Michele Bachmann yesterday:
As Iowans begin the process of caucusing tonight, I am confident that our message of consistent conservatism will resound across all of Iowa’s 99 counties. Iowans, this is our chance to take our country back. Let’s get started.
Michele Bachmann today suspending her campaign:
Last night, the people of Iowa spoke with a very clear voice, and so I have decided to stand aside. I have no regrets. None whatsoever. We never compromised our principles. … While a congresswoman by title, a politician I never have been, or will I ever hope to be.
There may be a hint of regret there, seeing as she also noted that:
I didn’t tell you what the polls said you wanted to hear.
Never mind, Michele – at least your little dog got some darling accessories out of the trip. Don’t let the door hit you on the crazy on your way out.
H/t to commenter JGabriel for the “Dog” meme, which will (I suspect) be entertaining us all (and Josh Marshall) for weeks, and to suzanne, who got there first with “Sunglasses on Dog”, damn her.
JGabriel
Sarah, Proud and Tall:
That would be me. Sunglasses On Dog is mine too.
Also That Dog Is Not The Federal Government’s Responsibility and Wants A Dog.
.
gogol's wife
I believe it was JGabriel in one of the threads last night (not absolutely sure though).
pragmatism
yep jgabriel. still cracking me up today. tell him what he’s won, johnny!
feebog
Sorry to see Ol’ Crazy Eyes leaving. She was a hoot and a half, plus all the “Gay Radar” speculation about Marcus was entertaining. Here’s hoping that she gets her ass kicked in MN 6 as well.
West of the Rockies (formerly Frank W.)
Am I remembering things correctly? Did Bachmann say she would not run for Congress again regardless of the outcome of her now-failed run for president? Is it possible we can be rid of her so easily?
pragmatism
since perry is back in, he needs a dog handle. doggerhead? there has to be something better.
Villago Delenda Est
JGabriel, who has already piped up and rightly claimed credit for a very good meme.
Dog on Car
Man on Dog
The Federal Government has no business with that Dog
Sunglasses on Dog
I don’t think he bothered with Noot.
Villago Delenda Est
@pragmatism:
“That Dog Don’t Hunt”?
Full of Woe
“Contacted for comment, God’s only response was uproarious laughter.”
Sarah Proud and Tall
@JGabriel:
Really? Damn. And here I thought I was being funny.
Yutsano
MN6 is scheduled to be re-districted out of existence. So unless they tailor-make a district for her she’s pretty much toast as a politician. She always has an Ailes chair waiting though.
chopper
@Villago Delenda Est:
“on his 3rd dog”
or, “put down his first two dogs”
JGabriel
@Villago Delenda Est:
I did. Newt is Wants A Dog.
Am I the only who remembers the ridiculous interview from last week or so, where he tried to humanize himself by talking about how much he wants a dog? Dude’s rich, he can fucking well afford a dog if he really wants one.
.
g
The numbers tell the story. she got around 6000 fools to vote for her, just a little more thant the number she paid (with concert tickets) to vote for her in the August straw poll. All that work for five months campaigning, for a net gain of 1200 votes.
She’s damn right she’s not a politician.
Kremer
@feebog:
Nah, not much chance. Her district is mostly as nutty as she is.
@Yutsano :
Is that true? Here’s hoping…
Villago Delenda Est
@JGabriel:
Ah, yes.
I vaguely remember what happened last week. It was so long ago. I also vaguely remember a time when Wants a Dog was the front runner, but that seems to have been when dinosaurs ruled the Earth.
pragmatism
@Villago Delenda Est: lol indeed he don’t. governor good coat? JGabriel, you haz the funneh. help us out here with perry.
JGabriel
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
Actually, turns out it was suzanne who came up with Sunglasses On Dog. I’m guessing all three of us came up with it independently, but suzanne got there first.
My cite for it is about 20 minutes later, where I called Bachmann Sexually Ambiguous Husband’s Sunglasses On Dog.
.
Morbo
@JGabriel: Huh, when I think of Sunglasses on Dog I think of Deal With It.
West of the Rockies (formerly Frank W.)
I hope you’re correct, Yutsano (@ 11)! But as you said, she’ll be settling her keister into a seat on Fox News to continue sputtering her nonsense.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@JGabriel:
Prizes of sequinned pet eyewear for all!
Southern Beale
The always delightfully catty Gawker made note of Marcus Bachmann’s cold sore, which I’m sure is the real reason Michele dropped out of the race.
cbear
@JGabriel: That was some brilliant shit last night, dude. I salute you.
Calouste
Perry would be Man Shoots Dog, would it? If you count a coyote as a dog that is, and if you believe Perry shoots straight enough to actually hit a coyote. Some reports from Texas suggest that Perry isn’t much of a straight shooter though.
srv
What about Willard’s line on Newt: Old Dog, Newt Tricks?
Citizen_X
@pragmatism: “Shoots dogs while jogging.”
@chopper: “Gets new dog, has old dog put down?”
ETA: Argh! Calouste beat me to it.
feebog
@ Yutsano:
I googled up MN. redistricting. According to Teh Google MN will still have 8 congressional seats. Link:
http://www.tcdailyplanet.net/news/2010/12/21/minnesota-keeps-all-eight-congress-seats-after-census
Yutsano
Minnesota is scheduled to lose one (or two, I forget which) and hers is already a crazy gerrymandered carve-up now. Getting a safe district will be rather complicated to do without resorting to the same cartographical distortions. Or without throwing her against another Republican.
Under the Aurora Freeway
She wasn’t even the Ted Williams “there goes the … that ever lived” of vile and crazy, not even this year.
srv
@Calouste:
All hair, no dog
pragmatism
@Citizen_X: @Calouste:
that’s totally the right angle. well done.
can newt be: “Needs Dog to appear human”?
Calouste
75-year old cancer survivor says “we are believed around the world to be weak” and “in decline.”
Churchlady320
Yes – the comic relief factor was certainly fun! The rabid, slavering policy stuff? Not so much.
Not to worry. She won’t go far. She’s as wedded to media coverage and crowd adulation and Sarah.
lamh35
SOCIAL CONSERVATIVES HUDDLE TO PREVENT ROMNEY VICTORY
Southern Beale
WTF????
Texas police shoot & kill an 8th grader who brought a gun to school.
Jesus effing Christ.
The Dangerman
Shouldn’t Newt be “Impeach the Big Dog”
Edit: Perhaps “Dogging The Big Dog” is better
jl
Sometimes I feel bad making fun of Bachmann, since I believe she is sincere, and think she can actually think and still has good intentions remaining from when she was in touch with reality, but she has gone insane.
But Perry, he is totally a 100 percent legitimate no regrets target.
Well, except that I think he is dumber than all the rest of them put together, including Cain and Palin, so there is the issue of making fun of a possibly seriously handicapped person.
But stll, Perry is like Bush, except minus all of GW Bush’s good qualities. Yikes, think about that for a moment.
Mike Goetz
On Perry, we can tip our hats to Bad Lip Reading and go with “Small Doghouse”.
Under the Aurora Freeway
@Southern Beale: Pretty fucked up, all around.
Merits mentioning that this was a 15-year-old student, two years older than I initially feared. Not that it makes things much better.
srv
RP should be Man bites dog.
Butch
She’s a loon and a legislative back bencher with some seriously dangerous ideas, so why is it that some tiny corner of me is feeling bad for her right now?
rlrr
@Calouste:
Any belief the USA is in decline started long before Obama…
chopper
what would huntsman be?
i vote “dog chain puller”.
Herbal Infusion Bagger
What others said, plus it’s likely she got a wingnut welfare or Faux news job offer last night.
She’s more likeable than Palin, more articulate, more ideologically driven, crazier, and not an obvious grifter like Palin, so I’d think she’s gonna suck the oxygen out of Palin’s grifting.
Or she’ll get HHS secretary under a Santorum presidency. Now there’s a scary thought.
Rita R.
For my money, Michele’s comment about manly, macho, decidedly-not-gay Marcus shopping for doggy sunglasses was the line of the night. But there was some competition:
A willfully-blind-to-karma Newt whining about the negative ads Romney’s superPAC ran against him by saying they dishonored the troops.
Crazy Ron Paul croacking out, “When’s the last time you saw a poll about the gold standard?” and fantasizing about policymakers declaring, “We’re all Austrians now!”
Santorum comparing Obama to Mussolini, which actually was a nice change from all the Hitler comparisons. However, I may have nightmares about his grandfather’s big dead hand digging out freedom.
Romney’s entire speech, however, was forgettable, except for its reinforcing just how bad a politician he really is.
jibeaux
And knock on wood, in November they’ll all be swept up in the inside-out newspaper baggie by Actually Has A Damn Dog.
Yutsano
I miffed on MINUTE losing a seat. However they do have to re-do the map. And that doth not favour Crazy Eyes.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@jl:
So because she sincerely believes that gays, Obama and census takers are all evil, she deserves a break?
Spare me.
Poopyman
Heh! What Digby said.
Nemesis
Isnt Noot the “Divorcing the cancer-riddled, death bed, soon-to-be-ex-wife dog”? Am I doing it right?
Rita R.
@Butch:
Didn’t see her quitting announcement today yet, but I felt a little sorry for her too last night — and then she started talking. Once she started in with Obama wilting before challenges to the nation and amped up her crazy apocalyptic “Obamacare” bs, I just thought, “F*ck her.”
MikeJ
@chopper: I have built a little house in my backyard for this comment so it will stay warm and dry through the winter.
jl
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
No, I do not spare you.
I did not say that I refrained from making fun of her, just that I felt kinda bad doing so sometimes.
And I did not say anything about feeling bad about attacking her nonsense without adding in additional meanness, did I?
Huh, did I?
Anyway, she is out, and Perry is still in.
martha
@JGabriel: I must say…THANK YOU! I’ve already shared this far and wide to much laughter and “where did you hear THAT from, that’s GREAT”. Now I know exactly who on BJ to credit…
Sarah Proud and Tall
@jl:
Sorry. My response was harsh. I must not post after seven martinis.
To be fair, I kind of agree with you but then, as another poster said above, she starts talking, and I realise that she’s a stark raving loon. Her sincerity scares me and almost makes me prefer the grifters. At least I know they wouldn’t burn me at the stake unless there was a decent profit in it.
JGabriel
@jibeaux:
I didn’t really think of Obama having a dog name since it was a GOP meme, but since I’m not gonna top that one, Actually Has A Damn Dog is it.
.
JPL
Sarah, In case you missed this yesterday, this sounds like a feisty relative of yours..It’s about the original author of America The Beautiful and Mitt’s misuse of the song. link
JPL
@JGabriel: Some of us come for the laughs and thanks. It’s going to be a long election season so prepare yourself with more quips.
Southern Beale
OMG don’t tell Doug but McMegan actually goes after Paul Krugman today …
Jewish Steel
Hey, hey!
Ho, Ho!
Rick Perry has got to go!
Don’t split vote twixt the Romney-nos!
(sorry, I know that’s not a great chant. consider it a first draft)
WaterGirl
@JGabriel: I would like to nominate you as MVP for last night.
We also expect your contribution level to remain this high throughout the election season. :-)
Butch
@Rita R.: I didn’t see either announcement in part because I can’t stand her shrill voice; I was just thinking about the feeling of admitting to yourself that a goal you wanted badly is lost.
joes527
Is she actually looking down at her notes for the names of her children?
Calouste
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
I think you were mistaken there my old dear. Have another one just to make sure.
Gex
Late in the thread, but Newt can be the Old Dog That Can’t Learn New Tricks.
ETA: I see that JGabriel covered Newt, but maybe this can be the first alternate.
The Other Chuck
Huntsman still needs a dog meme.
JGabriel
@chopper:
We’re waiting for Huntsman to to do something actually dog-related to mock. Have faith, it will happen. Bachmann, after all, didn’t give us the sunglasses line until just last night.
In the meantime, I suppose Huntsman could be Not Dog On Car, since the only thing that differentiates him from Romney appears to be that he lacks Romney’s WTF quality — and also that Huntsman’s daughters are a lot more appealing and funnier than Romney’s sons.
Or maybe Beefheart’s Dog, except the problem there being that it actually sounds kind of cool.
.
jl
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
I admit it is a fine line to walk. How do you deal with insane people (Bachmann) and morons (Perry) who are a danger to others but not themselves? But either they or their sponsors (and a dimbulb like Perry would sink into total oblivion if he did not have very powerful sponsors) are able to persuade others that they are not a danger, but an advantage?
So, no hard feelings. The bright side is very bright along this line.
We have Perry. We have Newt. We have Santorum. We have Mitt. All deserving targets with no reservations that can occur with the likes of Huntsman, Bachmann or Cain.
So…. we can be as mean and vicious as we want, and do all we can to help them do all hey can to do as much damage as possible to the GOP.
West of the Rockies (formerly Frank W.)
One assumes that in the next few weeks or months Huntsman, Johnson, and Perry will all fade (regardless of any attempts they might make to rebrand themselves or even declare themselves Independents). I assume that in a head-to-head battle Gringrich would shred Santorum, leading finally to a Romney v. Gringrich battle for the nations of Middle Earth. I’ll put my minor wager on Romney eventually grabbing the nomination and — I hope — eventually losing to Obama.
Now, might Obama take the environment and education more seriously in his second term? Count me among those who are disappointed on his efforts on those fronts thus far.
jeffreyw
That dog won’t huntsman guy.
Jewish Steel
So who is the Mormon representative at this summit of Romney-nots in Texas?
hahahaha!
I kid. I’m a kidder. You know me.
Svensker
@JGabriel:
No dog in the Huntsman?
ETA: And not only does jeffreyw cook better than I do, he’s quicker, dang him.
chopper
@JGabriel:
hence ‘dog chain puller’. sounds normal, but also a beefheart ref.
Robert Sneddon
Newt: Credit line at Petsmart.
jeffreyw
Huntsman Blames Campaigns Slow Start on the ‘Dog Days of August’
Southern Beale
Oh the IRONY!!!! An angry Klansman deeded a S.C. KKK store and Klan museum to an African American Baptist church and a judge just upheld the transaction.
God I love it.
JPL
@lamh35: Dobson thinks he knows how to train dogs. (from his book)
Not sure how we talk about this one…
Veritas
Ok, what is this about “dog on car”?
dedc79
Now Michele can return to her true love — hiding compact fluorescent light bulbs up Marcus’ asshole
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@The Other Chuck:
“That dog won’t Huntsman”?
(oops, already posted)
pseudonymous in nc
@JGabriel:
Given that he was ambassador in Beijing, can we find out whether he’s Dog On A Plate?
ETA: And before you pile on, he’s made the joke himself:
So let’s assume he hasn’t knowingly partaken.
JPL
@Veritas: The previous president that Republicans ignore did mention that he liked the google… Try it
Cassidy
@Butch: Growing up, we are all taught that we can be anything, even the President of the United States, if we just want it hard enough. Our inner child cries when we see this to not be true, even if we loathe the person who failed.
pragmatism
@Veritas: these sorts of comments are too cute by half, dougj.
jibeaux
@JGabriel: Aw thanks. The dog names are fantastic, by the way, just love them.
JGabriel
@Veritas: Romney strapped his dog to the top of the car for family vacations. Romney+Dog+Car yields 20,500,000 results at Google, if you want sources.
.
Veritas
@pragmatism:
Whatever.
JGabriel
@pseudonymous in nc: Thank you, I knew an appropriate story would be found. Huntsman’s dog name is henceforth Dog Stew.
.
pragmatism
@Veritas: aww dougj, that comment was too sad by half. you’re better than that(?)
ruemara
@JPL: I grew up on James Dobson. I wonder how I’m still sane. Not so much about vindictive.
Cassidy
I’m thinking minimalist for Newt: Dogshit.
chopper
@JGabriel:
damn, thought i was a contender.
WaterGirl
@JGabriel: Can we get a vote on that one?
Cause I think “that dog won’t huntsman” conveys the exact problem huntsman has, while “dog stew” kind of picks on him for something he didn’t do (eat dogs) and for being our ambassador to china, which he did in service of our president.
handy
@JGabriel:
Have you read the Politifact article on this? Truly bizarre. And the “Mostly True” rating is just the beginning.
chrome agnomen
getting here late. “corn dog” is the name for perry.
chrome agnomen
getting here late. “corn dog” is the name for perry. and hence “horn dog” for der gnoot.
Amir Khalid
@ruemara:
Something sticks in my mind about the name James Dobson. There was a supermarket chain here (yes, in Malaysia) that used to play on the PA, not music, but these 30-second spots recorded by “Dr James Dobson from Focus on the Family”. These spots were mostly full of rather old-fashioned parenting advice, delivered in a kindly tone, but on occasion there was also fogyish moralizing about young people nowadays.
Is he that James Dobson?
Ian
@JPL:
Is that Dobson’s section on children or animals?
JPL
@ruemara: When my sons were young, their pediatrician recommended his book which I read. I changed doctors.
JPL
@Ian: Why treat them differently?
JGabriel
@chopper: You were, but it was just a little too obscure. Even I didn’t get it at first, and I’m one of the small percentage who not only knows who Beefheart is, but has listened to his music, played it on the radio (as a college DJ), and likes Beefheart.
WaterGirl:
Apparently it’s a meme now, so really, it’s out of my hands. It’s gonna get voted on by people using whatever they think is funny in every day mocking, so a vote is implied on no matter what.
I don’t think so. Dog Stew picks on Huntsman for making a lame dog stew joke*, in the same way that Man On Dog picks on Santorum for making a comparison between bestiality and homosexuality, while suggesting that Huntsman’s a mix, or stew, of GOP positions without being his own man.
But that’s just me defending my own joke. I expect whatever makes people laugh is what will win.
(*A joke Huntsman might well have made even with out his ambassadorial experience, since his Mormon missionary experience was also in China.)
.
trollhattan
@pragmatism:
“Laser on Coyote”; “That’s No Dog”; “All Hat, No Snausages”? Aw, I got nuttin’.
JGabriel
@Amir Khalid:
Yes, exactly.
.
jl
I think ‘that dog don’t huntsman’ is perfect.
For Perry, how about ‘Perrydoodle’?
Edit: Because all the cocker and other miscellaneous dog doodles in the world, are smarter than Perry.
rlrr
@Amir Khalid:
Yes.
trollhattan
Anybody care for a round of “Guess what political party?” I’ll start with an easy one:
http://www.kcra.com/politics/30133967/detail.html#ixzz1iWkFYm9U
WaterGirl
@JGabriel: Small d democracy in action!
pragmatism
from deadspin (Scocca)–the complete guide to which gop candidates are like which NFL QB’s:
Mitt Romney is Joe Flacco.
Rick Santorum is Alex Smith.
Ron Paul is Andy Dalton.
Rick Perry is Kevin Kolb.
Newt Gingrich is Rex Grossman.
Jon Huntsman is Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Herman Cain is Mark Sanchez.
Sarah Palin is Brett Favre
from commenters: John McCain is Chad Pennington
suzanne
Last night just had me in nonstop hysterics. Thanks, JGabriel. :)
LMMFAO.
Sunglasses On Dog was totally mine.
I still can’t believe she said that.
pseudonymous in nc
I’ll go with ‘That Dog Don’t Huntsman’ — if it were known that he’d dined on hound during his time in China, then a whole stew of names would be available, but lacking such evidence, we’ll go with the functional one — for as long as he sticks around, which is six days and counting.
pragmatism
also too from deadspin: nomar garciaparra tried to convince two astronauts that the moon landing was faked. why? he saw a show on fox and it was very convincing.
http://deadspin.com/5873047/nomar-garciaparra-tried-to-convince-astronauts-the-moon-landing-was-fake-and-other-stories-from-six-years-in-red-sox-pr
Splitting Image
For Huntsman I’d go with “The Dog That Didn’t Bark”.
Yevgraf
Caribou Barbie shows us her Bircher thongstrap….
http://www.newsmax.com/InsideCover/palin-paul-gop-voters/2012/01/04/id/423028
01010101
Romney’s sons
Think of the bodacious Osmond medley at the inauguration. Tho’ maybe, just maybe Huntsman gets Veep, and some Beefheart! With the Huntsman fillies doin’ some mormonic-Mansonite go- go moves.
The Moar You Know
Wholly OT: headline on Fox News just now:
“Why Santorum Appeals to Women and Evangelicals”
I’ve heard that, at least the evangelical part.
Villago Delenda Est
@Amir Khalid:
That’s the guy. He’s a jeebofascist asshole, like about everyone else mentioned in that piece. FSM doesn’t love us enough to bombard that meeting with meatballs from outer space.
NeenerNeener
Newt will always be “Tiffany Bling On A Dog” to me.
Kremer
After that story above, I do kinda like “Dog In Stew” for Huntsman
Redshift
@Villago Delenda Est:
That was my first thought, before reading through all the others. I still like it best, perhaps shortened to a form like Man on Dog and Dog on Car:
Dog Don’t Hunt
pragmatism
@trollhattan: lol. he’s from twin peaks, indeed.
Chris
@lamh35:
James Dobson and all the rest did the same thing early on in the 2008 election cycle, when they all met at some hotel out west and discussed breaking from the GOP and running a third-party candidate, in the even that Giuliani won the party nomination.
Made me sorry he didn’t.
Maude
OT Obama has filled 3 positions on the National Labor Board. Screeching is going on.
Villago Delenda Est
@Maude:
Good. There screeches bring me joy.
pseudonymous in nc
Scott Brown’s on board with the Cordray recess appointment; potentially having to face Warren (the original frontrunner for the CFPB job) is going to have him establishing a small ocean’s distance from the GOP Senate leadership.
Willard is horrified, of course, because he’s a robber baron shitbucket.
JPL
@Maude: Sen. Brown came out and semi-supported Obama’s appt of Cordray. He said he understood it. Warren has him scared.
jl
@Maude: I think decision has been made by Obama to start running hard against Congress. Worked for Truman in 48, when he was in electoral trouble.
GregB
I think Rabid Dog is appropriate for Newt.
I should also be noted that the blog Joe My God refers to Marcus Bachmann as Ladybird.
JGabriel
@pseudonymous in nc: @Splitting Image: @Redshift: , and Sundry Others:
Well, I’m staying with Dog Stew, and all’s y’all can kiss my pasty white ass.
Put it in context, people. Which of these two potential NH Primary descriptions is funnier?
A) In a closer race than expectecd, Dog On Car just barely leads That Dog Is Not The Federal Government’s Responsibility, while, in third place, That Dog Don’t Hunt siphons away Dog On Car’s support.
B) In a closer race than expectecd, Dog On Car just barely leads That Dog Is Not The Federal Government’s Responsibility, while, in third place, Dog Stew siphons away Dog On Car’s support.
Dog Stew is just meaner and glutinous, it makes you think “Ew”, and it’s therefore funnier, in my humble opinion. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ with it.
.
Anne Laurie
@pragmatism:
Jogs with Dog.
And for Gingrich, Tail-Chasing Dog, because “petticoat hound” as a term of opprobrium was antique even when Presley bought that song from Mama Thorton. Also too, one of the Swollen Amphibian’s myriad electoral problems is that he can’t stop himself from tripping over his own ego.
slightly-peeved
Awesome work, JGabriel.
my suggestions:
Herman Cain: Dog on Leg
Buddy Roemer: Lost Dog
Barack Obama: Top Dog, or just Bo.
Violet
@Anne Laurie:
I love Tail-Chasing Dog for Newt! Inspired!
Lojasmo
@Yutsano:
Minnesota is not losing any seats. We were close, but barely cleared.
Our maps are not yet drawn. Blessed governor Dayton vetoed some nasty gerrymander.
WaterGirl
@The Moar You Know: Oh, yeah. All the women I know are gonna love that he thinks states should get to outlaw birth control!
pseudonymous in nc
@Lojasmo: But from what I was reading, the MN-6 is going to have to be radically changed, given the population shifts over the past decade. There’s no more gerry to mander in that stretch from the Wisconsin line through the exurbs to St Cloud.
Lojasmo
@pseudonymous in nc:
Yup, it’s not BETTER in the sixth, but it’s not much worse. At any rate, we lost no seats.
A Ghost To Most
I prefer to think of Newt as “The Dog Whistler”
AA+ Bonds
@slightly-peeved:
PRETTY OFFENSIVE
Princess
@JGabriel: And his actual dog’s name spells his initials. BO. I just realized that… (I can be dense) but kind of cool, I think.
Whatsleft
I see Huntsman as Dog Chasing Klown Kar FWIW
Princess
I think Perry has to be Dog Clone:
AxelFoley
@Villago Delenda Est:
Haven’t read the rest of the thread yet, but please tell me no one already used “You’re the Man now, Dog!”