Just spent five hours on the road to my undisclosed location in Dick Cheney’s secret lair, and if traffic near you is anything like it was for me, stay off the road. Unparalleled levels of road douchebaggery today. Felt like deathrace 2011.
A specific shout-out to the Black SUV with tinted windows who decided me doing 75 up a hill in the passing lane to pass two trucks was not fast enough, and tailgated so close I thought he was attempting to mate vehicles. That was bad enough, but when I passed the trucks, turned on my turn signal to get back in the slow lane (again, doing 75 in a 65), the way you decided I was not getting over fast enough and decided to shoot the 4 foot gap between me and the truck and pass me on the right was particularly awesome. Fortunately, I always look to my blind spot after turning on my turn signal, and saw your reckless assholery, or we would both be dead. I hope you get herpes.
And why is it that everyone driving like a fucking maniac is either in a giant vehicle penis SUV or, invevitably, in a 20 year old Honda Prelude that is 90% Bondo, with a loose hood being held in place with a coat hanger and a rear window made out of a frayed and flapping garbage bag and duct tape and confederate flag stickers? Assholes and morons, all of you.
To the groundhog I flattened, my apologies. I tried to slow down, but the hillbilly in the pick-em up truck behind me was tailgating and the blue hairs in a minivan from Ontario kept me from swerving. I’ll have nightmares about the sickening thump. First animal I’ve ever killed, and it made me sick to my stomach.
New Chuck and World Series game 7 tonight. I have open threads scheduled.
ruemara
…So you’re in Cali? Well, stop by, I’m about to craft some pumpkin bread and cookies.
cathyx
It sounds like you need a drink.
WaterGirl
I hit a squirrel a few years back. I know exactly what you mean. I will never forget the thump, and sadly I now no longer have to imagine what “death throes” looks like. I felt sick, too.
comrade scott's agenda of rage
This is one of your best posts EVAH!
Srzly.
kthxbai.
Villago Delenda Est
The Confederate flag stickers are the dead giveaway for unabashed, uncontainable asshattery.
In driving or just about anything else you can think of.
General Stuck
You wasted Punxsutawney Phil. Jeebus Cole. Shouldn’t you turn yourself in, or something.
cathyx
I had a month a few years ago in which I killed 3 animals. 2 squirrels and a bird. At least those thumps were kind of quiet, but sickening none the less. Then one morning years later, I hit a deer at 5:00am going to work at a golf course. It jumped out of nowhere, and I didn’t even have time to slow down. It slid off my hood and to the side of the road. As soon as I got to work I called the county to have them look to see if it was still there. I didn’t have the stomach to see if it was dead or just injured.
So if you just now hit your first animal by your age, then you’ve been lucky.
MeDrewNotYou
My first was a squirrel. There was too much traffic to try and avoid it, but I felt awful for days.
The second animal I killed in a car kinda makes up for it, though. I was driving home one evening and there was an idiot in front of me; the kind that blazes through low speed limits and goes 40 in the 55. She wasn’t paying any attention and as a rabbit crossed the road, she ran over just the back legs. I was just far enough behind and could see it struggle around a bit, so I lined up and ran over the neck/head area. I didn’t enjoy doing it, but I think I made the right decision.
eastriver
Pretty much everyone who drives an SUV is an asswipe. And those whom drive Range/Land Rovers are the biggest ‘wipes. Me, I drive Beemer, and surely I’m a bowl of butterfly kisses and faerie hugs.
(Cathyx, JC exists in that limbo exactly halfway between not enough to drink, and too much to drink. So he drinks, and that drink is always too much.)
evinfuilt
I know the stomach bit all too well. While driving through Taos a kitty jumped out in the road (a very curving road.) I was hurling up onto the street shortly there after.
The only good that may have come of it, is my hyper-awareness afterwards (during dusk, animals favorite time to cross without looking) meant that I slammed on my brakes in time 10 miles later when a deer attempted the same maneuver.
I still feel horrible for that cat, but I know there was a lot of outdoor kitties in Taos, and this happens a lot there, but to think someone could have been looking for Mr Tinkles and he never came home because of me.
piratedan
back in Oregon, taking care of Mom and her 2nd. It’s scary, in the last year, her hubby has lost about 75 lbs and now needs a walker to get about. Short term memory is shot to hell and he also suffers from anxiety attacks. Mom is better off with her chronic emphysema and need to be on o2 full time but her cancer is at bay. Spending most of my time fighting with the insurance companies debating over whether they are “sick enough” to warrant having their long term health care policies pay off to cover the costs of a daily caregiver. I worry about them just waking up each morning and I’m assured that because they can wear a bathrobe and raise a fork to their mouths that everything is just peachy, never mind that they can’t drive and getting dressed is a thirty minute ordeal to see the doctor.
Thoughtcrime
Nothing like the popping sound of running over the cane toads that you cannot avoid on the dark roads in the south area of Kauai.
ed drone
I call those things “Hummeroids,” much to my son’s disgust.
But people who buy those things really want the rest of us to think, “Yeah, maybe you DO own the road,” and get out of their way.
Big black SUV = “Secret Service,” “FBI agent,” or “Military Contractor,” in their driver’s mind’s eye.
SUV = “Supremely Useless Vehicle” in mine.
Hope he got a ticket.
Ed
cathyx
@evinfuilt: Hitting a pet would be the worst. At least my kills were wild animals, not that any killing is okay.
geg6
Drove up 79 to Pittsburgh, did you? Sounds like pretty much every drive up or down 79 to Morgantown that I’ve ever taken.
I accidentally ran over a turtle and crushed the shell. It was on a country-ish road at night during summer. Had the windows down. You should have heard that. I also had a bird do a kamikaze run at my car’s roof. The usual bird trick of pulling up at the last second did not work. It was a very loud thump.
freddie
South Texas, or just Texas, worst drivers ever. They’ll go 100mph, from 5 miles back, just to cut in front of you.
Or my favorite, you pull on to the road from a side-street, 5 miles back you can see them accelerate, like you just cut them off.
And don’t even talk about the parts of the highway that are posted 80mph. Coud be a hundred, still would have to go 20 over.
smintheus
Ten years ago I saw a dog prone and badly wounded on a busy highway, lying between two lanes. He was howling at cars trying to ward them off, but could barely lift his head. It was impossible to stop to try to save him in that fast traffic. Haunts me still.
R-Jud
At least you weren’t driving behind our car on Saturday afternoon.
We were coming back from dinner when the stomach flu my daughter had suddenly got its claws in Mr Jud. He had to roll down the window and let the technicolor demons out. While driving. At 60 miles an hour on the M6.
There was nowhere to pull over for about two miles, but he managed to keep driving relatively safely (I helped steer) until finally we came to a lay-by and he was able to wrap up puking in the bushes.
Thank God I keep plenty of paper towels and windex in the car.
BGinCHI
I can only imagine all of the action in Cole’s post as a George Booth cartoon.
ETA: for the uninitiated: http://blog.cartoonbank.com/2009/11/17/george-booth-interview/
khead
Solid.
I’ve wished all kinds of shit upon my fellow man while traveling but I don’t think herpes was on the list.
I’ll have to add that.
General Stuck
My main Obot Man, Jon Alter says the truth about Obama, beyond the bullshit of those with agendas, in or out of the press.
I been saying this for awhile, and it is astonishing with millions of nutters out there, and the GOP House doing full time “Let’s Get Obama” oversight. The best they can come up with is questioning his birthplace and nationality, and that he sneaks a cancer stick now and then. That is about it.
And I think this reality is partly what is driving the wingnuts well past anything politically healthy for them, and the rest of us by extension. In a word – Obama drives them nuts with his ordinaryness and personal conservative lifestyle. Okay, in 15 words
different-church-lady
You’re in your 40s and this is your first road kill? You’re soft, Cole.
I’ve noticed lately that many of the black SUVs that tailgate me are driven by extremely young women who are (a) quite obviously driving said vehicle because their parents made the choice to put as much metal between other people and their daughters as possible and (b) appear entirely oblivious to exactly how dangerous and irritating their driving behavior is.
ed drone
@evinfuilt: \
Somebody’s moggie, by the side of the road.
Somebody’s moggie, who forgot his highway code.
Somebody’s pussy who ran clean out of luck
When he ran into the road and tried to argue with a truck.
Once he ran and played in a pussy paradise,
Decapitating Tweety-birds and masticating mice.
Now he’s just six pounds of raw mince-meat
That don’t smell very nice.
He’s nobody’s moggie now.
— Eric Bogle
Ed
Napoleon
That is the first animal you have hit with a car?
You haven’t lived until you hit a deer. I did it in a light pick up while trailering (so the last thing you wanted to do was to swerve).
My favorite though was in high school I am with a buddy on a back road around midnight and low and behold but an owl is standing in the middle of the road staring in our direction (with glowing eyes) and he ran over it. It never even tried to move. He then claimed he didn’t hit it (which was bs).
Kola Noscopy
OT, Cole, but as far as your Mountaineers go, welcome to the Big 12.
I do have to say I think the geography is all wrong for the fan base; how are any but the wealthiest Mountaineer fans going to travel to away conference games, and vice versa? But it’s all about the almighty dollar now, so fuck the fans, am I right?
Longtime Sooner football and Jayhawk basketball fan here.
khead
Also, WVU to Big 12 appears to be official.
Fuck you Mitch McConnell.
singfoom
Eh, Chicago is the same. Driving on the Dan Ryan at 75, dutifully keeping 2-3 car lengths from the car in front of me. Traffic slows down, I slow down, keeping space open in front of me to prevent traffic jams.
Oh wait, guy forgot to merge or was too much of an asshole to get in line for the ramp, cuts in front of me and I almost hit him.
It is hard to continue to drive like a normal human being when surrounded by giant douchebags who have 0 patience or consideration for the fact that other people drive on the roads too…
Sloegin
What, no Volvos in that caravan of asshatery?
Must be a west-coast thing.
different-church-lady
@General Stuck:
During the general in 2008 the biggest thing he had going for him was that appeared to be the sane, calm choice.
I don’t see that dynamic changing. In fact, compared to everyone but Romney it’s only tilted even further in Obama’s direction.
Short Bus Bully
Fuck.Yes.
I needed a solid laugh today, thanks for that. It appears that you might be driving in rural WA state? If so good luck and watch out for deer and douchebags. Both seem to breed like rabbits around here.
khead
@Kola Noscopy:
I’m quite sure WVU fans can exchange their SNAP cards for Big 12 tickets anywhere.
Redshift
@Villago Delenda Est:
Or the Jesus fish.
Eric S.
I’ve never read High and Mighty: Suvs–The World’s Most Dangerous Vehicles and How They Got That Way but from the various reviews I’ve come across it jives with my experiences.
RareSanity
I have a “animal in the street” story, that although it doesn’t have the same emotion as the others, it was quite funny.
In the 8th grade, me and my best friend had season passes to Six Flags (Atlanta). We would go out there, basically every weekend, to hang out with the rest of the teenie-boppers. Will one night, his father picks us up in his Lincoln Town Car (back when they were really nice), and we are driving down this straight, no street-light-having street to get home.
Out of nowhere, this squirrel (I think) darts out in to the street. My friend’s dad, did not flinch, didn’t make a sound, didn’t have a reaction at all…bump, bump…he runs over the squirrel. My homeboy looks at me in the back seat, we both look at him, without his expression changing in the least says, “Shouldn’t have been in the damn street.” as calmly as if he’d asked, “You guys have fun?”
Needless to say, we cracked up…I know it’s wrong, poor little squirrel, but it was funny as hell!
Turgidson
Ugh, animals getting flattened by vehicles is the worst. I still feel bad about a chipmunk I ran over while riding my bike as an 11 year old. It darted out in front of me way too quickly for me to react at all, and if I’d tried, I probably would have launched myself off my bike and into serious injury. It continued running after I hit it, but there’s no way I didn’t critically injure it.
Then there was the time I saw a dog run out into the street all of a sudden and get run over by a van maybe 20 feet in front of me. Still have the occasional bad dream about that. I’m sure the driver (it wasn’t his/her fault – dog really came out of nowhere with no warning) felt 1000x worse, though.
Redshift
A bumper sticker I saw last week for the first time is now one of my favorites:
“Back Off! I’m not that kind of car!”
CynDee
WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE TRAFFIC TODAY??? I live in a quiet area of central Florida, and there are suddenly gazillions of drivers out there today, and they’re all NUTS! Don’t know what’s going on, but stay home if you can!
General Stuck
@different-church-lady:
I have watched a few clips of Romney lately, glad handing and mixing with the crowd at his events. He seems very uncomfortable and highly spastic at times. Sort of like Matt Damon playing Tom in The Talented Mr. Ripley. Creepily fawning for validation, he is being and acting like others want him to act. An empty suit covering and empty soul. That is our Mitt Romney. Makes my skin crawl.
Redshift
@Eric S.: The SUV is the perfect conservative vehicle — it makes you safer at the expense of making everyone around you less safe. FYIGM personified.
ruemara
I’ve never hit an animal, and I hope to keep that record. I just discovered the birthday chocolates sent by a friend (a pound of Sees) have been decimated by the Mr. I haven’t gotten even one. I may have to hit a human.
smintheus
Wow. Count the gross errors and inaccuracies in this piece by Nate Silver.
No, George Will did not say that (and why quote that clown anyway?).
No, your link does not prove that “Many or perhaps most published findings in medical research are false”.
No, Herm Cain is not the first half-assed presidential candidate to get more support in polls than standard campaign metrics would predict (Palin? Trump? Bachmann? Perot?).
And that’s apart from the strawman bashing. (No, when people say Cain has ‘no chance’ they aren’t arguing that he has only a “mere one-in-a-thousand or one-in-a-million chance” of getting the nomination; they mean he has as little chance as Bachmann.)
Villago Delenda Est
@khead:
It’s possible that McConnell’s deft intervention sealed the deal for WV.
Way to go, buttmunch.
RareSanity
@khead:
Big12 Commish: “WVU, welcome to the Big 12! I’d like you to meet Texas and Oklahoma. I think you’ll find that you all have a lot in common. Not like those white-wine sippin’ hippies in the Big East.”
Turgidson
@Eric S.:
This was my anecdotal experience growing up in a suburb that was overrun with soccer moms. By the time I got to high school, the family station wagons had given way to minivans, which then gave way to very large SUVs (Grand Cherokees, Explorer/Expeditions/Suburbans). There were just TONS of the things.
The drivers of these death machines were disproportionately soccer moms, and consistently awful at driving. No particular regard for things like lane dividers, curbs, smaller cars. They drove as if to say “well, I’m safe in my enormous car, come what may, so I have margin for error.” I’m not surprised a study supports these observations.
Villago Delenda Est
@Eric S.:
I’m reminded of Marge Simpson behind the wheel of a Canyonero: “Get out of my way, nature!”
Rick Roundtree
Jon,
My commute problem isn’t with the fast drivers, it’s with those who seemingly have no concept of what a lane is and what the appropriate speed for that lane is. Aka the morons who seem cheerfully oblivious to those speeding past them on the left and the right. These island in the middle of the streamers, for whatever reason, typically fall in to one of three categories: fools driving trucks (dodge ram drivers disproportionately represented here), tools in some kind of toyota sedan (the later the model the better) and subaru outback drivers. When I inevitably work my way through a cluster of slow moving vehicles, the odds are that the root cause of the cluster fuck is driving one of those types of vehicles.
Shinobi
Hah Jon Henke just tweeted this: Hypothesis: Tea Party = V For Vendetta ::: #OccupyWallStreet = Fight Club
I think he’s confused about which group has the Guy Fawkes masks and which group has the deadly weapons.
Old Dan and Little Ann
Anyone who drives slower than me is an idiot. Anyone who drives faster than me is an asshole.
-George Carlin.
I’ve hit and killed a deer, dog, birds, raccoon, and a duck. And those are just what I am aware of hitting.
cathyx
@ruemara: He ate all the chocolates. He deserves to be run over.
RareSanity
Wait…wait…wait…
I drive an SUV, but it is strictly out of vanity, not assholery.
How silly would a 6’2″, 265 lb black guy, look getting out of a Prius?
Mnemosyne
@Eric S.:
I have a mini SUV (a RAV-4 from the late 90s). I wonder what it says about me that I chose the miniature version (other than that I’m a short woman and feel like I can’t control an oversized vehicle).
This happened in my area a few years ago — it’s a frickin’ miracle no one was hurt.
Villago Delenda Est
@Shinobi:
He’s way off.
Tea Party = any one of a zillion right wing groups in the Weimar Republic.
Jeff
@cathyx: Before you cry too many tears over the deer, just remember that every now and then they get their revenge, in the form of a buck’s antlers
crashing through the windshield, impaling the driver.
El Cruzado
A vulture, in the smack middle of the heaviest traffic in Fairfax County Parkway, NOVA. Loud thud, dead vulture.
They grow fat and dumb in the DC suburbs. The jokes write themselves.
Mnemosyne
@RareSanity:
I knew a guy who was 6’11” (no, that’s not a typo) who swore that the car that fit him best was a Honda del Sol. Apparently the thing had astonishing amounts of legroom for a car that was otherwise so small.
Villago Delenda Est
@RareSanity:
About as silly as Bubba Smith being a florist?
Murc
I realize this is dumbassed and is more than likely to get me killed one day, but when someone starts tailgating me? I tap the breaks. I don’t slam them like I’m trying to put my foot through the car, but I give them some gentle taps until they get the message and back the fuck off.
On two-lane highways, when I spot someone in my rearview who is going twenty miles over the speedlimit and weaving in and out of traffic with no signals on? I’ll pull up next to a truck and exactly match their acceleration for awhile. Stops the asshole dead in his tracks.
I realize these actions kind of make me a douchebag as well. But they sure keep my blood pressure down.
Until I encounter people who refuse to zipper merge, anyway.
Tom Hilton
@Sloegin: I think it’s bi-coastal; I know Tom & Ray bag on Volvo drivers from time to time.
Svensker
@piratedan:
Oh, God. Big hugs and hope the douchebag insurance companies come through for you. Every adult child’s nightmare.
msskwesq
Off the road rage topic… In the local paper (Iowa City Press Citizen) RANDALL TERRY, of Operation Rescue, is running for POTUS as a DEMOCRAT! He is running horribly graphic commercials on local TV in D.C. and plans to start them in Iowa and New Hampshire soon. He came denouncing Obama, saying he plans to unseat him as the democratic candidate in 2012 based on the millions of murders of the unborn and “rampant socialism” of Social Security, Medicaid, Medicare and the federal income tax. He campaigned on the steps of city hall with his compatriots and fellow anti abortionist, Gary Boisclair and teabagger David Lewis. Lewis is running against John Boehner for Congress. When I read this article this morning, I laughed out loud at the thought of Randall Terry claiming to be a Democrat! Then I got angry at the thought that he is going around claiming to be a Democrat, I don’t want to have anyone like him in the Democratic Party. Can we prevent him from claiming that affiliation? Its so maddening!
Phylllis
@El Cruzado: And if they bust out the windshield when they hit and tumble through your vehicle, the smell is ungodly and won’t come out. Ever.
Phylllis
@El Cruzado: And if they bust out the windshield when they hit and tumble through your vehicle, the smell is ungodly and won’t come out. Ever.
Turgidson
@RareSanity:
Haha! You have a point.
I’m a 6’6″ 210lb. white guy who was getting out of a 1992 Toyota Celica until just recently. I learned to enjoy the flabbergasted looks that got (although, that car actually had a ton of leg room – the front seat basically could be moved all the way back to the back bench if necessary).
I’ve already been told by friends that it looks less preposterous when I get out of the used Infiniti I replaced the Celica with a couple months ago. That makes me sad. Well, maybe not.
serge
So, John…you’re having a rough day? The driver in the black, tinted-out SUV, did it have South Carolina plates? From your description it sounds like one of my many SUV-driving I-wish-they-weren’t homeboys.
Assholes to a one…
cathyx
@Jeff: No antlers on mine. Maybe a female? On second thought, it was summer, so I guess it was a female.
RareSanity
@Mnemosyne:
What would be even more astonishing would be watching him, fold/unfold himself, entering and exiting that car with the top on.
I friend of mine had one in college, with the top on, there was not a lot of headroom. However, most of his height may be in his legs (think basketball player), mine is in my torso (think linebacker).
singfoom
@Murc: I’m all for the letting people know tailgaiting is stupid, but you might just want to let the jackass going over the speed limit to pass if they’re not in your lane.
Here in Chicago, if you’re in the actual left most lane on the main highways, if you did that, you’d have about 10 people behind you in a minute or so, all tailgaiting each other.
Plus, 20 miles over the speed limit? That’s nothing.
I just always keep the accordion going nicely and at the same time try to keep people from jumping the line to get on a ramp. That shit drives me NUTS.
Disco
@Villago Delenda Est:
12 yards long, two lanes wide, 65 tons of American pride!
RareSanity
@Turgidson:
Actually the best car I ever owned was a ’92 Acura Legend sedan. Fit me like a glove.
I literally shed tears when it got totaled in an accident…what a great car.
Svensker
@singfoom:
Yes. A goal of my life is to let the least #s of folks jump the line around me.
And @John Cole
Believe me, somewhere a family staring at their undecimated garden is thanking you.
Mnemosyne
@RareSanity:
My friend was an NCAA high jumper, so he was pretty much all arms and legs.
Redshift
@Mnemosyne: I’m 6’2″, and my next car is probably going to be smaller than my current one (PT Cruiser.) Ever since a physical therapist told me my posture was terrible and I should sit up straighter, I don’t fit in cars any more. (I fit in the Cruiser, but sitting up straight puts my eyes about level with the top of the windshield, and I can’t see traffic lights and stuff.) But oddly, when I borrowed my mom’s Saturn, it fit me just fine. Go figure.
badpoetry
I was driving in rural Georgia last weekend, and found myself behind a pickup truck festooned with a number of anti-Obama bumper stickers. Nothing unusual about that in Georgia. One of them did stick out, however: “Don’t re-nig in 2012”.
I didn’t get it for a moment. I was that aghast.
I don’t imagine that particular southerner is big Herman Cain fan, either.
One bright side: I did go home and donate $50 to Obama 2012 that I otherwise wouldn’t have.
I have GOT to move to another state.
Keith
I killed a cat that was running across the freeway once. I was going too fast to swerve. It haunted me for weeks
Martin
@Mnemosyne: A number of Hondas are like that. My Element is like that. Hagrid would be plenty comfortable in either the front or rear seat.
WereBear (itouch)
Sucks to hear that thump.
During my driver’s license exam, I was roaring down the highway; stream of Cadillacs driven by invisible little old ladies on one side, six foot drainage ditch on the other. So I HAD to run over the turtle.
But he’d tucked up, because I saw him unhinge and start heading across the road again in the rearview. There was a bit of silence, and the examiner let out the breath he’d sucked in, and said, “Good call.”
I passed.
Libby
I spent five hours in that kind of traffic yesterday. Intense and aggressive out there. Forced to speed up to 20 mph over the limit to outrun the highway clowns who don’t know how to drive. And otherwise so erratic, couldn’t use the cruise control.
RareSanity
@Murc:
You wouldn’t last long in Atlanta. Hell, we have cops that do that kind of thing, in their patrol cars.
20 miles an hour over the speed limit? You would still be getting passed by most traffic on the highways down here.
Redshift
@Shinobi: From how I read it, he’s just confused about how SAT analogies are written.
Cat Lady
Dead animals on the road ruin my day or week, depending, and seeing a dead cat makes me want to rend my garments and ululate. I hate it.
More or less on topic though, that baseball game last night was sublime, with the benefit of a side of delicious Bush tears. HA! The baseball gods are wrestling with letting LaRussa get away with being a complete bonehead in Game 5, or letting Bush escape from the taint of everything he touches turning to shit. I’ve watched a lot of baseball in my life, and that game was teh shizzle.
Uncle Clarence Thomas
.
.
@General Stuck:
Serious question: In your opinion, how many lies can a person tell and still be considered “honest”? In this case, consider only since 2007.
.
.
cathyx
@Murc: No offense, but I hate drivers who think they have to police the highways. I guess you’ll keep doing that until you do it to the wrong guy. You know, the one who has a gun.
different-church-lady
@General Stuck: Agreed, but compared to the rest of the GOP field, Romney qualifies as “quirky” as opposed to “batshit”.
MikeJ
Loudon Wainwright 3rd had the definitive song about roadkill.
khead
@RareSanity:
Texas and OU need a crash course on couch burning.
The important thing – to me anyway – is that my bro (WVU grad) will come back off the ledge now. He was pretty freaked about the possibility of ending up in Conference USA.
Chat Noir
@General Stuck: I received an envelope in the mail yesterday with the return address “Mitt Romney.” I couldn’t rip it up and get it in the trash can fast enough. I assume his campaign got my name and address from my voter registration file because the envelope had my first, middle, and last name on it (all my Dem correspondence has my first name, middle initial, and last name).
Pisses me off to no end when I get crap mailing from any Republican.
Don’t know if this is a sign for slimy Willard, but my conservative 83-year old dad has made it quite clear he will NOT vote for Romney next year if he’s the ‘pub nominee.
RareSanity
@Redshift:
What you describe is exactly why I ended getting my SUV. I got a used Expedition because the the front window is extremely long and the driver’s seat, and the pedals are adjustable.
I can adjust these things to be in a comfortable, upright position, without hampering my ability to see the road.
Redshift
@badpoetry: In the DC suburbs last week, I was behind a guy whose car was festooned with anti-Obama bumper stickers like “Honk if your wealth is being redistributed” with an Obama-logo “O”. It was a piece of crap car, and unless he was one of those miser millionaires, he was just an idiot who refuses to accept that progressive taxation works in his favor.
Since several of the stickers had the same big “Honk,” I was tempted to drive along behind him honking until it annoyed him, but I didn’t want to risk giving the impression I agreed with him.
different-church-lady
@Redshift:
Playing the increased roll-over danger against the decreased injury in a two-vehicle accident, and then throw in that SUV drivers tend to have a false sense of safety in hazardous weather conditions, and I’d question whether the SUV is actually safer overall.
ed_finnerty
I ran over a squirrel once. Also had a guy jump off a bridge in front of my car and barely missed him. His head was crushed. I felt bad for the squirrel.
El Cruzado
@Phylllis: Which makes me happy I just broke its neck with the bumper as it was standing on the road looking dumb.
Also, more jokes writing themselves.
different-church-lady
@ed_finnerty: I see what you did there.
El Cruzado
@different-church-lady: It’s not, at least according to serious statisticians.
In fact the safest vehicle was found to be a Porsche sportscar, as it tends to be exactly on the point of the road where you want it to be in almost any circumstance. Assuming you drive it within legal speeds, of course.
Redshift
@RareSanity: I do wonder sometimes about the body size assumptions being used in the design of car cabin shapes. I hope I can find a non-SUV that fits me next time, since they don’t make the Cruiser any more.
RareSanity
@khead:
If nothing else, it will be interesting. I am quite intrigued to see how WVU holds up against those two teams, when playing them regularly.
I don’t buy that they were going to CUSA. That conference isn’t even an automatic BCS qualifier. Although I’m sure all of the WVU folks go a little tense when both the ACC and SEC said no.
Kola Noscopy
@khead:
Well, yes, but can they exchange them for airline tickets as well?
Martin
@Mnemosyne:
I have one too (Honda Element). It’s a great car. 2 kids, dog, camping, hauling lumber. AWD for the snow and bombing around in the desert. I love it. It’s shorter than a Civic but hauls as much as an Expedition, gets 30MPG on the highway, and doesn’t clog up the parking lot.
It’s tall, but not long or wide. Mostly it’s just really cleverly designed on the inside and it’s a joy to drive (turning radius smaller than a Mini) unlike most SUV battleships I’ve driven.
msskwesq
OK, now on road rage topic: My best friend and her son were driving on the Capital Beltway in Maryland very early on morning, it was still dark. A Semi was tailing her close, the headlights blinding her in the rear-view mirror he was so close. She moved right a lane and he did also. She moved over another lane, he did also. She was scared and decided to slow down so he’d go around her.She bounced off the guardrail. Instead he went right over the top of her and kept going. Her car, a Subaru 4 Wheel Drive, tank of a car, was flattened like a pancake, but they suffered only minor injuries. The state of Maryland sent her a $5000 bill for repairs to the guardrail. They never caught the truck driver.
Redshift
@different-church-lady: True, which makes it fit the conservative mindset even better — it makes you feel safer at the expense of making everyone, including you, less safe. That description (possibly substituting “better” for “safer”) fits so many wingnut positions.
different-church-lady
@Turgidson:
The very few times I have been behind the wheel of an SUV (rentals, with no other options in all cases) the problem I had was that I have very poor visibility regarding the other vehicles around me — normal sized cars were all below my natural line of sight. It felt like a constant struggle to look down into blind spots around my own vehicle.
I found the experience annoying and disconcerting, but that’s probably because I’m part of the 3.49% of drivers who actually want to be aware of the other vehicles surrounding me. It may not be so much that they feel safe, as much as out of sight, out of mind.
khead
@RareSanity:
The Big East is as dead as my dreams of becoming an NFL tout for a living. (And I’m not that bad in the NFL. Really).
So, WVU had to find somewhere to land. I was shocked as hell when I heard the Big 12 news earlier this week. Morgantown will become the new Lubbock – which is a real pain in the ass trip for Big 12 teams.
El Cruzado
@Redshift: I’m 6’5″, 260 pounds and do fine in my Jetta Wagon. As long as no one wants to sit in the rear seat behind.
I think in general German cars tend to allow people well over 6 feet tall to fit in. Must be they are made for German men.
different-church-lady
@RareSanity:
It depends: are you doing it with a smile or coming towards me with an angry look on your face?
@Redshift: agreed.
General Stuck
@Chat Noir:
Just now got a flier from our new wingnut governor, Susan Martinez, which the only way to get my address, except maybe state records, was to get it from one of my many love letters to blockhead winger Steve Pearce, my House Rep. It last 38 seconds till I reached a dumpster. it was too thick to wipe my ass with.
khead
@Kola Noscopy:
You are seriously underestimating the market for food stamp cards. Just sayin….
Kilgore Trout
@Murc:
Our 16 year-old son just finished his drivers ed class, and his teacher liked the “2 mph rule”: if you are being tailgated, slow down 2 mph for a few seconds and then resume your original speed. The couple of times I’ve been riding with him where he’s done that it has worked pretty well. Probably wouldn’t help with some of these over-aggressive drivers, but for the typical tailgater it does seem to get them backed off a bit.
WaterGirl
@ruemara: And didn’t he forget to wish you a happy birthday, and you had to do all your party prep yourself? But eating all your chocolates, that’s just wrong.
Cliff in NH
@cathyx:
Yea, the one with the gun might be the one who slows down when you tailgate them, Moron.
Kilgore Trout
@Turgidson:
When our younger son was in Kindergarten we were riding bikes home from school, he hit a little pothole and fell off right in front of me. There was no time for me to do anything, and I ran over his arm and broke it. He still flips me some crap about that to this day, but I just tell him that it’s not like it was his pitching arm…
Speaking of baseball, it was so nice to see the Cards punk the Rangers last night. Hopefully they can complete the series comeback tonight and send the Rangers home to spend the winter thinking about an epic fail.
schrodinger's cat
Are you in Boston? Aggressive drivers are aggressive. The only animal I have killed was a squirrel on back road in Maine. I braked hard when I saw it but it was too late.
Murc
@cathyx
I’m not sure that doing things that are, as far as I know, perfectly legal, counts as me ‘policing’ the highways. And someone insane enough to take a shot at me for doing things that are perfectly legal making it all the way to ME before losing control and doing it seems unlikely enough that I like my odds.
(If gently slowing down a bit and/or doing the speed limit while I happen to be right next to another car that is doing the speed limit is illegal in New York or in this municipality, I haven’t heard of it.)
And for the others; apparently, I live in a pretty tame part of the country (Rochester). Around here, running very fast on the highways is like begging the state troopers and country sherrifs to nail you to the wall, especially at certain times of day.
ruemara
@cathyx:
He ate all the chocolates and has yet to recognize my b’day. That was one of the few decent (ok, only) gifts. My other friends gave me a shovel. Yeah, I dunno wtf is with that either.
Julie
@Thoughtcrime: Oh my God, yes. I’d mostly managed to forget that sound until just now. “Did I just run over a rotten mango? Oh, wait…”
cathyx
@Murc: Just because what you are doing is perfectly legal doesn’t mean you’re not policing the highways. I’m not advocating speeding or driving like a idiot, and I’m not defending those people who drive recklessly, but I don’t think it’s your job to make sure that they are obeying the law either. There are countless stories of guys with a hair trigger, figuratively and literally, driving the highways and shooting another driver who annoys them, or using their car as a weapon to drive you off the road.
I’ve also seen that drivers who will go 55 in the fast lane because he wants everyone to go the speed limit.
I’m just saying that it isn’t worth putting your life on the line to teach someone a lesson. They aren’t going to learn it from you.
Roger Moore
@Redshift:
FTFY. SUVs are actually less safe than well made cars. They’re typically less crashworthy than cars because of their design, they’re more prone to roll over because they’re top heavy, and they’re worse at accident avoidance because their acceleration, braking, and steering are worse. They’re more about appearance- appearance of safety as well as appearance of manliness- than they are about real function. Not that it makes the comparison to Republicans any less apt.
bobbo
@different-church-lady:
Pretty sure it is less safe. It’s the illusion of safety that people buy into, e.g. sitting high above everyone. Also learned helplessness: bad drivers think there is nothing they can do to prevent accidents, so at least if they surround themselves with a lot of metal they won’t die when the inevitable occurs.
Maude
Yesterday it was raining. A white pick up turned a corner on a quiet street, burning rubber and tailgated a handicapped school bus. Other cars on a busier street were just crazy.
I was walking and glad not to be in a car.
People don’t seem to understand how much road they need to stop their cars. Also, the school kids were out and about.
cathyx
@ruemara: The shovel is for after you run over your husband (who forgot your birthday, ate the one edible present you got, and then still didn’t realize it was your birthday), you can bury the evidence.
Yesbutwehavenobananas
Tough week at school. Marking period closes next week. Dear Lord, thank you for John Cole and his stories.
SiubhanDuinne
@msskwesq:
Geez, I have to say I liked your Randall Terry post a LOT better.
joes527
@WereBear (itouch): so, I get the “little old ladies to the left of me, drainage ditch to the right of me, into the valley of Death I drove my Corolla.”
But did the turtle leap in front of you from the ditch, or did one of the little old ladies chuck it out her window?
Roy G
Regarding SUVs and their drivers, my dad up in NoDak has had some incidents with these people during snow/ice storms, where they drive like its summer, and their SUV will magically defy black ice and make them stick to the road.
The most classic incident was when he was being tailgated in a snowstorm by the proverbial big black Suburban, which roared around him at the earliest possible moment – and which he soon came up on stuck in the ditch. As he drove past the hapless woman standing next to it trying to flag him down, her cluelessness changed to fury as he didn’t stop to help. Just desserts, he figured.
Cliff in NH
@cathyx:
Yup, you just stay on my ass all the way down to 20 or more under the limit without passing and we will see who gets the hair trigger first.
That sure sounds like a plan .
WereBear
A lot of people where I live NEED a SUV just to get up their driveway. Ours is paved, but is like a 23% grade.
But out in the suburbs; yeah. Affectation.
And I have to agree; in bad weather, SUV’s are off the road, involuntarily. Hey, laws of physics still apply to you!
Libby
@Murc: Sorry Murc, legal or not, you’re not helping the safe flow of traffic. More likely you’re going to piss off some hothead down the line who’s going to take it out on the person in front of him.
The left is for passing. The idea is to pass as quickly and safely as you can. It’s common courtesy. Something a lot of drivers have forgotten. You’re not going to change any bad behaviors by pissing these bad drivers off.
cathyx
@Cliff in NH: No, you see Cliff, I’m not that idiot drive who drives that way. My whole point which you totally missed, is that either driver in that scenario could be the one with the gun. Why take a chance and be either of those two bad drivers.
Kyle Hitler
Don’t feel bad about hitting the groundhog, feel bad you didn’t scoop him up and make a nice stew out of him. C’mon, Cole, every other night you’re grilling a huge-ass steak, what the hell plant do you think that comes from? Pansy.
Cliff in NH
@cathyx:
So don’t defend it.
And @Libby: You are not helping by defending tailgaters who refuse to pass. you see, tailgaters by definition refuse to pass, and its illegal.
at least in Australia they fine people who block passing lanes, it should be implemented here as well.
Bill Arnold
@ed drone:
I once rented a white Crown Vic. Driving in the left lane, it was like there was a deflector beam pushing cars out of the way. It was a guilty pleasure to be sure.
cathyx
@Cliff in NH: Again, totally missing my point. I’m not defending the bad drivers, I saying don’t act like the police when you see one and try to stop it. Good God!
Neddie Jingo
Hit a possum once. I was riding shotgun, my buddy was driving.
I was tripping. He was not.
The rest of the night did not go well.
Cliff in NH
Clearly you wouldn’t hate them unless they affected you.
Go on hating people who hate being tailgated and react.
Keep hating till you tailgate the wrong one, as you say.
Libby
@Cliff in NH: ??? Not defending tailgaters who won’t pass. I’m talking about blocking the passing lane by driving the same speed as the car in the slow lane. They don’t fine people for that here.
Neither do they penalize the drivers who will sit in your blind spot, just behind you in the left lane and won’t either slow down or speed up and pass you. I call these particular drivers the fixed cruise people. They clearly have the cruise where they want it and refuse to adjust it to the situation.
eemom
I do believe this thread is veering towards a crash. Just pull the hell over and let the aggressive commenter by.
cathyx
@eemom: Ok, that was kinda funny.
eemom
also too. Here in the DC area we’ve eliminated tailgating by choking traffic with perpetual road construction so that no one is going anywhere faster than 10mph.
Cliff in NH
@Libby:
If you are bothered by a fixed speed object Change Your Speed, It’s not their problem.
Kathleen
I refer to these driving experiences as “‘Fo Fests”, as in “Mo” before the “Fo”, if you catch my drift. When drivers really get on my nerves it’s a Celebration of Spawnativity, as in Satan’s spawn.
My very very favorites are the people who take 2-3 lanes to turn into a parking lot or garage. “Why, yes. I know this street exists only for you” and it’s your inalienable right to cause me to stop because you can’t get your honkin’ gas guzzling ass into the right lane”. Very slightly below them on my ranto-meter are “lane lurkers”, people who just can’t decide which lane they want to inhabit. Then there are those who think my left hand arrow is their automatic signal to turn right on red. Oh, and how about drivers who don’t look for pedestrians (moi) before turning right into my path as I stupidly think the “Walk” sign gives me license to, well, “walk” across the street.
I’m going to stop now and take my medication.
Cliff in NH
@Libby:
ok, here is a story, driving 35 (2 lanes) in iowa at 3am
No cars in both directions for as far as the eye can see (in IA, that’s a long way) some moron decides to come on a entrance ramp and speeds up to sit 20-30 ft behind you.
What do you do?
they stay on my ass all the way down to 30mph That’s the moron I’m talking about, and that’s not the only time morons have done this when I drive in the red states, had it happen on 80, 95 and many other times. Morons must be dealt with through action, not inaction.
A Ghost To Most
Welcome to the club, John. I’ve wiped out an entire family of pheasants (mother and babies) in one shot, wasted a white-tail with my brand-new Prius, and even run over a cat on my motorcycle (it was still running the last I saw of it). Groundhogs make quite a thump, though.
Out here (suburban Denver), all the Galtians seem to drive black Escalades with tinted windows, often with wingnut fish on them.
Nom de Plume
Re: “Policing the roads”. It ain’t about policing the roads, it’s about self-preservation. If there is someone 3 feet off my bumper, that is a bad accident waiting to happen, and I am going to mitigate the potential damage any way I can. I do that by slowing down–not to be an asshole (that’s just a bonus), but because I don’t want to fucking die in the event that I have to brake suddenly. And the irony is that I am actually helping them by slowing down, because in a rear-end collision they’re going to get the worst of it.
I am by no means the best or most conscientious driver in the world, but one thing I don’t understand is tailgating. Namely, how do people do it? If I get within 50 feet of the person in front of me (and that’s at city speeds) by butt starts to clench. And if I’m a passenger in a car that’s tailgating, just forget it. I’m an absolute basket case.
Murc
‘The fast lane’ and ‘the passing lane’ exist to pass people, yes… if you can do it without speeding.
Whenever I see someone sitting in the left lane going exactly the speed limit, maybe two or three over, I tip my hat to that guy. Barring unusual circumstances he is doing absolutely nothing wrong and may in fact be contributing to the safe flow of traffic by serving to block idiots who want to zip around at eighty plus.
Southern Beale
Last week I asked folks to place their bets on which conservative would come up with the wildly inappropriate Halloween costume. I would never have guessed it would be the National Review.
different-church-lady
@Kyle Hitler:
It’s like nobody actually reads this blog…
PurpleGirl
I once took a workshop with a jewelry maker and professor of art (Slippery Rock University, Pennsylvania) who used bones in his jewelry that he obtained from road kill. He kept an ice cooler in the trunk of car for those times that he passed road kill while out driving. (He also had other sources for bones.) He’d make a custom piece for people with things like their own teeth.
The work was interesting, fascinating and often gorgeous. I took the workshop because he emphasized using found objects and unusual components in high quality jewelry..
chopper
@Martin:
yeah, my element could fit like 4 pro basketball players innit.
Cliff in NH
@Libby:
But a vermont state cop will call you up for passing that slow fucker who is deliberately blocking the passing lane when the slow fucker calls them for you passing them on the right.
Tho he said since he didn’t see it nothing will happen, just don’t show up in our state for at least a year.
dww44
@badpoetry: I empathize, but I’ve lived here all my life and have decided to stay and fight. Today, though, I pulled up to a light in the left turn lane and then noticed I was behind a familiar white panel van that I had last seen about 3 weeks after Obama’s inauguration driving down a rural road but with a tag from this county. He still had the “Where’s the birth certificate” sticker on the back of his van, but he had added 2 more since that momentous day for me in early 2009.
One sticker asked “Where’s the REAL birth certificate?” and the other had a picture of Obama with the label “undocumented worker”. I thought to myself, “Idiot, you just actually paid Obama an unwitting compliment. You called him a worker.”
This was late afternoon, about 5:30, and while I had plans to pull alongside and point to his window and ask him where his official papers were he turned left into the driveway of what passes for a semi-mansion in these parts. Most likely he was making some sort of service call as he didn’t appear to be the likely owner of such a fine home. However, one never knows. Still, now that I know he’s nearby, I will get my chance.
Cliff in NH
@Cliff in NH:
Loving the lack of response from the provocateurs in the crowd.
So typical.
Cliff in NH
@Cliff in NH:
Yea.
Death Panel Truck
The first three cats really suck. Gets easier after that. ;)
Kidding.
Although I have hit exactly three cats in 32 years of driving. There’s nothing you can do about it; they dart out in your path so quickly all you can do it brace for the sickening thump. I’ve stopped each time to remove the body from the road (it always happens late at night.) You worry about who the cat belongs to, but it’s not like you can knock on doors at 2 a.m. in rural eastern Washington state to find out.