It’s apparently something past 9am. It’s dark and hot and there are random blinding flashes of light. I’m not exactly sure where I am. It’s possible I’m just at home at Shady Pines and having a stroke. However, I have a vodka/rocks clutched in one hand, which makes me suspect things are going to be ok.
Gloria is off trying to find some coke, after Katie Couric spent twenty minutes begging us for a line and then, when we relented, snuffled the whole fucking gram in the men’s toilet with Lauer. It was good coke too, having been, I am reliably informed, smuggled in from Peru only last week inside one of the spawn of the Jolie-Pitts. A little gritty on the nose but with fine blue notes in the upper register. I miss it already. Gloria had better get back soon, because reality is starting to intrude into the fine French electro.
Gesaffelstein – OPR from adrien cothieR on Vimeo.
Gloria is the only one in a fit state to go hunting for more drugs because her pill hasn’t kicked in yet. Her pill hasn’t kicked in yet because she keeps checking for text messages from Anderson, who promised to be here, but is a no show so far. I do hope he comes. Not only would it get Gloria back in the mood, the last time I saw him – at Splash, I seem to recall – Anderson started telling me a wonderful story about Marcus Bachmann, but didn’t have time to finish, so I still don’t know whether they ever managed to get the GI Joe action figure out again.
The evening has been a bit of a blur, dears. It’s Sandra Frazer’s birthday, so we are all in New York. We started off at a little drink thing at Gloria’s – just a few dozen of Sandra’s besties, all very casual. Gloria, as usual, had laid on the Billecart and the totty in equal measures, so when we asked Sandra what she wanted for her birthday, she pointed imperiously across the room she wanted “that”. “That” turned out to be Ryan Gosling, so we’ve spent the last twelve hours stalking the poor darling across New York.
The party was lovely, except for that bloody Angelina, who cornered me and WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT HER FUCKING CHILDREN. Between that, her unresolved jealousy that I had Brad before she did, and the fact that she smells like someone dumped a bottle of patchouli oil in a birdcage, she’s almost unbearable. She latched on to our little group as we were leaving for the club, even though Gloria had one of her maids wave a little brown baby out the window to distract her. Eventually we managed to ditch her in some diner by ordering coffee and then scarpering when she went to the bathroom.
The club we’re in is, well, a club. After you’ve been to as many as I have, when you’ve seen Gina Lollobrigida ride a horse onto the dancefloor while Baryshnikov and Jagger (I’m not sure if it was Mick or Bianca) rut behind the sofa you are sitting on, when you’ve cadged speed off not one, but two, governors of Texas, when you were there to hear Frankie Knuckles play his first set at the Continental Baths, it takes more than a few lights, the cast of Jersey Shore, some wanker in a baseball cap playing Coldplay remixes and a fucking fishtank in the bathroom to impress you.
Poor little Scott Brown was standing in the queue outside (if you can imagine such a thing), and shouted at us to rescue him, but Gloria muttered something about “last year’s model” and we kept going. We saw Andrew Sullivan as we came in, but he seemed to be just sitting in the corner and alternating between Angry Birds and Grindr on his iphone. The poor dear.
Sandra finally made her move on Ryan, and if I was able to move enough to tip my head back a little I would be able to see the heels of Sandra’s strappy Bottega Venetas pressed into Ryan’s frankly spectacular bottom as it bobs up and down to the beat.
Just a minute, dears. Gloria’s back and she has the same look on her face that Maggie Gallagher gets in the presence of either Jesus or cake. I’m off to the bathroom.
Crikey. Nothing but the best for Gloria’s friends. My sinuses feel like an angel pissed on them.
Sorry that took a while – we ran into something called a “Snooki” in the bathroom who said something like “OhmygodyoulookjustlikemygrannyomgIloveyourshoesyouknowomgisthatcoke? Ihavebeenfuckinglookingforsomecokeforfuckinghours“. At first I thought we were being mugged by Charo, but Gloria explained what a Snooki is and that the poor little thing just wanted some blow. Gloria is so good at translating for the lumpenproletariat.
I carefully measured her out a line on the tank with Gloria’s white Amex, rolled up a fifty for her and then, when she was snarfing it up, I smacked her little head into the wall, grabbed back my fifty and walked out, leaving her screeching on the floor. No one says I look like their granny and gets away with it.
Anyhow, Grammy is feeling quite good, and it’s time for me to go behind the couch and see if young Ryan has any energy left.
This last track has a very strange video, but the song that kicks in at about 2.45 is a barn-burner.
Oh, and before I forget, this is your Open Thread.
Have fun, my darlings.
All music is via the simply priceless Alfitude.com.
Crossposted at Sarah, Proud and Tall.
Ash Can
::applauds::
Blue galangal
It’s not too much to say that your post is a lonely bright spot in a very dark week.
chrome agnomen
all that party needs is a little hank jr thrown in.
Omnes Omnibus
@chrome agnomen: No party needs that.
Ash Can
@Omnes Omnibus: Well, if he were to show up in full regalia and the partygoers were to play keepaway with his guitar and hat, I can see potential there.
Omnes Omnibus
@Ash Can: I suppose. But I would still prefer to have him elsewhere.
Villago Delenda Est
@chrome agnomen:
Only if you want to really screw up the party. The substance use and abuse is there, but he’s a very unpleasant drunk.
Amir Khalid
Brava!!
Gin & Tonic
Shit, I never get invited to those parties.
pete
So that’s what was in the 99 balloons
Omnes Omnibus
@pete: Skag and blow.
Quarks
Cole, I sincerely hope you are paying this fine elderly blogger in equally fine amounts of French wine and good blow.
Svensker
Romney’s plan for America is to squelch unions, put a corporate man in charge of government (we assume he means hisself), support Israel, wage the drug war inside Mexico, increase military spending and not apologize for America. These things will all create jobs and fix the economy!
Also, he thinks it’s mean that extremist Christians call Mormonism a cult. He’s not so upset about demonizing Muslims, however.
burnspbesq
That Krugman, he a funny guy.
http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/07/in-the-long-run-we-are-undead/
Villago Delenda Est
@Svensker:
Well, you know, demonizing Muslims is OK. Because they worship Allah, not God.
/rolls eyes
c u n d gulag
Another nonpareil post – and I don’t mean the confection, either! :-)
But I have a question for you – when are you finally going to tell the tale about you and young cub sports reporter Sarah Palin doing lines of Peruvian Flake off of Glen Rice’s rock-solid glutes under the buffet table at the NCAA tournament press conference?
Too Many Jimpersons (formerly Jimperson Zibb, Duncan Dönitz, Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.)
I got back from Copán Ruinas yesterday after giving my little speech at the Conference on Honduras. It went pretty well. The computer ate my little talk so I had to wing it, but I heard afterward that I was the only speaker in 2 days who made people laugh. The guy who runs the conference told me he thought everybody would remember me. So that´s nice.
It can be hard, though, being down here. There{s so much that needs to be done, and no one person can do it all. It{s easy to get overwhelmed, throw up your hands, say “Fuck it all,” and give up and go home. I need to work to keep telling myself that I have to do what I can do. That´s all. Hard to do when there are children everywhere who live on the street and have no shoes, but still, that´s what I have to do.
Now I have to go to the Guamalito market and buy something for my 4 year old daughter, so I guess I´ll sign off. Adiós…
Villago Delenda Est
@Too Many Jimpersons (formerly Jimperson Zibb, Duncan Dönitz, Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.):
I see things have not changed in Honduras since I spent six months there at JTF Bravo in 1985.
All you can do is the little things that make life a smidgen easier for as many as you can.
asiangrrlMN
Ah, Ms. Sarah. How I adore your little Saturday stories. Don’t ever change!
@Too Many Jimpersons (formerly Jimperson Zibb, Duncan Dönitz, Otto Graf von Pfmidtnöchtler-Pízsmőgy, Mumphrey, et al.): It can be demoralizing, but you ARE doing something. Good for you.
No one of importance
@Quarks:
“Cole, I sincerely hope you are paying this fine elderly blogger in equally fine amounts of
FrenchAustralian wine and good blow.”FIFY
Kewalo
Thanks, you’ve brightened up my Sat.
Debbie(aussie)
Another wonderful laugh, thanks.
Tried to comment on your previous post (twice) and couldn’t, hope this works. (Was about 18hrs ago.)
Ecks
J’adore, ma cher, j’adore.