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You are here: Home / Open Threads / Be Careful Out There: Vampire Beast-With-Two-Backs Edition

Be Careful Out There: Vampire Beast-With-Two-Backs Edition

by | 30 Comments

This post is in: 

Jumping on the CDC’s Zombie-Apocalypse-Preparedness bandwagon, Planned Parenthood offer some very sage advice:

Let’s face it: vampires can rack up a lot of sexual partners over the years. Your vampire might be the same age as you, or she or he might be thousands of years old. But no matter how old you are, if you’re going to jump into bed with a vampire, you’re going to need more than a clove of garlic to protect your health.

Check the link for the rest of the 411.  My favorite bit:

Vampires might be immortal, but you’re not.

True, dat.

Remember — with vampires, you might be thinking of a night to remember, but for them, it’s always fangs for the mammaries.

(Rimshot, please.)

Happy Hallowe’en, all. (And this should serve as an open thread, no?)

PS: really cool old NSFW in our prudish time pic below the jump.

Hans Baldung, Death and the Maiden, 1518-1520

Reader Interactions

30Comments

  1. 1.

    YellowJournalism

    Off-topic, but I just had President Obama and Hilary Clinton trick-or-treat at my house together. Along with Jigsaw from Saw. (Unless it was Dick Cheney.)

    I LOVE Halloween!

  2. 2.

    lamh34

    It is too weird that I lament the for lack of a better term, the “sissification” of vampires by such films as Twilight? Jeez, what ever happened to real blood sucking, virgin killing, sunlight burning, vampires back in the day. Hell, can we at least have the vampires from Buffy or Angel back? Say what u will about such flicks as Blade and Underworld, but at least these vamps were kick ass and not pasty faced Brit dude who “twinkle” in the sunlight…WTF!

    Anyway, hope everyone has a great Halloween. It’s days like these that I wish I was back in NOLA. I bet Bourbon Street is jumping.

  3. 3.

    JGabriel

    Subject: Our Leaders Are Morons, or, Evidence For Stupid In The Stupid Vs. Evil Debate

    David Cameron in today’s Financial Times:

    I am confident that we can both resolve the crises at hand and come through them with an economy that is stronger and fundamentally fairer. My argument here at home and at the meeting of the Group of 20 leading economies in Cannes is that we can only do so if we show complete single-mindedness on three fronts …

    (via Krugman)

    .

  4. 4.

    JGabriel

    @lamh34:

    Say what u will about such flicks as Blade and Underworld, but at least these vamps were kick ass and not pasty faced Brit dude who “twinkle” in the sunlight…WTF!

    Sparklepires?

    .

  5. 5.

    Steeplejack

    @lamh34:

    Just watched Daybreakers off the DVR this afternoon. The vampires have taken over and are farming the dwindling population of humans for their blood. It kind of unravels at the end, but it’s worth a look. Ethan Hawke, Willem Dafoe, Sam Neill.

  11. 11.

    Suffern ACE

    I shall be living in fear that there will be a knock on my door again this year. I’ve got no treats to give. I’ve had two trick-or-treat episodes in eight years of living in this building, and both came last year. Cooking chicken, though. Would it be bad to give out drumsticks in a pinch?

  13. 13.

    JGabriel

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I have, um, a friend who will be needing this information later on tonight.

    Make sure your, um, friend, liberally applies citric acid to the neck area tonight — it imparts a nice tartness to the flesh while simultaneously protecting against fang-transmitted virii.

    .

  16. 16.

    burnspbesq

    There’s a Planned Parenthood office about a mile from where I live, right by a freeway exit.

    I went by it last week, and there was a banner on the side of the building, announcing that Planned Parenthood had been named in some survey as one of “Orange County’s Most Trusted Brands.” Still not quite sure what to make of that.

  19. 19.

    SiubhanDuinne

    It’s not O/T, it’s Schubert.

    Okay, I’ve been trying and trying to give you guys a link but for some weird reason I can’t get YouTube URLs on the iPad (or else I’m Doin It Rong, which is likely).

    But you all have GOTS to watch this.

    So go to YouTube, type in Anderson and Roe Der Erlkonig, and select the one with the image of piano keys. Watch the whole thing. There’s no sound for the first minute or so. When you think it’s ended, it hasn’t yet (wait for the credits before you click away).

    This is just perfect for Halloween.

  21. 21.

    burnspbesq

    @SiubhanDuinne:

    Okay, I’ve been trying and trying to give you guys a link but for some weird reason I can’t get YouTube URLs on the iPad (or else I’m Doin It Rong, which is likely).

    It’s not you. It’s the damn YouTube app, which is totally non-intuitive. Reduce the size of the video, then tap on the image. You’ll see a “share” button, which you can use to drop the URL into an email. Then copy and paste.

  23. 23.

    cinesimon

    That’s great.
    What with the constant attacks on PP, it’s really wonderful to see them having a bit of fun, and not including those trying to destroy them in the monster theme. Very tempting of course, but also of course, it would take the fun out of it. Something we can leave to the republicans.
    Once again, the folks at Planned Parenthood show that they’re true human beings with a lot of good, and a lot of humanity in their hearts.

  25. 25.

    Steeplejack

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Hey, girl! Been going through some ch-ch-ch-ch-changes and not having a chance to read and comment much in real time. My desktop computer was down for almost a week, and I was limping along on my old, old Dell laptop. And I’ve been off work for the last week and trying to get a lot of real-world stuff accomplished. With mixed results, but, hey, that’s how it goes.

    How you been?

    ETA: Just thought of something: are you going to do NaNoWriMo this year? Doesn’t it start tomorrow?

  26. 26.

    stickler

    Hans Baldung! That guy was one freakish genius. Take a look at his many illustrations of witches for a few chills and thrills.

    A pretty much NSFW blog post that examines Baldung’s work:

    sexy witches.

    The guy had some interesting artistic output.

  28. 28.

    Tom Levenson

    @stickler: “Interesting” is an interesting–and accurate–choice of adjectives.

    We think we invent all this new cool attitude. Someone was always there before us.

  30. 30.

    Neddie Jingo

    @Linda Featheringill:

    Ahhhh, the maiden, with her chubby fingers and stubby toes and what’s with that expression? Revulsion? What?

    Well, what would your expression be if you had that dude chewing off your third chin? Even if he’s gentleman enough not to grab a talonful of his victim’s port melon?

    I know I’m being ahistorical here with this observation, but what the hell. What the young lady lacks in muscle tone, she certainly makes up for in chicken-skin pallor. Ick.

    I note also that Death’s ass must be three feet wide — else how to explain that his left hip floats eight-nine inches from where you’d expect to find it?

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