You may not wish to read this if you have just eaten

Warning: Adult (and extremely immature) Content.

I’m somewhere in the mountains in the west of Portugal at a health spa. There are extended families everywhere looking virtuous after their appointment with the hotel nutritionist and a cleansing dip in the healing waters.

I am celebrating by sneaking outside for a smoke and drinking as much red wine as I can.

Given my drunken state, I don’t remember who to blame for referring me to the torrent of pompous guff that is Bill Fucking Kristol’s most recent article in the Weekly Standard.

To the Republicans of the states of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida:

I imagine Bill, as he types with one hand, slowly drawing aside his robe to reveal his wrinkled old todger. It stirs vaguely as he spits on his other hand and gives it a quick buff.

At this moment of great peril for our nation, you have the privilege of beginning the process of selecting the 2012 Republican presidential nominee—the individual who will save us from the ghastly prospect of an Obama second term, and who will then have the task of beginning to put right our listing ship of state, setting our nation on a course to restored solvency, reinvigorated liberty, and renewed greatness.

His excitement is rising now at the thought of the usurper being thrown out, of that glorious day when he can again call a spade a spade. He is half hard, with perhaps a first glistening drop of precome to moisten things up.

Your responsibility is great. Your votes will affect which candidates survive January’s electoral gauntlet, their likelihood of ultimately prevailing, and even whether others will feel impelled to enter the race. You, the voters of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida, will shape the range of choices for your fellow citizens elsewhere in the nation in this crucial year.

How should you decide for whom to vote?

Now his mind turns to the candidates and his hand begins to quiver up and down those few inches. He thinks of Michele Bachmann and her crazy-sexy eyes; of that delicious hunk of manhood that is Rick Santorum, and of his oh-so-perfect helmet hair; of Gnoot’s quivering jowls and Rick Perry’s firm and masculine chest; even (perhaps for a moment) of sweaty forbidden gnome-sex with Ron Paul.

Vote for the person you think would be the best president of the United States. Ignore the proclamations of the pundits, the sophistries of the strategists, and the calculations of the handicappers. Ignore the ads, the robocalls, and the polls. Be skeptical of those who would seek, whether from national stage or local perch, cavalierly or presumptively to instruct you how to mark your ballot. That ballot is yours alone to cast.

Here the people rule. So you, the Republicans of Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida, can step back, consider the individual candidates in the totality of their public lives, study their records and platforms, judge their abilities and views, imagine each of them in the Oval Office making major decisions for the nation .  .  . and choose the individual who you think should be our next president.

His hand is a blur. His eyes are glazed. The keyboard is a little sticky. The moment is near – the moment to drop in mention of the Federalist Papers – and then surely he will have the sweet release he craves.

As Hamilton puts it in Federalist #1:

The subject speaks its own importance; comprehending in its consequences nothing less than .  .  . the safety and welfare of the [Union], the fate of an empire in many respects the most interesting in the world. It has been frequently remarked that it seems to have been reserved to the people of this country, by their conduct and example, to decide the important question, whether societies of men are really capable or not of establishing good government from reflection and choice, or whether they are forever destined to depend for their political constitutions on accident and force. If there be any truth in the remark, the crisis at which we are arrived may with propriety be regarded as the era in which that decision is to be made; and a wrong election of the part we shall act may, in this view, deserve to be considered as the general misfortune of mankind.

And his heart is going like mad and yes he says yes I will Yes.

The crisis of 2012 isn’t the crisis of 1787. But it is still a crisis. It is not a moment to be swayed by capricious accident or compelled by political force to a wrong election of the part we shall act. It is a moment for reflection and choice.

A moment of doubt. Little Bill wilts slightly, and Bill fwaps harder to try to keep the buzz. He calls up image after image in his mind, but now the doubt has taken hold and all he can see is Rick Perry saying “oops”, Herman Cain suspending his campaign, Ron Paul denouncing Israel, Gnoot saying anything at all, and Romney, always Romney.

And it is a moment, as you prepare to cast your vote, for others to reflect on whether they don’t owe it to their country to step forward. As this is no time for voters to choose fecklessly, it is no time for leaders to duck responsibility. Those who have stood aside—and who now may have concluded, as they may not have when they announced their original decision, that the current field is lacking—will surely hear the words of Thomas Paine echoing down the centuries: “The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman.” Now is not a time for leaders to engage in clever calculations of the odds of success, or to succumb to concerns about how they will look if they enter the fray and fall short.

Oh god. Oh god. Not even Thomas Paine can save his hard-on now. Sadness washes over him. His tackle has shrunk down to a limp noodle which he clutches between his fingers. He milks it desperately, but the joy has gone. Will no one bring the light of hope back to Bill’s eyes, the flush of blood to Bill’s loins?

Now is a time to come to the aid of our country.

No. No one will come, least of all little Billy Kristol, as we leave him, curled on the carpet, clawing at his groin, with not even a little spurt of semen to soothe the dry, dry and futile friction, or to fill the yawning crevasse of despair that has opened up inside.

84 replies
  1. 1
    MariedeGournay says:

    Funniest thing I’ve read all day.

  2. 2
    burnspbesq says:

    The Grammar Police would like to have a word with you about using “as such” when what you meant was “as a result.”

    Other than that, spot on. There are times when “Kristol’s an idiot, ignore him,” while true, seems inadequate.

  3. 3
    Cermet says:

    Huh, and I had hoped I was in the running for a Moore award – damn, this piece is far away better.

  4. 4
    burnspbesq says:

    Kristol:

    The crisis of 2012 isn’t the crisis of 1787. But it is still a crisis. It is not a moment to be swayed by capricious accident or compelled by political force to a wrong election of the part we shall act. It is a moment for reflection and choice.

    Incoherent or incomprehensible? Inquiring minds want to know.

  5. 5
    Linnaeus says:

    Let me echo TBogg: Bill Kristol can eat a bag of salted dicks.

  6. 6
    Yutsano says:

    @Cermet: I don’t think she’s eligible. She’s fictional. The true author may or may not appreciate the honour.

  7. 7
    Fax Paladin says:

    Shorter Kristol: Think long and hard and vote for who you think will be best, in the full knowledge that I will be working to make your vote irrelevant by pushing to nominate a candidate who isn’t even on the ballot in your states.

  8. 8
    Steve says:

    I like how he uses all those words just to say “don’t let anyone else tell you who to vote for,” presumably including himself. Very Nietzschean.

  9. 9
    No One of Consequence says:

    Rude Pundit, is that you?!

    – NOoC

  10. 10
    Davis X. Machina says:

    @burnspbesq: Kristol’s just into the Reactionary Poetry Magnets™ again.

  11. 11
    M31 says:

    Oh my God, he’s actually lamenting that Pawlenty dropped out of the race.

    No wonder his willy is kaput.

  12. 12
    Roger Moore says:

    Now his mind turns to the candidates and his hand begins to quiver up and down those few inches millimeters.

    FTFY.

  13. 13
    PeakVT says:

    I haven’t read it. Should I stock up on brain bleach first?

  14. 14
    burnspbesq says:

    It’s tempting to speculate that the reason Kristol quoted from The Federalist No. 1 is that that’s as far as he ever got in reading them.

  15. 15
    pablo says:

    Wasn’t the last sentence a typing exercise?
    Or maybe the whole article.

  16. 16

    @No One of Consequence:

    I was concerned that the wonderful RP may have written this column already, but I searched and searched and didn’t find it…

  17. 17
    Svensker says:

    and yes he says yes I will Yes.

    Froggy native boys in leather aprons!

  18. 18
    Brachiator says:

    Immature, yes. Adult? Arguably not. At best, a late, backdoor entrant for the Bad Sex in Writing award for 2011.

    Your inspiration is clearly flagging, and I expected a more penetrating skewering of a Kristol Night.

    Hope you can get more of a rise next year.

  19. 19

    @burnspbesq:

    My thanks to the grammar police. I live and learn.

  20. 20
    DPirate says:

    It’s both hilarious and annoying that this guy writes as if he were speaking to posterity. Think’s he Tom Paine – no, he thinks he’s Thomas Paine.

  21. 21

    @Brachiator:

    Hee. You said “penetrating”. And “rise”. And “backdoor”.

  22. 22
    Yevgraf says:

    @burnspbesq:

    That’s the trouble with a good porno – nobody sees anything beyond the first six minutes….

  23. 23

    What a tremendous relief. Bill Kristol thinks the election is in the bag for the GOP and they can nominate whoever they want.

  24. 24
    Maude says:

    Is this Bill the Sunis and Shia will get along Kristol?

  25. 25
    Lysana says:

    Oh, brava. Bra-VA. I am giggling insanely here.

  26. 26
    MattF says:

    It’s shrinkage. It’s shrinkage. Little Bill is really much bigger.

  27. 27
    Brachiator says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    Hee. You said “penetrating”. And “rise”. And “backdoor”.

    I didn’t want you to take it too hard, or think that I was coming at you from prudery or bluenose Puritanism.

  28. 28
    hitchhiker says:

    the proclamations of the pundits, the sophistries of the strategists, and the calculations of the handicappers

    the alliteration of the a$$hole.

  29. 29
    gbear says:

    Ignore the proclamations of the pundits, the sophistries of the strategists, and the calculations of the handicappers. Ignore the ads, the robocalls, and the polls.

    He forgot the part about ignoring your own self-interest.

  30. 30
    Amanda in the South Bay says:

    Eh, can I daresay that I’ve always seen it spelled precum, and not precome?

  31. 31
    rea says:

    “I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”

  32. 32
    Brian S says:

    I’ve been reading the Federalist papers off and on for the last few months, and I’m often amused by the extent to which Hamilton/Jay/Madison are big-government liberals. Makes me think that conservatives who like to claim/selectively quote them have the same relationship with the Federalist Papers that fundamentalist Christians have to the Bible (i.e. not much outside what their pastors tell them is in there).

  33. 33
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    Kristol can’t even wank properly.

    He’s that much a wanker.

  34. 34
    Benjamin Franklin says:

    Quantum Leap? I’d lost faith in the idea and had substituted devolution, or Idiocracy, but this is encouraging.

    http://www.wired.com/wiredscie.....g-smarter/

  35. 35
    BO_Bill says:

    Don’t ask me why or do any of that psychoanalysis crap on me, but for some reason this blog-post created in my mind an image of Bill Kristol and Barney Frank engaged in intra-Semitic activities. It was pretty bad.

    Oh God, now there is Lindsay Graham. I think it is time to have a beer.

  36. 36
    Brachiator says:

    @rea: No fair invoking Molly Bloom. By the way, I do not think that there is supposed to be a period at the end of her reverie.

  37. 37
    Cain says:

    @rea:

    “I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.”

    I don’t remember the book, but I remember the scene from “Back to School”. hah.

  38. 38
    dms says:

    See, even I got the Ulysses allusion.

  39. 39
    FlipYrWhig says:

    This is SUCH a pastiche of colonial pamphleteering that it’s practically cosplay.

  40. 40
    Gus diZerega says:

    @Brian S: Completely on target. Consider the number of right wingers and ‘conservative’ who quote Madison writing we are a democracy not a republic and never comprehending what he also wrote: by democracy he meant direct democracy Athenian style and he defined a republic as a system of government where the people elected representatives.

    One wonders how they passed high school.

  41. 41
    DFH no.6 says:

    @Svensker:

    A-quivering at my loins!

  42. 42
    eemom says:

    He thinks of Michele Bachmann and her crazy-sexy eyes; of that delicious hunk of manhood that is Rick Santorum, and of his oh-so-perfect helmet hair; of Gnoot’s quivering jowls and Rick Perry’s firm and masculine chest; even (perhaps for a moment) of sweaty forbidden gnome-sex with Ron Paul.

    uh oh, personal appearance humor. Tisk tisk. SO un-liberal.

  43. 43
    Jennifer says:

    Speaking of immature, Jeffraham Prestonian helped me out with a photoshop of Callista Gingrich which finally nails it w/r/t what it was she reminded me of in that crazy-eyes helmet-hair pic. Now posted over at my joint.

  44. 44
    DFH no.6 says:

    @dms:

    Who’s this Ulysses of whom you speak?

    Svensker and I know it from Firesign Theatre (How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You’re Not Anywhere at All, to be exact).

    (and yes, I know)

  45. 45
    dmsilev says:

    I imagine Bill, as he types with one hand, slowly drawing aside his robe to reveal his wrinkled old todger. It stirs vaguely as he spits on his other hand and gives it a quick buff.

    Do Not Want.

    My dinner was tasty going down, and I’m pretty sure it’d be rather less so coming back up.

  46. 46
    Mark S. says:

    Is God in favor of the gold standard? The always idiotic On Faith section of the WaPo invites a libertarian Christian to share his thoughts:

    Rep. Paul acknowledges the Bible’s concern for honest money as well in End the Fed : “The Bible is clear that altering the quality of money is an immoral act… It is dishonesty in money that has been a major source of evil throughout history.” If the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil, as 1 Timothy 6:10 says, how much more seriously ought we to take how our society views the control over the supply of money?

    I wonder if the Bible has anything to say about making money by letting racist cranks write newsletters in your name.

  47. 47
    dmsilev says:

    Semi-OT, the Intertubes are reporting that Perry is reacting to his failure to qualify for the Virginia ballot by …filing a lawsuit …in federal court.

    Tort reform!

    States’ Rights!

  48. 48
    FlipYrWhig says:

    @Mark S.: Seems to me that the Bible isn’t really all that keen on all that “money” stuff in the first place.

  49. 49
    John O says:

    At least he’s (Kristol) always wrong or stupid.

    Kristol is one of those rare souls that makes me hope for a real Hell.

  50. 50

    I’m sorry, WTF? As if the outcome of this sham wasn’t already predetermined, months ago? As if we didn’t know 2 days after Obama’s inauguration that it would be Mitt in 2012?

    Please. This is just more Kabuki for the clueless conservative rubes who are stupid enough to vote Republican. Sure, vote in the primaries, yeah you have a say! Our Democracy works! (Except when liberals win, then it’s all New Muslim Brotherhood and dead people voting).

  51. 51
    SFAW says:

    Who’s this Ulysses Odysseus of whom you speak?

    Hero of the Odyssey (no, not the Honda minivan one). Took him approx 10 years to get back home from Troy, ’cause he didn’t have GPS, zagged when he shoulda zigged, and ended up in Dublin for a spell.

    Once the Guinness ran out – well, actually, it was after Greece defaulted, and his drachmas were suddenly worthless, so no one would pour him a pint – he made his way back to Ithaka, where he tried his hand at mass murder.

    And, for what it’s worth, I think it was “a-quivereth my loins”, but it’s been a coupla decades or so since I last listened to Firesign.

    Shoes for Industry, compadre!

  52. 52
    SFAW says:

    clueless conservative rubes

    Stop repeating yourself.

  53. 53

    @Mark S.:

    I wonder if the Bible has anything to say about making money by letting racist cranks write newsletters in your name.

    I hate to point this out, but back in 1995 when the racist newsletters first surfaced, the excuse was “these things were written in the context of statistics and news reports of the day,” NOT, “I didn’t write them, someone else wrote them, and I disavow them.”

    It really bugs me that this basic fact keeps getting overlooked. If Ron Paul really did not say these horrible things, then he would have said so back in 1995 when they first became an issue when he ran for Congress.

  54. 54
    Evolving Deep Southerner (tense changed for accuracy) says:

    @eemom: Then by all means, fucking jump all in there with some fat jokes and shit. I mean, Chris Christie! The posts write themselves!

    Fuck, it’s one thing to be dumb. It’s another to be proud of it.

  55. 55
    eemom says:

    @Evolving Deep Southerner (tense changed for accuracy):

    um, yeah. Similarly, it’s one thing to be a pathetic little PeeCee wannabe, and it’s another to be proud of it.

    Keep evolving there, trailer trash. Any day now you’ll catch up to primordial slime.

  56. 56
    burnspbesq says:

    @dmsilev:

    Semi-OT, the Intertubes are reporting that Perry is reacting to his failure to qualify for the Virginia ballot by …filing a lawsuit …in federal court.

    You’re going to cause me to laugh myself to death. Why do you hate me so?

  57. 57
    SFAW says:

    Christ, get a room, you two.

    Here we are having a nice sub-literate discussion, and we get dueling insults.

    Oh, wait, I forgot where I was …

    Never mind, carry on.

  58. 58
    Citizen Alan says:

    Like David Brooks, William Kristol has the Innsmouth Look about him. In my most fevered Lovecraftian dreams, I can imagine both of them swimming out to sea, their pallid nude bodies glistening in the moonlight like slithering tumescent eels, as they seek out the spawning grounds of the Great Old Ones. There, they will seek to spill their ghastly seed and give birth to some eldritch horror to doom the entire human race.

    Luckily for us all, neither Nixon nor the Gipper was buried at sea.

  59. 59
    burnspbesq says:

    @Evolving Deep Southerner (tense changed for accuracy):

    I hope your Snark-O-Meter is under warranty, because it’s not working.

  60. 60
    handy says:

    @burnspbesq:

    Maybe, but my Keeps-Beating-That-Horse meter is pegging at max.

  61. 61
    Amir Khalid says:

    @dmsilev:
    Goodness. Suing the state Republican party is so stupid and childish. The TPM writer is all, like, “WTF, man?”

    There’s an obvious and unanswerable reply to the complaint: If Mitt and Ron Paul could get enough good signatures, then Perry could sure as hell have done it too. And when the judge is done pointing that out, he’s going to chew out Perry’s lawyers for wasting court time.

  62. 62
    catmandoodo says:

    It is obivous that little Billy inherited his father’s vocabulary but not his intelligence or ability to write concise and clear prose.

  63. 63
    SFAW says:

    And when the judge is done pointing that out, he’s going to chew out Perry’s lawyers for wasting court time.

    At which point Perry, trying to emulate his buddy Newtie, will hold a press conference talking about how the attack by activist judges on his campaign is JUST LIKE when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

  64. 64
    Citizen Alan says:

    @catmandoodo:

    My favorite Lil’ Billy anecdote:

    “The talk turned to William Kristol, then Dan Quayle’s chief of staff, and how he got his start in politics. Irving recalled how he talked to his friend Harvey Mansfield at Harvard, who secured William a place there as both an undergrad and graduate student; how he talked to Pat Moynihan, then Nixon’s domestic policy adviser, and got William an internship at the White House; how he talked to friends at the RNC [Republican National Committee] and secured a job for William after he got his Harvard Ph.D.; and how he arranged with still more friends for William to teach at Penn and the Kennedy School of Government.
    ___
    “With that, Prof. Katznelson recalled, he then asked Irving what he thought of affirmative action. ‘I oppose it,’ Irving replied. ‘It subverts meritocracy.’ ”

  65. 65
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @SFAW:

    At which point Perry, trying to emulate his buddy Newtie, will hold a press conference talking about how the attack by activist judges on his campaign is JUST LIKE when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor.

    At this point, the judge should hold Perry personally in contempt, and toss his ass in stir for a long weekend to contemplate the depths of his stupidity.

    Oh, wait, that’s not possible. For Perry to contemplate, that is…

  66. 66
    Darnell From LA says:

    Bill Kristol fapping…..OK, that’s enough internet for today.

  67. 67
    SFAW says:

    At this point, the judge should hold Perry personally in contempt, and toss his ass in stir for a long weekend to contemplate the depths of his stupidity.

    Instead, how about the judge call up Tommy Franks, to see if he wants to change his mind.

  68. 68
    amk says:

    sarah – I’m sorry that I got you started on a bender.

    otoh, I am so fucking not.

  69. 69
    Evolving Deep Southerner (tense changed for accuracy) says:

    @burnspbesq: Who yanked your fucking chain, Esquire?

  70. 70
    Evolving Deep Southerner (tense changed for accuracy) says:

    @eemom: Still shitty and proud of it, I see. Must be good to be you.

  71. 71
    eemom says:

    @Evolving Deep Southerner (tense changed for accuracy):

    dude, if PeeCee Police is what you aspire to, you are TOTALLY wasting your time on me. AL is up with a new post calling Newt the “Swollen Amphibian”!

    Better hustle up there quick and start scolding…..or I just might have to conclude that your stalking of me is motivated by something other than, um, principle.

  72. 72
    Evolving Deep Southerner (tense changed for accuracy) says:

    @eemom: Ah, yes. Stalking you because of your feminine charm. Your willful ignorance is catnip, a veritable siren song, to an ignernt Southern boy like myself.

    Jesus Christ. Where do people like you come from?

  73. 73
    benmays says:

    @DFH no.6: Yes, I was totally Firesign here as well.

  74. 74
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    … even (perhaps for a moment) of sweaty forbidden gnome-sex with Ron Rue Paul.

    Fix’t. ;)

    @dmsilev:

    Which is hilarious as the counting of all signatures for the primary candidates was enforced due to another lawsuit by a Republican who ran in VA as an independent. He sued, claiming that he was geing treated unfairly regarding the signature verification on his petitions since the state fully audited independent candidates while the Repubs rubber stamped them once they got 10,000 handed in.

    Thus the enforcing of the rules by the VAGOP this year and the candidates failing to make it. Now Perry wants to overturn the verification requirement, claiming that having to actually verify the signatures isn’t fair to him. Redstate has been claiming that the rules are unfair and were changed in the middle of the game.

    Enforcing the law is changing the rules?! Wingers are fucking crazy.

  75. 75
    Citizen_X says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: Speaking of extremely immature, VAGOP is my favorite new word of the week.

  76. 76
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Citizen_X:

    The other day while I was at Redstate I noticed that my browser tab had truncated the title of the diary I was reading to:

    Day Two of the Great VAG

    That was a real laugh!

  77. 77
    stoned stats says:

    That was so funny. But i am stoned. And masturbating. FWIW.

  78. 78
    Admiral_Komack says:

    I’m not reading this bullshit…but I will say this:

    FUCK YOU, Bill Kristol!

    I’m voting for President Barack Hussein Obama!

  79. 79
    Admiral_Komack says:

    In regards to my last post:
    When I say “bullshit”, I am talking about anything written by Bill Kristol.

  80. 80
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Admiral_Komack:

    The natural fertilizer industry called and is requesting that you stop referring to the writings of Bill Kristol as “bullshit”. They are objecting to this, claiming that you are defaming a good product that, when properly composted, makes for a good soil nutrient that encourages plant growth. While they do agree that his writing is shit, extensive lab testing has shown that it can’t be composted and nothing but evil grows in it.

    Please cease and desist, the poor bulls did nothing to deserve such humiliating treatment.

  81. 81
    Soonergrunt says:

    No one will come, least of all little Billy Kristol, as we leave him, curled on the carpet, clawing at his groin, with not even a little spurt of semen to soothe the dry, dry and futile friction, or to fill the yawning crevasse of despair that has opened up inside.

    Epic.

  82. 82
    HeartlandLiberal says:

    This is the most compelling, incisive, dare I say intellectually draining and accurate analysis of the heart and soul of the endless drivel coming from (and apparently onto) the keyboard of BillyBob Kristol I have ever read.

  83. 83
    Hawes says:

    Thanks a lot. You’ve ruined masturbation for me.

  84. 84

    But there’s hope. He wipes the tears from his eyes and casts a desperate glance at the foot locker in the corner and decides that it’s time to bring out the Gipper!

Comments are closed.