the barriers a bit further down the road. thanks.
Ecks
Man, when I first started reading this I thought we were getting the Pratchett news and you had something incurable. not that physical illness is any more serious than mental, but I’m so glad it was something fixable.
Stigmas don’t end til brave people who doing have trip stand up and talk do it anyway. Kudos.
harlana
and X-ana-x is not addictive. I take it and I know for a fact, it is not addictive and can be taken only when you feel you are on the cusp of a panic attack. it is not like an anti-depressant that must be taken every day. just interjecting that for informational purposes only
i’ve been having to take it to stop the weepy spells lately – i can’t be doing that at work
SuperHrefna
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): Depression causes the worst insomnia! For me what helped is audiobooks. I used sleeping pills for a while but they got to be way too much for my body to handle, so I came off them as soon as I could and got myself an Audible subscription instead. Lying in a comfy position with my eyes closed I can let the story fill my mind instead of whatever parade of neuroses my mind would like to chew on and that helps me relax and drift off to sleep. I just have to choose audiobooks that hit the sweet spot between not-too-dull and not-too-exciting :-)
Patty K
Congratulations for working through this without taking drugs. Clonazapam (sp?), often prescribed for panic attacks can not only leave a patient horribly weak and but also subject to depression and cognitive impairment. Your instincts were right on.
RossInDetroit
Okay, this explains it. Everyone here is nuts. Why didn’t I see it before? No wonder I feel so at home.
25 years of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Stalked by the black dog from Thanksgiving to March for half my life. What a terrible waste. And I made it worse by ignoring it until it became an ingrained habit of thought and behavior.
I’m glad you’re getting help, John. Sometimes even the strong can’t do it all on their own. Stay humble and let other people do what they do to get you past it.
harlana
@Schlemizel: i like to share simply because i want others who may have loved ones who are suffering, will better understand. i think people instinctively think i do it for sympathy, which is not at all the point.
so yeh, there is a lot of pressure to shut up and be happy. as if, in such times, we are all supposed to walk around with fake smiles plastered on our faces while we die inside.
also, i have had the unfortunate experience of working for people who need help and, because of their power and authority, make others around them, especially those that support them, suffer greatly – because they will not get help
gogol's wife
I’ve been there. Most sensitive, intelligent people I know have been there. (Not to say that that’s who I am, I’m just speaking about others.)
ETA: And it sounds as if you had cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is the best.
harlana
zAnnex – hell i don’t know how to spell it w/o it getting stuck in moderation, and possibly kicked out – is not addictive
i have a friend, actually former bf, who desperately needs help but fears pills because he has had friends who died from overdoses, he self-medicates with alcohol and refuses to take pills – i feel he will die relatively young, unfortunately, because he has abused his body so badly for so many years – once he drank so much he passed out in the river in the park and ended up in the hospital in a coma with alcohol poisoning and he had already developed pancreatitis in his late 20’s. all this basically happened because he got fired from his job at a local TV station. at that time, we were no longer romantically involved and he was staying with me simply because i feared for his safety (long story, that one) – i had no idea he was going to go out and try to drown himself in alcohol almost to the point of death.
just please let’s not equate anti-depressants and the like with addictive substances that really do destroy lives. in reality anti-depressants help many people stay alive
donnah
By the time one gets this far into a thread, most anything said is a repeat, but I want to say thank you, John for trusting your community and sharing what has been going on in your life. We already feel like we know you, as much as you can “know” someone on the Internet, and this shows on both sides how we all feel.
A big part of helping ones self is knowing that you aren’t the only one who has problems. There is comfort in knowing that other people don’t live perfect lives and you are okay. Everyone needs help now and then, and there’s no shame in admitting it.
I’m always popping in and out at Balloon Juice every day because there is a variety of concerns discussed, and what I’ve discovered is that the posts about who we are rather than the ones about pure politics are the ones that touch me the most. Sure, I need the political insights, but the human insights are the ones that matter.
So, thanks for being here.
harlana
well, i believe i have sufficiently injected my 2 cents into this discussion and i will stfu now.
except to close out saying different things work for different people and i am not implying that any one thing is the answer – it doesn’t work that way – but therapy is definitely helpful – up until lately, i had been able to afford that and just had to beg the dr. for samples so i could keep going and keep up the job search.
SuperHrefna
@harlana: True. I take 20mg of antidepressant a day that helps a ridiculous amount. The side effects aren’t anywhere near as bad as they used to be with the old formulations. (Back in the 80s I was on one that meant I couldn’t go out in direct sunlight. How my depressed teenage Goth self laughed and laughed over that one….)
Phylllis
Years of low-level depressiona and anxiety, along with a true clinical depression that left me flat on my back on my sofa for six weeks. Which resulted in loss of job & apartment and living in my car for about three months. That was some 20+ years ago. I thank the FSM for anti-depressants. I don’t take anything now, but am very aware of when I’m approaching ‘not even-keel’ status and contact my doctor immediately.
Good on you John for realizing something isn’t right, and doing something about it. Mental health care is probably the biggest health care gap we have in this country, for so many different reasons.
Josie
John: I have sensed that you were dealing with something difficult lately. I just didn’t realize for how long. You are very sensible to have dealt with it medically and very brave to post about it. So many of us have lived through sadness, depression, anxiety, etc. and can relate to what you are feeling. I always tell myself what I used to think when I was a runner, “Just one foot in front of the other.” That thought has helped me through the death of my husband, raising our three boys, and the attendant money problems. The boys are raised and the money problems ongoing, but I have found a part time job to add to my teacher retirement check and am chipping away at the debt. Thanks for posting about such private struggles and giving us a place to vent and to understand the troubles of others, You are such a good writer and a good man.
harlana
and, i am so looking forward to therapy, once i get my finances straight – i can finally afford it! i can hardly wait because it will help me get to the next level, maybe not happiness, but a sense of general well being on most days!
END OF PERSONAL EXPERIENCE STORY
:)
Sourmash
John, thank you so much for sharing. I went through this big time back in August ’07 and as I looked back on it, I realized I felt the same way the August before and the August before that. I still go through it each year, but thankfully it has gotten less and less powerful and I know how to deal with it. But I still dread the end of summer. And that August was the worst thing I had ever dealt with. I was miserable and crying for no reason one minute and elated, literally elated the next. And on edge and…you’ve been there. I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy, and I know some fairly awful people. It is beyond horrible, terrifying in a way that is impossible to explain, because I AM NOT THAT PERSON!! That is NOT ME, and it is beyond confusing that for those months every year, that IS me. I’m a churlish, bitter, scared and whiny wreck who can barely get out of bed, much less go to work.
But it has made me a much more empathetic person, and played a big part in my progessivism, I try not to judge people, I try to accept them as best as I can, and when I see people having trouble, I tell them my story and tell them there’s no shame in seeking help. I work in a fairly hi-stress occupation and I tell my story regularly, without prompting, just so people know it’s OK to talk about it, and I force my staff to get regular check ups.
Counseling worked for me as well. I revere that woman.
Thanks, John
Violet
I’m so glad you got diagnosed and are doing better. Mental illnesses are one of the last diseases to come out of the medical closet and it’s still brave when people come forward. Having support is one of the most important aspects of it. Glad the blog could help. Thank you for being honest and letting people know that even tough guys can have mental illnesses and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
Wag
Thank FSM for Cognitive Behaviorial Thrapy. Got me through a divorce with minimal scar tissue.
harlana
@SuperHrefna: yes, yes, they are much improved and the newer the meds the less side effects there are or the side effects are less severe, i have found. of course, the downside being the newer meds are much more expensive (which is why i hadda beg the doc for samples all the time) b/c they have not yet gone generic.
ok, will shut up for realz now.
Johannes
You’re a good man, John Cole, and I love how every time you share, you reach out to others who may be going through what you have, and can benefit from your experience.
You’re good enought, you’re smart enough, and, doggone it, –er, never mind.
(You did eliminate Tunch working some voodoo, right?)
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
John, I’m so glad you got appropriate and effective medical care. And that you now recognize that there is nothing to be ashamed about having an illness. Thank you also for joining the lines on the fight against stigma.
Now please, everyone, repeat after me. What we call “mental illness” is physical illness. It is no different from heart disease or diabetes except that it’s a disease (actually set of diseases) of the brain rather than the heart or the endocrine system. People who have the physical disorders we call “mental illness” obtain medical treatment; they don’t “get help”.
Part of the stigma that continues is reflected in the language with which we (societal/cultural we) describe these diseases. We would never say someone “got help” for a heart attack, yet we’re totally okay with saying they “got help” for depression. These are brain disorders, not lifestyle choices or character flaws. They can no more be overcome with an attitude on the part of the patient and family with “buck up buttercup” than cancer can. Even panic attacks have their origin in brain wiring, though unlike say, schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder, they can often be ameliorated with trained patterns of responses which help rewire the neurons. This is much like the way diet and exercise can help control cholesterol and blood glucose levels, which can help control vascular disease and diabetes.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is quite effective across the spectrum, though many of the disorders require medication as well for the best success.
Please help us educate the general public to reduce stigma by making certain the language you use reflects the physical nature of “mental illness.” As I told the chair of the Mental Health Advocacy Coalition of SW Ohio yesterday, my bias has become using the term “brain disorder” as opposed to mental illness to emphasize that this constellation of diseases is actual physical illness. It’s a small step.
I’ll read the whole thread later. I’m off to do outreach for the little county NAMI affiliate I direct at a Health Fair in that county. Coincidentally enough!
RoonieRoo
Beautiful post John. Grumpy Code Monkey and I talk frequently about how much we see of our lives/experiences in your posts and it’s a huge part of why we read BJ.
I am convinced that dogs are some of the best medicine there is. In the past, I’ve shared my experiences with losing my first husband to violent suicide due to his mental illness. As a result, I’ve suffered from PTSD for a while though I would say I’m mostly over it now almost 12 years later. But a huge part of that recovery, other than having a fabulous husband and best friend, was getting Gregor the dog.
How can you be afraid of life when you have a 90 lb lummox of fur protecting you and loving you.
Anyway, I’ve long been a part of the community that deals with mental health as a family member and someone dealing with her own issues. If you find yourself curious about how mental health bleeds into political life/action then take a look at NAMI.
It took me a while to get involved with NAMI but the further I went down the rabbit hole with my first husband and his illness, the angrier I would get with how to get him help, the resources out there and the constant war on getting care and fighting the stigma.
NAMI is non-partisan and they work hard to stay that way. They do good work on being advocates because they do hold to non-partisan ways as best they can.
I guess that I remember when I found myself able to share with others the struggles with mental health in my life that I was crossing into another zone of awareness that led me to NAMI.
You are an awesome dude John.
uila
John, my wife eats a little bit of reefer in the morning, and it makes a world of difference in her day. It doesn’t get her stoned, but it melts the anxiety. Glad you got a handle on it, thanks for posting!
Sarah
Hi John, I hardly ever post here, but I care about you very much. I’m so glad you’re feeling better, so sorry you went through this, and so glad you’re able to talk about it. I’ve been there, a beloved family member is there right now, and getting help. Life’s too short to keep this stuff to yourself. Keep being better.
General Stuck
Well, I had no idea you and fuckhead were such soul mates, and can’t help feeling I might be causing the fuckhead from commenting here and thereby worsening your condition. Sure don’t want to be part of that. So, come on back fuckhead and do your thing, so Cole can get better. I can find something else to do. I’m serious, as it sounds like Cole needs your sage counsel unfettered by our hatred for each other. Snark artist – not what I would call it, but whatever. DougJ is all aces though.
Maude
@harlana:
When you comment on things, you are helping people and don’t know it.
I was thinking about why are people on cell phones talking, even in the supermarket. I think we are afraid and can’t tell anyone.
The economy has brought out a lot of fear. At night I think of people I know, not only in person but online. I always hope that they sleep and awake in a better frame of mind.
I was talking to a woman whose husband had lost his high paying job. I told her that I wake up scared because I am self supporting. She said that she can hear his breathing change when he wakes up at night and in the morning.
I was also thinking about how I have a separate life online. It is my intellectual life. It is a comfort to read familiar people’s comments. The women I know are taken care of and I don’t understand them and they don’t understand me.
I try to do something a tad different every day to prevent my mind from turning to mush.
I used to be able to write stark, realistic stuff. Not now. I stick with sweetness and light.
Who wants to be an adult these days?
ellie
I have had panic attacks and have been treated for anxiety. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy. I am glad that you are feeling better!
mcmullje
This post only increased my respect for you John. Glad it’s in the past, but you’ll know what to do if it happens again. My sister (who I love dearly and my precious daughter) have both dealt with this so I know how painful it is.
Joy
I, too, have panic attacks for no obvious reason. A few months ago they were so bad that I would have them while driving. Convinced I would crash the car, I would pull over. I sometimes couldn’t walk into a store without fear of fainting. I would push the cart along and feel like the whole place was spinning. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. My mother died at a young age of a heart attack so I was convinced I was too. Like you, several tests later, medically I was fine. I have been undergoing treatment for my panic attacks and surprisingly, just knowing what they were and how to deal with the effectively has virtually stopped them. You are right. talking to someone about them made all the difference. If I feel one coming on, I know how to deal with before it escalates. It’s amazing how debilitating panic attacks are and how they can change your life. I’m glad you found help and furry creatures are definitely some of the best medicine.
RossInDetroit
Worst panic attack story: Woke up at 3:00 am sweating and terrified. Got up and determined to walk it off. Was still walking at 9:00 pm when the sun went down. I must have covered 20 miles. Felt like hell the next day, but boy did I sleep well.
Quarks
Thank you for this post, John. It means an incredible amount to me right now.
vheidi
Thank you for this, John.
Omnes Omnibus
Cole, telling this story is brave. The fact that you did not tell people before, however, is not cowardice. You don’t have an obligation to do anything like that, so, if you don’t want to do it, you have no reason to reproach yourself.
Desert Dog
John: Thanks for this. It is important. I read your blog daily…it is my first stop daily. I have gone through the exact same things and had the same result with the doctor. As old Neil said: “It’s only castles burning, just find someone who’s turning, and you will come around”.
Over and out,
Desert Dog
gelfling545
You just have no idea how common panic attacks are. So many people I know from all different backgrounds and stages of life have told me of having had, at some point in their lives, episodes of panic/anxiety attacks. I don’t know if it was always so & people just kept quiet about it of if it’s something about life in the late 20th/21st century but these attacks seem to be happening to more and more people, at least among my acquaintances. Of course I live in kind of a plague spot for certain illnesses (MS is one) so maybe that accounts for the frequency.
Metavirus @ Library Grape
first, thanks for sharing john. you’re one of my very favoritest mystery bloggers behind the curtain and i love you.
second, tom cruise now hates you for embracing your thetans and getting Xenu-reinforcement “therapy” from our evil psychologist overlords. part of the problem!!
:)
Svensker
Went through a bad breakdown with a family member recently and cognitive therapy along with Prozac really really helped. Xanax is addicting, but Prozac is a different bird, so if you need that, don’t be afraid. I’m not pushing it, just don’t want people to be afraid of medications if they need them.
Big hugs. The nighttime of the soul is a dark one. Glad you’re back in the light.
Svensker
Oh crap, named medicine, got put in the corner.
BruceFromOhio
What Omnes Omnibus said.
You made a call, you reached out, you got help, you got better. Like greylocks said, that’s what you are supposed to do.
I’ll conclude you got a bigger, brassier pair than I, as it takes significant intestinal fortitude to write, post and respond to comments on an essay like this one. Well done, sir.
CaseyL
@Hillary Rettig:
That just about made me weep. I’ll remember that line, and quote it often.
Cole: You are a sweet and strong man. Thank you for telling your story, and don’t ever think you were weak or cowardly for not sharing it earlier. You’ve shared so much else, and all of it makes this place feel more like home and the folks here more like close friends.
I was on the antidepressant Effexor for years. It made me cheerful and perky, but there were (or I thought there were) some cognitive issues with lessened ability to concentrate and focus, which might have been contributory factors in my losing a couple jobs, so I went off the stuff. A good thing I googled what that would be like, because the withdrawal was strange stuff indeed. (I also changed doctors at that point, as the one I had kept insisting I could never stop taking the drug without even listening to what I was saying).
I had extreme anxiety for nearly 3 years – not anxiety attacks, but perfectly sane anxiety associated with a long spell of unemployment followed by about a year and a half in a job where no one ever said a kind word to anyone else. It left me with a tendency to be hypercritical of everything, and I so do not want to be that person.
I now have a job that is much like the dream job I lost, with sweet people, and I am determined to try and again be the easy-going, humorous and helpful person I used to be. I’d prefer to do it without drugs, just because I fear the cognitive side-effects. Not sure if talk therapy would help with that… maybe I’ll try it.
Oh, and what everyone here has said about animals is absolutely true. That 14 months I was unemployed… I’m pretty sure the only reason I came through it relatively intact was because I have two kitties. They are not only my furfriends to hold and love and be purred at by: they gave me a sense of responsibility and continuity by being so dependent on me.
redshirt
The key is to always remember we are in charge of our minds, and not vice versa. Practically, often we are not, and we can get swamped by years of accumulated habits – patterns of thoughts and feelings. But these can be overcome through effort – lots of efforts, on lots of fronts.
I’m not a fan of medication at all, because it can quickly become a crutch or even a problem unto itself, but it can be useful to provide the space to make these efforts – change the way you think, exercise, eat healthy, and be gracious and forgiving to yourself.
Step by step anyone can improve, if they want to. Sadly, many don’t or can’t.
Emma
Very late to the party, but… thanks for BJ. It has helped to keep me sane in a world where very few other things do.
Montysano
Given the general atmosphere of the USA right now, it’s not surprising that panic and angst are commonplace. Naomi Klein is right: there is a thing called Shock Doctrine, and we’re all soaking in it.
Bill H.
That’s what comes, John, from not having a wife to keep you
humiliatedcalmed down. Mine keeps saying things like, “You keep assuming that people are thinking at all, dear,” and taking the wind out of a perfectly good rant.Metavirus @ Library Grape
oh noes! my comment mentioned “that ‘religion’ that john tra- vol- ta subscribes to” and i got moderated!
Metavirus @ Library Grape
may a comment talking about puppies and rainbows and sunshine won’t trip the overseers this time? halp! stuck in moderate land!
wonkie
You are not a coward. Stop beating up on yourself. You are a person with integrity which means eventhe little decisions will loom large in your miind. Dumb arrogant people are happy because they don’t think about their actions except to congratulate themselves.
AliceBlue
John, I’m very late to this thread and I’m sure I’m just going to be repeating what everyone else has said. The last thing in the world you are is a coward. You knew things weren’t right, you reached out and got help. Not an easy thing to do.
We love you.
gravie
Just want to jump on the love train. B-J is one of the few sites I visit daily. I come for the smarts, the funnies and .. well, just the obvious affection that abounds.
xaneroxane
Namaste, JC…and thanks for sharing.
Ash Can
John, you are a magnificent individual. Bravo.
kc
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
NobodySpecial
Thank you, Cole, and I’m glad you got the help you needed. If only we all could.
PrairieMan
John,
You’re over thinking this one. I refuse to take life too seriously because I ended up just like that when I did.
Like the poster says “It is no measure of one’s mental health to be well-adjusted in a profoundly sick society”.
Cheers. Pet the dogs.
eap
Thanks for talking about this…I had the same thing happen to me. It was so scary, I tell everyone because I don’t want anyone else to have to go thru what I did. Some people act weird about it, but most people are very understanding. I think the more we talk about these issues, the more people will come to understand.
khead
Yeah, a heads up from my family would’ve been nice before I was wondering if I was crazy because I just HAD to get out of the house and go for a walk. At 3 AM.
When I finally brought it up with my family it was like the scene from Teen Wolf when the father shows he’s a wolf too. Hey! Whaddaya know! It turned out I am not alone. Dad even said “I really hoped it would skip you”. But the panic attack is apparently a family heirloom that we can’t seem to lose.
If you find you need to go the med route, I suggest Celexa or Lexapro.
Awesome thread, btw.
kindness
Balloon Juice >> Home of the Ugly & Pudgy
Poopyman
Well, I wrote a rather long comment and then somehow closed the BJ tab. Fuck.
Bottom line: I too went through the same thing 30 years ago. Therapy and occasional X-nax in small doses got me through. It takes balls to post what you did, John. No cowardice at all.
I suspect high intelligence and a high empathy factor relate to anxiety, so it’s no wonder so many commenters here have personal experience with it.
That Philo quote is a keeper. Be kind, all.
Neldob
just want to add my bit of thanks. No wonder I felt so happy here. Lots of love.
CynDee
@Martin: Maybe it will help to think about the fact that there is more to you than all of the work-junk you are going through.
There are few worse difficulties than depending on a job that has turned rancid; no easy answers.
Better thoughts may come to you because you are thinking in the direction of life and health and away from the opposite. When you least expect it your own thoughts can reveal if not a better path, a better step on that path.
PTirebiter
Mr. Cole,
I’m confident in saying that you are not a Coward. More importantly, I’d like to gently suggest you reconsider your experience as something other than a mental illness.
Whether intentional or not, your personal transformation over the last few years has been pretty obvious. It took real guts to just abandon the comforting order and the self affirming certitude of the right wing world- not to mention your decision to do it very publicly. Confronting the never ending doubts and random absurdities of life as a liberal is, for the most part, hard on the heart and mind. But think it’s the place that best reflects the real human condition so it’s the place to be. The lessons it offers in humility are often painful.
I think the long and acutely painful nights you endured are perhaps too common/normal to be labeled mental illness. I went through a very similar experience in my late forties that, oddly enough, started with a tingling and numbness in my right arm and leg. I still have the MRI negatives of my brain.
A physical manifestation of some inner turmoil isn’t necessarily unnatural or unhealthy. I think it can be quite the opposite. In the temporal world a “Long Dark Night of the Soul” might just be part of the struggle to become a more fully human adult.
Angela
I’m late to this thread too. Nothing to add to the conversation except to agree with the statements that you are a good man. And I appreciate the honest way you choose to live. I mostly lurk, but that feels too much like eaves dropping on an honest beautiful post like this one.
Debbie(aussie)
You really are amazing, John. Thanks for sharing.
Another Bob
After reading this post, I just wanted to take the opportunity to share my appreciation for you doing what you do as a blogger (and by extension, as a person). Your site has become one of the first ones I check when I go online. What I particularly appreciate about you personally is your honesty and your commitment to principles, and your courage in continually measuring yourself against those principles in a very open and public way. I’m not sure that many of us could live up to the demands of opening our lives to such a level of public scrutiny. Your public transformation from Republican warmonger to liberal penitent is one of the most remarkable examples of a person reassessing their entire political philosophy that I’ve ever seen. Wow.
So I just wanted to say, no apologies necessary. On the contrary, you’re an example for the rest of us. Thank you so much!
As for spooning with the dogs . . . ahem . . . don’t feel the need to share EVERY little intimate detail of your life with us. Although when you started describing your symptoms, I thought maybe you were going to say that you were diagnosed with mange, or some tick- or flea-borne illness. Glad to hear it’s nothing too serious, though.
bonmatinkatie
I love you, John Cole. This is my favorite place on the web, and now I have a 700th reason to love it. Who knew I had so much in common with so many of my favorite strangers.
Love,
second-time commenter who has read this blog daily for years
eemom
What a beautiful thread.
Cole, you rock. This blog rocks. This community rocks.
As for Fuckie — lemme get back to you. That one’s gonna take some getting used to.
Betsy
Love this post. Mental illness is a fact of life for me, since I married a man with longstanding, hard-to-treat depression and anxiety. Some days it just makes me want to scream and cry and punch something all at once. I love him like crazy and wouldn’t do a thing differently, but I would give my left arm and right kidney to rid
himus of that burden.Just wanted to add, though, that you do not need to apologize or self-flagellate for not talking about it before. It’s your blog; you do not owe all the assholes on the internet every detail. I love that you shared it now, and I love how you talked about it. But no apologies necessary for not doing it earlier.
lottirose
My best to you John, another best friend whom I have never met.
tomvox1
John, the more I learn about you, the more I admire your character. And it’s hard to get character in this world without some time in the valley. The modern expectation seems to be that everyone should be perfectly happy all the time or there is something horribly wrong with them. But there is a darkness in all of us and sometimes it can beat us. Good for you for asking for help. And good for you for sharing your experience, although I don’t feel you should berate yourself for taking your time in doing it. You’ve still done a world of good with this post.
Time loves a hero…
General Stuck
During the 80’s plus, my decade and a half of self discovery from about every kind of emo/mental/addiction problem, I lived and breathed therapy both group and individual, and depression was a constant companion.
That effort saved me, what was worth saving, and now it’s mostly chronic health problems that are the daily grind to suffer through. One of the group therapies that has really stuck with me, was a group I started in adult children of alcoholics, or ACA, not that one, the other one. It lasted about 5 years that became a very tight group of trusted people, by people where trusting others was a major issue in and of itself.
Not long after I got it going every Wednesday night, someone suggested we try a candlelight meeting. Well, that was when all the walls came down for the group, and I got to hear the raw grief of unbelievable abuse the survivors poured out. Making my own problems seem tiny in comparison. Whenever the melancholies start to get a hold of me now, my mind goes back to that group and any self pity that starts creeping in, just melts away.
gogol's wife
Wow. I finally had a chance to sit down and read all the comments on this thread. This is a beautiful thing. Thank you for building this community, John. You are the best writer I know.
YoohooCthulhu
Ha, no worries, John. I think you’d be surprised at the number of people (this commenter included) who immediately recognized and identified with what was going on when you started describing the tingly feelings and dizziness. It’s pretty common and not anything to be ashamed of.
Ann Marie
There was a period where I had similar panic attacks and they were awful. I think they started going away once I realized that they were panic attacks. I’m glad you got help with them because they can be paralyzing.
gex
Way late to the thread, but I have been battling my bipolar II symptoms and frequent suicidal thoughts for 20 years. I hear you John. I’m glad you took care of yourself.
ursine
No apologies necessary. Changing the habits of a lifetime is hard and therapy can be a true blessing. Most people and certainly most people in semi, quasi public life (or however you would characterize what you do) care deeply about what other people think, so sharing what is for you a deeply private and difficult issue is never easy. But the person you are and your openness about it is one of the key attractions of this place as many others have said. So congratulations for working successfully on a solution and keep enjoying the things that make you happy.
Anoniminous
Nobody would question taking aspirin for a headache but people get strangely and defensively weird when it comes to a “mind-ache.” Stuff happens; people react to what happens; sometimes our immune system breaks down and we get sick. When “mind-aches” persist or become dishabilitating people should seek professional attention just as they would if they had persistent or dishabilitating headaches.
MJ
Two quick things:
1. Where’s that photo of John that he’s referencing above?
2. Thank you for this John. It take tremendous courage to look at your own face (i.e. be honest with yourself about your internal struggles and fears). But it takes an even larger amount of strength to open up and share your true self with others. I have been struggling with some of the same issues for the past eleventy billion years, so I know of what I speak.
(Believe me, I’ve been stuck in this phase for well over a decade now.)
General Stuck
And one other thing. Though this was, as others have stated, a brave post of self revelation to a group, some things that need saying are best said one on one. If you are serious about taking the longer road to self discovery, you might want to consider a therapist, like say a licensed clinical social worker. I was luck enough to find one I trusted completely, and I told her everything, and I mean everything I had ever done, thought about doing, was ashamed of, fearful of, over a ten year period. Secrets are the soul killer, give them up one by one to a better existence inside your own skin. Simple as that.
I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet
Hi John and All,
Thanks for the site and the conversation. You’re a great blogger and a good human.
One more thing to consider – for you and others who experience tingling and numbness – it could be tight muscles. Given your shoulder injury, etc., it may very well be that some muscles have tightened up enough to occasionally pinch some nerves and cause the symptoms you have. Don’t dismiss it out of hand if it’s on the other side – bodies compensate.
My wife J was rear-ended in a car accident a year or so ago. It took her months to find someone who could help her with various resulting symptoms including finger numbness on waking up in the morning. She had MRIs and so forth. A couple of the physicians were convinced that it was due to slightly bulging discs. But she had that before the accident.
Physicians (around here at least) seem to have little understanding of muscles. Part of it may be due to the fact that muscle issues don’t show up in fancy diagnostic pictures. J used to be a runner and has had tight muscles for decades, and the twisting force of the accident seemed to have put her out of balance. She finally found a massage therapist (probably not the right term – not a chiropractor; not a soothing massage person) who was able to loosen many knots in her shoulders, neck and back (over several visits) and that has helped immensely.
Everyone’s different, but pain and nerve issues will make anyone worried and depressed. It’s often hard to know what comes first – the brain doing things, or the body doing things and the brain trying to compensate. Consider massage therapy as well.
Thanks again. Hang in there, everyone.
Cheers,
Scott.
JF_Lovely
I’ve been through most all of these anxieties, depressions, acting out and all of the other bullshit we go through in our human experience. Tried everything including self help, professional help, Prozac, self-medicating, you name it. All helped a bit yet still …
Please do all your selves a favor and try this:
http://www.amazon.com/Presence-Process-Journey-Present-Awareness/dp/1897238460/ref=pd_sim_b_1
It’s 10 bucks fro a kindle version. Get it, read it, start to feel it. Everyone can do it. You can evade, run, move, change your spouse, job, whatever. There’s no way around it peeps, you’ve got to turn around and go through it. It will seem excruciating at times but it is the only way.
http://www.thepresenceportal.com/index.htm
shortstop
I literally do not know anyone who could not have benefited from therapy at at least one point in our lives. I grateful we live in a time in which this stuff is less stigmatized and treated more like any other illness or health issue. I’m proud of you for asking for help and I’m very glad you’re feeling better.
marina
I had panic disorder too, in the early ’70s. There was no name for it back then. I forced myself to learn to go limp, breathe slowly and deeply, and just experience physically whatever was around me–air against skin, etc.–until the attack passed. Once I knew that I wouldn’t get frozen in an attack–I was very afraid of an attack that would never end–the disorder was easier to handle. Then the attacks just went away and never came back.
Thank you for being open. Also, to Hip-Hop Artist in Idaho: Yes, exactly. The mind is part of the body, for crying out loud! We might like to think that we can stoically and responsibly completely control our brain chemistry, and that failure to do so is a sign of weakness, but we would be wrong. “It’s all in your head” isn’t inherently invalidating–it might be the truth. It’s o.k. if it is the truth.
mg_65
delurking to say, thank you, John. I love you and this blog and most of the commenters — I read here every day — you have created a wonderful, fun, smart place and you are a good man.
Beauzeaux
@JR: My mother too. I wouldn’t wish her last months on anyone — except tobacco company execs.
gene108
@Anoniminous:
I wish there was a public campaign to let people know that mental illness is just like other illnesses and can be treated.
I think there’s a perception that people have that, “would I be depressed or anxious” in a certain situation and if the answer is “no” than people are predisposed to think less of the person, who is depressed or anxious.
The idea that some people are predisposed to being depressed and need to be aware of their illness hasn’t set in. It’s like feeding a type I diabetic candy and complaining, when they go into diabetic shock.
RedKitten
Another one who’s way late to the thread, but I’m glad you opened up, and only wish you’d done so before. There’s no more shame in mental illness than there is in any other kind of illness. Panic attacks are nothing to be ashamed of, John. I’m glad that you were able to reach out to some good people (I don’t know your boss, but agree with you about the fact that DougJ, Laura, JSF and Genine are excellent individuals.)
Anyway, I can’t add anything more that hasn’t already been said, but I just wanted to let you know that I care about you very much, John, and that if you ever need to talk, just send me a FB message or text me (if you don’t have my cell #, let me know, okay?)
Lots of love,
Krista
MaxB
Somebody somewhere said to me sometime something to the effect that fear has power over us when we run from it, but when we turn and face our fears we transform them.
You are a brave man, John Cole, and so are all the others who have shared their struggles. This is my anchor blog because, despite my lurking, I am reminded that I am not alone in my own struggles and in the compassion we feel for others. Sometimes manifests as righteous snark towards those who have yet to realize their connections to everything they think different from themselves. But that’s just the passion of compassion.
CynDee
A note about therapists: you may have to shop a bit before you find one who is compatible with you and your problem. It’s worth persisting, because an able and committed counselor can help you transform your life.
Don’t give up if you run across an actual jerk; they’re out there. Just move on.
You can run across some actual incompetents, or someone who is so eccentric that they are of little help to their patients. Some of them don’t want to be. Just move on.
It is not uncommon that your psychologist or psychiatrist got into the field because they themselves had problems, which are not resolved, and they not really in a position to help you. On the other hand, that person may be just the one who can. Just keep looking.
The point is to seek help. The path may be rocky, but you can get things done — even if your conclusion is to decide the money would be better spent on a vacation or the search for a livable job.
I had much better help from people with social work training than I did with the two psychiatrists I saw. Both of those were, to use a technical term, self-absorbed nutcases; one was disrespectful and talked abusively. AND YET, he saw the need to admit me to the hospital and identified a physical condition that no one else had spotted, and it really needed attention. From there I got more help with the resident counselors. It may take more than one person to get you where you need to be.
Two of four psychologists I saw were just going through the motions. One of these fell asleep during each of the two sessions I had with her, so I moved on. The other two psychologists were genuinely concerned and pulled out all the stops to come up with a healing program. Some of my best help was from the social workers, because, I guess, they tend to live in the trenches and not the ivory towers.
Group therapy can be immensely revealing, powerful and bring the relief you so desperately need. In the presence of a guiding counselor, you go around the group, and each person tells of their situation or their progress or lack thereof.
In a group of ten people, several of whom were extremely eccentric or compromised, I did not see ONE person I thought was unworthy of a good life. Yet when it came around to me, I thought I was just a very inadequate and lazy, undeserving specimen of poor character. This is the type of destructive attitude that such a group with a good leader can dispel, and make it possible for you to bloom into the Self that was always there, but who got tired and confused and sidetracked.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@SuperHrefna:
Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History podcasts work for me, too…Because the anti-depressants aren’t perfect.
LT
How many fucking times do I have to say it in ten days or so: This. Is. Balloon Juice.
This is why, John, this is why.
Damn. Oh yeah – thank you.
Just Some Fuckhead
Don’t be trying to humanize me, John. I’d never do that shit to you, brah.
Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony
Loads of us have been through bouts of mental illness. Good for you for getting help.
Debbie(aussie)
Came back to read the rest of comments. Just have to add how great this place is,even for us lurkers :). Agree with the comment above from MaxB 223.
I have severe depression and chronic pain and am still struggling after almost 15 years. Can’t work, am on a disability pension (thank FSM I live in Aus),visit a psychologist, take atni-depressants and still have little equalibriam. Sometimes life sucks and sometimes you see how others care and share, it helps.
SIA
John, you are amazing. Thank you for expressing who you truly are. Most folks have some shit they have to cope with. Mine was alcoholism which was only treated with abstinence and a twelve step program starting 32 years ago (thank you FSM)
In the years since then I’ve had a number of emotional and mental issues to work out. Some were resolved by the process of (finally) maturing. I went to a therapist for 7 years and dealt with all the family shit, best I could. Providing my brain with a substance called Prozac helps keep me in the boat. Elkhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, especially the concept of the pain body, has been incredibly helpful is learning some detachment from my own demons. This is an ongoing process.
To those who courageously shared your lives here, I salute you. That includes you of course, John!
MJ
Hey John, Back to say that I just saw your photo from the “Fat Man in a Bathtub” post. I don’t know why you’ve been so down on yourself about your looks because you look pretty good in that shot (notwithstanding your best efforts to ruin the picture by scowling at the camera).
mclaren
Cole, you’re having panic attacks because you’re paying attention to what’s going on in this insane fucking country.
MMM
Shine on you crazy diamond
merrinc
I spent a couple hours reading this thread earlier today, chuckling sometimes and wiping away tears at others. I have been reading B-J nearly every day, several times a day, for 5 years but I’m not a frequent commenter. I have come to depend on B-J for my daily dose of sanity. John, you have created something very, very special here.
Depression, panic attacks, I’ve been there too. I guess I’m not surprised to find that most of us here have spent time in very dark places. Feeling too strongly and thinking too deeply is something we crazy liberals have in common. Thank whatever-diety we can pull each other back from the ledge.
John Cole, you are one of the best damn bloggers on the planet. No one, and I mean NO ONE, can do a righteous rant the way you can. You’re a good man, too. If I was single and 10 years younger and lived 400 miles closer but ah, never mind. Oh, and the Balloon Juice Commentariat is without equal. I’m not even drinking but I have to say it: I love you guys. Truly.
One more thing: I am also a formerly silent member of the Martin Fan Club. John, please consider giving Martin a shot at being a front pager.
Angela
I like you, John. Thanks for being here and sharing so much.
IrishGirl
http://drangedinaz.wordpress.com/2012/01/09/unseen-battles/
John, I know what you went thru and you are very brave for writing about it. I recently wrote about my own travails with mental illness on my own blog. You already had my readership but now you have my deep respect.
Tim in SF
JC, any chance you could link to that other post you referenced in this post? I somehow missed it.
Parrotlover77
Anxiety disorders and depression run in my family for generations (I was fucked from the start lol). I finally sought help when I was so paralyzed from fear, I couldn’t move from the couch I was frozen in. My wonderful wife dragged me to a psychiatrist. Lexapro is my miracle drug but of course ymmv. It’s been 11 years since my last panic attack. I’m glad therapy worked for you, john, but I needed drugs. Lexapro is a SSRI so it’s non-narcotic and non-addictive. Everybody is different though so everybody needs to find the right treatment for themselves. If you are in a situation like this, don’t give up. It can take time sometimes.
denali
John, thanks for sharing. And you are not alone- its clear. Its a crazy world we all have to navigate. And you provide a safe spot in it for us.
Thanks for that.
Lex
John, I’m glad you got help. I’ve been suicidally depressed off and on since 13 and continually since 1996; more recently, I’ve also gotten a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I take prescription medication, despite a history of substance abuse in my father’s family, because I have to … and because there’s a fair chance that the substance abuse was people’s unwitting attempts to self-medicate their mental illnesses, not a free-standing problem.
(By the way, having had both depression and anxiety, I can say without reservation that anxiety is worse.)
I don’t make a big deal about this on my blog, but I’m very open about it with friends and family. If I see people exhibiting symptoms, I suggest they see a professional. And with very rare exceptions, I no longer automatically assume that’s someone’s being an asshole just because he’s an asshole. You can’t always see or weigh somebody else’s burden, y’know?
If anyone here is struggling with a problem like this, or you think you might be, please go see a professional. If it’s a real thing, you can get treated. And, of course, the reverse of John’s situation might be true: You might not be mentally ill but have an actual physical ailment. (Depression is common among people with cancer even when they don’t know they have it, for example.)
Thanks for speaking up, John. You aren’t alone, and as a result of your speaking up, maybe a few more people won’t be alone, too.